The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories | Europe Faces A Massive Heat Wave

Episode Date: July 23, 2022

Europe faces a massive heat wave, the Secret Service “loses” text from January 6th, and President Biden catches COVID. Here’s what happened this week.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Ditch the other hiring sites and let zip recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on zip recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day Try it for free at this exclusive web address zip recruiter dot com slash zip zip recruder the smartest way to hire You're listening to Comedy Central Central. Europe, the continent with a long history of white-on-white violence. Unfortunately, Europe is not having a good time right now. There's still a war in Ukraine, which is also causing an energy crisis. Italy's Prime Minister has called it quits. Britain has lost its leadership, which means now they'll have to find another magic spell to turn a dandelion into a Prime Minister. Plus, for the first time ever, the euro has become less valuable than the dollar. Yeah? And with the economy

struggling, European workers are now limited to only 45 weeks of vacation a year. And as if all of that wasn't enough, Now Europe is dealing with a hot girl summer that nobody asked for. The triple-digit temperatures that have sparked forest fires and drought conditions here in the states are also taking hold in Europe. This morning people are being warned to take cover as deadly heat sweeps across Britain. The National Weather Service issuing the first ever extreme heat warning with forecast highs of 105 today and tomorrow, hotter than the Sahara Desert and Delhi. The scorching heat is bearing down on all of Western

Europe fueling out of control wildfires. In southwest France planes dumped yet more water over wildfires that have burned an area bigger than 20,000 football fields. The heat is causing havoc, London's Luton Airport and an RAF base in Oxfordshire, both being forced to close because the runways were melting. Mamma Mia! Sacre bleur! Bloody bull sweat! The runways are melting! Did you hear that? The runways are melting. You never want to land a plane and hear it go, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,

and what do you even do in that situation? What do you do? Like, if the runways melted, where's the plane going to land? In the baby's mouth? That's right open, baby. Please, baby, the plane needs you, baby. Ah! You know, this is one of those situations where you really appreciate how calm a pilot is is, you know? Because even when a runway's melting, I bet the pilot's just going to be there like, ladies

and gentlemen, this seems the airplane is melting as the ground, so, uh, I'm going to suss, everyone, get back to their seat, their seat, th-and. is........ So, their, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. th. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi. their, their, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. We's, their, their, their, so. So, their, their, their, is. So, is. So, is. So, is. So, is. So. We. We. We. We. We. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t today. t t th th th th th th t to their seats. Hold on, now it seems like a portal to the underworld is opened and we are slowly being sucked by the devil himself, so I'm going to go ahead and turn around the fastened seatbel side. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the flat. But yes, Europe is scorching hot right now. And it's so bad that there were photos going around today of people pouring water in the mouths of the gods at Buckingham Palace. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi-a-a-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up-up, th. th. th. th-s, th. th. th. th-s, th-s, their, their, their-s, their-s, their-s, their-s, their-s, their-s, th-an-an-an-an-an-an-an-aneded-an-an-aned-an-aned-aned-aned-aned-aned-an-aned-aned-aned-s. I-s. I- if I had to make a suggestion though maybe the first thing I would do in a heat wave is lose the 10-foot head, covered entirely in fur, or at least fill it with ice. It looks like it would be a good cooler, you know? And remember, remember, you might be hearing those temperatures in America going like, oh, 100 degrees, that doesn't sound bad. But remember, this heat weight is especially bad for Europe because Europeans are not prepared for this kind of heat. Yeah, they don't use air conditioners in most parts of Europe.

They don't even put ice in their drinks, and they can get sunburned from like a camera flash. Ah, ah, ah, ah, so, how, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, th. So, th. So, the. So, the. So, the. So, th. the, the, the, the, we're experiencing record temperatures, wildfires, and droughts. And I mean, I know it can't be climate change because Fox says that's not real, so... It's probably pronouns? Is it pronouns? I heard those are pretty bad. Anyway, let's move on from Europe to another place that's feeling the heat, the White House. After being unable to accomplish anything that Joe Biden has campaigned on, the president's approval rating is now hovering somewhere between long-covide and Uvaldi police departments. And making matters worse for him is a runaway inflation, right?

Especially when it comes to gas prices. The prices of gas are so high that these days, driving is the entire date. It's just like, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's just like, it's just like, it's just like, it's just like, it's just like, it's just like, it's just like, it's just like, it's just like, it's just like, is just like, is just like, is just like, is just like, is just like, is just like, is just like, is thi, is thoom, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th th th th th th th th th th too th th th th too th th th th th th thi. th thi. thi. th th to gas prices. The prices of gas are so high that these days driving is the entire date, you know? It's just like he really spoiled me last night. We drove all the way from my house to the end of the block. Ow. He's so romantic. But here's a thing, here's a thing. Until gas prices improve, neither will Joe Biden's approval rating, right? Which is why over the weekend, he was in Saudi Arabia, making nice with a frenemy who just happens to own a lot of oil. It was the fistbump scene around the world. The president with Saudi crown prince Mohammed bin Salman, the man the U.S. holds responsible

for the murder of journalist Jamal Koshoji. It's the image the Saudis had hoped for and the White House had hoped to avoid. Biden's doctors reportedly disallowed handshakes due to COVID, but conveniently also helped the president avoid a photo op of shaking the hand of the crown prince. He is at the fist pump, Mr. President. Why don't you guys talk about something magic. Yeah! Yeah! Stop asking him about the fist bump. Ask him about the looming recession.

No, actually, just ask me about the fist bump. Ask me about the fist bump. Ask me about the fist bump. America obsesses about these things. Don't look too friendly. Don't do it. It's also funny how President Biden thought it would be better to fist bu bu bu b b because that seems less friendly than a handshake. That's the whitest decision of all time.

No, because it's the opposite. Handshakes are the most formal way to meet someone. Even your enemy, you can be like, hello. But fist bums is always like, eh? What's up, what's up, killer? I see you, man. I see you, I see you, man. I see you, man. I see you, player. You know what I really think happened?

I think Joe Biden's team briefed him, and they were like, Mr. President, in Saudi Arabia, if you make them mad, and you have, they'll chop off your hands, so, you want to hide your fingers, get in, quick, in and out. God speed, Mr. President. You know what Biden should have done, if he didn't want any controversy in this? Is he should have gone in for the handshake and then given him the psych?

Just do that move. There's no comeback for that. Devastating. If he did that, MBS would have been like, oh, just take all the oil and go, don't tell my friends. And okay, if you're wondering why this situation, this situation, this situation, this situation, this situation, this situation, this situation, this situation, this situation, this situation, this situation, this situation, this situation, this situation, thiiiii, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, thi, to to to to to to to to to to to to too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too,. And, okay, if you're wondering why this situation is so awkward, right? Oh, who cares? He fist bumped him, he met him, why is it so bad? It's because back during the presidential campaign, Biden was saying things like this.

Koshoggi was in fact murdered and dismembered, and I believe in the order of the Crown Prince. There's very little social redeeming value in the present government in Saudi Arabia. We were going to in fact make them pay the price and make them in fact the pariah that they are. Awkward. Yeah, because how do you go from that to flying across the world to meet the guy in his palace?

Biden must have been a little nervous. You know, you meet the guy and you've said all these things about him, call him a murderer, call him, and now you're in his palace? He's going to be walking in like, come on, you've watched Fox News. I just read the teleprompter, man. I don't even know where I am most of the time. That wasn't me. And unfortunately for President Biden, the bad got back to the US, he had to deal with another all-powerful dictator, Joe Manchin, West Virginia Democrat, and somehow the real president of the United States. Because you see, Biden has spent the last two years trying to get Joe Manchin to vote for

his build-back better bill. But Manchin has spent the last two years saying no. He's been giving a variety of answers. You know, I don't want to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to toe toe o' toe o' toeoeoeoeoeuileuile ma their theirfiii, theirfi, their theirfi, theirfe, theirfixeiliole, their theirfixe. theirfewiole, theirfewiolk, their, theirfewiiolk, theirfewiiolk, theirfewiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. And, the the the the the the the the the the the the theymememefi, theymea, theymea, theymea, theymea, theirn, theirn, thiolk, thioliolioliolk, theirm.. Ande, theirme, theirme.auioliolvv, you know, I don't want to risk inflation, I don't want to end offshore drilling, I'm a Gemini and Mercury's in retrograde, now it's not a good time to make big decisions. So after a lot of back and forth, Manchin said, look, I'll do a much smaller bill that only has some health insurance expansions and the climate change stuff, and then like you can raise taxes on corporations to pay for their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, and, and, their, their, and, their, their, and, their, and then, their, thoom, thoom, and then, and then, thoome, thr-mene, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, they..... I, they.. I, they. I, they. I, they. I, they. I, they. I. I'm, they. I'm, they. the. the. thee, theree. I'm, thr-a, thr-a, thea, thr-muuania, thr-muania, thr-mu. I'm not, thr for it. So, Democrats took out everything Manchin didn't want and came back last week with a bill that only has what he asked for, to which Joe Manson said, Oh.

More now from Capitol Hill, where Democrats are extremely upset with Senator Joe Manchin, after he effectively torpedoed their hopes of acting on climate change. It comes after Manchin told Democratic leadership, he is not willing to back major climate and tax provisions in President Biden's agenda. Senator Bernie Sanders was especially upset over the weekend, suggesting Mansion never negotiated in good faith in the first place. People like Manchin cinema to a lesser degree who are intentionally sabotaging the president's agenda,

what the American people want, what a majority of us in the Democratic caucus want. Nothing new about this. Yep, Bernie's pissed off. I haven't seen him this pissed in someone try to give him 1% milk. I stand with the 99% that's been excluded from the dairy aisle for far too long. No more with the 1%. And I get it.

I get why Democrats are frustrated with Joe Manchin because he's on your team. He's wearing your jersey. But every time he gets the ball, he dunks on you. But if Joe Manchin doesn't believe in these policies, the least he could do is just say-so up front, instead of wasting everybody's time and jerking the Democrats around for a year, pretending there was something they could do to in him over. You know what this reminds me of? This reminds me of the time,

I tried to take a girl to the prom, right? And she was like, well, Well, first you have to buy me flowers, then you have to rent a limo, then we have to go somewhere nice for dinner. And I did all of that, and then the night of the prom came and she was like, I don't think that as your history teacher, this is appropriate for me to go with the prom with you. Why am I going to...why don't you say that at? Come on, it. She was a very interesting person. All right, finally, some news from the world of automobiles,

transformers that never went through puberty. Every year, car companies compete to see who can offer the most exciting new options. You know, like voice-activated controls, or augmented reality reality windshields or trunks that have got a lot more junk. Yeah, you're looking good sedan, I see you. But the latest innovation isn't a new feature. No, it's a new way to pay for what you get. A new kind of subscription could be making its way to your bank statements.

BMW says that it will start charging a monthly fee for heated seats. It costs about $12 a month and would allow the car maker to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the to the car the car to the car the car to to the car to the car to to to to to their their their their their their tha the. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. thi. th. thi. the. th. thi the your bank statements. BMW says that it will start charging a monthly fee for heated seats. It costs about $12 a month and would allow the car maker to activate the heating coils already built into the seats. You can purchase the heated seats when you buy the car. But for those who didn't, you can at least temporarily try them out on a cold day with the subscription. They're also considering a subscription service for heated steering wheels. Hmm. It's interesting.

BMW is going to let people subscribe for certain features in the car, like heated seats. Yeah, so instead of just buying it, you pay month to month. Which I'll be honest, actually sounds great because I don't need heated seats in the summer. So why am I paying? They should do this for every feature. The radio, the windshield wipers. Yeah, the horn. I don't, I I I I I I I I I I the I don't the I don't the I don't the I don't the the the the the the the the the the. I don do this for every feature. The radio, the windshield wipers. Yeah, the horn. I don't need the horn all the time. I want to subscribe to the horn if I get cut off. This mother, yo, give me three, give me three. Give me three. Give me three. Give me three.

Light his ass up. But there's a downside. You realize there's a downside to this, right. Car their their their this. Car. Car. Car. their. their. tha. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. their. their. thi. their. their. thoomome. their. their is a downside. their is a downside. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. I I I I I I. their. I. I. I is a downside. I is a downside. their. their. I is a downside. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. I the. I the. I thea. I the. I th. I the. I'm th. I'm th. I the. I'm the. I the. I the. I their. downside to this, right? Car manufacturers are joining the subscription model, and we know how this goes. First you buy things, then they go, oh, now you subscribe. And then how does it end? It always ends with ads, always. It's only a matter of time before you buy a BMW, and then you're gonna have to like, listen to a mattress ad every time you start the car.

Are you looking for a new mattress? Ah! Stab, stab, stab, stab! Stab. So look, if car manufacturer is one subscription plans, that's fine. You know, pay for the parts of the car that you only want when you use them. I think that actually works. Although, you better be warned. If you forget to renew the wrong subscriptions,

well, that shit could end in tears. Oh, oh, oh, oh, shit, I knew I should have renewed the break subscription! Oh, all right, you got me, BMW. One more month, one more month of breaks, please. Wait, wait, 799 for one month and then 50 for a year. Is that cheaper? Is that? What is that?

Seven times 12. That equals equals? That equals? That equals? That equals? That equals? That that? What is that? That's 7 times 12. That equals is going to be. Oh! Oh, 7 times, no, it's cheaper no, no, no, no. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I made it.

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It's the reason parents are also throwing tantrums in grocery stores right now. For the past year or so, the price of everything we buy has been skyrocketing, right? Because as companies face higher costs to make their products, they have to pass those costs onto the consumers. And I know what you're thinking right now, you're like, Trevor, can't they keep their prices the same and make a slightly smaller profit? Ha ha ha ha. You're adorable, less profit. But it turns out some companies are not raising their prices. And it's not because they're angels, it's because they've found a much sneakyer way to make the same profit as before.

From the rising cost of inflation to the growing trend of shrinkflation. The next time you're shopping, check closely. This life cereal box recently got taller, but it lost two and a half ounces. That's almost a bowl and a half of cereal. Experts call it shrinkflation. It's a very sneaky way to pass on a price increase. They know consumers will notice a direct price increase, but they won't notice if the product gets a little bit smaller. We found some products, you see the Charmin here. If you look really, really closely, you'll see the size of the rolls went from 396, 396 sheets to 366 sheets. You wouldn't know it, it says

super mega on top. And here's my favorite gatorade. It kind of grew a waistline here. It used to be 32 ounces. Now it's 28 ounces, but it is the the the the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same th. You see. You see th. You see the same th. You see. You see. You see. You see. You see. You see. You see th. You see the the th. You the th. You th. You. You th. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. the same. the same. the. Now it's 28 ounces, but it is the same height. You can see it there. Yeah, she's right. That gatorade bottle's looking good. You're like, damn, what you've been doing, Gatorade? You stop drinking gatorade? But yes, from soda to cereal and even to toilet paper, companies are secretly shrinking the size of their products. th. th, but th, but th, but th, but th. But, but th. But, but th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th th th th th th the, the, the, the, the, the the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same the same th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thetoilet paper, companies are secretly shrinking the size of their products, but you pay the same. And you probably noticed this, right? Back in the day you bought a big bag of chips. Everyone ate.

These days you open the bag and there's just one chip holding the sides to make it look big. And the worst part about shrinkation is that if you complain about it, you sound crazy, right? If you're like, guys, I think these double stuffed Oreos are actually 1.7 times stuffed. People are just going to be like, all right, buddy, why don't you put on this jacket and get in this white van? We got you. We're going to find the rest of your Oreos. The toilet paper one is probably the worst. Yeah, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, the, the, the, I, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the how many sheets are in a roll. Yeah, I do it automatically when I'm sitting there. I'll be like 394, 395, and then it's just like, ah! In fact, you know what, this should be a law.

If companies are going to shrink their products, they should at least have to tell us they're doing it. Yeah, because right now, they're being slick. Acting like drug dealers, cutting their product to stretch their supply. Now we've got to try to catch them out. Wait a minute, this yogurt is mostly burp-poop. You trying to get killed, Trader Joe? You're trying to get killed? But let's move on from America's current problem to America's eternal problem.

this week, Texas released its report on how the Uveldi Police Department handled the school shooting that happened there. And the report concluded that the cops, and I'm quoting here, sucked ass. But the report added that even if the police response had been flawless, it wouldn't have saved most of the kids because someone armed with an AR-15 style rifle can just do too much damage too fast. So the solution to try and stop the next shooting is obvious. And no, don't say th say it th say it th say it th say it th say it's th say it's the the thay the the the thay the thay the the thi the the the thioleteenterms their thioleteaun't say it's the their their their the solution to try and stop the next shooting is obvious. And no, don't say it's banning the A.R. 15s, that's racist. The Constitution is very clear about who has rights in this country. It goes, corporations, guns, children, then guns again, then the national anthem, then women,

but only women who are holding a gun. That's pretty much it. But apparently, apparently, if you're open-minded, there are lots of ways to stop school shootings without getting rid of guns. In fact, check out what this one school district in Texas is getting up to. Here in North Texas, the Dallas ISD,

is trying something new to keep students safe. It is requiring clear or mesh backpacks for students in 6th through 12th grades. Students will be able to carry a small pouch inside the bag that isn't clear to hold cell phones, money and hygiene products. Clear backpacks. Are they effective in keeping weapons out of schools? Experts say crime does not necessarily go down because of them. Well intended, relatively ineffective. You can still hide a weapon inside of a clear

backpack, inside of a book, a cutout in a book, inside of clothing. This video shows how easy it is to hide weapons, regardless of having a clear backpack or not. God damn! How many guns of that guy having his pants? Did you see that? Because it starts it scary, and then at some point it was just like a magic trick. It was like, oh, and this one, and this one, and this one, and this one, and this one, and this one, and this behind you here in 1815. But for real, what, what, what are we doing here, people? I'm constantly amazed at how America is willing to get rid of everything, Everything you see through now. Also, you know what? No more clothes for these kids, yeah, yeah. They could be hiding the guns anywhere. In fact, now that I think about it, just get rid of all the kids in school.

That way the guns can finally go there in peace. I think we solved it. And you know who's really going to be negatively affected by these clear back. Back tho tho tho' th th th th tho's tho's tho's tho's tho's tho's that's their that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, thi, just thi, that, that, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' their their their their their thin' thin'n, just, just just just, just just just, Chad. Like, are you carrying out a Shakespeare in your backpack? No, dude, it's just to cover my boners, man, I swear. Dost out not believe it's me? And clearly those things are not going to stop shootings. There's only one thing that is going to stop shootings. And we all know what it is. Just cut to the chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase chase. It is just th. It is th. It is they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they're to stop shootings. And we all know what it is. Just cut to the chase and arrest all the weird kids. Yeah, it's not fair, and it's definitely not legal. It's not a good idea. But it is a good idea.

All right, finally, let's talk about the United States Secret Service. The people who wore one tiny air phone before Airpars were cool. Recently, the Secret Service has been all over the news because the January 6th Committee wants to know what information they have about President Trump's actions on the day his fans went tailgating in Nancy Pelosi's office. So the Committee told the Secret Service, give us all the text messages

that you guys were sending that day. But the Secret Service says it cannot recover the deleted text messages from January 5th and 6th of last year. The Washington Post is reporting the agency has no new text to provide to Congress and that any other messages exchanged between agents around the time of the attack were purged. The Secret Service claims these messages were erased as part of a device replacement program, adding any insinuation that the Secret Service maliciously deleted texts following a request is false. Those Secret Service texts are gone, gone, gone. Gone. Like really, not ever

to be recovered. Wow. This is so sad. The Secret Service lost all the texts from January 6th because they were doing a device replacement program. What a perfect, I mean terrible thing. Oh. Why do I feel like this is the same kind of device replacement program you do when your partner asks you to explain where you were the other night? Yeah I was I was due for upgrade because of what me and Keisha were up to so I had to, yeah Apple call me me me th the th to the to the to the to to the to the to to the to to the the to to to to the to the to their to to to their to their to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their the the th. Because they they they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were they were their their they their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to to to to to to to to to te. te. te. te. te. te. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. their they were the other night. Yeah, I was I was due for upgrade because of what what me and Keisha were up to so I had to yeah Apple calm me and yeah. And you know it's interesting how they're saying once you delete a text there's no way to retrieve it. Yeah once they delete a text it's gone. Because best believe if any of us lost a text the Secret Service would find it. They would find the shit out of it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because the the the the the their their their they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th. Because th. Because best they they th. Because best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best be their their their their their their their their their their their their. Because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd they'd their they'd their their their their their their their best best best best best best best be best best be best best best be the Secret Service would find it. They would find the shit out of it.

You'd be like, oh, I deleted it. They'd be like, give me that phone. They'd be like, ha, so this is what you were doing with Kisha. Ah, shit. And look, I know many people are angry, saying like, I can't believe the Secret Service isn't isn't handing over these texts. But I don't know, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe it's because I'm South African, I just assumed this would happen. Yeah, that's the Secret Service. That's their job, right?

To keep secrets. In fact, if they give you the text, you should fire them, Snitch. The real question we should be asking is, why are they even texting? Imagine this, the capital was being overrun by a mob of Facebook comments come to life. People are trying to hang the vice president and the secret service is texting? Guys, what is this thing for? Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah, hey, pay, hey, pay, hey, what? Are you back, hey, hey, hey,

you're telling me all that shit was happening, and someone's using tech. They're like, hey guys, just wanted to warn to warn to warn to warn to warn to warn to warn to warn you, the vice president is in Asia. Ah, sorry, auto-correct, I meant danger. The vice president is in danger. Send back, never mind, the problem solved itself. And I know a lot of people think that this was a huge conspiracy, I do. People say that this is proof that the Secret Service was in on the Capitol plot. But it could also be a much simpler answer. Maybe they just don't want people to see people to see people to see people to see people to see people to see people to see to see the to see the the to see the to see the the the to see the the the the to seethey just don't want people to see the texts that they were sending about their

boss. Yeah. Like, I know I wouldn't want that. Can you imagine being at the congressional hearing? And Liz Cheney's like, so agent Johnson, what did you mean when you texted? President poop emoji is baby crying. I'd rather go to jail, ma'am. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

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invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let zip recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the hayst. the hay stack the hay stack the hay stack the hay stack the hay stack the hay stack the hay stack. the hay stack. the hay the hay the hay the hay. th. the hi. th. to to tape. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to, to, to, to, t. t. t. t. t. t. te. te. te. te.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e. te.e.e.e.e. te. te. te. te. t. the other hiring sites and let Zip Recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address. Zip Recruiter.com slash zip. Zip Recruiter the smartest way to hire. Big news coming out of Washington, D.C. Now, everyone is still shell-shocked by the Supreme Court's recent decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. And although this made conservatives happy because they finally made government small enough to fit inside a woman's vagina, everyone else was pretty furious. And people weren't just angry at the Supreme Court.

No, they were pissed at Democrats because they didn't codify Roe v. Wade. And I don't know about you, but I haven't said codify this much in my entire life. We just say it like it's normal. Do they codify? You didn't codify it. They should have caught up. Did you codify your Starbucks order? I did. Well, it turns out, that same Supreme Court ruling that struck down Roe v. Wade, it also opened the door to future rulings that could overturn other rights, all of the right to

gay marriage, interracial marriage, and contraception, all of which are based on the right to privacy, just like Rovay Wade. Which is why now Democrats are trying to learn their lesson and protect those rights before Clarence Thomas gets to them. A historic moment on LGBTQ rights. The bill has passed. Nearly 50 House Republicans joined all Democrats to write same sex and interracial marriage into federal law. The vote comes amid growing concerns that a conservative Supreme Court could nullify marriage equality. Still 157 Republicans voted

against the respect for marriage act. Democrats believe that the government has no place between you and the person you love. The House has officially passed a bill legalizing gay and interracial marriage, which is a great victory for 1995. Because, let's be honest, it's really strange to be diving back into this debate that we thought was resolved in 2015. That's weird that they're like, we're doing it now. What do you mean now? What's next? I'm going to start arguing about that dress again? Is that what we're doing? Because it's over, guys, it's over? We decided a long time ago, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be th, it's th, it's th, it's to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be thi, thi, thi, thi, thri, throoooooooooooooooooooooo, thi, thi, tooooo, thi, thi, it's over, guys. It's over. We decided a long time ago, it's blue and black, all right? And anyone who thinks it's white and gold is a Nazi, yeah, I said it. I'm going to see those colors, nothing in there.

Also, it's even weirded that 157 Republicans voted against this bill. You voted against, you voted against, so you marriage? Like, look, I know mixed couples have ruined your lives for the past few years, but I think it's time to let that go. I mean, I don't even know what the argument is against gay marriage. What's the argument? You know, when it became legal in 2015,

conservatives all said, oh, America's gonna fall apart when this happens. And yeah, it kind of did, but that's not because tha gaa because tha because tha because tha tha tha tha tha tha thia thia, thia, thia, thia, thia, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. ti. this happens. And yeah, it kind of did, but that's not because of gay marriage. So the bill passed in the house, okay? But there's a chance it might never even reach the Senate. Because according to one top Democratic senator, the Senate has, quote, more priorities than we have time. And I never understand that. What would, you don't have time? How I never understand that. You don't have time? How long does it take? Oh?

Should gay marriage be legal? Yes, boom, voted. Done. That was like what? Three seconds maybe? I can do another one. Look how much time I have. Should interracial marriage be legal?

Boom, bam, yes, there we go. Should interracial marriage be mandatory? This one's a little bit harder, but I'm gonna say, yeah, let's do it. All the babies will be super cute, done. You see that? Three votes, we're in. We don't have the time. And speaking of Democrats, having messed up priorities. You know how there are all these Republican candidates running for office right now,

who believe that the election was stolen from Trump by Italian space aliens hacking the voting machines? Well some of those megaheads are starting to win their nominations and you'll never guess who's helping them out. Another election denier has just secured the Republican primary for governor in Maryland. Trump-backed candidate Dan Cox, known for stoking election fraud fears, and actually encouraging former President Trump to seize voting machines will face off against the Democratic nominee there in November.

In an apparent effort to meddle with the Maryland race, the Democratic Governor's Association paid for this ad, touting Dan Cox, a pro-Trump candidate. This isn't the first time a party has worked to choose its own opponent. And Maryland isn't the only state where Democrats have done it this year. They succeeded in boosting Trump-aligned Doug Mastriano in Pennsylvania, and Darren Bailey in Illinois. They are attempting it in Arizona right now with Kerry Lake.

They tried unsuccessfully to do it in Colorado by giving an assist to 220 election deniers. Yeah, believe it or not, Democrats are actually helping these extreme candidates win the nomination because they're assuming that they're too crazy to win the general election. Yes, it's a plan that has never backfired in the history of America for the last five years. Yeah, I can't see how that could go wrong. And look, on the one hand, I get it, I get it, right, right, right, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th. th, th, th, th, th, the, believe, the, believe, the, believe, believe, the the th, believe, believe, th, believe, th, thi, believe, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thr-a, thr-a. throoooooooooooooooooo. to thr-a. thr-a. thr-a. B. Yeah, thr-a, th last five years. Yeah, I can't see how that could go wrong. And look, on the one hand, I get it. I get it, right? It's the classic, get some ass by standing to the ugliest person at the bar strategy.

I understand that. But this strategy assumes that Democrats will run a competeen a barown against these people. That's a race properly. This is the only people who try to shoot fish in a barrel and somehow end up with the fish shooting them. Ah, Nemo got the gun! I thought I had it, but Nemo got the gun! Not to mention, the stakes are so high.

Think about if this it backfires, what happens? Because right now, there's Democrats out there saying, if this maniac gets into office, it'll spell the end of democracy as we know it. But on the other hand, running against them gives me a four-point boost in the poll, so let's roll the dice, baby, let's do it. Democrats forget. Not everyone pays attention to politics. All right. Not everyone is super-in-a. the, not. the, the, the, the, the, th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their, the thi. thi. their, their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. It'll th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. theeananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananan. It'll will will thi. It'll th politics. Not everyone is super informed about who the candidates are. You might be like, oh they're crazy, everyone will see it. No, a lot of people, they just show up and they vote. They'll be like, okay, yeah, Republican, Democrat, that's all they vote. Well, this let's move on from the potential downfall of democracy to a more light-hearted story about Sesame Street. They're racist.

Or at least, that's what they're being accused of after a video at their theme park went viral. Sesame Street, a place of inclusion and learning for generations of kids. But Sesame Place, the theme park based on characters from the iconic children's TV show, is issuing an apology this morning after backlash from this video, showing two young black girls seemingly snubbed by a performer dressed as Rosita at the Sesame Place theme park near Philadelphia. Sesame Place initially released a statement saying that the costumes characters wear sometimes make it difficult for them to see, adding

the Rosita performer did not intentionally ignore the girls and is devastated about the misunderstanding. But that statement wasn't good enough for many on social media who expressed outrage. Now other parents are sharing their own videos that they say show similar instances of their children being treated rudely compared to others, all seeming to show similar bias by characters at the park. As a result, Sesame Place has issued a second statement saying that they are committed to making this right,

adding they will conduct training for our employees so they better understand, recognize, and deliver an inclusive, equitable, and entertaining experience for our guests. This is some bullshit. These little girls are getting snubbed by Rosita. She's not even a top 10 Muppet. Yeah, like if Elmo or Big Bird snubs you, then yeah, I get it. I get it, they're big time. But Rosita? It's like getting snubbed by Hawkeye. My man, you should be honored to take a selfie with me, you Robin Hood-ass, mother-fixie.

And Rosita gonna ditch those kids. And just as an aside though, back and appreciate how ironic this outrage is? Because basically what people are saying is, why won't this total stranger touch my kids? They touch the other kids, touch my kids! Guy in a furry suit that I don't know, touch my children! You know what got me here is this, Sesame Place's explanation for this whole thing was weird because their excuse was that it wasn't racism. It's just that the costumes make it hard to see at lower levels. But that's where the kids are. Why would you design a costume for kids that can't see most kids? These guys are like, look, we're more than happy to give hugs to any children who are LeBron's height or taller, okay?

I mean, if you can't see at lower levels, what happens with the employees in the parks? Like, they must be so confused. Every day they're just going out, they're like, damn, no kids again? Just a bunch of adult weirdos, all by themselves. here. There's also a disconnect between the thing Sesame Place is saying because if this was just an innocent misunderstanding then why is Sesame Place going to add bias training? Because either it was a mistake or it was racism. Copy both. It feels like now that's what companies do. They just go like, oh we're gonna do bias training. That's what they say just to get people off their backs. Yeah we're gonna do bias training. We're gonna do bia. the bias the bias, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their try. try. their try. te. te. te. te. te. S. S. S. S. S. S. Sess. Sess. Sess, tease tease ss. Sess, trys, trys, thaease thaease Yeah, we're going to do bias training. We're going to read some ton of hussycoats again. We got this. Fine. Because what are they teaching them in the bias training? What is the bias training? Hey, so, um, so you see the black kids? Yeah,

that's all you have to do, see the black kids. President Biden has had a rough time recently. He couldn't, to to to to thapapapapapapapapap. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. their thi. their thi. their their thi. their their their their the bian the bia the bias the bias the bias the bias the bias the bias the bias the bias the bias the bias the bias the bias the bias the bias the bias the bias the bias. the bias. the bias. the b. the b. the b. the b. the b. the b. their their their their their their thi. thi. thi. thi. thea. thea. train. train. train. teease train. train. So, tease tease tease train. thea. thea. So, thease thi. He couldn't get climate change action. He couldn't get free community college. He couldn't get tax hikes on the rich. But it turns out there's one thing he could get. We began this hour with breaking news from the White House, where President Joe Biden is in isolation after he tested positive for COVID. The White House press secretary saying that the president is fully vaccinated. He's been twice twixxxxxxxxxxxxxxxeeeeeeeeeeeeeee thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi thi. thi. thi. thi. He thi. He thi thi thi th. He th. He th. He th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to ta to ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta press secretary saying that the president is fully vaccinated. He's been twice boosted. He's experiencing what they say are very mild symptoms at this point. So he will be isolating but he will be able to

continue in his role. He won't need to turn over any duties. It appears to the vice president at this point. Hey folks, guess you heard. This morning I tested positive positive. Sympters are COVID. But I've been double vaccinated, double boosted, symptoms are mild, and I really appreciate your inquiry and your concerns. But I'm doing well, I'm getting a lot of work done, I'm going to continue to get it done. And in the meantime, thanks for your concern and keep the faith. It's going to be okay. Okay, first things first. I'm sure all of our thoughts are with President Biden for a speedy recovery. Get well soon, sir. You made it through the Spanish flu.

You can make it through this. I know you can do it. And also, it does look like he's gonna be fine, right? He's even got like swag in that video. Hey, aha. You probably heard I got COVID. But I. But I get why he's got swag. You know, he's been vaxed, he's been boosted, he's been double-boasted,

and he's taking antiviral drugs, and just to be safe, he's sipping some bleach on the side, you know? Yeah, that shit seems ridiculous. So you get COVID, you're like, is going to be fine is because, let's be honest, there's not much the COVID can do to him. Yeah, think about it. What's going to happen? The virus is going to get in his body and be like, let's see what I can do here. Time to get some brain fog, some fatigue, some dizzy, wait, wait, have I already been here? What's going to be taking any sick days, which is what sucks about being president, right? You still got to put on a strong face. Any other job, you'd be milking that shit, you know?

Oh, COVID really got me. Ah, ha ha ha. I think I'm going to be sick for the rest of the summer. If you see pictures of me by the pool, oh my phone, oh, my phone, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the th. the th. th. the the th. th. the the th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, th. thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to the big news that's coming out of the United Kingdom. The Queen has COVID. No, I'm joking, I'm joking. That would be crazy, though, right? That would be crazy. No, I'm joking.

She doesn't have COVID. She's been dead for years. Anyway, back in 2019, Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his conservative party, they won a landslide election victory. It was huge. They won everywhere in Southern England and Manchester, in Sherlock Upon Watson and East Narnia, all the places. Basically, between Boris and Ed Shearin, 2019 was a good year, especially for British people who looked like they're from the year 1326. It was a good time. And it was such a commanding victory that people thought Boris Johnson might become the prime minister who was up there for a decade, you know,

which would be amazing for Britain's first human broom. But then, Boris started getting caught up in scandals. He botched the COVID response. Then he got caught throwing a bunch of parties while the rest of Britain had the Britain the Britain the Britain the Britain the Britain the the the of Britain had to be in lockdown, and then he hired people who he knew were alleged sex offenders. And of course, there was that time when he showed up to Parliament wearing a t-shirt that said the carpet matches the drapes, which was totally inappropriate because it doesn't. He combs the carpet.

So finally, last month, he was forced to resign in disgrace. And yesterday he gave the greatest farewell speech of all time. Boris Johnson, facing Parliament for one last time as British Prime Minister as only he would. Johnson defended his record and his farewell remarks. He also gave some words of advice to his successor. Number one, stay close to the Americans, stick up for the Ukrainians, stick up for freedom and democracy everywhere. Cut taxes and deregulate wherever you can to make this the greatest place to live and invest which it is. Focus

on the road ahead, but always remember to check the rearview mirror and remember a bubble. It's not Twitter that counts. It's the people that sent us here. Mr. Speaker, I want to thank everybody here and... Has It's the people that sent us here, Mr. Speaker. I want to thank everybody here and... Hastelavista, baby, thank you. Haastelavista, baby. This is the land of Shakespeare. And Jane Austen, and the quote Boris chose was from the Terminator? I mean I guess that shows you the power of American culture.

Even the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is like, farewell and Godspeed are a car. The most ridiculous thing ever. And I don't know if you saw, like the speech was weird, the whole thing. In the middle, it looked like he just started giving random advice about driving. Focus on the road ahead. Always check the rearview mirror. And remember, it's not a hit and run if you drive away slowly. All right? You know, it's also like, normally when you're giving a speech,

especially about resigning or being fired. Surely you want the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, like the, like the, like the, like the, like the, like the, like the, like, like, theateateateate, the, theateateate, the, the, the, the, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the is the is the is the is the is the is the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th you're giving a speech, especially about resigning or being fired, like, surely you want to make people regret it. Like, when you give the speech, you want people to go like, oh, man, have we made the wrong choice? They're leaving. Like, remember with Obama, right, when he gave his farewell speech, even racists in America were like, maybe he was one of the good ones. But this guy, this guy gives gives gives the speech the speech the speech the speech the speech g gives gives gives gives gives gives gives gives gives gives gives gives the speech the speech the speech the speech the speech the speech the speech their s g gives thease thease thease thease thease thease thease the, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to me, to me, toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. the. the. the. the. the. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. to, ones. But this guy, this guy gives a speech, he's like, yo, how did he get the job? Like, did he win a content or something? Who is expressive?

Anyway, let's move on to some news about America's most powerful institution, Amazon. And I know, I know from the get-go, people have mixed feelings about Amazon. Oh, they exploit their workers. Oh, they ruin local economies. Quit bitching. I love them. You know why? If I need more shaman, I get it on Amazon, and boom!

It's at my house in six hours. And yeah, maybe it's not exactly shaman. Maybe it's like a Chinese knockoff, and maybe the toilet paper is mostly is is is is is is is is is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is made out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out thoing is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly thi thi thi thi thi thiahing is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly is mostly the thiahahahahahahahahahing is mostly their their I going to get brain poisoning from wiping with lead? No. And I certainly am not going to get brain poisoning from wiping with lead. Anyway, the fact is, Amazon is a parts of life in America. And I'm not going to get brain poisoning from wiping with lead. And now, Amazon is going to be expanding even more.

We have breaking news out of Seattle this morning, home to Amazon. The company announcing it is diving further into the health care industry with plans to buy health care provider one medical for about $3.9 billion. Amazon says health care is high on its list of things that needs reinventing. Yeah, finally a win for Jeff Bezos! Oh, man! I could not be more excited. Yeah, because with Amazon's prediction algorithm, health care will never be the same. You know, you notice how they always know what you want, what

you need before you even know it. Imagine them with health care. You're gonna buy a pack of double-A batteries and then just before you check out, they'll be like, you might also need chemotherapy. I don't have... Ah shit! Shouldn't have used that lead toilet paper. Now, now, I know some people are a little uncomfortable with the idea of Amazon getting into every industry, you know, because they're buying medicine now.

They run the cloud. They own the idea of Amazon getting into every industry. You know, because they're buying medicine now. They run the cloud. They own TV studios. They have grocery stores. And you know what? So what? So what? So, you know? So, you know, so what? So, what? What? What? the worst? toobey. toobey. the worst?

Th-Wa? Peeing bottles? That doesn't, working crazy hours in the warehouse, you know, peeing in bottles. That doesn't sound so bad, yeah? At least I'll know where my packages are. I'll take it for myself. The one thing that does suck about this is if Amazon also owns your medicine, you realize that means Alexa knows your medical secrets. You've got to watch out for that. Yeah, because you're going to be hanging out at home with your friends. All of a sudden, Alexa will be like, your hemorrhoid cream is arriving this afternoon. No, Alexa, cancel, cancel. You would like me to cancel your giant tub of hemorrhoid cream? No, no, no, cancel!

Before we go, please consider supporting Keene. This is an organization providing free fitness and friendship. This is an organization providing freeness, to the thi. to, to, to, them offer equal opportunities for recreation, fitness and friendship, then please donate at the link below. Watch the Daily Show, weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.