The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories - Facebook Bans QAnon, Melania Trump Hates Christmas & Pence-Harris Debate

Episode Date: October 10, 2020

Facebook removes QAnon accounts, Jaboukie Young-White reacts to Melania Trump's anti-Christmas rant, and Mike Pence and Kamala Harris face off in a vice presidential debate. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. The virus has been spreading faster than an HBO password on a college campus. This morning the COVID outbreak spreading through the White House has reached the Pentagon.

And now almost the entire Joint Chiefs of Staff, including the military's most senior general, Mark Millie and other top officers are in quarantine after being exposed to the Coast Guard's number two officer, Admiral Charles Ray. This is the number of people testing positive who have been near the president or at the White House in recent days spike to 24. The latest name, senior advisor Stephen Miller, who was part of a debate prep session with the president last week. As President Trump continues to downplay the severity of the virus, the White House has become a hotbed of infection, his military aid who carries the so-called nuclear football,

a presidential valet who serves his meals, plus two more staffers in the press office also testing positive. Yes, the nation's top generals and the guy who carries the nuclear football are all quarantining now. And you might think that this is the perfect opportunity to invade to invade to invade to invade to invade the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the who carries the nuclear football are all quarantining now. And you might think that this is the perfect opportunity to invade America because the Pentagon is going to have to coordinate America's defense over Zoom, but actually, given how infectious America is right now, good luck convincing your soldiers to attack. Sergei, now is perfect time. Go and occupy the White House. No, why don't you occupy White house? Well, why don't you, yeah, maybe you'll go. the, the White. the White, the White, the, you, the, you, you, the, you, you, you, you, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, the, because, the, because, because, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, soa, soa, soa, soa, soa, soa, soa, soa, soa, soa, soa, soa, the Pa, soa, soa, the.a, the the the White House. No, why don't you occupy White House? No, you go Occupy White House.

Yeah, well, maybe you go. No, Sergei, you go. Basically right now, America's that free mattress that you find on the curb. You could take it, but you know it's infested with something. And guys, I know that a lot of people are gonna make fun of Stephen Miller for getting coronavirus, but please, we should all be concerned for him. Because with a forehead that big, can you imagine if he gets a fever? That's just gonna affect climate change all by itself.

Not to mention, Stephen Miller is at much higher risk because COVID is harder on people over 60. He's 35? Are you shitting me? You know who I really feel bad for? Jared Fushner. Because think about it, the guy already has like 50 jobs, and now everyone else has to quarantine. He's gonna have to pick up all the slack. Jared, I'm gonna need you to run the military, be my press secretary,

and hold on to the nuclear football. But I've never held a football. You gotta appreciate the irony, though, right? The president who spent years blaming Mexicans for bringing over disease has personally turned the White House into a Petri dish. We've been talking about nothing but Corona all week. And there is other stuff happening. In fact, there's some pretty big news today from the world of tech. A blockbuster report by House lawmakers calling on Congress to break up Big Tech after a 16-month investigation into Apple, Amazon, Google, and Facebook, the Democratic-led Judiciary Committee

says the Big Four All Hold or Abuse Monopoly power and need to be reigned in. The 450-page report compares the industry giants to the likes of oil barons and railroad tycoons. That panel is now proposing the biggest overhaul of antitrust laws in decades. That's right. A major house investigation is recommending that the big tech companies have become powerful monopolies and so they should be broken up. And that means Amazon could be split off into one company that sells you the products

that you're trying to buy, and then another company that tricks you into buying weird knockoffs from countries that no longer exist. Apple could be separated into one company that sells you phones, and then another company that sells you a different charging cable every year for no reason. And then Google could be broken up into one company that gives you search results, and another company that just keeps guessing what you're about to type. How do you get rid of a rash on your crutch? Ew, no. Install a ceiling fan.

When you have a rash on your crutch? Now, I'm not going to front. On the one hand, this is almost so obvious that I can't believe it took a 16-month investigation to figure out. Of course, these big tech companies are monopolies. And breaking them up could be a good idea. I mean, if you break up Amazon, that is great news for bookstores in 1997. On the other hand, the only reason these companies have gotten so big is because people love using them. So, Congress might want to be careful about how far they take this thing.

Good news, everybody. We're breaking Amazon up. Okay, Congress. I guess. th. th. th. th. th, th, th th th th th th take this thing. Good news, everybody. We're breaking Amazon up. Okay, Congress. I guess y'all gonna be delivering my shampoo because I want prim for somebody. I don't care who it is. There's no question that the reputations of big tech companies have taken a hit in recent years. I mean, for instance, Facebook used to be the place

where you reconnect with old high school friends, and then block them when you discover that they're married. But then in the last few years, it's become the internet's top destination for people who believe the moon landing was faked to cover for the JFK assassination. And now it seems like Facebook has recognized what it's become, and they're finally taking steps to put an end to one of the biggest problems. Facebook says it is now removing all accounts associated with the right-wing conspiracy movement known as Q&N. Those accounts have become hubs for wild internet rumors and disinformation campaigns. Now it says it's removing all Q&N accounts on both Facebook and Instagram.

It's a serious blow to the Q&O-N-on internet conspiracy campaign that most Americans would say sounds completely crazy. That big-name Democrats, Hollywood Stars, and the mega-rich are actually child trafficking pentophiles who kill children in satanic rituals. Okay, okay, you know what? Good for Facebook for doing this. Although part of me is a little worried that it's too little too late. I mean, Facebook is like that bar that decides to hire a bouncer after its 123rd

stabbing. Because people, Q&N has become so widespread that basically every Facebook group right now is a Q&O group. Even your grandma's knitting group is like, today we're learning a new needlepoint pattern. Do you like it? Now, of course, for Q&on followers, this whole thing is just going to reinforce their tec is censoring them them their their, because their, because their, because their, because their, because their, because their, because, because, because, because their, because their, because their, because their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi. thi. thei. thea. thea. today, ttoday, thea, thea, thea, thea, their, theto reinforce their belief that big tech is censoring them because they're also in on the conspiracy, which is ridiculous. No one at Facebook is eating babies, okay? Because without babies, boom! That's 90% of Facebook posts gone. So look, I'm glad that Facebook is trying to shut down these groups. But to be honest, I'm skeptical that it's going to work. Because when it comes to monitoring content on their platform, they don't exactly have the best track record. Facebook apparently thinks this ad is too risque for its users.

Gaze speed company in Canada got this notification about its onions. According to Facebook, the placement of the vegetable was overtly sexual. Okay, what clearly happened here is that the algorithm that's supposed to detect sexy stuff got confused. Or who knows? Maybe it did it on purpose, in which case, who are we to shame it? Love who you love, algorithm. You don't let the people judge you.

But this is why you need an actual human involved in these decisions. Because no human would think an onion is sexy. Like, have you seen an onion? You know, it's just like it's round and it's firm and juicy and it's got all those layers that come off and, yeah, woof, did it just get hot in here? Oh, man, I need to get out of the house. And there are other changes coming to social media too. For example, Instagram.

You know, the app that you use for stalking your tinder dates. Well, if your feed has become a little toxic, here's something that might calm things down. Instagram says it will start hiding negative comments in posts. It's an effort to reduce bullying and harassment. After a user writes a potentially offensive comment, a warning will pop up before it's posted, saying this may go against our guidelines. Users will have to click the view hidden comments

button to see the negative comment. All right. That's what I'm talking about. Thank you, Instagram. This is a great step. I think everyone can agree. You don't want to go on Instagram and see hate-filled messages. I know I don't want that. I want to go on Instagram and see sexy onions,

butts, I mean, butts, not onions, not onions. I'm a normal man that likes butts. At the same time, I'm a little worried that hiding that that that them even more. Oh, you don't want to see this comment? This was such a great burn. We had to hide it. I mean, God damn! This was a sick burn. Don't look, don't look. It's too good. Like here's one of the problems with this policy. Can it pick up toen? Half the time, someone comments, thrown. I'm pretty sure that it's just a form of bullying. Oh my god. It was so brave of you to put that picture up of yourself.

What do you mean brave, dude? That was just like my face. Yeah, so brave. But you know what? As long as Instagram is gonna be cracking down, how about they find a way to punish those people who post a thousand stories at once. You've got all those little tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin' thin' thin' thi, thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thi. that's thi. that's thi. thi. thi. thi., I want to see how your day is going, not watch the Peter Jackson director's cut of your life. Highlights, people, highlights.

And finally, there's also a change coming to emoges. And this one is all about keeping up with the coronavirus. Something to leave you with a smile today. Apple is upgrading its mask-a-moge. This new masked the a smile. So the facial feature matches the smiley emoji. The old mask had just two slits for eyes. Apple has not commented on why it upgraded the design to the one that now has a little bit more cheerful disposition.

Yes, they now have an emoji for people who are happy to be wearing a mask. And what's also cool is that they have an emoji for people who protest masks because they love freedom. Now look, they say that this emoji is smiling, but it doesn't really look like it's smiling. We don't know if it's smiling, which I guess makes it really realistic. Because think about it. For the last few months we've been walking around with these masks. No one can tell what your expression actually is. Yeah, you're trying to smile with your eyes, but to the other person, some freaky shit is going on under there. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television.

Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. There's no denying that every single one of us is still reeling over the news that President Trump has COVID-19. I mean, one of the biggest places to see the panic is online.

So I figured let's get another perspective from someone who's an expert in online, Djibouki, young white. Djibouki, what's going on, Trevor, how's it going? What do you make of President Trump's diagnosis? I'm not going to lie, Trevor. I'm pissed. Like I understand that he's sick, but that's just how I feel. That's just how I feel. You know what, I hear you, Djibouki.

Many Americans are angry with the president because they feel like he was irresponsible with his health and with the health of the health of the th. And now he's not only endangering his own life, but threatening the operation of the entire federal government. No, dude, like, I mean, yeah, but no, like, I'm pissed because he is overshadowing the most important news story right now. Melania Trump hates Christmas. She hates Christmas. What?

I don't remember that. You don't remember? Of course you wouldn't remember it. You don't remember. It's because it was announced like two hours before it dropped that they both had COVID. So of course you don't remember. But she did. She said it. Look.

Turning now to secret audio tapes just released a first lady, Melania Trump. She apparently goes on a profanity-laced rant about Christmas decorations. They say I'm complicit. I'm the same like him. I support him. I don't say enough. No. It's where I am, I'm working like a ass.

I know. Criest stuff. Who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff that you know who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff and decoration but I need to do it right? Oh man I totally forgot that story that shit was crazy it turns out Melania hates putting up Christmas decorations at the White House. Yo it was the greatest new story of all time Trevor I love I love it so much I made made it my ringtode. Wait, listen.

Who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff and decoration? This makes not answering phone calls so much more fun. Like yesterday when you called me 11 time, Djibouki, that was for work. I know. But you know it's the worst part about this getting buried, Trevor? I had so many jokes about it. Like, now I understand why her holiday decorations look like she murdered Christmas. Also um, I know why Melania hates Santa because she already got an old, fat white man crawling into her room once a year.

That one needs a little work. Oh, this was gonna be, I had an act out plan too. It was gonna be like this. Why don't you ever give me what I want, Santa Trump? Other voice. The accent is not there yet, but I was gonna practice it.

Yeah, you know what, I hear you, Djibuki, but I feel like Melani I hate in Christmas as a story just, it doesn't, I th, I th, th, th, th and th and th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to to to to to to to me, to me, to to to to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be to be to be to be to be to be to be th, to be to to th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, throooooomoomoomorrow, thi, thooooomoomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, too, too, thi, thi, hear you, Djibouti, but I feel like Melani, I hate Christmas as a story, just it doesn't seem important right now. I know, Trevor, but it's just not fair. Like could you imagine if Michelle Obama had been caught saying that she hates Christmas? The Fox News building would have exploded with semen. But instead, it's them. The people who came after Starbucks because they didn't say Merry Christmas are now silent when their first lady said, fuck Christmas. You know what else?

I was going to start a new holiday. You know, not, Trevor, I was going to call it, Fck Christmas. It's when families got together and listened to the Melania, fcrisis tape and said, fuck Christmas, but now we can't fuck Christmas because Trump got COVID. Well, also because Melania is sick. Oh, right, right. Well, you know, I guess we don't want to be mean to Melania when she's sick. Feel better, Melania. We're rooting for you. Well, well, look, I mean, maybe the Trumps will get better soon and then everyone can go back to this story. You're just trying to make me feel better, Trevor. I see what you're doing. It's not going to work.

Feech Christmas is ruined. Now all that we have is regular Christmas. Who the fikes like Christmas? Who the fakes? Who the fakes? Oh, sorry. That's the Oh, I got a call now to takes up. Yeah, I'm going to have to not take this, so I got to go.

Is that cool? All right, talk you later. Peace, Trev, nice talking. Wait, why would you have to go if you're not going to... You know what, never mind. Bye only debate between the two people who will take over if the president falls in the shower. And it was a weird situation from the start because there is a real chance that Pence could have COVID-19 even though he's tested negative. And that fear wasn't helped when

Pence's eye through a gender reveal party. Pink! it's a girl! Blood pink, it's a girl. So to keep everyone safe, the debate commission decided to install plexiglass barriers on stage, which sounded good until we saw the barriers. And they were basically just the sneeze guards from sizzlers. I mean, seriously, who thought of a thin sheet of plexiglass being a good idea? Oh, this will stop the coronavirus virus, thiiii, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the, the, the, the, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thr-p, thr-s, thr-s, thr-s, thr-s, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, theeeeeeeeeeee, thr-a, thin sheet of plexigas being a good idea? Oh, this will stop the coronavirus?

Viruses can't go up, right? They don't go up. They just go like this. But once you got past the whole plague thing, the debate itself was actually pretty normal. Too calm, poised candidates exchanging lines that they had been practicing for weeks over the course of a largely uneventful 90 minutes. You know it felt like it was, it's kind of like a throwback to what campaigns used to be like, you know, before Donald Trump arrived on the scene and turned every political event into a monster truck rally on cocaine.

Because you remember in the last debate, Trump would not shut up for a second. And Pence, he doesn't have it in him to be that obnoxiously rude. But he did take one important lesson from Trump's performance. When the moderator tells you that your time is up, that's really more of a suggestion than a rule. There are no more hurricanes today than there were a hundred years ago. But many of the climate alarms to use hurricanes and wildfliers to try and sell their bill good deal. He said it was tha tha thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. than-a than-a than-a than-a than-a th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. Hea-n. Hea-n. Hea-n. He's thi-n't thi-s. He's thi-s. He's thi-s. He's t. He's togeea-s. togea-s. togea-s. toda-s. toda-s. today-s. today-s. today-s. today-sers to try and sell their bill of goods of a green new deal. He said it was hysterical. He said it was unifobic. The President Trump has stood up to China.

We're going to continue to stand strong. Thank you, Vice President. Under President Trump's leadership, we'll always stand with law enforcement and we'll do what we've done they want to say your time. the lives of African Americans.. Thank, the lives, the lives, the lives, the lives, the lives, the lives, the lives, the lives, th. Thank, th. Thank, th. Thank, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi. thi. thi. thi. thi.. Thank you, Vice President. Unemployment. President Donald Trump not only respects, but reveres all of those who serve in our armed forces and any suggestion otherwise, it's ridiculous. Let me also say, you also say,

okay, I would think that after trying, thank you, Vice President, thi President, thi thii thiiii. thi. thi, thank thank thank thank thank thank thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to. tha. to. to. to to to to to to to tha. to to to to to to to thi. to to to thi. thi. thi. to thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tha. try out a different line like, yo, stop it. Yo, Vice President, Yo, Pence, shut the fuck up. The problem with saying, thank you, Vice President Pence, is that it's just too gentle. Like for all we know in Mike Pence, he thought she was just his hype man. Thank you, Vice President Pence. Oh, you tell them, Vice And honestly, you know what this shows? This shows you that Donald Trump is a bad influence

on innocent little Mike Pence. Four years ago, Pence would never have dreamed of being a rulebreaker. But look at him now. If Pence spends four more years with Trump, by the end of the next term, he'll be polyamorous with mother and some dude named Wildcat he met in a biker gang. And at some point, I'm not even sure why debates like these have moderators. Like what is their job? Because it's not cutting off the candidates, and it's definitely not holding them accountable

for what they say. I mean, anybody can say anything they want to say anything they want't fact check the candidates when they lie. In fact, most of the lies you can pre-fact check because these people use the same lies over and over again. You don't even have to wait for them to say it. The moderator could just be like, this next question is about health care. And Mike Pence, please don't say you and Trump have a plan to protect pre-existing conditions for every American. Yes. And President Trump and I have a plan to improve health care and to protect pre-existing conditions for every American.

Bitch, what did I just say? But look, not everything is the moderators' problem. Ultimately it's up to the candidates to decide what kind of debate they're going to have. And last night, it seemed like both candidates made the choice to dodge any questions that they didn't feel like answering. Vice President Mike Pence and Senator Kamala Harris tackled the issues and exchanged attacks, but they spent much of the night dodging critical questions. Harris wouldn't answer the question about the court packing. Pence wouldn't answer the question about why the US death rate from COVID is so much

worse than any other wealthy country, and he wouldn't commit to a peaceful transfer of power. Both candidates did a great job of not answering questions. They didn't want to answer from climate change to China. They did a good job of sort of ducking and dodging. It's wild to me that you can just refuse to answer a question when you're applying for the second most important job in the country. There is not a single other job that that do that. Even if you were applying to be a grocery store clerk and they asked you, do you have a criminal record? You could never say, man, I'll tell you what a

crime was. What happened to Issa and Mali's relationship this season? Friends got to stick together, man. That's what I think. So I start Tuesday. to I start Tuesday. But let's th I th th th th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the th. I the their th. I their their their th. I th. I th. I their th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I tho. I'll thi. th. th. th. th. th. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the. I'll told. I'll toooooooooooooo. toda. today. today. today. today. today. today. their Kamala Harris definitely dodged the hell out of that court-packing question, it was Pence who was dodging topics all night, like they were a PG-13 movie. And look, I get it. Defending Donald Trump is like trying to sell a house that is currently on fire. It is not an easy job. I know, I know, but just think about how much you'll save on the heating bill, huh? Now, it would be unfair to say that no part of last night was worth watching, because for a couple of minutes, specifically two minutes and nine seconds, the debate got amazing. A fly stole the spotlight. It landed on Vice President Mike Pence's head and stayed there

for about two minutes, everyone but Pence seemed to notice. The fly that landed on Mr. Pence's head and sat there for two minutes and nine seconds. I thought that the most effective being on that stage to go after Vice President Pence was that fly that landed on his head. Who would have predicted a fly would steal the show? Okay can I just say that I was not surprised at all to to to that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. that th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi the thi the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. thi. the. the. the. the. the. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. the. the. the. the. Everyone. on his head. Who would have predicted a fly would steal the show? Okay, can I just say that I was not surprised at all to see that fly land on my pants? First of all, even a fly knows better than to toubend to toubts.

And second, have you seen my pence? A guy has bloody eyes on the world's palest skinned. That fly probably thought he was like, fly, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th. th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, thi, thi, thi, thi, thru. thr. thri, was thri, thri. thri. thri. thri. thri. thri. thri. this is where I be. And I was like, wow, the shit moved. And look, flies land on people all the time. There's nothing crazy about that. What was crazy is how long it sat there for. Even Trump was watching at home like, wow, two minutes with Mike Pence. I could never do that. We gotta get that fly into the White House, such a powerful, strong fly.

Before we go, the deadline to register to vote is coming up in many states. If you haven't registered yet, or you aren't sure if you have, time is running out to make sure that you can cost your vote in November. All you need to do is go to vote, vote vote.com to check your registration status. The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, Ears Edition. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more.

When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts.