The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories - Mass Firing Over Zoom, KKK Statue Removal & Fox News's Christmas Tree Fire

Episode Date: December 11, 2021

A CEO lays off 900 employees via Zoom, a Confederate statue of a KKK leader is removed in Nashville, TN, and Fox News's Christmas Tree catches fire in New York City. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. The new variant has now been found in 17 American states. Yeah. Omicron, the reason you need to adjust your 2022 mask budget. The new variant has now been found in 17 American states. Yeah. And honestly, by the time you see this, it'll probably be up to like 80 states. Now there is some good news. Dr. Fauci says that while it's still too early to know for sure, it looks like Omicron

spreads more easily than Delta, but maybe less severe. Which means COVID might have watered itself down so it could reach more people, like the ice cube of coronavirus. And that would be amazing if it's true. I mean like if COVID just made people sick instead of killing them, I mean that would be a game changer. You know, it's still not great, but it's better. Imagine if Freddy Kruger started giving teenagers diarrhea instead of killing them. That's a major improvement and a really weird movie. Don't you get it, man? If you poop in your dreams, you poop in your bed.

I guess I'll just wash the sheets. Oh yeah, it's gonna be a whole laundry day. Still, even if that turns out to be true, nobody wants another big wave of COVID cases. Nobody wants that. Which is why today, Mayor Bill DiBlazio announced that New York City will be the first city in the country to require all private employees to be vaccinated. Yeah. Which means you can feel better now knowing that the guy selling you your fake vaccine card on the corner, well

he's also going to be vaccinated. And thanks to fears of Omicron, there's now a surge in demand for vaccines all over the world, although not for everyone. A dentist in Italy is in hot water for trying to get his COVID vaccine and a fake arm. He turned up for the shot with a fake arm, covering his real arm, hoping the nurse wouldn't notice. But when the nurse rolled up his sleeve, she found the skin, rubbery, cold and the pigment too light. He gave me a half smile and asked me to pretend I didn't know anything and to give him the vaccine anyway and I realized that he was wearing a silicon body suit. The silicon body suit the nurse is talking about would have looked something like this.

There are several of them online for sale. So wait, so wait. This dude just put on a fake suit like he was starring in a house in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in a house in a house in a house in a house in a house in a house in a house in a house in a house in a house in a house in a house in a the house in a the house.. He. He's a the house. He's a their. He. He's a their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. Hea. Hea. Hea. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. There are several of them online for sale. So wait, so wait. This dude just put on a fake suit like he was starring in House of Gucci, and then he thought that that would fool a nurse? But man, nurses put needles in arms all day. They know what a real arm feels like. Like if a nurse feels cold, rubbery skin, they're definitely going to be like, wait a minute. I already gave Mitch McConnell his shot. Who are you?

Not to mention, this is Italy. That's the hardest place to pull off a fake arm. Hey, how come are you not moving your hands around when you talk? I'm one of those Italians who doesn't do that. I let my mouth do the talking. There is no such a thing. Look man, to be fair guys, you can't be that mad at a dentist for lying to a doctor. I mean, how many times have you gone to your dentist and said, oh yeah, I definitely flush many times a day.

He learned it from us. You know what I mean? I gotta say this, though, man, I respect the ingenuity. These people are getting more and more creative. These folks have come a long way from drinking bleach. And you've got to respect that. You started with the drink and the bleach, and then it was a little bit of the horse medicine, and then they was fake vaccine cards.

And now my man just got a whole arm on. That's what we need to start selling, dog. Fake arms? Fake yeah, fake arms. That's what we should start selling. But do you mean not encourage him? It's money. It's money to be made. People are willing to pay top.

This man bought an old, butt-necked suit on the internet to keep from getting a shot. If... You miss out on the money, man. You know I'm right. I don't know don don't don don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don don't th. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't th. I don't tho tho tho tho th. I don't. I don't. I tho tho tho. I thoom. I thoom. I thoom. I thoen. I th. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm tho tho tho the the to the too too too too too too too too too the too tho the right. Let's move on from COVID to the other big event that sweeps the whole world The Olympics. It's when all the nations of the world compete to see who has the best steroids They're also a chance for countries to come together in harmony despite their differences, but sometimes there are some differences that are too big to set aside and that's when it's time to play a new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new to play new to play new to play to play to play to play to play to play to play to to to to to to to to to the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. to. to. their. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. their that's when it's time to play a new Olympic sport. Hardball.

Now to more breaking news, the US will not send any diplomatic representatives to the Beijing 2022 Winter Olympics. Press Secretary Gensocki announced the boycott, citing China's ongoing genocide and human rights abuses. In the past, First Ladies, even presidents have led the U.S. delegation to the Olympics, but this move by the Biden administration will mean no U.S. government officials attend in protest of China's human rights abuses. American athletes, however, will still be allowed to compete. Wow, wow, wow. That's huge. There will be no American government officials

at the Olympics, which means if they want to watch it, they'll have to do it the way the rest of us do, by turning on the TV and then getting bored after three minutes and then turning it off. And that's a real shame that the American officials won't be at the Olympics, because you realize Kamela Harris to be the first black woman to watch a today............... toe. toe. toe. toe. toe, toe, toe, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the thi. the thi. thr. the the to the to the to the the the the to to to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th........ t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. tmse. tme, tme, tme, tme. tm. te. te.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e. te. te. te. te me that Joe Biden would do this. It doesn't surprise me at all. For one thing, he cares deeply about human rights.

For another, he's 79 years old. I mean, he's not about to fly across 12 time zones to watch a bunch of Norwegians sweep and ice rink. That's the one cool reason to be president, right? Most of us, if we don't want to do something, we have to to to come to come to come to come to come, to do to do to do to do to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do, to do, to do, to do, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, to. the the the the the the the the the th. to. to. to. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the to, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. thi. thi. thi. thi. too. too. too. too. tooome. too. too. tooome. too. too. too. too. too, too, th th th to't want to do something, we have to come up with some lame excuse, and then everyone else shows up and talks about how we didn't come. But if you're a president, you can just be like, diplomatic boycott. No one is allowed to attend Emily's birthday brunch. Now, the reason the US is doing this diplomatic boycott of the Olympics is to protest China's abuses against the US government has declared a genocide. And when you think about it, it's a little weird to accuse an Olympic host of genocide,

but then still send all of your athletes to that country? I mean, it's genocide. At least pull out the bobslead team. Because now all you're doing is saying, you know all our boring people? Well, we're not sending them. That's the punishment. Like, if Biden really wanted to punish China, he shouldn't withhold government officials. No, he should send government officials. In fact, you know what, he should send the ones nobody can stand.

Yeah. If you want to get back, you have Marjorie Taylor Green in the stands. The only way a speed skater could move is with that quickly, that quickly, that quickly, that we'll let the Uyghurs go. Please just take her back. Hey, first off, with all this global warming, ain't like six Winter Olympics left. They should have gone. They ain't that many Winter Olympics left in the first place. And they're the bigger question I have for you, and you might know this,

because you're more international than me. What does a diplomat do? They just show up and they go, hey, man, America's good, we're good, America, make sure you like America. That's essentially a diplomat's job. They're an influencer. They're an influencer. They're just a political influencer.

That's what you do. You influence the country. If you want to make the winter Olympics more exciting. This is what they need to do, African. They need to do the summer events in the winter. That's how you get the Winter Olympics popping. I don't know shit about no bobslet, but I love track and field. Oh, you're the fastest person on the track? Let's add some ice.

See what you do now. I'm an email to hit them up real quick. Actually, I would want to watch those Olympics. You telling me Michael Phelps in Ice Water? You telling me that's not entertaining? Michael Phelps on ice is even more entertaining. Just sliding. All right, let's move on to our next story. Which is about jobs? They're how we pass the time until we die. Over the past few months, more people have been quitting their jobs than ever before.

But while that's going on, some people are still becoming unemployed the old-fashioned way by getting fired. And one CEO just came up with a new and terrible way to do it. A web boss had some brutal news for more than 900 of his workers who had just joined him on a Zoom call. You're fired less than four weeks from Christmas.

Dumped via Zoom, the mortgage startup Better.com fired 9% of the workforce in a Zoom call that lasted less than three minutes. Thank you for joining. I come to you with not great news. This is the second time in my career. I'm doing this, and I do not, do not want to do this. The last time I did it, I cried.

This time I hope to be stronger. If you're on this call, you are part of the unlucky group being laid off. Your employment here is terminated effective immediately. Okay, first of all, you can't say if you're on this call, you're unlucky enough, like the call was an optional thing and then people got tricked into it. That's some bullshit. If you're on this call, well I'm not on this call. Am I still fired? It's f-fired out of here, man. 900 people getting fired at once. That's not a firing. That's a rapture. I mean. thapapapapap. I. I. thine. thine. thine. thine. th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. theea. th. th. thea. th. th. th. th. th. theea. th. thea. their. their. their. rapture. I mean a big group firing is the most impersonal thing you can do. If you respect an employee, you should have the decency to sit down and tell them to their face why you think they suck. And to be fired over Zoom is especially tough because I mean you can't storm out all dramatic.

You know if you fight in the office you'll be working for me one day. Bang! But on Zoom you have to be like, you'll all be working for me one day! Wait, where's the leave? Leave me? No, that's gallery view. That's mute. Am I gone? No. Okay, you'll all be working for me one day. Hold on. Hey, how do I, how do I quit the thing? How do I, uh, can Dennis help me with this? Can we get Dennis to help me? I can't... Yeah, the button's not working for me to leave. Oh, man, I hope you guys are working for me one day so you can help me with this kind of stuff. You know, the worst part for me was how the CEO made it all about himself as well. Oh, this is so tough. I hope I don't cry again. What are the people thii thi th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. Yeah, thi. Yeah, thi. Yeah, thi. Yeah, thi. Yeah, thi. Yeah, thi. Yeah, th people supposed to do? Comfort you for firing them? There, there, it's okay, I am expendable. I get it, I get it.

I mean, not to mention, I don't think anyone should ever get fired before Christmas. You know, it totally ruins the season. If you're going to fire someone on a holiday, you do it on Valentine's Day. something, but Abbas set me free. President Biden held a video meeting with Vladimir Putin to warn him not to invade Ukraine. Yeah. And a video chat is a tough way for both of these guys to do diplomacy. I mean, especially because even when he's in person, Biden talks like he's got a bad connection. Man, come on, man, Vlad, you gotta, you know what the thing we're trying to do in the border, you gotta, man, we gotta, come on, man, look.

Joe, you're cutting out. No, Joe, I cannot hear you're cutting. Reboot your, you know what, I reboot for you. I have access to White technology news. Everyone loves Tesla cars. They're like if a Prius did Iowaska. But now, they're on a fire for a new feature that allows drivers to play video games, like Solitaire, on the dashboard screen while driving. Yeah, which, guys, come on.

How are we supposed to drive and play video games? And text, and eat breakfast, and do our makeup, and flip and flip eat breakfast and do our makeup and flip with other drivers for not paying attention to the road? It's too much now people. And also I can't emphasize this enough. It's not worth dying in a car crash just to play a video game. I mean at least not solitaire. No, if God of war was on there then yeah, I'll drive off a cliff. But Solitaire, shit, St. Peter will be roasting your ass at the Pearly Gates. Solitaire? Your bitch ass died for Solitaire? Oh, this shit is hilarious.

Your mother, Teresa, come here this, come here this. Yeah, bring Jeffrey Epstein with you. Oh, the shit is crazy. Wait, what's it. What's gonna let that, thie, they, they, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. thi, thi, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th's, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to's, to's, to's, to's, thi. to's thi. thi. So, thi. So, that didn't happen guys? We're just gonna let that go. How did he get into it? All right, let's make like every bachelorette party and go to Nashville, Tennessee, where another Confederate statue has been removed.

This time, it's one that was put up in the 1990s. Yeah, and it's actually the one Confederate statue that I feel should have been kept up. Because I mean, look at it. This shit is hilarious. When have you ever seen a statue where the general looks like he's shooting his way out of a salute, you know? He's like, his horse doesn't even have rains.

Every other statue, the general says like a wise old man. This dude looks like he stole a horse and red-dead redemption. I'm getting out of here! Ah! I mean, look at his face. I've never seen a statue that's panicked. Who makes a statue of your moment of panic? He looks like he found out, he just found out, what a Barack Obama is. They said, what?

He's the other statues, then both sides win. Yeah. And if this general really did look like this in real life, I think it would explain a lot. You know, he's probably the first guy at the clan rally who said, You know what, we should all wear pillowcases over our faces. You mean to scare the darkies. Oh yeah, sure, that's why. For centuries, humans have thought that the moon is as barren and empty as Chris Cuomo's

work schedule. But that might all be about to change. China's Moon Rover has spotted a mystery object on the horizon while working its way across a crater on the far side of the moon. In this photo, it's about 260 feet away and you can see what looks like right angles on a square object. The rover is expected to spend the next two to three months trying to get closer. The cube shaped object was described in Chinese as, quote, a mystery hut. Uh, no. No. Hale no. Anything called a mystery hut. Uh, no. Hell no. Anything called a mystery hut you better stay away from. I mean, best case scenario, it's a pizza place that picks the topings for you.

But most likely you're just going to get molested. And by the way, what was that about? Did you hear that where they said, it's going to take two to three months to reach the mystery hut that's 260 feet away? Well, what did they send up there? Door Dash driver? Oh, he's got to complete deliveries on other planets first and then he'll be right there. Here's an idea. Here's an idea. What if we leave the mystery hut alone? I mean, I'm just saying between a pandemic and climate change. Maybe now's not a great time to risk opening up an ancient box that we found on the moon. I mean, chances are, it's probably just gonna be a boulder or something,

because let's be honest, the moon is boring. You know, it should be this incredible thing, but whenever we get news from space scientists, it always feels like we're hanging out with like a today. I found a bigger walk! Jesus Christ, well done, scientist. But let's move on, from the least inhabited place to the most. New York City. The holidays are a great time of year here in New York.

The store windows are decorated, the roquettes are performing, and if you're really lucky, a beautiful snowfall will trap all of the dog poop and garbage on the street for three months after which it'll thaw and fill the air with the sweet smells of spring. But apparently not every New Yorker has the holiday spirit, because last night someone set fire to the 50-foot Christmas tree outside the Fox News Studios. And it's not clear how this happened. I mean, it could be an accident, could be arson, could be Santifa.

It's not clear. And unfortunately, we can't ask the tree, because like all Fox employees, it had to sign an NDA. But for the network that invented the war on Christmas, this turned out to be the best gift that they could have asked for. I think it tella it the the the the the th th th th th th th the it the it thi te it te te te tha tha tha tha tha tha tha thas thas than't thus. thus thio. their their thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tha. tha. tha. It's tha. It's tha. It's tha. It's tha. tha. thauu. thau. thau. tea. tea. tree. tfea. tree. tree. tfea. tree. tree. tree. tfea. tea. tea. tfea. I think it tells the bigger story. I mean, since this is, this city is so out of control. So out of control. It's supposed to be midtown Manhattan. We, this city we used to love.

It goes to the larger issue of safety. And we have been talking for a very long time. This city has gone south when we go home at night. Think about it, who, to Ansela's earlier point, who sets a Christmas tree on fire? It's a tree that unites us, that brings us together. It's about the Christmas spirit. It is about the holiday season. It's about Jesus. It's about Hanukkah.

It is about everything that we stand for as a country. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the thi, thi, th, th, th, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, tree. And, tree. And, tree, tree, tree, tree, tree, ttree, ttree, tree, tree, ttree, tree, tree, tree, tree, tree, tree, t wait, wait. Wait, wait. Wait, a Christmas tree represents a lot of things, but one thing it definitely does not represent is Hanukkah. I mean if it did, that tree would have had to burn for eight days. Come on, people. I mean, that's a weird thing for anyone to say, but instead of happy holidays. And now all of a sudden, the Christmas tree is half Jewish. It's all about the holidays, all the holidays. And honestly, even calling this thing a tree is such a stretch. Because I don't know if you saw this.

Once the flames went out, it turns out that this thing was just like scaffolding covered in pine needles. That's just a jungle gym with a body hair problem. But I will say this. I agree with Fox News hosts. They're totally right, people. The crime in New York has gotten out of control. The city is a war zone. Blood and death is on every corner. The rats have joined gangs.

Everybody needs to leave so that my rent can go down and I can finally find some space on the subway. But mostly because it's not safe. And there's murdered rats. The poor rats have been murdered. Sorry, wait, they're murdering. Whatever brings down my rents, guys. That's what's happening in New York. All right, and finally a story out of Finland. The country in A thruple with Norway and Sweden. Finland has one of the youngest prime ministers in the world, 36-year-old Santa Marin, and that comes with all sorts of challenges. For instance, last weekend, officials tried to text Marin to let her know that she had been exposed to COVID and

needed to isolate, but she didn't get the message right away because get this, she was out at a club until 4 a.m. Yeah, which if you ask me is pretty baller. I mean especially in Finland because they only get like one hour of sunlight a day. That means she's probably going to sleep through that, right? And people were angry. People were angry that she didn't have her phone with her, but I mean it would have the message while she was at the club. Oh shit, I might have COVID. What? I can't hear you. Cop your hands over your mouth and scream directly into my face.

But guys, I can also understand why she wouldn't be checking her messages, because, come on, how hard can it be to run Finland? The biggest debate in that country is deciding what temperature to set the sonares at. What's their stress? You know, this scandal actually just proves why America's right, though, to only elect old people. They'll never have this issue. The only reason Joe Biden would be awake at 4 a.m. is to pee.

That makes me feel safe. When the COVID pandemic first swept the world in 2020, the UK was one of the countries that were hardest hit and it responded with a national lockdown. All non-essential stores were closed, public and private gatherings were banned, and Megan and Harry were forced to socially distance 7,000 miles away. But now we're learning that some of the people who imposed the lockdown weren't obeying it themselves. Morris Johnson is facing fierce it themselves. Boris Johnson is facing fierce criticism this morning.

A leaked video shows senior Downing Street staff joking about a Christmas party thrown by the British Prime Minister during last year's Tier 3 COVID lockdown. This video shows AIDS rehearsing for a briefing, four days after the alleged party. I've just seen reports on Twitter, but there was a Downing Street Christmas party on Friday night. Do you recognize those reports? I went home. Hold on, hold on. Uh, uh, what's the answer?

I don't know, I think. Was the party? It was cheese and wine all right? It was a business meeting. It's recorded. This fictional It was a business meeting. I'm joking. It's just recorded. This fictional party was a business meeting. And it was not socially distanced. The insensitive remarks were recorded just days after an alleged Christmas celebration at 10 Downing Street a year ago, a time when COVID restrictions in the country

banned such gatherings, and while Britain was battling with overflowing hospitals and rising COVID deaths. In Parliament, the Prime Minister addressed the scandal. I was also furious to see that clip. I have been repeatedly assured since these allegations emerged, that there was no party and that no COVID rules were broken and that is what I have been repeatedly assured. We saw them practicing the lie and now you're going to tell us that we must believe the lie. There was no party you guys

have to believe the thing that we saw is a thing is not a thing it is a thing everybody must believe me. You know Boris, Boris would be a lot more believable if it didn't look like someone just pulled him out of a mush pit. And guys, it's not just Boris, by the way. It feels like every month we catch another politician breaking their own COVID rules. Gavin Newsom went to that fancy restaurant. The mayor of Austin flew to Cabo.

Andrew Cuomo kissed that bat. At the same time, I get I I I I I I I I I thine thine I thine thine I thoe tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. thoe, tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho, th. th. th. th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's thi. It's thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. the. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thoooooooooo. It's not tho. It's thooo. It's that bat. At the same time, I get why they broke COVID rules to have that party. I mean, people look forward all year long to the office Christmas party. It's the only chance you have to hook up with a co-worker, have everyone in the office see it, and then pretend like it never happened. It's like a whole pass from HR. But the worst part is how they're on video joking about it. I mean, it's one thing to break your own rules. It's another thing to laugh about it. It's yet another thing to videotape it. It's like they're trying to win the dumb-ass, triathlon. If they manage a scandal that badly, how do they handle the pandemic?

What? Even worse? Total disaster. Oh, that this whole thing came out a year later. You know, because this scandal is happening now, but the video is from a year ago. Because I'm sure after the first six or eight months, they probably thought it would, it was over. You know, they probably thought they got in away with it. It's almost like, imagine if you were at work, and then your eighth grade tea tea tea, and tea, and tea, in like, we finally tracked down whose gum that was under the desk, Mr. you're getting two weeks detention!

What? I'm 37. Do you want it to be three? But let's move on to a politician who never even had the chance to face calls for her resignation. Hillary Clinton, five years after somehow losing an election to the world's worst person, Hillary is hoping that her failures can become a teachable moment for the rest of us. Hillary Clinton for the first time sharing the victory speech she hoped to deliver in the 2016 presidential election. Clinton revisiting the speech as part of a masterclass video being

released today on the topic of resilience. I've never shared this with anybody. I've never read it out loud. My fellow Americans, today you sent a message to the whole world. Our values endure. Our democracy stands strong. And our motto remains, E. Pluribus Unum. Out of many, one. Oof. That's brutal. And the way she's sitting like that and she's reading it to us, it's like the world's most depressing fairy tale.

Once upon a time, an ogre crushed the dreams of a princess, and nobody lived happily ever after the end. But yes, Hillary Clinton is giving a master class on resiliency that's now available everywhere except in Wisconsin for some reason and in it she reads the victory speech that she never got to deliver and I really love how she's like I've never shared this speech with anybody before it was too painful and you're paying me how much? Oh well I guess I could read a few pages. And you know if this is a thing that we're allowed to do and someone pays you to do it, I also have speeches that I never got the chance to give.

I've got it right here. I am so honored to be named the MVP of the NBA finals. And just days after being awarded the Nobel Prize for world's coolest penis. And look, yeah, you have to admit, it's a little weird to teach a master class on the biggest loss of your life. I mean, because there's plenty of things that Hillary could teach a masterclass on. She's kicked ass in so so many things. It could be like the inner workings of Congress or international relations or, I don't want to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say the the the the the the the their their the the the the inner workings of Congress or international relations or I don't want to say killing Jeffrey Epstein. Look I'll say one thing you'll never see

Donald Trump doing this. He doesn't write back up speeches because whether he wins or loses that dude gives the same speech and my legal team completely destroyed the prosecution and I won the case. Totally won. What's that? Lights out? Okay, Night Night Night Warden. See you guys manyana.

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