The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories - Trump's Anti-Immigrant Policy, Biden's Diverse Cabinet & Drake's Candles

Episode Date: December 5, 2020

President Trump pushes a harsh immigration policy during his final weeks in office, Joe Biden builds a diverse White House cabinet, and Drake releases a line of candles that smell like him. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News.

Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. Throughout his presidency, one of Trump's signature issues has been cracking down on immigration. Whether it's building a wall, ending darker, throwing out Jared's Shakira CDs, or renaming San Antonio, St. Tony. And now, Trump is spending his last weeks, making it much harder for legal immigrants to become citizens. Behind the scenes, beneath the surface, this administration is rushing to complete a series of tasks as the president's term winds down, cementing a number of immigration

actions like making the citizenship test harder for people who are trying to become American citizens. Immigrants hoping to become US citizens will have to answer more questions about American history and politics. Immigration services says it's expanding the naturalization civics test adding more questions and topics. Starting December 1st, applicants will have to answer 10 more oral questions, a total of 20. The civics test is one of the final steps to becoming a U.S. citizen. Okay, okay, hold on guys. This isn't fair. How's Trump going to create a citizenship test that even he himself couldn't pass? He may as well make immigrants do a pull-up.

But if Trump is going to expand the civics test, I think it's only fair to let applicants answer the questions the way he answers the questions. To become a citizen, you need to answer this question. What did the Stamp Act of 1765 Institute? Yo, that's a good question, man, because nobody knows the stamp pack better than me. So many stamps. Some say the greatest stamp act there ever was, really, if you think about it, but we're looking very strongly into it, and I'll have more to tell you in two weeks, essay. Uh, I guess you're in?

What's worse? Is that it's going to be even harder to study for this test now that so many Confederate statues have been taken down. Oh, what have we done? There's no other way to study US history. I do have one question, though. Are we sure that making the citizenship test harder was Trump's idea? Because I don't know. Maybe it was Melania's. I'm sorry, Donald. They say I have to go back to my country because I don't know enough to be US citizen. I don't understand Millennia. You answered all the questions.

Ah, they just added new questions so much harder. Okay, bye now, bye-bye. And if you think Trump is being hard on immigrants, just wait until you see what he's trying to do to prisoners. And federal execution policy also seeing some significant last minute changes here, the Justice Department creating new regulations allowing for the use of more methods for federal executions including firing squad and electrocution. That's right people. Trump is expanding the ways the federal government can execute someone. You know, there's old ones coming back like the firing squad and the electric chair and the new ones, like getting in the ring with Jake Paul. And look, I don't know about you guys. But, but, but, but, but, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th the th the th thi thi thi thu thuas, the the the the the thuathea the the the the thoes tho- tho- the the the the the the the the, the, the, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the-a the-a thean thean thean. thean thean thean. thean thean thean thean thean. theauu. thea. th firing squad and the electric chair and the new ones, like getting in the ring with Jake Paul.

And look, I don't know about you guys, but honestly, I would prefer being executed by firing squad than a lethal injection. I mean, first of all, there's always the chance that I'll get saved by Zorro, and second, a firing squad requires a lot more people, so I'm creating jobs for the economy. Also if you are the firing a firing a firing a firing a firing a firing a firing a firing a firing a firing a firing squad a firing squad a firing squad a firing a firing a firing a firing squad a firing, a firing, a firing, a firing, a firing, a firing, a thii. A fire, a thi, a thi, a thi, a thi, a thi, a thi, a thi, a thi, thi, thi, th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. Wea, th. Wea, th. A, th. A, th. A, th. A, th. A, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. A, th. A, th. A, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. A. thi. thi. thriiiiii. thrii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th economy. Also, if you are going to have executions, a firing squad is just a lot more badass. You know, you get to wear blindfold, you get that cigarette, come on guys, do your worst. Whereas with lethal injections, it's like, oh man, I've got to go to the doctor and then die? And by the way, one thingthey need eight people to shoot at you? This is America. One person can kill 30 people in a minute with a gun.

You don't need eight people to kill one person. Now, what's really interesting is that Donald Trump isn't the only one who's trying to go big before he goes home. Many of his international allies know that when Joe Biden steps into the White House, they won't have as much leeway th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the theateateateateateate the theat, theat, theat, the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the into the White House, they won't have as much leeway to do whatever they want, which is probably why Israel decided that now is as good a time as any to take their shots. This morning, mystery surrounding the assassination of Iran's top nuclear scientist.

An Iranian official now saying Israel used electronic devices to kill Mosin Fajarzadi remotely. Reportedly been traveling with his wife in this bulletproof car, you see, when he heard gunfire and got out of the car to check out what happened. And that's when reports say that a machine gun apparently operated by remote control attached to a Nissan pickup truck gunned him down. That Nissan, apparently, then exploding in what Iranian media claims was a self-destruct function. God damn! Remote-controlled machine guns?

Self-destruct buttons? We thought the new James Bond movie was delayed. It turns out that shit was playing out in real life. It almost feels like Israel is getting its assassination ideas from video games. Soon Iran scientists are going to start getting killed by Kirby. They even had that Nissan self-destruct. Which by the way is a terrible ad for Nissan. We need a car to use once, then blow up. So we'll take the Nissan. Although if I'm perfectly honest, I don't know if I believe every part of the story right now. Because like I struggle to understand the concept of a nuclear scientist getting out of a bulletproof car to check out where the bullets the bullets the bullets the bullets the bullets the understand the concept of a nuclear scientist getting out of a bulletproof car

To check out where the bullets were coming from. Why would he do that? He's a nuclear scientist Like some guy who eats paint for a living. Also, I think there's a broader takeaway for us to learn here Which is that you only want to be your country's second most important nuclear scientist So remember kids study hard, but not too hard now Now, it turns out that this assassination may have been illegal, but it was also a very slick move diplomatically, because Israel knows that Joe Biden wants to bring Iran back into the world, but killing their top scientists, he's going to make that a lot harder. Because now Iran is going to want revenge, right? And then Joe Biden is trying to make peace. He's going to come on like, oh, come on, guys, come on, come on, the tell.

Come on, Iran. What do you say? We deserve revenge, Joe Biden. Wouldn't you want revenge for whoever did that to your ankle? No, man, this was done by a dog. Yes, the man who did this this thi thi thi is thi is thi is thi country to just pump the brakes, I don't think this kind of thing is going to stop with Israel. I think in the next two months, you're going to see all of Trump's friends trying to cram

in as much as they can before he leaves office. Vladamirita Putin might just invade all of Ukraine. Saudi Arabia could execute everyone else at the thanks, that-un, he's going to be the worst. He's going to take advantage of everyone being distracted and finally get those bangs that he's always wanted. President-elect Biden. America's control-ult deletes. He's been assembling his new administration and it looks like he's putting his best foot

forward. Well, I guess it's he's only working foot, but it's still pretty impressive. President-elect Joe Biden is unveiling key members of his foreign policy and national security team today. The players are familiar from the Obama administration and notable for their diversity. If confirmed, Alejandra Mayorkas will be the first Latino and immigrant

to serve as Secretary of Homeland Security. Avril Haines will be the the the first, the first, the first, the first, the first, the first the first the first the the the the the the thineineineineineineine the thine the thine thii. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thoe, to to thoe, thoom. Joe, to thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe to immigrant to serve as Secretary of Homeland Security. Avril Haynes will be the first female director of national intelligence. And Linda Thomas Greenfield, a career diplomat, is nominated to represent the United States at the UN. Mr. Biden also announced his new White House communications team. It is a diverse all-female group, including several mothers of young kids. Now that is progressive. An all-women communications team and a national security team that is racially diverse.

People all over the Middle East are going to be like, what an honor, what an honor to be bombed by such a woke administration. And a communications team of all women will be a refreshing change, because let's be honest guys. Men are always lying about size to try and impress people. Don't be fooled. This team isn't as diverse as it seems on the surface. For example, all of these people have experience in their fields. Yeah, everyone's experienced. The Trump administration would never have tolerated this kind of discrimination

against incompetence. Shame on you, Joe Biden, shame on you. Meanwhile, on the other side of reality, Donald Trump's attempt to cling to office faced another setback yesterday, when Wisconsin and Arizona became the latest states to formally certify Biden's victory. And the Arizona ceremony happened at a particularly awkward moment for Donald Trump. As the governor was signing the certification documents, his cell phone buzzed with the ringtone of hail to the chief. Ducey has previously said he set that song for calls coming from the White House. This time he muted the phone and set it aside as he signed documents that made Trump's loss official. Whoo That is cold. Sending the president of the United States to voicemail like he's spam,

which he is, but still. You know Fox and friends were watching this like, oh, that's a good trick. We can just not answer before. We've got to try that. And you know what made this move, especially gangster, is that he knew Trump was watching him on live TV. We've all had that that that that that that that that that that that that th th th th th th th th th th th tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thuu thi thu thu thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thu. thu. thu. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thuu. thu. thi is thi is thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to thi. to to thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. thi is thi is call or our text, but to actually see it, to see him look at his phone, see your name, and then put it away, ooh, that had to hurt.

Trump was probably sitting there like, This is so painful, I've got to call Melania and tell her how bad it hurts. Ah, I guess Melania also can't come to the phone right now. And as upsetting as those losses are for Trump, it's even more frustrating for Trump's supporters. Because they must be wondering how their guy can possibly still be losing, especially after they've donated tons of money for the legal battles against the rigged election.

Well, it turns out that that's not where all the money may be actually going. The president's unfounded claims of voter fraud and misinformation surrounding the 2020 election are proving to be lucrative for Team Trump and his allies. A source tells CNN the president and his political operation have raised more than $170 million since Election Day. Now, a fraction of this money will likely go to fund whatever is left of the president's legal fight here, but most of this money there is very few restrictions on any of this and most

of it will likely go to fund the president's own personal activities. He can take that piggy bank with him for whatever he wants to do in the future. Oh, I see you, Donald. I see you! Here we were, all thinking that you were really challenging the election results. Shee, you were just hustling. Look at this man. Look at this dude. Even at the very end of his presidency, Donald Trump is grifting his own supporters out of their money. I guess the one thing he doesn't need to recount is his balls, because clearly this man has a massive pay to go out like this.

I mean, damn, we all knew that he'd probably grift hard on his way out, but hustling $170 million from his own supporters? It's one thing to steal all the shampoo bottles from the hotel. Trump, he's taking the piano from the lobby and the indoor pool with him. One of the weirdest quirks of being an American president is having the power to pardon anyone for any federal crimes. Sort of like a cheat code for America's justice system. And it looks like President Trump is going to spend the next two months mashing those buttons. President Trump may soon wield the power of the pardon in unprecedented ways.

Multiple sources say the president is weighing whether to preemptively pardon family members and several of his close associates. Among the names the president has discussed behind the scenes, the oldest three of his five children, Don, Jr., Eric and Ivanka, as well as his son-in-law, Jared Kushner. Sources tell ABC News the president's lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, is also among those who in recent weeks directly asked President Trump for a preemptive pardon, though Giuliani denies it.

Let's just break down crystal clear what's being considered here. We're talking about pardons being issued before the president leaves office for people who've not even been charged with the crime. The preemptive, get out of jail free card before a crime has even been committed, possibly for friends, family, even the president himself. Oh, guys, that is adorable. Trump is pardoning his kids and his house pets. And he's not even pardoning them for anything specific. Trump is just handing out pardons like their gift cards. I figured I'd let you pick your own crime, so enjoy.

Do something crazy, you know, live a little. Of course, the big question now is, can Trump legally pardon himself? Because, you see, no one knows for sure. But I actually want Trump to try it, just because it'll fun to see how he'll do it. You know, he'll probably be in the mirror like, I hereby pardon you. No, I pardon you. Stop pointing at me. I'm trying to pardon you.

Part your pardon. You're so good looking, but you're pardoned. And before you say, Oh, typical Donald Trump, only in it for himself. Well, hey, that's not trueueueueueueueueueue true. It turns out that anyone may be able to get a pardon from Trump for the right price. The White House is investigating a potential bribery scheme involving presidential pardons. It was revealed in heavily redacted court documents pertaining to a search warrant of several

offices. The investigation seems to involve at least two individuals who, quote, acted as lobbyists to senior White House officials without registering as lobbyists, quote, to secure a pardon or reprieve of sentence for a person who appears to be known to investigators but whose name has been redacted in these newly unsealed documents. The investigation also involves an alleged offer from someone whose name had also been redacted of a quote substantial political contribution in exchange for a presidential pardon or reprieve of sentence. The documents do not name President Trump or

any other White House officials nor do they say whether anyone in the White House knew about the alleged scheme. Whoa! So there was already controversy over Trump's pardons and now bribery might be involved as well. Basically, Trump managed to shove one of his scandals in the middle of another scandal. So impressive. Now, to be clear, all we know is that someone apparently offered to bribe Trump with a campaign contribution in exchange for a presidential pardon. We don't know if Trump actually pardon the guy.

We don't know if he considered it or if he even heard about it. All right, we don't know what Trump did. I will say this, though, after knowing him for this long, I think we can assume that my man is not going to turn down some pardon cashed hasn't started targeting Instagram ads to former felons. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives.

But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth th th th th th se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se se th. th. th. thine thine thine thine thine thine thine thine thine thine thine thine thi minutes thi thine thine thine th. th. When thine thine thi minutes minutes minutes minutes minutes minutes thi minutes minutes th. When th. When th. When th. When th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I thi. thi. I theeeee mine. I the. thee. thee. thee. thee. the. thean. the. the. the. the. the. I the all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. Our first ray of sunshine comes from the moon. And I know, I know some of you are thinking, how can you have a ray of sunshine from the moon? Because the moon reflects light from the sun. That's what moonlight is.

Don't you remember third grade science? I actually don't remember it either. I just googled it now. Anyway, here's what's happening on the moon right now. Right now, a Chinese robotic craft was collecting samples on the moon, a touchdown in an area where Apollo and even the Sputnik missions have never ventured. China's space administration says for two days it will drill, it will collect samples. The goal to bring back about four pounds of dust, of rock and debris later this month. And those samples, amazingly, will be the first brought back to the earth in 44 years.

It's been a while since we've done that lunar exploration. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow, wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, the the the the the the the the the their, and the to the earth in 44 years. It's been a while since we've done that moon rock exploration. Wow. We haven't collected any moon rocks in 44 years. I'll bet that they've changed a lot since back then. You know, they've probably graduated Moon College, met another Moon Rock and had some little Moon Rocks of their own. Then they started Moon Rock drinking and developed a problem gambling. And then the one moon rock tells tells tells tells to to to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thoom rock rock rock rock rock rock rock rock rock rock rock rock rock rock rock rock to to to tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. their. tho. tho. tho. th. th. their th. We's th. We've th. We've th. We've th. We've th. We've th. We's. We've their. We's. We's. We's. their. We's. We. We've. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. th. th. the. the. the. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. the thoo. the the the thoooooo. the tho. the the the the the the. their own. Then they started moon rock drinking and developed a problem gambling and then the one moon rock tells the other to get his goddamn act together and he's all like, why don't you mind your goddamn business? Anyway, it'll be nice to catch up with

those moon rocks. And you gotta admit, this is pretty slick of China to do this now. Just when everyone discovered that they lied about their numbers and the extent of the outbreak. of the outbreak in Wuhan. Uh, excuse me, China. Did you lie and try and hide COVID when it started? Oh, I would love to answer your questions, but we have to go get rocks on the moon. Also, I just want to put it out there. But maybe this isn't the best time for humanity

to be visiting the moon. I mean, I can't even travel to touch things in space. I don't want aliens coming down in two weeks like, What the hell, guys, you gave us COVID-19? We're so sorry, aliens, we didn't mean, if you put on a mosque, it can help. Don't take away our freedoms. But let's go back down to Earth for some news from the United Nations. You know, it's where all the world's leaders gather together for a slumber party. And the organization that brings nations together now has something to bring to the party.

The United Nations has now removed cannabis from their list of most dangerous drugs. Marijuana had been categorized by the World Health Organization as a so-called Schedule 4 drug. Heroin is in the same group. Well now a panel voted to move cannabis into a lower category known as Schedule 1. the. the schedule. the schedule. the th. th. th. th. th. th. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi, the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thooooooooooooi. And, thoooo. And, tho. And, thi. And, thi. is in the same group. Well, now a panel voted to move cannabis into a lower category known as Schedule 1. It includes drugs that are still considered highly addictive, but can also be used medically. Many countries look to the UN classification for policy guidance. That's right, people. The United Nations has officially removed cannabis from its list of most dangerous drugs, which is fantastic. Because if any group could mellow out a bit, it's world leaders. I mean, right now, Israel and Palestine hate each other so much, but if

they smoked a little weed together, couldn't they become friends? Well, the answers no, they'd probably still hate each other, but would they want to get off the couch to do anything about it? I mean, smoking weed could even help end the Jolloff wars between Nigeria and Ghana. Adibbo, you know when I smoke and get really high, Ghana and Jolov is not totally shit, huh? And you know what, why stop at them? Any world leader smoking pot would be awesome because they'd just be there like, oh, yeah man, hmm, that'll be some Irish cush right there. Ah, sir, you are the Prime Minister of Sweden. That's how you know is good.

Moving on, from the world of diplomacy to the world of hip-hop and home decorating. Yeah, that's right. The new Drake just dropped, and I can't tell you how it smells. Here's a unique holiday gift. Have your home smell like Drake, Bill. The singer has released a series of scented candles, and the scent called Carby Musk

claims to smell like the Canadian rapper himself filled with notes of Musk, amber, cashmere, swate, and velvet. It cost about 80 bucks. It includes a marker for you to write the recipient's name on the candle. Whoa, 80 bucks. I mean, I love Drake, but I feel like he's really overestimating how much I want my house to smell like an emotional rapper. And even if I do agree to spend

$80 on a Drake smelling candle, I need to know which Drake smell I'm talking about. Because you smell different at different times. Like am I getting Drake before the concert or after the concert? Because the one Drake smells like blueberries with a hint of Egyptian musk. The other Drake smells so sweaty, you can tell that these balls are still stuck to one leg.

And finally, the Queen of England. She's the titular head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head head. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the toe, toe, the the the titular head of the United Kingdom and the reason every British actress now has a job. And now she's got a job opening. Here's a job opportunity that does not come around very often. Queen Elizabeth is looking to hire a new personal assistant in the private secretary's office at Buckingham Palace. Now the person will be in charge of managing requests, coordinating meetings and appointments, and drafting correspondence. It comes with a two-year contract and a salary of almost $50,000 a year. Okay, okay.

Fifty grand a year is a decent salary. Enough to buy some of those Drake candles, but not enough for the Queen's assistant. Because you're the assistant. You're going to know all the Queen's secrets. If she wants to keep her Megan Voodoo doll under wraps, that's got to be worth at least 50 grand more. And the queen better not say it's because the economy isn't great. Because that's a weird excuse to make when you're sitting in a castle. I really wish we could pay you more, but money is really tight right now. Your diamonds. uh, your diamond crown is crooked, uh, uh, uh sorry, it's because of all the diamonds. And look, on some level, it would be really fun to work for the queen.

I mean, think about it, managing her appointments, having tea with her, teling the cops you were driving after she runs someone over. But it's also got to be super stressful. There's so many tasks to keep on top of. Every day thi the day the day the today is today is the toe toe toe to be the to be to be the to be. tooes the tooes the to be. tooes the to be. to bea. to to to to to to to to to work to work. to work. to work for to work for to work for to work for to work for to work for to work for to work for to work for to work for to work for to work for to work for to work for to work for to work for to work to work to work to work to work to work to work. to work. to work. to work. to work. to work. to work. to work. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tasks.a.a.a.a. the the tooome. tooome. tooome. tooome. too. to to to tooks to keep on top of. Every day is like, wait, was it feed the corgis and behead the traitor? Or feed the traitor and behead the corgis? Ah, what have I done? Of course, the truth is these days a celebrity assistant is just basically a 20-something-year-old who manages social media accounts,

which is going to be really confusing for the tween.... the it that Idrish Elber can get? Before we go, as you may have heard, there is an important run-off election coming up in Georgia. And if you're watching this from the Peach State, the deadline to register to vote online for that election is next Monday, December 7th. Now, if you're not in Georgia who were not eligible to vote in the general election, but are eligible to vote now in January 5th. So if you're able to help out and you want to support the cause, then please check out the link below.

The Daily Show with Trevor Noa, Ears Edition. Watch the Daily Show, Weekights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central Act. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show. to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible.

I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look. Starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.