The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories | Kim K Gets A $1.3 Million Dollar Fine For Promoting Crypto

Episode Date: October 8, 2022

Kim K Gets a $1.3 million dollar fine for promoting crypto, Iranian women and students continue to fight the morality police, and House of Dragon fans complain the show is “too dark." Here's a look at what happened this week. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. We start off like Pele in Brazil. The South American nation held its presidential election last night. And because neither of the top choices got a majority, they are now going to be having a runoff election at the end of October. Yeah. And then if it's still tied after the runoff, then I assume they go into a runoff election at the end of October. Yeah. And then if it's still tied tied after the run they they they they they they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go they go into they go into they go into they go into they go into they go into they go. they they they they go. they go. they go. they go. they go. they go. they go. they are now going to be having a runoff election at the end of October. Yeah, and then if it's still tied after the runoff, then I assume they go into penalty kicks. In other international news, the African nation of Burkina Faso has had another shake-up in its government,

because the military leader who took power in a coup, earlier this year, has now himself been ousted in a second coup. And I guess he can't complain, right? What is he going to say? What give you the idea that you could just, oh, oh, yeah. But now, but now the new guy has to be like, okay, I think we can all agree that this is the exact right number of coups, huh? Two feels like the right vibe, you know what I'm saying?

So my thoughts are obviously with the people of Burkina Faso, but also with Donald Trump. Yeah, it must hurt him, especially bad to see two coups in a row carried out properly. First up, DJ. Back here in the US, in some legal news, California has officially announced that jaywalking is now no longer a crime. Yeah. So congratulations to the Californians who like walking places. This is great news for the six of you. Oh, and when you do cross the road, remember to watch our weather for that bus.

Ah, well, at least you didn't die committing a crime. All right, let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day, starting with the global economy. I don't need to tell you this, but right now, the entire world is teetering on the brink. te of te of te of te te te. teatering teatering teattering teattering teattering teaturing toeat-a-a-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-a-o-a-o-o-o-o-o-o-a-a-a-a-a. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. the. the. the. te. tease-n. tease-n'-n'-n'-n'-n'-n'-ease-ease-ease to-ease to-eatease theatease thease the. the. 't even move. You might tip it over. And if you think things are bad for real money, things are even worse for fake money, which is why the NFT market has fallen 97 percent from its peak last January. Which, I'm shocked. Who would have thought paying 50 grand for a picture of a digital monkey was a bad financial move. It's just so hard to predict this stuff. But yeah, NFTs have collapsed and now all the board apes have been released back into the wild.

I, uh, I ran over one with my car the other day. It was so tragic, they just are not equipped to be out there in the streets. And it's not just the NFTies. value, all of them, Bitcoin, Ethereum, Doge coin, tether, even Trev Butt coin, which I made up just now. I made it up in this moment, but it's already lost $2 billion. Shit is wild, guys. Now as the crypto bubble pops, some major names are now getting in trouble for how they convince their fans to invest in crypto.

Reality Star Kim Kardashian has been charged by the Securities and Exchange Commission, the SEC, for the way that she promoted a cryptocurrency asset on Instagram. She has settled this charge with the SEC. The SEC says that she unlawfully used her Instagram account to promote a cryptocurrency token and did not disclose to her many, many followers that she was being paid $250,000 to do that. The SEC going out there and saying hey just because a celebrity or an influencer says something about a potential financial product don't necessarily believe it. Yeah thank you SEC you cannot just trust anything as celebrity sells. I learned this the hard way as

the owner of Queen Elizabeth's penis enlargement spray. It's more of a mist than a spray, Queen. Rest in peace, but still. By the way, why do I feel like this whole investigation might have been started because someone at the SEC was caught looking at Kim's Instagram? It's such a unique case. It's almost like someone was like, oh no, boss, this is not what it looks like. I'm doing an investigation. I wasn't looking at a vacation photos. Uh, crypto? In case you're wondering, by the way, Kim Kardashian has agreed to pay the SEC a fine of $1.3 million. Yeah, which is five times what she got paid for the ad.

And I mean, now the question is, how is she gonna make up that loss? Well, I'll tell you how. With Treve butt coin. I know it seems shady, but coin. Oh, speaking of scandals, recently the world of alternative sports has been rocked by some of the craziest cheating allegations you have ever heard. And when I say alternative sports, I mean it. You might remember this, but a chess champ was accused of using anal beads to pick

the best moves, right? Recently a poker star has just been accused of using some kind of vibrator to win big hands in games. And now, and maybe my favorite story of all time, accusations of cheating have rocked the world of competitive fishing. Let's get to a big story rocked the world of competitive fishing. Let's get to a big story now in the fishing community. Two fishermen are accused of adding weights to their fish to win a popular tournament.

So here's what went down. People in the crowd suspected foul play and they prompted the fish to then be inspected when the director found multiple lead weights stuffed inside them. He need to be arrested. He need to be arrested. He needs to be arrested. Call the cops. All the men.

All the men. All the men. Every s'fix you have to be tell them to fish. theyves right now. Damn, those dudes are pissed. Call the cubs right now. I haven't seen white dudes this mad about fish since.. the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, thinks, tho, tho, thomom. All thomomomomomom. All, the cops, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all. All, all. All, all. All, all, all. All, all. All, all. All, th and th and th and th and th and th and th and th and thi. All, thi. All, thi. All, thi. All, thi. All, tho, tho, thoops, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the them the fish! Call the cobs right now! I haven't seen white dudes this mad about fish since the Disney relounced the little mermaid thing.

That was why you could get caught. Call the cubs right now! Did your fish? But yeah, it turns out, apparently two fishermen allegedly stuffed the fish that they caught with lead weights to make the fish way more. because apparently the the the fish the fish the fish the fish the fish the fish the fish the fish the fish the fish the fish the fish the fish the fish the fish the fish the fish the fish the fish the thfish thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th I I I I I I I I I I th I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I th. I thi. I thi. I thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th stuffed the fish that they caught with lead weights to make the fish way more. Because apparently the heavier the fish, the more prize money you can win. And in this case, the prize was $29,000, which is so much money. You realize at Long John Silvers, you can get a fish with two sides and a drink

for $7,000, huh? And then you can use the rest of your $29,000 to buy to buy to buy to buy to buy $29,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, th, th, th,000,000,000, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, th, th, th, th, th, th, thiii, thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaugh, the, thea, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, the rest of your $29,000 to buy trif butt coin. Treff butt coin, the coin that always comes up tails. You know, if I'm honest, I almost admire the simplicity of this scandal. I really enjoyed this. You know, because in other sports when people cheat, it's like, oh, untraceable performance and enhancing drugs and this HGH and the hidden surveillance cameras and secretly hollowed out pieces of, yeah, these guys were just like, so, uh, what if we put some heavy stuff in the fish? I understand this.

I am sad though about the scandal because winning at all costs isn't what fishing is about. All right. Fishing is about finding Nemo and eating him before his dad can get him back. I like that you're sad for not a real Nemo. All right, finally, let's catch up on the latest updates from the war in Ukraine in our ongoing segment. Vlad gone mad. As we all know, seven months ago, Russia's most famous boulding troll invaded his neighboring country.

And although so far he's only been able to capture about 15% of Ukraine, last weekend he announced no backsees. President Putin has announced the annexation of four regions of Ukraine. Last weekend, he announced no backsees. President Putin has announced the annexation of four regions of Ukraine that are partially controlled by Russian forces. It is the biggest seizure of territory in Europe since the Second World War.

Russian President Vladimir Putin, proclaiming victory will be ours. After formally announcing the illegal annexation of 15% of Ukraine, joining hands with the leaders of four Russian occupied regions, chanting Russia. In a fiery speech, Putin warning he'll do everything possible to defend the Ukrainian territory as his own. That territory, Vladimir Putin insists, is now and forever will be Russian. I want the Kiev authorities and they're real masters in the West to hear me so that they remember this forever.

People in New Hansk and Donetsk, Herson and Zaporijia are becoming our citizens forever. God damn. That is the scariest beginning to a relationship I've ever heard. We're together. Forever. Here, I made you a BFF necklace. You will wear it forever. When we see each other, we will put halves together and say, besties, forever. This is yet another escalation in the war, people.

Putin has declared that this territory is his. Yeah. He invaded, he held a sham election, and then he celebrated by hosting a literal jerk circle. And by the way, by the way, can I just say props to whichever cameraman chose to show the angle that shows Putin as short as he actually is? Yeah? Because everyone's like, how totally are the, that's how he, that's, yeah, this is what happens.

There's your short king. Whoever, whatever that cameraman was, you better have someone taste your food for the next few months. Oh, and by the way way way way way way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the the the thuuuu thu thu thu thu thu thooom thoom thoom thoom thoom is thi that's thoomorrow is that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's tooome. too. too. too. too. too. too. the. too. the. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's taste your food for the next few months. Oh, and by the way, Putin's big day wasn't just about him imposing Russia's will on other countries, no. He also found a moment to deliver a furious rant about how America does it too. Instead of democracy there, there's suppression and exploitation, instead of freedom, enslavement and violence. America is the only country in the world that has used nuclear weapons twice,

when they destroyed the Japanese cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. By the way, they set a precedent with that. And earlier, launching a tirade against the US and its allies, saying Western nations are moving towards open Satanism. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, America's moving towards Satanism. Relax. This guy walked into one Walmart during Halloween. Suddenly he thinks everyone here worships the devil.

I can't wait till he comes back during Valentine's Day. They have naked baby shooting people to force them in love. Reminds me of my wedding day, to be honest. But that wasn't even close to being the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the wasn't even close to being the most interesting part of his speech, because what Putin basically spent a lot of time saying is that people shouldn't complain about what he's doing because the West has also done bad things in the past. You know, and that's disingenuous.

It's sort of like how, if you complain about the legroom on spirit airlines, they shut you up by showing you pictures of other airlines that have crashed. You know, it's just like, oh I'm sorry, you're not comfortable, but you know what you are? Alive! Now sit your ass down and shut up! By the way, the peanuts are $20. And here's the weird thing, Putin isn't necessarily wrong. Asterix, asterix, asterix. The West has created a system where people get trapped in a theirpipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipip. the their their is a their is a their is a their is a th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, to, th. And, to, th. to, to, to, th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. th. th. th. thtrapped in perpetual debts. And this is true, if certain countries don't participate in the global order, they get sabotaged into bending the knee. But that doesn't mean that he's right for what he's doing. This is a thing that sucks about bad guys. Oftentimes they'll use the truth to justify their evil actions.

Because part of what he's saying is true. It's like, but it's Putin who's saying it. I hate it where that happens. Bad guys is like a real thing. Like, like, do I agree that the human population is overconsuming and slowly killing the earth? Yes. I just wish that Thanos wasn't the one that said it, you know what I mean? And maybe this is what leaders in the leaders leaders leaders in leaders leaders leaders leaders in leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders leaders the the the the the the their their the in the West need to understand. If they don't practice the ideals that they so often preach, madmen like Putin will exploit that hypocrisy to justify the evil that he does in his name.

All right, that's it for the headlines, but before we go, let's check it on the traffic with our very own. Roy Wood, Jr. Everybody! Why you need anotherto know the trep, are you going somewhere? No, no Roy, not like any time soon, right? Like, this is just for the people at home right now. I'm still going to be here for a significant while. I'm, I'll be honest, man, I'm scared to talk to you right now, because last time you and I had a conversation,

you decided to lead the show. Shouldn't even be talking to you, you, you, you, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'd to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to, to, to, to, to, to to, to to to to, to to to to to to to to to to to to toldlded, told told me the the the tape, tape, try, try, try try try try try try try try try try try try try thau.a, to to to to to to t now because last time you and I had a conversation you decided to lead a show. Shouldn't you be talking to you. I would leave during the next commercial break. We probably talking too much right now. No no that's not true Roy that's not true. And then why do you bring my name into it when you quit? You don't lead a show but you started to Roy would you. You could have just said, bitch, I'm gone. That's all you had to say was, I'm gone, bitch, I'm out. And you didn't have to drag my name into it. Now everybody on my Twitter yelling at me,

thinking that it's my fault that you decided to lead the show. And it's not my fault when the streets with that singing bill. No, Roy, Roy, that is not how it happened. That is not. Please do not believe anything you read in the tabloids, Roy. Don't believe you. Don't believe you. Don't believe you.

And then you set me up, you talked to Ronnie, because you knew you was going to step down after you had to Ronnie. Look at Ronnie's face. He didn't know. Ronnie didn't know. I've never seen an Asian misconfused in my life. Ronnie is your friend. You could at least turn to Ronnie. You could have to turn to Ronnie and said, Ronnie, you need to get the fuck out of here, some shit about to go down.

But you didn't do that, did you? You didn't do that, see, I understand Trump now. We can't be giving these immigrants these jobs because these immigrants, you come over and you don't treat the job right. Roy, we had a wonderful seven years together. It has nothing to do with you. You to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thin, thi. thin, thin' thin' that's, I that's, I that's, I that's, I that's, I, I, I that's, I that's, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I. I. I. I, I. I. I, I. I, I. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I understand, I'm, I understand, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I understand, I'm, I'm, I understand, I understand, I understand, I'm, I understand. And, I understand. And, I'm, I understand. I understand. I'm, I'm, It was, I was, I was thanking you in a way. That's what's up. You was thanking me and you're just going to come over here and me think I'm gonna just do traffic. You want me to do traffic today. What you want, what you want?

You want to talk about Burkina Faso? If anything, if anything, you want by the dictator, but at least they stay until somebody forces them out. They don't quit on their friends and then throw their friend under the bus. I'm throwing under the bus, Roy. And I feel like right now, you're being a little dramatic. Like, can we, can we just talk about the traffic? Can't we just talk about the traffic? Jay Walking. Thank you. Jay walking legal now. That's what they're saying. They're saying it's legal now. Legal.

Instead of doing the one thing that everybody should expect you to do, you can just up and turn left and just ruin the flow of everybody else's life without any consideration. It is perfectly legal. They just go, oh, look at me. I'm walking around fucking up, everybody else is trafficking. Roy, okay, I'm sorry that you feel like I said you were responsible for me leaving the show, okay? I'm sorry. I'm also sorry that people are blaming you on social media because, yeah, because you did

nothing wrong, my friend. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. All you did was inspire me to leave the show. So in that spirit, my friend, can you please just do the traffic? Man, do your own damn traffic, man. I'm out. Starting off in Asia. This morning, North Korea once again fired a missile over the north coast of Japan into the Pacific Ocean. A provocation that they last did five years ago. And if you're wondering why it was so much time in between launches, well that's how long it took North Korea to pull the giant rubber band

back once again. In Labor News, the FAA has officially announced that flight attendance must now get an extra hour of mandatory rest between flights, which is great. Yeah, this is fantastic. They deserve that hour. And they also deserve someone who will wake them up from their sleep every 30 minutes to ask them if they'd like a drink. Anything else? Oh, and some big celebrity news from the world of Scooby-Doo. After 53 years, the character, Velma, has officially come out of the closet as a lesbian. Yeah. And I'm sure right now that someone is like, as a conservative, can I just say I am outraged?

Whatever happened to the wholesome family show about a drug addict who got so high he thinks his dog is talking to him. No, but for real, this is a great move for representation. Although, it will make things a little awkward for the villains at the end of every episode. Oh, and I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you, weird kids. I mean, not, not Velma, you're cool. I'm an ally. I'm just saying that like a bunch of kids who spend their time solving crimes, that's weird. I'm not saying it's weird that you like women. You live your truth, girlfriend. Ha ha ha.

By the way, can I say, oh boy, when are those cops getting here? Ha ha ha ha! Oh, this is awkward. All right. Let's move on. Let's to some. Let's to some. Let's to to to to some. Let's to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. tho. th. tho. thi. that that tho. th. th. th. th. that, that's, that's, that's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. th. to the. to the. the. the. to the. the. thi. thi. thi. thi. the biggest stories of the day. Starting off with the aftermath of Hurricane Ian, officials say that nearly half a million people in Florida are still without power and repairing damage to homes and businesses could cost up to 75 billion dollars. And because this is Florida, there's one more effect of hurricanes you might not have thought of.

Floridians returning to their homes after Hurricane Ian are facing a new danger. Alligators. A reminder of what people can't see in the waters. In addition to down power lines, after hurricanes or tropical storms, wildlife, like alligators and snakes can wash into communities. Literally right now, there's an alligator right in front of us, so you really have to keep waiting to get in there. This is about as good a reason why thoe thoe thoe thoe th. th. th. th. to th. th. to th. th. th. to th. th. th. to th. thiiiol-a, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. A, th. A, th. A, th. A, th. A, th. A, th. A, th. We, th. We, th. We, th. We, th. We, th. We, th. We, th. We, th. A, th. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. to, to, the. to, to, to, thr. to. to. thr. tho. thea. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. to keep waiting to get in there. This is about as good a reason why as you should not go in the water. We do not know everything that is in there right now, but we know that that is a problem here.

Yeah, that is definitely a problem, okay? Flood waters are bringing alligators and water snakes into people's neighborhoods. I mean, I've heard of gentrification, butthis shit isn't next level, you know? And of course this was always bound to happen. Remember, alligators live in water. If your place is filled with water you can expect alligators too. It's sort of like if you fill your house with beer, oh don't be surprised when Brett Kavanaugh shows up. I still like beer. My man. I will say,

I will say one nice thing about living in America is that if something like this happens to you, everyone sends condolences and offers help. Yeah, because back home in Africa, if you say crocodiles and snakes are being washed into your house, everyone will be like, what did you do that Jesus is sending you these creatures, huh? The devil is in your life, you need to pray, huh? What did you do? I didn't do anything. You did something. But let's move on to the latest news out of Iran.

It has been over two weeks since the Iranian people took to the streets protesting the death of Masa Amini, who died in police custody after being arrested for not covering her hair properly, they claimed. Now, despite the Iranian government's attempts to shut the protesters down, the people in the streets are still growing in numbers. This morning, concern over renewed clashes in Iran's universities, after two weeks of unrest and deadly protests sweeping across the country. On Monday, Iran's top technology university was shuddered following an hours-long standoff between students and the police that

turned the prestigious institution into the latest flashpoint. And it's not just college campuses, resistance in high schools too. Young Iranian girls removing their hijab while chanting from their schools. A stunning act of defiance and another sign of young women leading the way in these historic protests. Addressing the latest violence for the first time, Iran's supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei expressed support to the security forces and condemn the riots on Monday, calling them a bitter incident and accusing the United States and Israel, Iran's arch adversaries

of orchestrating the disturbances. Okay, first off, come on man. You can't blame the US and Israel for everything. You can't. It's like, oh, this is because of the U.S. and Israel. No, this is Iranians protesting what the Iranian government is doing to them. It's not about America or Israel. I bet this dude comes out of the bathroom at a party like,

looks like Israel clogged up your toilet. Oh, oh, oh. And secondly, can I just say how every single day I'm continuously impressed by the bravery and the tenacity of the women and the girls in Iran. This is so impressive to see. Because remember, remember, they are risking their lives protesting a brutal regime, which I know for a fact I wouldn't have the guts to do. I won't lie. Yeah, like once, my mom thought it was a Friday when it was actually a Saturday,

and I was so scared to incur her wrath that I just went to school. Yeah, I just hung out alone for the whole day. Somehow I still got bullied. Turns out the biggest bullies lie within. Anyway, let's move on to some breaking news about Elon Musk. The man who will save the world or blow it up by accident could go either way. Every day it seems like the mad genius is in the news for something else. And over the weekend, he introduced his vision for the future. A humanoid robot called Optimus, which he says will allow for a future where there is no poverty. Which I assume means, when the robots kill us all, no one will be poor.

Then yesterday, the Musk made more news when he got in a beef with the President of Ukraine after Musk posted a Twitter poll asking whether Russia should be allowed to annex parts of their neighboring country. And people, not only is this insensitive, but a Twitter poll is not the place to be deciding the future of a country. That basically has the same legitimacy as those fortune-teller things you used to do in middle school, you know? He's like, this, th says, th says, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi,things you used to do in middle school, you know? He's like, this says you live in Hawaii and get married to Becky and then invade the Donbass region.

It's not a thing, Elon, but if you thought that was big, this morning, Elon Musk worth of news. A dramatic new twist in the Elon Musk Twitter saga. After months of trying to back out, a new report said, a report to Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky, Becky, to Becky, Becky, to Becky, to Becky, Becky, to Becky, and Becky, to Becky, to Becky, and Becky, to Becky, to Becky, to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky to Becky, to Becky, to Becky, to Becky, to Becky, to Becky, to Becky, to Becky, to Becky, to Becky, to Becky, to Becky, to Becky to Becky to Becky to be to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to Becky to Becky to Becky to A dramatic new twist in the Elon Musk Twitter saga. After months of trying to back out, a new report says Musk is now going through with the deal after all. Musk is now reportedly proposing to buy Twitter for the original offer price for the original offer price. Womburg News reports Musk made the proposal in a letter to Twitter. He says he'll buy at the original offer price of 5420 a share.

Musk has been trying to back out of the deal first signed in April. Okay, I don't know what the hell is happening here. But apparently the Twitter deal is now back on. Yeah. I mean, I guess we shouldn't be surprised. Elon Musk is notorious for not pulling out of a deal. He stays in there, he's consistent. And you know one thing about this story, it just shows you how being a billionaire is so wild, you know?

They go back and forth on buying a giant company the way most people move ultra-miniboots back in and out of their Amazon cart. Like, are they ugly? Are they chic? Oh, I changed my mind every day. Although, on the other hand, this may be the most relatable thing that Elon has ever done, huh? Everyone does this. They try and leave Twitter with a big announcement just to come crawling back. Starting off with big news out of the retail industry. Goodwill, the famous donation store,

has launched its own e-commerce site where you can buy secondhand items online. Yeah, so if you're looking to buy a shirt for 40 cents, but then pay $20 in shipping, you're in luck. No, but this is great, this is great. You know, it's good to see them expanding. They do really good work, but you have to admit, thrift shopping online isn't just the same as doing it in person.

You know, you gotta be there to see the patterns, you feel the fabric, you smell that secondhand sweat, just like, hmm, someone's grandpa. In international news, an Irishman just became the first person ever everto row a boat from New York City to Ireland. Yeah, it took him four months. But he said it was still better than flying out of LaGuardia. I'm like, ah, yeah, at LimeTec might be dangerous, but it's still better than Terminal Tree. Oh, in economic news, the Treasury Department has announced that America's national debt

has hit $31 trillion, which damn, that's a lot of debt. We realize the only solution now is for America to marry another country that has good finances, right? Yeah, Joe Biden needs to go out and give a press conference like, hey, hey, Japan, you up? But let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day, starting with a major milestone in the world of baseball. The only sports that's somehow better on radio. Baseball is a game that treats its records with reverence. You know, all of them, from Cal Ripkin Jr's more than 2, 6 game to Joe Di-Dohchita's the the the thionionionionionionionionionionionionionionionionionionion, to to thinec-1 1 6, to Joe DiMaggio's 56 game hitting streak, to Derek Jeter's record of being the only successful guy ever to be named Derek.

But no stat is more revered than the home run. And last night, Yankees outfielder, Aaron Judge smashed his name into the record books. With the swing of his mighty bat, Yankee Superstar, Aaron Judge, slubbed his way into history. There it goes, sewing into history at 62. It took until the 161st game of the season, but number 99 has finally etched his name in the record books. Aaron Judge passes the great Roger Maris to break the record for most home runs in a

single season by an American League player. Ball was caught by Corey Eumans of Dallas, a vice president at Fisher Investments. He said he hasn't decided what he's going to do with the souvenir which could be worth a couple of million dollars. Well, there's a feel-good story for you. I'm glad things are finally working out for that executive at an investment firm. That's what the game is all about. Good for you, buddy.

Good for you. But yeah, huge congratulations to Aaron Judge. Right? With just one game left to go in the season, he broke the American League home run record set by Roger Maris all the way back in 1961. Think about that. 1966, that is a long ass time for a record to stand. I mean, back in 1961, you understand how long ago that was?

America didn't have a voting rights act and abortion was illegal. Very different times. Now, to be clear, this is just the American League home run record, right? not the all-time record. that. that. that. that. that. that. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that is, thi, thi, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, is thi, is a thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi clear, this is just the American League home run record, right? Not the all-time record. But some people think it should be, because everyone who's above-erran judge on the list was busted for taking performance-enhancing drugs. And whether you like it or not, this is a complicated issue. Because every player, whether they took steroids or not has some advantage over players from other errors.

You know, like Babe Ruth, he didn't have access to modern medicine. Yeah, if he pulled a muscle, the team doctor would be like, here, smoke this entire pack of cigarettes. If that doesn't work, I'll prescribe you some asbestos. Go on out there, buddy. You know, if I'm being honest, though, I don't know why we celebrate home runs in the the the the their their their their their place. Yeah, because to me all that happened is that you just lost the ball. Yeah, and now we got to get a new ball. That's like what? Ten dollars with 62 homers. That shit adds up, Aaron. And I don't know if you heard, but America's 31 trillion in debt. We shouldn't be handling this shit. We can't afford it. Just getting the balls out there. You know who we should be celebrating? We should be celebrating the batches who missed the ball completely so we can keep using it. Those people are the real heroes. I'm really fun at parties. All right let's move on to

public health news. You know how the food you buy has an expiration date on it, yes, and if the food is past that date, then you throw it out unless you're a single guy and then just eat it anyway? Well, soon, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the th, the the th, th, th, th, th, the the th, th, the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, thi if the food is past that date, then you throw it out unless you're a single guy and then you just eat it anyway. Well, soon there might not even be a date at all. New this morning, concerns about global food waste are leading countries to rethink best before labels on food. Major UK grocery chains have already removed best before labels and the European Union is expected to revamp its labeling laws by the end of the year. Best Before Labels are different than used buy and have nothing to do with safety.

Critics say they could cost people to throw away perfectly good food. Yeah, thank you. This is a great idea. No, no, I'm saying that people throw out perfectly good food all the time because they think that best buy means goes bad after when it doesn't. And that's not just bad for the planet, it's an insult to the plants and the animals you get the food from. You're going to toss away some perfectly fine cheese after a cow has worked so hard to pee it out of its four penises.

Educate yourselves! And look, I do get that best before and used by, are confusing, I do get that. But it's not that hard to understand. It's sort of like guck. Think of it this way. It's best before you run out of chips. But you can still use it by dipping your finger in it when no one's looking. Can I clear that up? Yeah?

Good. Anyway, I'm glad. I'm glad they're getting rid of the best buy dates. Because if you ask me, all they need is a worst buy date. That's all you need. Yeah, that's all I want to know. When is the date that this food is going to turn my butt into a super soaker. Anything before that is fine, I don't care. All right, and finally, let's move on to some entertainment news.

One of the biggest shows right now is HBO's House of the Dragon. Yeah, huge. Everybody's loving it. And now, obviously, this is a prequel to Game of Thrones, which itself was a prequel to Friends. I'm not going to get into the the the time time the time the time the time time the time the time the the time the the the time thime thime thime thime thime thime thime thime thime thime. thime. thime. thime. thime. thi. thi. thi. thioliolome thi, thiol, that thiol, that that. that. thiol, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. I thi. I thi. I'm thiaa. I'm thia'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'ea'a'ea'a'n. I'm thia'n.to Game of Thrones, which itself was a prequel to friends. I'm not going to get into the timeline, but Russ and Rachel are siblings. It's a whole thing. Anyway, a lot of people were so disappointed in the Game of Thrones finale that they said they weren't ever going to watch House of the Dragon.

But now, even the people watching House of the Dragon are complaining that they can't watch House of the Dragon. HBO's House of Dragon is a very dark show thematically, right? But how dark does it have to be visually? Fans of the show showed their dismay. It was actually too dark to even see what was going on in the scene during the show, blaming the lighting budget? Now, the HBO Max Twitter help line was flooded with tweets from irritated fans and the network kind of brushed off the criticism they offered a boilerplate response on Twitter that read the quote dimmed lighting of the scene was an intentional creative decision. What? This was an intentional creative

look look I'm not Stephen Spielberg or Barry Jenkins I haven't directed anything but in my, if your intentional creative decision is that people can't see the TV show that you're making, then you're making a podcast, all right? That's what you mean. That's not TV. I can't see it. That's not TV.

That's a podcast. House of Dragon, brought to you by Casper Matras. But for real, have you guys noticed how this is happening on every single show these days? Everything on TV is so dark. You can't see anything. I don't know why. Oh, they're trying to make it grittier? Or they're trying to make it like, feel like a movie? Or, you know, maybe they figure if they make it dark enough then we can't complain about the cost not being diverse you're like I think that's another white person I guess I'm gonna let it slide. And right now right now HBO is facing a lot of backlash but I think if they're

smart about this this could be a good business opportunity for them. Yeah they should just add a higher price tier. Yeah think about it they should say HBO max is 999 a month or 1499 a month th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th. I th. I thi. I thi. I to thi thi to theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm thi. I'm tier. Yeah, think about it. They should say HBO Max is $9.99 a month, or $14.99 a month, if you want to be able to see what the fuck is happening. Which one you're looking for? Huh? Huh? Huh? And by the way, if you think it's bad watching a scene that dark,

put yourself aside for a moment, and just imagine how tough it must be for the characters who are in those scenes. The time has come, Lord Valerian, for us to unify the houses, and to you, Sir Christian, I beg of thee, Sir Christian, wait, is that Sir Christian, is that Sir Christian? Who is that? Jeff, is that you? Does someone have a torch or an iPhone light that can shine? No? Well, okay, just at least tell me, is this a fighting scene or a sex scene? I don't know. I don't know what... Okay, I'm just going to stumble around with my sword out and my penis out, and we'll see what happens. Okay, let's try this everybody, let's try this. Here we go, here we go.

Ah! Gas, the only character to appear in every fast and furious movie. Gas prices have been falling in America for months now, but it looks like that's about to end and just in time to throw a big, greasy wrench into the midterms. A win for Russia and potentially higher gas prices for American consumers. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G, th, th, th, th. G, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. G, th. G, th. G, th. G, th. G, th. G, th. G, th. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. Gp. G. G. Gp. G. G. G. G. G. th. th. th. t. t. tf. tf. tf. G. G. G. tf. G. G. G. th. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. the midterms. A win for Russia and potentially higher gas prices for American consumers. The OPEC Plus Alliance of Oil-producing countries announcing deep cuts in production to boost prices for their members, including Russia and Saudi Arabia. Growing concerns about the future of gas prices in the U.S. We could see an increase in prices by the end of this month just in time for midterm elections.

The worst possible timing for President Biden. This comes just three months after the president visited Saudi Arabia, the biggest player in OPEC. Biden fist bumped MBS and asked him to increase oil production. Instead, Saudi Arabia did the opposite. Yes, America's ally Saudi Arabia has decided to take sides with Russia and raise oil prices. And at this point, I'm really struggling to understand the relationship between America and Saudi Arabia. Because it seems like a very one-sided friendship. America sells them weapons and ignores their many human rights abuses.

And then Saudi Arabia's like, and in return, we will kill your journalists and raise your gas prices and do 9-11s. Thank you, thank you, th you, my friend, thank you. We're such good friends, such good friends. But I guess that's the power you have when you're in control of all the energy, right? I mean, America can't even threaten the Saudis. What's Biden going to say? If you raise the prices, we'll fly over there and bomb the shit out of you. If you can just lend us some gas And whether you are Democrats or a Republican, you have to admit that this is not a good look for Biden. Because think about it, he had to fly all the way across the world to fist bump the crown prince. And in exchange, he gets a pie in his face. Honestly, sometimes I feel like the Saudis are just pranking American presidents.

You know? Yeah, like you remember how they were with Trump? They were like, here, do this sword dance. Dance with the sword. Dance. Now, put your hands on the glowing ore. Oh my God, he's doing it, guys, he's doing it. He's doing it. He's doing it. Americans are so thirsty. Ha ha ha. Now, if we had time, we could talk about how America has painted itself into this corner by pushing both Venezuela and Iran so far out of the world economy that they can't help stabilize

world oil prices. We could even talk about how gasoline comes from dinosaurs, which is crazy! But we don't have the time to talk about any of that because while Saudi Arabia is coming for your wallet, drug dealers are coming for your kids. Urgent Halloween, Rainbow Fentanil. This is every parent's worst nightmare. In New York City, 15,000 rainbow fentanyl pills seized from a car just days ago, many of them found in this yellow Lego box. The DEA calling rainbow fentanyl a deliberate effort by drug traffickers to drive addiction among kids and young adults.

But medical specialists contacted by ABC say there has not been evidence presented that the pills are being given to or targeted towards children. No, the children! Not the children. They're being targeted, although there's no evidence of that. But what if there was? The children! What is it about American news that every year they find a new story to scare parents about Halloween every single year in this country? Oh, they're going to put razorblaze in the candy. They're going to poison the candy.

They're going to switch out the real candy for weed. It's almost like every single October. The news is like, well, this Halloween, hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer. What are you doing? People need to stop fear-mongering. The worst thing anyone gives to kids on Halloween is like a mounds bar. That's it. Yeah. Those things are so bad.

Even the company that makes them is like, oh, let's just name it this logic. Let's play along. What are you saying? You're saying that drug dealers are trying to get little children addicted to drugs? So then what? They can use the millions they've made from the tooth fairy to keep the drug business alive? Drug dealers want customers, not dependents. These kids don't have the money for fentanyl? What, they're going to be walking up to a dog dealer? I can pay you in stickers but not the glitter ones, those are my favorite. And don't cut that shit like the last time, Marty. I want the pure stuff. Stop fear-mongering. And look, I'm not saying that drugs aren't an issue. I'm saying stop fear-mongering to the parents. I see why this is happening. Right now, Rainbow Fentanyl is the hot new panic drug. And people, I know Rainbow Fentanyl is scary.

But can we just take a minute to congratulate it for being an ally? Huh? Hey, cocaine, maybe your white ass could learn a thi. about that white all the time. Now if we had the time we could talk more about how American news organizations are some of the worst offenders in sensationalizing and fueling the war and drugs because their stories ensure that public support for a program that has decimated communities and incarcerated half of the United States carries on but we don't have the time for that

because while local news is trying to pump up of the damage it's caused. More breaking news at this hour, President Biden just pardoned thousands of people convicted of marijuana possession under federal law. And the pardons will impact about 6,500 people with simple marijuana possession convictions between the years 1992 and 2021. He's also asking the Secretary of HHS to review how we classify cannabis marijuana in this country. Pointing out that marijuana is classified on the same level as heroin. He wants his administration to take another look at that. Too many lives have been upended because of our failed approach to marijuana.

It's time that we write these wrongs. Yes. Finally, This is something that should have been done a long time ago. You know? You imagine how many people are incarcerated? Even worse, can you imagine getting pardoned for this after seeing how mainstream weed has become in America? I bet witches probably feel the same way, you know? It's like, oh, so these hipster chicks can walk around Brooklyn with their candles and crystals, but when I did it in Salem, I got burned, bitches, I got burned!

But yes, this is great for America. This is really good for America. And it's also huge, this is a huge week for the characters on Scooby-Doo. Think about it. Yeah, first Velma comes out as a lesbian and now Shaggy's getting a federal pardon? What? And now, I know everyone is saying that Joe Biden is just doing this to boost his popularity before the midterms, but in my opinion, I think maybe this thing hits closer to home. I wouldn't be surprised if Joe Biden is secretly a huge pothead. Yeah, no, think about it. Think about it. Joe Biden could smoke a tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi tho tho tho tho thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi is thi is thi is thi is thi is thi is thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. thiii. thi. thi th, think about it, think about it.

Think about it. Joe Biden could smoke a lot of weed. Yeah, he's always puttering around like he forgot where he was going, you know, he's wearing sunglasses everywhere everywhere he goes. I mean, he definitely talks like he's high. America, you know the thing, I'm... No, I'm not joking, come on, man, come on. We're here now, when the future's everywhere. It's everywhere.

It's here. Now, if we just had a little more time, we could discuss why anyone anywhere in America is still in jail for something that almost everyone agrees isn't a crime. Or, we could talk about how convenience it is that weed is no longer bad now that America has figured out how to make money from it. But we don't have the time for that because while the US are showing signs of finally getting over its obsession with drugs, Elon Musk is unveiling his master plan to get everyone addicted to something else. After a few contentious months, Elon Musk and twioi. to their deal, and Musk is now super app that acts as a condensed version of the internet, letting you do everything

within one app. The best example of this is Wichat. It's owned by Chinese Internet giant Tensant and has over one billion users, mostly throughout Asia. Wechat lets you send text messages, pay for things online, and in stores, hail a car ride, play video games, and so much more. Must tell in Twitter employees in a town hall over the summer, Weechat could be a model for future versions of Twitter.

Yeah, Elon Musk wants to turn Twitter into a super app that does everything in one place. And I will tell you now, I hate that idea. I don't want Twitter to do more things. I like how it works now. Every day the entire world picks one person and destroys their life. And then the next day we find someone else. It's perfect. It works pretty well. For real, like Twitter is such a toxic sewer. Why would you want to link it to all the other parts of your life? It's like a businessman saying, hey, you see this trash can? What if it was also your car? And not to burst anyone's bubble, but we already have this, right? It's called an iPhone.

Seriously, are we so lazy now that we're like, oh, I want to order someone to bring me food, but the app is all the way way??? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? I? I? I? I? I to? I to? I to? I to? I to? to? too? too? to me. to me. to me. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. t t t t the the the the the to. the the the the theeeeeeeeeeee. the thee. thi. the. the. the., oh I want to order someone to bring me food, but the app is all the way on the other side of the phone and my thumb is so tired. Oh Now look if we had a little more time we could talk and we could have so much fun talking about how Elon Musk thought he was trolling all of us, but instead just spent 44 billion dollars trolling himself. And I know you might be saying, oh yeah, well, he's, he's he's he's he's he's he's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thr-a thr-a' thr-I's thr-I's thr-I's thr-------a thr-a thi, the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I'm th. I's th. I's thin thin, I's thi. I's thi. I's thi. I'll thi. I'll thi. I'll thi. I'm thin thin thin, thrown tha-s toda''-s today today thau-I's thr-I's he still owns Twitter Trevor yeah and somebody owned my space I'll see you guys on the next app but we don't have the time to talk about any of that because someone somewhere in the world says something by mistake and now all of us on Twitter are gonna try and destroy their lives before we go please consider supporting the Alejandre foundation they're an organization that helps the Latin community access mental health therapy services So if you want to support them in this important work, then please donate at the link below

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