The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories - Russia Invades Ukraine, Biden's State of the Union Address & More

Episode Date: March 5, 2022

Russia's invasion of Ukraine sparks international resistance, Ukrainian citizens fight back, and President Biden stumbles through gaffes during his 2022 State of the Union address. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. As the pandemic started winding down, people all across the world have been thinking about what they're going to do as the world opens up, you know? Spend more time with family. Find a better work-life balance. Stitch all your old masks together into a giant mask and then use that as a comfort blanket. But Vladimir Putin clearly had very different post-pandemic plans, invading a sovereign country. And you know for years people

have said that Russia might invade Ukraine because it's always been Putin's wet dream to reunite the Soviet Union. You know sort of the same way Disney wants to tie all of its franchises together. And now Mickey is fighting Thanos. I mean, it's weird, but profitable. So yeah, Putin has done the unthinkable. And in response, almost every nation around the world has gone, yo, my man, that is not cool.

Much of the world is trying to tighten its grip around Russia to get Vladimir Putin to back off Ukraine. For the first time ever, the EU will finance the purchase and delivery of weapons to Ukraine. Similarly, the United States for the first time has approved the direct delivery of Stinger missiles to Ukraine as part of a package approved by the White House. That decision came on the heels of Germany's announcement that it will send 500 stinger missiles and other weapons and supplies to Ukraine.

This was a historic break from Germany's post-World War II foreign policy. The President is joining forces with European allies by kicking most Russian banks out of SWIFT, an international banking messaging system that makes global transactions easier. New sanctions will also target Russia's central bank, and allies are beginning to target Russian oligarchs with ties to Putin who shield his wealth in offshore accounts. Russian planes and private jets from oligarchs can no longer fly over dozens of countries.

The European Union and Canada are banning the flights from their airspace. Air France also just announced that it has suspended service from Russia. Yeah, that's right. They're cutting off banking. They're arming their enemies. And on top of that, airlines are stopping flights to and from Russia. Which, in my opinion, might be one of the worst things. Because, I mean, the best part about going to Russia is that you can fly out of Russia.

Now they don't even have that. And if there's one thing that tells you how big these sanctions are, it's that the Swiss have gotten involved. Like, you understand how big that is, right? The Swiss don't get involved in war, they don't get involved in alliances, my dad didn't get involved in my life. I would ask him to hug me and he'd tell me that his official policy was to stay neutral. I mean, think about it, think about this for a moment. Putin's move is so crazy that Germany is like, it's time for us as Germany to rebuild

our military. And the world is like, it's time for us as Germany to rebuild our military! And the world is like, yeah! I hope! Now, beyond all the blocking flights and arming Ukraine, one of the biggest moves that Europe and America are taking right now is cutting Russia off of Swift, right? Which is huge, which is huge. Which is huge, like we're talking no folklore, no 1989, not even the short version of all too well, which, I'm sorry? th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, thi, that, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that's that's that's that's thri, that's that's thri. that's that's thri. that's that's thri. that's that's thi. thi, thi. Like we're talking no folklore, no 1989, not even the short version of all too well, which, I'm sorry, what? Oh, it's a different swift. What it, oh, it's an international banking system that verifies transactions across the globe. Oh, I mean, they should probably change their name because that's confusing, you know. Anyway, what Russia has done has gotten the world so riled up that it's not just the governments

that are responding to this war. No, everyone around the world is finding their own way to show Putin that he's an asshole. Major news from the sports world. The World Soccer Organization, FIFA is banning Russian teams from all of their games. the organization issuing a statement today banning Russian clubs and national teams from all competition until further noticed. FIFA says it stands in quote full solidarity with all of the people affected in Ukraine. The European Broadcasting Union has banned Russia from participating in this year's Eurovision song contest. And back here at home several governors around the United States are asking stores to pull Russian

products off their shelves. A restaurant in Las Vegas went out on the street and poured all of their bottles of Russian vodka out onto the street. They'll be offering Ukrainian vodka instead. Formula One dropped the Russian Grand Prix from the season's racing calendar and the International Olympic Committee also urging sports federations to move or cancel their events in Russia and Belarus. And the International Judo Federation suspending Putin's status as honorary president and ambassador of the Federation. Yeah, no World Cup for Putin, no Eurovision song contest for Putin, no more being president

of the International Judo Federation. And in case you're wondering, yes, he will no longer be allowed to host this year's Oscars, which I was kind of looking forward to. It's going to be interesting. Now, I know a lot of people out there wondering, they're like, oh man, who cares? I mean, they're having their economy destroyed. Who cares if people are pouring out vodka? But people, this actually makes a difference. bad back in the day during apartheid, but it was the collective idea around the world that people were not for what was happening that sort of spurred a lot of the change. And don't forget, oftentimes in life, it's the little things that hurt the most.

You think they're small, but they get to you. You know, like think of it this way. Would you rather be shot or blocked by your ex? Hmm? Oh, and just by the way, now that Russia is not going to be playing in the World Cup, I mean, that means there's going to be an open spot, right? I'm just saying, FIFA, if you want to hook South Africa up with that spot, you know, we've never invaded another country, you know, we barely even have a military. So if you're interested, shoot me a DM. I see you, FIFA. So, practically practically, practically, practically, practically, practically, practically practically, practically practically, practically, practically, practically, practically, practically, practically, practically, practically, So, practically every democracy in the world right now is coming down hard against Russia.

And it actually might be having an effect because just this morning, the two countries held five hours of peace talks, which is good. Although Russia did continue bombing Ukrainian cities the whole time that the peace talks were happening, which is not a good sign. I mean, bombing a country during your peace talks is like bringing your side-chick-in-in, it, it, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is-in, is-in, is-in, is-uping-uping-uping-upi-upi-upi-upi-upi-upi-upi-upi-upi-upi-upi-upi-up, is thi- the peace talks were happening, which is not a good sign. I mean, bombing a country during your peace talks is like bringing your side chick to couples therapy. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence. Yeah, she's the problem.

But don't get it twisted. Russia is feeling the effects of the world clamping down, especially the ebble hitting an all-time low this morning. The first business day since harsh sanctions were imposed against Moscow for waging war on Ukraine. Now European operations for one state-owned Russian bank are already facing bankruptcy, saying in a press release, they're failing or likely to fail. Long lines of Russians waiting at ATMs after days of punishing sanctions levied on Moscow by the West, many Russians are worried their bank cards will stop working or that banks will

limit cash withdrawals. Well, damn, if Putin's goal is to bring back the glory days of the Soviet Union, people waiting hours in long lines is definitely a start. And please don't get me wrong, don't get me wrong. I don't like the fact that ordinary Russians are suffering for what Putin is doing is th is thuuuuuuuuuuuuuu thu thu thu thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the thi thi the the thi thi the the thi thi thi the the the the the thu. the thevied thea thevia thea the. L' the. the. the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thu. thu. the the the the levi the the the the the the the the the the the te te te te tea tea. tea. tea. teau. teau. teau. teau. tea. t, don't get me wrong, don't get me wrong. I don't like the fact that ordinary Russians are suffering for what Putin is doing. I don't like that. But then again, if they didn't want him as president, I mean, they shouldn't have re-elected him with 1, the threaten to the taering economy, and a war that is not as easy as he probably

wanted? Well, apparently his plan is to make things a whole lot worse. Ukraine and a dramatic escalation in the crisis there, Russia's military confirms this morning that the country's nuclear forces have indeed been put on high alert. President Vladimir Putin calls it a response to, quote, aggressive statements by NATO leaders. Mr. Putin is becoming even more desperate. It's showing that his military progress is failing on the ground, that he has to resort to this kind of threat.

He is pushing his inner circle away. We saw him publicly humiliating his closest advisors. That's what's most concerning. Nobody there to prevent a catastrophic misstep. Oh man, this is not good. Putin is threatening by activating his nuclear, what what does it even mean? He's like getting my nuclear team ready. For what?

For what, Putin? You realize this is not a good thing. Putin is going nuclear and there's no one there to stop him? You see people? This is why th th th th th that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thusususususususususususususususususususus. thus is thus is thus is thus. thus is going thus. thus is going thii. thi. thi is going thi is going thi is going is going is going is going is going is going is going is going is going is going is going thuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thus is going thi. thi. thi. the is going the. thea. thea. theating. theating. theating. theating theating theating him. You see people? This is why every crazy world leader needs a pasty son-in-law by his side. Yeah, keeps them in check, because no father-in-law wants to act the fool in front of the man who's banging his daughter.

You know? Now, before you panic, before you panic, I know they said nuclear and I know they said Putin, but please take the they they they they they the they the they their they their their their their they their they the the nuclear, they they the the nuclear, they tha, than, than, the, the, the, the, and they they they the, they said, and thecula, and I they they their their their their their their their their their their their their their they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're the the the the th.... than, thee, thee thee thee thee the, the, the, thean, thean, theananananananuu., theateateateananuoooooooomkkneuuakeeakeeakeeateanananananananananananke, and theanan Yes, the threat of nuclear annihilation may have increased. Yes, we may be on the brink of World War III. And yes, Europe is once again at the mercy of one power-hungry dictator. But on the bright side, when was the last time you thought about COVID? Huh? Huh? Yeah? Despite all of the destruction that Russia is inflicting on Ukraine, the President of Ukraine is still standing strong.

Today he delivered a speech via satellite to the European Union where he vowed that Ukraine would never surrender its freedom, and he received a standing ovation for the speech. Meanwhile, the foreign minister of Russia gave a speech to the United Nations Human Rights Council and most of the diplomats stood up and walked out of the speech in protest. Which, I mean, to be fair, nobody wants to hear a speech about respecting human rights from someone who's currently bombing civilians. It's like the guys from jackass giving a lecture about testical safety. In fact, the way things are going these days, there's a decent chance that any speech by Russia is just going to end with. And so in conclusion, lock the doors, release the poison.

Thank you for attending my talk. Now, as for the people of Ukraine, everyone around the world has been inspired by the resistance that they've put up so far, you know, and their ability to tell Russia to go fuck itself in so many different ways. We've seen powerful images posted to social media showcasing the courage of ordinary Ukrainian people. We are seeing Ukrainians coming out, manning checkpoints, taking their hunting rifles, sotguns, standing next to Ukrainian troops.

They are cutting down road signs by the roadside in an attempt to confuse advancing Russian troops. It's a popular sentiment on the streets. This man's sign is too vulgar to translate. Shmatko is a grandmother and a retired economist. These are the only weapons she has, but she says she's ready to fight. Let those Russian shits come here, she says. We are ready to greet them.

This shows what is purported to be a Ukrainian farmer, attempting to tow a Russian tank off his land with his tractor. Do you have a message for President Putin? Putin? Putin? You know what I love about the bleep sound? It's that no matter what language you speak around the world, you always know what it means. Yeah, because if I tell you to F.

Feeh-feeh-feevee, you can safely assume that I wasn't wishing you a happy birthday. And yo, that sure was crazy. Did you see that? This farmer towed a Russian tank away with his tractor. That is the most gangster thing on the farmer's side and is the most embarrassing thing for the Russian soldier. I mean, especially the way he's chasing off of them, like the cops just toe his car. Oh, come on, that was about toe the meter.

And despite the Ukrainian people are putting up. Civilians are grabbing shotguns. Farmers are towing tanks. Like one thing we're learning from this war is if you're gonna invade a country, maybe don't pick the one where the grandmas know how to turn their knitting into a fire bomb. Or you look thirsty. How about a drink? Everyone is still terrified about the potential outcome of this war. And that's mainly because the madman who has launched it

is really, really, really, really unpredictable. Growing fears about the mental stability of Vladimir Putin as Russia pushes ahead with its invasion of Ukraine. One American familiar with the intelligence, telling CNN, quote, Putin has been completely isolated, partly because of COVID. He's now just basically by himself, completely cut off from most of his advisors, isolated geographically. The only people talking to

him were sick offense who are just feeding his resentment. We saw new images that show the lengths Putin has gone in recent weeks to isolate and socially distanced himself from others. Even his closest advisors and cabinet members were seeing him sitting at the end of a very long table. Those long tables have become his trademark and his aides are clustered altogether on one end. He sits by himself on the other. U.S. intelligence has learned that Putin has exploded in anger at people in his inner circle expressing frustration over the state of the military campaign in Ukraine and the worldwide

condemnation of his actions. That's unusual, they say, because as a former intelligence officer, Putin usually keeps his emotions in check. Yeah, apparently Putin is really pissed off because this invasion is not going how he planned. And this is a big deal, because usually, Vladimir Putin doesn't show any emotions. Like, if you've ever seen him, he's always got this weird combination of being super calm and also super dangerous, like a cobra that took too many edibles. You know, it's just like, shh!

How do you do a cobra on weed? And you know, it actually makes sense. It makes sense that people haven't seen Putin show his emotions before, because remember, Vladimir Putin is a trained spy. Spies have to keep their emotions in check. th, like th, like th, like thi, like thi, like thi, like thi, like thi, like thi, like thi, like thi, like thi, like thi, like thi, like thi, like thi, like thi, like thi, like thi, like, like thi, like thi, like, like, like, like, like a thi, like a thi, like a thi, like, like, like, like, like, like, like thi, like th, like th, like th, like th, like th, like th, like th, like th, like th, like th, like th, like th, like th, like th, like thi, like thi, like thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi.a-a, thi, thi, thi, seen Putin show his emotions before. Because remember, Vladimir Putin is a trained spy. Spies have to keep their emotions in check. Like even if a spy goes to a party and at that party they're serving pigs in a blanket, you can't freak out and get all excited like normal people. Come in like, oh shit, they got pigs in a blanket.

You can't do that. You gotta be like, yeah, pigs in bl bl it's okay, I guess. Yeah, give me like seven. Go bblah. But you know, it does make sense. It makes complete sense that he's lashing out now. Remember this, Putin doesn't know what it's like to lose. He wins every re-election without campaigning. He wins judo matches against world champions. Now suddenly he's having trouble, beating a country that's a fraction of the size of his? No wonder he's mad. And by the way, this war shows you the big difference

between a guy like Trump and a man like Putin. Because as bad as Trump was, he never had the vision and the focus that Putin has. You know, Putin's dream is to reunite the Soviet Union and turn Russia back into the superpower that it was. The only dream Trump ever had was to combine a big mac with a bucket of KFC. Yeah, that's probably what he made Area 51 work on. Forget the alien autopsies. This is more important. We need to get the chicken inside the meat, deep in and tender. The point is that anyone in the world can be a madman. But once you add power and vision, that's where shit gets real.

But please, please, I beg you, don't confuse Putin with Russia. Because although he's in charge, there are a lot of people in Russia who don't like their president or his war, and they have also been displaying some extraordinary courage. Resistance to Russia's attack on Ukraine is growing and not just around the world, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, that's, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, shit, shit, thi, shit, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that's that's where shit, that's where shit, thi, that's where shit, shit, thi, thi, thi, shit, thi, thi, also been displaying some extraordinary courage. Resistance to Russia's attack on Ukraine is growing and not just around the world, but also within its sown borders. Anti-war protesters, risking their safety here in St. Petersburg. It's one of many protests across the country as Russian authorities have detained nearly 6,000 people, grandmothers, teenagers, women, you name it. Some saying they'd rather risk arrest than live with guilt.

I want the whole world to see that we don't want it, this woman says. Powerful signals of an awakening to aggression and injustice. No war, please. This is what a number of athletes and celebrities are advocating for. Russian tennis star Andre Rublaave asking for peace after his win Friday. Hundreds of journalists signing a petition at the director of the Bolshoi Ballet signing a petition. Even the children of oligarchs and of Kremlin officials speaking out on social media against

the war. And a Russian lawmaker who voted with President Putin just this week, now saying I didn't vote for Keeve to be bombed. Man you've got to give credits to people protesting this war because you know how brave it is to speak up against Russia inside Russia? Like I'm not even in Russia and I'm going to test my coffee for poison after this show. Like you know it's always funny how people in America think the world has ended when they get banned from Twitter. But think about it, in Russia, they don't delete your Twitter,

they delete your life. And it's not just many Russian civilians who are against the war. No, one reason the invasion might not go as well as Russia has hoped is that even Many of them thought they were just doing military exercises and they weren't even told that they were being sent into war. Just think about that. I mean I think we can all agree that war is the worst kind of surprise there is. I mean well that end the reveal on love is blind. Oh you have a face tattoo in the shape of a goatee I'm so happy. So, even within Russia, people are standing up and risking their lives to stop an unjust war, which is probably why Putin is resorting to things like

this. Putin is ramping up efforts to control the narrative at home, banning media from characterizing Russia's attack on Ukraine as an assault, invasion or declaration of war. Instead, state-run media propaganda paints Ukraine as Nazi aggressors and Putin as Russia's defender. Russian State TV has not been showing Russian forces attacking Kiev or attacking Harkiv. Russians who watch TV don't really see all the things that are going on in Ukraine. We have seen crackdowns on social media over the last couple of days.

Twitter has been operating at an absolutely sluggish pace. The Russian government has said it will censor parts of Facebook. Wow. So not only is Putin cracking down on dissent, but he's lying about what's actually happening. Yeah. He's even banning the media from calling it an assault, an invasion or a war. All of the things that it is, by the way.

Which means Russian newscasters must be deep in their thesaurus. How do you even describe this? Now to our ongoing coverage of the international bullet exchange taking place in Ukraine right now? The state of the union address. The one night a year, Joe Biden stays up past 6 p.m. It's also the one night a year where the president gives the country a status update about how things are going, which if we're honest has always been a little

bit weird to me, you know? It's like why does it only happen once a year? You know like you get more updates from your doggy daycare in one afternoon, then you get from the president an entire year. That's a little weird. But whatever, the point is, it's an important night, which is why everyone, everyone from senators to Supreme Court justices to military generals all show up. Although this year was interesting because there were fewer people in attendance than normal, because some lawmakers didn't want to follow the COVID protocols. Yes, like Marco Rubio, who said, who said, who said, who said, who said, who said, who said, who said, who said, who said, who said, who said, who said, who said, who said, who said, who. Yes, like Marco Rubio, who said,

quote, he didn't have time to take a COVID test. And honestly, I don't have time to take a COVID test is a brave stance for someone who's tweeed like 50 times in the last 24 hours. To be honest, it's actually kind of relatable. You know, this is like when I say, I don't have time to make dinner because I'm watching Tick Tock. You've seen those otters, oh, they're so cute. They'll kill you, but they're cute. But once everyone who had 40 seconds to take the test

was seated, it was time for Joe Biden himself to enter the as he walked to the podium. Madam Speaker, the President of the United States. Hey, oh shit, I can't find my speech. Hey, hey, quit, you, what's the State of the Union? Hey, how you doing? Is the Union strong? Is it weak? Is it emo? Or is it a vibe shift?

Oh, shit, I'm ringing at a time. Ah, I'll just wing it! I know. Rough start. But Biden recovered, people. Oh, he recovered. You see, Joe Biden launched into this speech that touched on everything. Russia, COVID, inflation, inflation, and so much more. Entering a chamber filled with yellow and blue, the colors of the Ukrainian flag, President Biden forcefully condemning Vladimir Putin. He thought he could roll into Ukraine and the world would roll over.

Instead, he met with a wall of strength he never anticipated or imagined. He met the Ukrainian people. Ukraine's ambassador to the US receiving a standing ovation and an embrace from First Lady Jill Biden. The president also suggesting America is finally emerging from the pandemic. Stop looking at COVID as a partisan dividing line. See it for what it is. A god-off disease. And despite a fast-growing economy, President Biden acknowledging, too many people are still feeling the pain of rising prices.

In one surprising moment of unity, the president try to move his party to the middle, with a message on crime that even got some Republicans on their feet. The answer is not to defund the police, is to fund the police. Fund them. Yeah, you heard that right. Joe Biden said, fund the police. Oh, but I thought that was a Republican thing. I thought Democrats wanted to bulldoze police. fund the police. Oh, but I thought that was a Republican thing. I thought Democrats wanted to bulldoze police stations and replace them with community poetry centers. Yeah, maybe, but not Joe Biden.

People forget, I don't know why people forget this. For years, Joe Biden has been saying that he wants to invest more resources and training into the police. For years he's been saying this. The reason you probably might have missed it is because of how he speaks. We've got to police the funding and fund the funders, you know, come on, Jack, he's a fine negro. Putting multiple speeches in one.

I see what he's doing, he's saving time. So look, this was not a surprise from Joe Biden. And honestly, I'm just glad tha tha thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thus thus thus to to to to to to to to to told the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to told told the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. thean. thean. toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooe. toean. toean. toe. to glad he didn't get too swept up in that applause and go even further. Fund the police, all lives matter. Let's go, Brandon. Wait, that was about me. But it is kind of crazy that nothing has really changed when it comes to the police, right? Just think about it for a moment.

Like whether you want to defund the neither of those things have actually happened. And fatal police shootings actually went up last year. Yeah. So really, when you think about it, after all the marches and the protests and the national conversation, all we rarely got was Nancy Pelosi's Kentai clothing line. But aside from policing and COVID and Ukraine, Biden also brought up a lot of policies last night that he wanted Congress to pass this year, like letting Medicare negotiate the price of drugs, and doubling clean energy production, and raising taxes on corporations, and strengthening voting rights, which are all great ideas that I can't wait for him to bring up again at next year's state of the Union, because I mean, if we're honest, now that shit's going to pass through

this Congress. But Biden himself was doing his thing, man. He was giving his speech. He was in his elements. And Biden, being Biden, there were a bunch of moments in the speech that were just a little bit weirder than they had to be, you know. Like when he said this. If you get COVID-19, the Pfizer pill reduces your chances of ending up in the hospital by 90%. I've ordered more pills than anyone in the world has. Okay, okay. I guess the party's at Joe Biden's house tonight.

It would be funny if he meant that he ordered all of those pills, but just for himself. If I get Corona, I'm all set. Good luck to the rest of you bitches. Oh, and then there was also this moment, where Joe Biden was praising the people of Ukraine? Putin may circle Kiev with tanks, but it'll never gain the hearts and souls of the Iranian people. Technically true? It is technically true. Putin can do whatever he wants in Ukraine.

Nothing will make the Iranians back down. You know, at times this speech was like a birthday card from a four-year-old. A lot of the words didn't make sense, but you got what it was trying to say. And a pound of Ukrainian people, the proud, proud, proud, to pound, proud, pound, proud. the pounn, pound, pound, pound, pround, proud. Wasn't a bad save, you have to admit. It wasn't the worst save in the world. Here's a question I have.

Honest question, America. How come no politician in this country can ever just go, excuse me, and then correct themselves? Like, why do they just carry on, thrown, thii......... their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. to. to. to. to. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too. too. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their, their. the the the their, the the the the the tho, to, to. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. toe. toe. too. toe. toe. toe. toe. the time too, you know, they always got to twist the words and then make it sound like they didn't mess up. This country was built on fandom, freedom, a fandom and idea of freedom, and who's not a fan of freedom? Anyway, this country was built on freedom by a guy named fandom. I love fandom. And then of course, there was the thing that Biden said right at the end of his speech, which wasn't a mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake mistake, but left everybody confused. God bless you all, and may God protect our troops. Thank you. Go get him. I'm sorry, God protect our troops, go get him, who? I'm sorry, God protect our troops, go get him, go get him, who?

Go get God? Or the troops should get Putin? Who? Go get him, who? What is that? What does Biden just randomly shout? Go get him sometimes. I mean, it would explain why his dog kept attacking people. But honestly, the weirdest moments, would like Biden just like doing these things.

Go, go get him. Go get him? Was it one singular? I don't know. Actually, I stand correct. Those weren't the weirdest moments, actually. The weirdest moments didn't come from Biden. No, they came from the people who couldn't figure out when to clap for Biden. Like this moment from Chuck Schumer. The American Rescue Plan... The American Rescue Plan helped working people and left no one behind. Look hilarious, you see that?

It's like he was trying to rehearse his standing ovation. Okay, first the legs and then you put their hands. Okay, I think I got it, guys. I'm ready. Look, man, there's a simple rule in life. If you stand up in a speech at the wrong time, you've just got to commit. You stand up, you clap, and then you walk out that building and straight into the ocean. You die like a man. And if you thought that was really bad, then please tell me what the hell Nancy Pelosi

was doing here. And our troops in Iraq have faced in Afghanistan faced many dangers, one being stationed the base is breathing in toxic smoke from burn pits. Many of you have been there. I've been in and out of Iraq and Afghanistan over 40 times. What is that? What is that? What is that?

Looks like someone found all those pills Joe Biden ordered. Oh shit. Like her face, her hands, her body, it's, like, it all those pills Joe Biden ordered. Oh shit! Like her face, her hands, her body, because such a weird like giddiness. You know what it looks like? It almost makes it look like a cartoon character that's floating towards an apple pie. Ooh, tasty.

And I can't get over the hands. Like, just let it go. It looks like she was playing like rock paper scissors with herself, and then somehow just ended in a make-out session. Oh, yeah, you like that rocks, don't you? So that was basically the state of the union. That was it in a nutshell, to be honest. I mean, according to Joe Biden, inflation is bad, but he will try to make it better.

Drug prices are bad, but he will try try try try try to to try, to make it better. And I don't know who him is, but someone's coming to get him. And you know what? That makes me... One of the major costs of war is how many people get displaced. They have their lives totally uprooted. Like, we all think war is like call of duty. You know, you run and you shoot and then you reboot. But for most people, it's more like Oregon Trail, less exciting, much harder, and way more depressing. And I think we can all agree that it's a bad thing, man. It is a bad thing when anything comes close to World War two levels, with its refugees, fighting or waistlines.

It's always bad. And this is what people forget about war in a war, the war, the war, the war, the war, the war, the war, the war, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, and, thi, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, and, and, and, and, and, tho, and, and, and, and, and, tho, and, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, is, is, is, thi, is, thr. And, is, thr.a. And, is, thri.a. And, tho. And, is, togu. And, is, together, together, is, thi. And, war. You know, because sometimes you hear it about a war in another country. You hear about a war in another country and you think, oh, well, that's sad, but it's over there, so why should I care? But you should care. You should care. You know why? Because we're all interconnected in the modern age. Yeah. And that means the fallout of the ripple effects are everywhere. So in a way, Putin didn't just invade Ukraine. He's also invaded your gas tanks, right? He's invaded your grocery bill. He's invaded your social media feeds. Yeah, you just want to scroll and look at thoughts. Now instead it's thoughts and prayers. But one glimmer of hope, one glimmer of hope for these refugees is that all of Ukraine's neighboring countries are welcoming them with open arms.

Ukraine's neighbors welcoming the refugees with open arms, a warm drink and a hug in Moldova. In Slovakia, a chance to watch cartoons. Ukrainians welcomed by Hungarian officials and aid workers. Free tickets will get a solidarity ticket. A free seat on another train to the Hungarian capital where more help waits. You've got one European country after another saying that they will fast-track applications for asylum. The European Union is talking about giving them three years of temporary residency so they can work, they can access benefits. In Poland they have opened their borders,

open their arms to as many Ukrainian refugees as will arrive. We keep our borders open. The nationals of all countries who suffered from Russian aggression or whose life is at risk can seek shelter in my country. Poland's commissioner to the EU personally offered to host a family of refugees in his own home in Warsaw, but the refugees had found an alternative place to the EU personally offered to host a family of refugees in his own home in Warsaw, but the refugees had found an alternative place to stay. This is amazing people. All these countries in Europe have stepped up to take in all of these refugees. And what's also amazing is, if I heard correctly, the Polish commissioner to the EU offered to host a family of refugees in his home,

but they said, no thanks, we found another place. I don't care what you say, that's got to hurt. Yeah, you think you're helping refugees and they're like, wow, so is that your kitchen? Ah, it's only been eight days, my standards haven't dropped that much. But still, seeing these refugees being greeted with open arms and full hearts. It gives me a glimmer of hope in this world, you know, to see like people helping people in need. I mean, it is interesting though that Eastern Europe has been so willing and able to accept

a million people coming into their countries in just a few days, when just recently, just recently, didn't seem to have any space for a different group of refugees. The humanitarian crisis in Europe continues to grow and increasingly exposed fault lines hundreds of thousands of refugees streaming in from Syria and elsewhere. But as the arguing continues, so does the suffering. As Europe struggles for a solution, refugees forced to zigzag from one country to another with no clear path. The EU has effectively paid Turkey to keep Syrians from getting to another with no clear path. The EU has effectively paid Turkey to keep Syrians from getting to Greece. Poland had pledged to take in a number of the

refugees saying now that it is not going to do that. We will not be receiving migrants from the Middle East and North Africa in Poland. This is Hungary's solution to the flood of refugees pouring in a 13-foot fence topped with razor wire running about a hundred fifteen miles along its border with Serbia. Police and ride gear told they can shoot rubber bullets at anyone who tries to cross. Hostility here in Hungary, video shocking the world. The Hungarian camera woman kicking that girl as she runs from police.

And this, as a man runs by, carrying a small child, she trips him and he falls to the ground. Hungary's Prime Minister, Victor Urban, had a message for the migrants themselves. The moral human thing is to make clear, please don't come. Hmm. That's really strange. When it's Syrians who are fleeing a war, it's all, we do not have space, do not come. But now the space and people must come, what changed? I mean, when the Syrians needed refuge, even the camera crew was drop-kicking families.

Yeah, but now Ukrainians are getting accommodation, they're getting visas, they're getting work benefits, which, by the way, is good thiiii. thiiii. But I'm just saying, where's their dropkkick. drop kick. And look, we don't even have to speculate. We don't have to speculate about why they treating Ukrainians so differently than refugees from Africa or from the Middle East. It's because the Prime Minister of Belgary, he came out and said it, right? He said, these are not the refugees we are used to. These people are Europeans, these people are intelligent, they are educated people. Yeah. It's a kind of a shocking thing to say. But at the same time I will say,

I'm impressed that the Prime Minister of Bulgaria has found the time to get to know all one million refugees that have fled Ukraine in the past week. You must be very efficient at making small talk. So where are you from? What you do? What do you think? Don't get me wrong, don't get me wrong here. I understand the arguments, right? I understand the arguments that these countries will make, right? That they have to think about how easy it is for refugees to integrate into their culture and society. I get that.

I truly get that. It's just like it's easier for you to take in a family member who's in trouble than a random person, than, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, thr-a, thr-a, tho, tho, tho, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. the, the, the, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that's that that that that that that that, that, that, that, of guys who were up to no good, but there's reason Uncle Fool and Aunt Viv only took in will. I get it. But it doesn't mean it's impossible. It doesn't mean it's impossible. And the problem I have is that when it's Syrians or Africans on a boat, these countries didn't even try to integrate them. They didn't even say women and children only. No, they reject even the chance that anyone Brown could assimilate.

Your skin is too dark. You couldn't possibly eborshed. And I know right now, I know right now that somebody who's like, Ah, Trevor, again with the racism. What is it with black people and the racism? We're always talking about racism. You know I go years at a time without even thinking about racism. It's easy. Why don't you try? Well, maybe the reason black people always talking about racism is because racism is always

happening to the black people. And we're seeing it again now in Ukraine. African and Indian students stuck in Ukraine are accusing officials of discriminating against them and pushing them back from getting to the border. This video posted to Twitter reads, watch how they are threatening to thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thiiia.. thiolioliolioliola. thi. thioliol-a. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the the the the the their their th. their their their th. their th. th. their thia. their their their thia. their their their their their thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. them back from getting to the border. This video posted to Twitter reads, Watch how they are threatening to shoot us, saying they're after Ukraine-Poland border, the police and army are refusing to let Africans cross, they only allow Ukrainians. Foreign students who faced segregation and racism.

At the border crossing to Poland, some say they were told they can't board buses there because they were meant for Ukrainians only. Videos have been posted on social media said to show black people being prevented from boarding a train and left stranded at a railway station in Lviv as Ukrainians were allowed on. One Congo native saying he was discriminated against while trying to board a train out of Ukraine. They even told us like, we are going to give you guns and you're going to fight for Ukraine. I said, hi. We're going to fight for Ukraine.

We are not Ukrainian. We are black. So how can we fight? How can we fight for Ukraine? Yeah. Just think about this for a moment. Black people. Students, tourists, visitors, many of them are saying, are are are are are are are are th. thoves. thoeeee. thoea. thoea, thoea, thoea, thoea, thoe. thoea, thoe. thoea thoea tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tourists, visitors, many of them are saying they cannot get out of the country, they can't get out because they're black, they just get blocked at the border.

And for this guy, I mean, this is wild. Imagine being prevented from leaving the country and not just that, but they say, no, not only can you not leave, you have to grab a gun and fight. That is insane. People from other countries haven't thiaeeee. thiiiiiiiiii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. they're they're they're they're they're just, they're they're they're they're they're, they're, they're, they's, they's, they's, they's, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, they. they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, they. they're they're they're th. th. th. the. the. the. thean. thean. thean. thean. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they'reld that they have to fight. Why does he? Huh? The British person gets to go. The African guy, no, no, you're staying. We've watched Beasts of No Nation. We know you guys know how to handle yourselves. This is what you guys do.

That's not fair, man. When you go to another country, you don't expect with Venice, maybe you fight for us in a war? Ah, have you seen the pyramids? Welcome. It's extremely weird. It's extremely weird to ask some random African guy to fight for Ukraine. Why is that expected of him? Why can't he join the fight? Why can't he join the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight fight fight the fight fight fight fight fight fight the fight fight fight fight fight fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight the fight fight fight fight the fight the fight fight the fight fight the fight the fight fight the fight fight the fight the fight fight fight fight the fight the fight fight the fight fight fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight the fight. the fight. the fight. the fight. the way way way from other countries do, by posting an insta story of the Ukrainian flag with a little heart emoji. I'm here for you, Ukraine. That's not the point. The bigger point is that there seems to be a widespread discrimination against people of color

who are trying to flee a war zone. And it's nuts. It's really nuts to see border guards suddenly turn into club bounces. Everybody on the bus! Every on the bus! Hold on! No hooties, no sneakers. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, and the hot friend, yeah, she can come on. Not to mention, it's gonna be super confusing for the Russian army when they roll into

Kiev and then there's only black people left. Comrades, I think we took wrong turn somewhere. I told you don't use Apple Maps, use Ways. And look, I know because of these stories there are many Africans and many Middle Easterners who are seeing these videos and they're like, you know what? Screw Ukraine. If they're going to be racist, Putin can take Ukraine and he can have Poland for desserts. For real, that's what a lot of people are saying. You can see it online. People are angry because they're like how can you let the the th th th th then then then then then then then then the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the, the, tho tho tho tho tho tho thi, thi, thi, thi, I thi, I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the, the, the thean, thean. thean thean tean tean. tean, thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. they're like, how can you let racism get in the way of getting people out of the way of war? But I think rather than this being a moment to turn on each other, this refugee crisis should be a reminder that refugee is not a synonym for brown person. Anyone could become a refugee. It's a thing

that happens to you. It's not who you are. And who knows? You know, maybe one day, you might be a refugee. I hope it doesn't happen to you, but it could. And if God forbid that day comes, wouldn't you want someone without any prejudice in their heart to open their doors to you, to welcome you into their home so that you can look around their doors to you, to welcome you into their home, so that you can look around their house and say, ah, thanks. I think I can do better. Before we go, as you've seen, families in Ukraine are fleeing violence and urgently need emergency aid.

Care's immediate crisis response aims to reach 4 million people, prioritizing women and girls, and families and the elderly. So if you can, please donate the to rush, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thanks, thanks, thanks, their thanks, their their thanks, their their their thanks, thanks, their thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, their thanks, their thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, their thanks, their thanks, thanks, their thanks, thanks, thanks, their th and girls and families and the elderly. So if you can, please donate at the link below to rush urgently needed water, food, hygiene kits and ongoing support in Ukraine. Watch the Daily Show, weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a comedy central podcast.