The Daily Show: Ears Edition - What the Hell Happened this Week? - Russia Threatens Ukraine and Biden Slams Fox News Reporter

Episode Date: January 29, 2022

Russia nears war with Ukraine, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. compares vaccines to the holocaust, Biden insults a reporter, Justice Breyer announces his retirement, and schools face staff shortages. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Ukraine. For months now, tensions have been building on the border of Ukraine as Russia has sent 100,000 troops to the region. And now, thens have been building on the border of Ukraine as Russia has sent 100,000 troops to the region. And now, it's looking like war could break out at any time. With Russian troops massing along Ukraine's northern, southern, and eastern borders,

Europe now teetering on the brink of war. U.S. officials ordering the evacuation of family members of U.S. embassy staff in Ukraine. The order comes as tensions mount in the region, with some fearing a Russian invasion could come at any time, despite consistent denials by the Kremlin. Now the New York Times reporting that President Biden is weighing, sending thousands of U.S. troops, and aircraft to Eastern Europe. Secretary of State Anthony Blinken reaffirming U.S. support for the Ukrainian government. If a single additional Russian force goes into Ukraine in an aggressive way, as I said, that would trigger a swift, a severe, and a united response from us and from Europe.

Yeah, you heard the man, Russia better not enter Ukraine in an aggressive way. But if the whole army just kind of shimmies in though, that would be kind of cute. You know, we'll let that slide. Excuse me, excuse me, coming to the country, coming to the whole army just kind of shimmies in though, that would be kind of cute. You know, we'll let that slide. Excuse me, excuse me, coming to the country, coming to the country, police. And look, those are strong words from America's Secretary of State, but if I'm a Ukrainian, probably going to hedge my bets. I'll look at what happened with Afghanistan and I'll book my seat And this isn't just about Ukraine, by the way. Many countries, many countries are worried about what this war could mean for the entire region. Hell, even for the entire world.

It could spiral out into a bigger war, like World War III. And personally, I don't think America is ready to fight Russia over Ukraine. I mean, America's been fighting brown people. doesn't even remember how to fight white people? At least Ukraine has time thiiiiiiiiiiiiiia the the the the their their their their their their thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho-a, thi, thi, thi, tho-a, tho-a, th, th, th, th, th, tho-a, tho-a, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. And, th. And, th. And, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. And, thooooooooooooan. And, is thoan. And, is thoan. And, is just is just is just is just is just is just, thoo fight white people? At least Ukraine has time to prepare, though. And that's the thing about war these days. The elements of surprise is gone. And you've got a satellite, you see them, 100,000 Russians at your border.

Back in the old days, you could launch a surprise at your border. But now, Hey, the Russian army is causing slowdowns on your route, so you probably want to avoid the freeway. The thing I don't get is why Russia even wants Ukraine so badly. Like, what do you want? Have you seen a map of Russia? Just go to Siberia. There's a Ukraine-sized piece of land with one guy living on it. You don't even have to fight Ukraine.

You can just fight Ditri. I know why Russia is doing this. They're doing it because we're in between James Bond's right now. I mean, who's gonna stop Russia if it's not for having one British alcoholic guy? We gotta pick a bond. I would have never thought of that as being the reason. But it's true, we are bondless. We're bondless. It's not that hard. We've got to pick someone. I think it is hard, I mean.

There's so many of them. Well, yeah, but we got a lot of great choices. That's true. That's true. Yeah. You could do it. You could do it. You could fake it though. It's a part. It's an acting role. You can do it. I saw

that shimmy. You can't fake drinking. You can't fake drinking vodka. Because if you, when you drink it, it's like it's stool, you taske and then you, like I throw up. Try a little LSD. You could be a dry bond, but th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that. that. that. that. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's that's that's that's that's that's th. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. the. the. that's a that's a that's a that replace it with LSD. Oh, I like that. I'll call your agents. Thank you, Desi. You're welcome. I'll take my LSD shaken? We'll workshop it. We'll work it on.

Okay. Let's move on from a war that might never start to one that never ends. The battle over COVID vaccines. After what shoes should Eminem's wear? Asking whether vaccines are good is literally the dumbest thing people can fight about. But they are fighting. And yesterday, thousands of people held a rally in Washington, D.C. to hear why vaccine mandates are worse than Hitler.

In the nation's capital Sunday, demonstrators gathered at the Lincoln Memorial, many voicing opposition to the COVID-19 vaccine, others protesting vaccine mandates. Among the speakers, Robert Kennedy, son of the late New York senator and attorney general Robert F. Kennedy. What we're saying today is what I call turnkey totalitarianism. They are putting in place all of these technical, technological mechanisms for control. We've never seen before, even in Hitler, Germany, you could, you could cross the Alps into Switzerland. You can hide in an attic like Anne Frank did.

Yeah, the man is right, who could argue? No one ever talks about how good Anne Frank had it. Free room and bored, all the time in the world to write. to write, to write, to write, to write, to write, to write, to write, to write, to write, to write, to write, to write, to write, to write, to write, the world, the world, the world, the world, the world, the world, the world, the world, the world, the world, all the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the their their, all their their their their their their their their their their their their their the world, the world, the world, the world, thi thi thiiiiolioliolioliolioliolioliolk, the, the, theyc. theyc. their their their their their their their the man is right, who could argue? No one ever talks about how good Anne Frank had it. Free room and board, all the time in the world to write. Pretty sweet deal, if you ask me. I will say though crazy is relative, because RFK may be saying wild shit about the Holocaust. But half the people he's talking to don't even believe the Holocaust happened. Yeah, just standing there like, Aunt Frank, didn't realize this guy was such a liberal.

Huh. Joe Byron, the president who puts the hip in hip replacement. Like most presidents, Biden has a complicated relationship with the media, which I get. You know, they nitpick everything he says, they challenge all of his decisions, and they even get their own room in his house, which is insane. Nobody else has to set aside a guest room for their haters. Well, yesterday, Biden's true feelings about at least one member of the press slipped out. On Monday, when a Fox News reporter asked him a question about inflation,

Mr. Biden fired off an insult. That's a great asset. More inflation. What a stupid son of a bitch. Ducey says President Biden later called him to clear the error and to say his comments were not personal. Within about an hour of that exchange, he called my cell phone and he said it's nothing personal, pal. And we went back and forth and we were talking about just kind of moving forward. And I made sure to tell him that I'm always going to try to ask something different than what everybody else is asking. And he said, you've got to.

And that's a quote from the president, so I'll keep doing it. You see, this is what happens when you've been on Zoom calls for two years. You forget that real life doesn't have a mute button. Son of a bitch. Was that out loud? Sorry.

Now, a lot of people are asking if Biden even knew that the microphone was on..., toe., toe., toe., toe., toe, toe, toe, toe, thii. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, and, thi, and, thi, and, and, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi.. And, thi. And, thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. Now, a lot of people are asking if Biden even knew that the microphone was on. But guys, please, come on. He's sitting there talking into a giant microphone, so there's at least a 50-50 chance he knew it was there. And a lot of people online are dunking on the reporter saying that he deserved this because he's just some Fox News guy asking a dumb question. And they're right. Do you th th th inflation th inflation th inflation th inflation th th inflation th inflation th inflation th inflation th inflation th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to to to to thi. to to to to to to thi. thi. thii. th, do you think inflation is a political liability, is a very stupid question? I mean, what's Biden supposed to say?

No, I think people like spending more money to buy the same shit. I mean, if you get to ask the president a question, you should ask him real questions, like, why can't the CDC get its messaging straight on COVID? Or, can you ask your dog to stop chewing my arm? And because of this moment, there are many people who are saying that this shows that Biden and Trump treat the press with the same level of animosity. And I'm sorry, guys.

No, I can't accept that. I cannot believe that people would even say something so disrespectful about my man, Donald Jiu JJitsu Trump. First of all, he wouldn't mumble that into a hot mic. He would scream that shit into your face. He'd be like, get that son of a bitch out of here. So rude, so rude. My crimes are my business.

Biden dropped one offhanded dishonor reporter. He's no legend. Attacking the press was Donald Trump's whole thing. You remember that guy? Shit, you can't compare these two. It's like comparing Steph Curry to a random guy who makes one half-court shot during half-time. Show some respect. I'll compare him to Trump. Can you imagine? Yeah, I know, but you know, you got to know about the hot mics, right? Yeah. You got to know. That's the that's that, you- to know, you- to know, you- to know, you- to know, you- to know, you- to know, you- to know, you- to know, you- to know, to know, to know, to know, to know, to know, to know, to know, to know, to know, to know, the to know, to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their, their their their their their their their their their- their- their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tho, to to to too-coo-cooom. too-cooomorrow too-cooomorrow to-cooomorrow to-cooomorrow to-cooomorrow th. th. th. their their th got to know. That's, when I'm on the show here, you know, I know that if I want to talk some shit, I got to cover up my mic. And our audio guy, he put for me, he puts it on my wrist.

So I cover it up and I can say to you, our audio guy sucks. You know that, right? This is one of the worst audio guys I've met in showbiz. I'm embarrassed but then once you pull it up, you know what I'm saying? He couldn't hear anything, right? Yo, my boy sucks, right? He's one, it's a great dude. See what I'm saying? The, don't want to. No? Yeah. Yeah. This shit works all the time. He's a clown. You know what I'm saying? Right. You've got him, Cuoen. Yeah, hey, no one else heard that. So that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. th. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that's th. th. th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. thi. th. thi. th. thi. th. thi. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. him, Custin. That's what I'm saying, dude. Yeah, no one else heard that. So that's how I stay alive in this biz, dude. And you've got a long career head of you. All right, let's move on to the Winter Olympics. You know, it's that time of the year, where we all sit on our couches and critique athletes doing sports we just learned existed. We are now a few weeks away from seeing our favorite athletes sliding down an icy track head first and also feet first and also crammed inside a giant dildo.

But it seems like the main event of these Olympics will be fending off COVID. And right now, China is doing everything it can to win the gold. With the winter games less than two weeks away, cities across China are scrambling to contain COVID outbreaks and officials in Beijing now urging local districts to stay in what they call full emergency mode. Authorities are tracking down anyone in the city who's bought medicine in recent weeks that could be used to treat fever or other symptoms,

even something as simple as ibuprofen, and sending text messages, ordering them to get COVID tests. Entire buildings are being locked down, sometimes without warning to the people inside. Yo, China does not play games. I mean, they will in two weeks, but not now. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine that? Can you imagine your building being locked down without any warning? No warning, nothing. Can you imagine your building being locked down without any warning?

No warning, nothing. Especially just after you've broken up with someone? Well, guess what, Sheila? We're through. And by the way, I slept with your sister. Yeah! Ha ha! Look, we all said a lot of things back there about sleeping with your sister. You know, she. But this is way too much oppression for the Winter Olympics.

Can we agree on that? I mean, summer Olympics, sure. Oppress all you want, but you can't be locking people in their apartments for sports like curling. Even the curling athletes are like, guys, guys, we're just sweeping ice. Chill. Chill. I don't, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th th, th, th th th th th th th th th th th, thi, thus, tho, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thi. is thi. thi. Chill. Chill. I don't know about you, but this story gave me perspective. Because Americans complain so much when a restaurant asks them to wear a mask. But then China will shut down your entire block because somebody bought Advil.

And I'll tell you now, nobody in Beijing is sitting inside their house like, damn, this is just like communist New York. Because this is what real authoritarian control looks like. A government tracking your ibuprofen purchases. That's not for the government to know. That's between you and your pharmacy and your credit card company. And the Google ads after you type in, Head Hurt, why? The Supreme Court.

The Supreme Court. Yes, the second most powerful court in the United States right after Judge Judy. Out of all the justices on the Supreme Court, the oldest one is Stephen Breyer. And you know how it goes with old Supreme Court justices. Eventually, whether they like it or not, they go and meet the one true judge. So, Democrats have been relentlessly pestering Breyer to step down so that they can replace him before Mitch McConnell comes back into power and makes a rule that all Supreme Court justices have to have been platinum Q&O members in the past. And today, Breyer finally made the Democrats' dreams come true.

Breaking news, a bombshell announcement out of the U.S. Supreme Court reverberating across the nation's legal and political landscape. CNN has learned that Justice Stephen Breyer plans to retire. Breyer is 83 years old and he has resisted calls to retire from liberals who want President Joe Biden to have a Supreme Court nomination slot that he can use this year. Apparently, Breyer has decided to move forward with that, th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th th thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their, their, their, their, their, their, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi.. thr. thr. thr. tria. tria. tria. tria. tria. tria. tria. tria, thr. thr. thr. thr. th nomination slot that he can use this year. Apparently Breyer has decided to move forward with that retirement now and it sets up a political battle here for President Biden who will have the opportunity to nominate a Supreme Court justice as a result. Justice Stephen Breyer, the leading liberal on the court, he will retire.

We're still not exactly sure of the timeline, but presumably not until the end of this term, which ends up usually at the end of the the the the the the th the th th th. th. th.. the the the the th the th th th. th.. th th th th th. th. th. th. th. thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to move. to move. to move. to move. to move. to move. to move. to move. to move. to move. to move. to move. to move. to move. to move. to move. to move. to move. to move. to move. to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the th. th. th. thi. thi. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. to. toe. to. to. to. to. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. to not exactly sure of the timeline, but presumably not until the end of this term, which ends usually at the end of June. This is big, y'all. Justice Breyer is retiring. Yeah, probably to focus more on his ice cream brand. I don't know. But honestly, no one should be surprised by this news, right? It probably isn't fun being hounded all day by people screaming at you to retire. I mean imagine it.

Think about everywhere this guy goes, people are telling him he should be retiring. He's probably in line at the grocery store and people like, retire bitch! He's in Starbucks. The name on the cup is retire, bitch. He's at the synagogue. And the rabbiah, barraqat, retire, bitch. And right now, a lot of Democrats are relieved. But I don't know people people. I feel like the only winner here is going to be Mitch McConnell. Maybe I'm just scarred. Yeah, because even though the Republicans don't control the Senate, don't be shocked. Don't be shocked when Mitch still makes it happen. He's just going to come out like,

Marr, it's a longstanding Senate trad and Netflix. We all got to watch it first and then process what happened. That shows crazy shit. Man. Since Omicron started, countless kids around the country have gotten infected. Or they've had to isolate because some kid in their class got infected. And when you think about it, it's disorienting not to know what each day is going to bring. Are they going to be in class? Are they going to be home?

Is the bullying going to be in person or cyber? You need to plan. It's been chaos for students, which is why some schools have decided to do away with indoor learning altogether. The pandemic has many parents in school districts still struggling with remote versus in-person learning, but some schools are finding a compromise in the great outdoors. Despite frigid temperatures in Wisconsin and Maine, these schools moved some classes outside to help prevent the spread.

17 schools in Portland, Maine built outdoor learning spaces, plenty of winter gear and Wi-Fi. With wind chill, it's minus seven. Try not to burn your mittens. Yeah, that's right, COVID, you're not going to get these kids because they're going to freeze to death first. Ha! Checkmate. And look, I know those classrooms might be colder than the middle of a traded Joe's burrito, but there are probably a lot of benefits for the students. Yeah, younger kids get to play in the snow and high schoolers, well, they don't have to worry about spontaneous erections anymore. Everybody wins.

Not to mention, these kids will be the first generation that can outflex their grandparents about how hard they had it. I used to walk 10 miles in the snow the snow, the snow, the snow, the snow, the snow, the snow, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm to walk 10 miles in the snow just to get to school. Bitch, the snow was my school. But if kids are stressed out by everything that's going on, it's also hard on the teachers. A lot of them are staying home because they're either worried about getting COVID or they already have it. Which is why there's a big teacher shortage right now all across the country. And that's a problem. Because without teachers, you don't have a school.

I mean, now it's just juvie. So schools around the country are trying to solve their staffing problems with whoever they can find. As Omicron surges on, teachers are calling out with COVID, leading to a potential crisis across the nation's schools. With record numbers calling in sick, thousands of schools have been forced to close. Schools scrambling to keep kids in the classroom, forced to come up with creative solutions. In Miami, a staggering 1,700 teachers called in sick today. It was all hands-on decks.

Even the district superintendent filled in as a substitute science teacher. In Michigan, lunch ladies and school bus drivers are stepping in to supervise classes. School districts facing teacher shortages are asking parents and alum to fill in as substitutes. Hundreds of parents in Pell Alto, California are volunteering at schools, doing anything from like custodial work to food services. I have clean tables, I've swept floors. In New Mexico, the governor now calling on the National Guard to teach kids. In Oklahoma, off-duty

police officers are now stepping into teach. Wow. They're using cops as substitute teachers. I mean that's one way to get the black kids raising their hands in class. Well Kevin, did have a question? Nah, sir, I just don't want any trouble. It would actually be pretty funny if the teachers and cops switched jobs permanently. Because you gotta admit, it would be so nice to get pulled over by a teacher for a change. Because they just be like,

sir, do you know how fast you were going? Because you see, you left left you you you left you left you left you left you hating though, I'm not hating. I think it's great that people from the community are stepping up. But let's not forget, there's no way to replace a professional substitute teacher. Yeah. You think anyone can just show up, pass out a worksheet and then get roasted for eight hours by a bunch of 11-year-olds. No, that is an art form. So a lot of th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, thi, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, thr-a, that, that, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. But, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, thr. We's thr. We's thr. We's thr. We's thr. We's thr. We's thr. that, that, that, that, that, that, that is an art form. So a lot of these pandemic policies have been hard on students and teachers, but the people making the policies aren't getting off easy. And I'm talking about the local school boards. Yeah, they're stuck in the middle between parents who are terrified of their kids' safety and parents who are terrified that the masks their kids wear will turn their

their kids into the little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little the little the little the little the kids into they. their kids into their kids into their kids into their kids into their kids into their kids into their kids into their kids their kids' their kids' their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their kids wear will turn their kids into tiny little Fauchies. I'm home from school mom and all the data supports me getting some mac and cheese right now. Follow the science, mommy. So, school boards are in a tough spot and not every parent is showing their appreciation. This school board meeting in Virginia, taking a wild turn Thursday as a Paige County parent was arrested and released on a $5,000 bond after she was captured on take threatening to bring guns to her children's school if a district continued to enforce their mask mandate. My children will not come to school on Monday with a mask on, all right? That's not happening and I will bring

every single gun loaded and ready to, I will call every... That's three minutes. You've gone past your time. It's a policy. Thank you. I'll see y'all on Monday. So you don't want to hear the end of the threat? I mean, I know there's a time policy, but if someone's threatening to kill me,

I want to hear what they have to say, so I know how to escape. I mean, this does show you how often school, theat screened at them. Do you see how calm those people thoomeahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah people are tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho threat screamed at them. Do you see how calm those people were? This woman is talking about bringing every loaded gun to the school and they're like, time is up, thank you. The next speaker is Jennifer Higgins who has a proposal for burning down our houses. Go ahead, Jennifer, and please remember, keep it to three minutes. For more on the disruption that Omicron is causing with schools, let's go out now to Roywood Jr. who is standing outside a random school. Do I have to be out here, Trevor? It's cold as hell. I could just talk to you in the studio.

I'm sorry, Roy, that's not possible. This is how the news is. You see, we're talking about a school so you have to be at a school, otherwise, how will the people trust what a school is? Anyway, let's talk talk tok tok tok tok tok tok the the the the the th th th th th th th th tho tho that that thus that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th... th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that that that that that that that that that that the that that the to to the to to to the to to to to to to to to the that to that that that that thr will the people trust what a school is? Anyway, let's talk about all the chaos in schools right now, Roy. It almost feels like we're back in 2020, right? It sure as shit does. I'm so fed up with Omicron, man. It's ruining everything. It's ruining things for students, for teachers, parents, everybody. Not to mention all the money I'm losing on these shirts I printed up a couple months ago. Look at this man! I hadn't sold a single one of these. Damn Omicron, you don't know the

overhead on that. Really gives you a new appreciation for all those chill viruses we have out there. Yeah, that's so... Wait, I'm sorry. Did you say chill viruses? I don't think there's such a thing as a chill virus, Roy. No, I think that's where you're wrong, Trevor. There are plenty of viruses out there, just keeping to themselves, not stirring up trouble all the time. Like, uh, hepatitis A. I'm sorry, Roy. Are you saying that hepatitis A is a chill virus? Yeah, totally chill virus, thea. Nobody's getting hepatitis A, just standing in line at Walmart. Only way you're getting it is if you go out to eat and the cook don't wash his hands after wiping his ass.

You don't have to worry about mask or boosting shots for hepatitis A. Just don't order a sloppy Joe of the truck stop and you're good. Well, Roy, I wasn't planning on it, but yeah, I see what you're saying, you know, like maybe we should give credit to all those viruses out there that are less annoying day to day. Like, like what's that virus that causes mono? Oh, you're talking about my boy? Epstein Barre, or also known as the kissing disease. Now, you may not know this, Trevor, but you know why they call it the kissing? Because you get it from kissing. It's one of the few diseases where the diagnosis comes with a high five. That's so true, Roy. You know, the doctor's just like, I got good news and bad news. The bad news is you got mono.

The good news is my man. Hell yeah. By the way, did you know that Epstein's named after Jeffrey Epstein and former attorney general Bill Barr. It's their first collab before bar killed Epstein in a jail cell. I did not know that, Roy. Well, now you do. I don't preach, I teach. And here's one other virus that I've never really appreciated until Corona came along. Herpes. I don't know, man. I don't think I'm ready to throw my support behind herpes. Well, you should be thi, thee. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thr- thr- thr- th-a, th-a, thr-a, thi, thr-a, th-a, th-a, th-a, th-a, th-a, th-a, the, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thr-a, thr-s thr-s thr-s thr-s thr-s''''''''''''a'a''a'a''a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'ee I'm ready to throw my support behind herpes. Well, you should be.

Did you know, Trevor, 200 million people in this country have herpes, but it's such a chill virus that most people don't even realize they have it. It's just like Cenemax sitting up there at Channel 637, just mine on its own business. Hell. I bet you have herpes. No, I don't. I don't have herpes. I do not, Roy. Statistically you probably do. I don't. I'm sure that I don't, Roy.

Thank you so much. Yeah, look, it doesn't matter if or how you got herpes, man. The point is, I want to take a moment to apologize to all the chivalvee to all the it before, but no longer we appreciate you and all you do for us. From Hepe all the way to Trevor Noah's Herbies. Thank you. I do not have herpes. Thank you so much, Roy. Let's just cut it.

Let's just cut it. Before we go, this weekend was the 49th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, and while it is still law, in much of the country, women's reproductive rights are being threatened. In much of the country, women's reproductive rights are being threatened. But Planned Parenthood is on the ground. They're helping deliver vital reproductive health care, sex education, and information to millions of people, not just in the United States, but worldwide. So if you want to support them in their mission, then you can donate at the link below. Watch the Daily Show, Week nights at 11, 10th Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.

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