The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories | Elon Musk Buys Twitter For $44 Billion

Episode Date: April 29, 2022

Elon Musk buys Twitter for $44 Billion, Dr. Fauci declare the U.S. out of “pandemic phase”, and Trump incites violence over “dangerous” fruit. Here’s what happened this week.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. The latest twist in the will-they-won't-they story that everyone is talking about. Elon Musk and Twitter. It's the hottest and messiest relationship drama this side of Riverdale, and it looks like after weeks of flirtation and fighting fighting the new couple has officially done the deed. Now it is official Elon Musk has bought Twitter for approximately 44 billion he's gonna be paying each share of Twitter 54 dollars and 20 cents in a statement released by the company mr. Musk said free speech is the company, Mr. Musk said, free speech is the bedrock of a functioning democracy,

and Twitter is the digital town square where matters vital to the future of humanity are debated. This is a dramatic turn of events from earlier this month when Twitter was set to decline Musk offer, adopting a so-called poison pill to block him. That's right, people. Twitter said it would never sell to Elon Musk, and then he produced the cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash cash the cash the cash the cash the cash the cash their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their of of of of their their their of of of of of of a of of a of of a of of a of of a of of a of of a of of a of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their theck.co. theck. theck. to block him. That's right, people. Twitter said it would never sell to Elon Musk, and then he produced the cash, and they're like, all right, we'll sell. Yes, I guess they found that edit button after all. It's actually kind of a historic moment.

This is the first time anyone at Twitter has changed their mind about anything. Well done. I feel like Twitter was always going to sell to Elon though, right? They just couldn't be too eager about it. You know, it's like a husband and a wife where it's like, uh-uh, I am not going to that wedding. Forget it. It's not going to happen. And then three months later, it's like, how does my bow tie look? Do you think it looks good? Do you think it does? It just doesn't seem like a fun place to supervise right now. You know, it's like buying Jurassic Park after the power went down and the cages are opened.

Yeah, you're going to spend a lot of time replacing Jeep windshields. That's all I'm saying. But the truth is, look, in many ways, this is a really smart move by Elon Musk. Because wealthy men know the value in owning publishing platforms. Yeah, it's why Jeff Bess bought the the the's why Rupert Murdoch bought the Wall Street Journal. It's why Confucius owns those fortune cookies. Yeah. Yeah, because you see, then he knows that none of us will play his lucky numbers in the lotto. That's genius.

That's genius. So you see, by buying Twitter, Elon Musk gets to own one of the most culturally influential publishing platforms in the world. I mean, remember this, think about it. Twitter is how the Arab Spring took off, right? Black Lives Matter blew up on Twitter. The Me Too movement started on Twitter. Trump used Twitter to turn himself from a reality show joke into the 45th president of the United States and a joke. So owning Twitter gives you more power than the drugstore employee with the key to the deoderine shelf, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thuuui, to to to to to to to to to to tooom, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, the too, the the the the the the the tooomuuuuuui, the the tooome, not piss off Curtis. Don't play around. Shut you down. Walk around smelling musty. So here's the thing. Look, whether you are for Elon Musk or against him, you've got to admit, it is pretty crazy that one man is now in control of all of that. Because before this, Jack Dorsey didn't own Twitter. A lot of people think he did. No, he had 2% of the shares. And even as CEO, he still had to answer to the board. And the board still had to answer to the shareholders. And Twitter itself still had to answer to the SEC. But now as a private company, it's just Elon Musk. Yeah, everything that happens on Twitter from now is up to him. And also whatever. And also, and also, whatever, the the the the the the the th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. th. th. the thi, thi, the thi, thi, the the thi, thi, the tho, thi, the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the board the board the board the board the board the board the board the board the board the board the board the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the. the. the. thean, the board the board, the board, the board, the board, tolde. toe. toe. toe. And, toe. And'm just saying, if he gets the wrong sativa, there could be a race war people. Prepare yourselves. Like, this is the thing. Whether it's a billionaire you like or a billionaire you hate, as a society, I think we should

spend more time interrogating how easy it is for billionaires to shape our world in their favor. Just think about it. You like it now, you don't like it now. But should they be able to do it? I don't know. But let's move on from Twitter to a real battlefield. The invasion of Ukraine. Since before the invasion began, the United States has tried to put pressure on Russia using economic sanctions,

which is basically taking away your allowance, but the US government has gone off to Russian officials, oligarchs, companies, companies, the course Vladimir Putin himself. But it turns out there's one high-profile Russian who has somehow avoided becoming a target. A new report explains why the U.S. has so far refused to sanction Vladimir Putin's girlfriend, and the mother, allegedly, of his three, or three of his children. The U.S. government has considered, but then pulled back on, sanctioning a woman long-remored to be Putin's girlfriend, the Russian gymnast Alina Kabeva.

This is something that was deemed so sensitive that they decided to hold off because they believed that Putin's response could be so irrational, that there would be some sort of backlash. Wow, this is interesting. The US government has sanctioned everyone except Putin's girlfriend. I guess they watched the Oscars and they were like, oh, maybe we should stay away from spouses. I'm just, you play it safe.

And before we get into the sanctions or not sanctions, am I the only person who shocked that Vladimir Putin has a girlfriend? Am I the only one? Like, if there's any man out there who has some red flags, girl, let me tell you about Vlad. Yeah, I know some people like a bad boy, but this is next level. Like, this bad and then there's genocide, okay? Also, Putin must be relieved that the US is not sanctioning the the the the tha sanction is not sanction is not sanction is not sanction is not sanction tha sanction not sanction not sanction not sanction not sanction not sanction not sanction is not sanction not sanction that thian thian thus sanctioned that thus sanctions that the US is not sanctioning his girlfriend. Because let's be honest, sanctions take a relationship to a whole new level. You know, it puts a lot of pressure on the relationship. Yeah, I always tell my friend, sanctions in a relationship.

Oh, yeah. It's a lot of pressure. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm sure Putin was relieved. than he is. Can you imagine how pissed his girlfriend would be? He's just like, Vlady, how come America treat me like your wife? But you still will not let me keep toothbrush at Kremlin, huh? Tish to, Vlad, thi sto. A little over a year ago, thousands of Trump supporters stormed the capital building in an attempt to stop the election

from being certified. And they wanted to declare Donald Trump super president forever no backsees. Now what was surprising is that by and large, the Republican Party has decided not to hold any of that against Donald Trump. And I mean, let's be honest, how can you stay mad at this face? How could you stay mad at this face! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the Capitol riots wasn't even the scariest thing that happened on January 6th. Because, you see, my friends, we're now finding out that something else happened that day.

Countless Republicans seem to have had their memories erased. I know it sounds crazy, but okay, look at what happened to Kevin McCarthy, the leader of the House Republicans and guy who has definitely called rap music the Hippity Hop. He's one of Trump's firmest supporters. Never waive it in public even after January 6th. So when the New York Times reported that McCarthy had privately told colleagues that he thou th though truund, he denied it fiercely. He had no memory of saying the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the their the their the the the the leader. The leader. The leader. The leader. The leader. The leader. The leader the the the leader. The leader. The leader the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the privately told colleagues that he thought Trump should resign, he denied it fiercely. He had no memory of saying anything like that. And then the tapes dropped. I've had it with this guy. What he did is unacceptable. Nobody can defend that and nobody should defend it. And that I mean, the only disgusting I would have with him is that it would be my recommendation

we should be not. It is my recommendation that he should resign, but yet McCarthy's memory of that call was completely wiped. Yeah, on January 10th, he was all, I've had it with this guy, and then two weeks later he was chilling at Marilago. Yeah, dude quit Trump, the way most of us quit Twitter. I'm deleting this app. Actually, I'm not gonna delete it.

But I won't check it again until right now. Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet. Did you miss me? And by the way, a lot of people were wondering if getting caught on tape slamming Donald Trump would be the end of Kevin McCarthy's political career. I mean, this is Trump's party. You know, if Trump comes out against him, that's it. It's over. All it takes is one, crying Kevin betrayed me, and it's done.

But instead, Trump came out and said, he and McCarthy are fine. In fact, he said, I think it's all that's that's that's that's that's that's think's think's think's thinks, it's thinks, it's all a big compliment. Frankly, they realized they were wrong and supported me. Yeah, you see, Trump loves this stuff. In fact, if you used to be against him, and now you're not, he likes those people more than someone who loved him the whole time, because it shows that he made you bend the knee. Yeah, the dude loves converting people more than Scientologists and vegans combined.

Let me tell you something now. If Hillary Clinton herself came out right now as pro-Trump, I don't care what anyone says. Let me tell you right now, she would be his new favorite person. He'd be like, do we love Crooked Hillary, folks? Do we love her? Let her out. Let her out. Let her out. So good. So good. So good.

I love her. I love her. I love her. She was so cheeky. Used to be cheeky. So yeah. Kevin McCarthy completely forgot what he said on and around January 6th. But it's not just him.

Take Rick Perry, Trump's Energy Secretary. A few months ago, CNN reported that Perry was the author the author the author the author the author the author the author the author the author the author the author the author the author the author the author the the the the th tho thooooooooooooo. I tho. I tho. I thoooo. So. So, so good good good. So, so good good good good good good good good good good good good good good. So good. So good. So, so good. So good. So, so good. So good. So, so good. So, so good. So, so good. So, so good. So, so good. So, so good. So, so good. So, so good. So, so good. So, I I I I th. So, I th. So, I th. So, so th. So, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. So, so good, so good, so good, so good, so good, so good, so good, so good, so good tho. Perry, Trump's Energy Secretary. A few months ago, CNN reported that Perry was the author of a text message laying out a plan for overturning the election. And Perry said, absolutely not. It never happened. But then today, CNN got hold of the complete message and it's actually signed Rick Perry. Yeah. I don't know what's worse. The fact that he was part of an insurrection or the fact that he signed his text message. That's such an old person thing to do. It's worse than when my grandfather bought a bigger TV because he thought it would fit more channels in it.

So look, obviously something happened to Rick's memory too. But as worried as I am for those guys, people I am really concerned about Marjorie Taylor Green. Congresswoman from Georgia and Soccer Mom, who's definitely slatched the other team's bus tires. You see, a few of MTG's constituents have filed a lawsuit to disqualify her from Congress based on her role in January 6th. Yeah, apparently there's something in the Constitution

that says you can't run for office if you do an insurrection against the government. Yeah, you know how people had crazy ideas back then. Yeah. And now look we all know it's probably not going to work but Marjorie Taylor Green was still forced to testify at a hearing on Friday and it looks like nobody has been hit harder by January 6th amnesia than her. You didn't talk to anybody in government about the fact that there were gonna be large protests in Washington on January 6th. I don't remember.

He spoke to Representative Biggs or his staff about that fact, didn't you? I do not remember. How about Representative Gosar? I don not remember. How about Representative Gossar? I'm sorry I don't remember. Did anyone ever mention to you the possibility that there might be violence in Washington? I don't remember. Ms. Green, this is a tweet that you sent out on January 2, 2nd, 2021, correct? I'm not sure. Okay, you don't recall this? I don't recall tweeting that, no.

Did you advocate to President Trump to impose martial law as a way to remain in power? I don't recall. You don't recall if you wanted to impose martial law? You don't, wow! I wish I had Marjorie Taylor Green's memory. Yeah, I once said, enjoy your dinner to a waiter in 2003 And I still think about it every day Every day Enjoy your dinner you enjoy your dinner kill me meanwhile. Meanwhile, she can't even remember if she told the president to impose martial law? Yo. Yeah, yo. Let me tell you something. That should be an easy one for most people if you. If you. to tell you. tho. th, to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to to to to to to to to to to to enjoy. to enjoy to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to enjoy. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. if she told the president to impose martial law.

Yo, yo, let me tell you something. That should be an easy one for most people. If you ever asked the president to impose martial law, you would never forget something that specific. Like, if anyone can't say no to doing something that specific and weird, you definitely did that shit. Um, I, uh, have I ever tried to steal a horse and, uh, ride it inside a bouncy castle? Your honor, I do not recall. Um, but you gotta admit that sounds like something a pretty cool guy would do, right? Members of the jury, right?

Yeah. But if it's not cool, then I do not recall. Yeah, I don't remember. So, Marjorie Taylor Green spent the entire hearing denying that she had any memory of anything to do with January 6th. But it turns out, my friends, that they may be a cure to this amnesia, because one thing that can bring it back, even if just for a little bit, is evidence. And in another moment, Taylor Green first denied that she had called House Speaker Nancy

Pelosi a trader to her country before kind of hedging a little bit when faced with actual evidence of saying it. In fact, you think that Speaker Pelosi is a traitor to the country, right? You're not answering that question. It's speculation. You've said that, haven't you, Ms. Green, that she's a traitor to the country? Okay. Put up points exhibit five, please. Oh, no, wait. Hold on now.

Oh no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, I remember the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, yeah. No, no, no, no, mom, yeah, I did my homework, and she's like, oh yeah, yeah, let me show it to me, and you're like, oh, homework! Yeah, I thought you meant my work at home. I'll do that now, thank you mom for reminding me. Yeah, no, thank you so much for that.

Look, man, I mean, clearly this person is unqualified for Congress. Because politicians are supposed to be good at lying, okay? This was just embarrassing. Okay, in my defense, I didn't know you had evidence. I mean, I never have evidence for the stuff I say. I didn't even know that was a thing you could do. Keep in mind, people. This stuff only happened a little over a year ago. It's not like they're being. But nobody in the Republican Party can seem to remember planning the insurrection or talking about it or even how they felt about it at the time. Kevin McCarthy, Marjorie Taylor Green, Jim

Jordan, the list goes on and on. When it comes to the events surrounding that day, it's almost like it's been erased from their memories, which is obviously ridiculous unless... On the next memories which is obviously ridiculous unless. On the next season of severance. Did you talk to the White House about trying to overturn the election? I do not remember. It's one thing to forget work. Governor to see McCarthy simply doesn't remember what he said about Mr. Trump's culpability.

I'm not sure you're talking about. Jim Jordan can't seem to remember when he talked to Trump's culpability. I'm not sure what call you're talking about. Jim Jordan can't seem to remember when he talked to Trump on January 6th. I don't know if I spoke with him in the morning or not. I just don't know when those conversations happened. But what if an entire political party couldn't remember January 6th? Did you talk with other congressmen about overturning the election? I have thi th th thed thed thed thed thed thed thed thed thed the the the the the the the the the thatting thatting thatting thatu thatu thatu thatu the tho th. I thi th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that thi thi thi. to to to to to to to to to to to thean to thean. to thean. thii. thi. thi. thi. the election. I have no idea.

That's a perfect score. Sometimes, it's just easier to forget. Hello. Coming to Apple TV Plus this fall. The continuing saga of Twitter and Elon Musk. Right? Yesterday, the Tesla CEO and man who has definitely made love to a robot, officially purchased Twitter. Sitting off a wave of take so hot they burned off my eyebrows and I had to draw them back on. Everyone was going crazy. Twitter is over.

Twitter's back. Twitter killed Jeffrey Epstein. But one of the biggest takes came from former Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey, who gave Musk his stamp of approval saying, I trust his mission to extend the lights of consciousness. And I'll be honest, people. I have no idea what that means. Yeah? But Jack's clearly on that billionaire speak, yeah. No, I feel like after you reach a certain net worth,

you just start talking like a stoned Jedi, you know? It's like, what do I want for lunch? My hunger cannot be satiated, for I crave justice. So turkey sandwich? Yeah, turkey sandwich? But all jokes aside, Jack Dorsey is a great guy and I wish him a safe journey back to his home planet. But not everyone is as chill.

Yeah, a lot of Twitter users flat out said that they're going to leave the site. That's how much they hate the idea of Elon Musk owning it. To which Elon replied, I hope that even that thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii that even thi-a thi-a thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that's that's that's thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. thi. thi. thi, is thi, is thi, Elon Musk owning it. To which Elon replied, I hope that even my worst critics remain on Twitter, because that is what free speech means. Yeah, it was really beautiful. And I hope that he means that. I really do. I mean, but don't forget, this is a guy who wants personally canceled a blogger's Tesla order because of something they wrote about him.

So I'm just saying. He has nice intentions, but when you have the power the power the power the power to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a thiiiiolkiolomefix and I'm a thiolomeauau. thiolomeau. thiolomeau. thiolomeau. thi. thiolomea. I'm thiol-a. I'm thi. thi. thi. thi. I'm thi. thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm not thi. I'm not thi. I'm not thi. I'm not thi. I'm not thi. I'm not thi. I'm not thi. thi. I'ma. t. t. te. te. te. I'ma. I'ma. I'ma. I'ma. I'ma. I'ma. I'ma., yeah. You know, he has nice intentions, but when you have the power to be petty on an epic scale, the temptation to do it can be really hard to resist. I don't even blame him. I think it will happen to you. Like, if I bought Google, if I bought Google, you best believe I would abuse those auto fills. Yeah. Especially around like Emmy voting season. You'd be like, John Oliver, it would be like, th wig collector? Stephen Colbert hit and run? Trevor Noah saves puppies. Hey. How did that happen?

Me? No, off, guys, no. I just, yeah. I just had to, yeah. I just had to, because Stephen Colbert hit the owner owner and then I had to, you know, just one of those things. But of course, the person everyone was waiting to hear from was the former king of Twitter, who would still be the king if the throne hadn't been stolen from him.

I'm talking about Donald Jetsky Trump. You see, after getting kicked off of Twitter, Trump started his own service called Truth Social. But now that Elon owns Twitter, everyone wants to know if Trump will come back. And yesterday, the Tangerine Dream responded. Someone not on Twitter? Donald Trump. A little over a year ago, the former president was banned from the site. But even with new ownership, Trump told Fox News, he will not rejoin and instead

stick with his own social media platform. I am not going on Twitter. I am going to stay on truth. I hope Elon buys Twitter because he'll make improvements to it and he is a good man, but I am going to be staying on truth. President Trump this weekend, Saturday night at his rally touting his social media platform, truth social and its plans to take on Big Tech censorship. Because of this digital tyranny we had to give the American people their voice back by building something called truth, truth, central. Truth social. Oh man. Did this guy just called Truth Social truth social? What was that? Oh man, you hadthis guy just call truth social truth central?

What was that? My man, you had one job, one job. It's your social media platform and you messed up the name? It's almost like every time Trump speaks, his own mouth stages an insurrection. That's what happens inside there. But yeah, Trump insists that he is not going back to Twitter. He's going to stick with Troop SoCal, which so far has been a total bust.

Apparently, the app only has 500,000 daily users. And to put it in perspective, Twitter, the thing that it's supposed to be replacing, has 217 million daily users. Yeah. So truth social is competition for Twitter. The same way that guy on the plane tha tha tha doesn't bode well that Trump himself has only posted on Truth Social one time, ever. Yeah, and that was two months ago.

Think about how crazy that is. People, when he was on Twitter, Trump would send out like, what, 50 tweets every time he went to the bathroom, but now he hasn't posted in two months? I'm just saying man, someone needs to get this guy some prunes you stack. He's in trouble. Now apparently this has been an interesting part of the story. Apparently a lot of Republicans are secretly thrilled if Trump would never come back to Twitter. Yeah you remember what it was like when he was on Twitter? All right? He would say something. You tweet something random like, Congress should make it illegal to speak Spanish.

And then all day reporters would be tracking down Republican senators in the hallway. Remember, they'd chase them. Do you agree with the president? That it should be illegal to speak to speak Spanish. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their, their, to. to. to. to. to. to speak, their, to speak, to speak, to speak, to speak, to speak, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, to make, to make. Congress. Congress. Congress. Congress. Congress. Congress. Congress. Congress. Congress. Congress. to. Congress. to. to. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their. their. too. too. to to their, Congress. to to to to to to to to to to to to toe. toe. toe. to weird press conferences. Remember, they actually evade the questions without angering Trump. It was always them in the hallways, just being like, inundated, like the people, be like, uh, did I see what the president twee? And I have seen Twitter as a company,

and I have seen the president as well. And I would love to comment on this particular this particular this particular this particular this particular this particular, but I'm this particular, but I'm this particular, but I'm this particular, but I'm this particular, but I'm this particular, but I'm this particular, but I'm this particular, but I'm about to eat to eat to eat to eat to eat to eat to eat to eat the the the the to eat the to eat the to eat the to eat the the to eat the to bea'nate the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the twea'aunit., Iananananananananananundic., Iananananananananananananananund., Imea'n., I'm tweeananananneed-inundatea'n'n'. Sorry, I can't talk, I'm dying. I'm dying. I'm dying. Throat closing up. Thank you very much. No more comments. I'll be honest, though. The only reason I would want Trump back on Twitter. The only reason is because I know, yes, it would probably lead to another term, and it would destroy the country. But I just, I just really want to see his wordle scores. I just see him every day being like,

how could Trong Shachel not be a word? I use it all the time. As you know, it has been nine weeks now, thinne. told me to be a word. I use it all the time. As you know, it has been nine weeks now since Vladimir Putin decided the best way to improve his international standing was to gently slide not into Ukraine's DMs, but into the entire Eastern region.

And since then, the whole world has been trying to figure out what to do. How do you respond to a madman who has nuclear weapons in his back pockets? And the world tried everything, tried sanctions, tried cutting off Putin from international trade, tried blocking his PlayStation profile so he couldn't play fortnight. And now finally, some countries have taken it to the next level, with Germany sending tanks to Ukraine. Yeah, which the Russians have called a major escalation. And I'll be honest, I agree with Russia on that. It is an escalation. You know, whenever German tanks show up to anything, shit's about to escalate.

German tags never show up and people are like, ah, all right, it's chilled now. Yeah, you know what it's like? It's like when a black woman takes off her earrings? There's no way things are coolingations by turning off some of Europe's heat. Overnight a drastic move. Russia cutting all gas deliveries to Bulgaria and Poland to NATO members. This comes after Putin's ultimatum last month demanding that quote unfriendly nations pay for gas and Russian roubles. Poland's Prime Minister not backing down. Saying we will be able

to protect our economy, protect our households, and polls against such a dramatic step by Russia. Bulgarian officials say they are working with state gas companies on alternative sources, while Poland says it has been working for years to produce its reliance on Russian gas and there wouldn't be a shortage of gas in Polish homes. Ooh, things are getting tense. Yeah, Russia says no more gas for Poland than Bulgaria. And in response, Poland and Bulgaria like, screw you, we don't need your gas. We have our own.

And then just to prove the point, Poland and Bulgaria posted selfies of themselves surrounded by gas. Yeah, classic breakup behavior. But this is the thing that's going to suck for Russia. Their main leverage is that their gas provides Europe's heat, but as the months get warmer, their negotiating power goes down. You know, it's the same way your gym teacher has all the power over you to make push-ups, like what you're going to do during the school year, but let him meet you over the summer vacation. And all of a sudden, it's like, you have no power here, Mr. Papadopoulos. Why don't you do push-ups, bitch? He's like, I'll see you in September.

But I'm here now. So you know what, good for Poland and Bulgaria, because most European countries are still buying Putin's gas. Yeah, many of them say they can't help it, which you have have they're they weird, you know. It's like if the people of Gotham were obsessed with the Joker's taco truck, you know, it's just like, look, I mean, this guy is definitely a super villain, but have you tried his Alpastore? I mean, it is amazing. And here's the thing. So this is this underlying issue is a little more complicated than gas, thia, What happens is Russia wants to be paid for its gas in rubles, right? The Russian currency, because that way, European countries have to keep buying rubles, which keeps the currency alive.

So I understand why Russia is so mad at getting paid in a currency that they don't want. You know? Like, have you ever gotten a gift from your little nephew that's a coupon for one free hug? Yeah, I don't want that shit. I want cold hot cash, Timmy! Hugs always free. Are you stupid? Anyway, let's move on. Timmy pisses me off, man. For years, flight attendants in America have complained about, well, two, the idiots who press the call button when they meant to turn on the lights, and two, the way they they they they they they get they they get they they they they they they the way the way the way the way they the way the way the way they the way the way the way they the way the way the lights and two, the way they get paid. Well now, finally, Delta Airlines is taking care of one of those issues. Flight attendants with Delta will soon be getting paid a little bit more money.

The airline says it'll now start paying cabin crews during boarding. Up until now, flight attendants did not start getting paid until the passengers were seated, the plane's doors closed. That was the moment that their pay started. Delta says the change will start June 2nd as the company faces the possibility of its more than 20,000 flight attendants forming their own union. The change could increase some attendance wages by several thousand dollars every year. Yeah, believe it or not, flight attendants in America do not get paid during the boarding process, Which is crazy. Just think about, you're at work, doing work, but your bus is like, nah, this is your free time.

What, I only pay you when the doors are closed? That's wild. It also sucks for flight attendants on spirit airlines because they don't even have doors. What do they do? Do they work for free? How does that shit work? Because here's the thing, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, the the the the their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. Just, just, just, just, just thi. Just, just thi. Just, just, just, just, just thi. thi. thi. work? Because here's the thing, people, the boarding process is not easy. If anything, they should be getting paid extra for that part. You've got to deal with passengers who suddenly don't know how numbers work. Does 23 come before 24? And what number is J? And then on top of that, they have to deal with our bags that never fit. And by the way, can't the the the the the the the the the the the th you th you th th th th th th ask th th ask th thuke tho their tho tho their their their their their their their their their their tho thi people people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their, people, people, people, people, people, people, their their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thoo. thoooooooooomoooomorrow, thoooooooooooooooooooooooo. their, people, people, their, people, that, they have to deal with our bags that never fit. Yeah, and by the way, can I ask you, why do the bags never fit the bags never fit? No, honest question, why do they never, it's called an overhead bag, right?

But it doesn't fit into the overhead, why do they call it that? They shouldn't be allowed to sell it to you, can't call an overhead bag, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the, the, the bags, the bags, the bags, the, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, I swear, the store said it would fit in the overhead. There's none of them, they're like, you're an idiot. I'm not in, it's your overhead bag, but they're not, that's what the FBI should be focusing on. That's the real crime. That's sell me a bag that makes me look like an idiot. By the way, did you notice how Delta said it was going to change this rule only after they learned that flight attendants are trying to form a union?

Yeah. Interesting timing. Hmm? Yeah, it was like that Marjorie Taylor Green moment. Oh, oh, you mean that? A union. Yeah. Nothing scares these giant airlines more than unions. Like if someone yelled bomb in an airport and someone else yelled, Union! They honestly wouldn't know who to tackle first. And I'm going to give these flights attendants a lot of credit because let me

tell you something, man. People fly all the time. You see these people working hard, but I didn't know that they weren't getting paid while the play. I don't know that. They're really patient people. If people. If people people people people people. If people people people people people people. If if if if if people people people people people people people people. If if if if if if if if people people people. If if their people. If I. If I. If. If. If. their, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, I. their, I. their, I. their, I. their, I, I. their. their, I, I. their, I. their, I. their, I. their, I while the plane, you do, I don't know that. They're really patient people. If I was working for free during the whole boarding process, I would have been way less friendly than, yo, I would have been in that airport like, hey, all right, zone one, get the hell up on the plane right now. Hurry up, I'm trying to get paid. Move, move, move, move, move. Move your dumb ass. Put the thing on the thing there, man. And I swear, I swear, if any of you

broke ass zone four, my **** is even trying to get in line right now, I will have the TSA waterboard your ass. Get back zone four. Sit down. You know who you is. That's why I kind of work in that way. All right, finally, let's talk about COVID-19. It's the only one of us that's seen Kamala Harrison like three months. As we all know, a little over two years ago, a bat in China didn't cover its mouth when it sneezed in a lab after visiting a food market, and that started a pandemic. And the world has never been the same. But now, Anthony Fauci, America's most renowned infectious disease scientist and most ready

for retirement human, has come out with some news that has left people shook. Listen to this, Dr. Anthony Fauci telling PBS that America is out of the pandemic phase. We are certainly right now in this country out of the pandemic phase. Namely, we don't have 900,000 new infections a day and tens and tens of thousands of hospitalizations and thousands of deaths. We are at a low level right now. We're not going to eradicate this virus. If we can keep that level very low and intermittently vaccinate people and

I don't know how often that would have to be. But right now we are not in the pandemic phase in this country. Woohoo! The pandemic face is over people! The pandemic face is, oh my God, I'm so happy. Oh, I'm so happy, I'm so happy. Man, I've been waiting for this moment since March of 2020. Do the balloon drop, yeah! Yeah!

Oh, wait, these are, oh, man. Oh, they're supposed to be like, fully inflated, but I... Oh, they blewthese are... Oh man, they're supposed to be like fully inflated, but I... We blew them up in April 2020. We thought it was only going to be a few weeks, but I guess things are tough. They're just like, are they still air inside these things? They're still air inside? Yeah. Yeah, they're...

What is that? COVID? Anyway. But yeah, Fauci says America is no longer in a pandemic phase, which is cool. But don't let these balloons fool you. It doesn't mean we're out of the pandemic. A lot of people actually misinterpreted this news today. They were like, the pandemic is over, time to tongue kiss my grandmother again. Man, time to tongue kiss my grandmother again. Man, time to tongue kiss my grandson again. They're a very loving family. But that's not what this means.

What Fauci was saying is that America is currently not in a pandemic phase. As in, not in a pandemic right now, but it's not over. It could come back, or it could go away, but it's not over. It could come back, or it could go away, but it could come back. Or go, you don't know. Yeah, it's a phase. It's sort of like wide-legged jeans. They disappeared for 20 years.

And now, suddenly, everyone looks like that to borrow a pair of pants from Shaq, you know? But as much as you want to get angry at people, here's the thing, Dr. Fauci, how did you not know? How do you not know by now how stupid people are? We're all stupid. You can't just say pandemic phase is over,

or when you say that all we hear is party time. I feel like that's been the scientists have been communicating directly with the public without somebody to interpret what they're saying. That's bound to cause chaos. We don't understand scientists speak. It's the reason God didn't speak directly to the people. He always went through a messenger. You know he was like, Noah, soon I will purge the land of all sin and vice so hence forth abundance may spring forth and whence there was squalor, things will change. And Noah was like, alright, gotcha. Hey, yo, grab a giraffe, shit's about to get wet.

Now we understand. Yeah, Afghanistan. For months now, we have known that the Biden administration completely botched the exit of American troops from America's longest war. Yeah, even the Game of Thrones guys were like, woofe-oh, rough ending.. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. th. Hey, th. Hey, th. Hey, th. th. th. th. Hey, hey, hey, hey, th. Hey, th. Hey, hey, hey, hey, th. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. to, to, to, to, to, tho. tho. th. the exit of American troops from America's longest war. Yeah, even the Game of Thrones guys were like, woof, rough ending. But now for the first time, we're learning the details of how costly this mistake actually was. We do have some new CNN reporting this morning.

The US left behind $7 billion worth a military equipment in the chaotic withdrawal from Afghanistan last year. That equipment now in the hands of the Taliban. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the, thrown, the the the, the the, thoome, the the the the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown. throe. throi. throi. throi. throi. throi. throi. throi. throi. throe. the chaotic withdrawal from Afghanistan last year. That equipment now in the hands of the Taliban. What kind of equipment is it? According to the report, a few details, aircraft, munitions, military vehicles, weapons, communications, gear. A lot of it requires very precise maintenance to remain usable. They don't know if the Taliban have been able to keep all of this stuff running. That's a, that's a key question that thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their thioli. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their their their their their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their know if the Taliban have been able to keep

all of this stuff running. That's a key question that they may never get an answer to. They left $7 billion worth of military equipment in Afghanistan. How is that even possible? Like, because I get anxiety leaving a hotel in a hurry, you know? I get that. You know, like when you're rushing and then you forget your toothbrush? But let me tell you something, if I left seven billion dollars worth of toothbrushes, we're turning this Uber around people, we're going back. Now, according to the people who left the stuff behind, and this part was really interesting, they say this might not be the issue because they say thi thi the the the T thi thi thi the T thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tha, thi, tha, tha, tha, thauu. thauuu. thaui. thauui. thaui. thauui. thaui. thauuui. thaui. tha is. And first of all, I feel like they're just saying that to cover their ass. Second of all, how are they gonna act like the Taliban doesn't have YouTube?

You can find anything on YouTube? Anything! You're telling me only Americans can use this equipment but the Taliban can't? They're acting like to turn the tank on. You have to sing, you sing like the theme song to friends, you know? You just got to be like, come on, guys, you've got to get the claps right. It's not working. What's happening? Here's my question.

Here's my question. there's never the money for health care. There's not enough enough enough enough enough enough enough enough enough enough enough enough enough enough enough enough to finally to finally to finally to finally to finally to finally to finally to finally to finally to finally to finally to finally to finally the Washington to finally finish the Washington monument by putting two balls on it, but America has no problem with leaving behind $7 billion worth of weapons? How come that never happens any other way? Like just once, I would love to turn on the news and hear something like, this just end, the government has too much money for health care. So everyone gets a free butt lift.

It's mind-boggling, people. It's mind-boggling how much money America wastes on the military. And don't let them trick you into saying, oh, no, it goes to the troops. Because it doesn't go to the troops. The troops are not bawling. No. The defense contractors is where their goes. And then you hear these people are like, well, we need to spend that money to keep people safe. But let me ask you this. What's more threatening to people in America?

A group of rebels in some foreign country, or health care nobody can afford, toxic drinking water, povertie, pollution? Because if I was America, I would spend my war money on the biggest threats. thathea, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, thathea, thathea, thathea, thathea, thathea, thathea, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th..... th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that that that thateea, that, that, that, that, th money on the biggest threats. Yeah, that's what I would do. And then I would send the Taliban flint's old water pipes. That's how I fight. You don't need missiles, just send that shit. Yeah, try drinking now. All right, but let's move on to England.

The world's number one exporter of Benedict Cumberbatches. As you may know, UK Parliament can be a pretty rowdy place. You know, every day people are shouting and booing at each other, like the crowd at the world's pastiest rap battle. But it turns out that there is something that you're not allowed to do on the floor, as one British politician found out. The Conservative Party has launched an investigation into claims by some of its female MPs that a Tory colleague watched porn on his mobile phone in the House of Commons itself.

Who is the Tory MP accused of watching pornography in the Commons? We still don't know, but government ministers have lined up today to condemn him, saying there's no place for pornography in any workplace. The MP could be suspended and thrown out of the Conservative Party and the story has reignited criticism of the overall culture in Parliament. A member of the UK's Conservative Party was caught watching porn during a session. And now he could be expelled for it. And I'll be honest, I'm just trying to understand the motivation here.

No, no, like, like what part of Parliament made this guy want to watch porn? Like, what turned him on? Was there some new legislation that was getting him hot? You know, was there some other minister who was like, this country is going deeper and deeper into debt. We cannot pull out at this point. It's just like, ooh, oh boy.

Oh boy. And you know, if you ask me, kicking him out wasn't the right punishment, man. What they should be doing is what parents do when they catch a kid smoking cigarettes. Yeah, they should force him to watch all of Pornhub. I'll teach him a lesson. he'll be like, oh, I've seen all the categories I didn't know existed, please. Who knew Congress had cocaine orgies? Oh, oh, oh, it's too much, Mitch McConnell. I kind of like that you saw him in your mind.

That was funny. One of you was like, ah, I saw it, Trevor. I mean, look, I get that Britain doesn't want its politicians watching porn at work, you know, but I will say, I think the one exception should be the royal family. No, I think porn could really open their eyes to the beauty of interracial relationships, you know, that could be a good thing for them. Oh, and finally, and finally, if you want to talk about politicians getting into weird trouble, and there's no better example than Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States and Phantom of the Marilago Carving Station. You see, the former president is currently being sued for inciting violence against protesters. And it's gotten serious enough that he was actually forced to testify about

it. Former President Donald Trump testified under oath. He was worried that protesters would hurl things at him and that they were dangerous. As part of his deposition from back in October for a civil lawsuit in New York, where activists claimed that the former president's bodyguards violently broke up protests outside Trump Tower back in 2015. Okay, first of all, it's crazy that there are so many Trump scandals that he's literally getting dragged into court for something we didn't even know was a thing. Like, did you know this was a thing? Huh? Did you? Nobody knew about this? I didn't.

Trump lawsuits are like Nicholas Cage movies. There's like a bunch where you're like, he lost a pig? When did that happen? But anyway, Trump was being sued for inciting violence to protesters, right, against protesters, rather. And then he came up with one of the most crazy defenses I've ever heard. This might be my favorite story of the year. And to fully understand the story, you have to hear the actual deposition that Trump gave tha the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. tooomomom. too, too, too, too, too, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. too, thi. the thi. the the, the. the. tooooooo. too. tooo. tooes. too. tooes. too. tooo. tooe. too understand the story, you have to hear the actual deposition that Trump gave in the case.

Now unfortunately, there's no recording, but fortunately there is a transcript. So to give you a little taste, I'm going to get some help from our very own. Michael Costa, everybody. For your understanding and enjoyment, Costa and I are going to read sections from the transcript for you. Now he will be reading the parts of various lawyers and I will be playing Donald Jackfruit Trump. And again, we're just going to read excerpts from the actual transcript, because I promise you no comedy writer is going to come up with something funny than this.

All right, are you guys ready? Are you ready? So, just so you understand, the key section begins with lawyers playing a video from a 2016 Trump rally. If you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously? Knock the crap out of them, would you? That was your statement. Oh yeah, it was very dangerous. We were threatened.

With what? They were going to throw fruit. We were threatened. With what? They were going to throw fruit. We were threatened. We had a threat. How did you become aware that there was a threat that people were going to throw fruit? We were told. And you get hit with fruit. It's no, it's very violent stuff. We were on alert for that. A tomato is a fruit after all, I guess, it has seeds. It's worse than a tomato. It's other things also, but tomato. When they start doing that stuff, it's very dangerous. It's very dangerous stuff.

You can get killed with those things. I wanted to have people be ready. Because we were put on alert that they were going to do to do to do to do to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the things. I wanted to have people be ready because we were put on alert that they were going to do, they were going to do to fruit. And some fruit is a lot worse than tomatoes are bad by the way, but it's very dangerous. No, I wanted them to watch. They were on alert. They were going to hit, they were going gonna hit hard. Do you have any knowledge as to whether or not anybody was found to have tomatoes in their possession on that date? I don't know. But it didn't happen. It worked out that nothing happened.

We heard it was going to happen, but nothing happened. Mr. President, is it your expectation that if your security guard see someone about to throw a tomato that they should knock the crap out of them? Well, uh, tomato, a pineapple. A lot of other things they throw, they have to be aggressive in stopping that from happening, because if that happens, you can be killed if that happens. And getting aggressive includes the use of physical force. To stop somebody from throwing the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap the crap tha-capape thoa crap the crap the crap th getting aggressive includes the use of physical force. To stop somebody from throwing pineapples, tomatoes, bananas. Stuff like that, yeah?

It's dangerous stuff. I have no further questions. And see. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Our two-man show the president and the fruit will be off-Broadway soon. Again, that conversation really happened with the former president of the United States. I will say this, he's not wrong about being hit with a pineapple being dangerous, you know?

I mean, that's got spikes built in. And a banana too. I might not seem dangerous, but remember, someone throws a banana, it comes right back at them, so you can just throw it at you, keep hitting you over and over again. You know what I think the worst, and that shit is disgusted. I hope it hits me in the head and kills me so I don't have to taste it. That's what I hope for. But no, people, this is serious stuff and it's actually caused the Secret Service to alter their methods. I'm told that we've obtained Service protesters are now going to be dealt with. And here's some of the new training.

Before we go, I just wanted to remind you that nearly 4,000 homes have been destroyed, and more than 40,000 people have been displaced by the floods and the mudslides in my home country, South Africa. Now, gift of the givers isthe mudslides in my home country, South Africa. Now, Gift of the Givers is a South African-based disaster relief organization on the ground, helping those who have been affected by the floods. So if you can help them in their work in any way, then please donate. Then, please donate at the link below. Watch the Daily Show, Weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.

This has been a Comedy Central podcast.