The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories | Oprah Turns On Dr. Oz

Episode Date: November 12, 2022

Oprah turns on Dr. Oz just before the midterms, the Daily Show correspondents provide Election Day coverage, Republicans don't get the red wave they expected, and Twitter faces a blue check fiasco. Here’s what happened this week.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. C. Cove. the to-coveed-Covid-19. According to the CDC, there are now six new variants, all competing to become the dominant strain this winter. What they don't realize is that they're all competing with a strain that's already infected most of the country called the I don't give a

shit about any of this anymore strain. You know honestly I feel a little bad for the variant that becomes dominant now. Yeah because like everyone has stopped caring. It's kind of like if you want an early season of American Idol, then you were famous. But if you win season 34 now, it's just a story you tell your co-workers at the coffee machine, you know. I'll have my decalf. I don't know if you saw me last night, I won the American, okay, I'll have that report to you soon, thank you, sir. But remember, to all those to all to all tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, th, th, th, th. th. tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, the. the throooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. the. the. the. the. the, the,to you soon, thank you, sir. But remember, to all those COVID variants competing against each other right now, I just want you to remember, it's not about winning or losing. It's about this, all right? Getting into someone's lungs and ruining their week.

Remember that. In social media news, on Friday, Elon Musk kicked off his new job as the head of Twitter by laying off. I like how you built your boo. He kicked off as the head of Twitter by laying off half of the workforce. Yeah. He even fired the bird. It was terrible. I was last seen in a parking lot dick for worms. Oh, relax, relax. A dick is just a bigger worm. But it terrible. I was last seen in a parking lot, dick for worms. Oh, relax, relax.

A dick is just a bigger worm. But it turns out, Musk got a little ahead of himself. Because this morning, he's reportedly trying to rehire dozens of people that he just fired, after realizing that he actually needs them. And I'm going to be, I'm going to be honest, I'm going to put actually needs them. And I'm gonna be honest, I'm gonna put it out there. If he's handling Twitzlake this, I don't know how comfortable I would be going with this dude to Mars, you know?

Yeah, I don't want Elon walking into my cabin one day like, hey guys, turns out I accidentally fired the team that was bringing the oxygen, but we'll be fine if we just stop breathing breathing breathing breathing breathing Ha ha ha! Oh, in uh... In uh... In sports news, in sports news, congratulations to the Houston Astros, who beat, who beat the Philadelphia Phillies on Saturday to win the 2022 World Series. Yes. And this was great news for Texas, except for all the people who had to see Ted Cruz's smile.

And I feel bad for the people in Philly. They're blackout drunk fighting in the streets. And then they had to watch their team lose. All right, let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day. Starting once again with the midterm election. It's that time in American politics where the voters get the voters thets thets thets thets thets thets thets thets thets thets thets thets thets thets thets thets thets the the the the the the the the theaters theaters theates the the theates to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to toe toe toe to to today the the the the the th some of the biggest stories of the day. Starting once again with the midterm election. It's that time in American politics where the voters get to send their order back to the kitchen because they don't like how it tastes. Mmm, too much inflation.

Anyway, with the big day happening tomorrow, it's time for us to catch up on all the latest updates So, here we are people. After months of campaign speeches, TV ads, spam texts and fundraising emails, the midterms end tomorrow. And I'm glad, especially because I won't be getting any more of those spam texts. They were killing me. Especially the ones that start like a booty call, you know? Yeah, I'd be like, hey, Trevor you up? I'd be like, yeah, to save the Senate. Oh. But tomorrow, it all ends. And with so many tight races, both parties are pulling out all the stops.

Down to the wire, a wall-to-wall weekend of campaigning in the battlegrounds. Candidates locked in neck and neck battles, bringing out the big guns. The biggest names from both parties spanning out across the battleground states that will decide control of Congress. Three presidents, past and present, flooding Pennsylvania,

holding dueling campaign rallies. Fundamental rights are on the ballot. Democracy itself is on the ballot. Now, even Oprah Winfrey has now jumped into this race thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, to, toe, toe, toe, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, toe, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the biggest, to, to, the biggest, to, the biggest, to, the biggest, the biggest, the biggest, the biggest, to, the biggest, to, to, the biggest, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, their........ their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. their. th. thea. their. the biggest, th. the biggest, the biggest, the biggest, the biggest, the biggest, thea. the biggest, the. stakes are high. Now, even Oprah Winfrey has now jumped into this race. She discovered Dr. Oz, worked with him for years, but now announcing her endorsement of Fetterman. But I will tell you all this, if I lived in Pennsylvania, I would have already cast my vote for John Fetterman for many reasons. Wow. Oprah Winfrey. Coming out.

And not just coming out, she came out against Dr. Oz, the man she created. The TV doctor she made famous. And that's always how it goes, people. At some point in life, you have to kill the monster you create. Yeah, Dr. Frankenstein and his creature, Obey Wan and Anakin. Parents and their kids. Every parent knows the day will eventually come when you have to fight your children to the death to determine who will control the remote control.

But still, Oprah going for Federman must have broken Dr. Oz's heart. Luckily, he has the perfect cure for that. Dr. Oz's's broken heart dietary supplement. It'll enhance your mood and only turn your poop yellow some of the time. Get it now before the FDA outlaws it again. Now, it's not just Oprah. The Democrats are bringing everyone out.

Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, which you have to admit is bad news for the Democrats, right? Because the bigger names that you bring out to support you in the midterms means the worst you're doing. All right? Like, if I was a Democrat in Pennsylvania, this would be making me nervous. You know, we'll just screwed. And the truth is Democrats are nervous right now, because they've got a lot stacked up against them in this election. Inflation is high, crime is up, pickleball is taking over for some reason,

and all of that is sending Democrats into full-on panic mode. President Biden is warning that American democracy is at risk, but it may not be enough to stop a red wave tomorrow night. A lot of Democrats, whether they're elected officials, party leaders, strategists are panicked that they feel like things are not going well for them in the midterms right now. President Biden heading to traditionally blue Maryland today, after a stop Sunday in another Democratic stronghold, New York. Vote! Get out the vote now!

The president giving a last-minute boost to New York Governor Kathy Hokel, running in a now unexpectedly tight race against Congressman Lee Zeldon, and a state that hasn't elected a Republican governor in two decades. Yeah, that's how bleak it is looking for Democrats right now. They're scrambling to salvage a governor's race in New York. New York, which is crazy. New York is supposed to be a given for the Democrats. You know, this is like having to beg your stalker to like one of your posts on Instagram. It's like, come on, man, my feet are in this one.

Yeah, I know, it's just not doing it for me anymore. So yeah, the expectations are that Republicans are going to have a very good election and that Democrats are in deep trouble. But keep in mind, keep in mind, that's all based on the polls. Which I'll be honest bugs me about American politics. Because like polls are just like an idea, it's like what a person says, what they maybe are going to do. And that's why they're often wrong. In fact, these days it feels like they're wrong a lot more than they're right. You know, if you went by the polls in the last election,

like think about it, Susan Collins would have lost her election by six points. Instead, she won it by nine. Lindsay Graham was tied in the polls, Joe Biden was supposed to win by eight points. Instead, he had to steal the election. I mean, you don't know. And there are a lot of reasons. There are a lot of reasons why the polls could be off. You don't know. Maybe the polls are the poast. Maybe people who are answering or answering sarcastically, like, oh, I'd love to vote for Joe Biden. But the poll thi th's tho tho tho the only people who answer polls are the craziest people ever. Have you ever answered a poll? Huh?

No? Yeah, if you got a call from an unknown number, you don't answer? What are you a creep? In fact, any time a pollster gets someone to participate, their next call is probably to the police. It's like, hello, 911. Yeah, someone just picked up my call the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. Yeah, the poll. Yeah, the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll, the poll, the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. Yeah, the poll. Yeah, the poll. the poll. the poll. Yeah, the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. the poll. th. th. to. the th. to. the the th. the th. the the poll. the poll. the poll. You should go check their freezer for body parts. Yeah, it's worrying. But even though the 2022 election isn't over yet, it looks like the 2024 campaign might already be underway. According to reports, Donald Trump is planning to announce another run for president as soon as the midterms are over. Yeah, but he's gonna wait for the midterms first. Because he wants to do the responsible thing

and see if his election deniers get into power so they can steal the election for him. He's waiting, it's good. And even though he hasn't officially announced that he's running yet, Trump is already taking shots at some of his rivals in the GOP. Donald Trump, meanwhile, and Florida Governor Ron DeSantis held competing rallies in the state of Florida yesterday. While Trump urged Florians to vote for DeSantis in his race against Democrat Charlie Chris,

the former president also took a swipe at the governor as a potential 2024 opponent. We're winning big, big, big, big in the Republican Party for the nomination like nobody's ever seen before. Let's say, there it is. the Republican Party for the nomination like nobody's ever seen before. Let's see, there it is, Trump at 71. Ron DeSanctimonious at 10%. Mike Pence at 7. Oh, Mike's doing better than I thought.

Yeah, I thought he'd be dead by now. I guess there's always next time he's doing better. By the way, I love how Trump always gives speeches on the tarmac right in front of his plane. Have you noticed how he does, like the door is open, the stay, it's almost like he doesn't want to spend one second longer than needed with those people. He's just like, keep the engine running, I want to leave this shit whole town as soon as I say good night. In fact, just dangle me from a helicopter and pull me up when I'm done. I want to get out of here before these rednecks can touch me.

You saw what they did to Mike Pence. These people are dangerous. But the reason that speech is going viral is because of that bitchy little swipe at Ron desanctamonious. Yeah, you saw that breaking out a classic Trump nickname. I mean, at least we think it was a nickname name nickname a nickname a nickname a nickname a nickname a nickname a nickname a nickname a nickname a nickname a nickname a nickname a nickname a nickname a nickname a nickname. It could have just been Trump trying to say, DeSanctis, you know him. D'Santananias. And what makes the story even better is that apparently Trump has been privately testing nicknames for Ron DeSanctus.

Yeah. Which is amazing to me. The man is at a meeting with his team of lawyers and he's like, all right, enough of all the ways that I could go to jail. What do you guys like better? Ron DeSanctermonius, or Randa Shithead? Which one? Right now, it looks like a Trump versus DeSanter's feud feud is breaking out into the open. And you know usually when two men fight in Florida, it's at a Margaritaville at 1 a.m.

But this, this is a lot more high stakes, which is probably why a lot of Republicans are upset with Trump for going after DeSanctus. Yeah, because they're like, what are you doing? We love Ron Desanctis. He's our guy. And Trump was like, yeah, I know, that's why I hate him. Because you see, people don't realize, that's the one thing Trump hates more than anything is anyone having what he thinks should be his spotlight. That might be the thing that destroys the Republican chances in 2024. Donald Trump cannot stand not being the center of attention.

I bet he got jealous when his kids were born, you know? He's like, congratulations, it's a boy. He's like, I'm also a boy, and I've been a boy much longer. So long, many people in Narsburg will say a best boy of all time. All year long, we've been waiting to find out if Republicans will take control of Congress and stop President Biden's agenda or if Democrats will keep control of Congress and somehow stop Biden's agenda. And it's all led up to today, election day, a great day for democracy and for people who love waiting in lines, you know, another chance to smell a stranger's hair. Now you

probably heard it everywhere, you know, but many people believe this may be the most important election of our lifetimes. And yes, I know, I know, I know they said that about 2020, right? I also know that they said it about the 2018 midterms, and they definitely said it about 2016. We know which I know make some people say, well clearly none of these elections are as important as people say. They always say it's the most important election, but maybe we're thinking of it wrong. You know, maybe everything is getting worse and worse, which makes every election more and

more important. And I know I said that, like it sounded good but it's not. I get that my inflection didn't match the feeling. Thinkthink of it this way think of it this way like when you're in a car the brakes of the most important safety feature right when you're in your driveway it helps to have brakes yeah but then when you get on the road the brakes become more important yeah then you're on the freeway going a hundred miles per the break's their their their break's their break's their break's their break's their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. the their. the the the their their their the the the the the the their. the their. their is are the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their trk. their their their trik. their the the the the the the the the the the the the the their then you realize that the school bus is full of puppies, and the puppies are holding the only copy of Rihanna's new album. Now the breaks are the most important breaks about a lifetime!

Why did I take my breaks for granted? Now, luckily many people did feel like this was an important election. So all around the country, people turned up to vote everywhere from Arizona to Pennsylvania to Wisconsin to a bunch of states that the media doesn't even care about. People cast their votes in this election. And now that the voting is finished, there is some good news. You all voted perfectly, and every problem in America has been solved. Congratulations, Governor thank you. No! Are you clapping?

Being sarcastic, obviously. It's still counting the votes, so we're going to have to wait until tomorrow or two months from now, depending on how many lawsuits they are. But right now, we've got full team coverage of election night all around the country. So, let's kick things off with our very own. Roywood Jr. everybody who is live at the very classic party headquarters. Roy, Tamalcher's time for the Democrats. What's the mood like over there right now? It's nervous, Trevor. The Democrats are not expecting a good outcome tonight.

Chuck Schumer already sweating like Elon Musk looking at Twitter's balance sheet. Nancy Pelosi, Nancy Pelosi pacing so hard, she already got in her steps for the week. And Joe Biden, well, he's taking a nap. But it's a nervous nap. One of them nervous snaps, you know, like when you sleep at the wheel, you're huh, oh, oh, Arizona. Well, Roy, you know, if Democrats lose big tonight, many strategists will suggest that their campaign messages didn't resonate enough with the voters, you know, because they ran on abortion rights and saving democracy, but it seems like for most voters that wasn't a priority.

The Democrats agree with you, Trevor. That's why tonight, they're coming up with brand new campaign messages to get voters on their side. What, tonight? Do you think it's th is th is think it's think it's thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi's thi's thi's thi's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho-a' tho-a' tho-a. tho-a. tho-s. tho-s. tho-s. tho-s. thoes, thoes, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi-n't thi-n't thi-s. thi-s. thi-s. thananan't to-s. toeeeanananan't-s. toea'erer. toeanananan't-s. toeananan't-s. toea. thea. What tonight? Don't you think it's a little too late for that? Everyone's voted already. There's still people in line in Georgia and just wait until they get on Twitter and see Democrats new campaign slogan, Vote for us and we'll get rid of Mondays. It's a good way. Wait, but that's that's weird. And also then doesn't Tuesday just become the new Monday? How? No, that's not how it works it works it works it works it works it works it works it works it works. It works. It works. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's their their their their their their their th. th. th. their th. their th. thi their their thi thi th. th. th. th. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thi to to to to be to be to toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. to to to to to to the. the. the. the. the. the., but that's weird. And also then doesn't Tuesday just become the new Monday? No, no, that's not how it works, because then Tuesday, it... They got other ideas anyway, man, they got other ideas.

Oh, here's another when the Democrats are promising. They're promising to make another season of the office and for black voters Martin. They've got a new tax plan, pay what you want, and they'll make it so that everyone's team makes it to the Super Bowl. Okay, all right. Pay what you want and everybody's team make it to the Super Bowl. That's two policies traffick. But Roy, I don't understand. If everyone's team makes it to the Super Bowl, then... Hold on not done with the list. Here you come at all that all that all that all that all that all that all th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the th tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho the tho tho thi. the the ta' thae. thae. thae. thae. thae. tha-a. tha-a. the the the their their their their their their thae. thae. thae. thae. thae. thae. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. t. t. And tha. t. And te. te. te. te. te. te. te. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. te. te. te. know, I'm not done with the list. Here you come with all that damn logic. How about this one? Unlimited breadsticks at every restaurant, even the Chinese ones.

Even the Chinese restaurant. Unlimited breadsticks at Chinese restaurants. And, and, look at this list right here, man. Pumpkin spice lattes year-round, that's for basic bitches like you, Trebybys. And, if none of that works, check this out. The Democrats, here's something else they're promising. Every Oscars will have a surprise slap.

Tell me, tell me that won't be exciting. A surprise s-Sahah! tham slapping Timothy Chalibet just stop up! You know you want to see that shit. You know you want a surprise, I mean, these sound very exciting, but I mean it seems very desperate from the Democrats. Yeah, that's what I told them, but they refused to give up. And now they're talking about forgiving everything. Student loan debt, forgiven, gambling debts, forgiven. You gave an embarrassing best man speech at your boy's wedding? Forgiven.

You hear that, Vernon? You can't be mad at me no more for saying your wife looked like streck. It is what it is, bro. Get mad at me. Why would you say that during a best man speech? She started it. I came to that wedding in peace to support them. She the one who said I got I I I I I I I I I I I I got I I got I got I got I got I got I got I got I got I got I got I got that I got that I got that I got that I got that I got that I got that I got that I got that I got that I got that I got that I got that I got that I got that I got a that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the. the. the the. the the the the the the the thea thea thea thea thea. thea. thea. thean. thea. thean. thean. th to that wedding in peace to support them. She's the one who said, I got a civil rights hair line. You don't do that to a man.

You know a man's hair is a line you don't cross, Alicia. All right, Roy, we're going to talk to you later about that. Another thing, let me tell you. This is a weird. He promises are weird. All right, all right. Before we cross over to our next correspondent, we do have a new live projection coming in, and it's a big one, in the state of Georgia, the Georgia Senate race, the daily show projects that Herschel Walker has won 23 and me. I didn't even realize 23 and me was a thing you could win but they just announced it so good for him I guess good for him he did it but anyway let's go live now to Michael

Costa who I believe is coming to us from election deniers headquarters that's right Trevor there are so many election deniers? That's right, Trevor. There are so many election deniers running this year that they have their own headquarters where they can watch the results come in. And fun fact, the Wi-Fi password here is Hillary killed JFK and also is JFK, all caps. Wow, OK, so I'm really intrigued.

What's the mood like over there? Oh, they are having a blast here. And I'll tell you, one thing, they're not denying more jello shots. These people know how to party, Trevor. Wow, I mean, I'm assuming election deniers must be doing well tonight. Well, they are. And hundreds of election deniers ran for office this year, and a year year year year year won their races. I see. Wait, these are election deniers, so I guess they don't think there's any fraud in their elections. Well, no of course not, they won.

Okay, but then what about the election deniers who didn't win tonight? Well obviously their elections were stolen, you know, just like Trump's was in 2020 and we'll be again in 2024, unless he wins, in which case it was legitimate. It sounds like these people are just so loses. Whoa, whoa, we do not say that word here, Trevor, okay? Especially not with the hard R. Can you lose it? Okay, but, no, Costa, the reasoning doesn't make any sense. Well, actually, it's pretty simple. Let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, let, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their th. th. the. the. the. their, the. their the. the. the. their the. the. th. th. the reasoning doesn't make any sense.

Actually, it's pretty simple. Let me break it down for you, okay? So, you see, if they lost, that's because it was rigged. And you can tell it was rigged because they lost. Yeah, but Michael, that's circular logic. Well, it's actually more of an oval, if you ask me, so. Okay, how do they know the election they won wasn't rigged? Well, that's easy, because they won, so it's fair.

It's all over here on this other oval, okay? And now that they've won, they can change the voting laws, you know, purge the voter rolls, throw out ballots they're they're give themselves the power to overturn results so they never lose again. Wait, but that's rigging the election so they win. What are you not understanding, okay? If they win, that means it wasn't rigged. Do they not have ovals in Africa? We have ovals, Costa. This is about logic.

It doesn't seem like a democracy to me. Look, I'd love to keep explaining it to you, but I gotta go. Everyone's heading over to the Capitol to celebrate or to storm it. We'll see when we get there. All right, you'll be careful of their costa. Michael Costa, everybody. This is a really stressful election. All right, before we get to our next correspondent,

we have some more results coming in. Our analysts have crunched all the numbers, and we can confirm that that five bucks you donated didn't do shit. Going into last night's midterms, almost everyone was expecting a huge night for Republicans, a red wave that would wash away the Democrats in Congress and yank off Joe Biden's swim trunks. So everyone could see his old man butt. But now the votes are in.

And already, already, people are realizing that although there's still a lot left to count, it's clear that the red wave did not show up. This morning controlled of Congress up in the air, with both the House and Senate still hanging in the balance. Republicans acknowledging the expected red wave never materialized. With five races still to call, it's unclear who will control the Senate. Control of the House is leaning Republican, but only barely.

Democrats overall are doing much better than expected. That predicted red wave only appears to be a splash, if you will. The word wave has no application yet to what we're saying. This might feel more like the edge of a lake. This really looks much more like a red whisper, if that. This wasn't even a red little ripple in a pond I've heard it called you know the red sprinkler. I've heard it called the red splash the red puddle The red drizzle the red sprits. Yeah, you know when you're paying and then a little bit comes out after you're done

It's a red one of those. I should probably go get that checked out, by the way. And like some of these didn't even make sense. You know, like I'm sorry, but what is a red whisper? What is that? Like, ASMR for conservatives? Is that that is? It's just like, now I'm crumpling up the voting rights out. Oh yeah. But yes, last night was not the red wave that many people expected it to be.

And to be clear, to be clear, Republicans are still in good shape to take control of the House and they may even take control of the Senate when it's all said and done. Now it's too early, it's too early to tell because, you know, America counts its votes as slowly as George R. Martin writes, but it's thiiiiiiiiiiii. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be clear. the. to be clear. to be clear, to be clear, to be clear, to be clear, to be clear. to be clear, to be clear. to be clear, to be clear, tothe books, but it's definitely not the huge win that they were expecting. So it feels like a loss, which is really strange to me about politics. You know? It's the only place where you can technically win but still lose because people thought you were going to win more.

You know? Basically, Republicans got the job done, but no one's really happy about it. You know? It was like, Murr. I could have done this to myself. Murr. And again, lots of races are still undecided. Arizona and Nevada won't be done counting votes for a few more days.

We won't know who won Alaska's races until the dog sled arrives. And the big Senate race in Georgia looks like it is headed to a runoff in December. Yeah, which is only going to screw up Herschel Walker's brain even more, right? I don't think of any other election. Has it been six years already? Oh man, that means I got 35 children now.

What's happening? Oh wow. For one big race that was decided last night was in Pennsylvania, where John Federman defeated Dr. Arn. Which, you gotta admit, is exciting for the Capitol, because nobody in the Senate looks like this guy. I mean, huh? Have you seen this? He doesn't look like everyone. He's massive. He's got the bald hair, the goatee, the hoodie, which is dope. Normally, senators look like your dad's boss from work, you know? John Federman looks like he can physically

raise the debt ceiling. Ah! 37 trillion! Ah! And look, now, one of the reasons so many people were surprised by last night's results is that for weeks, for weeks, pundits had been saying that there are only a few issues that really matter to Americans right now, like inflation, crime, and whatever the hell is going on with the Twitter check marks. And in particular, in particular, the experts were saying that voter concerns about abortion had faded since the summer. I guess all those experts have been fired, and will never be a a th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. That. That. That. That's, th. That's, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, thi. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th... And, the. And, the.. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the the the the the to. And, to. And, to. to. to. to. to. to. the the the the to. the the the th the the th. the will never be allowed back on television because it turns out they were just a little bit wrong. The issue of abortion turned out to be a massive factor yesterday, with the Supreme Court's decision in the Dobbs case to overturn Roe v. Wade playing a much bigger role than polls

before the election suggested. In California, Michigan and Vermont, voters chose to enshrine reproductive rights into their state's constitutions. The biggest surprise came in Republican leading Kentucky where voters rejected an anti-abortion constitutional amendment. It was a huge night for abortion rights across the country. I mean, women voted in droves. Yes, well, people said a few weeks ago that it didn't matter that it was fading. It didn't, turns out that wasn't right. Yeah, it turns out abortion rights didn't fade away as a concern. And it's crazy that people ever thought it would.

You know, like, what women out there would be like, you know, it really bothered me over the summer when the state government wanted their choice, I don't know. So it looks like abortion rights with a big one last night. And it looks like the big loser last night was none other than Donald jumped the shark Trump. Because so far, it looks like many of the candidates he endorsed ended up being unendorsed by the voters. Here's what we know for sure this morning. It was a disappointing night for former President

Trump. The biggest loser last night was Donald Trump. In state after state, candidates that he brought to the race, candidates that he endorsed, did not win or are losing right now. But perhaps the worst result for Trump is that his biggest Republican rival had the best night of anybody. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis might have moved closer to a possible 2024 presidential bid with a commanding victory over former Governor Charlie Chris. That's right. It was a bad night for Trump and a great night for his rival, Ron DeSanctimonious. He absolutely crushed it in Florida. I mean crushed it like bath salts crushed it. And judging by this post on his knockoff Twitter, Trump is not taking it well.

Yeah, he wrote, shouldn't it be said that in 2020, I got 1.1 million more votes in Florida than Ron D. Got this year 5.7 million to 4.6 million? Just ask it. got this year 5.7 million to 4.6 million just asking. You see what you've done Ron Dezantos? You see what you've done? You made Trump so mad he's doing math. 4.6 plus 5.7. Even sounding like Shakespeare in that? Shouldn't it be sad? Shouldn't it be sad? Plus 5.7. Even sounding like Shakespeare in that, shouldn't it be sad? And hit that too far.

And here's the thing. Here's the thing. That's exciting about this. DeSantis's success, combined with Trump's failures, is already causing chaos in the Republican Party. Because now, Republicans are asking themselves, what do we do? Do we stick with Trump, who's screwed up two elections now,

but still controls all of the hardcore Republicans and is also completely toxic with everyone else? Or do we go with Ronda Santas, who's clearly the upgrade of Trump? But then you risk losing Trump, and then he burns down the entire GOP. And it's funny. It's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's thi it's thi it's thi it's thi it's thii, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's their, it's their, thr-I's thr-n, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thrown. throwneean, thrownean, thrownean, throwneeean, thrownean, throwneean, throwne. do you do? And it's funny, it's so funny to watch, because all these conservatives, they don't know what to do. All right, they're just like, ah, do I go with Trump?

Oh, oh, do I go with DeSantis? Oh, if I had principles I would follow them, but I just want to be on the winning side. You know, right now, conservatives in America are like kids who can see a bad divorce coming and they want to pick sides, but they're not sure which parent is going to keep the house. But it's true. Trump had a tough night. You know, this poor guy was just at home watching his top election deniers lose and crying into a box of classified documents. Bah! Nuclear. But, because this is Donald Trump, he's not taking responsibility. In fact,

it's being reported that he's blaming Melania for pushing him to endorse Dr. Oz in the first place, saying it was quote, not her best decision. Yeah, and I'm sure in response, Melania was like, yes it's true. I'm very bad that picking man. But not everything about the election was about Democrats or Republicans. So let's take a moment to appreciate all the historic moments from last night. We want to tell you about several historic firsts across the country. In Alabama, Republican Katie Britt, the winner in the race for U.S. Senate. She is the first woman ever elected to the Senate in Alabama.

In Maryland, Democrat Westmore will be the state's first black governor. And Massachusetts made history on the Democratic Attorney General, Mora Healy, will become the first female governor in the state's history, and she will also be the nation's first openly lesbian governor. Election history was also made in Florida, 25-year-old Democrat Maxwell Frost, is set to be the first member of Generation Z to win a seat in Congress. Wow. A 25-year-old congressman.

That's going to be great. To have a young person in Congress, and by young I mean under 85? It will be tough though. It will be tough being that young around that many old people. Half his time is going to be spent helping them with their phones. It's going to be in the middle of a speech like, and that's why my district and the people of it deserve the... What? What, what Chuck? No, just swipe up. Swip up to close the app. No, swipe up. No, don't click that.

There are not really hot singles in the area. It's a trick, Chuck. It's a trick. And there's a lot of other cool first. Women first. Women first. There was probably some straight white guy last night giving his victory speech like, it's an honor to be the first governor in state history who can, uh, do this? Uh, pretty sick, right? Yeah? Yeah? No? Just me? Let's kick things off with the midterm elections. A night so disappointing for Republicans, Mitch McConnell is flying his jowls at half-mast.

As of right now, there are several big races that are still too close to call. For instance, will Republican, Adam Laxalt, hold onto his lead in the Nevada Senate race? Will Lauren Bobert, sleek one out in Colorado? Will election denier, Kerry Lake, accept the results if she loses the Arizona governor's race or will she try to hang whoever Arizona's Mike Pence is? And one reason it's so hard to predict the results is that Americans cost ballots in so many different ways. And they all come in differently and separately, right?

Democrats tend to vote early by mail or drop box. Republicans show up on election day or use military ballots. And Herschel Walker votes the way he fathers his children, absentee. But there is one unfinished race that's not all that close, and it's a real trip. We are still watching Proposition 122, which appears likely to pass, and if it does, Colorado would essentially legalize psychedelic mushrooms. Passing the proposition would decriminalize personal possession right away and then it would allow licensed medical facilities to administer the natural medicine starting in 2024. Yeah, that's right. After being one of the first states to legalize marijuana, Colorado is now one of the first states to legalize mushrooms. And I think it's great.

I think it is. Yeah, because of creating like a, instead of creating a drug underworld, Colorado's bringing everything out into the open, you know? You can legalize it, you can regulate it. It's like those parents who give their kids wine with dinner. You know? They're like, yeah, I'd rather they be drunk in front they're they're they're dr dr dr dr dr dr them bumping into things. Go, look at you, Tyler. And I know right now, I know right now,

there's some people seeing this law going into effect and they're panicking, they're like, shrumes who are gonna be legal? What? And I'm like, but hey, hey, just relax, relax. Breathe. You're gonna be just fine. Just drink more water and listen to some ennia, okay? Enya, enya, enya, that's a weird name. I'm freaking out again, ah!

But personally, I'm all four drug laws getting less restrictive. And if they do officially legalize rooms, I'm also excited for their next ballot measure. Why are my hands so big? Now, if we had more time, we could talk about whether the acceptance of the acceptance the acceptance the acceptance their their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, also excited for their next ballot measure. Why are my hands so big? Now, if we had more time, we could talk about whether the acceptance of recreational drug use can lead to increased understanding of the therapeutic value of psychedelics, or how weird it is that drugs are like the one illegal thing we get to vote on to make legal, you know? Like, why don't we legalize jaywalking or even better jaying? the the pedestrians have the sidewalks all to themselves, huh? But we don't have the time for any of that. Because while the US is abandoning the war on drugs,

Ukraine is still fighting its war with Russia. And its leader just got some really strange military assistance. The actor Sean Penn, most often doing the unpredictable he did it again this time, loaning his Oscar to the president of Ukraine, but it comes with a condition. Video posted online shows Penn handing the Oscar to Ukrainian President Zelensky. He said, Zelensky can keep it until Ukraine wins the war against Russia. Penn has visited Ukraine several times since the fighting began last February. If I know this is here with you, then I'll feel better and stronger than for the fight. It's so great. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thin thin, thin, thin, thin, the thin, the thin, the thin, thin, thi, the the the the thi, the the the thi, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thi, thin, thi. thin, thi. togui. togui, togui, thi, thin, thin, thi. thi. thi. th stronger for the fight. So great, great torture about that, until we will. When you win, bring it back to Malibu.

Great, great. Okay. I don't even know how to process this information. Am I on mushrooms? Is it happening already? Like, I don't get it. How does the Oscar help Zelensky fight the wall? Is he supposed to use it as a weapon? I mean, if that's the case, at least give him two so he can use them like nunchucks, like

on a chain, you know? And it would be strange enough if he just gave him an Oscar to help win the war, but he wants Zelensky to return it? That was the weird part for me. He's like, make sure, make sure that nothing happens to Sean Penn's Oscar. There's like air raid sirens are going off there like, quickly, sir, quickly, everyone get to the bunker. He's like, I'm coming, I just need to find Sean Penn's, Oscar. Ah, oh, he needs it back.

He needs it back. The only way I think this could work is if Zelensky gave the Oscar speech, the music just played him off, and then he had to leave Ukraine. Oh wait, I wasn't finished, okay, good night, goodbye everybody. I actually hope that Zelensky is a fan of Sean Penn's movies. Because we don't know what else happened there. You might have gotten really awkward. You know? Shon Pen is like, here, I want you to have my best actor, Oscar for milk. Yes, yes, one of my favorite film. to have my best actor Oscar for milk. Yes, yes, one of my favorite film.

I remember watching it and thinking, wow, that is a lot of milk. No way you can drink all that milk. Powerful story. Now, if we had more time. Now, if we had more time. the other major development in the war, which is that Russia was a today. Look, powerful story. Now if we had more time, we could talk about the other major development in the war, which is that Russia was just forced into another embarrassing retreat from a major Ukrainian city,

probably because they heard Ukraine has Sean Penn's Oscar now. But we don't have the time for that. Because right now, the one thing being mismanaged worse than Putin's war is Elon Musk's website. Twitter has officially debuted its verified blue check marks and the features already causing a lot of confusion. Subscribers who pay the $8 monthly fee are now entitled to some additional perks, namely the blue check mark previously reserved for verified accounts. The problem is some of those users are using their newly acquired verification to impersonate celebrities and other public figures. Someone pretending to be LeBron James tweeted, I am officially requesting a trade from the

Lakers. An account that appeared to be from the pharmaceutical company, Eli Lilly, announced that all insulin would now be free. Meanwhile a user impersonating George W. Bush declared, I miss killing Iraqis. And a fake account for Nintendo simply tweeted a picture of Mario giving the finger. Oh no! Because anyone can buy verification they're now impersonating famous people who could have seen this coming? What? Everyone? Wow! Where were you guys 44 billion dollars ago? Look I'm gonna be honest and I'm gonna be blunt here? Elon Musk is running Twitter? Wow, where were you guys 44 billion dollars ago?

Look, I'm gonna be honest, and I'm gonna be blunt here. Elon Musk is running Twitter into the ground. And it's the best Twitter's ever been. Are you kidding me? Huh? Fake LeBron leaving LA and Mario flipping the bird, George Bush telling us how he really feels. The thing is an absolute train wreck and I'm here for it.

The only reason we know that that wasn't the real Mario was because Mario would never flip someone the bird. He's Italian. Come on. Yeah, he'd probably do this, right? Or this is like, hey Cooper, tell your mother I said hello. But who knows? Maybe all of this verified real fake people on Twitter chaos is actually part of Elon's plan. Yeah, maybe this is what he's doing on purpose. Soon no one will know a real account from a fake account. And then he'll be like, guys, did you see someone impersonated me and spent $44 billion on Twitter? That was crazy. Well, I'm just gonna take my money and be on my way. Okay, bye bye now. Now, if we had the time, we could discuss how this verified fiasco isn't just hurting

Twitter, it's also damaging Tesla's stock. Or, we could definitely talk about how Rianna just said on Twitter that she wanted me to perform with her at the Super Bowl. And no, it's not a fake account, because she even asked for my social security number. But we don't have the time for any of thahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. thia. thia. thia. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. thae. thae. thae. thae. thae. thau. tha. thae. tha. It's tha. It's tha. It's tha. It's is tha. It's is tta. It's is tta. It's is tta. It's is tta. It's is tta. It's is tta. It's is tta. It's is tta. It's is tta. It's is ttau. It's ttau. ttau. ti. ttttttttttttttttffff. tf. tff. tf. tf. tf. tf. tfea. tfea. tfea. tfea. tfea. tfe. tfe. tt while Twitter is faking celebrities a real celebrity is in trouble for faking his life. Vogue is suing rappers Drake and 21 Savage for using a fake cover story to promote their new album her loss. So back in October Drake shared what appeared to be a Vogue magazine cover featuring himself and 21 Savage with the caption Me and My Brother on the newsstand tomorrow thanking Vogue editors for their support.

Well, apparently they did not like this because the publishers, they filed a complaint in federal court this week saying the stunt was infringement of the company's trademark. So far, no comment on the lawsuit from Drake or 21 Savage. Yeah, that's right. Vogue is suing Drake and 21 Savage for 4 million dollars. to to th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, to th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. And, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the the the th, the the the the the the the the the the the the th. And, the, thi, the, the, that's right. Vogue is suing Drake and 21 Savage for $4 million for photoshopping themselves onto the cover of the magazine. Which, to be honest, I don't know if Vogue has a case here. You can clearly tell that this was a fake cover. I mean, Vogue lighting black people properly, this is clearly not real.

No, it's parody. But the beef is very real. The biggest name in magazines is going up against the biggest name in hip hop. That's no joke. This doesn't happen since Tupac got shocked by Reader's Digest. That sure was no gang. Now just for context, this vogue cover wasn't the only fake promotion Drake and 21 Savage I've been doing, right?

He also released a fake interview with Howard Stern, a fake appearance onL performance, a fake appearance on NPR, like Tiny Desk, which is a little weird because he's Drake. He doesn't have to fake any of these things, you know? It's so weird to me. It's like, Drake, if you want to be on NPR, I'm pretty sure you can be on NPR. This would be like Obama photoshopping himself at a Buffalo Wild Wings, you know? He's just like, oh look, Michelle, it almost looks like I was actually there. How cool would that be? But man, you're the president, you can go to a Buffalo Wild Wings! Watch the Daily Show, weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes, any any any time on Paramount Plus.