The Daily Show: Ears Edition - What America Gets Wrong About the Southern Border - Long Story Short

Episode Date: April 14, 2023

When you hear politicians scaremongering about the border, remember: They're not preaching facts, they're promoting fear. In this week's installment of Long Story Short, John Leguizamo separates border myths from border facts.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Tonight, I want to talk about the scariest topic you'll ever hear about on the campaign trail, the southern border. Wait, sorry, that was the wrong sound effect. The southern border. See, see that's not so scary. It's all about how you frame it. See, that's not so scary. It's all about how you frame it.

Because whenever Americans hear about the border, it's always so negative. But the truth is, America's southern border has a rich history steeped and cross-cultural pollination. Because for thousands of years, that area has been the grand central station of the continent. In fact, for well over a century, America had no barrier at all on its border. And when they finally put one up, it had none to do with people. In the early 1900s, ticks are causing disease among cows in rural areas. Those cows are crossing back and forth over the border. So the first ever border fence is actually built to keep cows from spreading disease.

That's right, the first border fence was to keep out ticks. It's the one time it wasn't racist to say, we've got to stop these filthy animals from coming over here. And that's just one of the many things people get wrong when it comes to America's southern border. So I thought tonight we could separate border myths from border facts and another installment of long-story short. Look, we can talk about numbers or figures or demographics, but the immigration debate is never about facts. It's about fear.

Hordes of machete-wielding illegals are pouring over the borders to take your job and put fentanyl in your guacamole. That's why it's always cost extra. Yo, this type of rhetoric isn't meant to solve any problems. It's meant to dehumanize immigrants into zombie criminals because then all you'll want to do is build the wall. The phrase made famous by the man who might have to hold his next inauguration in prison cafeteria.

Most illegal immigration is coming from our southern border. We will build a great wall and we will stop illegal immigration for good. We'll build the wall folks, don't even worry about it. Go to sleep. Go home, go to sleep, rest is shooting. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep? This is the worst bedtime story ever. Now one of these kids are so f-fied up. Now, to hear Trump tell it, a wall would put a stop to illegal immigration, but that's a myth, because the truth is, these days a majority of undocumented immigrants come into the country legally, and they just overstay their visas.

That means most illegal immigration doesn't start at the Rio Grande, it starts at the airport between the Senate Bunn and the baggage claim. And by the way, Donald Trump, of all people, I thought you would understand wanting to stay longer than you're supposed to. Yep. And here's another myth because for some demagogues, brown people come in America isn't scary enough on its own, so there's one specific type of immigrant that they want to scare you about, the drug smugglers. Illegal immigrants from Mexico who are trafficking these pills that look like candy for They're carrying drugs on their back, they're bringing fentanyl. Those people are bringing in fentanyl, which is killing thousands of Americans every month.

It's not like fentanyl walks across the border by itself. It comes with illegal immigrants. Of course fentanyl doesn't walk across the border by itself? Do you know the street value of fentany? That bitch drives a caddy. But yeah, they want to scare you about the hordes of criminals coming across the border to profit off of our opioid crises, which is messed up, because that's what we have pharmaceutical companies for.

But the truth is that only 0.02% of people arrested by Border Patrol for crossing illegally had fentanyl on them. But guess who is being arrested for smuggling fentanyl? American citizens. They're 86% of convicted fentanyl traffickers. So when you think about fentanyl trafficker, think less about this and more about this. Bro, dude, I got fentanyl up my ass.

I got it in my ears, I got up my nose. I wish I had another orifice, I'd pack it up full of fentanyl. But you know how it goes, bro. And here's a bigger point I'm trying to make. The vast, vast majority of undocumented immigrants do not sell drugs. They do not shoot people. They do not commit terrorism. They do not commit any crimes. They're human beings searching for a better life. And they don't want to get in trouble, especially since they don't want to get caught and be deported.

I'm the same way. When I'm a guest in someone's house, I'm on my best behavior. I take off my shoes, I hold in my farts, I bring a bottle of Savignon Blanc, but then when I'm in my own house and I'm in the living room terrorizing the couch and my bear balls? That's a different story. That's a different story. That's that we shot that before I shaped the beard.

Anyway, here's another myth these demagogues say that migrants are stealing American jobs. When you have a wide open border and you've got millions of illegal aliens coming into our country, what do you think those people are going to do? They're going to go take jobs that could have otherwise been American job. Millions of American jobs are disappearing at the hands of illegal immigrants. Joe Biden's 5 million illegal aliens are on the verge of replacing you, replacing your jobs. Yeah, these immigrants are taking all the jobs, food jobs, farm jobs, Steve jobs. All of them.

These demagogues want you to believe that if you lost your job, it's not because of corporate outsourcing or automation or the destruction of unions or cost-cutting to maximize profits for shareholders. No, it's Jose's fault. Shame on you, Jose. But the truth is, undocumented immigrants are mostly filling jobs that Americans have no interest in doing. I mean, now you're going to tell me there are Americans just lining up wishing they could pick vegetables in the sun all the live long day? America's a trip, man. First you didn't want to do any of the field work and now you want to do all the fieldwork. Make up your goddamn mind.

All right, so long story short, we can debate about the border, but what we can't do is dehumanize these people. That's not going to lead to the right policies. That's only going to lead to tragedy. So the next time you hear people scare-mongering about the border, remember, they're not preaching facts. They're promoting fear. And that's the only wall they've built, the one between themselves and reality. Explore more shows from the Daily Show from the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

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