The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories - Capitol Riot Fallout, Biden's Venmo Account & Cops Target Code of Silence

Episode Date: May 22, 2021

The lawyer for the Capitol riot's "QAnon Shaman" rolls out an offensive defense, reporters find President Biden's personal Venmo account, and police unions might end their "code of silence." Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruits smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, zip recruiters powerful matching technology

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Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. S. S. S. S. the CBS. the CBS. S. the the the the the the th. S. S. S. S. S. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. t. t. t. to. t. t. to. to. t. t. t. t. t. t. to. t. t. t. the. the. the. the. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. months since a violent mob stormed the U.S. Capitol, took over the floor of the Senate, and passed a law giving tax breaks to in-cells. And even now, the FBI is still tracking down the rioters, sometimes in the most hilarious

ways possible. Another Western New York has been arrested, accused of taking part in the riots at the United States Capitol. Daniel Wormus of Alden was arrested last night for his alleged role in the riots inside the US Capitol January 6th. Now here's the official FBI complaint which started with an anonymous tip from someone who says just six days after the insurrection they overheard Worma's bragging to his dentist about his trip to Washington even playing

videos of his experience that day. That person told the FBI they could hear Wormis talking about how he smoked marijuana inside the Capitol and how he refused police officers instructions to leave the building. Okay, look, look, look, wait, wait, wait, you can laugh at this guy, but he's not alone. So many capital rites have gotten busted because they bragged about it afterwards, which honestly, guys, I kind of understand. I mean, how could you not tell people about the craziest, most interesting thing you've ever done? You stormed the capital.

You have to tell people. I mean, that's why I could never be part of a heist. So, Trevor, how was your weekend? I broke into a casino vault. It was the most exciting thing ever, man. We got inside and there were lasers everyone was like, pew, pew, pew, pew, and then I was like, bam, I'm rich, baby. Oh, it was wild. All right, you can call the cops now. You know what is surprising to me, though, is that this guy confessed his crimes to his dentist. I mean, who th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi, thi, thi, thi, the, the, th. I thi, thi, that, to to to to th, I th, I've th, I've th, I've th, I've th. I've th. I've th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, I've the, I've the, I me though, is that this guy confessed his crimes to his dentist. I mean, how can you be that open with your dentist? I'm scared to even tell my dentist I haven't been flossing. And what really blows my mind is that someone could even understand anything this guy was saying to his dentist?

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with a dentist? All right, just open wide. I'm going to move your tongue over here and tell me so how's your summer been going? The the they, I'm gonna, hey, I'm gonna go out of the FBI is still working on IDing everyone who stormed the Capitol that day. The ones that they have already found are working on staying out of prison. Like, remember this guy, yeah,? The most effective anti-fur ad of all time? Well, his lawyer has come up with one of the most novel defenses you will ever hear. The attorney for Jacob Chansley, the so-called Q&on Shaman, who stormed the Capitol

on January 6, is drawing criticism over remarks he made when he was talking about the defense strategy for his clients. I want to warn you you this is offensive, but they are his words. Albert Watkins says, quote, a lot of these defendants, and I'm going to use this colloquial term perhaps disrespectfully, but they're all effing, f-e'err-thappe, but they're all effing, short-bust people. These are people with brain damage. They're, the god-dam spectrum. But there are brothers, our sisters, our neighbors, our co-workers, they're part of our country. They aren't bad people, they don't have prior criminal history. F, they were subjected to

four-plus years of god-dam propaganda the likes of which the world has not seen since effing Hitler. God damn people! That's his lawyer saying that shit about him. You got to admit that's one thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi their their their their their their their their their their their thi. thi. thi. thi. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, theateateffic, the. thease the. the. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the, the, the, the, the, the, thean, thean, thean. thean. thean. thean. thean thean. thean. thean. thean, that shit about him. You gotta admit, that's one hell of a legal strategy. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client seems like a brain-dead idiot who can be convinced into committing treason. I arrest my case. Honestly, people, this was the craziest thing I have ever heard from a lawyer in my life. I mean, this guy managed to use inflammatory remarks, offend an entire group of people.. the the the the th. th. th. th. th. Ladies, and th. And, and the th. the the the, and the the, and the the, and the the the, and the, and the, and the, and, and, and, the the the the the the the the, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies and, ladies, ladies, ladies and, ladies and the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the, the, the, the, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and thean, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and thean, in my life. I mean, this guy managed to use inflammatory remarks,

offend an entire group of people, and completely distract everyone from what his client was caught on camera doing. Donald Trump is probably sitting back watching this like, where was this guy? When I was getting impeached, I'm also a susceptible moron. You know what's weird, though the lawyer used all these horribly offensive words in a strange way, his heart is kind of in the right place, because what he's really saying is that we shouldn't criminalize mental disability, the neurodivergent and the easily manipulated, he's basically the most unwoke, woke person in the world.

You know, it's sort of like an old man saying, well, I say the blacks are every bit as valuable as normal folk. Neger, lives matter. But people, it's important to remember that a mob of morons didn't just materialize out of nowhere. People encouraged and inspired these morons. And they made security decisions that allowed these morons to break into what should be the most secure place in America. I mean, aside from wherever Ariana Grande held her wedding, which is why many people in Congress are saying it's important to investigate how this happened.

Although, interestingly enough, other people in Congress are saying it's better not to ask. Congress voting today on a 9-11-style commission to investigate the January capital attack. House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy came out against creating the commission yesterday, followed later by a formal recommendation by House GOP leadership for members to vote no. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell just announcing on the floor that he opposes the bipartisan bill to form a January 6th commission as it is currently drafted. After careful consideration, I've made the decision to oppose the House Democrats slanted

and unbalanced proposal for another commission to study the events of January the 6th. In a statement, former president Trump said Republican lawmakers should not approve the commission, calling it a Democrat trap. It's just more partisan unfairness and unless the murders, riots and fire bombings in Portland, Minneapolis, Seattle, Chicago, and New York are also going to be studied. This discussion should be ended immediately. Oh, I'm not going to lie. My man, Trump is right. How is this commission just going to investigate January 6th when there's so much other shit to figure out? Like, what happened in Portland?

Who killed Tupac and Biggie? Who's the monster who created Jorts? The people need to know. But seriously, though, is Trump really trying to all riots mad at this commission? I mean, look, I'm not surprised that the GOP's leaders are trying to derail th..... th. the the the the the the th. th. th. the th. to to to to to to to to to to the to toe, toe, toe, th toe, th th th th th th th th thi, thi, thi, th th th th th th tooke, tooke, tooke, tooke, tooke, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, th th th. Ande, th.. Ande, th. Ande, th. Ande, th. Ande, th. Ande, th. Ande, th th th thee. thee. thee. thee. thin. thru. toe. toe. too. too. too. too. too. too. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. t t OP's leaders are trying to derail this thing? You know, investigating the insurrection means the Republican Party would have to take a good hard look at itself. And if I was Mitch McConnell, looking at myself is the last thing I'd want to do. Then Mo, you know, it's the app that lets friends send the same $25 back and forth to each other. The money transfer app has become one of the most popular ways for people to pay for definitely not weed. But it's also a kind of social network with all of the privacy risks that go along with that.

And it turns out that no one is safe. Heds up to anybody who uses Venmow. If you got the app on your phone, it allows you to send money to people with the click of a button. You have the ability to make those transactions public or private. However, one thing is apparently not private. Your contacts on Venmo. Users were able to find President Biden's personal Venmo account recently. And BuzzFeed was able to look at everybody Joe Biden is connected with on the Venmo app.

The White House was alerted to this account soon after Venmo has not said whether they planned the planed their their their their to this, they scrubbed the president's account soon after Venmo has not said whether they plan to make contact lists private after this report. Okay, this is shocking. Joe Biden has a Venmo account? How? The dude is like 150 years old. I thought he paid for everything with silver dollars or some shit. I didn't even know they had Venmo on rotary phones. Pizza. Cash emo. some shit. I didn't even know they had Venmo on rotary phones. Pizza emoji, cash

emoji, heart emoji. And also people, what does Joe Biden even need a Venmo account for? I mean he's the president of the United States. Who's asking him to chip in for drinks at Brian's birthday party? Like, I'm only if I'm the only one. I always thought that anyone who commanded a drone army didn't pay for anything. But the fact is that even the president's data is publicly available on Venmo, which is kind of scary. I mean, not really for me. I've become numb to how dangerous tech is. You know, I'm used to tech companies abusing my privacy. Like, I know the app that shows me what I look like as a bird the bird the bird the bird the bird. the bird. the bird. the bird. the bird. the bird. the bird. the bird. Is, the the the the th. th. I'm, th. I'm, th. I'm, thi, thi, thi, thi, I, I'm, thi, the the the throwne, the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, the p. the p. the p. the the p. the the p. I, the p. I'm, the the p. I's, the the the thr-s. I's pe. I's pe. I'm the the the the the the the the the pe. I's pe. I's, the pe. I's, the the pe. I'm the app that shows me what I look like as a bird is actually being used to create an artificially intelligent killing machine, but what am I supposed to do? Not see what I look like as a bird?

I mean, it's gonna bring me joy for like three seconds, guys. It's worth it. But I can't imagine that Joe Biden is losing too much sleep over this. I mean, first of all, I've seen Biden speak he's asleep. he's asleep even when he's awake. And second, he's the president of the United States, all right? Do you know how much other shit he's got on his plate? He's got to end unemployment. He's got to fix the immigration system.

And he's got to get major to let go of Pete Budajesh. And on top of all of that, now he's got to deal with UFOs. Here's a question you've probably been asked. A former Navy pilot says his F-18 squadron began seen unidentified flying objects consistently. The Pentagon confirms these are images of objects it can't identify. Lieutenant Graves told us pilots training off the Atlantic coast see things like that all the time. Every day. Every day for at least a couple years. Wait a day for a couple of years? The Intelligence Committee has ordered the Director of National Intelligence

and the Secretary of Defense to deliver a report on the mysterious sightings by next month. Okay, hold up. The Navy has had UFO sightings every day for two years. Two years, these aliens just been popping in, popping out, popping in, popping in, but not doing it. It was the most passive-aggressive alien invasion ever! Listen to here, aliens, we got a lot of shit on our plate. Either you probed me to death or you don't, but you don't leave me in suspense. Oh, and by

the way, if any of you aliens have been watching us recently, thrown the. tolde. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, to be, to be to be to be, toe, to be to be toe, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. to be, to be, to be, to be, the most, the most, the most, their, th. th. th. th. th. to be, to be, to be, to be, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thr. toe. toe. toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe. toe. the. their, the most, their, th roll, right? I want to clarify a few things for you, aliens. Humans don't usually wear masks, okay? We don't usually just talk to each other over the computer. And we don't usually scratch our butts and then sniff it to make sure it smells like butt. I know that we actually do that, but I just don't want us to look bad to aliens, thi thiiii thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus.. thus thus. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. thiiii tho to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to us us to us to us to us to us to us to us to us to us to us to us to us us tooomuuu. tooomu. tooomuu. tooi. tooi. tooi. tooi. tooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. theaaa. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. t to say I'm not surprised that this pilot was a white guy. I mean, this dude saw UFOs every day for years. And then he just kept on going back to work. Every single day, like, well, I wonder if they'll be back there tomorrow. Guess I'll find out.

Because I'll tell you now, man, if that was an African pilot, the moment he saw a UFO, he'd be landing that plane and finding himself a new job. I have no business with those ones, huh? I don't know why they are coming, but I have no business. But look, people, all joking aside, there's no such thing as aliens, all right? I know that whenever we hear about UFOs, people get all excited, but there's always a perfectly reasonable explanation for what you see. For instance, those could be secrets, military planes, or even just clouds. Yeah, so just ignore the UFOs. But if the aliens ever do come to kill us all, I just hope that they give us an option on how to die. Sort of like what South Carolina is doing.

Breaking news here and quite a choice to make here really. In South Carolina, the governor has just signed a law that would force inmates on death row to choose. Electric chair or firing squad. The state is not carried out an execution, and in a decade this due to a shortage of drugs for lethal injection. So this new law keeps lethal injection as the preferred method, but it does require either the chair thethe firing squad if those drugs are not available.

That's right. If South Carolina can't get the drugs to lethally inject you, then you choose either electrocution, in which case they take you to the electric chair or death by firing squad, in which case they take you to an American high school. And I just have a question here, people. How are they even coming up with the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their firing their firing their firing their firing their firing their firing s their firing squad theiring s theiring s' theiring s' theiring s' theiring s' theiring s' theiring s' theiring s' their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their triro. trio. trio. their trio. their their their their their their their their their their case they take you to an American high school. And I just have a question here, people. How are they even coming up with these options? Who's doing this? Are this all in a room spitballing ideas? So how about a firing squad? Or a guillotine? Oh, oh, what about this?

Eating too many ghost peppers? What do you think? Or we could always just not kill them? Ha ha ha ha, just kidding. How about if they get trampled by elephants? I mean, look, I guess props to South Carolina for being the only Republican state, giving more black people the right to vote on something. But my question is, how do you expect people to choose an option? Like, how do they even know which one is better? Like, the people who've the the the the the thi people thi people thi people thi people who have thi people thi people thi people thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. tho tho tho tho thr-a thoe thoes tho tho tho tho tho thoes. thoes. thoes. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. to to to toean. toean. toean. toea. toean. toea. toea. toea. toea. toea. to know which one is better? Like the people who've been through it can't exactly post a Yelp review, so how do you know?

I mean personally, I'd probably pick the chair. You know? Yeah, it's gonna be horrible, but at least I'd have a little last minute revenge. Yeah, you might be executing me, but wait until you see your electric bill. Ha ha! The police, the answer to the question, whatever happened to that bully from high school. Ever since the Black Lives Matter movement began, there has been a debate over the best way to stop police abuse. Should the police be reformed, defunded, abolished, and police have consistently replied, nah,

let's do none of that. But now, even the most stubborn police organizations are giving at least a little ground. Police unions across the country endorsing a potential shift in the way that officers defend each other. The Union's Committee approved plan calls on more than 350,000 members of law enforcement to interfine when they see another union member doing something wrong, a rejection of the so-called code of silence among police officers.

Interesting. So you're telling police officers that starting now, if they see someone committing a crime, they'll have to stop it? I guess we can try it. For real though, people, it's so disconcerting that police even had to be to stop it. I guess we can try it. For real though, people. It's so disconcerting that police even had to be told this. It's like the employees must wash hands, signs, in restaurant bathrooms. What were you doing before this rule?

Now, there's always the potential that this could be a slippery slope. Because knowing cops, once they start policing each other, well, they're going to also start over policing each other. And pretty soon, the NYPD could just be 10,000 cops planting crack pipes in each other's squad cars. But I still think that this is the right move. Because a code of silence is pretty much always a bad thing. I mean, the only acceptable code of silence is the one where you hear your grandmother casually fought, and you just pretend it didn't happen. Uh-huh.

You know, when you think about it, it's actually ironic that police even have a code of silence because half of their job is convincing you to snitch. Tell us who sold you the drugs, Brad. It's the right thing to do. Okay, but first, you tell me which officer beat me up while I was handcuffed. I'm not telling you nothing. I ain't no snitch. Moving on to news from the world of politics, we all know Rudy Giuliani, right? Former advisor to President Trump and the only lawyer loyal enough to go to jail with his clients. But did you know that Giuliani once spawned offspring? Yeah, it's true. And now, one of them is following in his footsteps.

We have new developments in the New York governor's race just into the live desk this morning. Andrew Giuliani, the son, a former New York City mayor and former Trump's Rudy Giuliani, throwing his name in the hat this morning. Julianne's only political experience is his former role as President Trump's sports liaison, where he helped to organize White House visits for sports teams. I worked in the Trump administration for four years, and I'm proud of many of the policies that we were able to accomplish in there. But I think I'm going to be pushing policies that's going to be pro-economic development.

It's going to be record-setting crime, the their, Giuliani name is certainly associated with, and we have that playbook ready to go. The Giuliani name is associated with crime reduction. I mean, I guess if one person is personally doing all the crimes, that does reduce the number of criminals. But yeah, Rudolph Giuliani's son is now running for governor off of his dad's name. And it's not a bad move. I mean, considering how much Americans love political dynasties. Bush, Clinton, Cheney, Kennedy, Cuomo.

It's almost like America fought the revolution to say, we don't want a king. We want like six to eight kings, and they can rotate. What surprises me is that any politicians kid would want to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the to the the the to the the the the to the the the to the the to the to the to to to the to to their their their their their their their their their king! We want like six to eight kings and they can rotate! What surprises me is that any politicians kid would want to go into politics. You know, man, personally, I would steer clear of any job that turned my dad into a melting piece of licorice. I want none of that action. But of course, Andrew Giuliani isn't just running as the son of America's only living gargoy. He's also also also also of his extensive experience as President Trump's sports liaison.

And I know some people think sports liaison, sounds like a bullshit job, like influencer or consultant or astronaut. But personally, I think he crushed it as the sports liaison. I mean, who do you think helped Trump get those championship teams, all of those cheeseburgers, huh? You think it's easy explaining to Uber eats that ordering 500 burgers was not a mistake? Yo, New York needs that executive experience so then we could get all of those burgers. And finally, let's talk about pets. They're the reason you occasionally talk like this. Yes you do. Yes you do. Adopting a pet th, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, th. th, th. th, th, th, th, th, th. th, th, th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. thi. thi. th, th, th. You, th. You, th. You, th. You, th, th. You, th. You, th. You, th, th. You, th, th, you th. You th, you th, you th. You th. You th, you th, you th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th, th, th is thi. You thi. You thi. You thi. You thi. You thi. You thi. You thi. You thi. You thi. You thi. You thi. You thi. You thi. You th reason you occasionally talk like this. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Adopting a pet was one of the most popular things to do during the coronavirus lockdowns.

They provided companionship, comfort, and gave you something to post-Picks of, aside from your ugly-assasanias. But now that the country is reopening, some of those pets are learning about Petco's return policy firsthand. Animal shelters across the country are starting to fill up with pets that are being returned after a pandemic adoption boom. Stay at home orders from last year prompted a lot of people to take on a dog or a cat as a companion during those difficult months.

But now shelters say a lot of those furry friends are being returned. Shelters say the return pets have no behavioral problems. Instead, owners are heading back to work or travel and just didn't feel that they fully understood the gravity of pet adoptions. Okay, this is not cool man. Like, I understand some people's pets don't live up to their expectations. You know? I mean, I bought a turtle once once. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tta tha. tha. tta tta tta tha. tta tha. tha. tta tha. tta tta ttax. ttax. ttau. thau thau. thau. ttau, th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th th th th th t toda. today. t ttoday. te. tea. tea. tean tean tean tean tean tean tean teat teat teat teat teat teat t t don't live up to their expectations, you know? I mean, I bought a turtle once and it barely did any karate. But pets don't deserve to be treated like this. They're members of the family.

You don't just return a member of your family. No. You put them in an affordable group home and visit them just enough to stay in their will. No, but seriously people, pets are a their pets their pets their pets their pets their pets their pets their pets their will. No, but seriously people, pets are a real commitment. And I think a lot of people don't understand that going in. Social media doesn't help, by the way. You know, based on people's posts, you'd think owning a pet was a stress-free cuddle-pilluser. You know, nobody is on Instagram walking around like, hey, fam, out in another 3 a.m. walk too' to the thu. too, to to to to to to their. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So. So. social. So. So. social. th. social. th. th. social. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. to. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. t. to. t. the. t. the. t. t. t. to. to. to. t. t. t. t. t. t. Hope he poops out the thumb drive with all my work files on it. Ha ha, hashtag pet life. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at ziprecruter.com slash zip. Zip recruiters smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, zip recruiters powerful matching technology starts showing you qualified people for it and you can use zip recruiters pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them

to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let zip recruiter find what you're looking for the needle in the haystack Four out of five employers who post on zip recruder get a quality candidate within the first day try it for free at this exclusive web address Zip recruiter dot com slash zip. Z Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. Insects. They're how we all get to experience the thrill of murder. People don't usually get excited about bugs. But when you've got ones that only appear about as often as a friend's reunion, well, that's worth buzzing about. The latest buzz is that billions of cicadas are emerging in the eastern US. Brude tin is coming out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. In. In. In the to the to to to to the the the the to to to to to to to. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. th. th. th. to, to, to, to, to, to, t. the. ti. ti. tttttttttttttttttttttttttthes. the, their, the, their, their, their, their, the. the. the. the. t about. The latest buzz is that billions of cicadas are emerging in the eastern U.S. Brewed tin is coming out of the ground after 17 years. The cicadas have been underground, living on tree sap.

And now, as the ground temperature hits 64 degrees, they're making their way to the tree tops, to mate. Their goal is to reach the tree branches branches, where the tree the tree the tree the tree the tree the tree tops, to mate. Their goal is to reach the tree branches where they will mate, lay eggs, and then die. Two weeks later, the eggs will hatch, the young will tumble to the ground, and the whole 17-year cycle will start all over again. So why the cicada swarm scientists note their bizarre behavior is all part of their survival strategy? It's called predator saciation. They're going to emerge in such massive numbers synchronously.

They'll fill the belly of every predator that wants to eat them. And they'll still be enough left over to perpetuate their species. Wow. 17 years. Man, think about how different their species. Wow, 17 years. Man, think about how different the world was the last time these guys were up here in 2004. I mean, Tom Brady had just won the Super Bowl. We were getting ready to watch Vindiesel in a brand new Fast and Furious movie. Ben Affleck was dating JLo. Who, it's going to be hard for them to adjust. But basically, Cicadas hide for 17 years and then emerge all at once to try and have sex as fast as they can.

I feel like right now everyone coming out of the pandemic is like, yeah, yeah, I get that, I get that for show. And you know, as weird as this seems, it actually makes sense to me that they only do this once every 17 years. I mean, anytime I try to get more than three friends together, we always end up being like, all right, all right, you know what, what does summer 2038 look like for you guys? All right, great, we'll have brunch then. As interesting as it is, though, this life cycle is completely insane. I mean, how how did the cicadas even come up with this? Okay, guys, you know how most species hang out in the sun all day having fun?

Well, how about we stay underground for 17 years, sucking our roots? Then we jump out only once and have sex once before we get eaten. I love it. Oh, my word's perfect. Don't change a thing! But let's move on from the cicada orgy to some alarming news about human reproduction. Because you see, it turns out that when Brude 10 returns in 17 years, we might not be around to see them.

Could humans one day become an endangered species? Scientists say we are not only grappling with the coronavirus pandemic and a climate emergency, they say humanity is also facing a sperm count crisis. Analysis suggests that sperm counts in the West have dropped by over 50 percent in the last 40 years, and if the downward trend continues, it's fear that the planet could be facing what scientists are calling a spermageddon by the year 2045. Scientists say our modern life is behind this decline, unhealthy lifestyle such as smoking and obesity, and exposure to dangerous chemicals found in plastics, cosmetics, and pesticides.

Wow, okay. This is some really bad news. Although, the way they delivered it is probably not going to hit right with some people. Dude, are you telling me that if I smoke, get really fat and live an unhealthy lifestyle, then I can have sex without birth control? Yeah, dude, sign me up. But for real guys, this is bad news. If we don't stop sperm

levels from dropping, that means the end of pregnancies. And that means no more episodes of Teen Mom. I mean I'm sure there'll be other effects too. I haven't thought it all through yet, but I'm Teen te mom, people. I mean, I know spermageddon sounds like a spinoff to the Shark Nato movies, but I think we have to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to to to to to to to the the the the their their their their th. th. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th thi, their s s s s' the, th th th th th th th th th th th their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, the toge toge. toge. toge, toge, togu. toge, the the the th th th the, th th to the Shark Nato movies, but I think we have to start conserving our sperm. We can't just be wasting it anymore just because we saw someone hot in a shampoo commercial. Most importantly, we men have to start treating our bodies better. Because your sperm is only as healthy as you are. If you're spending all day smoking and eating badly, you can't be surprised when your sperm is also hella out of shape. Okay guys let's do it! Time to get to that egg! Ah! Oh wait, I'm cramping. I'm cramping. Oh boy, this is further than I thought. I just...

Wow, do we have to go to the egg now? We've got to do that right now? Because this is a lot... Oh boy. oh I'm not, I don't think I'm gonna make, I just, oh man, you know what, I'm just gonna call an Uber. I just think, yeah, I see what, surge pricing. And finally, this is the time of year for spring cleaning. You know, it's when you take out all of your old t-shirts, decide not to throw any of them away, and then put them all back slightly folded. But if you find some stuff while going through your house that you really don't want anymore, please think carefully before giving it away. We all know that saying one man's trash is another man's treasure. Well sometimes it is just trash. This morning Goodwill is

urging people to reconsider what we're donating. It turns out Goodwill is urging people to reconsider what we're donating. It turns out Goodwill is getting a lot of stuff that can't use like broken furniture and leaky batteries, and that's hurting the nonprofit more than helping garbage disposal costs are going through the roof. A spokesperson for Goodwill says, if you wouldn't give it to your judgey mother-in-law, then don't donate it. That's right. Some people out there are actually trying to give Goodwill trash, like broken furniture,

leaky batteries and Kanye's last album. And what I want to know is, who the hell is trying to donate leaking batteries? What asshole is out there going, well I don't like getting burned by battery acid, but maybe poorer people will? I don't know what they're into. And you know that this has become a real problem for goodwill? Because they never never like like like like like, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, th. th. thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. thr-I. thr-I. thr-I. th. thr-I. And, th. th. thr-I. thr-I. And, thr-I. And, their, their, ththey're into. And you know that this has become a real problem for goodwill? Because they never say negative stuff like this. They're literally called goodwill. If they're mad, then there's a good reason. Like if you saw Mr. Rogers going off on Daniel Tiger, well, you know that that little puppet try to pull some shit. So guys, please make sure that the items you donate to the it the items the items the items the items the items the items the items you donate are useful. And when it's time to throw away batteries, be responsible.

You take them and you put them in a drawer where they just stay forever. Because no one really knows how to throw batteries away. I mean, it's like, you just keep them. Before we go, May is Mental Health Awareness Month. So please consider supporting the national alliance. Trens. on mental health. They're the nation's largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to supporting the millions of Americans affected by mental illness. If you want to help them provide advocacy, education, and

support for mental health, then please go to the link below and donate whatever you can. Watch the Daily Show, week nights at 11th 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.