The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories | Rihanna Plans To Perform At The Super Bowl

Episode Date: October 1, 2022

Hurricane Ian slams Florida, Biden makes a morbid mistake, Rihanna plans to perform at the Super Bowl, and Haberman’s book reveals Trump’s vow to not leave office. Here’s a look at what happened this week. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Big news from the NFL. Which has announced that means, right? That means that this isn't the Super Bowl anymore. This is a Rihanna concert with football around it, all right? In government news, the CIA has announced that it is launching a podcast. Yeah, which is great because I guess now for a change, we're going to be listening to them. And I know a lot of people are doubtful about this. They think it's weird, but I think it's going to be a huge hit, you know?

Yeah, because the CIA said that they're going to use the same tactics they used when they launched crack, so this podcast is going to go everywhere. It's going to be really good. Oh, in international news, Italy has elected its first female prime minister. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, who is also a right-wing politician who loves Mussolini? Too late. No, you cheered.

You can't take your cheers back. You can't take your cheers back. You love her already. Yeah, this is bittersweet for Italian liberals because a woman broke the glass ceiling, but she did it by throwing an immigrant through it. Oh, ah. All right, let's move on to the big stories of the day. Starting with Star Wars, the sci-fi movie that made incest cool. For almost 50 years, James Earl Jones has been the voice behind Darth Vader. The most famous villain in movie history and most famous asthmatic. G. H.R. But on Friday, Disney announced that the force is going to be moving on. James Earl Jones is reportedly retiring from voicing Darth Vader,

but Star Wars fans may not even notice. Vanity Fair says the 91-year-old actor has signed off on a plan to use artificial intelligence to craft new dialogue from his old voice recordings. You see, the little mermaid becomes black and they take away James Earl Jones! Ah, I told you that be backlash! I told you! No, I'm joking, I'm joking. The legendary actor has retired from doing the voice. That's all that happened.

And what's interesting to me is that you hear what they said, instead of trying to find someone else to voice the part, Disney has said they're going to use artificial intelligence to replicate Darth Vader's voice. Yeah, I don't know people. This makes me a little nervous. Yeah, we think AI is going to take over the world. And now we're going to teach it to use the dark side of the force? No one thinks this is a bad idea. But I get it. I get it. I mean, that voice is iconic. You know, it belongs in Darth Vader's body or announcing CNN promos, but that's it. That's the last thing we need. The last thing we need is them opening the roll up to like other famous people.

Like that could just, you know when they do that with roles and then it becomes weird, you know? Can you imagine Darth Vader being voiced by someone else? Look, I am your father. But until your mama shows me the paternity test, you can just call me Uncle Dove. And for our main story tonight, I am your father. That's right, Luke. I am your daddy. And yes, that upsets me as much as it upsets you, Luke.

A lot of people are saying I'm your father, Luke. A lot of people are saying I'm your father, Luke. They're saying they've never seen a better father. And they're right. I love all my children. It's you, it's Ivanka, and that's it. It would have never worked. It would have never worked. All right, enough of that. Let's move on from Star Wars to another ongoing battle.

The midterm elections in our latest installment of Vote Demick 2022. We're not just six weeks away from election day, which means each party is making their closing pitches to the voters. Democrats are promising that if they win, they will secure abortion rights and share Nancy Pelosi's stock tips. And Friday, to counter that message, Republicans revealed their new policy idea. House Republicans are unveiling their plan to win back the majority in November. On Friday, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, who is eyeing the Speaker's gavel, announced his new GOP agenda,

called the commitment to America. But on that very first day that we're sworn in, you'll see that it all changes. Because on our very first bill, we're going to repeal 87,000 IRS agents. Our job is to work for you, not go after you. God damn. 87,000 IRS agents fired.

Yeah. But I just sweep the floors, well, sweep them at home because your ass is gone. HASHTAKI also love the language they use when they're trying to be tactical, right? When they complain about jobs going away, they'll be like, you're losing jobs, you're getting fired when it's them. They're like, we're going to repeal these jobs. And if you're thinking that 87,000 is a weirdly specific number, that's because it is the exact number of IRS hired by the IRS employees hired by the the B........s.s. Iheiririririririr. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. the the the the the the to be. to be. to be. to be hired. to be hired. to be hired. to be hired. to get. to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to, to, to, to, to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to.. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the to. the the the the to. the to. to. the to. the to. the the to. the to. the to. the to. the the to. to. the to. to. they. they they they're to. the idea behind this was that the government could get more money if the IRS was better able to crack down on all the tax sheets, like billionaires and corporations,

right? Which makes sense, which makes sense. Although another way to get more money in taxes would be to not make doing taxes feel like solving the formula for the time space continuum. They could make it easier. Yeah. I'm going to spend all weekend combining line 15C with line 38B. If I wanted to be an accountant, I would have been an accountant, goddam. But now the GOP is promising fewer IRS agents, which means you have less of a chance of getting audited, which means you don't have to worry as much about paying your taxes. And you know who it is, yeah, basically the GOP is that kid who ran for class president, thiiiiiiiiiii-inin, th and th and th and th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, combining, combining, combining, combining, combining, combining, combining, combining, combining, combining, combining, thi, combining, combining, thi, combining, thi, thi, thi, thi, combining, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, combining, thin, thin, combining, thin, combining, thin, combining, combining, combining, thin, combining, combining, thin, combining, thi, combining, thi, to worry as much about paying your taxes. And you know who did, yeah, basically the GOP is that kid who ran for class

president in ninth grade on a platform of making homework illegal. And you're like, this doesn't seem responsible or even possible, but yeah he has my vote. But look, this IRS bill has a good chance of happening. Because remember, the Republicans are still expected to take control of the House this year. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the the the the, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, to, to, to, the the to, the to, the the to, the the the the to, the the they, they, they, they, they, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, But look, this IRS bill has a good chance of happening. Because remember, the Republicans are still expected to take control of the House this year. And for many reasons, yeah, Joe Biden's unpopularity, the way congressional districts are drawn. People are hearing that Republicans are giving away free flights to Martha's vineyard. But remember, it's not a sure thing. They might win, but it's not a sure thing. And part of the reason it's not as sure as it should be is because the Republicans keep putting up candidates like this. Republican House candidate J.R. Majusky is struggling in his campaign in Northwest Ohio.

The 42-year-old Republican first launched into fame by painting Donald Trump into his lawn and raised eyebrows last year with a rap video attacking Joe Biden. Joe is focused on ice cream while he's crapping his pants. We want our dreams and our freedom. This is our last chance. Majusky is now in hot water again, facing accusations that he lied about being deployed to Afghanistan after 9-11, when in fact, he served away from combat. Majusky says the documents proving that he saw combat are top secret. In fact, the orders, the the the the the the the the tre tre tre tre tre tre tre tre tre tr. tre tre tre tre tre tre tre tre tre tre tre tre tre tre tru tru tru, tru, tru- tru- tr. He tr. He tr. He tr. He's tr. He's tr. He's tr. He's tr. He's tr. He's tr. He's tr. He's tr. He's tr. He's tr. He's tr. He's tr. He's tr. He tr. He's tr. He tr. He tr. He tr. He's tr. He's tr. He's tre, tre, tre, tre, tru, tru, tru, tru-he's tru-he's tru-heau-heau-heau-heau-heau-heau-heau-heau-hea' tru-hea' tru says the documents proving that he saw combat are top secret.

In fact, the orders and the military records that I've been able to obtain from my personal files shows that all of my deployments are listed as classified. Yeah, that's right, people. He cannot prove that he was in combat because all of the records are classified. And I believe him. Man, I've been there. I've been there. I have.

When I was in middle school, my girlfriend was classified, too, and it sucks. She was so hot, guys. I wish you could have seen her, but oh, man, she was so classified. Oh, for real. For real, if you weren't an act of combat you can't just say you were in active combat, especially to get elected. At a dinner party, we get it, you know, I killed bin Laden. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

But lying about it in active combat isn't just disrespectful to all the troops who are actually in active combat. It's also extremely misleading to the voters. If you're going to say you're doing top-secret combat in Afghanistan and you can't show it to us, you should at least have to prove it, you know, you should have to do some seal team six shit in front of us. Yeah, like the guy standing next to you, just snap his neck on stage. Yeah, then I'll believe you. Then we'll be like, oh shit, did you see that? And then the guy I'm the guy I'm the guy I'm the guy I'm the guy I'm the guy I'm the guy! But it looks like this guy wasn't in active combat,

and he didn't kill anything. Other than that rap music video, that was a... Rap did not survive that video. Rest and peace, hip-hop. Oh, we will remember you. We will remember you. All right, but let's move on to some international use. Because America isn't the only country in the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the the the the the toe toe toe that's toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, too too too th. th. th. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the thean thean, the the thean, too too the toooooo the the th the world, you know, there's like 10 others. Three weeks ago, the UK was introduced to its new Prime Minister, Liz Truce,

who announced that she was going to get Britain back on track. She just didn't mention which way the track would be going. This morning, the British pound plunged nearly 5% to a record low against the US dollar. Levels like this not seen since the 80s, this amid growing fears of instability in the UK. Friday British officials announced the largest tax cuts in 50 years while also boosting government borrowing and spending. Worry's there, this will be inflationary. This seems to be a vote of no support for the new government here and it's a big,

ambitious plans announced late last week. Yeah, so here's what happened. Liz Truce introduced a round of tax cuts for the wealthy, and in response, the British currency has collapsed, which is not what they wanted. And at some point, can we admit that even lifelong politicians don't actually know what they're doing? Right?

Can we admit that? We just assume they have some idea of the way things work, but they just run things the way we used to play mortal combat, you know? Just hit all the buttons and hope for fatality. Come on, Lucan, come on! I actually feel bad for Liz Truce, because this was the first bill that she proposed and it tanked the entire economy. Can you imagine being Prime Minister and your first idea?

Your first idea everyone was like, oh you blew it, you won't you won't, you won't. Oh, sell all of our money. It's worthless now, thanks, Liz. I'm kidding, obviously, this bill wasn't the first thing she did, was kill the queen, right? This was the second thing. That's what it was. The big moments watched live around the globe. Last night, NASA tested a new planetary defense system by smashing a spacecraft into an asteroid. Boom! Yeah.

How you like that, asteroid? That was for the dinosaurs. And in case you're wondering, in case you're wondering, no, the asteroid was not heading for earth, right? We're just testing the system. Wasn't heading towards us. But now the other asteroids, they know not to test us. You don't mess with Earth, man, we're loco, man. In health news, researchers have discovered that you can dissolve pills faster if you lie on your right side. Which raises a big question for me, how do I become a researcher? No, because it just sounds like fun, right? It looks like a lot of fun.

Just sit around all day, thinking random thoughts like, huh? I wonder what would happen if I took Advil Doggy style? Huh? Huh? Huh? Oh, and in financial news, Donald Trump is back on the Forbes 400 list of America's richest people at number 343, which I love so much. Yeah, I mean, how ironic is it that Donald Trump is the only guy doing well in Joe Biden's economy, huh?

Yeah, he's going to end up running for president and then voting for Biden. I made so much money under Joe Brandon, and this Trump guy was crazy. I heard he wanted bleach in his lungs. He's crazy. I. I th. I'm voting th. I th. I'm voting th. I'm voting th. I th. I'm voting th. I'm voting th. I'm voting th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho thi thi. thi thi thi thi thi tho thi. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. to thi. thi. theeei. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. thi. thi. thi. was crazy. I heard he wanted bleach in his lungs. He's crazy. I'm voting for Joe. But let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day. Starting with our ongoing coverage of-aid man on Ukraine. But from day one, the war has been a disaster for him. First, Putin tried to take over all of Ukraine, but the Ukrainian army stopped him.

Then he tried to take over the Eastern half, but the Ukrainian army stopped him. Then, he tried to slide into an Instagram model's DMs. And Instagram, like, it was just Instagram. So the Ukrainian army didn't do anything because it was Instagram. Yeah, he was stopped by the fact that he looks like a heavily Botox Gollum in a suit. No offense to Golan, I just need an example. The point is Vladimir Putin is not hashtag winning. So, after seven months of war, the Russian army only controls a slice of Ukraine. And now, the Ukrainiansiansiansiansiansiansiansiansiansians the Ukrainians the Ukrainians the Ukrainians the Ukrainians the Ukrainians the Ukrainians the Ukrainians the Ukrainians the Ukrainian the Ukrainian the Ukrainian the Ukrainian the Ukrainian the Ukrainian thuuke thuqqqqqqqqq- thus thus thus thus th- thus thus thus threaten th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- threatening to take that back, too. But before that happens, Vladimir Putin is saying,

hey, hey, hey, what about democracy? In Ukraine, Russian-controlled areas in the east of the country are wrapping up a series of referendums, asking voters if they want to be a part of Russia. The votes are illegal under international law, and some Ukrainians have been forced to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be a part of Russia. The votes are illegal under international law, and some Ukrainians have been forced to vote at gunpoint. Election officials accompanied by armed soldiers go trapsing up flights of stairs,

knocking on doors, searching for voters. In the past few minutes, that Russian state media has announced the perimary results, claiming that people have voted overwhelmingly in favor of becoming part of the Russian Federation. The results supposedly showing 97 or 98% of the vote being in favor of joining the Federation. Yeah, you hear that? Russian soldiers are going door-to-door forcing people to vote to join Russia. And so because of that, 97% of the vote has been pro-Puton.

But I mean, let's be honest. I mean, these voters have a choice in the same way, we have a choice to not accept cookies on that website, you know? It's like, what? So what, if I click no? Can I not see how child stars have aged? What kind of a choice is that? 97%?

No, my question is, who the hell is the 3%? No, I'm really impressed by that. Who had the balls to still vote against Putin while his soldiers watched them mark their balance? Who was then just like, yes, I have voted for your mama? Oh, look at that. Oh, I voted twice. Oh, oh. Oh. So yeah, because it's a sham, it looks like 98% of the voters in this election voted

to become a part of Russia. And honestly, like, why do they even go through all of this? Like going door to door, making everyone sign shit just so you can do what you're already doing anyway. I mean, it's one thing to conquer a town and blow up all their buildings, but then to make them do paperwork, there is evil, and then there's evil. And this is that classic middle school bully move, forcing you to say something and then acting like it's legit.

Sir, you want to eat dog poop. Oh, I like to eat dog poop. He said it, he likes eating dog it. I'm glad your parents broke up. But let's move on to some news that's closer to home. Even though the coronavirus pandemic seems to finally be on its way out, I think we can all admit the world is not exactly the same as it used to be. We're less eager to shake strangers' hands. You know, people generally don't sit next to each other in public places anymore.

And now, every time you rob a bank, it takes so much longer for people to know you're the robber because everyone else is wearing a mask. Yeah. So then you have to pull out a gun, but because it's America, everyone else pulls out a gun. And it's like at that that that that that point that point that point that point that point that point that point that point that point that point that point that point that point that point that point that point that's like, you you that's that's that point you just end up opening up a checking account and leaving, you know, I was just trying to rub the bank, the pandemic spoiled everything. But good news, good news people.

There is one part of American life that is coming roaring back. Traffic is coming back to pre-pandemic levels. I've seen it with my own eyes. This all thanks to a push for workers to return to the office. Major U.S. cities, including Los Angeles, Miami, Chicago, seeing more commuter traffic, congestion, and it is growing. Traffic is above pre-pandemic levels in Miami, in Dallas, in Houston, and in Phoenix. There is an interesting disparity, though, taking place in the numbers. Monday and Friday, that is one traffic is typically lower, even lower than it was before the

pandemic. Wednesday and Thursday are the really big days for traffic. tra. tra. tra. And tra. And tra. And tra. And tra. And tra. And tra. And trai trafi, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic, and traffic, and traffic, and traffic, it is traffic, it is the the tri, it is tri, it is their their their their their their their their their their, it is their, it is their, it is their, it is their, it is their is their, it is their is their. their. their. their, it is their. And it is to. And it is, it is toe, it is toe, it is toe, it is toe, it is toe, it is toa, it is toa, it is tri. tra, it is typically lower, even lower than it was before the pandemic. Wednesday and Thursday are the really big days for traffic now in major cities across the country really starts to begin to rise today, Tuesday. Yeah, you see, because everyone now works remote, their today, today, today. the day's the day they come in. All of the traffic that used to be during the week, the week, the week, the week, the week, the week, the week, the week, the week, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thea, thea, thea, thea, toda, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, today, today, today, today, today, today, toda, toda, toda, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, in. All of the traffic that used to be during the week is now only on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, which sucks. All of it is crammed together. I will say as bad as it is for us humans, it is good for the cause, you know. Yeah, because now that traffic is slow, it gives them a chance to catch up again. Hey there, Craig! Hey there, Craig! Hey, hey, hey, Craig!

Long time no see, buddy! Hey! Yeah, nice paint job! Nothing wrong with turning back the clock a little bit, huh? Me? Yeah, things have been good. Ha ha! Some teenagers had sex in me, that was cool. Oh boy, did you hear about Jerry, by the way? His owner dubbed him for an electric. Yeah, he's taking it real hard.

He's hooked on diesel now. It's a real shame, man. Oh, by the way, looks like my lane is moving. See you in two seconds, buddy. Ha ha ha! You know, when you think about it, the new traffic problem makes sense, right? Because everyone would rather spend an extra day at home on a Monday and a Friday, and that means that those days are going to be the days when everyone is chilling. Because those are the days when you're making the hangover or recovering from the

hangover. You know what I mean? Yeah, but now, but now, think about this, if everyone is choosing the same days to be on the road, then those days are going to suck even more, which means Tuesday is going to be the new Friday, and then Thursday is going to be the new Monday? And then, wait, what? Well, I guess Wednesday's still going to be in the middle. It'll be that weird day in the d' the today, like the d people who say February. Should be arrested.

The point is, the point is, this problem is happening because the week was designed incorrectly. Yeah, think about it. Who said the week has to be seven days? It's not a rule. It's what people don't realize. If we all do the same week, it's not going to get better. My solution is, instead of seven days we should have a five-day week. Yeah? Think about it. Think about it. Because you've seen every study that comes out that says the few of the days we work doesn't mean that production

goes down, right? No productivity decreases. All we do is spend extra time in the office, spending like we're working when really we're just we're just googling thi's the thea thi's the Yeah, yeah. Three days of work, two days of weekend. Sounds like a perfect week, yeah? Less traffic. It's like, oh, it's Monday. Oh, it's Wednesday already. Friday, what a week! By the way, I'm going to need Monday off.

I've got a thing. It's a perfect week. Lizzo, who made history last night at a concert in Washington, D.C. when she played a 200-year-old crystal flute that once belonged to President James Madison. Yeah, that's a really cool way to bring attention to American history. Because now students will know that James Madison was that guy who did a collab with Lizzo. In Education News, an Indiana teenager just learned that he was the only student in the world this year to get a perfect score on the AP calculus exam. Yeah, very impressive.

What's even crazier is that the kids sitting next to him had the second best score in the world. What are the chances? Think about it though, the only person in the world with a perfect score. Do you have any idea what the odds of that are? I don't. The kid does. I don't. That's how smart he is. Oh, and from the world of fine dining, McDonald's, has launched a limited edition series of Happy Meals for adults.

Yeah, yeah. And look, I know there are adults who are nostalgic for happy meals, but it's not the cheap plastic toys you cherish. Is that memory of your dad picking up from school and then surprising you with a trip to Mickey D's getting that happy meal in the colorful box, you know, explaining to you that it's not your fault and both he and your mother still love you even though they need to be apart now. Man, those toys were so cool. Ah, I remember those days.

All right, but let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day the day the day the day the day day day day day shutting Florida down. Breaking news, Hurricane Ian has now officially made landfall as a category four storm, one of, if not the most powerful storm ever to make landfall on the western coast of Florida. Truly an historic and potentially catastrophic day for much of this state. Ian's impact here as it moves inland will be a catastrophic surge of up to 18 feet, destructive wind gusts they're going way over 100 miles an hour and flooding rain which could be up to two feet because of the slow movement of the storm. This thing's the real deal. It is a major, major storm. Yeah, people, as we speak, Hurricane Ian is slamming into Florida.

And I honestly hope that everyone in the Sunshine State is staying safe. You know, and I mean like rest of America safe. Yeah, you know, not like Florida safe, you know, where someone wears like a long-sleeve shirt to wrestle a gator. I'm being safe, no, not that. Just be safe, safe. Because I mean, I know you guys are brave, but this hurricane, I mean, you heard, Governor DeSanctus. He said, this thing is the real deal. Not like the usual stuff I tell you to be scared of, like drag queens or critical race theory. I'm talking real. I got myself to 18 feet high.

18 feet! You understand most pools aren't even 18 feet deep, right? There's like 8 feet of water and then maybe like another 2 to 4 of piss. That's it. But Hurricane Ian, this shit is wild. And by the way, why are we still naming natural disasters? Like, why do we do this? It's a weird thing we do.

Hurricane Iron, Fiona, like, we don't do that with personal disasters. You know? Yeah, there's no doctor who's ever been like, I have some bad news. Jeremy has spread to your brain. Just a cute little name I came up with so you would remember it. All right, but let's move on to some political news. After a shaky start to his presidency, Joe Biden has recently gotten some of his groove back.

He's signing legislation, his reestablishing America's status in Europe, and he's the new brand ambassador for aviators. Ooh. In fact, many people are actually saying that Biden might have a really good shot at winning a second term in office. All he needs to do, though, is avoid doing stuff like this. An awkward moment for President Biden today at a White House conference.

While calling out people in the audience, he accidentally included Indiana Congresswoman Jackie Wollorski, who was killed in a car crash over the summer. I want to thank all of you here here here the the the the the the the their their their their their their thiiiii the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the, the, the. I'm the. thean. thean. tean. tean. tean. tean. tean. tean. tean. thea. I'm in a car crash over the summer. I want to thank all of you here for including bipartisan elected officials like Representative Governor, Senator Braun, Senator Booker, Representative Jackie, you here? Where's Jackie? I don't think she was going to be here to help make this a reality. No. No, Joe, what are you doing? Ah, that's so awkward. Oh man, and his explanation didn't help, you know, he's like, of course I knew Jackie was dying. I was looking for Jackie Kennedy, where's Jackie Kennedy? Where are you, Jackie?

Where's Jackie? Where's Jackie? Look, I mean, I guess on the upside, at least, he noticed that she wasn't there. This is a good thing. Yeah, it could have been much worth if he was like, where's Jackie? Oh, there's Jackie. There's Jackie. People are like, there's no Jack. She's there? Everybody sees Jackie.

And look, I know a lot of people are saying that this is another example of Biden's a better president. Yeah. Think of how hard he must be working right now to keep Americans safe, knowing that Osama bin Laden is still out there somewhere. Where is he? Where is it? Where is he? Where is he? And finally, let's talk about air to their travel. The number of people flying is nearly back to pre-pandemic levels.

And if you're one of those people about to thak about the flight first time in a few years, here's a reminder that you might experience some weird shit up in the air. A new video is showing the moment that left passengers on board in American Airlines flight very confused. They were on their way to Dallas from LAX when strange noises started coming from the planes public announcement system. Take a listen. The video has since gone viral and has gotten the attention of American airlines. Some people have floated around the idea that the PA system was hacked. The company says the cause was a lot less sinister, blaming it on a malfunctioning system. I don't know. Hell no. What the hell was that? You hear that on the thing?

I don't even know how to describe those sounds. It sounds like Chubaka getting a hand job or something. What was that? And how is this guy so calm? He's just like, you hear those sounds? Yo, if I'm on a plane that starts making sounds like that, I'm getting a parachute.

I'm getting a parachute? And a few extra pretzels, and I'm opening the emergency exit. I'm gone. Now, a lot of people were spec is that the sounds were caused by, quote, a mechanical issue with the PA amplifier which raises the volume of the PA system when the engines are running. Which somehow is less comforting? Like a hacker, I understand. Oh, I get it a hacker. But you're telling me that the plane is always making sounds? Like Frankenstein is getting a prostate exam, but we're only hearing it now because of a mechanical issue? That's not reassuring information.

Ah, to me, the best case scenario is if the pilot accidentally left the PA system on in the cockpits and all the sounds that the people heard were coming from him. All right, everybody, we're on autopilot now. Let me just check some of my crypto investments. Oh, that sucked everybody. I gotta get my spirits back up. You know what I'm gonna watch that new video from the Try Guys. Let's see, ah! Ah! That sucked, oh! That sucked. Oh, that sucked. Oh, I, uh, I, I've got to get my spirits back up. You know what I'm gonna watch that new video from the try guys. Let's see, ah! Ah! That sucked.

Oh, boy, what is this giant rat doing in here? What are the- Ah! Ah! Muh! Muhmohm! No one can know. That would have been better. The FDA has issued new guidelines as to which foods can be labeled healthy.

And that now includes nuts and salmon. And as much as I appreciate that, I didn't need the government to tell me that salmon that's the thing that people ordered at weddings, when they want to let you know that tell me that salmon is healthy. We all know that because that's the thing that people order at weddings when they want to let you know that they're better than everyone else. Oh yeah, I'll have the salmon. In international news, the Queen of Denmark has stripped her grandchildren, grandchildren of their royal titles. Yeah, because she says she doesn't want them to be limited by their royal duties, which is the most posh way ever to

say, bitch, get a job. Yeah, those grandkids must have been so grateful. It's like, wow, grandma, thanks for not forcing me to be a prince anymore. I really hated all the attention and the free jewelry. I love being known as the grandkid formerly known as prince. Thank you. It's so funny how the British mon mon mon mon mon mon mon mon the British monarch the British monarch the British monarch the British monarch the British monarch the British monarch the British monarch the British monarch the British monarch the British monarch the British monarch the British monarch the British monarchs the British monarchs the British monarchs the British monarchs the British monarchs, the British monarchs, th. th. th. th. th. to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be, to be, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they, they, they, they, they, they, they're, they're, they're, they're, th. th. th. th. that, b. thoo. thoo. thoo. thooo. thooo. thooo. the. the. the. the. It's so funny how the British monarchy had so much drama that all the other monarchy's are now looking around like, maybe we should shut this shit down while we're still ahead, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Oh, in gaming news, this is a fun one. The maker of the card game, Uno,

has come out officially and updated its rules to clarify that you cannot play a draw two on top of another draw two to make the next person draw four. Yeah. Yeah, they say draw two, you take the draw two. That's it. That's it. I agree with you. I mean, like, who makes, who makes these rules?

I will say it is cool that they're doing it. You know, if they ask me, we need to fix more game rules. You know, forget Uno, I think that works. Monopoly needs prison reform. Yeah, my brother gets like nine turns buying up all the properties while my symbol is stuck in jail. How is that fair? No justice, no peace! But let's move on to some of the biggest stories, starting with their stories of the day, starting, starting, starting, starting, starting, starting, starting, starting, starting, starting, starting, starting, starting, starting, starting, starting, starting, starting, starting, and, starting, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, theiria, the fallout from Hurricane Ian. Last night, the monster storm hit Florida, like Florida just came home with a report card full of F's,

flooding the streets, destroying homes and infrastructure and leaving millions without power. Now, the good news is that people took all the advance warning seriously, so despite the destruction, there were very few casualties. And as the storm recedes, we're learning about some amazing ways that the people of Florida have pulled together while the storm was raging. Over my shoulder here, you can see the incredible power of Hurricane Ian, but now comes, as we've already seen, the selfless power of people. Neighbors, friends, even complete strangers doing whatever they can to help, rescues on shore and on land, firefighters, helping a woman escape floodwaters. But the fire department also thanking thanks the fire department also thanking, the the the the the the the the the the thatets, the the thatets, thate the the the the the thate thate the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the storm the storm the the the storm the storm the the the storm the storm the storm the storm the storm the the storm the storm thorou theat. theat. theat. theat. tooooooooooooonea the storm. the the the storm was the the the the the the the storm was the storm the storm the can to help. Rescues onshore and on land, firefighters helping a woman escape floodwaters.

But the fire department also thanking local jet skiers for helping out, writing, sometimes we need a ride to the rescue ourselves. In Benita Beach, one good Samaritan, braiding the elements to save a cat trapped outside on an air conditioner. Many of the sailboats are on their side. There was a guy to a guy to a guy to a guy to a guy to a guy to a guy to a guy to a guy to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get their. their. their Many of the sailboats are on their side. There was a guy who went on to get his three pets off that were still on the boat.

In St. Petersburg, staff at a botanical gardens hunkering down with flamingos to see them through the storm. Wow. Wow, that is amazing. That's so nice, just to see like, everybody coming together, you know, helping the cats helping the flamingos. I mean, it's nice, but do flamingos need more help than humans in a hurricane? This is weird, just like, don't worry, flamingos, I'll protect you. The flamingos like, uh, we're the water bird, dude, we'll protect you.

But this is all amazing, right? The response to the storm was so powerful that it led to something we've never seen before. Jet skiers being responsible. Yeah, imagine that. Getting rescued by a jet ski is so awesome because it doesn't matter how exhausted or emotional you are. You can't stay that way on the jet ski, right? Yeah. You're gonna be there like, oh my God, thank you. Thank you, I owe you my life.

All right, shredded, bro, yeah, whee! Crank that diesel, bitch! And that's for the people rescuing the cats. That is true selflessness. Because that's somebody who's going, look, we lost everything. Our house is destroyed. thaphapes, then, then, then, thuuuu, th. th. thu, th. th. th. thin, thin, thi, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, that, that, that, that's, that's, cr-I's, cranked. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. that, that, that, that, that's. that's. that's, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's out on this, what if we also had our faces scratched to shit, huh? What do you think? It really is beautiful to see. But let's move on. Because while Florida is recovering from this storm, there is still the storm that is always hitting America. Donald J. Trump. New revelations on the final days of former President Donald Trump's presidency. In reporting provided to CNN from a forthcoming book by New York Times reporter Maggie

Haberman, Trump repeatedly told aides following his election loss that he would refuse to leave the White House. Haberman's book reports that Trump told one aid, quote, I'm just not going to leave. Haberman reports Trump quizzed nearly everyone around him on how to stay in power. Among those he reportedly asked, the valet who brought him Diet Coke when Trump pressed a red button on his oval office desk. Oh man, that is so much pressure to put on your soda guy. Like, he asked the valet who brings him the diet coke, who's just like, That is so much pressure to put on your soda guy. Like, he asked the valet who brings him the diet coke, he's just like,

soda boy, I need you to make me the Emperor of America. How do I do it? How do you, he's just like, oh, yeah, he's just got a Coke today. You know, if I'm honest, I think it is less weird to get advice from your Diet Coke valet and more weird to have a Diet Coke valet. But I mean, once you got him, you might as well get his input, right? Just be like, yeah, what do you think about? How do I overtake a country, huh? The real traveller to me is that Trump

to their plan of just not leaving. Yeah, that would have loved to have seen the FBI chasing Trump around the White House, like an episode of Scooby-Doo, right? They just chase him through one door, he chases them through another door, and then they're all being chased by ghosts. It's just like, uh-oh, uh-oh, many people are saying, uh-oh, so much danger, Scoob, so much danger. So much danger. Let's move on. Let's move on from the previous administration to the current one. As you all know, Joe Biden is the president of the United States.

But what if I told you there's also a vice president of the United States? Yeah, it's true. It's true. Her name is Kamela Harris. What? I can't hear you now. If that's the case, Trevor, I've never seen her what are you going to tell me next slender man is real and I should kill my family okay well I can't speak to the veracity of slender man but I do have proof that Kamala Harris exists

and she was just sponsored in South Korea overnight vice president Kamala Harris arrived in South Korea for the last leg of her four-day trip to Asia she paid a visit to the demilitarized zone that divides the Korean Peninsula. The move is to demonstrate America's commitment to its Asian allies. Well played, Carmola, well played. If there's one way to remind people you exist,

it's to go stand at the border between North and South Korea. Now, everybody knows your name. Yeah, it's the same way no one thi thi thine thine th th th th thine th th th thi th thi thi thi the thi thi the thi the thi thi the thi the the thi the the the the thi the thi thi thi, their their the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thi thi thi thi thi the tip. I tip. tipe. tipe. tipe. tipe. tipe. te. te. te. te. te. toe. the. the the., it's the same way no one knew that I existed in high school. Nobody. Until the day, I streaked naked across the football field. And from then on, everyone knew one testicle travel was in our school. Oh, they knew me. They all know me. Anyway, because this is such a major moment on Vice President Harris's trip, we go live to our very own Ronnie Chang, who is in the-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in, until the day-in, until the day-in, until the day-in, until the day-in, until the day-in, until the day-in, until the day-in, until the day-in, until the day-in, until the day-in, until thi-in, until thi-in, until thi, until thi, until thi, until, until thi, until, until, until, until, until, until thi, until until until until until until until th-in, until until th-in, until th-in, until th-in, until th-in, until th-in, until th-in, until th-in, until th-in, until thi-in, until thi-s, until thi-s, until the day-s, the day-s, until the day-s until the day-mccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccane, I thi-nil-n Vice President Harris's trip, we go live to our very own Ronnie Chang, who is in the demilitarized zone. Ronnie, how is it going over there?

Oh, Trevor, yeah, it's going really well. Thanks so much for sending me here, by the way. Great assignment, not racist at all. Anyway, uh, the Vice President was just here, and she just rocked up to the border with her giant sub-binoculars and then stared at North Korea like a geopolitical pervert. And honestly, Trevor, I don't get it. Why is she here? Why am I here?

Why is anybody here? What are you guys even looking for? You think you're going to see something that all the generals and the satellites missed? It's like, look th you you you you you you you you you th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi tho- tho-a tho-s tho-s tho-s tho-s thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi to to to to to to toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooeeee to to the to the to that all the generals and the satellites missed is like oh look look they forgot to lock the gate let's go now what you're idiots honestly what she looking at what what what is it what you know what let me just look out for myself right what's oh oh look it's it's Kim johen and uh it looks like he's watching me on the Daily Show oh maybe that guy's not all that bad after all hey hey hey Kim and y y' they're fllifl the th the th they th they the they they th th th th they they th the th th the th th th th th the the the th th th th th the th they they they's they's they's they's they's they's the th. th. th. they's they's they's they's th. they's they's they's th. they's they's they's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. th., maybe that guy's not all that bad after all. Hey, hey, hey, Kim and y'all, follow me back on IG, man. Anyway, the vice president was here to strengthen America's alliance with South Korea against North Korea.

And let's just see how that went. An embarrassing gaff by Vice President Harris today when she affirmed America's alliance with the wrong Korea. So the United States shares a very important relationship, which is an alliance with the Republic of North Korea. And it is an alliance that is strong and enduring. Wow. Wow. You think North Korea is South Korea? So I guess all Asian countries look the same to you, huh?

Madam Vice President, what's next? You're gonna mix me up with Simulil? Huh? Seriously, can you? Can you? Could you do that? Because I would totally be fine with that? No, no, no, no, I'm just joking. We're just joking. Everyone, we're just joking.

Okay, Madam Vice President, nobody give her a hard time about this, or we won't see her again for another six months. All right, back to you, Trevor. Hey, Kim, hey, thanks. Hey, Kim, no, no, no, all right. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Not my posture. Before we go, Hurricane Ian, as we spoke about, is one of the most powerful storms to hit the United States in decades. Right now, the Florida Disaster Relief Fund has been activated for response and recovery. So if you can help them, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, then, then, then, then, then, than, thank, than, than, than, thi, thi, than, than, than, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th. Thank, th. Thank, th. Thank, th. Thank, th. Thank, th. Thank, th. Thank, th. Thank, th. Thank, th. Thank, th. Thank, th. Thank, th. Thank, th. Thank, th. Thank, th. Thank, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, thanan, than, than, thanan, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, th now, the Florida Disaster Relief Fund has been activated for response and recovery. So if you can help them, then please donate at the link below to support these

efforts. Watch the Daily Show, Weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.