The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories | The FBI Raids Trumps Mar-a-Lago Home

Episode Date: August 13, 2022

The FBI raids Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home, Trump pleads the fifth and fears a rat in his inner circle, and conservatives turn on law enforcement. Here’s what happened this week.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Former President Donald Jailbird Trump. Got a visit from the FBI. Tonight, former president Donald Jailbird Trump. Got a visit from the FBI. Tonight, breaking news, former President Donald Trump, saying the FBI has raided his Marlago resort. Mr. Trump saying a short time ago that the FBI has carried out an unannounced raid at his home at the Florida club and that they even broke into his safe.

Boxes and boxes of documents have been seized from former President Donald Trump's Marlago home after the FBI conducted a wide-ranging search. This may be the most politically explosive raid ever undertaken by the FBI. Something that has not happened before in American history, so just take that in for just a second. It doesn't get any more significant than this. Not just aggressive. This is unprecedented. Unbelievable. I mean stunning. Oh my God. The FBI raided Donald Trump's house in Marilago.

The FBI people raided a former president's house. This is huge! This is bigger than when the feds investigated Bill Clinton for doing mouth stuff with that saxophone. And by the way, by the way, this raid, just so you know, has nothing to do with January 6th, or tax fraud, or giving the way, by the way, this raid, just so you know, has nothing to do with January 6th or tax fraud or giving the White House plumber PTSD. No, apparently, apparently this investigation is about Trump taking classified documents from the White House.

And honestly, you know, I'm amazed that Trump has time for all of this crime. Like at any moment, Trump's got a crime that he's covering up, he's got a crime that he's doing now, he's got a crime that he's plotting for the future. He's like the Steve Harvey, but of crimes, you know? Every day, I'm like, does he have the same hours in the day as me? He gets so much done. Now, if you'll remember, if, if, if, if, if you, if you, if already had to go down to Marilago and take back 15 boxes of documents that Trump wasn't supposed to have, but apparently they think there's

more hidden on the property. And I believe that, I believe that, too. I mean, like, Trump's not going to keep records in a filing cabinet like a normal person. It's the same dude who buried his his ex-wife on a golf course. I mean, think about that. And yes, it is totally unprecedented for the FBI to raid the home of a former precedent. That is true. That has never happened in American history.

But don't forget, Donald Trump has also never happened in American history. Everything is an anomaly with this man. I mean, like, why do you think a book from one of his staffers comes out every single week? Because every single person he interacts with is like, yo, have I got a f-edgibor story for you? And wouldn't it be weird if this is the thing that takes Trump down? We thought it would be something like conspiracy or bribery or blackmail, but no, Trump's got busted for taking work home with him.

What a nerd. Now, obviously, President Trump recognizes the gravity of this situation, which is why he has refrained from comments while the legal process is playing, now I'm joking with you, come on. The guy released a statement immediately, immediately, he read, these are dark times for our nation. As my beautiful home, Maralago, in Palm Beach, Florida, is currently under siege, rated and occupied by a large group of FBI agents,

they even broke into my safe. What's the difference between this and Watergate? What's the difference? I love that even while he's complaining, he slips in that the thing is beautiful. How could they do this to my beautiful home? Also, also, this is completely... Also, this is completely different from Watergate, all right? For one thing, the guy's breaking into Watergate didn't need to clean old ketchup stains off

the documents, but the other big thing, the other big difference is that the raid was legal, all right, was approved by a federal judge, approved by the head of the FBI, who by the way, was appointed by Donald Trump himself, after he got rid of like 17 other heads of the FBI, because they didn't want to do crimes of Donald Trump. So now, the big mystery is, what did the FBI find? Well, according to Donald Trump's third favorite son, the only thing the FBI took was his heart. What could they possibly think existed inside a moral lago in a box that was taken from the White House that was so damaging that the FBI director and the Attorney General

of the United States would have to raid a form of President's residence and grab everything out of there. I don't know, they'll probably find a note for me telling him how proud I am of him and what great job he was doing his president. They might find some pictures of my kids, maybe some nice, you know, headlines. Maybe a nice note from you, Sean. Oh, Eric. You silly, silly man. Did Daddy tell you, that's where your letters to him go? Hidden away somewhere safe?

They're just too important to show anybody or acknowledge it anyway, Eric. That's why I locked them up right next to my wedding ring. That's what I do. Now, aside from the boxes that they took, the FBI also looked inside Trump's safe, which is very dramatic. Like, because apparently they had they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they had they had they had they had they had they had they had they had they had they had to break to break they had to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere somewhere to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to they they they they they they they they they had they had they had they had they had to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to, the FBI also looked inside Trump's safe, which is very dramatic. Like, because apparently they had to break into it, right? So now you're like, how do they do it? Did they blow it open? Or did they just correctly guess the code was 69-69?

Honestly, I'd be surprised. I would actually be surprised if they found White House documents in Trump's safe. Because a safe is where you keep your most prized possessions. Yeah. So in my head, searching through Trump's safe would probably go a lot more like this. All right, guys. Let's see what we have in here. All right, my God. The entire safe is just filled with MacRibb after MacRib. This is... this is... they're stacked on top of each other. This is... I don't even understand. It's an unventilated safe.

Who would do this? Wait, wait, hold on. There's a secret panel in the bottom. I think we found it. Nope, another Mac rib, thrown. Another MacRab. Now, you might be wondering, isn't this an extremely explosive situation for the United States? Yes, it is. It is.

You don't want to let a former president get away with crimes, right? Because nobody in America is above the law, except corporations and rich people and celebrities sometimes. But aside from them, nobody is above the law. But at the same time, even the perception that the Justice Department is being used to go after your political opponents, that could erode people's trust in governments.

So it's a really tricky situation. And the only thing we can do is wait and see how the investigation unfolds. Or if you're Fox News, you can just freak out right now. This is an abomination. This is Gestapo crap. It's probably the worst day in the history of the FBI. This is a wake-up call for those in Congress

to be able to use the tools at their disposal to defund the FBI. Representative Marjorie Taylor Green, simply twee defund the FBI into a thousand bits. Representative Marjorie Taylor Green, simply tweeting, defund the FBI. If this is what they're able to do to the former president of the United States, think about what they could do to you, to anybody in America.

The real target of this investigation, isn't Trump. The real target of this investigation is you. Do we have a dual justice system in America? Is there equal justice under the law? I am deathly afraid for Donald Trump. I would not put assassination behind these people. We're entering a bin, basically a Venezuelan, Simbabwean, East German-style, Banana Republican which the law doesn't matter. This is some third world bullshit right here. Let me say it again, third world bullshit. All right, first of all, thu-o'l-, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm tra, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm tra, I'm tru, I tru, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I tr Trump, I, I, I, I tr Trump, I, I, I, I, I. I, I, I, I, I. I, I, I, I trtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtru. I, I tru. I tru-in, I tru-in, I tru-in, I'm tru-in, I'm tru-a, I'm tru-a, I'm tru-a, tru-a, tru-s. tru-a, I'm tru-s. I'm tru-a, I'm tru-I tru- right here. Let me say it again, third world bullshit. All right, first of all, as someone from the third world,

maybe leave us out of your shit for once, huh? How about that? How about that? This is some third world bullshit right here. Every time Americans want to call something in America that's corrupt. All of a sudden they're like, oh, this is this this this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is a this is a this is a this is a this is a this is a this is a third this is a third this is a third this is a third. This is a third. This is a third th. This is a third thi. thi. This is a third thi. thioliolioli. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. time Americans want to call something in America that is that's corrupt, all of a sudden they're like, oh, this is third world bullshit. My man, at what point do you realize that it's happening here? It's you.

It's you. It's you. Bad things only happen in other countries, when it's here, it's still happening in another country. In fact, when something happens in the actual third world. Yeah, these days America's gotten so bad. People in Africa are like, are you kidding me? This is just like America. Ah, no. This place is tending into America. What are we doing here? What are we doing?

What are we doing? But I do get what's super Karen is saying. If the FBI is going then what's to stop them from going off to you? When you still classify documents from the White House? Is that the country we want to live in, where anyone can be investigated just for the crime of doing crimes? I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so.

And you know, all of this just shows you. You just get a moment to savor is how amazing, how quickly MagaWorld turns on law enforcement. And America as a whole, whenever it suits them, whenever things go against them. Huh? All of a sudden, Marjorie Taylor Green, posting a photo of an upside-down American flag after this rate happened. Yeah, well, I thought respecting the flag

was the most important thing in the world. Colin Kappenig is probably kneeling in his grave right now. All of these people complaining, what happened to, if you don't like what's happening in America, why don't you just leave? What happened to that, huh? And all of a sudden, all of a the police is like the n-word for law enforcement. Yes, but let the FBI take two boxes from Marlauga and all of a sudden these same people are like, take that thin blue line and shove it up your ass. Defund the FBI! Defund the cops!

Same people. Same people. Where's more enforcement now? You know we need to start a, like a game show called, who's woke now. That's what we should call it. the, the, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, the, and, and, the same, the same, and, and, the same, and, and, the same, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, thi, thi, thi. say, the same, the same people, the same people, the same people, the same people, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same for conservatives? We need to start a game show called Who's Woke Now. That's what we should call it. Yeah. It's like bringing our first contestant is Sean Hannity who says now there are two justice systems in America. It's not fair. Oh, who's woke now, Sean? You just won yourself an Afro pick.

Congratulations, brother. Look, we don't know what this raid will reveal. We don't even know if Donald Trump has actually done anything wrong. But what it has exposed is that this whole mega crowd, they're only pro-law enforcement, they're only pro-law enforcement when the law's not enforcing them. First up, Domino's pizza has announced that it is closing the last of its restaurants in Italy. And yes, yes, they had Domino's in Italy. Italy has drunk people too.

You know, if you ask me, them going out of business in Italy was actually the best thing that could have happened to them. Because think about, they came to the land of pizza and then they injected cheese into the crust? Well they're lucky they didn't get the death penalty, you know? Those Italians are like, mama, what have you done into the pizza? How can you do this? Meanwhile, in international news, Cuban firefighters have successfully extinguished the largest fire in Cuba's history, which burned for five days after lightning struck an oil depot that generates power for basically the entire country.

Yeah, and honestly, I was just surprised to learn that America knows how to make lightning now. Oh, and in tech news, in tech news, WhatsApp, the world's largest messaging app, has announced that it is launching a new privacy feature that will allow users to leave group chats without everyone in the group knowing. Yeah, which is a much better system than the one before. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because before this, you have to text everyone in the group that you were going out for a pack of cigarettes and they just never come back.

And I know, I know for most Americans, WhatsApp is like Celsius. You sort of know what it is, but you don't use it. But for the rest of the world, this is huge news. You got to understand. Almost everyone in the world uses WhatsApp. The problem is anyone can add anyone else to a group chat. Yeah, you don't have to have consent from them. You may not even know these people. This morning, I spent an hour arguing with Adiwele and 42 other Africans about whether coal stoves are better than woodburning stoves.

But here's the thing. I don't own a cold stove. I don't own a wood burning stove. And worst of all, I don't even know. I the the the the the the the the the the th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I to to tho. I th. I th. I th. I spent th. I spent th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A thi. A thi. A thi. A thi. A thi. A. A. a t to. a to. a to. a to. a to. a to. a to. a to. a th't leave the group chat, because every time I try, WhatsApp notifies them, and then Adiwella, we added you back in their chat. We saw you left, huh? Something must have happened.

So as I was saying, if the wood burns their goosey soup, no! No! I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I, I'm just, I, I, I'm just, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, their, their, their, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the....... the. the. the. the. the. t. t. t. t. t. to. tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt..... t....... move on to the story that is still rocking these here United States, and it's about Donald Jamaican me crazy Trump. America's wildest former president is being hit with multiple criminal investigations for no reason except for all the crimes he probably committed. So, to try and keep up with all the latest persecutions, it's time for a brand new segment

we call America's Most Tremendously Wanted. All right, let's start in New York State, which is currently investigating Trump's businesses for tax fraud. Yeah, because apparently, when he was trying to get loans from the bank, he was all like, I'm boiling out of control. But then when he was reporting his taxes to the IRS, suddenly he was like, hey, I ain't got no money, sir? And as part of this investigation, the New York Attorney General has already questioned Trump's beloved children and also Eric. But today, today it was the Donald's turn to go under oath.

And I'll give credit to the man. He could have bitched out. But no, he stood tall and he walked into that interrogation room and then bitched out. Former President Donald Trump says he has invoked his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination, refusing to answer any questions in his deposition before New York Attorney General, Letitia James. In a statement, Trump says he had no choice because he and his family are the targets of what he called an unfounded, politically motivated witch hunt. Trump was set to testify under oath about his business practices, but faced with those questions he's decided not to talk.

Well, what... Trump decided not to talk? You know, I mean now we know something shady's going on, right? No, because when has Donald Trump ever refused to talk? We can't get the man to stop talking. Donald Trump not talking is like Tennis Swift taking the bus. That's not th. That's th. That's th. That's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, the the the the the, th. the, the, the, th. th. the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the, the, the, th. the, th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to, thi. to, thi. to. to. toge. to. to. to. to. the the the the the the thi. the thi. the thi. to refused to talk. We can't get the man to stop talking. Donald Trump not talking is like Taylor Swift taking the bus. That's not a thing. I didn't even know this guy was capable of not talking. He must have been shocked. Yeah when he found out that not speaking was something that was allowed doesn't mean like, you mean this thing doesn't have to be moving. Twenty-four seven. That's amazing.

I could just close my mouth and keep it close. And everything would be fine. So fine. Such a beautiful idea. Total silence. More silence than anyone in the history of silence. And here I go, folks. Silence.

You're not hearing a thing. Wonderful silence. It's so quiet. You can't hear anything. Nobody's ever been this quiet. So quiet now. Wow. A lot of people, a lot of people believe that when you plead the fifth it means that you're guilty. But no, look, I don't believe that. I know people do, but I don't believe that. You might just not want to incriminate yourself. But I get it. There are some people

who truly believe that if you plead the fifth, you are guilty. And one of those people is Donald J. Trump. Taking the fifth. I think it's disgraceful. Fifth amendment, fifth amendment. Fifth amendment. Horrible. Horrible.

The mob takes the fifth. If you're innocent, why are you taking the fifth amendment? Yes, Donald, if you're innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment? Why are you taking the Fifth Amendment? It's really amazing how, of all of Trump's enemies, his worst enemy is just him from the past. Yeah, that guy's relentless. Present-day Trump is probably like, why won't this guy just shut up? It's so easy. Just watch, quiet. Totally silent, not a sound. So, when anyone else please the fifth,

Trump says it proves that they were criminal. But now, now that Trump is in the hot seat, suddenly he sees it in a different way. And maybe it's because his lawyer has explained it to him in a way that he would understand. They're like, see, sir, it's like signing an NDA but with yourself, you know? Oh, so I'm the porn star? But it turns out, New York's investigation might be the least of Trump's waries. Because you remember this, two days ago, right? The FBI raided Trump's house to look for classified documents that he illegally took from the White House. And remember, remember this.

We do not know what those documents are. They could be anything. They could be nuclear codes. They could be battle plans or Ivanka's job description. Yeah, that was so top secret. Even she didn't know what it was. Or even worse, he could have taken the instructions to the White House TV. Now Joe Biden has no idea how to change the channel. Come on, man.

I just want to watch Happy Days. Come on, man. Change the channel. Please. I know, I know some of you are wondering right now. So, I know some of you are thinking, Trevor, is a former president keeping documents that they have already had in their position, is that serious of a crime?

You know? I mean, Trump didn't look at the documents when he was president, so you think he's looking at them now? And look, I kind of agree with you. I'll be honest, I didn't think it was that serious of a matter. But, I thuuuuuuuu. I thuu. I thu. I thu, I thu, I thu, I thu, I thi I thi thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I'll thi, I thi's thi, I'll thi, I'm thi's that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that thi, I'm thi, I'm thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. theeanananan't theananan't theanan't theanananan't theanananananan't theananananananann't that that that that a matter. But my opinion doesn't count. The reason this is the way it is, is because there was once an American president who believed that this crime was so serious. He increased the penalty from one year to five years in prison. And who was that president?

Donald, just look at him now, Trump. Trump's removal of documents might violate a 2018 act that he himself signed into law, increasing the penalty for improper handling of documents to five years in prison. Trump signed the law after he spent years accusing Hillary Clinton of illegally storing classified documents on a private email server. Looks like he did it again. Oh, I love this. How can you not? After spending years saying, lock her up, Donald Trump signed the law that might get him locked up instead.

This guy's basically a real-life wily coyote. Yeah, he leaves traps for all his enemies, but somehow he's the one who keeps on getting smushed on the road. It's just him every single time. So thanks to Trump, this crime is a big deal. Which is why the Red Hat Brigade has come out in full force to defend him, and they're throwing everything at the wall, everything. The Biden administration is just out to get Trump. Oh the judge who approved the raid is anti-Trump. They're mishandling the classified documents isn't a big deal unless you're Hillary Clinton. But today, today's really interesting. They seem to be coalescing around a new talking point and it's that the FBI wasn't at Marlago to to to take the evidence the the the the their l lagolalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tod. today. today. true. true. true. true. true. true. But to be to be their their to be their to be to be to be to be to be to be to be tr. to be tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. the tr. tr. the the the the their tr. They's true. They's true. They's true. They're true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true FBI wasn't at Marilago to take evidence. They were there to plant evidence.

Donald Trump writing on truth social today quote, everyone was asked to leave the premises. They wanted to be left alone without any witnesses to see what they were doing, taking or hopefully not planting. Quite honestly, I'm concerned that they may have planted something. You know, at this point, who knows? We know they doctor evidence. We know they plant evidence. Do I know that the boxes of material they took from Aralago, that they won't put things in those boxes to entrap him?

How do we know? His lawyer said they brought in backpacks? What was in to fill them up or did they have something in there? Yeah, what was in those backbacks? Trump world, everyone's doing this. They're trying to get ahead of everything, right? They're trying to get ahead of everyone hearing what the FBI found in this house by basically suggesting that whatever it is, they put it there themselves. Yeah. The FBI is going to say they found all these secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret secret the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the going to say they found all these secret documents, and a bunch of pictures of Brad Pitt with my face glued on it

so it looks like my face is kissing Brad Pitt's face, but that's all blanted, folks, it's not real. This is a classic move. We've seen this before, right? Yeah, at some point, every kid has tried to pull this move with their parents when they're about to get busted. Before their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thiats. thiats. thi. thiats. thiats. thiats. thiats. thiats. thiats. thiats. thiats. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. thi. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. t. t. t. ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt my room for weed, you should just know that there have been like a lot of burglars breaking into people's houses and putting half-smoked joints inside old sneakers.

So if you find something, that's probably them. What is amazing to me is how totally united every single conservative has been in defending Trump when we still have no idea what the FBI found at Marilago. No one, no conservative being like, well wait, let's wait and see. Actually I think Senator Scott said that. The rest of them, they're just like, ah, no. I do know this, I haven't seen one person on Fox who's even open to the idea that Trump may have done something wrong. It feels like it's someone at Fox even suggested that Trump might be wrong. A trap door would open.

Yeah, and they just fall into a pit of pronouns. Ah! Ah! They, them? He, me? Ah! I don't get it. I don't get it.

So. So, in 48 hours, conservatives have decided the FBI is corrupt. Trump is being framed and the only crime he could be guilty of is looking so damn good in that suit. As for the rest of us, we're just going to have to wait and see how the story unfolds. First up, some international news. New Zealand may be getting a new name. Yes. Yeah, Maori politicians have launched a campaign to restore one of the country's original names,

Al-Taroa, right? Yeah, and... I think we can all be honest, they didn't put a lot of thought into naming it New Zealand in the first place. Yeah, colonizers were so late. This is New Zealand, there's New England, New York. Zero effort. It's like Pete Davidson calling his next girlfriend, New Kim, terrible. It's not going to work.

Meanwhile, in health news, officials in New York say that hundreds of people in the state may be infected with polio because so many people are unvaccinated. Yeah, so I guess New York is back, back in the 1950s. And you know, I'll be honest with you, I don't care anymore. Yeah, I don't. Polio, you want to come for me? Come. Yeah, you're going to have to fight for space in my body with COVID and Monkey Park. It's just going on. Just go at it. Just go at it hard.

Oh, and in politics, in politics, according to a new book about the Trump White House, President Trump complained that his national security team wasn't loyal enough to him saying, quote, why can't you be like the German generals in World War II?? to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the World War to to to to to to to the world to, the world to, the world to, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, the world world world world world world world world world world world world world world world world world world world world world world world world world world world world war wasn't loyal enough to him saying, quote, why can't you be like the German generals in World War II? Yeah, that's right. Fox News was out there every day, like, these liberals are so over the top, always comparing Trump to Hitler. Meanwhile, Trump was going, why won't people treat me more like Hitler? Why not? Why not?

And it actually got even more alarming than that. Later in the same meeting, he told his generals to find the arc of the government before Indiana Jones got his hands on it. No, I'm joking, but that's not even the real story. So this is the crazy part. After Trump went off about how his generals should be as loyal as Hitler's were, General Kelly's response to him was, you do know that they tried to kill Hitler three times and almost pulled it off. And I don't know why, but I feel like I feel like that information didn't change Trump's opinion of the German generals. Like knowing Trump, he was probably like, those losers try to kill Hitler three times, and they choked like a dog, like a duck, couldn't get it done. You know who was able to kill Hitler in the first try?

Hitler. It's called leadership, people. Leadership. But anyway, let's move on to some of the big and new stories of the day. Starting off with President Joe Biden, who had himself one hell of a weekend. First of all, he finally tested negative again for COVID and was allowed to leave quarantine for the first time in 18 days.

Yeah, so he's back and as good as new or whatever he was when he went in. And 18 days is a long time in quarantine, but I'm sure he'll get right back into the swing of things, you know? Because, yeah, being president is a lot like, you know, riding a bike. Oh, Joe, don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it! So, the good news for Biden is that he's out of quarantine.

And even more good news for Biden is that he's now in the history books. The historic vote in the Senate. Major, major victory tonight for the Democrats and for our planet. This morning, Democrats triumphant. Every member of my caucus is elated about what happened because we've really, we've changed the world in a way that you rarely get an opportunity to do that. Passing a sweeping climate, health care, and economic package after 22 straight hours of dusk to dawn work over the weekend. Vice President Kamala Harris casting the tie-breaking vote for Democrats to pass the bill, which boasts climate spending and billions in energy investments.

Also reducing prices of prescription drugs by letting Medicare negotiate directly with pharmaceutical companies. A major legislative victory for Democrats in Congress and for the Biden White House. Suddenly, he is one of the most consequential legislative presidents since LBJ in his first two years in office. Yeah, don't look now, people, but all of a sudden, Sleepy Joe has himself a pretty fat stack of accomplishments. Yeah, in just the past few weeks, he'll have done lower prescription drug prices, the biggest investment in green energy ever, health care for veterans exposed to burn pits,

investment in computer chip production, and he kept the leader of Al-Qaeda while he was sunbathing. Think about it. This is insane. You realize what this means. If he keeps this up, his approval rating is gonna shoot all the way up to like 39%. And he did all of this with COVID. I bet right now the White House doctors

are trying to figure out how to give COVID back to the president again. Come on, guys, ha ha ha! If we're getting infected, maybe he'll end the war in Ukraine. And by the way, I know it's weird I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I this this this this this this this is this this with this with this with this with this with this with this with this with this with this with this with this with this with this with this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this. this. this. th, I th, I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, th this is weird, but have you noticed that Joe Biden seems to be the most successful whenever he disappears? No, I know it's weird, but like during the campaign, right? He went and he hit in the basement and nobody saw him for months. Everyone was like, where's Joe Biden? And then out of no way, they announced that he was the president, yeah? Remember, he even came out on election night and was just like, really, thua...... to wait, really, to wait, to wait, to wait, to wait, to wait, to wait, to wait, to wait, to wait, to wait, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like now, gas prices, crazy, Congress, stuck, inflation, wild. Joe Biden gets COVID, disappears into the basement again.

And then when he comes out, they tell him that not only is he still the president, he is now one of the greatest presidents in the history of presidents. Gas prices went down, Congress is getting things done. The Chocco Taco is coming back from the Dan? I don't know what's in that basement. But whatever it is, it's working. In fact, I want that basement to be president. Basement 2024.

And by the way, it's not like this bill was easy for Biden to get. Remember that. Because it's a 50-50 Senate, right? The Democrats can't afford to lose a single vote. So first, they spent a year convincing Joe Manchin to get on board. And he was like, look, I'll back your climate change stuff, but only if you let me squeeze baby seals to see if there's oil inside. And the Democrats were like, sure, yeah, yeah, whatever. But then at the last minute, they had to convince Kristen Cinema. And she was like, okay, I'll sign on. But only if you let me squeeze hedge fund

managers to see if there's campaign donations inside. And I guess it worked. So let's move on. Because no matter what you think about Joe Biden's accomplishments, we can all agree that he stole the election in 2020. Yeah, it was a landslide victory for Donald Trump, but sneaky Joe Byron hacked into the Matrix and turned all the voting machines black. No one denies this. And on January 6th, a group of Patriots tried to explain all of this to Mike Pence's neck, but instead of listening, the US government has been throwing them in jail.

They've been locked away in those cold cells ever since with only their fur hats to keep them warm. So over the weekend, over the weekend, conservatives gathered in Texas, all right? To raise awareness for just how badly the January 6th riders are being treated. And the way they did this was they held a very special tribute that is very moving and not at all hilarious. The insurrection fallout is front and center at CPAC. This year's most buzzed about booth is this, a fake jail cell.

What you're watching actually happened at CPAC. It features a convicted January 6th rioter doing performance art in a cage wearing an orange jumpsuit. Visitors were offered headsets so they could listen to interviews with jail January 6th defendants while watching the actor weep. Some viewers wept along with him. Others threw money into the cage. Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Green entered the cell to pray with him. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the too. too. tooea. tooeaughea tooea, tooea, too, tooea, the the the the the the the the the the the Green entered the cell to pray with him. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait.

Okay, just wait. to just wait. Help me understand the logic here. Marjorie Taylor Green is praying for a fake prisoner? No, this is a real thing. She's like, serious, who is this lady? Like America, you understand, this is a person who's actually part of running your country. She's in there mourning with a fake praying for.

Like, how does she function in the world? It's a fake person? She must have the hardest time at Broadway shows. They killed Hamilton! Ha! Ah! Ah! I mean, I guess in her defense, this actor in the lobby of the CPAC Conventional really commits it to the role? Because apparently, he spent hours in that jail cell weeping, the whole time, just weeping. Which in a way is a powerful performance art, because isn't that what conservatism has turned to in America? It's just people in mega hats acting like their victims.

There's fewer white people now than they used to be. But we still have all the power! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, oh. Oh. By the way, the part that made me laugh the hardest was how people were throwing money into the caves. Like, what is that? What is that?

It's like the only way they know how to interact with art is the same way they interact with strippers, you know? Just like, your freedom has been stolen from you. Shake that ass. Just shake that ass. Now, you would think a story like this couldn't get any crazier. But truly, the best part of the story is this actor, is this actor who played the defendant was an actual rioter on January 6th,

who reportedly avoided a prison sentence by snitching on the other rioters. Yeah, so just so you understand, this dude is pretending to be a prisoner that he helped send to prison. Which is insane, you snitched on your fellow rioters. They go to jail. And now you're out in the streets crying, like, man, I wish there was something I could have done to stop them from going to jail. I wish there's something I could have got.

This is wild. All right, let's move on to many streaming services out there these days people. It's just too much. There's Hulu, there's Netflix, there's you know prime video, Apple TV plus, Disney Plus. It's getting out of hand. It's getting out of hand. Especially when Paramount Plus gives you everything that you need in one place. You know there's this Champions League, there's Rupos Drag Race, there's the Daily Show, there, there's there's the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the Star, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th is is thee, it's the th. It's the th. It's th. It, the th, it, it, it's the th, it's th, it's th, it's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tap, it's tapaple, it's taple Ta, tape, tape, tape, ta' is ta'er.a'er.a' is ta'er.a' is ta'er. ta' is ta' is ta' is tape, Beavis and Butthead, and of course the Daily Show, what else do you need? So yes, there are way too many services, but luckily, soon there's going to be one less. Soon you'll get a two-for-one deal on streaming. HBO Max and Discovery Plus will merge next year. Subscribers will have various options between HBO's scripted entertainment and Discovery's reality-based programming. It comes as HBO Max struggles with performance and customer issues. The CEO of Warner Brothers says Discovery Plus

has better technology and will become the core of the new service. No, no, no this is enough. How many times is HBO going to change this name? Huh? It was HBO Go and then it was HBO now and it's HBO max? th- Like at this point I feel, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, th, thi, no, no, no, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, this is enough. How many times is HBO going to change this name? Huh? It was HBO Go and then it was HBO Now and then it's HBO Max? Like at this point I feel like they're just messing with us. Next month they're going to be like, our new name is HBO bitch ass says what? What? Ha ha ha ha ha! So yeah, Warner Brothers, Discovery and H. HBO are merging everything into one giant company. I know that's gonna be weird, but I for one cannot wait to see how all of these biggest shows combine.

Coming up on House Hunter's Westeros, Jerry is looking for a bigger space in King's Landing for his growing family. Okay, first of all, a sword chair, what is this? Like 1527, guys, let's switch that whole thing up, you know? Let's put an acute ottoman, knock down some these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these these the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the27, guys? Let's switch that, let's just switch that whole thing up, you know, let's put an acute ottoman, knock down some of these walls, yeah? Switch out the blood with a fresh coat of paint. Yeah, we gotta do that.

Ah! Ah! Oh, we gotta fix the premiere of our new series 90-day succession. To fundamentally alter the nature of the family on my wedding day, you have any conception of how goddamn selfish you are. Lady, I just want a green card, huh? Let's kick things off with the ongoing saga of Donald Judeo-Christian Trump, who earlier this week was rudely interrupted by the ongoing saga of Donald Judeo-Christian Trump, who earlier

this week was rudely interrupted by the FBI when he was trying to hoard classified documents. And there's still a lot we don't know about this raid. What did the FBI find? Why would Trump be keeping these documents in the first place? Has Trump secretly been able to read this entire time? But now, we may be getting a little more insight into why the FBI moved in on Marlago. Tonight, brand new reporting about what led the FBI to execute a search warrant Monday at Trump's Florida home. The Wall Street Journal reporting that the feds may have gotten a tip-off from an insider after officials visited Marlago back in June

to ask about government documents possibly stored there. Someone familiar with the stored papers told investigators there may still be more classified documents at the private club. Trump World is now reportedly trying to figure out who flipped. According to Rolling Stone, Trump is worried that he may have a rat or multiple rats in his mist. He's wondering if his phones are tapped,

or even if his bodies could be wearing a wire. Oh no. One of Trump's friends could be wearing a wire? This is the worst possible scenario, because now he's got to tell Rudy Giuliani and Steve Bannon to take their shirts off? Just be like, take it, you know what, on second thought, I'll just kill myself. And if this is actually true, I am going to be shocked. I cannot believe someone would betray Trump's trust like this.

Without getting a book deal first. You're leaving money on the table, people! What are you doing? Also, by the way, before Maga World tears itself apart trying to figure out who's the rat, I think you should all consider the fact that Trump could be the leak, okay? No, because if there's one thing we've learned over the past seven years, is that he's the king of snitching on himself. Yeah, for what we know, he was bragging about it at the Mar documents. I keep in my basement, but not a single person knows it was the perfect crime. By the way, that's a real picture of him at the buffet. We didn't create that.

There are many pictures of him at the buffet. Now, if we had more time, we could get into how Trump has had such a tight hold on the Republican party that they're willing to put him above the law. Or we could talk about whether Merrick Garland unsealing the search warrant will convince Republicans that this search was justified. But we just don't have the time. Because while Trump is fighting off the FBI, two former Trump officials are trying to dodge Iranian assassins.

Turning to a story overseas, a member of Iran's elite revolutionary guard is charged in an alleged plot to murder former national security advisor John Bolton. Investigators say the alleged murder for higher plot began to take shape after this drone strike in Iraq, assassinated Tomperanian General Kossum Sulamani over two years ago. Iran bound retaliation. The Justice Department is now charging Sharam Porsofi, a member of Iran's revolutionary guard with offering $300,000 to murder Bolton. The FBI also alleges that Porsofi, a member of Iran's Revolutionary Guard, with offering $300,000 to murder Bolton. The FBI also alleges that Porsafi had a second job for $1 million. The target of that job, former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo.

Yeah, that's right. America assassinated Iran's top general. One of the countries most respected and feared men. And Iran responded by trying to kill John Bolton and Mike, to to to to to to to to to Bolton and to to Bolton and Bolton and Bolton and Bolton and Bolton and Bolton and Bolton and Bolton and Bolton and Bolton and Bolton and Bolton and Bolton and Bolton and Bolton and Bolton and Bolton and Bolton, to bolton, to boulton, tooltoltoltoltoltol, thol, thol, theyol. theyol. theyol. they, they, they, they, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to tooltoltoltoltoltoltoltolt, tooltoltoltoltoltoltoltoltoltoltoltoltoltols, toole. toole. Io. Io. Ia, toole, toole, tho. too. too. toole, toole, and feared men, and Iran responded by trying to kill John Bolton and Mike Pompeo. It's not the same level. It's like if your wife slept with your best friend and you're like, oh yeah, well I hooked up with the IT guy at your office. Okay.

You know, in some ways it actually says something about how divided America is. Yeah. That it has nobody as respected as Soleimani was in Iran. It feels like if anyone got assassinated in America, half the country would be like, hell yeah, thank you Iran. And by the way, just as insult, $300,000 for Bolton, but a million for Pompeo? You know, that's a big difference in price. I almost feel bad for John Bolton.

Because I don't know what's worse, being on an assassin's hit list, or having the assassin find you, and the assassin jumping out like, John Bolton, Petarsag, I'm looking for a more important person to kill. Do you know where I could find him? Yes? Yes, point me in the right direction. Also, by the way, if Iran was willing to pay a million dollars to kill Trump's Secretary of State, they should have just asked Trump to do it. I mean, he was going to get his vice president killed for free. Come on, people. Think about it. Think about it. No, but for real, I do feel bad for John Bolton. I mean, yes, he's always trying to bomb every other country. Yes, he brags about overthrowing governments,

but being hunted by the Iranians can't be fun. I mean, it definitely explains why he's wearing that stupid, It's real. Oh, sorry, my bad. Now, if we had more time, we could talk about how America sees nothing wrong with assassinating foreign officials whenever they like, but I'm surprised when other countries want to get revenge. You should have turned to the other cheek, but we just don't have the time. God damn it, because while Iran is trying to get rid of people, Japan is trying to figure out how to add people to its population. The only problem is who they put in charge of that. Japan has replaced the female minister in charge of reversing the country's falling birth rate

with a man who has never had children. Messinaabu Ogura said he gained an understanding of the issues facing expectant mothers by wearing a simulated pregnancy belly for 24 hours. Telling reporters that wearing the 16-pound prosthetic left him with sympathy for women and back pain. This is the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life. If having a big belly helped men understand women, the patriarchy would be long gone. What are you talking about? That's the dumbest thing ever, all it left me with his back pay. Also like, what a bitch ass one day and he was like, oh my back.

Now aside from trying to misdoubtfire their falling population problem, Japan is trying everything to figure out why their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thefire their falling population problem, Japan is trying everything to figure out why their people aren't having more babies. And look, I'm not a scientist, but if you ask me, maybe it's because they invented the PlayStation. Yeah, that thing has prevented more pregnancies than every condom diaphragm and IUD ever made. Ever. Ever. That's real birth control. Yeah, just people be like, all right, baby.

You're ready to have some sex? Oh, we're going to have some real sex in that girl. All right, let me just finish this mission. Let me just, oh, shit, I just unlocked the RPG. Yo boys get on line. We're going all night! Baby, you're probably going to want to live the rest of your life without me. Yeah! Now, if we had more time, we could talk about how Japan is a warning to every developed country in the world that if your immigration policies are too restrictive, at some point, your population is going to collapse. Or, if we had time, we could have so much fun talking about how Japan does he do? Send the army to like snipe holes out of condoms? I'd love to figure it out, but ain't nobody got time for that.

Before we go, I just wanted to remind you about a fantastic organization, Jepiigo. They deal with helping women deliver health care, right? All around the world, whether it's training doctors on family health, educating women on planned parenting or building new systems to get women's health care to impoverish communities. They do it all. So if you'd like to help them guarantee healthier futures for women and their families, then please donate at the link below. The Daily Show with Trevor Noah Ears Edition. Subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.