The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories - The Royal Family announces Queen Elizabeth's death

Episode Date: September 10, 2022

The Royal Family announces Queen Elizabeth's death, the UK gets a new Prime Minister, Steve Bannon gets indicted, and Apple announces the iPhone 14. Here's what you missed this week.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. I know, right? It's like how many more left? It feels like everyone around Trump has been torusted. Well, I know, right? It's like how many more left. It feels like everyone around Trump has been put in cuffs. His CFO, his lawyer, his campaign manager, his other campaign manager, his campaign manager after that, his deputy campaign manager, his fundra, his fundraisers, his lawyer, his campaign manager, his other campaign manager, his campaign manager

after that, his deputy campaign manager, his fundraisers, his advisors, basically every single person Donald Trump has ever met has gone to prison. And I know what you're saying, Trevor, Eric has never been to prison, yeah, because that's because he never met him, you dumb ass. I said, met. You realize now there are enough Trump people in jail to start their own prison game, right, thaping thaping tham, right, their their their their their their their their their their their their thi their thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi..... He. Hea, thi. Hea, thi. Hea, to their tape, their their their tape, their tape, tape, their their their there's enough Trump people in jail to start their own prison gang, right? There's gonna be like, yo, that's the Latin Kings, that's the Aryan Brotherhood and them over there, that's the Trump cabinet man. Those MFers are

loco. They're crazy. And now another Trump associate has been arrested. For the second time, and it's Steve Bannon. Yes, Trump's former chief advisor and what happens when you wait too long to clean out your fridge. You see, he's in trouble for the in the state of New York and what he's in trouble for probably won't surprise you at all. This morning long-time Trump advisor Steve Bannon facing a new criminal indictment as he turns himself into authorities here in New York, accused of siphoning money from the group called We Build the Wall, an online campaign to build a section of President Trump's border wall that raised $25 million.

The founders claiming that every penny would go to construction, promising those who donated a brick in the wall with their name on it. Prosecutors say instead, Bannon and his associates lined their pockets with large sums of that money... th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, their th, their th, their, their, th, their, the, the, their, their, the, the, the, their, their, called, their, their, their, their, called, their, called, called, called, their, called, called, called, their, called, their, called, called, called, called, called, called, called, called, called, called, called, called, called, called, called, called, called, called, their their their their their their their, called, called, their, their, their their, the, their, their the, the, the.e.e.e. Weauiiuiuiuiuiui.e.e.e.e.e. Weauiuiui. Weauiauia, the. Wea, the. Wea, on it. Prosecutors say instead, Bannon and his associates lined their pockets with large sums of that money. Bannon, now calling the charges phony and a political weaponization of the criminal justice system, saying, I am never going to stop fighting. They will have to kill me first.

Oh, they will have to kill me first. Oh, they will have to kill me first. What a little bitch. Why don't you go to, why don't you get into a shootout with the cops? You have to kill me first. This guy's acting like a gangster while he's surrendering to the police. You'll never take me alive, coppers. Please put the handcuffs on gently. Yeah. My wrists are so soft. But yeah, once again, Steve Bannon is going to court over allegations that he defrauded Trump supporters over the wall. And can't th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, the the the thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. Trump supporters over the wall. And can I just ask, how long are the mega-crown going to keep falling for this shit, huh? Trump's people have been fleecing them for seven straight years, and still they're like, Don Jr. says he needs $2 million to reclaim his throne

as the Prince of Nigeria. Let's give him the money, honey. And just by the way, kudosos to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the prosecutors to to to the prosecutors to the prosecutors to to the prosecutors to the prosecutors to to to the prooes, to to to to to to the the the to to to to to to the the the the the the the the th the the the th the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tr tr tr tr tr tr tr true, true, true, true, true, true, true, true, true, true, true, true, true, true, true, true, true, true, th the way, kudos to the prosecutors who even thought to investigate Steve Bannon for stealing millions of dollars. Because I won't lie, I would have never suspected this guy. This guy doesn't look like he has $15. Look at him. He doesn't, millions of dollars. He looks like he sublet from Oscar the Grouch. I wouldn't have suspected him of having the money.

Now, if we had the time, we could talk talk about how instead of convincing mega supporters that Trump world is basically a hotbed of criminal activity, they're so drunk on his Kool-Aid that instead it just convinces them that they're the most persecuted group in human history. Why do they keep charging us with crimes just because we keep committing crimes? It's not fair. But we don't have the time to talk about. It turns out that some of his biggest supporters are the law. The Anti-Defamation League Center on Extremism has released a detailed membership list it says for the far-right militia group, the Oathkeepers. It poured over 38,000 names from the leaked list and says it found hundreds of current and former elected officials, law enforcement officers, first responders and members of the military.

The ADL says those names include 81 people who were serving in or running for public office, 373 people believed to currently be serving in law enforcement agencies across our country, and 117 people currently serving in the U.S. military. Right now, more than a dozen Oathkeepers, including the group's founder, are facing charges for their roles in the January 6th riot. That's right, the Oathkeepers, a right-wing extremist group, just had their membership leaked, right? The entire membership list was reeked. And it turns out that hundreds of them are active members of the government, military or law enforcement, which is pretty thapapapapapapapapap by a cop because he's part of some racist organization telling him to do it, you know?

I want him to beat me up because he's racist for the love of the game, you know? Do it for yourself. I do have a question though. Why does a secretive group keep a list of everyone's name? It's just careless, you know? Yeah, that's why they'll never run the world like the Illuminati. The Illuminati is smart. They don't make stupid mistakes like that. They'll never give it away. You laugh like I'm really in the Illuminati.

You're like, ha, we got you, Trev. I will say it's getting hard to keep track of all of these extremist groups now. You know, it's like the oath keepers, the proud boys, the Patriot Front, it's like the list never ends. I actually feel bad for extremists, you know, because they've got to join all of these different groups like they share accounts, like, can I jump on your account for the KKK Plus? I can't afford all these hate groups right now. Now look, we could talk more about how it almost doesn't matter that some elected officials are oathkeepers, because there's already a conspiratorial anti-government ideology leading the Republican Party right now. But we don't have the time for that. Because while some people are trying to overthrow the government, a city in Europe is trying to overthrow your diet. The Dutch city of Harlem may be the world's first to ban most meat advertising.

The Green Links, that's a green political party is faced opposition from the meat sector and some who say it stifles free speech, but it says the meat ads need to be banned to prevent climate change. But, the Dutch are weird. No, they are. Like, drugs are legal, but they're cracking down on meat? So what, soon dealers in Amsterdam are going to be in the streets like, here's your heroin? You'll meet me out back if you want some ribs, man. But yeah, a city in the Netherlands is banning meat ads because eating meat is a major contributor to climate change.

And this is a big move because meat advertisements have been around since the beginning of time. That's basically what the cave drawings were, right? I was like, yo, if you see this, eat it. Trust me. And look, I get it. You don't want to encourage people to do something that's bad for the planet. You know, it's why we don't allow ads for Barbie's dream coal plants. But I don't know about banning meat ads. What I do think they should do in America, every fast food commercial is like,

you know you want our juicy beef patties in your mouth. It's like, so big and meaty, yeah. Dip your nuggets in our special sauce, daddy. It's like, damn Wendy's up with my nephew, chill. I'll call you after. Now, if we had more timetime we could talk about why so little climate policy focuses on the livestock industry even though it accounts for around 15% of all greenhouse gas emissions. I mean we always hear about

how the cows emit methane and I'm sure the cows are like how about you stop eating us first and then we could talk about whether or not we should stop farting but we don't have the time for that because while the the Dutch are getting rid of meat a the the their meat their meat their meat their meat their to their their their their to their their their their to their. I I I I I I I I I I'm. their. t. t. t. t. the to to to the the their. toe. toe. toe. toe. to to to to to to to to to their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the. the. t. the. the. t. the. t. t. t. t. t. the the the the te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. t. A new ruling in Texas today is dealing a sucker punch to a key provision of the Affordable Care Act. A federal judge says that employers are not required to cover drugs that prevent HIV infections in their health care plans, adding that mandated coverage by the government of those medications violates their religious beliefs. This was a lawsuit brought by a group of Christian conservatives. Their argument, literally one of their arguments they made

is they don't want to pay for these drugs because they quote, facilitate or encourage homosexual behavior, which is contrary to their religious beliefs. Yeah, you heard that right. A Texas court says religious employers don't have to include HIV medication in their health care plan because then the employees might be more likely to have gay sex. And this would violate the employer's rights because it makes the employer complicit in the gay sex.

Which is the most ridiculous argument I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, because then by that logic, where do you draw the line? Employers can say that any medical coverage makes gay sex more likely. Eye exams. Oh, so you want to see more men to have gay sex with you? Ea-saxe, huh? Everything. Physical therapy. Oh, so you'll have the stamina for more gay sex. te. Oh, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so you'll thi. So, so you'll th, so you'll th, so you'll th, so you'll thi, so you'll thi, so you'll th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi, thi. thi, thi, thi, thi. thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. that's that's that's that's that's thaaaa. that's that's thaaa. that's tha. have gay sex with you? Nice try, Gary, nice try.

And you know this is the kind of religious exemption that only evangelical Christians get to claim? They'll be like, oh, we're Christians so we can discriminate. Let's see what happens the first time a Muslim employer says, I'm not going to pay my workers. What if they use the money to buy bacon? I I I I I I I I I I judge is going to be like, wow, who am I to question the teachings of Allah? Who am I? Also for the record, wasn't Jesus the one curing lepers for free? Huh? He wasn't showing up, asking questions like, yo, before I heal you, uh, you didn't get this leprosy from doing butt stuff, right? I just want to make sure. Now obviously we could definitely talk more about how the notion of religious liberty has been expanded so much in this country that now basically allows conservatives to discriminate

against anyone but we don't have the time for that because there is one story that came in and conquered all the other news and it's about the Queen. We do have this breaking news just coming in from Buckingham Palace. Queen Elizabeth the second has died. Just hours after her doctor said they were concerned for her health. The 96 year old queen has been at Belmoral Castle in Scotland among the people with her at Belmoral her four children Andrew, Anne, Edward and Charles, who is now officially king automatically ascending to the throne upon the announcement of his mother's death. The queen of course the longest

raining monarch in British history and one of the announcement of his mother's death. The Queen, of course, the longest-reigning monarch in British history and one of the longest-raining ever. The Queen has died, one, two, and long leave the king. Yes, it's official. At the age of 96, Queen Elizabeth II passed away today. You know, I'm not going to lie, it's been interesting to see how varied the reactions to this news have been. You know, the full spectrum of emotions, everything from, how will the kingdom carry on all the way to, you shouldn't have colonized India, by bitch.

It's been really broad. But whatever you think about the royal family or the monarchy, you've got to admit, it's insane how long Elizabeth sat on the throne. She came to power in 1952. You understand how long that is? That means she's seen Adam West as Batman, Michael Keaton as Batman, Michael Keaton as Batman, Christian Bale as Batman, survived that and then saw Robert Pattonson as Batman. And look, I'm sure there's a better way to measure time than in Batman, but you get it.

She's been in the game for a minute. And on top of that, on top of that, she was a queen. The real deal. Because these days, that term gets thrown around way too much. Yeah, you just post a photo of your smoothie online. Everyone's like, yeah, self-care queen. No, that doesn't make you a queen. You're a Duchess of self-care at best. Now in case you're wondering, Prince Charles is now going to be the king,

which, let's be honest, is much better than being prince. I mean, he's, no, he's 73 years old. And until today, he still had the same title as his own grandchildren. That was weird. Yeah, the world wasn't made for an old prince. I can tell you now, there's no one in a Disney movie who's like, someday my prince will come, and he'll wear off the pediatric shoes and eat cottage cheese for every meal. Oh. Like Charles is so old, he's going to be the first royal to ascend the throne in one of

those motorized stairlifts. That's how old he is. The FDA has officially authorized new COVID boosters that for the first time target the Omicron variance. And I'm so excited, because this means we can finally fight Omicron just eight months after everyone got it. Yes! And in case you're counting, that is now the fourth COVID shot,

which means one more, and we all get a free sandwich, yeah! Meanwhile, in climate news, the West Coast of America is currently experiencing a record-breaking heat wave, with tematures in some cities topping 115 degrees. Yeah. It is so hot in California right now that people are begging Harry Stiles to spit on them. Ah, please. Please, Harry, please. Oh, in international news, it is now being reported that due to global sanctions, Russia is being forced to buy ammunition from North Korea. Yeah, which I think we can all agree means you're pretty desperate.

Yeah, you have to go to North Korea because no one else will sell. It's like only a matter of time before Putin can only get haircuts from North Korea. That's going to be fun. Nowhere else. All right, but let's move on to some of the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest to some the biggest to some the biggest to some of the biggest the biggest to some of the biggest stories of the day. Starting with the only man in America whose scrapbooking hobby could land him in prison, Donald J. Trump. Yeah, the J stands for January 6.

There have been some major developments in the FBI's investigation into America's former president. So let's catch up on all of it in another installment of America's most national security secrets, we've all been wondering what exactly Trump was hiding there. And over the weekend, we finally got a detailed rundown of what the FBI took away. There were 31 documents labeled confidential. There were 54 labeled secrets and 18 labeled top secrets. And even better than that, agents found those documents intermingled in the same boxes as magazine clippings and clothing.

So I guess Trump has a legal problem and a hoarding problem? Like what is? It's almost like, after the FBI is done with Trump, they need to send in Marie Condo, you know, just to be like, does this 1987 copy of Playboy spark joy, Donald? It does, it sparks so much joy, so much joy. But even more concerning is that the FBI also found dozens of classified folders that were empty, which obviously raises the question, where are the documents from the folders? Are they in other boxes? Did he lend them to to to say? to say? to say? to to say? to to to say? to to to to play? the to play? they? the folders? Are they in other boxes? Did he lend them to Saudi Arabia?

Or maybe it's more innocent. Maybe Trump just keeps a bunch of folders labeled classified, so he can give them to friends with photocopies of his butt inside. I mean, that's a good joke. That's a good joke. You're like, what's in here? Ah, ha? It's also possible the intelligence community didn't trust Trump with classified information, so they just gave him empty folders. We don't know.

Yeah, it could just be like, sir, these documents are so secret. We made them invisible. He's just like, incredible. Just like all the love letters, Milania sends me. I get it. Totally get it. But nobody knows what Trump was doing with these files and folders. And now, it might be a lot longer until we find out. The criminal investigation into those classified documents

found at Marilago is temporarily on hold. As a result of this 24-page order, where a Florida federal judge granted former President Trump's request that authorizes the appointment of a special master. An independent observer to review what the appointment of a special master, an independent observer to review what the FBI seized from the Trump estate last month. The special master would separate any items that might be protected by claims of attorney-client privilege or executive privilege.

The judge said to deadline of Friday for both sides in this case, Trump and the DOJ to propose a list of candidates they want to be special master. Now the judge also said in this ruling that DOJ cannot use the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to use the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to use to use the FBI the FBI the FBI thsee see see see see see see see see see the FBI the FBI to use to to review. to review. to review to to review to the FBI the FBI the FBI the FBI the FBI the FBI the FBI the FBI the FBI the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. I I the f. I the f. I the f. I the the the the the the the the the the th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e. tr.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e. the. the t. Trump and the DOJ, to propose a list of candidates they want to be special master. Now, the judge also said in this ruling that DOJ cannot use these documents at all as part of its criminal investigation until this review is completed. Yeah, that's right. A judge in Florida has decided to appoint an independent observer to go through all of the documents and determine which ones are off limits to investigators. And that person is called a special master master special special special special special special special special special special special special special special special special special special special special special special, which, which, which off limits to investigators. And that person is called a special master, which I'm not gonna lie when I first heard it.

Sounded pretty cool. It's like, Donald Trump is getting a special master. I was like, he's about to learn Kung Fu. And it's thus and he's like, hmm, I am your special master. And you, Donald, I'm like, great, can you teach me chopsticks? And what's going to be really interesting is who they pick for this job. Because the judge gave each side until Friday to submit a list of suggestions together. So basically the judge is going, Trump, you send us a list of who you think should review the documents,

and then, like, the Justice Department you do the same thing and then I guess the judge is hoping that they'll overlap? I don't know. I feel like the Department of Justice is going to submit the names of like former attorney generals and FBI directors and then the list from Trump's side is going to be like Jared the hamburger a paper shred on top of a toilet you know? But you know once again Donald Trump has exposed the part of America that I'm willing to bet no? the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. to be to be th. th. to be thi. I'm thi. I'm to be toe of the the th. I th. I the the th. I the the the the th. I the the th. I the the th. I the the the th. I the the the the the th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's toe. I's to do is is is is is to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be the the. I'm t. I'm te. I'm te. I'm te. te. te. te. te. the the the the the the the the the the the the the part of America that I'm willing to bet nobody knew existed. Nobody. Did you know about a special master? Any of you? Huh?

I didn't even know there was an option. I've watched 10 million hours of law and order. I know about subpoenas. I know about breaking the chain of custody, objection, sustained overruled, sidebar in my chambers, but not once have I heard the the the than, than, than, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, today, thiol-a, thae, thae, thiolomea, thiolomea, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, thiol-a, th. Did th. Did th. Did th. Did th. Did, but not once have I heard the term special master. But once again, thanks to Trump, because of his hard work and dedication to doing crimes, we've all learned something new today. And I say thank you, Mr. President. That's right.

But let's move on to some international news from the American Trump to the British one. Prime Minister Boris Johnson. Back in July he was forced to resign due to a long list of scandals. You know, he was having parties during his own COVID lockdown. He was receiving shady loans. He was promoting people that he knew were accused of sexual harassment. You name it, he did it. He's like a one-man, Chandra Rhyme's show. So finally, his party forced Boris to resign.

And today, they appointed the new leader of the United Kingdom. The United Kingdom has a new Prime Minister this morning. Liz Trust officially took over from Boris Johnson today, after meeting with Queen Elizabeth at Belmoral Castle. We have We have huge reserves of talent, of energy and determination. I am confident that together we can ride out the storm. Trust inherits a nightmare. War in Europe, a biting cost of living crisis.

The country braced for a winter of potential blackouts and fuel poverty. Yeah, once again, the United Kingdom is bringing a woman into power only when things are really shit. Yeah, they do this all the time. Margaret Thatcher, Teresa May, Mary Poppins, the list is endless. That's why it feels good to live in a country like America. It is so feminist, it won't put a woman in charge ever. Just in case things get really bad. You're welcome, ladies. You're welcome.

And you know, I gotta say, it's weird how the British system just springs a new prime minister on you. Like, you know when they pick the new doctor who, there's all the speculation and debates and the whole country is weighing in on it. But for the new prime minister, they're just like like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. th. th. the, the, th. th. th. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, and debate and the whole country is weighing in on it. But for the new prime minister, they're just like, meet Liz, she's running the country now. So I wish the best of luck to Prime Minister Truce. And from now on, until she, I guess, resigns in disgrace. No, because that's what happens. That's what happens to British Prime Ministers.

They never get to the end of their term. You just serve until some shit goes down and you have to apologize and leave. In fact, you know what, to make things simpler, the new prime minister should just start their term with an apology speech, you know? It is truly an honor to be taking this job that I will be forced to resign from a year. I'm excited to lead this nation, and I'm ashamed for the terrible things that I will do that force me from office. But until that happens, I have many ideas for this country. I want to rebuild the roads. I want to expand national health care.

And oh, look at that. Oh, boy, there's the scandal already. It's been a privilege of a lifetime to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve to serve, let's move on to some big entertainment news. Amazon Prime Video has announced that its new Lord of the Rings prequel series is its most watched program ever, with more than 25 million viewers checking out the show on his first day. Yeah, but it turns out some of those people might be hate watching. Amazon is suspending reviews of its new Lord of the Rings series on Rotten Tomatoes. It says the 72-hour hold is to make sure the reviews for rings of power are legit

and prevent internet trolls from bringing down their score. Amazon says reviews are being dragged down by fans who are upset about the show's diverse cast, which includes black actors playing elves and dwarves. These viewers say it's unrealistic for Tolkien's creatures to be non-white. Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, this is a tough one. This is a tough one hand,

everyone wants diversity in the shows that we create. But on the other hand, you gotta admit, it's a bit unrealistic to say that there were black people in this white guy's imagination, you know? I mean... I mean, I can get on board with a show or a world where magical creatures cost spells and fight undead armies for control of a piece of jewelry that can turn them into gods, but if those creatures have a tan, it's just not believable anymore.

It really isn't. It really isn't. No, for real. This is so hypocritical. You're going to get mad about seeing a black dwarf in Lord of the Rings, but you're fine with seeing a Kevin Hart movie. Be consistent! He's so tiny. Also, by the way, I don't understand why people are this angry. It's not like all the characters turn black.

All right? There's one black dwarf, a couple of black elves. It's not like the NBA, calm down. People were like, oh, they're like, oh, they're like, it's black, was it? You know, it's the same way people were losing their shit well it only takes one to lower the property values, you know, the House of Dragon used to be worth $400,000, now I don't know anymore. And I know what people are saying. People are saying that the books are supposed to be based on medieval Europe, so having black characters isn't realistic. But guys, nobody's watching Lord of the Rings for realism, okay?

They're watching it because they didn't have sex in high school. That's that. It's not realistic. I won't say this, though. I will say this. Apart from the racism thing, I kind of agree. I don't think it makes sense to have black characters in Lord of the Rings. Yeah, I said it. The whole series is about seeing danger and then running towards it. That's some white people shit. And they're like, the reason there were no black people in middle earth is because they saw the giant eye talking out of a volcano and they were like, oh, hell no! are moving to Africa because this shit here? Uh-uh, no, no, we do not need to be here. We're going to Africa, we're totally safe. The e-cigarette company, Jewel, has agreed to pay a settlement of nearly half a billion dollars for marketing their product to teenagers.

And obviously this is really bad for the company. Yeah, 500 million dollars. The old business has just gone up in strawberry-flavored smoke. This is great news for teenagers because now they have half a billion dollars, which they can spend on more jewels. Meanwhile, in education news, New York City has announced that students will no longer get snow days. half a billion dollars which they can spend on more jewels. Yeah! Meanwhile in education news, New York City has announced that students will no longer get snow days and will instead attend classes on Zoom. Yes, this is a thing. No snow days, only Zoom.

Yeah. I mean, luckily this isn't too big of a deal. I know it's sad. But you realize thanks to climate change, New York's getting snow for, what, two years max now? Yeah, by 2026, this is basically going to be Florida with better bagels, that's all it's going to be. But I do feel bad for these kids, you know, missing out on such a big parts of childhood. I mean, like when I was growing up, then, you know, and I'd be like, oh, and then I'd remember that I grew up in Africa, you idiots. Doesn't snow there. I think I give a shit about you losing snow days? The hell out of here, you dumb kids.

Oh, in sports news, the US Soccer Federation has announced that the women's national team will now get paid the same amount of money as the men. That's right. That is right. Female soccer players have finally achieved their goal. But you see, ladies, all you have to do is be literally the best in the world at something. And someday, you too will get paid the same amount as men who are mediocre at the same job. It is inspiring is what it is. It is inspiring. All right but let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day starting with the war in Ukraine and yes it is still going on even though you put

that flag in your profile photo I know I thought it would work too. As the war drags on the fallout is being felt around the world. Europe is facing skyrocketing energy prices, Africa is still suffering from grain shortages, and America has been forced to part with some of its most beloved missiles. But now, everyone is worried that the next fallout from the war could be nuclear. This morning, there are fears the Zapparia nuclear plant in southern Ukraine is accelerating towards a potential disaster. A report just released by a team of UN watchdog inspectors found, seven pillars of nuclear safety have been significantly compromised.

Inspectors who visited the plant say its security is being undermined by shelling and Russian military equipment on the site. New images of damage caused by shelling at that nuclear power plant near Zapparizia. Overnight, the UN's nuclear watchdog urging Russia and Ukraine to immediately cease all military operations in that area and establish a nuclear safety and security protection zone around the plant. We are playing with fire and something very, very catastrophic could take place. I don't want to be that guy, but I think this is a lot worse than playing with fire, okay?

This is a nuclear apocalypse. I wish we were playing with fire. He's like, we're playing with fire. This guy needs to, like, up his analogy game. We're talking about the end of human life, and he's like, we're wee we're wee we're th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're thi, we're thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, very very very very very very. And, thi, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thin, thin, thi. thi. thiiii. thiiii. thii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. his analogy game. We're talking about the end of human life and he's like, we're cruising for a bruising here. But yeah, the UN is urging Ukraine and Russia to stop fighting around Europe's largest nuclear power plant. And at this point, like, what is the UN even for? Huh? Because even I can urge Ukraine and Russia to not fight around a nuclear power plant. The UN should be able to make them stop. What does the UN do? Please stop with the UN? You know what the UN is?

The UN has basically turned into those parents who have no control over there. Aden, Aden, don't kick your brother. Okay, well, don't kick him near the coffee table, all right. Kik him over there. And also, you thah, you thk, you. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. You. th. You. th. th. You. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the UN, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. the. to. toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Please. Please. Please. too. to. And also, this is yet another sign that Vladimir Putin has lost it. Because if a nuclear power plant blows up in Ukraine, that's next door to Russia. You're also screwed! I mean, unless this is what Putin wants, and maybe he wants a nuclear disaster so that he can roll around in a radioactive cloud

and turn himself into like a mutant, you know? Yeah, I just be like, I have new super power. I am first thia thia thia thuuuuuuuuuuuuu th Russian, I have be like, I have new superpower. I am first Russian with ability to smile. Let's move on from the technology that could kill us all to the technology that helps us waste time on the toilets. The iPhone. Every year, Apple holds a big conference where they reveal the products that we're all going to buy to try and fill the emptiness in our lives. And there's a lot of suspense for these events, because nobody knows in advance what they're going to say. Like, it could just be that the camera is a little better than the last time, or they could announce that the new iPhone can read your thoughts. But today's conference was somewhere in between.

It's the day techies have been waiting for. Apple is announcing its new products right at the top is the latest iPhone. The new iPhone 14 and 14 plus both have larger screens and both are promising longer battery life throughout the day. Also announced the Apple Watch Series 8. They come in seven colors. The new watch can track a whole bunch of stuff, including fertility. The biggest thing happening on the new Series 8 is a temperature sensor that they use for obulation and tracking menstrual cycles and also crash detection.

So if you get into a car crash, it can actually detect that and automatically call emergency services and send them to your location. Yeah, that's right, people. The new iPhone and Applewatch can automatically detect when you're in a car crash. Because you know how sometimes you're in a car crash, but you're like, am I in a car crash? And the phone is like, yeah, you're in a car crash. And the phone is fine in that accident. The car is gone, the phone is like, I'll call the cops for you.

Now obviously I'm kidding, what it actually does is if you incapacitated in a car crash, the device will contact emergency services on your behalf, which is a pretty cool feature. And if it detects that you're in a fatal accident, it'll automatically delete all your porn in the cloud. Thank you, Tim Cook, thank you, thank you so much. Now look, I'm all for safety. I'm all for safety. You know, I just hope that if I do get into an accident, you know, that me and Syria are on the same page.

Otherwise, it could get a little awkward. Hello. 911. This is Trevor was in a car crash. Oh, thank you. Uh, thrown. Uh, thank you so much, the the the the phone while driving. What? No, no, no, no.

Th-Iner was in a car crash. Oh, thank you so much, Siri. He was distracted because he was looking at his phone while driving. What? No, no, don't snitch, Siri, don't snitch. He was scrolling his ex-his Instagram. No, no, that's not true. I wasn't actually, Siri, I wasn't doing that. He still misses her even though he's pretending to move on. No, you know what, actually, I'm just gonna die. 911, hang up, I'm just gonna die. I'm just gonna die. I'm fine, I'm totally fine. Now, the other big feature that Apple announced is that the watch can now track a woman's

menstrual cycle, fertility and ovulation. Yeah, so if you're trying to conceive, it can tell you what time it is. Yeah, imagine that. Everything. Your cycle, your fertility, and your ovulation. A lot of people are excited about this. And a lot of Republicans heard this, and they were like, hey, that's our job. M-ah! We track the ladies. M-ah-ah-mah! What are you doing, Apple? What are you doing, Apple Apple? Apple? Apple? Apple? Apple? Apple? Apple? What thaping Apple? What thaping? What thaping? thaping? thaping? thaping? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi. thi. thi. thi? thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi? thi? thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi.'s talk about Barack Obama. You guys remember him? Remember him? Remember him? There's a black guy.

Good speeches. Never stole nuclear secrets from the government. It's been more than five years since Obama left office. But earlier today, he showed up at the White House again to retake power! I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. He was there to unveil the painting. Former President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama were back at the White House restoring a tradition, unveiling their official portraits.

Barack and Michelle, it's my honor and invite you both to the stage for the unveiling of your official portraits. Come on. I want to thank Sharon Sprung for capturing everything I love about Michelle. I want to thank Sharon Sprung for capturing everything I love about Michelle. Her grace, her intelligence, and the fact that she's fine. She is. Oh, no, just, oh, get a room, you do? Oh, just, you know, seriously, get a room at the White House and help Biden figure shit out, please, just get a room there.

God is so great. I'm not going to lie. I am not an art expert. I don't know the difference between Michelangelo and the other Ninja Turtles, but, uh, what is going on with the Obama portrait? Like, why is he standing in a white void? I don't... No, I don't, I don't get it. It looks like he got his portrait taken at the DMV.

Why does it look like this? It's just like, my license expired, so let's kill two birds with one stone. What is he doing here? No, because these portraits are going to hang in the White House, you, look at Michels. She looks like a movie star painted by a French artiste. Obama's looked like they ran out of printed tone for the background. It's just like there's nothing in the... You know, if you ask me, it's actually kind of ridiculous that they even do portraits anymore. Just take a picture.

The only reason they did portraits back then is they didn't have technology. Just take a picture. A portrait takes so much time. You've got to sit there for three hours while they're painting you. And then when they're finally done, they're like, okay, now a silly one. Also, it must be really weird to live in a house with portraits of your enemies. Do you ever think about that? Because they hang they hang the White House, but you're not in the White House anymore. The person who's in the White House probably doesn't roll with you. So you've just got enemies in your house. Like, imagine if we had to do that. Imagine if every one of us were like showing people around your house, like,

this is my ex who cheated on me, and this is the guy who beat me up in fifth-a, Brad, he was pretty strong, pretty strong guy. That's what presidents have to do. Obama had to walk down hallways looking at George W. Bush's picture. Donald Trump had to sit on the toilet with a portrait of Bill Clinton looking down on him, you know? Just like, look away. I can't go when I'm being watched. I can't do it. Why did I put the picture in the bathroom? You know it would actually that would would that would that would that would that would that would be cool if these portraits were alive like in Harry Potter?

Yeah? Wouldn't that be amazing? Because then if Trump did go back to the White House, Obama's portrait would be there helping him out? Donald, Donald, be careful with those documents. They're classified. Don't eat while you read them, Donald. You're getting ketchup all over them. What's wrong with you? Quick, quick? Isn't, that? Isn't, that? Isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't that, isn't that, isn't that, isn't that, isn't be amazing, isn't that, isn't that that that that that that that that, isn't be amazing, isn't be amazing, isn't, isn't be amazing, isn't be amazing, isn't be amazing, isn't be amazing, isn't be amazing, isn't be that, isn't be that, isn't be that, isn't be th be th be th be th be th be th be th be th be th be th be th be th be th be the, isn't be the, isn't be the? Isn't the? Isn't thea, isn't that be that be a that be a that that that that that that that thatea' that that that that't eat, don't eat while you read them, Donald. You're getting ketchup all over them. What's wrong with you? Quick, quick, the Saudi

ambassador is coming, hide the documents. No, no, don't sell the documents to the Saudi ambassador. Come on, Donald, what are you doing? God, this bitch is dumb. Oh my God, I can't believe it. Mm-mm. Before we go, please consider supporting the Kids in Need Foundation. They go to under-resourced schools and provide much needed supplies like backpacks, books, and so much more. So if you want to help them create a more equitable learning environment in America, then please check out the link below. Watch the Daily Show, Week nights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes on Paramount Plus.

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