The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Trump's Classified Documents

Episode Date: June 13, 2023

Donald Trump has been indicted..for a second time for the mishandling of classified documents. We take a look back at the headlines about Trump clogging toilets with printed papers, what was in the boxes Donald Trump took from the White House, and his litany of excuses, ranging from blaming Barack Obama to “Everyone takes work home with them.”See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Donald, Johnson and Johnson baby powder Trump. The ex-president most likely to be a surprise judge at a wet t-shirt contest. Yesterday, the government office that keeps presidential records asked the Justice Department to investigate Trump's improper handling of official documents. And like, at this point, I'm wondering if there are any laws that Trump hasn't broken. You know? Like, if there was a Guinness Book of World Records for crime, he'd probably steal the book.

But yeah, according to reports, Trump would rip up papers after he read them. Right, he took boxes of material with him to Marilago. And now we're learning that Trump did the most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most Right? He took boxes of material with him to Maralago. And now we're learning that Trump did the most Trump thing that he possibly could have done with some of these documents. We are beginning with breaking news. Staff members at the White House residents discovered wads of printed paper in a clogged toilet on more than one occasion during the Trump administration

and believed that it was the former president himself who was trying to flush documents. I learned that staff in the White House residents would periodically find the toilet clogged, the engineer would have to come and fix it and what the engineer would find would be wads of clumped-up, wet-printed paper, meaning it was not toilet paper. It could be postits, it could be notes he wrote to himself to find to find to to to to the documents, to their, their, their, their, th, th, their, th, th, th, th, th, thuui, thui, thui, thui, thui, thui, thui, thui, thui, th, th, th, th, th, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thiiii.e, thi.e, thi.e, thrui.eauiiii.cuiiiiiiiiiuuiuiuiuiuiuiuiuiuiuiuiui. documents, know, meaning it was not toilet paper. It could be post-its, it could be notes he wrote to himself, it could be other things we don't know, but it certainly does add, as you said, another dimension to what we know about how he handled material in the White House. You know, it's so funny how in every scandal involving Trump and documents, none of them involve him reading them. And by the way, I will say this.

I know it's easy for us to all go, Trump was trying to obstruct justice. That's what this was. But you do remember at the start of the pandemic, there was a shortage of what? And I don't know about you guys, but when there's no toilet paper, State documents start to look mighty tempting. It also does explain why Trump was always complaining about toilets.

You remember how he always did that? People are flushing toilets ten times, fifteen times, as opposed to once. They end up using more water. Yeah, they're flushing ten times, fifteen times. times, the times. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're they're they're they're their their their their their their their their their their their their. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They fl. They fl. They fl. They fl. They fl. They fl. They're fl. They're fl- they flushing the flushing they flushing they flushing they flushing they flushing they flushing they flushing they flushing they flushing they flushing the flushing the flushing their flushing the- the- the- times, no dude, you were flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times because you were shoving your homework down the toilets. I mean, everyone assumed he was a man who clogged the White House toilets, but no one ever thought we'd have to ask the question, but with what? Now, of course, Trump denies all of this. He says he never clogged any toilets ever. Smoothest poo of all time. Oh my God!

The FBI raided Donald Trump's house in Marilago. The FBI people raided a former president's house. This is huge. This is bigger than when the feds investigated Bill Clinton for doing mouth stuff with that saxophone. And by the way, by the way, this raid, just so you know, has nothing to do with January 6th or tax fraud or giving the White House plumber PTSD. No, apparently, apparently this investigation is about Trump taking classified documents from the White House. And honestly, you know, I'm amazed that Trump has time for all of this crime. Like at any moment, at any moment,

Trump's got a crime that he's covering up, he's got a crime that he's doing now, he's got a crime that he's plotting for the future. He's like the Steve Harvey, but of crimes, you know? Every day, I'm like, earlier this year, the feds already had to go down to Marilago and take back 15 boxes of documents that Trump wasn't supposed to have, but apparently they think there's more hidden on the property. And I believe that, I believe that too.

I mean, like, Trump's not going to keep records in a filing cabinet like a normal person. It was the same dude who buried his ex-wife on a golf course. I mean, think about that. And yes, it is totally unprecedented for the FBI to raid the home of a former precedent. That is true. That has never happened in American history. But don't forget, Donald Trump has also never happened in American history. Everything is an anomaly with this man. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I th. I th. I th. I th. I mean, I mean, th. I mean, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. think, think, th. think, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Everything is an anomaly with this man. I mean like why do you think a book from one of his staffers comes out every single week? Because every single person he interacts with is like, yo, have I got a f-ed-up story for you?

And wouldn't it be weird if this is the thing that takes Trump down? We thought it would be something like that takes Trump down? We thought it would be something like conspiracy or bribery or blackmail, but no, Trump's got busted for taking work home with him. What a nerd! Now, obviously, President Trump recognizes the gravity of this situation, which is why he has refrained from comment while the legal process is playing, I'm joking with you, come on. The guy released a statement immediately, immediately, he read, these are dark times for our nation.

As my beautiful home, Maralago, in Palm Beach, Florida, is currently under siege, rated and occupied, by a large group of FBI agents. They even broke into my safe. What's the difference between this and Watergate? What's the difference? I love that even while he's complaining, he slips in that the thing is beautiful. How could they do this to my beautiful home? Also, this is completely different from Watergate.

All right? For one thing, the guys breaking into Watergate didn't need to clean old ketchup stains off the documents, but the other big thing, the other big difference is that the raid was legal, all right, was approved by a federal judge, approved by the head of the FBI, who, by the way, was appointed by Donald Trump himself, after he got rid of like 17 other heads of the FBI. Because they didn't want to do crimes of Donald Trump. So now, the big mystery is, what did the FBI find? Well, according to Donald Trump's third favorite son, the only thing the FBI took was his heart.

What could they possibly think existed? Inside of Moralago, in a box that was taken from the White House that was so damaging that the FBI director and the Attorney General of the United States would have to raid a fall-on-the-president's residence and grab everything out of there. I don't know, they'll probably find a note for me telling him how proud I am of him and what great job he was doing his president. They might find some pictures of my kids, maybe some headlines, maybe a nice note from you, Sean. Oh, Eric. You silly, silly man. Did Daddy tell you that's where your letters to him go?

Hidden away somewhere safe? They're just too important to show anybody or acknowledge it anyway, Eric. That's why I locked them up right next to my wedding ring. That's what I do. Now, aside from the boxes that they took, the FBI also looked inside Trump's safe, which is very dramatic. Like, because apparently they had to break into it, right? So now you're like, how do they do it?

Did they blow it open? Or did they just correctly guessed the code was 69-69. Honestly, I'd be surprised. I would actually be surprised if they found White House documents in Trump's safe. Because a safe is where you keep your most prized possessions. Yeah. So in my head, fetching through Trump's safe would probably go a lot more like this. All right, guys, let's see what we have in here. All right, my God, the entire safe is just filled with MacRib after McRib.

This is, this is, they're stacked on top of each other. This is, I don't even understand, it's an unventilated safe. Who would do this? Wait, wait, wait, hold on. There's a secret panel in the bottom. I think we found it. We just found, nope, another MacRib boys, another MacRib. Now, you might be wondering, you might be wondering, you might be wondering, isn't this an extremely explosive situation for the United States? Yes, it is.

You don't want to let a former president get away with crimes, right? Because nobody in America is above the law, except corporations and rich people and police and celebrities sometimes. But aside from them, nobody is above the law. But at the same time, even the perception that the Justice Department is being used to go after your political opponents, that could erode people's trust in government. So it's a really tricky situation. And the only thing we can do is wait and see how the investigation unfolds. Or if you're Fox News, you can just freak out right now.

This is an abomination. This is Gestapo crap. It's probably the worst day in the history of the FBI. This is a wake-up call for those in Congress to be able to use the tools at their disposal to defund the FBI, dismantle the FBI into a thousand bits. Representative Marjorie Taylor Green simply tweeting, defund the FBI. If this is what they're able to do to the former president of the United States, think about what they could do to you, to anybody in America. The real target of this investigation this investigation, th. T. A th. Aeeee. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. I. I. I. I. I. I. I th. I. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I is, th. I, th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. th. th. the the the the th. the real target of this investigation isn't Trump. The real target of this investigation is you. Do we have a dual justice system in America?

Is there equal justice under the law? I am deathly afraid for Donald Trump. I would not put assassination behind these people. We're entering a bin. Basically a Venezuelan, Simbabwean, East German-style banana Republican, which the law doesn't matter. This is some third world bullshit right here.

Let me say it again, third world bullshit. All right, first of all, as someone from the third world bullshit, right here, this is a third world, maybe leave us out of your shit, huh? How about that? How about that? This is some third world bullshit right here. This is stuff. Every time, every time Americans want to call something in America that is corrupt, all of a sudden they're like, oh, this is third world bullshit. My man, at what point do you realize that it's happening here? It's you.

It's you. It's you. Bad things only only only only only only only it's here, it's still happening in another country. In fact, when something happens in the actual third world, yeah, these days America's gotten so bad, people in Africa are like, are you kidding me? This is just like America. Ah, no. This place is turning into America.

What are we doing here, huh? What are we doing here? But I do get what to the Super Karen is saying is saying is saying is saying is saying is saying is saying is saying is saying, the, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, the, to say, tha, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi.a.a.a.a. thi.a.a.a.a.a. thi.a. thi.a. thi.a. thi. thi. thi, is. If the FBI is going to go after Trump for stealing classified documents from the White House, then what's to stop them from going off to you when you steal classified documents from the White House? Is that the country we want to live in where anyone can be investigated just for the crime of doing crimes? I don't think so.

I don't think so. Remember how last week the FBI took an eight-hour vacation to Maralago and went home with a bunch of souvenirs? Well, we all had the same question. What were they looking for at Donald Trump's house? This weekend, we all found out. This morning the newly unsealed search warrant shedding light on what exactly FBI agents were looking for at Maralago and what they seized. According to the documents made public records, their documents,

agents were searching for evidence of three potential crimes, violations of the Espionage Act, unlawful removal of public records, and obstruction of justice by concealing, altering, or destroying records to impede an investigation. They found 27 boxes of government records including 11 sets of classified documents. Four sets of documents were marked top secret, and one marked top secret SCI. A classification reserved for some of the most sensitive intelligence and national security information, typically only viewed in a highly secure location. Yeah, that's right. It turns out Trump didn't just have top secret documents. They were

top secret SCI. What does SCI stand for you asked? That's also top secret, you dumb ass. I'll be honest. I didn't even know you could have a level of secret above top. Did you know this? Yeah, I also don't think it makes sense, right? That's the point of top. If there's something above top, then top is middle. You know? Yeah, top is top, people, like top, gun. If someone else come in and then they're like topper a their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thoppern't thopper. thoppea thoppe a thopp is thoppe is thopp is thop is thoppe is thopp is thop, thop is thop is thop is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top is top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top top. Top. Top. Top. Top. Top. Top. Top. Top. Top. Top. If. Top. If their stuff. Top. If someone. If someone. If someone. If someone. If someone. If someone. If some. Top is their. Top is top is. Top is top is top is top is top isthen they're like top a gun, I want my money back. That's not what I was promised. Not to mention, if something is top, but then we find out that there's something above that, then how do we know that's not the final thing? Then there could be something about that? Because there's no exist? Like, what does this mean? Who are we... I'm having a panic attack right now. Stop the show!

Stop the show! Stop the... So, it turns out Donald Trump was in possession of top-secret documents he wasn't supposed to have. And look, I'm not victim blaming here, but if you ask me, the government is partly responsible. They're partly responsible for labeling the files, top secret. Yeah, because think about it.

Nobody wants to read boxes of government documents, but if it says top secret on it, now everyone's interested. It's the same way you don't label your porn folder, porn. The government should do what we do. Just put secrets in a folder called taxes 2012 to 2017? Yeah, I've done that my whole life.

My only screw up was I did this when I was 12 years old. And then my mother was like, what taxes are you paying when you're 12? And then she busted me for porn and tax evasion. Anyway, the point is, no matter what they labeled, Donald Trump wasn't supposed to have these documents at his house. And in case you're wondering, why these documents are top, top, top, top secret will hold on to your butts, because what Trump took home could blow them right off. The Washington Post documents, that is the highest level. It does not get any more serious than that.

Some of this could be information about adversaries. Some of this could be about nuclear weapon design. Some of this could be about our nuclear arsenals or our launch procedures. Are you shilling me? Donald Trump might have kept the world's nuclear secrets in his basement at Marilago? The same place Rudy Giuliani sleeps to avoid the sunlight? That is so irresponsible! Because you realize the worst case scenario with these documents is that Trump sold them to like Saudi Arabia. The best case scenario is that he just lay in bed with them and rubbed him all over his naked body.

Actually not, I'm going to flip that. The worst case scenario is that he rubbed them naked on his body. Hopefully he just sold him to the Saudis, hopefully, hopefully. Oh, and by the way, just today, to today, today, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the their their their, their their, their, their their their their their, their their their their their their, their their their, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th.. th. the, the, the. to to to th. to toda. to to to th. to to th. to the the the. their their their whole saga, Trump posted that in the raid by the FBI of Maralago, they stole my three passports, one expired, along with everything else. And I can see why Trump is pissed if they took his passports. I mean, he's the guy who wanted to build the wall, and now he's gonna need to sneak into Mexico, come as a bitch. He's just... Also, why does Donald Trump even need a passport?

There is no one on earth that looks or sounds like this man. No one. He could land on a distant planet, and the aliens, they would be... Prada, we've seen TV, welcome Donald Trump. He's like, thank you now, you, you, you, you, you, you, th you, th you, th you, th you, th you, th you, th you, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, th- th- th- thi! thi, thank, th- th- th- th- th- thi! He's just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th-a, th-a, thi, thanks, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, than, a Prada we've seen TV, welcome Donald Trump. He's like, thank you now please take me to your three-boobbed woman. And by the way you do realize there's a 15% chance Trump just misplaced his passport right? It's possible. It happens all the time. You think the FBI took something and you find in your your sock drawer. Yeah, like for all you know, maybe Melania moved them. You know, it's like, oh no, I guess now I have to go back to Slovenia by myself.

Bye, Donald. Bye. You know, you know what's been the most fun? The most fun in all of this is how Trump and the red caps are working so hard to invent new excuses for why this crime wasn't a crime. Because you remember when the story first broke, right, they were saying things like, there's nothing at Marilago except a bunch of notes from Eric and if they did find something the FBI must have planted it. Well, forget all of it.

That's like two days ago, right? They've got a fresh shipment of excuses today, starting with, it was homework. The former president is offering a new line of defense for taking these documents to his Marlaga home. A statement released by Trump's office Friday night contends that everyone takes work home sometimes. Yeah, no, no, you know what, that what that's true everyone does take work home sometimes, but not Donald Trump The man barely took work to work

And also by the way, it's not taking work home with you if you no longer have the job, right? Can we agree on that? All right? You don't have the job. You can't take work home with you Like if you get fired from your babysitting job, but you still go pick up the kid from school, that's just kidnapping. But if you don't like that excuse, that's fine, that's fine. Trump's got another one. Like how about Obama? President Trump has been making the baseless and false claim that former President Obama

took more than 30 million classified documents when he left the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that President Barack Hussein Obama kept 33 million pages of documents, much of them classified, how many of them pertain to nuclear, word is, lots. All right. Okay. First of all, this is just completely made up. In fact, the National Archives came out and said it is not true. But also, for the sake of the argument, let's say it was true. These people are the same people who have spent 15 years saying, Obama is basically the devil.

But then, when they get into trouble, they're like, it's fine, we just did the same thing as the same things thing as thing as thing as thing as thing as thing as thing as thing as thing as thing as thing as thing as thing as thing as thing as thing as things as things as things as things. Oh, and also, did you pick up that Barack Hussein Obama? That was a nice little touch, yeah? Just to remind the people who he really is. Yeah. I know what Trump is doing. He's trying to drum up all Islamophobia, but everybody knows that that's Barack's middle name.

It doesn't sound nefarious anymore. It just sounds like you're his mom. Barack Hussein, Obama, you get down here and clean up this mess right now! I'm coming, mom. But... But... But... But...

If you don't like that, excuse, it's cool, baby. Trump's got another one for you. It's about how he declassified these documents in his mind. And a new defense emerged overnight from a conservative journalist tied to Trump, who read a statement from the former president's office. He had a standing order that documents removed from the oval office and taken to the residents were deemed to be declassified the moment he removed them. Oh, that's an interesting excuse. Anything Trump took home with him was automatically declassified because he had a standing

order. It's also super convenient that no one has ever heard about this rule until he got busted for having top secret documents at his house, but whatever. I've actually heard this defense before. Yeah, usually it's when people get busted for having an affair, you know? They'll be like, no, actually, I didn't cheat on you. I'd already broken up with you in my mind on the way to their house. And then on the way home, I decided to give us another chance.

Come here, baby, I forgive you. I forgive you. So there you're particular. Okay, I see. Then maybe what you need is a little bit of this. NBC has a piece out. Quoting sources that say the chaotic nature of Donald Trump's exit from the White House contributed to sensitive documents being taken to Marlago. Then there were reports that Trump packed in a rush. Quote, when it finally dawned on Donald Trump and the twilight of his presidency

that he wouldn't be living at the White House for another four years, he had a problem. He had barely packed and had to move out quickly. Oh my God. Oh, this is the greatest excuse of all time. Trump's people are saying, because he didn't think he was leaving the White House, he packed in a hurry when he left, yeah, yeah, he was so busy planning the coup. He didn't even think about packing, is that what happened? It's like, guys, I wasn't trying to steal these documents.

I was trying Ever since the FBI raided the broom closet where Donald Trump was keeping America's most important national security secrets, we've all been wondering what exactly Trump was hiding there. And over the weekend, we finally got a detailed rundown of what the FBI took away. There were 31 documents labeled confidential. There were 54 labeled secrets and 18 labels. It was a their the FBI took away. There were 31 documents labeled confidential. There were 54 labeled secrets and 18 labeled top secrets. Yeah. And even better than that, agents found those documents intermingled in the same boxes as magazine clippings and clothing.

So I guess Trump has a legal problem and a hoarding problem? It's almost like after the FBI is done with Trump, they need to send in Marie Condo, you know, just to be like, does this 1987 copy of Playboy spark joy, Donald? It does, it sparks so much joy, so much joy. But even more concerning is that the FBI also found dozens of classified folders that were empty, which obviously raises the question, where are the documents from the folders? Are they in other boxes? Did he lend them to Saudi Arabia?

Or maybe, maybe it's more innocent. Maybe Trump just keeps a bunch of folders labeled classified so he can give them to friends with photocopies of his butt inside. I mean, that's a good joke. That's a good joke. You're like, what's in here? Ahaha! It's also possible the intelligence community didn't trust Trump with classified information, so they just gave him empty folders.

We don't know. Yeah, it could just be like, sirthe love letters Milania sends me. I get it, totally get it. But nobody knows what Trump was doing with these files and folders. And now, it might be a lot longer until we find out. The criminal investigation into those classified documents found at Marilago is temporarily on hold. As a result of this 24-page order where a Florida federal judge granted former President Trump's request that authorizes the appointment of a special master, an independent observer to review what the

FBI seized from the Trump estate last month. The special master would separate any items that might be protected by claims of attorney-client privilege or executive privilege. The judge said to deadline of Friday for both sides in this case, Trump and the DOJ to propose a list of candidates they want to be special master. Now the judge also said in this ruling that DOJ cannot use these documents at all as part of its criminal investigation until this review is completed. Yeah, that's right. A judge in Florida has decided to appoint a to to the to to the to the to the to the the to to the the to to the the to to the the to the the to the the to the the to be the the the review is completed. Yeah, that's right. A judge in Florida has decided to appoint an independent observer

to go through all of the documents and determine which ones are off-limits to investigators. And that person is called a special master. Which, I'm not going to lie when I first heard it, sounded pretty cool. It's like, Donald Trump is getting a special master. I was like, he's about to learn Kung Fu. And it's like, hmm, I am your special master. And you, Donald, are my students, like,

Great, can you teach me chopsticks? And what's going to be really interesting is who they pick for this job. Because the judge gave each side until Friday to submit a list of suggestions together. So basically the judge is going going is going is going is going is going is going, thiiiiiiiiiiiiii, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. I'm thi. thi. to submit a list of suggestions together, right? So basically the judge is going, Trump, you send us a list of who you think should review the documents, and then the Justice Department you do the same thing, and then I guess the judge is hoping that they'll overlap? But I don't know.

I feel like the Department of Justice is going to submit the names of former attorney generals and FBI directors, and then the list from Trump's side is going to be like, Jared, the hamburger, a paper shred on top of a toilet, you know? But you know, once again, Donald Trump has exposed the part of America that I'm willing to bet nobody knew existed. Nobody. Did you know about a special master, any of you?

I didn't even know there was an option. I've watched 10 million hours of law in the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thiole is thoes. thoes. thoome is thoome is an option is an option is thoome is thoome is thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes was was was was was was was was thoes thoes was thoes was was thoes was thoes was thoes was was was th. It was was was was th. I was was was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was thi. I was thean. I was thean. I was thean. I was thean. I was an theananan. I was an optiona. I was an option. I was an option theanan't tho. I was order. I know about subpoenas, I know about breaking the chain of custody, objection, sustained overruled, sidebar in my chambers but not once have I heard the term special master. But once again, thanks to Trump, because of his hard work and dedication to doing crimes, we've all learned something new today and I I say, thank you, Mr. President. That's right. Let's kick things off with the ongoing legal troubles of America's 45th President, Donald Jurisdiction Trump.

The only former president with a sidegig selling bedazzled documents on Etsy. You see, Trump is still being investigated by the Justice Department for keeping over 100 classified documents in a closet at Marilago, pretty much the least secure place in the world outside of Adam Levine's DMs. And Trump, and truck world has been coming up with all kinds of defenses for what he did. They said, oh, the FBI planted the evidence. They said, everyone takes work home with them, and then they said, Trump was trying to protect the documents from Nicholas Cage. But last night, last night during an interview with Sean Hannity,

Trump came up with a new excuse that may have topped them all. A defiant Donald Trump pushing back, the former president is insisting he had the power to declassify documents seized from his Marlago home just by thinking about it. If you're the President of the United States, you can declassify just by saying it's declassified even by thinking about it. And there doesn't have to be a process. There can be a process, but there doesn't have to be.

Hold, hold on. Donald Trump can't to decassify documents with his brain? How? He can't even read documents with his brain. How does this happen? I really hope that I can make things happen with my mind is going to be the actual argument at the trial. That would be great. Your Honor, the defendant pleads Jedi. So Trump is saying that he declassified these documents just by thinking about it, which I don't, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't even, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, how, thi, thi, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the thi, thean, thi, thean, thi, thi, tho tho thean, tho tho thean, the, thiified these documents just by thinking about it, which

I don't even believe because that will be the first time in his life, that Trump has thought something and not said it out loud. Think about it. This is a man who thought to himself, who, if I wasn't related to my daughter, I would date her, and then he told everyone on TV, he said it out of his mouth. And by the way, by this this this this this this this this this this this this this this is this is thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi, thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. toe to to to to toe toe toe toe toe the toe the the the the. the. th mouth. And by the way, by the way, if this all happened in his head, you do realize, that means now the FBI is going to have to raid his brain for the evidence. That's going to be a nightmare for them. Oh guys, all right, let's see what we have in here. Wow, it's a lot of bikinis, a lot of bikinis in here. Miss America in a bikini. Is that Putin in a bikini?

A hamburger in a bikini? Oh, what's going? Hold up, hold up. I think I found the documents. I got them, the classified documents, but they're in a bikini. Now, if we had more time, we could talk about the massive ramifications of Donald Trump having a superpower, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we just, we just, we just, we just, we just, we just, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, th th thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that that that that that that that that that that that th th th the thi. thi, thi, th thtime, we could talk about the massive ramifications of Donald Trump having

a superpower that only applies to documents, but we just, we don't have the time. Because in that same interview, he gave a different excuse that was even more mind-boggling. Here is Donald Trump's new theory revealed just an hour ago about what the FBI was really looking for with their search warrant. There's also a lot of speculation because of what they did the severity of the FBI coming and raiding Marilago. Were they looking for the Hillary Clinton emails that were deleted but they are around someplace?

Were they looking for the spying or trunks? No, no, they may be saying they may have thought that it was in there. Wait, wait, What? Even Sean Hanley's like, wait, I'm sorry, man. I'm I'm, I'm roll with you, but I don't understand. Like, what, what, I was so confused. What, so is Trump saying the FBI raided his house to find Hillary's emails? So they didn't want the documents he declassified with his mind. No, they wanted the emails he couldn't find, but that he actually had the whole time at his house

because Donald Trump is Hillary Clinton? What? What? What? So, America really did elect this first female president? What? So, America really did elect the first female president? What? Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

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