The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories - The FBI Nabs Capitol Rioters, Joe Biden's Inauguration & The NBA Bans Hugs

Episode Date: January 23, 2021

The FBI tracks down Capitol rioters through social media posts, Joe Biden becomes America's 46th president, and the NBA imposes no-hugging rules to curb the spread of COVID-19.Please visit dailyshow.com/FirstRespondersFirst to help provide medical and psychological treatment for first responders on the front lines of fighting COVID Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17th. No one wants a repeat of January 6th, when a mob of the world's angriest aunts and uncles

attacked the Capitol building. And we all watched the riots live on the news that day. But as time goes on, we're finding out that the situation was even crazier than we thought. New details the night showed just how close the violent bob got to the vice president and his family. As the mob chanted Hang Mike Pence and a makeshift gallows went up, the vice president, his wife and daughter, were just seconds away from being spotted, according to the Washington Post. At one point, they were hiding less than 100 feet from the violent crowd,

attacking police, journalists and others. And the chilling search for Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Where's going to fuck? Inside the Senate chamber, insurrection. There's got to be something here, you can't be fucking use against the s-fixie? Where are they? Where are they?

While we're here, we might as well set up a government. Hey, let's take a seat, people! Let's take a seat! Let's vote on some shit! You know, I used to blame lawmakers for not getting anything done. But now I'm starting to think that maybe it's the capital building that jams up Congress. Because did you see this mob? They came in with the goal to overthrow the government.

But then once they got they got they got they got they got they got they got they got they got they got they got they got they got they got they got they got they got they with the goal to overthrow the government. But then once they got in, they were like, yeah, let's throw this thing. You know what, maybe we should vote on something. I don't know. Let's... Actually, guys, let's adjourn for the day. We'll come back tomorrow and we couldn't get anything done. And if you didn't believe it before, thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu. T thu. T thu. thu. thu. thu. thr-theu. that that thrown thrown thr-tha. thr-tha. this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the thu. the the the the the. that the. the. the. thrown. thrown. throwne. throooooo. the. the. theee. throooooooooooooooooooo. the. the. the. the. Because they wanted to hang Mike Pence for finally accepting the election results. Mike Pence, people, no one has been more loyal to Trump than Mike Pence. While Trump was screwing America over the last four years, Mike Pence was gently guiding

his hips from behind. Now you're calling him a traitor? Mike Pence? And I know people don't like him, but I for one, am really glad that this mob didn't hurt Mike Pence? And I know people don't like him, but I for one am really glad that this mob didn't hurt Mike Pence, because I think we could all agree that no one should have to die a virgin. Now, since that day, the FBI has rounded up over 130 people so far for taking part in the assault on the Capitol. And if you're wondering, how on earth did they find all these people? Well, it turns out, it was all on the gram. The man posing beneath the sign above Nancy Pelosi's office

is a firefighter from Florida, Andy Williams. We're all trying to get into the Capitol to stop this. A corporate lawyer from Dallas, Paul Davis, posted this video and was quickly identified by his boss. Nicholas Rodin wore his work ID badge around his neck. This man posted a selfie, smoking a cigarette with the caption, Hello from the Capitol, L.O.L. The man who put his feet up on Nancy Pelosi's desk is 60-year-old Richard Barnett, known as Biggo.

I left her a note on her desk. It says, Nancy Biggo was here, you. And this fellow, Derek Evans, live streamed the moment he and other members of the mob broke into the Capitol. We're in. the Capitol. No, guys, guys, you can't be serious. Has it really gotten this bad that social media has poisoned us to the point where

we're going to live stream our treason? I love how some mega people were like, this is our 1776. Yeah, guys, you didn't see George Washington crossing the Delaware like, I do declare selfie! I will say though, this is an argument for defunding the police. Because you don't need billions of dollars for detectives when you can find criminals just by scrolling your Instagram discover page. So after four years, President Trump is spending his last days in power like many tinpot dictators, convincing his most rabid fans to keep fighting for a lost cause, while he hides in a bunker somewhere. But whether you hate Trump or whether you just mildly dislike him, you have to admit a few

things about this man. Number one, he has changed American politics forever. For starters, the red phone in the Oval Office will always call McDonald's instead of the Pentagon. That's not th number th one th one th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to to to to to to to to to to thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. thi, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to thi. to thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. So, the red phone in the Oval Office will always call McDonald's instead of the Pentagon. That's not going to change. Also, he's completely dropped the bar for presidential behavior. I mean, in 10 years, a president could pee in the middle of a press conference, and everyone will just be like, huh, I guess he just had to go. Also, you got to admit that Trump, from the time he ran for president, he's been consistent. You know, the victim, the victim, the victim, the victim. The victim, the victim. thiii. th. thi, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thr-in. th. th. th. th. th. to, to. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thr. thr. thr. the thr. thr. thr. the thr. thr-a. thr-s. thr-a. thr-s. the. th, he's being consistent. You know, the victimhood and the racial resentment that came down that escalator in 2015, well, those are the same that ended up at the Capitol on January 6th. And because Trump has been so consistently bad,

because he's been so consistent at being himself, he's exposed how bullshit so many other people are. For instance, Fox News, they spent all of 2020 screaming that blue lives matter. The way Fox News defended police during the George Floyd protest, you would have thought that opposing police brutality was the same thing as killing police. But then, when their people stormed the Capitol and police at the Capitol were beaten and actually killed, two officers were actually killed, all of a sudden, Fox News is saying this. and police at the Capitol were beaten and actually killed. Two officers were actually killed. All of a sudden, Fox News is saying this.

These are not conspiracy theorists motivated just by lies. That's a bunch of nonsense that people want to tell us. These are people that understand first principles. They love freedom and they love free markets. And they see exactly what the anti-American left to American. So many of them are just patriotic, well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the their, their, their, the the the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their their their their their their their their theirc, theirc, theirc, theirc, theirc, theirc. their their their, their, their, their, their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the thea. thea, well-loving Americans who are frustrated that their institutions of government, of media, have let them down. A lot of these people are not dispossessed.

They're not some creepy androgynous blogger who shows up to burn things down. They're like kind of solid Americans. Ah, I get it now. These people weren't creepy bloggers. They were solid law-abiding Americans. And nobody is allowed to kill cops, except for the people who respect cops, they can do whatever they want. Also, where the hell did they love free markets come from? Free markets?

I wasn't picking that up when people were smashing windows and breaking the capital down. Free markets? Free markets are not something that drives a riot. No one's ever slapped someone over over to to to to to to the the the their their the capital down, free markets? Free markets are not something that drives a riot. No one's ever slapped someone over a free market before, much less murdered a police officer. Look, man, the point is, you guys clearly don't care about cops. You only care about the idea of using cops to keep black people in their place.

So please miss me with that bullshit. Also, Lindsay Graham, whether you're a liberal or conservative, everyone should agree that this asshole, this cracker barrel mascot is a weasel, the worst weasel of any kind. Because after the Capitol was stormed, after the Capitol was stormed, and it looked like Trump was done, he gave a big speech about how he was done supporting Trump because Trump took it too far. the took things too far. But then the next week, he was suddenly suddenly suddenly suddenly suddenly suddenly suddenly suddenly suddenly suddenly suddenly suddenly suddenly suddenly suddenly suddenly suddenly flying flying flying flying flying tofied. tockhaph. tock. tock. toee. toe. tooe. tooe. tooe. tooe. tooe. tooe. tooe. th. th. th. thi. too. tooe. th. tooe. too. too. too. too. too. too. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. the the the the the the the the the the the next week, he was suddenly flying on Air Force One again because he realized Trump wasn't out. And then he started blaming the attack on the Democrats. Senator Lindsey Graham placing blame for the Capitol Hill riot on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

Watch this. What happened on January the 6th was one of the low points in my time in office. It was horrendous to see people come and take over the Capitol, the House and the Senate, beat officers, defile the seat of government. How in the hell could that happen? Where was Nancy Pelosi, it's her job to provide capital security? Yeah, Nancy, why weren't you in your office when people were coming to kidnap or kill you?

What were you hiding? You're self? We got you, Nancy. We got you. What did Lindsay Graham expect Nancy Pelosi to do? Huh? Set up booby traps in the Capitol like an old age home alone? Please, please miss me with this bullshit. And this also goes out to all those Republicans, who spent four years backing a president who called his opponents un-American and enemies of the people. But now, now that he's getting impeached and might be held accountable, oh, all of a sudden,

it's time to move on. Today is a moment for members of Congress to put aside partisan politicking and place people over power. We should be focused on bringing the nation together. We must be bigger and better than the most basive instincts that have been driving our political discourse. It is destroying us. Let's link arms with one another and begin to heal. It does not matter if you are liberal, moderate or conservative.

All of us must resist the temptation of further polarization. As history shows, unity is not an option. It's a necessity. Okay, I don't know what crazy-ass world you people grew up in, but how are you going to start a fight? And then tell everyone else to calm down. Can you imagine if a terrorist try to hijack a plane? And then after the marshal tackled him, he says, okay, okay, I think everyone needs to calm down. Let's just come together and watch the rest of Crudes.

All right? Let's just do this together. I'm gonna have the chicken, thank you. Shhh. The movie. All these people who try to overthrow the government, they can miss me with that bullshit. And it's not just Fox, it's not just Republicans, social media companies, for years. People have been warning you about the violence and conspiracy that you've been amplifying and allowing to spread on your platforms.

And for years, you've said you can't do anything about it. But now that the capital has been ransacked, now all of a sudden, it turns out you can. Now that the violence has happened, we're gonna do everything we can to stop the violence from happening. I mean, I don't know if I'm the only one, but I think it's really funny how social media companies said that they don't have a magic button to stop hate online, but then when Trump lost, suddenly they were like, oh, we do have that button. Here it is. So what? Now these companies want a cookie for doing the right thing too late? Miss me with that bullshit.

I will say, though, it was funny that random apps that had nothing to do with Trump also decided to pile on the Trump ban. Like when Spotify and Pinterest banned Donald Trump, what was that for? What did Spotify think that Trump was put up border wall images on his page? Although, it would be funny if Spotify was actually the thing that broke Donald Trump's heart, like if he was just sitting there like, I don't care that they block my Twitter

or my Instagram or Facebook. I've still got my Spotify. Look, man, here's the thing. By this time tomorrow, Donald, Donald, Donald, Donald, Donald, Donald, Donald, Donald, Donald, thoomorrow, thoomorrow, thoomorrow, tho' thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th-a, th-a, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, th. th. th. th. thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th th thi. th th th th thi. thi. thi. th thi. thi. thi. thi. thithing. By this time tomorrow, Donald Trump will be out of power. And I just hope, I hope that he slowly fades away like one of his tans. And I know that he'll never fully be gone, all right? He's basically the COVID-of politics. America's going to be experiencing side effects long after he's out of the system. And unfortunately, we're probably going to see mutated strains as well. But I do hope that with him at least not being president,

we can all get back to being a bit more honest with each other and more nuanced in how we talk about what divides us. That's my wish for the next year, because I don't know what 2021 is going to bring. But if it involves any bullshit, I kindly request that I be missed. Today, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and McDonald's share price in Florida just went way up, because America just got a brand new dad.

Please raise your right hand and repeat after me. I, Joseph, Robinette, Biden, Jr. do solemnly swear. I, Joseph, Robin, Jr. do solemnly swear. That I will faithfully execute. That I will faithfully execute. The office of President of the United States. Office of President of the United States. And will, to the best of my ability.

Preserve, protect, and defend. Preserve, protect, and defend. Preserve, protect, and defend. The Constitution of the United States. The Constitution of the United States. So help you God? So help me God. Congratulations, Mr. President. Thank you. I don't know about you, but this moment will stay in my memory forever. Joe Biden's middle name is Robinette? What? But that's right. As of noon Eastern time today, America welcomed the fresh young face of Joseph R. Biden as its 46th president.

And despite the pandemic, this inauguration had it all. Former presidents, the youngest inaugural poet, an amazing singer wearing her own Etsy store, an old man on his way to the post office, and even a lady whose outfit just called me a broke bitch. Biden was so committed to unity that he even invited enemies of the state. No, I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking. Ted Cruz didn't try and overthrow the government. He just supported the people who did.

Even Mike Pence attended the inauguration to honor the democratic transition of power. Kudos to Mike Pence. You can see him there with his mask featuring the vice presidential seal. And as tradition dictates, once Kamala was sworn in, he gave that very same mask for her to put on. But before the new president could walk in, the old one had to be kicked out. There you see Marine One on the lawn of the White House. President Trump is still there,

but is expected to depart any minute for Andrews Air Force Base and give a final speech before heading tomorrow Lago. I can tell you that from the bottom of my heart. This has been an incredible four years. We rebuilt the United States military. We created a new force called Space Force. And now the stock market is actually substantially higher than it was at its higher point prior to the pandemic. So it's really, you could say, we built it twice.

I hope they don't raise your taxes. But if they do, I told you so. So just a goodbye. We love you. We will be back in some form. Have a good life. We will see you soon. Have a good life? That's not what a departing president is supposed to say? That's what you tell your best friend in high school when she starts dating your ex.

I hope you two are very happy together. Have a good life if he dumps you before prom. I told you so. Although, I do like how he said he'll be back in some form. Because my man knows you've got to leave on a cliffhanger. I'll be back in some form. Maybe I'll come back as a politician. Maybe as a mutant fish monster. Or maybe I'll come back as one of those old guys with a ponytail.

Stay tuned. But Trump's last day in office wasn't all just whining and stealing silverware. No, my friends. He also made sure to hand out some very nice parting gifts to all his friends. President Trump announces more than 140 pardons and commutations. The list ranges from the President's political allies to nonviolent drug offenders. Steve Bannon pleaded not guilty to defrauding donors in a fundraising campaign for

President Trump's border wall. But before the trial could even get underway, the president gave him a preemptive pardon. Three, former Republican congressman and commuted the sentence of Detroit's former Democratic mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who was serving time on corruption charges. The president also pardoned rappers Little Wayne and Kodak Black on their separate federal weapons-related offenses. That's right, people. Donald Trump pardoned a ton of shady people in the last hours of his presidency, which

means those fraudsters can get back to defrauding and Steve Vannon can get back to selling mucinex. The weird part, though, was how he kept trying to give prison time to Eric. I'm sorry, Eric, the rule in prison is one in, one out. It's just like the nightclubs. I'm going to miss you, Eric jokes. Have a good life. Now, what was really crazy is that Trump pardoned Kodak Black and Lil Wayne, which sounds like a good thing.

I mean, it's cool to pardon anyone, I guess, but it's that's that's that's a that's a that like a good thing. I mean it's cool to pardon anyone I guess but it's a terrible thing to do to a rapper because you're taking away their street creed. Now what are they gonna rap about? Yeah young Wizzy baby I can get an office job now I can also get a mortgage at a good rate legally buy a gun in all states now you see me on the street on my way to jury duty where they're booty they're the they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their their their their their their their thoed tho thoes thoes thoes thozy. I I th I th I th I thozy. I thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' th. I I I th. I I I I th. I I I I I I th. I I I thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' the th' the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the' the' that is goody, where they do it, that they're booty. Honestly, if you ask me, I think it's incredible that Trump didn't pardon himself. Because it means that even President Trump looked at Donald Trump's record and decided, man, I can't let this guy off that easy. Then again, some people people actually speculating that Trump secretly wrote th pardon that he can use later. And honestly, I hope that he did. Because he's Donald Trump.

So you know he's just going to end up wasting that pardon on some bullshit. Mr. Trump, your car is illegally parked in a handicap spot, you're getting a ticket. Well now's the perfect time to use my one and only pardon. I'll see you when I come back from my game of golf. Now, Trump is not the first president to issue shady pardons on his way out the door. I mean, Bill Clinton famously pardoned his brother and a really dodgy businessman whose ex-wife donated to Clinton's library. And yes, don't get me wrong. Trump took it to a whole new level, but he's not unique. If anything, I think he should have gone further.

I'm not going to lie. I'm really pissed off that. Of all the people Trump chose to pardon, he didn't pardon Joe Exotic, because I don't know about you, but I want. No, I need a second season of on show. Every day, Bridgeton. Now I'm falling in love with that Duke. Now I'm sitting there wondering what our babies would look like if we were a couple, probably like us. And it wasn't just last minute pardons. Last night, at literally one o'clock in the morning, Donald Trump also did this. Breaking overnight President Donald Trump signing an executive order,

releasing current and former members of his administration from the terms of their ethics pledge. That pledge, one of Trump's first executive orders back in 2017 when he pledged to drain the swamp. It required Trump's political appointees to agree to the lobbying ban as well as pledge not to undertake work that would require them to register as a foreign agent after leaving government. So after all that time, talking about how he's going to drain the swamp, the one rule he actually made to reduce corruption, he got rid of right before he left office. But let's be real though, people, electing Trump to reduce corruption is like hiring

Hilaria Baldwin to handle your PR crisis. The results are going to be no bueno. But on the other hand, I do get why he's doing this. Trump's staffers have to become lobbyists. I mean, where else are they going to go with their resumes? So why do you think you'd be a good employee for Pets Plus? Well, you guys keep pets in cages and we used to keep kids in cages. Uh, okay, we'll be in touch. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it.

This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling? But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. S, ths, thiiiiiiiiii-S. S, thi-S. thi-S. thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, thi-a, th. th-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-up-up. thoom, thoom, thoom, thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. We. th. We. th. We's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. to-s. to-s. the. to-s. to-s. thee. thea. to-s. thea. thea. the. what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look,

starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. Because I know America has begun a new era, but Corona doesn't care about who's president. In fact, it's been exactly one year since we first learned that COVID-19 had reached the United States, and things have only gotten worse. Yesterday, the country set a new record for coronavirus deaths. And the CDC now predicts that half a million deaths will happen by mid-February, which is going to make for a weird Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is already pretty weird. I'm supposed to buy an adult woman a teddy bear? That's creepy as hell.

The point is, it's more important than ever to step up on COVID safety, which is exactly what the NBA is doing. Well, after witnessing some opposing players disregarding new league rules against unnecessary contact on game nights, the NBA is now moving team security to mid-court following games to stop the hugging and handshakes that may cause an unwanted spread of COVID-19. High-fives, hugs, and handshakes, along with extended post-game conversations are no longer allowed. Man, this is so harsh guys. Coved won't even let you shake hands with opponents now. That's a hard habit to break because we've been doing that since we were five years old.

You know, you play a game, and then you line up and you high-fired the other team saying, good game. Next, they're going to say that what you're going to do to stop COVID. And who knows? This could even create some excitement after the game. And here it is, Hardin, going up for a high five. And this is it, oh no, he's rejected. He's rejected by a security guard named Stanley.

At the same time, though, will this really make a difference? I mean, I'm all for COVID safety, but these guys have been sweating and breathing on each other for two hours already, and then they can't shake hands? It's like handing out condoms as people are leaving your orgy. Remember to be safe, remember to be safe. That was fun, guys. Remember to be safe. Remember to be safe. That was dumb. I mean, I'm not gonna lie, this just shows how COVID has turned the whole world upside down. You know, players are now getting into trouble for being nice to each other.

Like, yeah, you better hold me back. I'm about to hug this fucking man. Yeah, I respect you, asshole. I will hug you right now. Anyway, between the pandemic and all the insanity around the presidential election, there have been all sorts of stories that stories stories stories stories thories thops thops thops thories thops th presidential election, there have been all sorts of stories that we just haven't had time to talk about. But they've kind of gotten stuck in my brain and I thought, well, maybe I could unstick them by sharing them with you.

For instance, here's some big news you might have missed out of Russia, aka mean, mean, Canada. Vladimir Putin's fiercest critic, Alexi Navalny, who was nearly poisoned to death, returning to Russia and immediately detained. A dangerous gamble for one of Vladimir Putin's most vocal critics, and he was arrested minutes after arriving in Moscow, kissing his wife goodbye. Alexi Navalny has now been detained for at least 30 days, prompting outrage around the world. Navalny nearly died last year after being poisoned with the extremely toxic chemical weapon

Novichok. He fell ill on an airplane, blaming the Kremlin for the attack, something they deny. Okay, I don't know what's crazier here. That this dude went back to the same country that try to kill him or that they arrested him when he got there. Apparently in Russia it's a felony to not die when they poison you? Why did you do that? You make Putin look like he don't know poison, huh?

Why you do that to Putin? Look, either Navalny is the bravest dude alive, or he's just rarely grown to love the taste of poison. I mean, I don't know, maybe it's the most delicious thing in the world. We don't know. Actually, I want to try poison now. But either way, this guy has bigger balls than me. I'm not gonna lie, because I would not be going back to Russia right now. Forget the poisoning. It's the middle of winter.

All Putin has to do is delay your Uber right for five. in tech news. Here's a story I really can't stop thinking about involving Bitcoin, the money that lives in space. Over the last few months, the value of the virtual currency has skyrocketed to insane heights, which is great for people who own it. But it'll never catch up to the market value of my Pokemon cards. That's right, people. I've been saving up these bad boys. Mom! Mom, what do you do to my Pokemon? Mom! Anyway, one of the big drawers of Bitcoin is how secure it is. Unfortunately for one investor, it's turning out to be a little too secure.

A virtual nightmare for a man with a quarter billion dollars in Bitcoin. Yes, billion. He's forgotten his password. Stephen Thomas says he's been locked out of his account since 2012. Back then it wasn't as much of a fortune because each of his 7,000 coins was worth about 10 bucks in cash. Now the going rate, you know how much it is? It's 37 grand. The man has the password stored on an old hard drive, but he lost the password to that too. And is only two th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thom thom thom thom thom thom thom thom thom thom thom thom thom thoma thoma thom thom thom- thom- thom- thom- thom- thom- thom- thom- thom thom thom thom thom thom thom thom thom th th th th th th th th th th. He th th. He th. He th th. He th th. He th th. He thom thom thom thom thom thom-he thom-in thomorrow to to toe toe thomorrow toe toe toeauuu. S thome thomau-heau-heau. S thome thome thome thome toe to this? It's 37 grand. The man has the password stored on an old hard drive, but he lost the password to that too, and it's only two more tries before he gets locked out. Wow. What a feel-good story, in that I feel good that it's not me. This guy can't access

a quarter billion dollars because he can't remember his password. You know let me tell you something for a quarter of a billion dollars I'm hiring people to beat the shit out of me until I do remember. Don't go easy at me. Come on guys I know something. Seven to five lower case E G dash dash. I remember. And finally from Colombia an exciting setup for a brand new season of narcos. A notorious drug lord's exotic pets are now posing an environmental disaster. Pablo Escobar's four hippos escaped after he was killed and are now taking over the marshlands in Colombia.

Experts say they are breeding so fast there, there could be more than 1,500 in the next couple of years, posing a danger to the people and wildlife. They are now saying the so-called cocaine hippos should be shot. Oh my gosh. Yeah, you go shoot the cocaine hippos who were raised by Pablo Escobar. I'm just going to stay out of the water. And I know some people are going to be like, do you have to shoot those hippos? Why not just round them up and put them in a zoo?

No. We're not going to be taking Pablo Escobar's hippos and putting them in a zoo. Because you know, three weeks later, they're going to tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thr-a, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, tho, tho, their, their, tho, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, their, their, their, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho. thooooooooooooooooooo. thooooooooooo. thoooooo. tho. tho. tho, th're going to escape through a tunnel that they built out from under their cage. There's going to be a note left behind from the hippos saying, no zoo keeper alive can hold me. Yeah, you see, some people would think that the Colombian hippos are going to sound Colombian, but hippos are from Africa, so I like to keep the jokes authentic. I got to say, though, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their. their. thr-s. thr-s. thr-s. thr-s. thr-s. to. tooooooooooooooooooo. too. tooo. too. too, tho. tho. tho. tho. to reason to be exterminated. When was the last time you had so much sex that the government had to step in? The good news is, there is an easier solution to this problem. Just release some meth gators to deal with the cocaine hippos.

Then to deal with the meth gators, you release the molly cobras. Then to take out the molle, you release the straight-edge tigers tigers tigers tigers tigers tigers tigers tigers tigers tigers tigers tigers tigers tigers tigers tigers tigers tigers tigers toguu togu They don't do cocaine because the real thrill is being in control. Here's a question I have, though. I've always wondered this, what's the deal with drug dealers and animals? It's like the higher you go up the ladder, the crazier your pet has to be. The dealer on the corner has a fish tank, the drug lord has hippos. I bet that family that invented oxyxxxxxex just chained up in the backyard. Ah! Ma!

You guys are killers! You should have gotten more than just a fine! Before we go, as you know, the coronavirus pandemic is as bad as it has ever been. But luckily, our first responders are still out on the front lines, saving lives. Now, if you want to help them out, then please consider a donation to First Responders First, which offers first-class medical and psychological treatment for first responders. If you want to find out more, then all you've got to do is go to the link below. The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, Ears Edition. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy

Central and the Daily Show.com. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. Really? But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible.

I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts.