The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories | King Charles Throws a Fit Over Leaky Pens

Episode Date: September 17, 2022

King Charles throws a fit over leaky pens, Ron DeSantis sends migrants to Martha’s Vineyard, and “The Little Mermaid” spurs racist comments. Here’s what happened this week. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Following last week's extreme heat, California has announced that they will become the first state to introduce a ranking system for heat waves so people can easily understand how hot it's going to get. Which, isn't that just temperature? Did they just invent the thermometer? I guess I could see how this will be useful. It'll be like hot, extremely hot, dangerously hot, and then Idris Alba.

And if it's Idris Alba, stay indoors. Stay indoors and check on your grandmother. In economic news, on Tuesday, the government reported that despite raising interest rates, inflation is still incredibly high. And in response, the stock market dropped 1,300 points, the worst drop since 2020. And can I just say, the stock market is a little bitch. No, I mean, every single one of us, we're supposed to be realizing inflation. In inflation, inflation, inflation, the inflation, the inflation, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on the, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on the, on the, on the, on the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the say, the stock market is a little bitch. No, I mean, every single one of us, we're supposed to be realizing inflation, inflation down, unemployment, we just have to do it, we roll with it, but the slightest bad news

and the stock market's like, oh, I'm crashing. This is my worst day in two years. I don't think I can't ever come back from this. And then every time the next day it'll be like the next, the next day, the next day, the next day, it'll the next day, it'll the next day, it'll the next day, it'll the next day, it'll the next day, it'll the next day, it'll the next day, it'll the next, it'll the next, the next, the next, the next, the next, the next, the next, the next, the next, we'll the next, we'll the next, we'll the next, we'll the next, wetime the next day it'll be like, so I might have reacted a little harshly yesterday, I might have overreacted, and I feel like, today's gonna be my best day ever! So much drama. In science news, NASA is testing a new planetary defense system by launching a space probe directly into an asteroid to see if it can knock it off its course.

Yeah, and I guess if that doesn't work, I'm assuming NASA's going to go with plan B, which is talking to the asteroid about Bitcoin until it naturally veers away. She's going to drift away from Earth. But let's move on to the big news of the day. And it is still about Queen Elizabeth the second. Queen of the Andles and the first man. Kallisi of the great Grass Sea and Wales, mother of corgis and maker of chains. After 96 years of living her best life, the Queen's passing has obviously made headlines all over the globe. So, let's catch up on all those headlines Westminster, and no surprise, the British

went all out for it. Because the British love doing shit all dignified. They do. Have you seen the changing of the guard? That's a 45-minute ceremony just to clock out. So when the Queen herself dies, best believe -minute ceremony just to clock out. So when the Queen herself dies, best believe the pump was going to be everywhere. I'm talking streets filled with giant British flags. I'm talking soldiers with their fanciest hats. I'm talking a casket decked out with the royal crown on top of it, which means technically

for a while that casket was the rule of England. Yeah, I read that on Wikipedia. And officials expect that more than 700,000 mourners will come to see the Queen lying in states with people waiting up to 30 hours in a line stretching five miles long. It's basically like trying to vote in Georgia. That's how dedicated you have to be to see the Queen. But my favorite ritual, my favorite ritual in this whole thing is, is that, and this is completely true, the Royal Beekeeper has to inform the Queen's bees that the Queen had died. That is a real thing that they have to do. And look they don't have any footage of it but I feel like I can imagine that it didn't go well.

Hello everyone, hello I'm afraid I have some difficult news the Queen is dead. Yeah, no no no no not your Queen not your Queen not your Queen the Queen not your Queen calm down everyone calm down everything is going to be fine everything is going to be fine okay we have a new leader and Charles will now be the king. So oh no no no I'm coming in me! So yeah, a lot of people are mourning. But it turns out while the royal family has their official rituals, the people have their own way of mourning their beloved queen.

And Buckingham Palace has politely asked them to cut that shit out. We've also heard that authorities are asking the public to stop leaving certain gifts outside Buckingham Palace. What can you tell us about that? Yeah, so they're specifically asking people not to bring any more toy bears. So this all started during the Queen's Platinum Jubilee celebrations. The Queen participated in a video skit alongside an animated version of Paddington Bear. That was a real hit here, a sensation. And so in honor of that, people have been bringing toy bears and marmalade sandwiches, which were mentioned in Natskitt,

to the grounds of Buckingham Palace. There have been so many bears brought that the Royal Park Service is asking people not to bring any more bears and to instead bring organic tributes such as Unwrapped Flowers. Okay, hold up, hold up, hold up. This woman ruled the world's largest empire. And that's what people remember her for? People are like, oh, the lady who had tea with Paddington, yeah! Are you kidding me? She was the longest-raining queen in world history. She drove an ambulance in World War II.

She knighted legends. And she had Princess Diana killed. And you remember her from a sketch? Show some respect. Paddington bears. By the way, I'm not sure leaving a trail of teddy bears. the palace is a good idea. I mean, that's already how Prince Andrew finds his girlfriends.

But it's not just marmalade and bears. People are leaving all sorts of things. They're leaving flowers, they're leaving pictures. I'll tell you, well, this is a great opportunity to get rid of anything that you don't want to just disguise it as a gift. She'd be like, oh, our glorious queen, I honor you with this Ottoman that has a wobbly leg. It is it it it it. It is it is it is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is thiii. It is thi. It is from thi. It is from thu-a, it is from thus, it is from thus, it is from thus, it is from thus, it is tho-a, it is thi, thus, tho-a' tho-a' tho-a'er-a'er-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thii. thiii. thiii. thii. thiiii. thiii. thii. thi. thi-a, thi. thi-a, thi-a, thi-a, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. theeeeeeeeease theeeeeea'er. People theea'erer. People th great Swedish kingdom of IKEA. But while some people and bees are mourning her majesty's passing, many other people are having a slightly different reaction. Not everything was scripted today. One person protesting Prince Andrew was quickly removed from the crowd. A day earlier it was signage not shouting that police in Edinburgh had issued.

This woman's sign was in protest at imperialism inflicted on the global south, she says, and now has been charged with breach of the peace. Another man, Simon Hill, where he was arrested and de-arrested in Oxford at a proclamation ceremony for the king after he shouted out, who elected him. I love that. I feel like everyone in the UK is amazing. It's like people heckling, you're sick old men, so I'm like, who elected him? That's a great line.

Who made you king? All right, your mom, sorry about that. Yeah. But yeah, the police in Britain have arrested people for disrupting the royal ceremonies, but with their opinions, which I was like, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, ir opinions which I was like as the crown has gotten soft. Someone's just holding a sign you realize back in the day a crowd that didn't like you their opinion would be that your body should be separated from your head now they're just holding up a sign you can just turn the other way yeah you still got a neck use it like you're gonna arrest a lady in Scotland for holding a sign? I've seen Braveheart.

When the Scottish one approaches the British crown, you'll know. You will know. And this really makes you appreciate how much freedom of speech people have you in America. Yeah, you can do whatever wants here. You can say, fuck the president, you can give a congressman, you can try to murder the vice president. It's all free speech baby. It's all free speech. And the backlash. The backlash to the British monarchy hasn't just been coming from the United Kingdom itself. Because in many parts of the world, especially Africa. People have a very different relationship with the Queen. Across the African continent there have been people who are saying I will not mourn for Queen Elizabeth. They heard it more than a million people in tellif-a. people. people. people. people. the their people. their their their their their th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And thi. And thi thi th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And their th. And their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And thi thi thi thi thi thin thin thin thin thin tiny tiny tiny telli telli telli telli the thi thi thi thi thi thi. And thi. Across the African continent, there have been people who are saying, I will not mourn for

Queen Elizabeth. They heard it more than a million people into a concentration camps where they were tortured and dehumanized, which is why you see a statement like this from the South African opposition party, the economic freedom fighters that said, we do not mourn the death of Elizabeth, because to us, her death is a tr-deoe, the death, thape, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thr-a, thr-a, thr-a, thr-a, thr-a, thr-a, thi, thi, thr-a, and a thr-a, and a tho, and a tho, and a tho, and, and a th, and a th, and a th, and, and, and a th, and a th, and a th, and a th, and a th, and a th, and a th, and a th, and a th, and a thi, and a thi, and a thr-a, and a thr-a, and a thr-a-a-a-a-a-a-s, anda-s, anda-s, anda-s, throer, and, anda-augh, and, and, throer, and, throer, and, and, throer, and, anda, anda,ic period in this country and Africa's history. During her 70-year reign as Queen, she never once acknowledged the atrocities that her family inflicted on many or native people that Britain invaded across the world. If there is really life and justice after death, may Elizabeth and her ancestors get what they deserve.

May Elizabeth and her ancestors get what they deserve. You know what I love about that line is that you can't really get angry because if you do then it means that you acknowledge what she deserves is bad. May she get what she did? How dare you say that? Well, what does she deserve? I don't know. And I know some of these reactions seem extreme, but when you consider what the British Empire did, these reactions are actually pretty reasonable. You can't expect the oppressed to mourn the oppressor.

It's never going to happen. It would be like giving a eulogy for the guy who stole your hubcaps. I didn't know Maurice well, but he was definitely a go-getter. By the way, has anyone seen my hubcaps? And I know some people would say, but look, Trevor, the Queen wasn't really in charge. She's just a figurehead. You can't blame her for the atrocities that the British Empire committed. Yeah, yeah, fair enough. But you't even one like notes apopology on her Twitter, nothing. I mean, her crown, her crown still has that big ass diamond that they took from South Africa.

It still has the color and the diamond. It is the ultimate conflict diamond. The least you could do is give it back to who? I don't know. I don't know. But like you could you could you could you could you could you could you could you could you could you could you could you could you could th, you could th, you could th, th, but like, you could th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, but, th, but, but, but, but, but, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th.... th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, tho, could try. You know, find a South African who hosts a late-night TV show. It could be any one of them, you know. Then we'll be on the park to forgiveness. There is a ton of baggage surrounding the British monarchy.

And it has a lot of people asking questions about its future. Should it continue? Should they make Ted Lassow the Queen? You know, he might surprise you? Should British taxpayers have to continue funding the royal family? Or should they just privatize it? The Crypto. the Crypto.

to tak a lot of work to shape the monarchy into something that everyone can get behind. But based on his first week in power, it looks like King Charles isn't the guy to do it. We begin with King Charles and his problems with pen. His reign to this point has been marked by pen problems. The latest was in Northern Ireland, where he wrote the wrong date on a document and then the pen started leaking. And that trouble came just going to get to the bathroom. And that trouble came just to get to the book. He was doing everything the stick he was.

And that trouble came just days after Charles appeared to get angry when there were too many pens on a desk he was using, urgently telling an aid to get rid of them. Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry. What the hell was that? Did you see that thing he did? He's also the rule of an animal kingdom? He's also the rule of an animal kingdom. Ah ha ha! And by the way, I love how Charles says the pens leak on him all the time.

You see the way he's the bloody thing. You're literally the king of England, dude. If you don't like the pens, get different pens. I'm not an expert in the monarchy. But I'm pretty sure the hierarchy doesn't go, Prince William, King Charles, and then the guy who buys the pens. I don't think that's how thia thia thua thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the thi the thi the the thi the thi the thi the thr- thr- thrown, thr- thrown, thr- thrown, thrown. thr- thr- thr- thr- thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th. He th th th that that that that that that that that that that that thr. He's the the an the an the an thean thean thean thean thean thean thean thean thean theee an the an the an ththe pens. I don't think that's how it goes. Just get a new pen. I will say, though, I feel kind of bad for him. I do, because in the old days, the king would have never had these issues. I don't know, there'd be no leaking pens.

Also, the king would never get corrected after writing the wrong date. That just would have been the king would just be like, Valentine's Day is the 15th, right? It's like, oh yes, of course, my lord, of course, my lord. Cancel your dinner, everybody! I don't care if you are going to propose, just cancel it, Patsy, cancel it! Now look, maybe King Charles is just stressed out right now. Maybe that's why this is happening. Because becoming king is a lot of pressure. 15 different forks to memorize and you have to sleep with that crown on. That's not comfortable. But if you paid attention to King Charles back during his prince days, you would know that

this is pretty much how he's always been. The Prince of Wales has grown up in such a privileged lifestyle that he doesn't have mechanics to choose for himself anymore. Everything he's done for him. His pajamas are pressed every morning. His chulaces are pressed flat with an iron. The water temperature has to be just tepid and only half full. Prince Charles does have his valet squeeze one inch of toothpaste onto his toothbrush every morning. If anyone gets anything wrong, everybody is scolded.

On one occasion, he rang me from his library and he said, Oh, um, Paul, a letter from the Queen seems to have fallen into my waste paper bin. Would you pick it out? The waste paper bin was there. He was sat there. I had to bend down into the paper bin and pick out the letter, put it back on his desk. Would that be all, your all, highness? Your what? This guy had to bend down and pick something up for Charles. Like, when I was a kid, I thought kings had to pull swords out of stones.

This dude can barely pull his dick out of his own pants. Percy, I need assistance. Well, cancel your dinner. I need to pee. You know what this tells you? This story about Charles is, one, the royals have been royally spoiled. And two, I can tell you that nobody who works in that palace is African. Because I'll tell you now, if there was one African mom who worked in that palace,

you try and pull that. Just be over there. Just be like, can you come and pick this up for me? And she'd be like, are you, are you being serious right now? Are you telling telling to to to to to to to to to pick to pick to pick to pick to pick to pick to pick to pick to pick to pick to pick to pick to pick to pick to pick up their, their, their, their, their, the, the, the, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, they...... they. they. they. Ioomome, thoome.a, thoomorrow, thoooooooooooomea, that, that, that, tha me to pick up, I am the, there is only one king and that is Jesus, huh? There is only one king in this world and that is Jesus? You pick up that paper, you pick up that paper now, Charles. But look, instead of getting angry, maybe we need to understand that the Royals aren't ordinary people. You know, they're like strange creatures. You need to observe from a distance to understand.

And that's probably why David Attenborough has teamed up with the BBC once again for a new kind of nature show. Here we have a rare sighting of the Silverhead Charts, who has just been made leader of his island kingdom, he is the alpha now, and he is not afraid to display his dominance. The rest of the tribe watches as the alver performs a ceremonial task, the ritualistic marking of his territory on an incredibly large pace of paper. But wait, Charles is displeased, a tussle over the positioning of a pen. He bears his teeth in an attempt to intimidate.

You can feel this chanthus. A message has been sent. Your new ruler isn't fucking around. Let's kick things off with one of the most amazing and positive stories involving a billionaire. You know how most billionaires only seem to want to get more and more and more billions so that I guess they can afford the new iPhone? Well it turns out not every super rich person thinks like that. An extraordinary act of charity, the founder of the outdoor gear and clothing brand Patagonia

has given away his three billion dollar company. Ownership has now been transferred to especially created trust that is going to use any profits not reinvested in the business to fight climate change. That's expected to be roughly 100 million dollars a year. Evan Schenard who started Patagonia roughly a half century ago said, quote, we are making Earth our only shareholder. Wow! The founder of Patagonia decided being a billionaire was too much bowling for any one person and so he's decided to give all the money away.

Which, which when you think about it is actually the most baler move of all time, huh? Yeah, because who's more of a baller? The person who has a billion dollars or the person who literally uses their billion dollars to make it rain? That's what he's doing, because the earth is going through a drought. He saw what happened in California's like, I'm going to make it rain. And who would have thought that a the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to be to be their, to be, their, to be, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because their, because tho, because, their, because, because tho, because tho, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because their their their their their their their their their their tho's to to to to thi's thi's thi's their thi. So, their, tho. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. their, tho. Hea. Hea. th. thoooo. the. thooooo. So, is tho. too.. And who would have thought that a billionaire could give away his money to help the planet instead of trying to escape it in a penis rocket? I didn't even know that was possible. I didn't know, but apparently you can. And if I'm the Earth, this is great news for me. Because I mean, yeah, pollution is killing me, but now I'm rich enough to stunt on other planets? Where's your private jet Pluto? Pluto? Are you? I'm th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I don't th. I didn't th. I didn't th. I didn't th. I didn't th. I didn't even th. I didn't even th. I didn't even th. I didn't even th. I didn't even that I didn't that I didn't that. I didn't that. I didn't that. I didn't that. I didn't that. I didn't that. I didn't that. I didn't that. I didn't th. I didn't th. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't th. I didn't th. I didn't th. I didn't th. I didn't th. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't even th. I didn't know. I didn't even th. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know.vanchinad's kids when they try to explain

why they didn't inherit their dad's billions, you know? It's like, so did your father give you the money? It's like, no, he gave it to a polar bear. It's like, damn, you probably suck. Now, if we had more time, we could talk about and not be a billionaire. And he's showing that hypercapitalism isn't the only way a business can run. And it can still be successful, and it can still make money, and it can contribute as much as it gets. But we don't have the time to talk about of that epidemic. Because while the owner of Patagonia is trying to be the earth's biggest advocate,

Florida governor, Ronda, Rond-S, is the governor, is the governor, is the governor, Ronda, is tho, immigration overnight. The governor of Florida taking credit for sending at least two planes filled with migrants to the wealthy Massachusetts island of Martha's Vineyard. The planes carried 50 migrants from Venezuela, the island community was given no heads up about it. All they did was see some planes and a bunch of people come off. The group arrived with children and some elderly family members, all of whom could not speak English. The community, though, banded together. They helped them, they set them up in a nearby church overnight. Now, what's truly bizarre about the situation is all of these immigrants came from Texas,

and it appears only the planes were provided by Florida specifically to bring them here. You know, there's assholes, and then there's this guy. No, because you know sometimes, you know, someone is so terrible, the word asshole doesn't quite capture their essence enough, you know? Yeah, because everyone is an asshole, like my neighbor's an asshole, you know? Drivers and traffic are assholes. Hell, I'm an asshole. But Ron DeSanthanks, he's like, he's like the little edges, the little ridges around the asshole that really catch all the shit. And because I can't show you that on TV, here's a picture of Estano's mole so you know exactly what I'm trying to say.

It's those little... Because here's the thing, remember, Ron de Sanctus is the governor of Florida. So why is he grabbing refugees in Texas and shipping them to Massachusetts? Why? So he can prove that America's immigration system is broken? Yeah, everyone knows that. But instead of pushing lawmakers to actually reform the system, he's using taxpayer money to what, go viral? Because this is what he wants to do, right?

And this is what gets to me. If you told the sanctus to spend the same amount of money money, tooomomomomomomom, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, too, too, too, too, too, too, to to to, to the the, but, but, but their, but, but their, but, but their, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, the the the the the the the the the the, but, but, the the the the the the the the to, the too, too, the the too, the the the their, their, their, their, too, too, too, too, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to too, but, but, but, their, their, but, the funding for that, but to troll the Democrat, suddenly he's like, put it on my card, yeah. And by the way, America actually has a history of doing this. Yeah, in the 1960s, racist organizations in the South shipped black people up to northern states to make liberals uncomfortable. But Rhonda Sanctus obviously doesn't know all too happy to put tons of resources into resources into destabilizing Central and South American countries, but when the effects of that destabilization of the felt in America. But when the effects of that destabilization of Feltz in America, suddenly they don't have the money to pay for the happening under the sea. The new trailer for the live-action remake of The Little Mermaid already has more than a hundred million views.

While it's got a lot of fans, it is also being attacked by some internet trolls. The actress Hallie Bailey stars as Ariel in Disney's new live action film, and she looks nothing like the animated Little Mermaid with red hair from the original 1989 classic. The trailer has received more than 1.5 million dislikes on YouTube. Then there are the ugly racist tweets. The Little Mermaid is white, not black. Really people, we're doing this again? Huh? She looks nothing like they're nothing like they're, huh? They both have the red... She looks nothing like her. How do I even know that she's a mermaid? Once again, a bunch of internet racists are upset

that a fictional character is being played by a black person. And honestly, I don't know what the big deal is. You guys realize that Nemo was Black too, right? Yeah. Yeah, that whole movie was about a fish who can't find his dad. Yeah, calm down, calm down. I can say that because my dad left and he's white, so who's racist now? This is so ridiculous. First of all, of course, the Little Mermaid is black. Everyone whose name starts with Lil' Naz' Wayne, Lil Nazex, Little Kim.

Honestly, if you heard that there was a woman named Little Mermaid, you just assume that she's on a track with Cardi B. You know, with my wet-ass flippers. So look, stop being ridiculous. It's imaginary. You know, I hope this scandal doesn't overshadow the rest of the movie. The Little Mermaid is a beautiful story about a young woman, her core identity to please a man. Let's not forget about that people. Look if we had more time we could talk about how Disney already created a black mermaid 30 years ago and nobody cared or how there's still

plenty of white princesses for little girls whose dream it is to be in a monarchy. And let's not forget you can still watch the original Little Mermaid. It's not like if you try to turn it on, Mickey's gonna jump out of the screen and be like, you're racist. Ha! But we don't have time for that. Because racism isn't just on Twitter. It turns out it's also ruining the NBA. This evening, the today's toeeeeehea, the the major, tooometeen, tooometeen, tooom. They find him $10 million after a nearly year-long investigation that detailed inappropriate

behavior during his 18 years with the team. The league says Sarver, whose teams are mostly black, repeated the N-word five times, bullied employees and sent pornographic material, including a video to staffers. Sarver also allegedly made jokes frequently to employees in large and small settings about sex and sex-related anatomy. Who? They say this guy was using the n-word, he was bullying people, and there was sexual harassment. That's a triple, double in HR violations. I mean, how do you justify sending porn to your employees? What are you doing? What's the rationale? It's being like, do you see that gang-bang video that I emailed you? Well, that's the kind the kind the kind the kind the kind the kind the kind the kind the kind the kind the kind the kind the kind the kind the kind What's the rationale? He's been like, do you see that gang-bang video that I emailed you?

Well, that's the kind of teamwork I want to see in the court tonight, people! Come on, get out there! Now, to be fair, to be fair, Saver wasn't calling black people the n-word, all right? He was just allegedly repeating black people's use of the n-wordword,then complaining about why he couldn't say it but they could but he was saying it. So he isn't necessarily racist but he's definitely a moron. And here's what I don't get. Here's what I don't get. If you're someone who wants to walk around saying the n-word, then pretty much the worst place in the world for you is the NBA. Because I love saying the N-word and I hate the sound of squeaky shoes.

Well, my man, you chose the wrong field. Now, if we had more time, we could talk about whether or not a one-year suspension is enough of a punishment for what this owner has done. Because if you can't learn in five minutes that you shouldn't be saying the NBA is dealing with one bad owner, there's a scandal in the chess world right now that is shaking the entire sport. A cheating scandal is rocking the world of chess like never before. After world chess champion Magnus Carlson recently lost a match to young up-incomer Hans

Neiman, Carlson abruptly quit the tournament and then posted a cryptic tweet that many interpreted as an accusation that Neiman had cheated. Since then, speculation has run wild about how Neiman could have cheated with some people suggesting that some kind of wearable, vibrating device could have been feeding him moves. A world champion has never withdrawn from a chess tournament before this in the history of the game of chess. So it's really unprecedented. Yeah, you damn right, this is unprecedented. A chess grandmaster might have been cheating. That is disgusting! The game of chess is sacred.

It's an ancient game of skill and strategy with the little horses that you play with. Ea-h-h-hyshap! Now, even though lots of people are accusing Neiman of cheating, nobody can say exactly how he did it. Although, you may have heard them say vibrating. Yeah, the one theory which the internet is running wild with is that he used vibrating anal beads to tell him what moves to make.

Which I know sounds nuts, but I get why someone would use vibrating anal beads to cheat, you know, because even if you lose, you still kind of win, you know? You know? And let's be clear. Let us be clear. There is absolutely no place for sex toys in the game of chess. Except for the pawns and the bishop, if you're nasty. Before we go, please consider supporting a vibrant emotional health. They're a non-profit dedicated to helping people achieve emotional well-being with innovative community programs as well as the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

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