The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories | The Democrats Keep Control of the Senate

Episode Date: November 19, 2022

The Democrats keep control of the Senate, Kari Lake denies the Arizona gubernatorial results, Trump announces his presidential bid, and Hershel Walker talks vampires and werewolves. Here’s what happened this week.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. The United Kingdom, where a protester who threw eggs at King Charles has now been banned from carrying eggs in public. As a condition of his bail. And I mean, that just really shows you how much England has lost its edge, you know? In the old days, if you came at the king, they would torture you in the tower of London for the rest of your life. Now it's like, you attacked our king, well, good luck making an omelet now. In some news from the world of philanthropy, Jeff Bezos announced that he will be giving Dolly Parton $100 million to celebrate her good deeds in the world.

Yeah, and that's how rich Jeff Bezos is. Imagine being so rich that you think it's charity when you give money to millionaires. He's like, oh, you poor thing. You don't even have a spaceship, do you? Oh, yeah, let me break you off some. Oh, in major geopolitical news, President Biden met for the first time with his Chinese counterpart, Jijin-Ping. And after the three-hour meeting, Biden declared that an invasion of Taiwan is not imminent. And I know what probably happened here. Jizin-Pin went into that meeting planning to stick it to Joe. But first, Biden told him about that one time where he had that friend who was a negro baseball player, he used to work at the pool with all the kids and he'd ride the Amtray all

the way to Stranter, man. Scranton's a day, man. Scranter so different back then. And Jijin Pin was like, you know what, you can have Taiwan, just stop talking. I don't know what any of this is. Just leave me alone. All right, but let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day. Starting with the midterms. That magical time of the year when the most exciting thing on TV is Steve Kornaki doing math. Now, votes are still being counted across the country, but a few things are clear.

One, you can take off your I-voted sticker now, we get it. And two, Senate Democrats are about to get two more years in the driver's seat. Let's begin with Democrats shocking the political world by retaining control of the United States Senate, thanks to a win overnight in Nevada. Democrats now taking a victory lap, defying history and expectations, on track to their best midterm performance since John F. Kennedy was president.

This is a very happy day. With at least 50 seats and Vice President Kamala Harris's tie-breaking vote, Democrats now keep control of the upper chamber. Regardless of the outcome of Georgia's Senate runoff, sleeted for December 6. Holding the Senate gives President Biden and his party control over the legislative agenda there and critically judicial confirmations, including the Supreme Court if another seat opens up. That's right. Now that Nevada and Arizona have been called,

the Democrats have officially kept control of the Senate for another two years. which is a huge surprise. I mean when Chuck Schumer heard that happen his glasses nearly fell right off his face. I mean at least I'm assuming that's why they're down there, right? And remember, remember the reason this is so important is because keeping the Senate means that Democrats can keep confirming judges including Supreme Court just, like if any of them retire, or let's say, I don't know, gets like a DUI, you know? I still like beer. My man.

But, but, remember, if Republicans take control of the House, then every dream the Democrats have of codifying Roe v. Wade or taxing the rich or turning Pete Budaje into a real boy, they can't do it. I mean, they probably weren't going to do it anyway, but now they have someone to blame. Those pesky Republicans! Now, of course, there's still the Georgia runoff in December between Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker, which the Democrats don't need to win in order to control the Senate. But it would give them extra cushion for when Joe Manchin tries to cockblock them, or Kirsten Cinema goes rogue, or Bernie Sanders misses a vote because he's arguing with a grocery store manager. It's just, you know, just shove that apple pay up your ass, I want to pay with a check.

Wait, hold on, I wrote the wrong date. You'll give him give him another another, we're going to have to wait until December to see what the final count in the Senate is. And really, that race can go either way. But can we just admit now that the stakes are a little lower? You kind of want to see what Herschel Walker would be like as a senator. I'm not saying they should. And I'm not saying it would be good th be good th be good th be good th be good th be good th be good th be good th be good th be good th be good th be good th be good the good the good the good the good the good the good the good the the the the the the the the the the theer the the the the the the the the the the the the to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the And I'm not saying it would be good for Georgia or for the country. But, but when he gets Mitch McConnell pregnant with another secret baby, it'll be all worth it.

It'll be all worth it. Oh, he sent me a card in our $5,000. But while the Democrats are celebrating their success in the midterms, Republicans are being He sent me a card, you know, $5,000, blah. But while the Democrats are celebrating their success in the midterms, Republicans are being forced to look ahead to 2024, and the question of who will take on the animated corpse of Joe Biden for the presidency. So obviously, obviously, all eyes on Donald Trump, you know, because he's the person who has promised a big announcement from Marilago tomorrow.

Yeah, and no one knows what the big announcement could be. It could, could just be that he successfully walked down a ramp or that he finally memorized all the words to the McDonald's Big Mac song, but everyone is expecting that it's going to be his entry into the presidential race. Yeah. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! And there are a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the no. And no. And no. And no. And no. And no. And no. And no. And no. And no. And no. And the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. And th. And tho. And tho. And tho. And tho. And tho. And th. And tho. And no. And no one. And no. And no. And no. And no. be his entry into the presidential race. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh. And there are a lot of reasons people think that Trump is going to run again, right? They think he wants to avoid an indictment. They think he thinks he's already won last time.

It could be the fact that he has a Cinem know! But the biggest hint that he's running again is that he spent a lot of time recently making fun of other Republicans who might think of running. You remember he called Ron DeSanctus, Ron de Sanctemonious. He mocked Mike Pence's polling numbers, and then last week, he found something to say about a new target, Virginia Governor Glenn Yonkin. On Friday, the former president posted on his social media platform, Truth Social, that Yonkin's last name, quote, sounds Chinese. The post read in part, Yonkin, now that's an interesting take, sounds Chinese, doesn't it?

Couldn't have one without me. You know just when I think Trump has hit peak strange? He finds a way to take it to another level. He's like super-Saian of strange because first of all, first of all, how are you so racist that you can make an anti-Asian remark about a white guy? I don't even understand that. And secondly, how are you so weird that you can surprise yourself in your own text? He's the one typing, then he's like, now that's an interesting thing. You wrote it! Are you guys seeing what just happened? You typed it!

Like, who are you? How does your brain work? The only explanation that makes sense in my head is that he typed the guy's name in, and then it auto-correcteded to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to young to young to young to young to young to young to young to young to young to young to young to young to young to young to young to young to young to young to young to young to young to young to my head is that he typed the guy's name in and then it auto-corrected to young kin and now Trump is having a conversation with his auto-correcting like, wow, I never thought of it that way keyboard. You should be my running mate. So smart, so strong, so clever. So clever.

But... So clever. But, but this moment here is just another one where you realize that the tide is turning against Trump ever since the midterms. Because this time, Republicans are pushing back against him. Yeah, they've come out, they're like, this is not cool, why are you saying this? they're fighting him. You realize if this happened before the midterms, Yonken would have come out like, why yes, in fact, in thi thi thi thi th. in, in, in, in thi, in, in thi thi thi thi, in thi, in fact, in fact, in fact, in fact, in fact, in fact, I, I, I, I, I th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th this is not cool, why are you saying this? They're fighting him. You realize if this happened before the midterms, Yonkin would have come out like, why yes, in fact, I am a Chinese man. Ni-Hi-Ni, Mr. Trump.

But let's move on to some financial news. After being hailed as the future of money, 2022 has been cryptocurrency's worst year yet. The crypto market has lost 1.3 trillion dollars worldwide. Hundreds of crypto currencies have completely disappeared and Matt Damon has moved on to selling Herbalife. And now just when we thought the crypto world couldn't fall any lower, this happened. One popular cryptocurrency exchange is on the brink of collapse this morning. F-TX filed for bankruptcy Friday leaving investors scrambling and destabilizing the entire industry. The company's 30-year-old CEO, Sam

Bankman Freed, resigned and his 16 billion dollar fortune erased. Bloomberg has called his meteoric fall from grace when a history's greatest ever destructions of wealth. At its peak, the crypto exchange was worth $32 billion and benefited from Superstar endorsements from Tom Brady, Giselle Bunchen, Naomi Osaka and Steph Curry. The NBA's Miami Heat had its venue renamed as FTX arena just last year, but now that name's coming off the building. The downfall of FTX began earlier this month, when reports raised serious questions about its financial health.

Those questions triggered a bank run on the exchange as too many customers tried to withdraw their assets. By Thursday, Bankman Freed was apologizing on Twitter saying quote, I'm sorry I f*** up and should have done better. Yeah, one of the biggest cryptocurrency exchanges has filed for bankruptcy, going from being worth $30 billion to being $8 billion in the whole. And do you know how hard it is to lose that much money overnight without buying Twitter? This wasn't easy. And look, I will say I am glad that he apologized, but a tweet saying, I f-ed up doesn't capture

the enormity of what you've done. You know, I-f-ske-up is the wrong address. I-fee-up is like the wrong Uber or something. At the very least, you've got to add like 10 more U's, because you've... You f-f's up. At the very least you've got to add like 10 more use because you F. This crypto collapse is sending shockwaves everywhere, everywhere, from people losing billions of dollars to the Miami Heat being forced to change the name of their arena, right? Now that FTX is broke, you saw that. And I'll be honest with you, I feel like this one is on the heat. If you're going to let a company buy the naming rights to your arena.. the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be their to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to bea. to bea. to be forced. to be forced. to be forced. to be forced. to be forced. to be forced. to be forced. to be forced. to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be. to be. toe. their. their. their. their. their. their. tip. their. tip. tiph. tiph. tiph. toe. toe. tiph. toe. toe. to'll be honest with you, I feel like this one is on the heat.

If you're going to let a company buy the naming rights to your arena, at least make sure it's an established company. Don't commit to some crypto startup that's been around for two years. This is like going on a first date. And then when the person goes to the bathroom, you get a lower, you, you, you, the their, you, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, that, that, that, at the that, at their, at their, at their, at their, at their, at their, at their, at their, at their, at their, at their, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at their, at their, at their, at their, at their, at their, at their, at their, at their, at their, at their, at their, at th. th. th. th. that, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, at least, no way this could backfire. Yeah. Wait, it's Chanus? I thought it was Jenny. And you have to admit, you have to admit. It is crazy that a crypto collapse can take so much real money with it. Think about it.

It's fake money, but people lost real savings. It's like finding out someone's imaginary friend died by driving your car off a cliff. You're like, how? Your friend wasn't real. They were real to me. And personally, I hope Tom Brady didn't invest too much of his money in this company. Because otherwise he'll never be able to retire. Hey, he's gonna be like 90 years old in a huddle just like, you're gonna run

a post out left and you block the blitz. And did I ever tell you by that time I had a friend who was a negro baseball player and you said, we're at the pool with the kids, the Amtrak and the Skap it, blah, blah, my word and jump back. Come on, Jack, come on let's do it. Taylor Swift. This morning, tickets went on sale for the singer's first tour in four years. And so many fans rushed onto the ticketmaster site that it immediately crashed. I mean, no one could get tickets.

And yeah, Ticketmaster did Taylor Swift so wrong, she's already put out three albums about them. They're gonna learn their lesson. And look, I know everyone thinks getting these tickets is the most important thing in the world, but it's really not. All right? If you don't get them, just relax, log off, you know, just give the site like a chance to cool down and repair itself and then you know don't bother And then you just you just chill. Ah, all right. I got mine. You can go back on you can go back on you do whatever you want In in labor news Amazon is reportedly planning to lay off up to 10,000 employees this week. Yeah, the largest job cuts in the company's history and I don't even know how this is possible, and? I don't even know. th, th, th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, don't tho, don't tho, don't th, don't tho, don't tho, don't tho, don't tho, don't tho, don't tho, don't tho, don't tho, don't tho, don't tho, don't th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho tho tho thoooooooo thoooooooooooo the the the thooooooooooooo tho tho tho to 10,000 employees this week. Yeah, the largest job cuts in the company's history.

And I don't even know how this is possible. All right? Me and everyone I know buys something on Amazon, thears the thrown to the times, and then returns up the next day when we realize we didn't actually need it anymore. How are they not making money? And I feel for all all all all all all all all all all all all all all silver lining is, at least you can steal great shit on the way out. Yeah, no, at most offices you can only take, what, like a stapler? But if you get fired from Amazon, you've got like seven air friars, huh?

He's walking out of the warehouse like, my prime day came early! Oh, in international news, Europe is on high alert tonight, after Russian missiles aimed at Ukraine hit Poland instead. Yeah, which apparently could trigger a full NATO response. And honestly, like, why do these World Wars always got to start in Poland? It's like the Waffle House parking lot of Europe. And look, I don't want to start in Poland. It's like the Waffle House parking lot of Europe. And look, I don't want to scare anyone. I don't want to scare anyone.

But this could be the beginning of World War III. I don't want to scare you, though. I'm not saying it will be, it could be. So remember, this is a good phones. And just spend some... Four more tickets! Yes! Suckers! I'm going to be the front row by myself.

All right, let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day. Starting with the latest on the midterms, which, yes, the votes are somehow still being counted. I think election officials are like using their finger. I don't know. The point is we need to be patient. But it's becoming increasingly clear that the American people, or at least the half of them who actually voted, have delivered a split decision with Democrats taking the Senate and Republicans, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their the the their their their their, I their, I their, their, the the the their, their, their, and their their their their their their their their their their their their their they....... the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the in order for America to succeed, Democrats and Republicans will have to work together.

So, America will not succeed. And you know, it's kind of a weird situation for America to be in. You know, having a split Congress is like being raised by two parents who don't see eye to eye on anything. Yeah, like, one parent wants you to take ballet lessons, and the other parent thinks ballet lessons are a communist plot to turn you trans. And neither parent wants you to ask questions about who killed Jeffrey Epstein. But the midterms weren't just about who runs D.C. It turns out they were also about who runs the states. And in Arizona, a closely watched governor's race has finally been called.

This morning, another major symbolic defeat for former President Donald Trump in the midterms. Democrat Katie Hobbs narrowly beating Republican Kerry Lake for Arizona governor. Lake had been one of Mr. Trump's most prominent allies in the midterms, and one of the staunches supporters of his false claims claims denying the results of the 2020 election. Lake continuing to question her own race the results last night tweeting Arizonans no BS when they see it. Yes apparently they do. They do. They do. But I guess in the least surprising plot twist ever, a woman who ran on a platform of denying election results is now denying her election results.

And in a way, I bet she's relieved that she lost. Because if she won, then what? She would have had to deny herself? It would have shattered her reality. It would be like, TLC, meeting a scrub and liking him. What? It turns out a scrub is a guy who can get love from me? What? No, you know what? I'm gonna go chase some waterfalls. Anyway, this is a lot for Carrie Lake. So please, please, let's give her some space as she goes through the five stages of Republican grief. Denial, denial, po pooping in Nancy Pelosi's office

and denial. But remember, remember, the reason this result has big implications is because with Carrie Lakes loss, rather, every election denier running for governor or secretary of state in a swing state has now lost their races, which is huge for democracy. It's a huge victory. You know? This is just like in those horror films where they kill the monster. And then he never comes back again. You did it, Democrats!

Now leave the knife on the council and go take a sexy shower upstairs, yeah. But enough about the midterms, enough about that. The campaign is over and it's time for the parties to govern. I'm shitting you. It's not going to happen. It's actually time for the parties to campaign for the next election. I don't know why, but America loves campaigning. It's like you campaign to campaign. It's, campaign, campaign, campaign, campaign, campaign, campaign, campaign, campaign, campaign, campaign, it, it, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, to, to, to campaign, campaign to campaign, it never ends. It's like seeing someone who's only interested in foreplay. You like that? You ready? Yeah, well let's put your clothes back on and start again. Oh yeah, what's your name?

Oh yeah, let's do that again. Anyway, as everyone prepares themselves for what the 2024 race will be like with Trump, there's one part that'll be different this time. And that is one of Trump's biggest ass-lickers, is going to be leaving his ass very dry. Nearly two years after a mob of Donald Trump's supporters attacked the Capitol, disrupting the transfer of power, and chanting Hang Mike Pence. Trump's once loyal Vice President is finally telling his story about what happened that day.

The President's words were reckless. And his actions were reckless. The president's words that day at the rally endangered me and my family and everyone at the Capitol building. Given all that you witnessed in the Capitol on that day, this is a pretty straightforward question, a yes or no, do you believe that Donald Trump should ever be president again? David, I think that's up to the American people. But I think we'll have better choices in the future.

Hell yeah! Good for Mike Pence, telling Donald Trump, you almost got me and my family killed, which is why I'm now prepared to say that it's possible there are better alternatives to you in the next election, although that decision will be up to the American people. You tell him, Mike Pence, ooh, you tell him. Who? Who? For real, man, it's a simple question.

Do you support Trump or not? I can't believe Mike Pence is the one leaving us hanging. And I know why he's doing this, right? I know why he's doing it. He doesn't want to go too hard against Trump, because he's still hoping to win over Trump's voters if he runs for president, which is so delusional. Trump's people were the ones who wanted to kill him.

The only reason they would elect him president is so that they know for sure where he lived. Why would they vote for you? And even if that strategy works, it still makes him a punk-ass bitch. It does. I'm sorry, but this, he's not the type of man you want leading the United States. All right?

Oh, you can't even say the thing out loud. If Pence was present, forget China. Canada would be invading. Yeah. Just be like, oh, sorry, sorry, we're going to take Oregon, eh? Oh, it just seems so easy. Sorry, sorry. But let's move on to some international news right now. If you're going through a breakup, your friends might be telling you that there are lots of people out there and they're

right. In fact, they're more right today than ever before. UN says that there'll be a new milestone in human development as the world population is expected to hit eight billion today. The agency adds that this unprecedented growth is due to improvements in public health, medicine, and high levels of fertility in some countries. This is staggering when you consider that 100 years ago, according to the UN, the global population was 2 billion or under. Now it's 8 billion. Hell yeah, 8 billion people everybody. Eight billion people on earth. I didn't need the UN to tell me this. I could already tell there

were 8 billion people because every single one of them was ahead of me for Taylor Swift tickets in line. And I'm proud. I am proud of all of us people because say what you want about the human race but one thing is for sure we're fucking. Yeah. Congratulations to everyone for sure we're f-feeking. Yeah. Congratulations to everyone for smashing. And yes, some people are working harder than others, but the rest of us deserve some credit, too.

Although, I kind of wish that the UN didn't even announce this, you know? Because it feels like bragging, you know? Yeah, like, I feel like COVID is going to see that we that we that we that we that we that we that we hit that we hit that we hit that we hit that we hit that we hit that we hit that we hit that we hit that we hit that we hit that we hit that we hit a that we hit a that we hit a to hit a new to hit a new to hit a new to to that we hit to to to to to to to to to to to that the UN didn't even announce this, you know, because it feels like bragging, you know? Yeah, like I feel like COVID is going to see that we hit a new population milestone and be like, well I saw them hit eight billion and I took that personal. I saw that. I was like, I might come back. And by the way, I get now why the United Nations never actually does anything. Yeah, people are like, can you maybe stop the war in Ukraine and they're like, sorry, we're kind of busy. Seven billion, two hundred million and one, seven billion, two, seven billion. And a lot of people, a lot of people are worried that eight billion people

is too much and that we need some way to control overpopulation. Although I find it interesting that those people never think of themselves as part of the problem. I find it interesting that those people never think of themselves as part of the problem. Yeah, there's always people who are like, Earth is too crowded, we gotta get rid of some of these people. You're like, oh, how about you? Your people? No, not me. I meant like China or something.

Come on, what are you talking about? And honestly, I don't think it's a myth. a better job of distributing its resources, right? But, but, but if we are going to reduce the population, I think the smartest way to do it is just to get rid of identical twins. No, because it's a waste. It's a complete waste, right? We already have one of you. Yeah, it's like having two copies of the same picture on your phone. Just delete one, easy. Please, wait, don't, don copies of the same picture on your phone. Just delete

one, easy. Please wait, don't, don't, don't twist my words, don't get it twisted. I don't want to hear identical twins being like, oh Trevor, are you saying you're going to kill my brother? No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying you have to. I'm saying you have to. The Grammy Awards. Yesterday, the full list of nominations was announced, and Beyonce is leading the pack with nine nominations. Which amazingly, ties her with her husband Jay-Z for the all-time record of 83 nominations. Yeah, yeah makes your hashtag marriage goes look like shit. Oh and congratulations to

Amanda Gorman, the poet who got her first nomination for best spoken word album. That's pretty amazing, congratulations to her. And to Joe Biden who got a nomination for best we think those are the words, album? Well done, sir, well done. In tech news, Elon Musk is continuing his makeover of Twitter by telling employees that from now on, the work environment will be, quote, extremely hardcore. Yeah, and they should prepare themselves. But if anyone insults him, he'll call his mommy and fire them.

That's not hardcore, it's just mean. And by the way, I don't know if he can afford to fire any more employees. I mean, he's already fired half of the company. Pretty soon Elon Musk is going to be the only one working at Twitter. We're going to be sitting there like, why haven't my tweets? for like 20 minutes and you know and be like sorry I was taking a shit it was so hardcore. All right where was I? Oh in international news NATO has announced that the stray missiles that hit Poland yesterday were not fired by Russia after all as was reported. Yeah they were actually Ukrainian missiles being launched against Russian attackers. So the good news is that NATO doesn't have to go to war against Russia.

The bad news is it now has to go against Ukraine. Yeah? Rules are rules. The rules are rules. I'm just glad it wasn't what we thought it was. And Poland is like, we still got bombed. All right, let's move on to the big story of the day. As you know, America's midterm election was just one week ago. The votes in many districts are still being counted. The runoff for Georgia Senate's seat is still three weeks away. And Wolf Blitzer is still waking up in the middle of the night shouting,

key race alert! Key race alert! My point is, the 2022 midterms are not over. Which means now is the perfect time to start covering the 2024 election. There have been so many times over the last two years when people have said that Donald jobless Trump was finished for sure. They said he was finished when he lost to an ancient artifact. They said he was finished when he was impeached for throwing a house party without his parents' permission. When he got his hand stuck under the fridge

trying to get a Cadbury cream egg that rolled underneath there. Just let go of the egg, Donald. One thing people don't realize is, Donald Trump doesn't care what anyone else thinks about his political future. And you saw that last night because he swapped out the buffet table at Maralago for American flags and made a big announcement. On stage at his South Florida estate, Donald Trump announcing the White House run he's hinted at ever since his 2020 election defeat. In order to make America great and glorious again I am tonight announcing my candidacy for president of the United States.

The former president impeached twice, including for his role in the January 6th insurrection, placing himself at the head of a movement to take power back for his supporters. This is our country, our government. Now at the center of multiple investigations, Mr. Trump said a weaponized justice system is the greatest threat to the U.S. We must conduct a top-to-bottom overhaul to clean out the festering rot and corruption of Washington, D.C. And I'm a victim. I will tell you.

I'm a victim. That's right, folks. I'm the biggest victim of all. Every time I do something illegal. They come after me. I've done 30 illegal things. They've come after me at least 20 times. It's so unfair, so unfair. You know, as ridiculous as this is, I'm actually glad he's being honest about why he's running. He's running for the same reason every shirtless

gown cops runs. The popo is chasing him. He said it. But this, this is what Trump does. He's always the victim, the poor billionaire, who only owns 15 golf courses and got to run the world's most powerful country for four years. Oh, woe is me. If Trump was a prince in a fairy tale, the movie would suck and the princess would never get saved. You know? Yeah, The dwarves would be like, please, we need you to save Snow White. And he's like, who's gonna save me? Do you know how many scares are in my castle?

I'm so tired. Do you know how hard it is to pick from in a bed of coins? So hard. But that's right. Trump is getting the old team back together for one more run at the White House. And of course, I say that metaphorically since most of the old team is in jail. The point is though, he's officially in the race. And you have to admit this is an interesting way to kick off your presidential campaign. Vote for me, I'm a whiny piss baby. Because that's what most of his speech was about. And apparently he's not the only victim. No, according to the Donald, running America into the ground was also very hard on his family. And it hasn't been a joyride for our great first lady either. I go home and he says you look angry and

upset. I say just leave me alone I got. Hasn't been the easiest thing. In fact my one boy stand up Eric. I think he got more subpoenas than any man in the history of our country. So unfair. Al Capone, you're all heard of the great gangster. Al Capone got far less. of the great gangster? Al Capone got far less. Billy the kid got almost done. Jesse James, no. Eric Trump got more subpoenas. He's a PhD in subpoenas.

They come from Congress. They... Yeah, that's right. No one suffered more from the Trump presidency than the Trump family. Yeah, while the rest of you were living it up in your border cages and enjoying an endless buffet of COVID, Eric Trump was being asked to answer some questions. What a hard life. And look, to be fair, I will admit that Eric has gotten more subpoenas than guns thiners like Billy the Kid and Jesse James. And those guys in the Wild West, oh, well, well, well, they they they they they they got, well, they got, they got, they got, they got, they got, they got, they got, they got, they got, they got, they got, they got, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, th, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, throooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom. thi, th. And those guys in the Wild West, well, they got a lot of subpoenas. We've all seen the movies. I have papers.

I have papers for Mr. Ugly? Is Mr. Ugly here? You know what, you guys look busy? I'll come back later, yeah? You know what, you guys look busy? Uh, I'll come back later, yeah? And by the way, by the way, that story that he told, that Trump told about him and Melania, was anyone else surprised as I was to hear it, was Trump telling Melania to leave him alone? Yeah, Melania was probably like, oh no, anything but that. Oh, I'll give you some space. How about forever? Now, you might be thinking,

this speech probably sucked, right? Because you're not a fan of Donald Trump, but it turns out even the people who were there to see him didn't exactly want to stay. Trump displayed a fraction of his 2016 energy. The speech ran twice as long as scheduled and for long stretches left his crowd restless and silent. This was a teleprompter Trump, low energy, very, very unusual. He started to get bored and started to ad lib and it just turned into a rambling mess in my opinion.

Candidly, he was quite subdued, low energy. I thought this speech tonight was lame. I thought the crowd was lame. Reporters inside the ballroom at Marlago noticed a handful of Trump supporters attempting to leave before Trump was done speaking. But security won't let them. Oh, damn. Say what you will about Trump, but the man takes these border security seriously.

Nobody's getting out. We're gonna build a wall. Build a wall. Keep them in. But for real, you know a club is shitty when you need a bouncer to keep people in. That's where you know things are not going well. And I actually feel bad for the crowd. They're probably scared as hell. They're like, oh no, we're trapped in here. Trump has us locked up. He's locked us up. He's locked us up. And you know, Trump aside, I will say, I will say, it is a little strange. I'll be honest, I think it is a little strange, that so many people in the news media were fixated on how boring the speech was. Like who cares? You know? For years they were like, this is not normal and now they're like, this is too normal. Say something about the

Mexicans. We need ratings, Donald. Now despite Trump's triumphant return, the word on the street is that he might not have the support that he needs to win. Yeah, apparently Republican elites are clamoring for Rhonda Sanctus, all right? Major Republican donors have announced that they won't back Trump this time. Even Ivanka released a statement saying she doesn't want to be a part of the campaign, instead she wants to focus on her family, which, of course course I understand. I mean she's got that adorable little boy at home. And I think she has kids, you know? So yeah, a lot of major players in the Republican world are not thrilled that Donald Trump is running again. Although apparently many Democrats are happy.

Yeah, including people like Bernie Sanders who said Trump running may be a horror show for the country, but I've got to say that as a politician who wants to see that no Republican is elected to the White House in 2024, from that perspective his candidacy is probably a good thing. And yeah, you know Bernie, Bernie's probably right. Democrats should be praying for Donald Trump to win the nomination so that they can easily crush him in the general election. Yeah, that kind of thinn politician thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tho- to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi. thi. thi. the the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to to to to to to to should be praying for Donald Trump to win the nomination so that they can easily crush him in the general election. Yeah, that kind of thinking has never horribly backfired.

Just ask President Hillary Clinton, what could go wrong? But for real people, are we really going to do this again? We're gonna do everything to say, the Democrats are gonna hope to face Trump. The media is gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna to to toe, toe, the toe, the toe, toe, the thiii, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tooooooooooooo........ tooooooo.... thi. thi.. thi. thi. thi. th Trump, the media is going to write him off because Republicans don't support him. Forgetting that Republicans didn't support him the first time, then he got on stage, roasted Chris Christie, slapped Jayb Bush so hard, his whole family felt it. And then all of a sudden the whole Republican Party was like, you are our king now.

And that was the time is different, we beat him already. Yeah, remember that he only lost to Joe Biden by 44,000 votes. And that was during a pandemic where Trump told everyone to bleach their lungs. He's probably not going to do that again. Probably. And you're probably like, yeah, but but this year all of Trump's MAGA election deniers lost. Yeah, but they lost by like 1% percent. Those are not fucking around and find out margins, people. Those are the kind of margins weight. Anything is a little bit different next time. Trump could win those states.

Gas prices could be higher. The economy could be worse. Joe Biden could keep getting older. Anything is possible. But no, I guess everyone's going to act out the Democrats are going to hope he wins. Republicans aren't going to stand up to him until it's too late. And the news will give him live coverage for every single word that he utters. I just pooped again, breaking news. But I'll tell you what, if we're all going to do the same things again,

just let me know now. Because this time I'll be prepared. I'll go visit all the shit-Shaphaphaph. I'll invest in tiki torches and best believe I'm going to stock up on a shit-ton of toilet paper because I'm not using my socks again. You hear me? That is not happening again. The Moon, aka Ashy Earth. The last time humans set foot on it was 1972. But now we might finally be getting a sequel.

NASA going back to the moon for the first the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the moon for the first time in five decades Launching the most powerful rocket in the world into space kicking off its high stakes Artemis one mission this is a test flight with test dummies but if this succeeds astronauts could do the same in two years years and NASA says that this really opens the door to a whole new world of space exploration. The long-term goal here is to set up a base on the moon where people can actually live. Yes, unlike crypto, we are actually going to the moon. And before you hate us start saying, oh, do we really need to go back to the moon?

Yes, we do. Buzldrin left his keys up there the dude's been locked out of his house for 53 years and you know I was thinking wouldn't it be funny if when we got back up there we find out that the original astronauts at a bunch of crazy shit that they didn't tell us about like cigarettes. It's like, wait, why are you still babies? Now, as much as I love space travel, and I really do, my one issue with NASA is, why do they keep using Greek names? This program is Artemis.

The old one was Apollo. Why doesn't NASA update things, you know? Name rockets off to today's mythical heroes. Everyone we're they they the moon. Boring! Everyone we're sending John Wick to the moon. Oh yeah! Shit's about it goes down! Pee-poo! Pee-poo! Now, if we had more time, we could talk about where the humans should be going, we might turn into the conquistadors of the solar system, right? Just be like, is there life on Mars? Uh, there was. But we don't have time to talk about life forms in space because there are some new

life forms coming to Congress. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi just said that she will not seek a leadership position in the midterm elections. With great confidence in our caucus, I will not seek re-election to Democratic leadership in the next Congress. Yes, that's right. It is a new era in Congress. Nancy Pelosi is stepping down and Republicans have officially won control of the house.

And this time they did it without shitting on the floor. That is growth. And you know Kevin McCarthy might be happy that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that thencecececececececece. that th. th. th. th. the-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c. the confidence confidence confidence confidence confidence confidence confidence confidence the house. And this time they did it without shitting on the floor. That's growth. That is growth. And you know, Kevin McCarthy might be happy right now, you know, that he could replace Nancy Pelosi next year speaker of the house. But remember, remember, half of his caucus believe in Jewish space lasers that stole the election using Venezuelan mine control, so good luck to him controlling them. Yeah he's gonna be trying to get more tax cuts for corporations meanwhile they'd be like boo we want a subpoena hunter Biden's penis bring it here put that penis under oath and you know Republicans are finally gonna learn that being in charge brings its own

sets of promises you know you've got to deliver you know you have to to deliver on your campaign promises. That's a challenge. And what's the number one issue that they campaigned on? F. to f's Bidon. And now that they won, voters will be expecting them to tell F. Joe Biden. They have to do it.

They have to go through the steps. They're going have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to to to to to to to to to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do it. to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do it. Ieheaueueueueueueueueueueueueueueue. I. I to do to do it to do it. to do it. to do it. to do it. to do it. to do it. to do it. to do it. to do it. to do it. to do it. to do it. to do it. to do it. to do it. to do it. to do it. to do it. the to do it. the to do it. toooooe. the tooeck. the tooomeck. the tooomeck. tooomeck. tooe. to do it. to do it. go through the steps. They said it, not me. Yeah, they're gonna have to pass a bill to ask him out. They're gonna have to agree, you know, on the restaurant to take him out to. And then when they take him home, they're gonna have to listen to his stories before he lets them smash. They're gonna see the people, they we could talk more about all the news coming out of America's politics. For instance we could talk about the Senate moving closer to protecting gay marriage finally. Or we could talk about Karen Bez becoming LA's first female mayor or we could talk about whether the

next speaker of the house will be able to beat Nancy Pelosi's high score on the stock market but we don't have the time for that. Because there's one man who, God forbid, might be joining these people in the Capitol, and boy, is he going to be bringing the greatest hits. I'm watching this movie called Fright Night, Freight Night, or some kind of night, but it was about vampires. But I'm going to tell you something that I found out. A were a wolf, I'm a wking thking tha tha tha tha wi wi wi wi wi wi wi wi wi wi wi wi wi wi wi wi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi,to be a vampire anymore, I want to be a werewolf. So I'm watching my TV, these kids watching death TV, they got jumping in front of him with this holy war, threw it on the vampire forehead, he covered his eye. He covered his eye. And he took his hand away.

And he's not working unless you got faith. He started laughing. He's got to have faith in the elected officials. And right now, that's the reason I'm here. Step aside, Gettysburg Address. America has the new, greatest speech of all time. Because you tell me the last time you heard a speech about vampires, were wolves, faith politics, and garlic. And and thi and thi and thi and thi and thi me the last time you heard a speech about vampires, werewolves, faith politics, and garlic, huh? And I don't know if Herschel Walker should be a U.S. senator, but he should definitely be elected as America's official movie reviewer.

Did you hear that? I want to watch that movie. I don't even know what it was. He should do this for every movie. Y'all the ocean and because of an octopus she lost her voice and we need a new voice in Washington and now that little mermaid is black. Before we go, I just want to remind you, please consider donating to forgotten harvest. They collect food surpluses from grocery stores, markets, restaurants and caters and they deliver it free of charge to emergency food providers in the metro Detroit area.

So if you can support them in their work, then please donate at the link below. Watch the Daily Show, Weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.