The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories | Trump Creates A Litany of Excuses For The FBI Raid

Episode Date: August 20, 2022

Trump creates a litany of excuses for the FBI raid, Liz Cheney gets crushed in the Wyoming Republican primary, and Trump’s CFO pleads guilty to tax fraud. Here’s what happened this week.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Remember how last week the FBI took an eight-hour vacation to Maralago and went home with a bunch of souvenirs? Well, we all had the same question. What were they looking for at Donald Trump's house? This weekend, we all found out. This morning, the newly unsealed search warrant shedding light on what exactly FBI agents were looking for at Maralago and what they seized. According to the documents made public judge, agents were searching for evidence of three potential crimes. Violations of the Espionage Act, unlawful removal of public records,

and obstruction of justice by concealing, altering, or destroying records to impede an investigation. They found 27 boxes of government records, including 11 sets of classified documents. Four sets of documents were marked top secret, and one marked top secret SCI, a classification reserved for some of the most sensitive intelligence and national security information, typically only viewed in a highly secure location.

Yeah, that's right. It turns out Trump didn't just have top-secret documents. They were top-secret SCI. What does SCI stand for you asked? That's also top-secret, you dumb ass. I'll be honest. I didn't even know you could have a level of secret above top. Did you know this? Yeah. I also don't think it makes sense, right? That's the point of top. If there's something above top, then top is middle. You know? Yeah, top is top, people, like top gun. He's the best fighter pilot. If someone else come in and then they're like top a gun, I want my money back. That's not what I was promised. Not to mention, if something is top, but then we find out that there's something

above that, then how do we know that that's not the final thing? Then there could be something about that? Because there's no top? Like, what does this mean? Like, who are we? I'm having a panic attack right now. Stop the show! Stop the show! Stop the show. So, it turns out Donald Trump was in possession of top-secret documents he wasn't supposed to have. And look, I'm not victim blaming here, but if you ask me, the government is partly responsible for labeling the files, the files, the files, the files, the files, the files, the files, the files, the files, the files, the files, the files, the files, the files, the files, the files, the fileing the fileing, the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their theiring of theiring of theiring of theiring, I their, I theiring, I theiring, I their their their their their their their, I their their their, I, I, I their their their their their their their their their their their thin, thin, tapi tapiiiiiiiiiiiiiiia, tapiiiiiia, tapiiiatic, thiiiatic, thi, thi, not victim blaming here, but if you ask me, the government is partly responsible. They're partly responsible for labeling the files, top secret. Yeah, because think about it.

Nobody wants to read boxes of government documents, but if it says top secret on it, now everyone's interested. It's the same way you don't label your porn folder, porn. All right, the government way you don't label your porn folder, porn. All right? The government should do what we do. Just put secrets in a folder called Taxes 2012 to 2017. Yeah, I've done that my whole life. My only screw up was I did this when I was 12 years old,

and then my mother was like, what taxes are you paying when you're 12? And then she busted me for porn and tax evasion. Anyway, the point is, no matter what they labeled, Donald Trump wasn't supposed to have these documents at his house. And in case you're wondering, why these documents are top, top, top secret will hold on to your butts, because what Trump took home could blow them right off. The Washington Post has reported that is the highest level.

It does not get any more serious than that. Some of this could be information about adversaries. Some of this could be about nuclear weapon design. Some of this could be about our nuclear arsenals or our launch procedures. Are you shilling me? Donald Trump might have kept the world's nuclear secrets in his basement at Marilago? The same place Rudy Giuliani sleeps to avoid the sunlight? That is so irresponsible! Because you realize the worst case scenario with these documents is that Trump sold them to like Saudi Arabia. The best case scenario is that he just lay in bed with them and rubbed him all over

his naked body. Actually not, I'm going to flip that. The worst case scenario is that he rubbed them naked on his body. Hopefully he just sold them to the Saudis, hopefully, hopefully. And by the way, just today, to to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to add to to to to add to add to to to to to to to to to to to to. to. to. to, to, to, to, to, to, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the same. the the the same. the the the to the same. to to to to to to to to to to to the the way, just today, to add to this whole saga, Trump posted that, in the raid by the FBI of Maralago, they stole my three passports. One expired, along with everything else. And I can see why Trump is pissed if they took his passports. I mean, he's the guy who wanted to build the wall.

And now he's gonna need guy who wanted to build the wall, and now he's going to need to sneak into Mexico, come as a bitch. He's just... Also, why does Donald Trump even need a passport? There is no one on earth that looks or sounds like this man. No one. He could land on a distant planet, and the aliens there would be a prerbubed tr. We've seen TV, welcome Donald Trump.

He's be like, thank you now, please take me to your three-boved woman. And by the way, you do realize there's a 15% chance Trump just misplaced his passport, right? It's possible. It happens all the time. You think the FBI tooks the FBI the FBI the FBI the FBI took something and you find it in your sock drawer. Yeah, like for all you know, maybe Melania moved them. You know, it's like, oh no, I guess now I have to go back to Slovenia by myself. Bye, Donald. Bye.

You know, you know what's been the most fun in all of this? Is how Trump and the red caps are working so hard to invent new excuses for why this crime wasn't a crime. Because you remember when the story first broke, right, they were saying things like, there's nothing at Marilago except a bunch of notes from Eric and if they did find something the FBI must have planted it. Well, forget all of it. That's like two days ago.

They've got a fresh shipment of of of ofoday, starting with, it was homework. The former president is offering a new line of defense for taking these documents to his Marlaga home. A statement released by Trump's office Friday night contends that everyone takes work home sometimes. Yeah, no, no, you know what, that's true. Everyone does take work home sometimes. But not Donald Trump, the man barely took work to work. And also, by the way, it's not taking work home with you if you no longer have the job. All right? Can we agree on that? All right? You don't have the job. You can't take work home with you.

Like, if you get fired from your babysitting job, but you still go pick up the kid from school, that's just kidnapping. But if you don't like that excuse, that's fine, that's fine. Trump's got another one. Like, how about Obama? President Trump has been making the baseless and false claim that former President Obama took more than 30 million classified documents when he left the White House.

Donald Trump tweeted that President Barack Hussein Obama kept 33 million pages of documents. Much of them classified. How many of them pertain to nuclear? Word is, lots. All right. Okay. First of all, this is just completely made up. In fact, the National Archives came out and said it is not true.

But also, for the sake of the argument, let's say it was true. These people are the same people who have spent 15 years saying Obama is basically the devil. But then when they get into trouble, they're like, it's fine, we just did the same thing as the devil! And also did you pick up that Barack Hussein Obama? That was a nice little touch, yeah? Just to remind the people who he really is. I know what Trump is doing. He's trying to drum up all Islamophobia, but everybody knows that that's Barack's middle name. It doesn't sound nefarious anymore. You know? It just sounds like you're his mom. Barack Hussein, Obama, you get down here and clean up this mess right now!

I'm coming, mom. But... But... But... But... If you don't like that, excuse, it's cool, baby. It's got another one for you. It's about how he declassified these documents in his mind.

And a new defense emerged overnight from a conservative journalist tied to Trump, who read a statement from the former president's office. He had a standing order that documents removed from the Oval Office and taken to the residents were deemed to be declassified the moment he removed them. Oh, that's an interesting excuse. Anything Trump took home with him was automatically the thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaauia. the moment, he removed them. Oh, that's an interesting excuse. Anything Trump took home with him was automatically declassified because he had a standing order. It's also super convenient that no one has ever heard about this rule until he got busted for having top-secret documents at his house, but whatever.

I've actually heard this defense before. Usually it's when people get busted for having an affair, you know. They'll be like, no, actually, I didn't cheat on you. I'd already broken up with you in my mind on the way to their house. And then on the way home, I decided to give us another chance. Come here, baby, I forgive you. I forgive you. So there you have it. brand new fresh excuses. Oh, what? Oh, that's not enough for you?

Oh, you're particular. Okay, I see you. Then maybe what you need is a little bit of this. NBC has a piece out. Quoting sources that say the chaotic nature of Donald Trump's exit from the White House contributed to sensitive documents being taken to Marlago. Then there were reports that Trump packed in a rush. Quote, when it finally dawned on Donald Trump and the twilight of his presidency that he wouldn't be living at the White House for another four years, he had a problem.

He had barely packed and had to move out quickly. Oh my God. Oh, this is the greatest excuse of all time. Trump's people are saying because he didn't think he was leaving the White House, he packed in a hurry when he left, yeah, yeah, he was so busy planning the coup. He didn't even think about packing, is that what happened? It's like, guys, I wasn't trying to steal these documents. I was trying to steal the White House. It makes no sense. Hello. Scotland has just become the first country in the world to make tampons and pads free to anyone who needs them. Yeah. That's amazing. Period. Products will now be given away in pharmacies and other public buildings. Not to mention, there are sheep everywhere in Scotland, and those are pretty much just

walking tampons, so this is working out. Meanwhile, America will continue its policy, which is that women are welcome to steal all the extra napkins at Starbucks that they need. Moving on to some other international news, Australia has learned that its former prime minister had secretly appointed himself to five other government positions without telling anyone. This is such a strange story. Yeah, because this is one of those scandals that's like, is this a scandal? No, because I'm outraged, but I'm also kind of impressed.

Apologist chose to do extra work and not tell anyone. How dare you? And also, I'm voting for you again. But for real, though, that's not how government works. All right? You can't just give yourself a job. You have to earn it by having your dad give you the job. Come on.

There's politics here. In sports news, the NBA, the NBA has announced that for the first time ever they will not be playing any games on election day and instead will encourage their fans to go and vote. Yeah, I think that's really good. I will say though not to sound cynical, but if the Timberwolves game is what was keeping you from voting maybe yeah I think since there's no games on that night the ESP and commentators they should cover voting like they cover the NBA just make it super interesting he's just be like Jeremy Wilkins

coming up to the voting booth now it's his first season voting he's really oh no he called it outside the bubble that's gonna that's not gonna the the the the ref I the ref I the ref I the ref I the ref I the ref I the ref I the ref. let's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. let's th. th. Let's the the the th. Let's th. I's just to be to be to be to be to be just to be just. I's just to be just. I I's just to be just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. the to be. the the the the the the the the, he called it outside the bubble, that's not going to scan! The refs are not going to like it at all! Let's see the replay on that one, John. So this is big, NBA, and they've told all the teams, they've said, hey, all the teams in the NBA, you will not be playing basketball on election. their basketball on elections, tho, th. And, th. And, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. the th. th. the thi. thi. the the thi. the, the, thi. thi. the the thi, thi, the thi, the refa, the refa, the refs, th. th. th. th. the ref. the ref. the ref. th. the ref. the ref. the ref. the ref. the ref. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the. the. the. the. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. the the thea. thea. R. th here's some weird celebrity news. Snoop Dog is launching a breakfast cereal for kids called Snoop Loops. Yeah. And you know the cereal is going to be delicious. Yeah, because no one knows good cereal like someone who's permanently high. No one. Also it's about time we got a chill cereal mascot, you know, I like this. Every cereal mascot is high energy, they don't like coke down.

Now we have one who does not give a damn whether or not we eat his cereal. You know, just like, try it today or don't. I get paid either way, do you ever think about how Snoop has had one of the most amazing careers of all time? Like, this is fantastic, but you have to admit he's really screwed over all the people who started loving him for his rap. You know, I'm glad he's had such a broad career. But you realize there are now parents who are telling their kids, they're like,

my favorite gangster rapper, Snoop Dog, and their kids are like, the cereal guy? Martha Stewart's friend? I've thought you were cool, dad. Anyway, let's move on to the big story of the day. And it's about climate change. The reason why hot in here is now considered a scientific study. Yes, all over the world, governments are st sta, governments are governments are governments are governments are governments are governments are governments are governments are governments are governments are the world, governments are steadily taking action to reduce their carbon emissions.

In fact, just today, President Biden signed the biggest climate change law in American history. Yes, it does everything. It subsidizes electric cars, it funds wind and solar energy, and it changes the name of summer to extra spring. Hopefully, Mother Nature falls for that one. And the reason leaders worldwide have taken these steps is because every day we're seeing the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. P. thi. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. President, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thiiiii, thiii. President, thiii. President, thiii. President, thi. President, thi. President, thi. President, thi. President, thi. President, thi. President, thi. President, thii. President, thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.s.S. President, thiiiiiiiiiiii. President, thii. President, thi. President, thi. President, th spring. Hopefully, Mother Nature falls for that one. And the reason leaders worldwide have taken these steps is because every day we're seeing what the world could look like if climate change gets out of hand. I mean, just look at what's happening

in Vegas. You know, Las Vegas, yeah? The city, surrounded by deserts that are filled with buried mobsters, that place. Well, some of those bodies, oh, they're about to come floating back to life. Las Vegas is getting pounded with historic flooding in the wettest monsoon season they've seen in a decade. It's hard to tell this is the famous Las Vegas Strip, but that's Caesar's Palace right there and that is the mirage. It's raining inside Planet Hollywood pouring through the casino light fixtures. Also right underneath the high roller ferris wheel. The Las Vegas Strip has been swept by flash flooding. This rain coming down so fast so

heavy. This is video from Las Vegas and a parking garage. It's a downpour right onto the gambling tables. They can see that car struggling to get through the water on a street. Yes that is a man floating down the Vegas strip because of the flash flood waters. That guy's a legend. He's just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi- thi- the the the the Vegas strip because of the flesh flood waters. That guy's a legend. He's just like, yeah! But you see that? Las Vegas, of all places, is getting flooded. And you know who I blame for this?

All the bachelor parties going to those strip clubs being like, make it rain! Look at what you did! I hope you're happy it rained. It rained too much. And if there's one thing we can all agree on people, it's that we don't want casinos to flood. All right? Because can you imagine how hard it's going to be to evacuate those gamblers? Ah! The water level is rising, guys, we're going to be drowned any minute! Which is just enough time for a couple more rules! Come on, baby! Come on!

Daddy could use some arm floties! Come on! So yes, Las Vegas has been wetter than a butt crack at Soul Cycle, but it's not just Vegas. We've seen historic floods recently in St. Louis in Yellowstone in Kentucky, and this is the thing to remember about climate change. It's not just going to make everything a little bit hotter, right? It's going to make all weather more extreme.

The hot will get hotter, the wet will get wetter, the wet will get wetter, the wet will like swap places with the dry, yeah, and then you're gonna think that you're talking to hot, but then the hot will pull of its mask and it'll be like, I'm cold and you'll be like, ah, but we slept together! It's basically science. And you're wondering, you're like, ah, it's a bit of flooding, is it that bad? Well, over in California, things could get even worse than you think. Now to the new warning on climate change. Experts say it's only a matter of time before a mega flood hits California, displacing millions of people. A new study shows that climate change is increasing the likelihood of a cataclysmic flood hitting in the next 50 years.

The flood could turn California's lowlands into an inland sea, putting parts of cities such as Sacramento, Fresno, and Los Angeles underwater. It happened in Sacramento in 1861. This is incredible. I really didn't know much about this. Only 500,000 people lived in the Central Valley. Today it's 37 million. 30 feet of water in all of Central Valley for weeks. It rained for 43 days, the equivalent of a trillion dollars in today's damage. They say the next one would probably be like a Katrina times five. Oh my God, Katrina times five. That's like three hundred, three, fifty, three, six. You carry the K, then the point is it's bad. And we can't lose Los Angeles.

And that's where America keeps all of its hot people, you know? Also, no offense, but if I'm caught in a mega flood, the lost place and lost people I want to be around, is a bunch of LA actors. Can you imagine them? It's going to be like, ah, the flood is wiping away Los Angeles! Okay, I'm gonna try it again, but a little more introspective. The flood is wiping away Los Angeles, and I never knew my father. Blah blah blah.

Now, if you're thinking, who cares if America's underwater? I'll just escape to Europe. Well, be my guest. Because you're gonna miss the wet when you're thinking, who cares if America's underwater? I'll just escape to Europe. Well, be my guest. Because you're going to miss the wet when you get there. In the midst of a historic drought, Europe's rivers are running dry. In Germany, the Rhine has dropped so low, some cargo ships can no longer use it, with devastating effects for Germany's economy.

In France, some parts of the Loire can now be crossed on foot. And in the Czech Republic, low water levels have revealed so-called hunger stones, rocks carved centuries ago to give future generations a warning of impending famine. One such stone carried a chilling message from the early 1600s. If you can see me, weep. Yeah. Yeah, you hear that? Right now, Europe's drought is so bad that you can walk across some rivers, which isn't just bad for the economy and the environment.

It also puts people like Moses out of a job. Yeah, so I'll be like, and now I will part the waters that you may cry. Yeah, whatever, man, climate change did this for us. Ah, get out of the way. I also don't know about you, but that hunger, shrieked me out. If you see me weep? That's dramatic. I didn't even know they had emo in the 1600s. At the same time, though, you've got to wonder about the person who decided to make these stones.

No, because think about it, the whole population was starving, right? You've got one guy's like, I'll venture out to find more food. Another guy's like, I will ration our current stores. And there's one dude who's like, give me a hammer and a chisel. I'm gonna write a warning to people 500 years from now. Yeah, this is gonna be a good one. When they see, when the waterthose hunger stones are that poetic. Yeah. That one's really like cryptic.

It has a vibe. Some of those hunger stonnesons, they just tell you direct. Oh shit, you guys are screw! You see my face? That means you're gonna die. Okay, your offense in order everybody. You gonna die, and you gonna die. Oh, you already look dead, brother, you already die. By the way, if somebody sees Stonehands,

you tell him he ain't shit. That do-do's me 20 bucks, bullshit-ass, Stone. Ha ha, y'all dead. The FDA has ruled that hearing aids can now be sold over the counter without a prescription, making them easier and cheaper for people to get. That's amazing. Yeah. And you know, it's crazy that you ever needed a prescription for a hearing aid.

Why? It's not like you can abuse them. It's not like the drug dealers in the street going, yo, yo, yo. You want someone that extra loud? Meanwhile, in travel news, American Airlines has announced that they will be buying 20 supersonic jets that will be able to get passengers to their destination twice as fast as current airplanes. Yeah. And while that's great, it also means the annoying guy who's sitting next year on the plane is going to have to talk twice as fast now. It's going to be like, so yeah, you fly often, you're going on vacation, is the work thing?

I just check a bag, you're checking a bag, where are you from? Yeah, first time you're playing, seeing the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, it's got to be great. And we're here. Also, in, I'm going to call it, I'm going, I'm going to call it, to call it, to call it, to call a ca, to call a cullin. a new menu item called Papa Bowls, which are bowls full of pizza toppings without the crust. And I just want to say, congratulations, America, you did it. You finally found the opposite of a salad.

Well done. Congratulations. But let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day, starting with the 2022 midterms. Last night, the primary that everyone was watching was in Wyoming. The state with a population almost as big as a New York subway car. Now, the reason everyone was watching this race is because Liz Cheney was running for re-election.

And of course, Liz Cheney has been the most prominent anti-Trump Republican in Congress. She voted to impeach him. She's led the committee investigating him. Basically, she just will not stop talking about that one time he tried to overthrow the American democracy. That was like a million years ago, Lady, move on. So anyway. Last night's primary was the chance for Wyoming Republicans to declare whether they stood with Liz Cheney or with, or the the the th the the th Trump, or the the the Trump, or the Trump, or the Trump, or the Trump, or the chance for Wyoming Republicans to declare whether they stood with Liz Cheney or with Donald Trump. And they answered bigly. Overnight out of Wyoming, a clear message from that state about the direction of the Republican

Party. Congresswoman Liz Cheney, who was re-elected easily less than two years ago lost badly last night in her primary fight against her Trump-backed challenger Harriet Hageman. Cheney's landslide loss was no surprise. She knew she'd pay a price for voting to impeach Donald Trump and in serving as the vice chair of the January 6th committee. Overnight the former president writing Liz Cheney should be ashamed of herself. Now she can finally disappear into the depths of political oblivion. Okay, okay. First of all, there's no way that Trump wrote that. Disappear into the depths of political oblivion? Really?

This is the same guy who said, I don't like saying yesterday. It's a hard word for me. Yesterday? Really? Really? Really? That's not him. You know, if I was to bet, he probably has some guy who just fancies up his words for him. You know, he's like, I want to say something like Liz Cheney go bye-bye now. He's like, okay, how about disappear into the depths of political oblivion?

It's like, that one is goodly, maybe the best is, I like it. And look, say what you want, say what you want about Liz Cheney. But you have to respect how she stood up against Trump, even when she knew she was going to get blown out of her seat. And yes, it is saying something about the state of the GOP that the brave stance was don't hang the vice president, but still, she stood by it. And this Cheney isn't the only Republican who fell on her sword. Remember, there were only 10 Republicans in the House who voted to impeach Donald Trump.

Out of those 10, four lost their primaries to a Trump challenger and four retired so that they wouldn't lose to a Trump challenger. Because right now, any Republican who opposes Trump, he'll flush the asses away like one of those top-secret documents. He doesn't play games. But the Liz Cheney story isn't over yet, because she's vowed that she will still do anything to stop Trump from becoming president again, even possibly running against him in the Republican primary. Yeah. And look, I mean, we must admit, it probably is a long shot.

But don't forget, she is a chain. If there's one thing they're committed to, it's regime change. And to be honest, if she wants to stop Trump, she doesn't have to beat him in a presidential race, you know, just put a bunch of Reese's pieces in a line of cliff. You know know, and he'll be like, and this one, and this one, and this one? And this one, ah! But let's move on from Donald Trump to another plague America can't get rid of. The coronavirus pandemic. Last week, the CDC announced that, quote, COVID-19 is here to stay.

Yes, which sounds less like a public health announcement and more like something your mom says about your new stepdad. I love Jerry so whether you like it or not he's the new man of this house okay I look Jerry don't eat that that's cat food honey come on. Now because of this and because fewer people are dying or being hospitalized from the disease the US is dropping some of the the the the US is the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the the the the th. the public the public th. th. the the the the the the the the public the public the public the public the public the public the the the the the the the the the the public the public the the public the public the the the public the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the fewer people are dying or being hospitalized from the disease, the U.S. is dropping some of the big restrictions that we've all gotten used to over the last two years. So no more quarantining if you've been exposed to the virus, no more testing at schools,

no more six feet apart social distancing, and we can go back to washing our hands just after number two's. Yeah. So basically, the new the new the new the new the new the new the new thee- the-ce-s the-s thii-s thi-s thi-s thi-s thi-s thi-s thi-s thi-s thi-s the-s is just thecke-s is just thi-s is just theaseasease-s is the, the, the, the, the, the, thease is is thease is thease is the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thiiiiiiii-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-s, thi-i-s, thi-s, thi-s, thi-s. I's thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-s. I just after number two's. Yeah. So basically the new CDC guidance is just looking at what everyone was already doing and just going like yeah yeah just do that we don't care anymore we don't care. But if the US has decided to live with COVID the situation is very different in China because they're still doing lockdowns at the drop of the hats and it is not always going over very well. Chaos and panic at an IKEA in Shanghai, China. This is video from an IKEA store on Saturday.

After it was announced, the store was going into lockdown. A customer had tested positive, so workers tried to put the entire building on quarantine. Customers rushed for the exit to try and lead before the doors closed. Those who could not get out were taken to a quarantine hotel for several days. China has the strictest COVID rules in the world. They've locked down entire cities over just a few positive cases. God damn, did you see that? Look like a reverse Black Friday. And I don't blame those people. Like no one should have to spend one minute longer than necessary in an IKEA, okay?

Can you imagine finally finding the exit just as the doors close? You're like, no! I just wanted to buy the Schmierge Lord! And that really shows you the different approaches countries can take to the pandemic, because China has shown that you can basically prevent all COVID deaths. But every now and then, you might th, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might th, you might th th th th th th to the pandemic because China has shown that you can basically prevent all COVID deaths but every now and then you might get locked into an IKEA for a week with no warning and then America's looking at that like okay how bad is death really I mean although honestly if you have to quarantine for a week isn't like here

isn't like here the best place to be I mean they've got fully done bedrooms living rooms bathrooms yeah they say you can't poop in the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to. to. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. But tho th. But th. But th. But th. But th. But th. But th. But th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the which the which the which the which the which the which the which the which the which the which the which the which the which the which the which the which the which isn't like here the best place to be? I mean, they've got fully done bedrooms, living rooms, bathrooms. Yeah, they say you can't poop in the toilets, but you can. You know, I have. Anyway, let's talk about jobs. They're how we trade time for money, like witches. Almost everyone has to work. But let's be honest, there's working and then there's working, right? As more and more people are discovering.

We begin with young workers refusing to go the extra mile. They're embracing a trend. They're calling quiet quitting. They stay on the job. They continue to get paid, but they're only willing to do the bare minimum. So you look at these videos on TickToc and YouTube of people who are celebrating their lack of enthusiasm for their job. They're just going to mail it in. They're just going to do exactly what they're supposed to do and not go above and beyond the descriptions of the job.

Some of these videos are people who are like literally turning off the phone at 5 p.m. The work phone at 5 p.m. not answering email after 5 p.m. Not doing anything above and beyond the 9-to-5 of the job and saying that's good because I don't need to work for the man you know and not have any kind of a balance in my own life. Yeah that's right people are quiet quitting. They're just going to their jobs and then just doing the job from from nine to five and and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold hold that's that's that's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I I the th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tho. up that's just working that's work you realize that's work you don't have to do the more it's work people in this country are so obsessed with work guys your job is just the place you go to avoid seeing your family all right it doesn't need to be the most important part of your existence if your job is from nine to five that mean

the work messages should stop at 5 2. Yeah, that's right. Any message you get off to 5 is basically a booty call. If your boss texts you at like 745 to see if you filed an expense report, it should start with, hey, you up? Bottom line, you need to establish your work-life balance. So remember, if you hate your job, make sure you also hate your life. Right? No, that doesn't work. But if you're thinking of quiet quitting, please keep in mind that clocking out for the day at five on the dot

might be okay for office work, but it's not something you can do for every job. All right, buddy. All right, don't do anything drastic, okay? We're gonna work this out. We're gonna work this out together. You and me, just as long as you left the hostage... Oh, shit, hold on, it's, it's family clock. Oh, man.

All right, listen, you guys, you guys, you guys stay, you guys gonna stick around? All right, if you guys are back here on Monday, we'll pick it up at 9 a.m. Oh man, that's crazy. Why we do it, we're gonna do the bar? We're gonna do this thing, yeah? Let's kick things off with the census. Let's kick things off with the first two years of the pandemic saying, ah, we're all going to get COVID! And the last six months, like, ah, we're all going to get COVID.

Chill. And if you're one of those people who thinks the CDC has handled the pandemic badly, well, it turns out the CDC agrees with you. This morning, the CDC director promising a major overhaul after a scathing internally initiated review found the agency repeatedly botched its response to the pandemic. In a statement Dr. Rochelle Welensky putting it bluntly, our performance did not reliably meet expectations. Welensky herself calling for that review it found the CDC's recommendations throughout the crisis from masking to vaccines confusing and overwhelming. Uh oh I guess the CDC finally checked their Twitter mentions.

But she's right, the CDC rarely dropped the bowl. People depended on them for clear advice, and when they didn't get it, they started looking elsewhere for answers. I mean, say what you want about, GOOP. Their advice was consistent. I mean, yes, the advice was to buy a $4,000 crystal butt plug, but it was consistent. Meanwhile, the CDC was all over the place. They said, don't wear masks, but they said, no, do wear masks, but don't because we need them. Okay, now you can wear masks, any mask, even cloth.

Wait, cloth is the worst. What are you doing? Now you got COVID. days, no 10 days, no two days. The point is trust the science. Now, if we had more time, we could talk about whether or not the CDC learned the right lessons from COVID to prevent the next outbreak. Well, not the next outbreak, because the next outbreak is monkeypox and they're already missing that up, but the one after that. But we just don't have the time for that. Because while the CDC is struggling with multiple outbreaks outbreaks outbreaks. toaaaa. toee. toe. to, the, to, to, the, to, the, to, the, and, the, and, and, and, and, and, the, the, the, the, and, the, the, the, the, the, thi, thi, the, the, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, and, is, is, is, is, and, is, is, is, is, is, and, is, their, their, their, toge.a.a.a.a.a.a. their, their, their, their, is their, is their, is, is, is, is, the time for that because while the CDC is struggling with multiple outbreaks, the Trump organization is overrun with an outbreak of crime. Now to breaking news, Alan Weisselberg, the Trump Organization chief financial officer pleaded guilty today to a wide-ranging tax scheme. As part of the deal, he'll need to testify against the Trump organization in the

coming months. The company is accused of helping helping Wiesellurks avoid income taxes by failing to accurately report their full compensation. Yeah, that's right. Trump's number two guy for the last 40 years has pled guilty to tax fraud. And can we just take a moment to appreciate how many people associated with Donald Trump have ended up in prison? His lawyer, his campaign manager, his deputy campaign chairman, now the chief financial officer of his organization. Usually, you've to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the to their to their to their their to their to their their their th. I th. I've th. I' their thi, thiui. I' th. I' tr. I' tr. I' tr. I' trueueueueueue, true, true, true, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, true, Trump, Trump, true, Trump, true, trueueueue, trueue, tr, their, their, their, their, their their their their their their their their their their their true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true.. I'm to run a drug cartel to have this many friends doing hard time. Because at this point it's basically El Chapel and Donald Trump, that's it.

You know what they actually need to do? They need to send all these Trump felons to school assemblies to scare kids away from Trump. You'd be like, you think hanging out with the 45th president is cool? That's th. th.'m drinking wine out of a toilet. That's my state of the union, kids! Now, I know what you're thinking right now. You're wondering to yourself, surely if Trump's second in command was committing financial crimes with Trump's company, then Trump must also be involving these crimes. Well, actually, no. Because apparently, the story is that he had no idea what was happening in his organization at all levels for decades. He had no clue. And that, my friends, is the kind of leadership that makes him fit to be the next president

of the United States. Truly powerful. No clue at all. Now, look, if we had more time, we could talk about how Trump pretends to be the candidates of law and order. Meanwhile his friends can fill up an entire prison wing, but we just don't have the time for that. Because while Trump world is at war with the law, some of the music's biggest legends are

at war over Christmas. Mariah Carey does not want a lot for Christmas. There's just one thing she says she needs. A trademark for the title Queen of Christmas. Now Carrie is seeking to solidify her brand with a legal filing that would give her exclusive rights to use the title on everything from clothes to alcohol, dog products and more. But not everyone agrees she deserves it. Singer Darlene Love fighting back. The songstress known for her hit Christmas Baby Please Come Home, which she performed annually on the David Letterman show as a holiday tradition. Telling ABC News in a statement, I adore Mariah Carey as an artist and songwriter, but

Queen of Christmas should not be exclusive to anyone except for Mary, Mother of Jesus. Yeah, that's right. The real Queen of Christmas is Mary, mother of Jesus. She should get the trademark to sell alcohol and dog toys. It's about time. It's about time Mary got some of the financial benefit. The only thing she got out of this whole thing were gifts from those three wise men. One of those gifts was was murr? What the hell is that all about? Oh I just gave birth in a barn, but yeah, thanks for the murr, real helpful. Yeah, when I was in labor with the son of God, the whole time I was thinking, oh I could really use some murr right about now. Feeh-an idiot. Get out of here. Gold guy, you can stay. Stay with the gold. By the way, by the way, by the way, I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thld us that all she wants for Christmas is me. But now she also wants trademarks?

Which is it, Mariah? Next, you're going to tell me that I won't always be your baby? Do you do, da? Now look, if we had more time, we could talk about whether anyone should have the right to trademark anything about Christmas, or we could talk about how the commercialization of Christmas has taken us away from the true meaning of the holiday, which is giving a jolly old man diabetes. But we just don't have the time for that. Because over in Russia, Vladimir Putin, the exact opposite of Santa, is handing out gifts

of his own. Russia's population has been rapidly declining, th is taking action. This week, he announced the revival of the Soviet-era mother heroin award. Any Russian woman who gives birth to 10 children will be given a one-time payment of 1 million rubles or $16,500 dollars. Wow! $16,000 dollars and all you have to do is have $4 million worth of kids? It's a steal! Look at you, Vlad!

Wow! Huh? You hear that Russian ladies? You get 16 grand for 10 kids, Vladmir Putin making it drizzle, huh? This makes no sense. $16,000 for you to buy a plane ticket to escape to a life without all those damn children. And I know right now you're probably thinking, but Trevor, it's Russia.

They can store the 10th kid. Thever, it's Russia. They can store the 10th kid. That's not how kids work, you're going to spend your whole life wondering if your parents really wanted you or if they just wanted a smart fridge? Listen, Putin! You don't need to go to these lengths. There's an easier way to repopulate your country, all right? Just give Nick Cannon citizenship. Problem solved. Done. Spassibia. Now, if we have the time, we could talk about whether it's even a good idea to stuff more people into a planet that's already that's a porta party at Coachella, but we just don't have the time because while Russia's leader is trying to pump up his population, Finland's leader is getting in trouble for try to pump up the jam.

The Prime Minister of Finland, Sunnarin, has faced backlash after a leaked video show her partying. She's faced criticism from opposition parties with one leader demanding she take a drugs test. Ms. Marin denied taking drugs and said she only drank alcohol. Okay, okay. I know that clip is extremely confusing for Americans, so let me try and explain. Some countries have leaders who don't have osteoporosis. Yeah. And they party.

You see? And I know it may seem different or weird, but we should be respectful of their cultures. Now as for the story itself, I don't think the leader of Finland did anything that any other leader in the world hasn't done. Almost every other leader in the world drinks and parties. The only difference is they're not young enough to have friends

who know how to use a phone, all right? Have you seen old people when they try and use a camera? They always look like they've discovered an ancient artifact and they're trying to decipher what the hieroglyphs mean? They're just like, ah, okay, what's, let's go? Oh, wait, wait, your friend Uber sent you a message, yeah. Because you realize this is just this is just this is just thiiiiiiiiiiiii, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their thi, their their, their, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. thi, their, thi, th. th. th. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their, their. They's their, their. They's th. They's their, their, their, th. They's th. They's their, thi. They's thi. thr. thr. thr. t. try. try. tm. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. t generations use technology. They're going to get older. And one day, they're going to come into power. So it's only a matter of time before we're in a world where, like, a world war starts because some leader DM the dick pick, you know? It's just going to be like, what?

They sent their fleshed ask me, Finland should be grateful. Finland should be grateful for the scandals that they have. Imagine them telling other countries about their problems. America, you won't believe it. Our prime minister was caught dancing. It's terrible. America's like, yeah, yeah, I gotta go. We're about to raid the former president's hotel to get back out nuclear codes. But good luck with that. We've got to go gothe former president's hotel to get back out nuclear codes. But good luck with that. Good luck with that. We gotta go.

Gotta go. Now, if we had more time, we could talk more about how the criticism of Sanar Marin really really just seems to be how dare you spend your leisure time doing something young women enjoy rather than doing things older men enjoy like hunting or smoking cigars or watching TV with one hand in your pants for some reason. You know, dignified things, but ain't nobody got time for them. I want to tell you all about a brand new way to relive the magic of the January 6 insurrection. Using an app called VoiceMap, the Daily Show has created a self-guided audio tour of Washington, D.C. called in the footsteps of the freedom surrection. So if you're in DC, VoiceMap uses GPS to automatically play audio

when you get to each site on the walking tour, starting at the White House and marching all the way to the Capitol. Or you can just listen to the whole thing at home if you're lazy. So go to Daily Show. to January 6th to find out more. You can listen to the tour on voice tour tour tour tour tour tour tour iOS or Android and search for Washington DC to find the tour. The Daily Show with Trevor Noah Ears Edition.

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