The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories - Joe Biden's "Scandals" & Vaccine Buddy System in Massachusetts

Episode Date: February 13, 2021

Right-wing pundits lash out at President Biden, Tom Brady wins his seventh Super Bowl, Massachusetts grants vaccines to people who show up with someone age 75 or older and more. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. President Joseph Ramaposa Biden. Over the weekend, Biden took a short break from his day-to-day presidenting

to catch the Super Bowl from his home in Delaware. And if you aren't immediately outraged about that, well, you obviously haven't been watching the last 48 hours of conservative news media. Joe Biden is planning to travel across state lines to watch the Super Bowl despite calls from the CDC not to travel across state lines to watch the Super Bowl despite calls from the CDC not to travel. Biden and his wife Jill are going to spend the weekend at their Delaware home. Now this just a few days after the CDC warned Americans against traveling this weekend, stressing it could increase their chances of spreading the coronavirus. What happened

to the suggestion that you shouldn't travel during this COVID epidemic? He's setting a horrible example and he's not practicing what he preaches in any shape, form or fashion and if he really thinks that going out and traveling at this particular point in time is putting people at risk, then he's doing exactly that. He's putting thousands and thousands of people at risk. It's very hypocritical. Why does he need to go, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you to go, you to go, you to go, you to go, you to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. thi. thi. thi. House? What's wrong with spending the weekend in the White House? I guess... Unbelievable. You are setting a horrible example, Joe. If you go to your home in Delaware, soon everyone will go to your home in Delaware, and then they'll expect snacks, Joe.

And what are you gonna do? Buy tortier chips? There's no way the store has that many. So you're gonna have to get those kinoa chips, and I know they're better for you, but they taste like cardboard, Joe. And don't tell me, oh, but Trevor, isn't it different because he's the president and he's flying on Air Force One?

No. What if I fly on Airthat people are saying, oh, come on, why are you criticizing Biden for traveling during the pandemic when Donald Trump spent every weekend golfing and coughing on the Marlago buffet table and hosting rallies at the same time. But that's not the same! Donald Trump wasn't being a hypocrite, because he's wanted people to die of COVID. But it's not surprising that Biden bent the travel rules for himself rules rules trals trals trals trals to to to to to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself th to himself the to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself the the the to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to himself to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to himself to himself to himself the toldldld he's had more scandals than we can keep track of. Although my friends we are going to try in our brand new segment Joe Biden the worst president in history that are unforgivable for any American politicians.

Releasing the aliens from Area 51 and insulting the troops. And last week, Biden's press secretary launched a gratuitous attack on the newest and bravest troops of all. White House Press Secretary Jamsaki facing criticism for mocking the Space Force. They ask whether the President has made a decision on keeping or keeping the scope of Space Force. Wow, Space Force. It is an interesting question. I am happy to check with our Space Force point of contact. I'm not true, that is. I will find out and see if we have any update on that. Well, the top Republican on the House Armed Services Committee

is now calling that comment disgraceful, and he's asking the White House press secretary, Jen Saki to apologize. She's literally openly mocking the branch of military that was actually enacted by Congress with democratic support. There's some arrogance there, there's a little condescension as well. A hundred years from now, the Space Force will be one of the important parts of our military. This is no joke. How dare you, Jensacky? Space Force is an illustrious branch of the military that was formed an entire year ago

because Donald Trump had a weird sex dream about elf. If you're going to mock space force, maybe, maybe you should mock all the people who were cut in half when Neptune stole Saturn's rings and threw them at Earth. Oh wait, that never happened because Space Force saved us. Space Force is no joke, okay? This isn't funny. America's sending troops to space where they have to poop in a little bag. You think that's funny?

And if the bag gets too full, the poop escapes. And then to chase the floating poop around the spaceship. Does that sound funny to you guys? A bunch of guys in fancy uniforms floating around a room trying to grab a poop? And then the boss opens the door and he says, what's going on? And then the poop goes in his mouth? Is that a joke to you? is bad enough. But before the Space Force scandal had even died down, Joe Biden took things a step further this time attacking the honor and decency of our heroes in law enforcement. There is some controversy over

comments that the new president made about these about FBI agents as a generality. He made these comments and it's getting a lot of reaction. Listen. By and large the vast vast majority of these men and women are decent honorable people. What should be taken away from that for him to say the vast majority of men and women are decent, honorable people? Why suddenly the qualifiers on, you know, the arbitration of who's a good guy and who's a bad guy? What percentage of people are we talking? Are 80% good and decent people at the FBI?

90? Can you be more specific? Yeah, Joe Biden. Be more specific. Is it 99%? Or is they just one bad guy? Is it Doug? It's totally dug, isn't it?

I knew it! You know he cheats on Margaret, right? Like, what have you heard? But this is just reprehensible. How dare you say that the vast, vast, vast, vast, vast, the vast, vast, the vast,

the vast. And I especially understand why this must have been a shock for the folks over at Fox News to hear a president slander the brave members of the corrupt, deep state like that. I mean, I just hope that decent, honorable scumbags like James Comey don't hear about this. Now look, it's not surprising that Joe Biden is bringing scandal to the White house. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the the the the th. I the the th. I the th. I the the tho. I tho. the tho. th. thi. the the th. thi. thi. the thi. the thi. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the, the, the. And, the. And, the. And, th. And, that, th. And, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus. And, thus. And, thus. And, th. And,, it's not surprising that Joe Biden is bringing scandal to the White House. I mean, after all, his entire campaign was little more than just a front to launder money for his son, Hunter Biden. And just as everyone predicted, Hunter is already turning Daddy's presidency into his own personal piggy bank. So Hunter Biden has a new book that is set to come out within his father's first hundred

days. But critics are pointing out, President Biden said his family wasn't going to do this. They weren't going to cash in on his presidency. Do you write a book for free? The real concern here though is Simon and Schuster is the, is the company that canceled Josh Holly in his book, but they're doing the book for Hunter Biden. And how will this book be used? Will it be kind of test of loyalty to Joe Biden to buy the book?

Will there be mass sales? Yes, my friends, welcome to Joe Biden's America, where if you want a COVID vaccine, you'll have to pass a pop quiz on Hunter Biden's book. What important lesson did Hunter Biden learn in Chapter 9? Uh, to believe in himself? Wrong! Give him COVID! And what if you're not getting the vaccine? Biden will still know if you bought the book.

You know why? Because our bookshelves are in the background of all our Zoom meetings. Did Joe Biden engineer the coronavirus just to make sure we all bought his son's book? I'm just asking questions, but yes, that's what happened. This is what we're facing people, scandal after scandal after scandal. The unfortunate truth is that Joe Biden is incapable of doing literally anything right as president. In fact, even before his first day in office was finished, Biden had racked up three major scandals.

Joe Biden made fighting the coronavirus pandemic the main staple of his campaign. However, many have noticed that Biden and other high-level officials at his own inauguration were failing to socially distance. Even wearing their masks was at times optional or not correct, the way they were doing it, when they were within six feet of others. Look, there was a lot of hugging going on, and these were not necessarily people who shared bubbles. Joe Biden hired private security as if he were not satisfied with the National Guard and the military.

He wanted even more guns at his behest. Joe Biden jumped the gun a tod to to to to to to to to to to to to Guard and the military, he wanted even more guns at his behest. Joe Biden jumped the gun a little bit today. He got sworn in at 10 minutes to noon. I don't mean to nitpick, but does say noon according to the law. That's right. Joe Biden stole 10 minutes of Donald Trump's presidency, or as Fox News calls it, Tengazi. Who knows what Trump could have accomplished in those 10 minutes? I mean, maybe that's when he was finally going to release his health care plan. He could have used that time to walk down half a ramp. And do you have any idea how much Fox News Trump could have watched in that 10 minutes?

Like, 10 minutes? So those are the many Joe Biden scandals exposed by the muck-raking journalists of conservative media in just his first three weeks in office. And who knows, by this time tomorrow, we could find out that Biden left the twentieth seat up or even worse, spoiled the end of Wondervision. The Super Bowl. It's the world championship of a sport only played in America. And yesterday's game was one for the record books. This morning, Tom Brady is running out of fingers for his rings, capturing his record

seventh Super Bowl at age 43. I think we knew this was going to happen I, didn't we? The Bucks didn't just win. They trampled last year's champs, the Kansas City Chiefs 31 to 9. The weekend also electrifying on stage, singing some of his biggest hits in a slickly produced halftime show. Using mass dancers to keep things COVID-friendly. Hell yeah! What a great halftime show! And it looks like the weekend finally found a use for all that toilet paper he's been hoarding. And how about Tom Brady winning his seventh Super Bowl ring? At this rate he's gonna be the first player with a Super Bowl toe ring people. I mean at this point Tom Brady has led the kind of life that

eight-year-olds narrates to themselves in the backyard. The crowd goes wild Tommy wins his seventh Super Bowl and now he's rich and he's married to a supermodel. And now he's riding a dinosaur. RAAR! And look, I know a lot of people don't like Tom Brady. Anyway, let's move on now from the Super Bowl to the big game in Washington. Tomorrow, the US Senate will begin its annual impeachment trial of Donald J. Trump. And there's three possible outcomes. He could be convicted, he could be exonerated, or the most likely one, he could commit new

crimes during the trial that he'll get impeached for next year. But whatever happens to Trump, hundreds of his followers are already facing consequences for rioting at the Capitol, although at least one of them is getting a chance to cut loose before she might get locked up. A woman accused of participating in the deadly capital riot will get to go on vacation later this month. The judge in Washington, D.C., Gennie Cud's request to travel to Mexico.

The motion was granted and filed yesterday, Cud's lawyers say she had a prepaid, weekend retreat for herself and her employees at Becky's Flowers to go to Riviera Maya, Mexico. The retreat would reportedly serve as a work-related bonding time for employees and their spouses. Oh yeah, Insurrection at Club Med Cosimo! Honestly, if I were this woman's employee, I'd be a little nervous to go on a bonding retreat.

I mean, these aren't the kind of people I'm putting on a blindfold and going on a trust hike with. Okay, I'm sticking my hands out, all right? Closing them like you say, wait, hold on. Am I strangling Nancy Pelosi? Damn it, not cool, Jenny! What I love about this is that this woman planned the vacation before she participated in the riots. So in her head, she was going to go to Washington, overthrow the government, and then what, hit

the beach for two weeks? I'm like, how serious of a revolution were you planning, lady? These riots were all shouting that the beach house in Cabo? These riots the riots fathers were like, on July 4th we declare our independence. Then on July 5th, we got that beach house in Cabo. Thomas, you're in? Shit's gonna be lit, bro. And look, obviously I want this woman to be held accountable for her actions.

But I also kind of want to party with her in Mexico. I mean, think about it. If she and her friends can turn a boring election certification vote into this. You best believe their spring breaks are going to be wild. And look, I know a lot of people are angry about the story. But the law says that if you can post bail and you aren't a flight risk, you can go back to your life until they actually convict you of a crime. And I'll be honest, I agree with that concept. No one should sit in a jail cell because they might be a criminal. If anything, the problem I have is that people who can't afford bail have to stay in jail.

I mean, what are the courts scared of? No one is easier to keep tabs on than a broke person. You know where a broke person isn't going? Mexico or the movies, or out to dinner. You want to track a broke person? Well, they're at home. And finally, some education news. February is Black History Month. A beautiful time in America when Americans celebrate all the black people who died rather than help the black people who are still alive.

But now, a debate about how to teach black history is causing a bit of a stir in one of America's least black states. In Utah, a school reverses a decision which would have allowed parents to opt out of lessons on Black History Month. This is happening at a charter school in Ogden, Utah. Initially, the school's director said he was asked by several families to opt out, and he obliged and sent out a document asking if other parents wanted to do the same thing. But now the school is backtracking after pushback from parents and black history supporters. Wow. First of all, what an embarrassment for the school.

If I were them, I'd try to play the whole thing off as an intentional history lesson. You see, parents? You wanted to opt out, but you're not allowed to. Just like the slaves couldn't. Black history accomplished. Now, people are saying that trying to opt out of black history is racist, but even more than that, it's stupid because black history is exciting. It's got racism, war, oppression, dudes with afros in leather jackets. If you have to opt out of something, you should opt out of boring shit, like trigonometry. You don't need to know that an isosceles triangle has four sides, trust me.

Regardless though, it's a good thing the school backtracked, because this is a slippery slope. If you let kids opt out of black history, then you'll have to let them opt out out out out out out out, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, thi, the, the, thi, thi, the, the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. So. So, th. Some, th. Some, th. Some, th. Some, th. Some, th. Some, th. Some, th. Some, th. Some, th. Some, th. Some, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thr. Somea. Somea. Somea. Somea. Somea. Somea. Somea. Somea. Somea. Somea. Soa. Somea, together, together, together, together, together, together, then you'll have to let them opt out of white history. And then what, Asian history? And before you know it, kids will be showing up to school like, back off, teach! I'm just here for lunch! When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling? But that's all about to change.

Like, none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. Ever since Colin Kappenick began kneeling for the national anthem, professional teams have been grappling with how to handle all the drama around that moment. You've got fans who want to stand, you've got players who want to kneel, people trying to signal the beer guy while also keeping their hand over their hearts. But now, one NBA team has tried to find

a completely different solution. If you go to a Dallas Mavericks game now, you will not hear or be able to stand for the national anthem because they're not playing it anymore. They're not singing it anymore. The Dallas Mavericks have ceased playing the national anthem this season and do not plan to play it moving forward. A decision made by the owner, tha thamamamamamamamamamamamamamamamamamamam. to to to to to to to the to the the the the the. the the, the, the, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the, the, the, the, to the to the the the the th. th. to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their the, the, thean, thean.ean, thean.ea.ea.ea.ea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea.the owner Mark Cuban, the Mavericks did not publicize the anthem's removal. This from Dan Patrick, the lieutenant governor of Texas, the decision to cancel our national anthem for the

Dallas Mavericks is a slap in the face to every American and an embarrassment to Texas, sell the franchise and some Texas patriot will buy it. We are the land of the free and home of the brave. That's right. This is the land of the free. Why aren't we forcing people to sing the national anthem? All right, look, people. I know that this is a big tradition in the US.

But just so you know, the rest of the world thinks that it sings the anthem at their domestic sports games. Like in other countries, you only sing the national anthems at international sporting events. All right? You don't do it for every game. That's like saying grace before tasting every free ice cream sample at the ice cream shop. And can I try the vanilla please? For what we're about to receive, may the Lord make us too? Can I try the chocolate too?

For what we're about to receive me. I mean, just think about it. What does the national anthem even have to do with a basketball game? George Washington didn't beat the red coats in a game of three on three. I mean, although he would have. Dude was six to to thi. Back then, he was basically shack in a powdered wig. Yeah, man, we're gonna free this country, we're gonna write something about it. We're gonna make a United States of America, baby. Now, after the story broke, the NBA forced the Mavericks to start playing the anthem again,

which Mark Cuban probably isn't too happy about. Luckily for Mark Cuban, though, I have a solution that Mark Cuban is so gonna love. Now Mark, you recently ditched the national anthem, and I get it. After literally thousands of years, this song comes with a lot of baggage. We need a fresh start. That's why I came up with a new national anthem that I think you'll enjoy.

I'll listen, but... Okay, here goes. A little bit of Kansas in my life, a little bit of Florida by my side. A little bit of Utah's what I need. A little bit of Georgia's what I see. A little bit... Okay and then it goes into a call response part. When I say US, you say A, US? US? Anyway, that goes on for like six or seven minutes.

And then we get to the climax, the big finish. Now you know, America is a countryonverse. Unless you're screwing with us, it makes no sense whatsoever. You are so full and f-shunders. Oh, okay. Um, well, while I'm here, I also invented an iPad, but for dogs, I call it the iPa. I'm out. Thank you for your time.

The coronavirus. The only thing with more mutations than Rudy Giuliani. There's good news in America, as cases and hospitalizations continue to fall. But with dangerous coronavirus variants spreading around the country, the race is now on to get as many people vaccinated as quickly as possible. Which is why in Massachusetts, they started doing this. Starting today in Massachusetts, vaccine eligibility begins for friends and family members who accompany a person who is 75 years of age or older to their vaccine appointment.

Only one companion per person is allowed to sign up for this vaccine appointment at a mass vaccination site, regardless of their age or health. Hell yeah, Massachusetts! Oh! This is just like the club, but the exact opposite. The shots are free, and if you have your grandma with you, you get in right away. But yes, anyone can get a vaccine in Massachusetts as long as they roll up with someone 75 or over. And you know what this means, right? It means everyone is going to want to make friends with old people in Massachusetts now. In fact, they should just make this the next season of the Bachelorette. Who will get Gladys' syringe? Stay tuned to find out. And this

could also make for some awkward situations, because this is when the grandkids find out which one is the favorite. Or that grandma has been having an affair with the pool boy all along. I love you all equally but Javier has abs of steel. And look I know there's going to be a run on octogenarians now but if you ask me we shouldn't need any more incentives to hang out with old people. Guys old people are the best. They're full of wisdom. They usually have free candy in their pockets and they have lots of practical advice about defeating Nazis, which is super useful these days. But America isn't the only country taking

creative measures to combat coronavirus. They're also making big changes in France, aka horny Belgium, where office culture may never be the same. Employees in France will soon be allowed culture may never be the New York Times, the amendment is, quote, a catastrophe. I agree. This is a catastrophe for French culture. First they start eating at their desks, and what's next? Working at their desks? But this is kind of wild.

Apparently up until now, it had been illegal in France to eat lunch at your desk. Because they think if it's allowed, workers are going to be pressured to do it instead of taking a lunch break. Not to mention, it's really hard to get fresh ground pepper out of a keyboard. And I'm not going to lie. I was really surprised to learn about this rule. I would have thought that if anyone ate while they were working, it would be the French the French the French the French the French French French French French French French French French French French French French French French French the French French the French the French, it would be French, it would be French, it would be French, it would be French, it would be French, it would be French, it would be French, I the French, I the French, I the French, I, I, I would the French, the French, I would their, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I, I'm, I'm, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, it would be the French. I mean, their main pastry doubles as a phone. Hello? Magaret, I need those documents on my desk by the end of the day.

Uh-huh? Uh-huh. Okay, magnificent. And finally, a story about some people in the Caribbean who were quarantining a little too well. This morning, three Cuban nationals are recovering after being stranded on a remote, deserted island for five weeks. The married couple and another man were found on Anguila Key, a small island between Key West and the Bahamas. We actually discovered them waving next to their temporary shelter that they had built for themselves.

Pictures show the shelter the three had made. With little food and water, they reportedly survived off rats and conchalls. Good Lord people. That sounds absolutely traumatic. To be on a beach and not be able to Instagram it, woo! That is a punishment I wish on nobody. But yeah, that's right. A married couple and another man

was stranded on an island for 33 days. And the person I feel worse for is the other man. Because not only are you the third wheel, but once that rat supply dries up, you know you the first thing on the menu. Why you guys, why you guys looking at me like th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th.. th. th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, to be, to be to be that, that, to be that, to be thoom. thoom. thoom. I'm, tho, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, thi, thi. And, thi. And, that, that, that, to to to to to to to to to toea. And, toea. And, toea. And, toea. And, that, that, that, that, the first thing on the menu. Why you guys looking at me like that? Do you guys want to have like a threesome? I mean, something like that. But for real, actually being stranded on a tropical island seems way less fun than they made

it seem on Gilligan's island. I don't remember ever seeing Mary Ann walking around covered in rat blood. Before we go, remember this month is Black History Month, so please consider supporting an organization called Barbershop Books. They're creating child-friendly reading spaces in barbers and providing early literacy training to barbers, all to inspire black boys and other vulnerable children to read for fun. The Daily Show with Cover Noa, Ears Edition.

Watch the Daily Show week nights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and the Comedy Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change.

Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.