The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Trump to Women: "I Will Be Your Protector" | Aubrey Plaza

Episode Date: September 25, 2024

Desi Lydic rounds up male politicians' insulting appeals to female voters and then addresses North Carolina gubernatorial candidate Mark Robinson's salacious porn-forum comments about his sister-in-law. Meanwhile, people think vice presidential candidate Tim Walz is nice. But is he... too nice? Later, Aubrey Plaza talks about starring in Francis Ford Coppola’s “Megalopolis,” and who served as her inspiration when playing a corrupt journalist. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

As a kid growing up in Chicago, there was one horror movie I was too scared to watch. It was called Candyman. It was about this supernatural killer who would attack his victims if they said his name five times into a bathroom mirror. But did you know that the movie Candyman was partly inspired by an actual murder? I was struck by both how spooky it was, but also how outrageous it was. Listen to Candyman, the true story behind the Bathroom Mirror Murder, early and ad-free, starting September 26th with a 48 hours plus subscription

on Apple podcasts. You're listening to Comedy Central. From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central, it's America's only source for news. This is The Daily Show with your host, Desi Lydic. Welcome to The Daily Show. I'm Desi Lydic. We've got so much to talk about tonight. Donald Trump begs women to take him back.

Mark Robinson wants his scandal to climax and finish already. And we get to know the real Tim Walsh. But first, let's talk about women. Did you know they can vote? Let's take a look at the men trying to win their support in a special edition of Indecision 2024. Those graphics cost 10% more because they were pink. Let's start with Donald Trump.

According to polls, he's deeply unpopular with women. Maybe it's because of his legally adjudicated record of sexual assault. Maybe he forgot their birthdays. It's hard to say. But the fact is, he needs to win them back. And he knows it. So last night, he turned on the old Trump charm. Sadly, women are poorer than they were four years ago.

Much poorer. Are less healthy than they were four years ago. Are less safe on the streets than they were four years ago. Are more stressed and depressed and unhappy. Ooh! Excuse me, you really know how to flatter a lady. Please tell me more about the bags under my eyes. I love how he's acknowledging that we're stressed out

as though he's not the one stressing us out. This is like Boeing being like, weird how people seem so freaked out about air travel these days. Although it's not true that all women are poor, E. Jean Carroll seems to be doing pretty well. But Trump is a master marketer. That's how you sell things to women. You convince them that they have a problem and then you say, here, buy these vagina

gummies. And yes, in this analogy, Trump is the vagina gummy. I believe that. I will fix all of that and fast. You will no longer be abandoned, lonely or scared. You will no longer be in danger. You or scared. You will no longer be in danger. You're not gonna be in danger any longer. You will no longer have anxiety from all of the problems

our country has today. Women will be happy, healthy, confident, and free. You will be protected, and I will be your protector. Oh! You will be protected and I will be your protector. Oh! Uh, I'm actually meeting someone here. I have a boyfriend. Thank you so much, though. Thank you!

Thank you! I know what you're thinking. How can Trump expect women to support him when he took away abortion rights? Well, luckily, he has an answer for that. You will no longer be thinking about abortion? Because we've done something that nobody else could have done. It is now where it always had to be with the states and they vote of the people.

Yes, the states where women live. Remember that thing that you could always depend on because it was legal everywhere? Well, now it's up for a vote every two years in every jurisdiction forever. That feels better, right? No need to think. Don't think.

Just don't think. But Trump isn't the only one not thinking clearly about abortion. Republicans up and down the ballot are having trouble with it, like Ohio's Bernie Moreno. He's the Republican nominee in a pivotal Senate race. It's high stakes, so try not to piss off half your constituents. Republican Senate candidate Bernie Moreno is getting harsh backlash tonight because of comments he made over the weekend about

women who support reproductive rights. You know the left has a lot of single issue voters. Sadly by the way there's a lot of suburban women. A lot of suburban women they're like listen, abortion's it. If I can't have an abortion in this country whenever I want, I will vote for anybody else. Okay, a little crazy by the way, but especially for women that are like past 50, I think it was on. It's an issue for you.

Oh! Yeah, how dare a woman who can't get pregnant care about abortion? Only men who can't get pregnant are allowed to care about the birth. People should only care about issues that affect their bodies. Why do you care about it, Bernie Moreno? It's abortion, not the rising price of extra small condoms. But of course, the winner of this week's shitty men competition has to be North Carolina's Mark Robinson.

Candidate for governor and horny Carl Winslow. Last week it was reported that Robinson spent years posting on the porn website nude Africa comm Yeah, he called himself a black Nazi and wished he could buy slaves He talked about his love for trans porn even though in public he denounces trans people and he allegedly wrote detailed Fantasies about his wife's sister that are so explicit I only feel comfortable reading them to you if I replace all the nasty words with the word smurf. So here we go. Okay here it is. Right when I was really pumping this smurf shoot good she shot a

long hot stream of smurf up in the air that covered my chest and Smurf. It was so smurfing hot. She was smurfing, I was smurfing, she was smurfing, and I was covered in Smurf and Smurf juice and Smurf. Damn. There goes my childhood. There goes my childhood. Now normally even if one of these things were reported about you'd probably lay low for a while but Mark Robinson is not a normal person. New this morning Republican Mark Robinson fiery and defiant. While this country is literally facing a crisis situation on the world stage, while our border is wide open, while our businesses are struggling,

while folks are dying from fentanyl, while crime is spiraling out of control. You folks want to focus on tabloid trash, and quite frankly, I am sick of it. Yeah! People, listen up. There are real issues at stake here. Inflation is so high, America's MILFs can't afford to pay their pool boys.

Utilities are so expensive, young men are forced to shower with their stepmoms. Cities are so strapped, the MTA is raising prices on the bang bus. American families are so poor, they're living ass to mouth, and immigrants are stealing all our jobs, hand and blow. Laughter. Applause.

For more on this scandal, we go live to North Carolina with Dulcé Sloan. Applause. Dulcé, how do you think this Mark Robinson scandal is going to affect the female vote? My, my, hell! Jolsae, how do you think this Mark Robinson scandal is going to affect the female vote? The female vote? No, no, no. Women shouldn't have to respond to this.

This Mark Robinson guy is a problem for men. He's confirmed all our greatest fears about them, that they just want to cheat on their spouses and watch porn all day. In fact, I want a man to answer for this. With Josh. Josh Johnson, show yourself. Put a camera on Josh.

Oh. Oh. Josh, answer for Mark Robinson right now. What? Is there a camera in my house? How'd you put a camera in my house? Josh, answer for Mark Robinson right now. What? Is there a camera in my house?

How'd you put a camera in my house? I'm an Airbnb super host, baby. I can sneak a camera into any room in America, but that's not important. You need to tell me right now you're not leaving Nazi comments on porn websites. What? I bet you're jerking off right now. You can see both my hands. I don't know how you little freaks do it.

I'm eating. Who eats and watches porn? Jared from Subway. Yeah. Next question. Desi, help me out. Answer the question, Josh. Are you watching porn? I'm watching a documentary on industrial farm animals. So you can f*** them. LAUGHTER

Yeah, see? Nasty. I bet you go to the last page of Pornhub. It's not porn. Oh, so you've never watched porn? Don't say. LAUGHTER My mama watches this show. Don't make me say... See, I knew it. I bet you're on nudeafrica.com right now.

I've never even heard of that website. Oh, so you're saying you don't find black women attractive? Yeah. Josh! When did I say that? You know what, you nasty, get this nasty man off my screen. He makes me sick. He makes me sick. There you have it, Desi. Why did I say that? You know what, you nasty, get this nasty man off my screen. He makes me sick, he makes me sick.

There you have it, Desi. Clearly, men like Josh Johnson will be voting in record numbers for Mark Robinson. I'm not! So when you go to vote, bring the Purell ladies, because that voting machine lover is not the only thing they're hankin' on. Duly noted, Dulce Slo to Josh Johnson, everyone." We come back with shocking truth about Tim Walz, so don't go away.

-♪ As a kid growing up in Chicago, there was one horror movie I was too scared to watch. It was called Candyman. The scary cult classic was set in the Chicago housing project. It was about this supernatural killer who would attack his victims if they said his name five times into a bathroom mirror. Candyman.

Candyman? Now we all know chanting a name won't make a killer magically appear, but did you know that the movie Candyman was partly inspired by an actual murder? I was struck by both how spooky it was, but also how outrageous it was. We're going to talk to the people who were there, and we're also going to uncover the larger story. My architect was shocked when he saw how this was created. Literally shocked. And we'll look at what the story tells us

about injustice in America. If you really believed in tough on crime, then you wouldn't make it easy to crawl into medicine cabinets and kill our women. Listen to Candyman, the true story behind the bathroom mirror murder. Early and ad-free starting September 26th with a 48 hours plus subscription on Apple podcasts.

We'll be the first vice presidential debate so let's get to know one of the two men will be on that stage and another installment of the Daily Showography. Boy, that Tim Walls fellow sure seems nice. A little too nice. Tim Walls' job is to be the Jack Kevorkian for America. His job is to be the assisted suicide doctor, to lean over charmingly by the bedside of America and to give it a fatal injection. Close your eyes, America. It'll all be over soon. This is the Daily Show-ography of Tim Walz.

Radically nice. Sponsored by Trump Vance and Project 2025. Timothy James Walls had a dangerously folksy upbringing. My town had 400 people in it, 24 kids in my graduating class, 12 were cousins, 12 were cousins. He developed a taste for blood from his father and grandfather, who owned a meat locker, and was indoctrinated into communism while working on a farm, where he evenly distributed fertilizer, regardless of which crops worked the hardest. Soon, Walls was recruited to join the National Guard, where he admitted to swindling our brave troops.

I willingly say I got four more out of the military than they got out of me. Disgusting. That government welfare paid for him to attend an elite Ivy League style school in the globalist nexus of Chadron, Nebraska. Not surprisingly, Walls used his education degree to get a job teaching America's future enemies in Communist China. In China, Walls worked at a Chinese school, teaching armies of Chinese students who were from China. After completing his Chinese brainwashing, Walls returned to the Midwest, where he indoctrinated decent

American children with his social studies, forcing them to read textbooks and look at maps. Now safely undercover in Minnesota, Walls married fellow teacher Gwen Whipple. And where do you think they honeymooned? That's right, China. To this day, he still doesn't try to hide his allegiance. Nimen hama. Happy Chinese New Year of the pig.

Gong hei fa tsoi. Walls' sinister niceness couldn't be contained by a classroom. It started bleeding into after school activities when he took a position coaching football, the same sport CIA operative Travis Kelsey plays as part of his Taylor Swift Psi-Op. But it's no surprise Walls ended up a football coach. It was in his blood to crave the touch of dead pig flesh. From there it was a

small step to his most evil act of kindness yet, grooming children to be nice to each other. They asked if I would be interested in helping start a gay straight alliance group. You have an older, white, straight, married, male football coach who's deeply concerned that these students are treated fairly and that there's no bullying. But being nice to children wasn't enough for this sicko. He wanted to be nice to a whole congressional district. After winning a seat, Walls charged in on day one, just dripping with entitlement.

Holy cow. Look at the door. My own restroom. Pooping on the taxpayers' dime. You know where else they have government restrooms? China. Before long, this ambitious zealot set his sights on an even fancier place to poop. The governor's office.

His opponent tried desperately to warn people. I think Tim Walz is an affable individual who has a wonderful smile. Oh! But it was too late. Walls seized power. And within days, the state was overwhelmed by riots in the streets and a deadly virus from guess where?

To no one's surprise, Governor Walls unleashed a fury of radically nice policies. And the nicest of all, free breakfast and lunch for school kids. You know who else gave kids free food? That witch who ate Hansel and Gretel. A nice fat chicken! Walls transformed Minnesota beyond recognition, even renaming its very roads after bizarre pop stars who would make less confident men question their own sexuality. This is the coolest bill signing that we will ever do. Sure, if you like your little Corvettes. Red.

And his dark addictions don't end with pop music. Whether it's fixing cars, coin collecting, butter carving, or owning guns and hunting. Wait, no, skip that one, that's normal. The point is, Walls is a mad man who dabbles in elitist predilections ranging from oat cuisine. I'm a corn dog guy.

To oat couture. I'm wearing corn dog socks just to be clear for everyone. So it's no wonder that when Kamala Harris needed a henchman for her extremist takeover of America, there was only one man for the job. The most neglected part of homeownership is the gutters. Drink some water, folks. It is hot out. The grass is green. The coffee's hot. We're close to putting the hay in the barn and getting this thing done. And that's why Tim Walz truly is radically nice.

I think I live the most boring life of anyone you've ever met. Audrey Ponger will be joining me on this show, so don't go away. And we'll be right back. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It was about this supernatural killer who would attack his victims if they said his name five times into a bathroom mirror. Candyman.

Candyman? Now we all know chanting a name won't make a killer magically appear, but did you know that the movie Candyman was partly inspired by an actual murder? I was struck by both how spooky it was, but also how outrageous it was. We're going to talk to the people who were there, and we're also going to uncover the larger story. My architect was shocked when he saw how this was created. Literally shocked. And we'll look at what the story tells us

about injustice in America. If you really believed in tough on crime, then you wouldn't make it easy to crawl into medicine cabinets and kill our women. Listen to Candyman, the true story behind the bathroom mirror murder, starting October 3rd, wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back to The Daily Show. My guest tonight isn't any nominated actor

who stars in two upcoming films, My Old Ass and Megalopolis. Please welcome Aubrey Plaza! ["My Old Ass and Megalopolis"] Ah, hello, man! I don't want to do that but it does feel good on my broken knee. How is your broken knee by the way? I don't want to do that the whole time. It's doing great. No you committed and that's what we're doing.

We're doing this the whole time. Because it feels right. Like it or not. It really does feel good. Does it? Help keep it up there. I don't give a f**k. This is basic cable.

Who's even watching now? OK. How Aubrey injured herself doing something very cool playing basketball. Not like me when I tweaked my back because I slept the wrong way. No. I've done that too. It's true. I was playing basketball WNBA All-Star Weekend in Phoenix at their brand new beautiful practice facility and it was a very

casual game that ended tragically. I wasn't even being guarded. It was very embarrassing to do that. I just went up for a shot and then came down weird. And then the entire Team USA staff of doctors, you know. They were there. Oh, yeah. To rush in. Oh, yeah. I think actually I could be wrong,

but I might have been the first injury report on the Team USA roster. I'm not kidding. You should have led with that. That's like number one. Yeah, I think it's true. I know you probably have to be a little bit tight-lipped about the plot of this Coppola film, Megalopolis,

but I think it's apparent from the clip that we just watched. This is the tragic story of a very disgruntled elevator operator. Yes. What is she so disgruntled about? Well, you know, she, her dog got killed in a very, um... Oh. Sorry. No. No. No.

No. Aubrey, no. Oh, no. She, um... She wants money, she wants power, she wants to get out of that elevator. Yes, she's been in there for far too long. Nothing will stop her. You, in all seriousness, you play a morally corrupt journalist. How much Tucker Carlson footage did you have to study for this character?

I mean I actually in all seriousness I did watch a lot of Fox News. Did you? To study, to yeah to research my role as a corrupt journalist. I did. How high are your therapy bills now? High, Very high. Yeah. What was that like being, I mean, a f***ing Coppola film?

That's enormous. Wild. I still can't believe it. We had the premiere last night and I was sitting around going, like, I cannot believe I'm in this movie. It's insane. Yeah. It's such a, yeah, he's such a legend and, you know, an icon. It's like, it doesn't feel real.

And I heard that he treated the set almost like theater camp. There was a lot of improv and rehearsal. Is that true? Oh, yeah. He, yeah, I mean, Francis loves actors. He loves the process. And he set up a week of rehearsals. And I didn't really know what I was getting myself into,

but I found out very quickly that anything can happen. And it's not about reading the lines on the page, it's about doing whatever games come to his mind on that day. Different kinds of games. Yeah, but it was kind of amazing, because it was a mind meld. We all kind of, it was like an old timey kind of amazing, because it was a mind meld. We all kind of, you know, it was like an old, you know, timey kind of theater troupe.

We all kind of, like, you know, connected, and our defenses fell away, and it was fun. Did you love that? Because you come from improv theater, sketch comedy, as a comedic actor coming up. Was that like, oh, yeah, I get to roll up my sleeves? Or were you like, um, I memorize my lines? Um, you know, to be honest, it was a little bit of both. I mean, yeah, I get to roll up my sleeves? Or were you like, um, I memorize my lines? Um, you know, to be honest, it was a little bit of both.

I mean, yeah, I like to do it. I love improvising in general. But, you know, yeah. I mean, there was one day, I remember, I walked in, and there was a little wooden platform with a microphone and one of his interns with, like old timey spotlight kind of like that. And I walked in and he said, it's time for the wow show, which is my character in the movie.

Wow, put on the show. And everyone started clapping and it was like, this is a nightmare. This is like actually like literally like what happens in nightmares. He wanted you to improvise the wow show. Yes. And there was no, that was it. It was just, I saw the stage the spotlight and the Mike and he had set it all up, you know audio visually

style. And it was there was not do that it's you by the way you you are the person who can go in and not that I mean I don't know what I did I think I was like I was doing like Judy Garland like 5. I'm saying all the lines from random hearts, you know, if Kirsten Scott Thomas and Harrison Ford. Yeah, I don't remember. Did he call you by your character name,

wow platinum the entire time? Yes, he still does. Was that confusing? Like when he went wow, were you like, are you calling my name or did I have a good take? No, I think it was helpful for him. We really were on the same page, him and I. I felt like he totally, no, it didn't feel weird at all.

And it still doesn't when he calls me wow. I just immediately slip back in and do that, and then I slip back out. Just start spreading conspiracy theory. It's just like Megyn Kelly out there. I'd love to, yeah. Yeah. You're not just starring in a Coppola film. You also have a Marvel show coming out.

Yes, Agatha. Agatha all along. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Marvel. You also have a Sundance darling called My Old Ass. Yes, My Old Ass. Talk to us about My Old Ass, the movie, not My Old Ass. Or do, I don't know, go on. Okay, My Old Ass, yes. It is in theaters now. And it's a very funny title for a movie that

is so heartwarming and like, oh my god, I cry every time I see it. And it's about a girl called Elliot, who's the summer before she leaves home for college, she does a mushroom trip with her friends, and she meets her old ass, her 39-year-old self, played by me, her old ass, as she calls me, during the mushroom trip.

And then it's kind of this amazing movie about your 39-year-old self talking to your younger self and going, like, don't do this and do this. And it's just awesome. It's really good. Maisie Stella is incredible. And Megan Park, the writer-director, she knocked it out of the park, no pun intended. As they say, as she was born to do so.

As she was born to do. It's such a sweet movie. It's so funny and it's so heartwarming. And you're wonderful in it. Thank you. And it does sort of beg the question, like, if you could go back in time and give yourself advice and make a different choice, would you do that?

Do you feel like you would go back in time and change anything? There's things I would say to myself that I can't, that I'd say not to do that I can't say on television. No, go on. Go on. This is a safe space. Maybe not go back in time and tear your ACL. Um, on January 7th, um, you know, 1999.

Um... They got you to say January 6th. I was gonna say, this is... We should... This could be incriminating. I know. January 7th, why did I... Okay. I don't know why I picked that. Are you the kind of person that's just like, no, everything happens for a reason. It led me to where I am now. I think I am. I don't know why I picked that. Are you the kind of person that's just like, no, everything happens for a reason.

It led me to where I am now. I think I am. I think I am. I think I'm that person. Because I did a whole press jug with Maisie, and we got asked this question all day. And it was giving me like an existential crisis by like hour four because I was like, I don't know. I don't know what I would say to my older self.

And people are like, what would you say? Did not, you know, that's the question you would ask. But I was like, I don't know. And I thought, you know what I would say to my older self. And people are like, what would you say? That's the question you would ask. But I was like, I don't know. And I thought, you know what I really want is I want my old ass, like for me now is my ass, and then my older ass. I want like 75-year-old me to like appear to me right now. 75-year-old you now.

Now. Do you think about what your 75 year old self would tell you right now in this moment? I try to imagine it because when I'm like thinking about, I don't know, anything, I just feel like, I don't know, I just feel like I'm going to be that age and like I already don't kind of like care or something. But I feel like at 75 I'm really not gonna care oh my god that's gonna be really good should we you know what I mean should we take mushrooms right now I'll take more but

yes yes I wish Comedy Central can't pay for that. Oh, I understand. No, no. Sashir, your co-star in Agatha All Along, was here last week and she was asked, it's a very witchy show, she plays a witch, you play a witch, she was asked, who would you choose in your dream coven? So I'm curious if you could come up with a dream coven of witches, who would you choose?

Okay. Kamala Harris. Just for fun. And Judy Davis. Thank you. Judy Davis, I would say Mia Farrow, Patti LuPone, Faye Dunaway, just all the, you know what I mean? And then Nicholas Cage, just to like round it out. I would love to join your coven, by the way. Oh, and you do, of course you. Thank you, I mean, it's fine. We'll just, it's okay, it's all right. Let me talk to Judy and-

Do you wanna go back in time and change your answer just to throw me in the mix? You have drugs that I can take first. Yes, we'll get to that. Thank you so much for being on. Congratulations on everything. Thank you. Aubrey Plaza!

Megalopolis is in theaters in IMAX everywhere on September 27. Aubrey Plaza, everyone! Everyone! Yeah! Oh! Oh! Great to be right back. Yeah. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! That's our show for tonight. Now here it is, your moment of death.

Your moment. How does that man do it? You know, we lead our lives, right, to and from work. We got stress. This guy, what he does, the energy, he is relentless. I think that is the perfect word. Explore more shows from The Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.

Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. Paramount Podcasts. As a kid growing up in Chicago, there was one horror movie I was too scared to watch. It was called Candyman. It was about this supernatural killer who'd attack his victims if they said his name five times into a bathroom mirror. But did you know that the movie Candyman was partly inspired by an actual murder? I was struck by both how spooky it was, but also how outrageous it was.

Listen to Candyman, the true story behind the bathroom mirror murder, starting October 3rd, wherever you get your podcasts.