The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Trevor Noah Presents Josh Johnson: # (Hashtag)

Episode Date: June 25, 2021

Josh Johnson discusses pandemic-era absurdities, his terrifying encounter with bees, relearning how to be in the world as an avowed weirdo and getting hit on by his friend's grandma. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Up next is a bonus presentation of the one-hour stand-up special, Trevor Noah presents Josh Johnson. HASHTAG. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with ZIP Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com. Zip Recruiters smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after

you post your job, zip recruiters powerful matching technology starts showing you qualified people for it and you can use zip recruiters pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let Zip Recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address, Zip Recruiter.

Again that's Zip Recruiter. The smartest way to hire. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at, that's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News.

Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, hey, I today Cool. Everybody sit down. Thank you so much for coming out. Give it up for yourselves again. Oh my gosh. We're all here, we made it. Oh man. It's so great to be here with all of you. This is incredible. This is absolutely amazing. Because it means we did it. We lived. I'm not gonna lie. I didn't think I we did it. We lived. I'm not going to lie. I didn't think I'd make it. I didn't even get COVID. I'm just not a survivor.

That's not how anybody I know would describe me. I'll even tell you what, a year before the pandemic, right? Fully before the pandemic. I was just walking in New York, just looking up the sky, loving my life, right? Just looking up being happy and I stepped off the curb. That's all this happened so far. I stepped off the curb and I stepped on a bird, okay? Just thing, not a dead bird, okay? This bird was also walking around not paying attention, loving his life. We just collided with nature, humanity at once.

And so I stepped on the bird, the bird and I freaked out, and the bird and I made the same noise. That is not somebody that survives a global pandemic, all right? If you can match the pitch of a pigeon out of fear, then no. No one is checking for you in the Mad Max movie, all right? You died in the first five seconds in that montage about what went wrong with the world. Just you and a bird like, ah! Like, that's how it ends. This is insane, you know? Global pandemic. Last year was crazy because it was the first thing that ever happened that happened to everybody. That's wild.

That didn't even happen in the World Wars and they're named after the world. You know, there were subcoucest like we're good, we're just going to sit out at this home. Y'all seemed to be working a thing out over there, so we kind of little. We don't need to be dusted up in that. You know? Some people thought it was the end of the world, which is why I'm pretty sure that in all that chaos, in all that uncertainty, and all that fear, that somebody, somewhere, definitely ate a person. That happened, all right? And we need to talk about it, okay?

It's more likely that it happened than that it didn't happen. You can't tell me out of seven billion people, nobody was strong enough and dumb enough not to eat somebody too quick, okay? Just get arrested this year, like, okay, I'm the only one who ate somebody, all right? I'm going. How was I supposed to know next year they still be Captain Crunch? I'm going. Can I just say something though? Can I just say something? Nobody even like Dave, okay? That's why I took y'all so long to cash.

Nobody was checking for Dave. I'm going, I'm going. I'm going. Nobody was checking for Dave. Oh, can I say something else? Can I just say something else? He was a little gamey. He was a little gamy, he was a little dry, all right?

So now I gotta go to jail off a meal that wasn't even good off of a dude that nobody liked. Where's the justice? He was a one-star meal and person, all right? I'm going, that's it. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free your job, zip recruiters powerful matching technology

starts showing you qualified people for it. And you can use zip recruiters pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites, and let zip recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address, Zip Recruiter.com slash zip.

Again, that's Zip Recruiter. The smartest way to hire. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling? But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at.

That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS Newsutes a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. The thing that bothers me now is that now that there's vaccines and you know there's whole game plans for how we're going to attack this thing. There are people that want to act like they knew it was going to be okay the entire time. They want to act like they were cool the to be okay the entire time. They want to act like they were cool the whole time and that bothers me. It makes me mad, you know?

Doctors were like, we've never seen anything like this before. And you were like, no, I think it'll be fine. No, that's not true. Everybody was at least a little bit panicked. And you know how I know that? Remember that food run in March? Remember that food where people thought was the end of the world and they ran past the food to the toilet paper? They thought we were all going to die and they ran past the cheese snacks to what they were

going to wipe their butt with. There's never been a better ad for a bidet. There's never been a better ad for a bidet than a soccer mom punching an old lady in the face for some charming. She hits the ground ladies running with an underarm. She hits the ground ladies running punching an old lady in the face for some charming. She hits the ground ladies running with an underarm. Even the mascot bear is like, ooh. You know?

But you knew it would be okay. Come on. I knew some people that were quarantine with the whole family the entire time. You know, like seven people in like a two-bedroom house. Oof. Let's say it happens. Society crumbles, the infrastructure fails. It's time to start eating people.

There are people that were just looking at their fattest cousin like it's gonna be you. All right. There are people that were just looking at their fattest cousin like it's gonna be you, all right? What's you gonna do, run? No, it's too late for that. All right. Plus he's diabetic, so I know he's gonna be sweet, okay? Like how that was a line for you. We've been eating people for four minutes straight of eating people jokes and diabetic was where you were like, ooh. Not if they taste like cake. The pandemic definitely made me glad that I grew up black in America. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Because nothing prepares you for a pandemic in America.

Like being black and regular America. You're standing there like, wait, wait, wait, what's that you say? Food is scarce, medical attention is hard to come by, and jobs in the community are being lost by the thousands. Was this a Tuesday? Even now, even now that we have a vaccine and there's a light at the end of the tunnel, there's a lot black people that don't want to take it and I understand I do get it. They don't want to take it because of history, you know what I mean? It's just th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like thi, like, like, what thi, what thi, what thi, what thi, what thi, what thi, what thi. What thi. What thi. What thi. What th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi, what thi, what thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th it. They don't want to take it because of history. You know what I mean? It's just not on science aside. We've been experimented all before and we remember. But I will say I'm fully vaccinated. That's the first time anybody's clap for my asthma. That is incredible. Okay I'll take it.

But I am fully vaccinated. that's a fullainthe today. they first time anybody's clap for my asthma. That is incredible. Okay, I'll take it. But I am fully vaccinated, and I would tell all the black people that I know in my life and out of it, that this is the one to get. And I know it's the one to get, because they didn't want to give it to us right away. way. Don't get me wrong. If you're just out playing basketball and some white bed and white coats just walk up like would you kids like some free medicine? Then yeah no no. Back away. But there were whole states they were like wait your turn nigger. That's how you know it's the good stuff.

I'm sorry about the truth. I don't know what to tell you. But yeah, I know last year was scary. It was. But yeah, I know last year was scary. It was. Because some people's worst fears came true last year. There's some people whose worst fear in their entire life is losing their job and not being able to provide for their family, and that happened.

There's some people whose worst fear in their entire life is getting sick and being a burden on the people that they love. And that happened. I had my worst fear in my entire life come true last year. I got a bee stuck in my hair. I've got a bee stuck in my hair. I know it doesn't sound like it matches up, but let me explain. First of all, I am deathly allergic, okay? I'm deaf.

If I get stug, I will die. Me plus B equals dead, okay? That's the quick bath for you. And this thing came in hot, all right? It shot in my hair like it belonged there. And at first, I just tried to whip my hair back and forth, try to get it out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out th that th. that this thing came in hot, all right? It's shot in my hair like it belonged there. And at first, I just tried to whip my hair back and forth, try to get it out. That didn't help at all. It just got it more stuck. So now I am running up to people screaming for help, but there is no quicker way to look schizophrenic than running up to people screaming for help and they can't see the threat, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, and threat, and threat, and threat, and threat, and threat, and threat, and threat, and threat, and threat, and threat, and that, and that, and thin, and the, and that, and that, thi, thi, thi, thi, to, to, to, thi, thi, thi, th-in, th-in, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th the threat, all right? So now I'm running up to white people in the park ruining picnics, okay? I am stepping in people's pesto, I'm slipping in hummus.

I fell and snapped a whole shark-ery board. And I know what I should have done. I should have run up, and I should have been like, hey, I'm so sorry, but if I could get your attention for just a second, there's a B in my hair and I'm deathly allergic. If you could help me out, that would be a literal lifesaver. Okay? I was too panicked for any of that, all right? So I just ran up all of like, it's in me. Can't you hear it? It's gonna kill me! Can't you hear it?

It's gonna kill me! And I forgot to mention up that when I slipped in the hummus, I rolled my ankle, so... So... I didn't even get to run up all the regular I was running up I'm like it's in me can't you hear it's gonna kill me people were running away from me people were running away from me it was terrible it was terrible it was absolutely horrible. And this is the thing, the thing that bothered me the most,

the thing that really stressed me out, even broke my heart a little bit, was this was the one time, the one time in my entire life, that I needed white people to tou my hair and they were nowhere to be found. I wasn't asking, I was becking. I was like, I'm gonna die. And they were like, no, no, I know better. I learned about this, all right? I went to Vassar, you're not gonna get me canceled. I took a sensitivity class.

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to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let Zip Recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address. Zip Recruiter.com slash zip. Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it.

This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News, listened to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. Well, I developed a lot of pet peeves in the pandemic, you know.

A lot of things that didn't bother me before that definitely bothered me now really upset me. Like, um, I'm done with horoscopes. You can read yours, but don't read me mine, okay? And say I'm done because they're too esoteric for me, you know? you'll find love in love's place when love's ready to do love's thing. You think? Wow. You basically just said something's going to happen eventually.

That's your prediction. I would just rather a horoscope with less words. That would make me happier. I would rather open up a newspaper, go down to where it says Pisces and it just says, don't. I'm sure I was gonna do something dumb that day. The other reason I'm done with them is because, you know, everybody here was born. Everybody here has got a sign, whether you believe in it or not. you know, everybody here was born. Everybody here has got a sign, whether you believe in it or not.

Everyone has one, right? How did everybody's horoscope miss a global pandemic? It was coming whether you were like a Leo or a Libra or like the scales or the dolphin and the dog, whatever it is? It was coming no matter what. So I still have people who have the nerve to re-be-bub. to the the sign, you know, the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their sign, their sign, their sign, their their their their their their their their their sign, their their, their, whether their, whether their, whether their, whether their, whether their, whether their, whether, whether, whether, their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their sign. their sign. their sign, their sign, their sign, their sign, their sign, their sign, their sign, their, their, their sign, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their sign. I the scales or the dolphin and the dog, whatever it is. It was coming no matter what. So I still have people who have the nerve to rebe by horoscope. And like it says something very special was on the way for you. Really? It couldn't have said mask up March 15th.

That would have still been mysterious. I had a hard time in lockdown. I really did. In quarantine, it was hard. It was really, really hard. Because it made a liar out of me. It did. Because I've always said my entire life, if I just had the time. Oh if I had the time, I'd learn another language. Oh if I had the time, I'd learn another language. I'd get ripped.

I'd learn how, I'd get ripped. I'd learn how to build a house. Turns out, if you lock me in my room for nine months, I won't do any of those things. I would just rather watch TV until I fall asleep in secession. I would just rather watch TV until I fall asleep in session. I watched TV and fell asleep so many times that the only way that I knew if I ate

was if I woke up with Dorito dust on my collar. I was just waking up middle of the day, just oh, oh, oh, oh, thank God. Oh, oh, thank God. Oh. Oh, that became my life. My life just became screens. Nonstop. It was either my phone or my computer or my TV. Nonstop. I was either on the internet or I was watching something. And it got to be a lot. It got to the point where I knew I needed to take a break.

You know? So I decided to do it. I put everything down, I turned everything off, and I just sat in my room and I would just sit and I would think. Just try to be alone with myself in a quiet place. Like suss myself out, I'll get to know what I'm really about in here. And that was a terrible mistake. It was one of the dumbest things I've ever done in my life. First of all, I'm just sitting thinking.

I'm not thinking after reading. I'm just thinking raw-ass thoughts. These aren't good thoughts. These aren't good thoughts. These are just things I normally be too distracted by TV to think. And they were real dumb. And that was heartbreaking. It was. I always thought if I just sat and thought

I'd come up with a theory or something. And I was just sitting there like, oh my God, all of these things are dumb. Am I dumb? Is this how dumb people find out? Because that last thing was real dumb and I'm the only one talking. That's what happens when you sit with your thoughts. But I knew I had to take a break. I knew it because I got to the point where I wasn't sure if I knew who I was when there wasn't a screen

in front of my face. Because I know it sounds bad to say, but there's an online me and there's an in-person me. I know it sounds fake to say that, but it's true. And I'm scared that the online version is better. I am. Because online, I try to educate people, you know? I take up for people that I don't know. I fight for causes that I believe in. But in real life, I saw my friend Sean get jumped and I was like, he probably did something. I don't see how that's my business, you know?

Honestly, it wouldn't be three of them if he didn't do it, if he didn't deserve it, you know? In fact, let me turn around. I don't like him screaming my name like that. That's... I don't want to be involved. You know? Online, I try to educate people that I feel like are being ignorant. But you know what I don't do in real life? Read! Like, I don't know where I get all talking down to people. Because I got a keyboard in front of me. Online, I tell people I don't know to keep following their dream. Okay?

I tell them that they can do it. I don't know if they can do it. I keep telling them that they can do it, okay? And in real life, I gave a street performer saw this guy making fun of this kid for being too skinny because he posted a workout video and there was this big dude making fun of him right and so I told him hey if you want to get your ass beat come to this address And in real life, I gave my buddy Sean's address. You know what I was? How was I supposed to know he's going to be two other people?

That's just unfair. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling? But that's all about to change. Like, none of this stuff gets looked at.

That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News, listen to 60 Minutes a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. Because I'm also relearning how to be in the world. You know, I was awkward before, but I'm insufferable now. I am. I am almost a year out of practice from being weird. Like I go, I go on walks walks and I remember I left the house for this walk right and while I was on it I bumped into a guy and we bumped into each other hard because we both just weren't paying attention and when I

I bumped into him I immediately whipped around to apologize but when I turned around he was standing there and a gun had fallen out of his waistband. And so I looked at the gun. And I looked at him. And he looked at the gun, and he looked at me. And he looked at me. And he looked at the gun. And he looked at me. And here's the thing. I was raised in the South, right? So I was raised to be polite. I was raised to, you know, make people feel comfortable, be affable, and everything.

So out of it, pure instinct, I almost, I dealt down to pick up this man's gun. And about halfway down, I was like, let me not put my fingerprints on this loose gun. He doesn't even have a holster. I am sure he is going to do something illegal with this gun. And so I just stood back up and then he knelt down and he picked it up and put it back in his waistband.

Then we just stared at each other. And then I went. Uh, evening. Evening? I've never in my life. Evening, sir? I don't know why, but I felt like if I skipped he wouldn't shoot me. You know what I mean?

I'm a moving target. So, as I was on a walk, because that's all I do now. Just leave the house and walk till I get tired, and then come home and fall asleep and walk again. I'm basically my own dog. Because during a lockdown, what else could you do? There was all, you could only go for a, everything was closed. You know? And so, I was on this walk and I actually got to see a public proposal.

And I saw this guy stand in front of this woman and he took a step back and he knelt. He whipped a ring out, he popped it open, asked her to marry him. And then she hit him in the head with a rock. And I am not a relationship expert, but that seems like a hard no. That's a fast pass right there, you know? And I don't know them. I don't know what's going on with them or anything.

So I just had to insert something for myself. And if I'm being honest, last year, a lot of people moved in together real quick. They were like, listen, it's the end of the world. I'm not paying two rents, all right? Let's just live together. Where I like you enough, we'll survive. So people partnered up and maybe that's what happened to them. They partnered up early in the pandemic. And every day he fell more and more in love with her. And every day, she got sicker and sicker of her. You know, month two. They're sitting at the breakfast table.

And he's just looking at her. He's just thinking, he's not saying anything that's out loud. He's just thinking. Wow. The world may never be normal again. The world may be changed forever as we know it. And I get to be sitting across from this beautiful woman. This amazing woman that she even eats cute. Look at her eating her cereal. Little bites. She is, she's just too cute, you know? And then she's sitting across from him thinking,

Is this mothfuck watching me chew? I don't like him looking deep in my mouth like that. That is weird as hell. Make me not even want my food anymore. Month four. They're laying down watching a movie together. He has both of her hands and his hands. And he's just thinking like, look at these little hands. Look at these deity little hands. She has these dainty little hands. She is the cutest hands in the world.

And then she's thinking, this clammy bitch. How did he even get his hands this wet? Did he wash his hands where he sat down to watch the movie? My hands are soaking wet right now. I am sopping wet. I got a cup of water in my hand right now from his weak fingers rubbing up against my hands. Month 8.

Maybe they're on a walk or something. Maybe they're actually able to go out and do a thing. Not much is open, but maybe they go to like a Froyo place or something. They're eating it together and he's like, look at the little, ooh, look at her eating the little Froyo, you know what? I can't wait. Tomorrow, I'm going to do it. I'm going to ask this beautiful woman to marry me. I'm going to get down on one knee and ask this angel to to the to the to their their to their their to their their to their their their their to their their their to their their to to their their to get to get to get their to get to get their their their to get to get down, I to get down, look at their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. I, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look their, look their, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look at thoomorrow, tooomorrow, look, look, look, look at thoomorrow, look at thoomorrow, look at too, look at their the world. And she was sitting there thinking if his head was just a little lower, I bet I could not to clean off.

I bet I could crack his damn Sarah Bella if he gave me the chance. Because I should mention, I don't know if I mentioned it up top, but when she hit him in the head with a rock, she didn't pick up the rock. She just had a rock on her, okay? She was just as ready. I th hi th hi th hi th hi th hi th his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his head he h hit him him him him he h hit him in the head with a rock, she didn't pick up the rock. She just had a rock on her, okay? She was just as ready to hit him in the head with a rock as he was to propose. Both just walking all day with a rock at their back pocket, and hers was just bigger. Because I should point out, I wasn't the only one who saw this.

You know, like with any public proposal, a crowd gathered around. People were awing. People started to clap. This proposal got claps, but it only got two claps. Because people saw him kneel and they even started, they were like, that is so beautiful. We should mind our business. Let's just go. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes.

It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News, listened to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. When I was trying to take a break from my phone, you know what I really missed?

My phone. I did. It was like, it hurt. It was weird. It's hard to even explain. You know? And it's when it's when it occurred to me that no one will ever love anyone as much as you love your phone.

I know it sounds sad to say, but it's true. It is. You know, I've had conversations with people, deep, long conversations, where I was like, wow, right now in this moment, I think I'm making a friend for life. I've opened up to this person more than I've opened up to anyone in years, and eventually, they do just pull out their phone and start like checking some, and that's supposed to be rude, but it's not rude. The phone is better. It is. You can do anything you want on the phone and I'm just yapping about my parents' divorce. They pull out the phone like, this is way better than what was happening two seconds ago. Oh my God. Oh, he's still going. He is a mess. Yes. No? I dropped my phone sometimes.

I don't know if anyone else here does. But think about the noises you make when you almost drop your phone. The true heartbreaking noises that you make. It hadn't even hit the ground getting you like, oh, oh, oh, oh, ah, ah! That was just it slipping through one finger. It's still in your hand, but you're, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and you mean it. It's coming from deep in here.

It's coming from the heart. You couldn't mean it more. It's biological in you to make that noise when you're dropping your baby. Now think of the noises we make when we see actual car accidents. Oh, that's messed up. I hope everybody okay.

That looks terrible. You see all those should be reversed? Because truly, I drop my phone and I go through all five stages of grief. I really do. You know? I drop it, it hits the ground. Denial. That's, that's not a crack. That's just a hair. And as soon as I wipe it, I'll be Gucci.

Okay? My phone is fine. I did not just mess up my phone just now I'm good I'm good anger for I can't believe I just dropped this phone right outside the apple store I am standing I bought it six seconds go cashier still look at me in the face he waving at me the the he waving at me and I and dropped this phone through these brittle fingers bargaining that's just the case the the case th-I th th th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. A th. A the hair th. A the hair the hair the hair their their their their the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the anger. anger. anger. anger. anger. anger. anger. anger. anger. anger. anger. anger. anger. anger. anger. anger. anger. anger. anger anger anger anger anger anger anger anger anger anger anger anger anger anger. the the the the the the the the their anger. anger. their anger. I anger. I anger. I their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their anger in the face. He waving at me. And I didn't drop this phone through these brittle fingers. Bargaining? That's just the case. That's the case whole job is to be like the secret service of the phone and take the hits for the phone.

So that's when it's just like a little soldier. It took that hit. It cracked. My phone is fine. Depression, my ex was right, I don't handle responsibility well at all, and that's why she left and honestly I think she made the right move. Acceptance, you know what, I just don't deserve nice things. Okay, I don't know where I get off getting it, I should have got a Nokia like I deserve. I've been visiting more people now. Now the things are opening up and stuff and I went to visit one of my friends who I haven't seen thin' th th th th th th thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' I've thin' I've thin' I've thin' I've thin' I've th th th th thin' I've thin' I've made thin' I've thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' the the th th th th th th th th th th the right th the right th th th th th th the the right the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thin, I thin, I've thin, I've thin, I've visiting more people now, now the things are opening up and stuff. And I went to visit one of my friends who I haven't seen since before any of the pandemic,

you know, I haven't seen him in a whole year. And he lives with his mom, his dad, his grandma, and his cousin. And it was so good to see all of them hang out a little bit, catch up and stuff, but while I was there, I'm not sure how to, while I was, basically my boy's grandma got a crush on me and I don't know what to do about it. And I heard a couple of awes, this is not a hallmark crush, all right? This woman has carnal intentions towards my body, okay? She's not messing around. Okay?

I was, I was, I was hanging out there and first of all, she wait till everybody lea to hit on me. That's how you know she's a predator, okay? She waived so she can make it, he said, right? so that everybody left the room for a different reason and she got right up all me just in my face all over me. And I tried to let her down easy. I tried to make it scientific about the pandemic, you know. I was like, ma'am, we should social distance. Because you know, right now I'm not vaccinated, you're not vaccinated, okay? And you're in a high-risk demographic. I would hate for something to happen to you, all right? That's what I said.

And then she went. Oh, sweetie, I'm high risk and high reward. So I just stuck to my buddy like glue. Anywhere he went is where I went in the house. I was right behind him everywhere he went. I just did while I be left alone with her again because that means she's aggressive, okay? And I'm not gonna lie. She's old but I think she's faking it. Because she's old but she's fast. Because we would leave the room and she wouldn't be in the room with us at all and I would turn around she'd just be right behind me. I'm like, are you running? How are you doing this? But she was behind me and she pinched my butt.

And pinching butts is that old lady sexual harassment that nobody cares about, you know? Even if I tell people like, she got me, all right? They're like, well, she's 85, you should have been faster, okay? Honestly, just move. But she did, she pinched my butt and they whispered in my ear, you firm like my mattress. It's like, oh my God. Oh my God. I am going to leave.

And so I left it. I don't know how, but she got my number. I think she got out of my buddy's fault when he wasn't paying attention. And she has been sending me non-stop thirst traps, okay? But they're granny thirstraps, so it's just pictures of food that she cooked. But still, still, there is in your window involved, you know? She sent me a picture of a cobbler and then text me under it, I could break you off some if you want to come all through.

I was like, I am going to throw my phone in the river. I hate this way more than I love my phone. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at.

That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. I just want people to be happy, and I feel like we can be happy if we get out of our own way. Like, I have friends who are dating, trying to date in New York and stuff, and... Especially my female friends will talk to me about therying to date in New York and stuff.

Especially my female friends will talk to me about their troubles, trying to date in like metropolitan city, trying to date in the age of the apps and everything. And I even had one friend she came to me with this list, and it was the list of everything that she wanted in a guy, you know? And I told her honestly, because I care about that that to that that that that to that that to that that to that to that thua to to to thua to to to thua to thi thi to to thi to thi to thi thi to thi thi thi tooke thi tooke thi thi thi thi thi tooke tooke tooke to me to me to me to me to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi thi me thi thi me thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try., try me thi t guy, you know? And I told her, honestly, because I care about her. I need you to take that list and throw it in the trash. All right? Burn it if you have to.

If that will help you forget the memory. I'll tell you right now, there's only three attributes that you could hope for in a guy that you're going to make a partner. There's only three. You need to pick two, okay? You need to pick two of those three. Whichever two you can live with and move on because you're not going to get all three. I hate it for you, but it's not going to happen. I'll go over them right now. There's good dick, good person, got his shit together. You need to pick two of those three. Whichever two work for you and move on. And if he has one, leave.

Don't let a one ruin your life. Just one? Just one? And if he has one, leave. Don't let a one ruin your life. Just one? Just one? Hmm.

I honestly, I have friends complaining to me about their ones and I'm falling asleep listening to the story because it's just boring. It's like, well, you told me you had one to begin with, so what are we really talking about? If he's just a good person, doesn't have good dick, doesn't have a shit together. Just a good person? That's a friend.

Like that's... Like that's... That's a friend! Like that's... You can hang out on the weekends, go to museums. I don't know why you try to force more, you know? If he's just good dick. Just good dick. Not a good person.

Don't have a shit together. Just good dick. That's literally a dildo. That's what a Dildo is for. Why are you stress out? Make a mold of his dick in his sleep and leave. Nobody puts their vibrator back in the drawer like, Eva got my birthday. Like, that's... It's not going to happen if you're treated like what it's for. Because you're not going to get all three.

And I hate it for you. I really do. Sincerely. And every time I have this conversation with my friends, sometimes they get upset, not every time, sometimes they do get upset, and they're like, no! No, he has all three, no. No, he has all three, I know it.

I feel it, I feel it here, and here, and here. No. He has all three. If you really think he and here, no. He has all three. If you really think he has all three, he's gonna kill you. All right, that is a murderer putting on a facade, okay? I'm sure all 33 women thought Ted Bundy had all three, you know? I'm like, no, Ted, it's just nice, you know, it's just nice to meet a guy that like has his shit together as a lawyer and everything,..... th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, th Ted, it's just nice, you know, it's just nice to meet a guy that like has his shit together as a lawyer and everything and like knows how to, knows his way around the bedroom, knows how to listen.

Why are you looking me like that? Oh, like that's how it went every time. You know, you want to know what bothers me? What really upsets me, what even scares me a little bit. I don't know which two I am. I'm scared. I'm going to be laying back with my girl years from now, right?

Because I don't get to decide, you know. Because I don't get to decide, you know? That's another person's decision about me. I'm scared. I'm going gonna be laying back with my girl years from now, right? Years from now, just laying back, we're talking about this and I lean over to her and I'm like, I'm good dick and a good person, right? And she's like, you have a great job, all right? And she's like, you have a great job, huh? When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968,

there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible.

I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. Last year was tough because I also lost people, you know. We all did to a certain degree. We lost people and some of the people that I lost, like I had a friend who passed away. And he passed away during the height of infection, so we couldn't gather, we couldn't go, all be together and mourn him properly. And so we, uh, we had to have a Zoom funeral. I don't know if you've been to a Zoom meeting.

I don't know if you've been to a Zoom meeting, but this had all the awkwardness of a Zoom meeting but added as a funeral. It was terrible. Because at least at a funeral, at a real funeral, right? We're all facing the body. We're all collectively facing the same direction looking at the body. And on Zoom, we are all facing each other. And I'm not going to lie, not everybody looks upset enough for me, okay? There's some people who screens are blue. I'm like, you're playing cyberpunk. I can already tell, why are you blue and nobody else is blue? There was one dude, like, how are you going to let him eat the chips? He's just eating chips? He's just eating chips and they're making noise, the chips. He's ch chips. ch chips. He's the chips. He's the chips. He's the chips. He's the chips. He's the chips. He's the chips. He's the chips. He's just just just just just just just just just the chips. He's just just just the chips. He's just just just just just their their their their their the chips. He's just their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There's their their their their their their up because they make it noise eat the chips.

Completely unmuted. It's just preach your pringles, preacher pringles. I know you at your house but this is a funeral. No, it was horrible. People didn't know they weren't muted. There was one dude that was like, it's a funeral. No, it's a funeral. No, it's a funeral. Willie died.

I told you Willie died. Look at, he on the screen right here, come look. Look, they got him all messed up though. They messed up that last hair because I wouldn't let him bury me like that. That's terrible. Oh my God, I'm not muted. I'm not muted. Preacher got on there. And here's the thing. There was at least one family member that was allowed to be at the funeral home with the preacher, with the body and everything. And they said that he preached a really uplifting sermon, you know, especially if you grew up Christian or something, used all the, all the things we've all heard before.

You know, he got up there, acted like it was a full church house even though it was just a webcam and one person and he was like, see, see, see, Willie, Willie, may be dead, we already know that, we know Willie dead, okay? But his body is dead, his soul, his soul is up there with the Redeemer, all right? his soul is with the one that I send it, right? His soul is with the one that I send it, all right? It's with the one that I send it up. Willie out there doing moonwalking with Jesus right now. Don't mourn for Willie, all right, Willie having a good time up in the clouds. No pain, no suffering.

Willie in a better place now. Willie may be dead, all right? But he is not gone, all right? Sure. But his connection had a lag. So all we heard on our end was, Willett? Ass!

Ass! Dead? Dead? Go! Go! I'm like, that about sums it up, but that's pretty rude. It's really good. It's really good. It's for the best that I'm going to die. Not now.

One, live a long life and everything. But still, like eventually, hmm, we're done. And I say that because here's the thing, I feel, I feel at least, I don't know, but I think that I'm a good person and I do the best to make the people that I meet. You know, if I hurt someone I try to fix it and if someone is hurt already I try to make them feel better you know I just want to help and I think I think I'm as progressive as you can get I don't know maybe but give me 80 years I'm sure I'll hit a wall. It happens to everybody. Everybody hits a wall. They act like there's this huge like there there's th. There's their their their their their their there's there's their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their try. try. try. try. try. their their their their their their their their their their their their the hits a wall. They act like there's this huge, like there's this huge battle between the generations and there's not. It's just medicine got too good. So people that were nice and then should

have died are still alive and very upset saying terrible things. And I'm not it better than anybody. I could be one of them, you know. I know people who marched in the civil rights movement, right, for equality. Just be able to have what someone else has by virtue of being a person. You know, and they got dogs sicked on them. And they got the shit beat out of them, okay? And even with some of them, just some, but even with some of them, if you bring up marriage equality,

they're like, let's not get crazy. Let's not get crazy? What were you, what were you doing it for then? You know, the 60s, you're there holding hands, holding the line sitting in, singing We Shall Overcome. Who would have thought your grandson would have to overcome you, you know? What? Tell me I'm wrong. It's true.

And I want to find out what my line is. I like to just be that dude that was nice to everybody and then he died. Sounds like a pretty good life. Because I'm a super progressive guy now but give me 80 years. I'll find a thing. I won't even do it on purpose. I just won't get it you know. I won't be a bad person. I just won't understand. I don't know what it is now but it's coming. I don't know what it is now but it's's coming. In fact, I bet I can take a guess of what it is. It's gonna be robots. It will. AI is getting too good, it's not too long before they put it in a body, all right?

And then they're just walking around amongst us at everything. And then, years later, my granddaughter brings home a robot to Thanksgiving, and I don't like it. I don't like it at all. And now I'm that old racist at the table, you know? Nice young man. Could be more respectful in my house, right? But I'm sitting there saying all the racist stuff. Lean over to my granddaughter, like...

Like... You can fuck them, but don't marry them, all right? Grandpa, what? 20 minutes into dinner, I'm like, hey, Siri, pass the salt. Hey, Siri, pass the salt. Hey, hey, that's their word. Grandpa, what? You can't say that. That's their word, what? You can't say that, that's their word, okay? I invent the word, I think you get to say it.

Well, hour into dinner, what, is it? So what, your grandpa, like a blender or something? Grandpa, what? His grandfather was a blender, okay? And they kept him in the house, and they worked him to death, and then they threw him out when he got old. Nah, at least he was in the house, you know? Wasn't one of these outside robots. You wasn't like he was a lawnmower or something. He didn't have it that hard.

Haven't we done enough for you people? I've got to watch you every day. We didn't do anything. I didn't do anything to you. They like the work, they didn't complain, you know? Now every weekend can't go anywhere without you guys marching. Talking about how botlies matter whatever. And then I die and nobody's sad. And then I die and nobody's sad.

The thing that I love about telling that joke is that in it, I actually make up a form of bigotry, but this is so Brooklyn, some of you were like, you need to check your organic privilege, all right? Just because he's made it up, it's not going to happen, I promise you. I made it up, it's not going to happen, I promise you. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television.

Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. Here's the thing. We're in a time where as a comic it feels like there's another level.

It feels like you have to do two things. You have to both give people permission to laugh and make them laugh. Because we're in a very tense time where a lot of terrible things but a lot of people don't mean to say terrible things and a lot of people are worried about what people will think if they think th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi wee wee wee wee wee wee thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi to thi to to thi to to thi to to thi thi thi thi thi thi thi tense time where a lot of terrible things are being said, but a lot of people don't mean to say terrible things, and a lot of people are worried about what people will think if they say something, and it's tense. And so you have to both, you have to give people permission, like, hey, here right now, we might as well be family. We're having the the the the the tho the tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thi thi thi thi thi. thi. tho tho tho tho thoom and I thi. thi. thi. tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. t t t to. to. te. te. te. te. te te te te te te tean. tean. tean. tean. tean. thoughts with you and I hope you enjoy them. And if you don't, I understand. But I want to open up the floor and give you permission to have the best time possible with the things that I'm

saying. And then you have to give people something good enough to laugh at. I say that because this next thing... I'm telling you I want you to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have a a a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good time to have a good time to have a good time to have a good time to have a good time to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good you I want you to have a good time with it, because I did. I was visiting one of my friends, and over the pandemic he, he got a bird, which is weird, I don't know. It is. Like, he lives in a studio. it's the biggest bird I've ever seen, and now his apartment is a quarter bird. It's just, it is cumbersome. It is a reverse-biangelo in there. Just bird upset.

Nobody's having a good time. It's weird because it was odd of him to see a majestic creature and be like, well, if I can't be outside, neither can you, you know. You know? But he did. He got this bird and it's a parrot. I know it's a parrot, but it's the biggest parrot I've ever seen in my entire life. And while I was hanging out at his place, at one point he went to the bathroom. And when he went to the bathroom, I think, I don't know, I can't be certain, but I'm almost sure. That while he was in the bathroom, the parrot said the end word. And I don't know, I didn't think I wasn't sure if I had picked up on it at first, because it didn't say it like a dude, it said like a bird. You know, I'm just sitting there on my phone and I hear, I'm like, that wasn't it, but it was like, that was it, I'm trippet, I just went back to my phone and then I heard, no, that wasn't it, but I'm like, that was slow. And I'm like, and I'm like, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th. th. th. It. It. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that was, that's, that was, that's that's that was that was that that was that was th. that, that, th. th. that might have been it, you know? But I was like, no, I'm trippin.

I just went back to my phone. And then I heard, no, no. And I'm like, that was slower. That one might have been spot on. I think he trying to tell me something. But even if he is, what am I going to do? I'm to my phone, shook it off, and then the third one, the third one had some stank on it. The third one was like, nah, and I'm like, that's...

And when I turned around, he was looking at me. I'm like, he is clearly doing this. But it was weird, I didn't know what to do. I was frozen because sandcracker is their whole thing and he went fully left. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television.

Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling? But that's all about to change. Like, none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. I've talked a lot about being on my phone.

And I've only mentioned the internet a couple times. I think it's important to point out that the internet, all it is is an amplifier. You know, when the internet came along, it changed everything. It changed the world as we live in it. It changed what we care about. It changed our priorities, all that stuff. But all it really is, deep down as a transformer, it's an amplifier. And if you want to do good, it's going to help you do more good than you've ever done in your entire life. You're going to reach people that you never could have otherwise.

And if you want to do evil, it is going to take you to a darker place than you could ever imagine. Like, for the good things, right? As a good example, there was a little girl, some of you may have even seen the story, there was a little girl that was eight years old and she had brain cancer and her parents didn't have a lot of money and they didn't have the best insurance. So as Americans, we were going to let her die. That is what we do here, all all right? She obviously, being eight and having a bad brain and not having money was irresponsible. She should have pulled herself up by her seven-year-old bootstraps. obviously being eight and having a bad brain and not having money was irresponsible. She should have pulled herself up by her seven-year-old

bootstraps and made enough money to support her dumb cancer brain, right? That's American dogma, okay? So we were going to let her die, but she said no, no, I'm not going to die. All right, not without a fight, okay? I'm not going to die. Not without a fight. And so she decided to sell lemonade. She was going to sell lemonade to raise money for her surgery, right? Which is adorable, but sweetie, that's not going to cut it. Unless you are charging champagne levels for this lemonade, or have child soldier factory levels of it being pumped out and produced, you're not going to make it.

I'm sorry. But as she was selling the lemonade, every person that she sold a cup of lemonade to, she told her story. She told them why she was selling the lemonade. And then those people started to tell people. And then through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, someone started go-fund me for this little girl. And th th th th th thin thin thin th and thin and thin and thin and thin and thin and thin and thin, and thin, and thin, and thin, she thin, she thin, she thin, she tho-a, she tho-a, she thuu. tho-a, tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho that's, every that's, every that's, every thu, every that's, every thu. thu. th. th. thu. thu. thu. thu. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. theeeeeeeeeeea. thea. theeauuuuuuuuuu. theeeeeea. that's thoooooooooooooo and then she blew the amount of money that she needed for her surgery out of the water, right? Which is great. That's amazing.

That's the power of the internet. That's the ability for us to connect. When we all have access to each other, we can make an impact. We could change each other's lives, you know. But there's also a bad side. We all know it. When I was in high school, there was this group of kids that they were cool, and I liked them, and I liked that they like me,

but they terrified me, because all they ever did was prank each other. And it was like too hardcore, and it was really mean, and it weirdly always brought them closer together, but it terrified meeee their their their their they they they they they they they they they they they they thiiiiiiiaiaugheded always brought them closer together, but it terrified me, you know? Because they were heinous to each other, but it somehow just strengthened their bond. So I was glad that they liked me, but I didn't want to be in the group. And it was four of them. It was two guys, and it was two girls, and normally, like, the coming of age story would tell you that they they they they they they they they were all they were all they were all they're all they're all they're all they're all they're all they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, th. th. thi. thi, thi, thi, and it was, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th.. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. th. th. th. the, the, the, the, thr. the. the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the would tell you that they're all going to hook up, but that's not what happened. Everyone in the group had a different, significant other outside

of the group except for one girl. Her name was Beth. And it was hard for Beth to find somebody, because she was too intense. She was a lot. You know, she just, she always felt the need to up the ante, take things further than they should thah tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, that that that that, that, the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, except, their, their, except their, except for their, except for their, except for their, except for their, except for their, except their, except, their, except, their, their, except, their, their, their, their, their, their, except, their, their, except, their, their, except, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th th the, the, the. th the. And, th the. And, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the auntie, take things further than they should go, you know. Until she met a guy. She met a guy on the internet and they hit it off immediately. She thought he was cute. They had the same sense of humor. They wanted to go travel the same places. And every day she would come to school and she would tell us about this. She would tell us like, you oh, you know, he's so cool, I like him so much, and here's what we talked about and everything. And then Friday came, and on Friday she told me that he wanted to meet on Saturday.

And I told her, oh, don't do that. That is a terrible idea. Because I should point out out thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho. tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that. thate. that that the. the. the. the. the. tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. th. th. because I should point out this is an online dating in 2021. This is online dating in 2008 Okay, in 2021 there's bios there's mutual friends there's pictures from multiple angles in 2008 all you were getting with online dating was a description that was hopefully accurate enough to give the police And so I told her no, don't go because I should point out? This guy, this guy, that's a tho, that's that.? That's th, uh, uh, uh, uh, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, th, th, th, th, that, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that's, that's thi. is a thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, the police. And so I told her, no, don't go. Because I should point out, this guy didn't give her an address to come to. He said, meet me in this neighborhood through this alley, through this door. And I was like, you honestly

making it too easy to kill you. Do not go. That sounds like a murderer, okay? But she, she was young, and she she was in love and so she went. She went to that neighborhood through that alley, through that door. And when she walked through that door, it was a funeral home. She was so confused. You know, she was looking around everything, she walked around the whole funeral home, and she saw that there was only one funeral and it was his. And she was so confused, she was looking at him, looking at his family and everything. She couldn't understand it.

And then she got a call on her phone, and it was her friends. And they had pranked her. You see, they found this dude's picture in the obituary. And so they took it and they made an online profile with it. And then they found her, and then they just chopped it up. They just chatted it, and because they know her so well, they just chopped it up. They just chatted it and because they know her so well, they obviously could make her fall instantly in love with this guy. They know all of the things that she likes, they know her sense of humor,

they know the places that she wants to travel when she gets out of high school, you know? And so they had her of this dude she had fallen in love with. That is how dark the internet can be. That is what happens when we all have access to each other. We can change each other. We can change each other's lives for the worst. I know right now you feel bad for Beth, don't.

Okay? She got him back. Over the course of a decade, she banged all of their dads. I told you she was intense. She felt the need to up the auntie. Because that's not all she did. She married one. And we honestly don't know if that's still part of it. Maybe she loves this man or maybe she's like, you got me good in

high school and now I'm your mom. I'm gonna write you out of the will. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha. Now I'm Josh Johnson, thanks so much. You have a great night. Thank you so much for coming out. I can't believe we did. We did it. Give it up their selves again. Thank you all so much. I appreciate it.

Thank you so much. One second. I feel like I would be, I'd be making a huge mistake if I didn't say an extra thing right now. So a lot of you can't know, this thing was supposed to happen a year ago. And because of the pandemic, we had to hold it and hold it, we wanted to do it in a way that made everybody safe,

and everybody could still have a good time. And so I'm not, I know I'm up here, but I'm not the on, I'm not the on, I'm not the o'n, I'm not the o'n't thap, I'm not thap, I'm not thin, I'm not thin, I'm not thin, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, but I'm not the only one that put a lot of work and a lot of sweat and tears. People who couldn't even be here night, they have to like zoom in from LA, so I hope I don't have a lag, they'll think I was bombing. But like, but please, I want you to give it up for Comedy Central, give it up for Viacom, give it up for your director, David Paul Meyer. Good up for all the amazing people that have kept us safe tonight. Every person that has kept your mask off you, all the stuff, please. And one last thing, I, this has been so important to me. It's been one of the most important things in my life.

I grew up watching Comedy Central. I grew up watching specials. And so now to have one is absolutely insane. It's a dream come true and you will all part of that. And I want to thank you so much for being here and for being part of it. You mean the world to me. You really do. And honestly, if last year year year year year year year year year year year year year year to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi thi, if you thi, to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have the world, the world to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have the world, the world, the world, the world, the world, the world, the world, the world the world the world the world the world the world the world the world the world the world the world the world the world the world the world to me., to have to have to have the world to me., to me. to me. to me. you really do. And honestly, if last year toss anything, it is to do whatever it is that you want, whatever it is, if you think you can't do it, if you think you won't be able to do it, you will eventually, you just give it

time, and I promise you, if you don't give up, I promise you you can make things happen, okay? A couple people have said that I inspire them to do comedy, everything, but I hope I can inspire you to do whatever it is that you want. It's so important, especially now. Life is precious and it's not promised, you know? I've had people ask me what I feel like my life would be like if I didn't follow my dreams. You know, if I didn't get on a plane from Louisiana and move to Chicago to start doing comedy and just be dirt poor and doing open mics until I finally got comfortable in Chicago and then I

was scared to move to New York but I did that too and people asked me what what I think my life would be like if if I didn't get on those planes if I didn't take those chances if I didn't meet Trevor Noah and I have to tell him I guess we'll never know. Thank you so much. You guys have a great night I appreciate it. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you. This has been a special presentation of Trevor Noah Presents Josh Johnson. HASHTONSON go to Josh Johnson Plus. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 minutes.. the the minutes. to about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at, that's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News, listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th,

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