The Daily Signal - INTERVIEW | Addressing Fears of Fatherhood with Daniel Huerta

Episode Date: June 16, 2023

Daniel Huerta says it's not uncommon for fathers to tell him they're worried that they're “messing up” their kids.  Huerta, vice president of Parenting and Youth at Focus on the Family, says may of the fathers he works with have “fears around the gender issues [and] sexuality issues” in today's culture, and says dads “don't know where to start and how to counter the messages that are out there." Fathers today are also having to navigate heightened levels of anxiety among kids and teens, says Huerta, a licensed clinical social worker.  “And then there are dads that have [a] tremendous amount of ... demands on their life, from work and from the home, with multiple kids and just a variety of things that are surrounding them, and they just find themselves tired, worn out, and distracted,” he says. Fortunately, there are practical tools, such as asking simple questions, that Huerta says can help fathers connect with their children in a significant way.  With Father’s Day around the corner, Huerta joins “The Daily Signal Podcast” to offer dads a practical road map for how they can move toward having stronger relationships with their children and navigate the parental challenges of the current culture.  Enjoy the show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Being a dad is not about being a perfect person or that you're performing at a certain level. It's about being relational. All dads have listening skills, some better than others, but it just takes practice. And so you begin with that. This is the Daily Signal podcast for Friday, June 16th. I'm Virginia Allen. And that was Dr. Daniel Werta, a focus on the family. Sunday is Father's Day.

So we're celebrating our dads today with a conversation with. Dr. Werta talking about some of the challenges of fatherhood and how to navigate those. Dr. Werta says it's pretty common for him to hear fathers say that they're worried that they're messing up their kids. And especially in our culture today, with dads having to navigate a lot of new challenges like increased anxiety or gender ideology being taught in schools, Dr. Werta says dads just need some practical tips and a roadmap to move forward as They build stronger relationships with their children. So today, Dr. Werta is joining us to offer some of those practical words of wisdom for our fathers and for all parents.

Stay tuned for my conversation with Dr. Werta of Focus on the Family after this. Conservative women are problematic women. Why? Because we don't adhere to the agenda of the radical left. Every Thursday morning on the Problematic Women podcast, Kristen I, Cammer, Lauren Evans, and me, Virginia Allen, are joined by other conservative women to break down the big issues and news you care about. Whether you're interested in hot takes and conversations on pop culture or what Congress is up to, problematic women has you covered. We sort through the news to keep you up to date on the issues

that are of particular interest to conservative leaning that is problematic women. Find problematic women wherever you like to listen to podcasts and follow the show on Instagram. It is my pleasure to be joined by Focus on the Families, Dr. Daniel Werta. Daniel is vice president of parenting and youth for Focus on the Family. Dr. Weirta, thanks so much for being here. Hey, thanks for at me on the show, Virginia. I'm excited to be with you. Can you share just a little bit about what you do at Focus on the Family?

Yeah, I get to oversee everything that has to do. with parenting and youth that focus on the family. And so that includes many people have heard it plugged in, clubhouse, club junior magazines. Get to also have Breael magazine for young girls and teen girls. And then I've got live it challenges for families and bring your Bible to school day. And then our website, focus on the family.com slash parenting. So it's focus on parenting. We have tons of articles and videos and then Instagram reels, all the social media sites and YouTube, all of that. And we get to provide content for parents on topics, age and stage topics and then topics that are top concern to parents. And those are like mental health issues, sexuality, technology and entertainment, everyday parenting, and of course spiritual growth in their kids.

And I've gotten to be a therapist for families now for more than two decades, a family therapist. And absolutely love that. And I'm also a dad to two teens, age is 20 and 18. And then I've been with my wife now for 25 years going towards 26. And love what I've been doing here, folks on a family. That's awesome. Well, congratulations on 25 years. That's wonderful.

And I just love all those resources that you all provide. Of course, parents have always needed resources. on how to rear children, how to work through those teenage years. But I think arguably there is no more critical time than this day and age for providing parents with those resources. There are so many unique challenges that families are facing today. And so with Father's Day being this Sunday, I'm really excited to dive in and have a bit of a conversation about parenthood. and specifically ask you to offer some advice for our dads. You know, what in all the conversations that you have with fathers,

what do you think are maybe some of the most common fears that you're hearing from dads these days? What are they worried about when they think about parenting their kids? Well, I've heard a lot of dads say, I think I'm messing up my kids. I don't think I've done enough or I don't think I've guided them spiritually enough for this culture and this day and age. There are a lot of fears around the gender issues, sexuality issues.

They don't know where to start and how to counter the messages that are out there. Some dads have also expressed a lot of concern around kids that are struggling with anxiety and not knowing what to do with that with kids, either with panic attacks or anxiety overall with culture, not knowing how to lean into that. Then there are dads that have tremendous amount of just demands on their life from work and from the home with multiple kids and just a variety of things that are surrounding them. And they just find themselves tired, worn out, and distracted and kind of the more important things, being able to have intentional conversations or one-on-one time with their kids or saying, man, I want to. but I just don't, I don't have the energy of the time, and mainly it's the time to be able to fit that in in their day to day. And I do hear a lot of dads really wanting to do well, but their main anxiety is, am I doing it enough?

Am I good enough? And what do I do when I just don't have enough time to be able to invest in the family? That's a hard one. It really is. I think it's something like you say, so many people in our culture and society face. what do you tell those dads when they're sitting in front of you and they say, I want to be a good dad, I'm scared that I'm screwing my kid up. I want to be present. I want to give them time, but I'm stretched thin. I don't know that I have any more to give. Yeah, a lot of times I'll ask them,

who are you comparing yourself to as a dad? Because we all, dads carry insecurities, everyone carries insecurities into relationships and places they go. And I go, who are you comparing yourself to? And where have you learn some of the parenting and what it means to be a dad. Where did you learn that along the way? And so just taking some time of self-reflection for them. And then I asked them, what is success to you? How would you know if you're doing enough? If you're saying, I don't think I'm doing enough, what would be enough? Because it's not perfection. Being a dad is not about being a perfect person or that you're performing at a certain level. It's about being relational. And all dads have listening skills, some better than others, but it just takes practice. And so you begin with that.

As a dad, can you listen to your children when they're talking to you? Because, you know, you have to stop your brain. You have to be right there in that moment. And it can be 10 seconds, a minute, 10 minutes, an hour. Can you start with that? Can you work on your listening skills? Most dads will say, yeah, yeah, sometimes I'm distracted, but I can work on that. Start with the small things and the things you already have skills on and improve those. And then being intentional on growing and increasing that. And then their validation, dads can validate. That doesn't mean you affirm and you agree with things that your kids may not be doing well, but validating and say, hey, I can see why you see it that way and try to see the world from your kids' eyes because

each child has a different personality and a different point of view. And as a dad, it's powerful when you take the time to get to know your child all the way down into their emotions and perceptions and beliefs. So ask questions. Hey, so why did you think that? And what do you think about this? And asking those questions, those are two things you can immediately do starting today. And then if you can find a time to maybe take a walk or have a meal together to carve out even more intentional space and time with your kids to do those two things. And then now you're taking some really active steps towards influencing them in a world where they're surrounded by multiple influences, either through the phone or through their friends, through social media, through television.

So many things are coming to our kids. You want to carve out a space where you are there one-on-one with each of your children if you can. And if it's just a group, you only have time to take your kids as a group, then find a way to do that consistently. and start maybe with one time a month, then go to one time a week. And if you're able to connect somehow one time a day with your kids in the evening, then, man, you're doing fantastic. But start with those things. And then I encourage dads to focus on these three areas.

And it's very much within your wheelhouse as a dad. And one is to provide security and safety for your sons and daughters to be who they are, imperfections and all. And so if a son fails at a sport or doesn't do so well in something, you reassure your son and go up to him say, hey, I still love you. You do these things well. Just remember that. And just being able to embrace your son and let him know that he's got somebody in his corner. And then your daughter with insecurities she may be caring and dynamics relationally that can just go upside down fast in school and other places, being able to reassure her that you believe in her.

you love who she is, but taking the time to listen to her emotions, that gives a sense of safety and security that a dad can provide in powerful ways. And then giving your kids a smile, a hug, affection, warmth, that can be a simple smile that is just genuine or walking up to them and saying, hey, you know, I love you. I would die for you and I want you to know that today. And that only It takes about five seconds right there, but it's a huge, huge step towards loving your child. And then remembering something about them and bringing that up to them, telling them, here's one thing I really love about you and just saying that, that shows love. And that all sets the table for you to provide guidance and growth.

You have lots of things to teach from your relationship with Christ to things that you have learned along the way. And if you can hone in on those three areas, that can help you as a dad as your impact on your kids. I love how practical that is. I don't have kids myself, but speaking from the kid perspective with my own dad, I can echo that and say, you know, there's several conversations. I can still remember having with my dad. And it wasn't that he provided me any sort of great solution to the problem I was facing, or the burden I was feeling, but it was just, it was that listening and being present and that feeling of being sat with in whatever the heart situation was. That still sticks with me.

It's really powerful. I get sort of emotional thinking about it because it is so critical. I want to ask you, when you took all the journey of being a dad, as you mentioned, you have an 18-year-old and a 20-year-old. Did you feel like you were prepared to be a father? You know, initially, to be honest, I thought I did until the first diaper. And then that was a long, I think it was five or six diapers, that first diaper changed in the house. And I said, what have I got myself? Then I experienced sleep deprivation. And I was going, man, I think I'm going to die.

I mean, it was really, it was a tough first couple of weeks. And I called in my mom and mother-in-law off the bench because my wife had had a difficult delivery. I'm going, can you guys help? I mean, I think I don't know what happened here. So along the way, I've gotten to learn a lot about myself and the fact that there's so many things I can grow in. And parenting is much about the child's growth as it is my growth as an individual. And it's not a performance thing where I'm trying to get a grade like an ABC. What I'm trying to do is learn how to love the human beings in front of me and shape them to be contributors in God.

kingdom and it's I started off with this performance thing that I've got this I'm a psychologist and I've got got all the tools have you know I've got the answer boom boom and and and then God showed me and brought me to it's a humble place of saying not it's not about having answers it's about being present about being loving about teaching them what it means to pray and depend on the Heavenly Father to experience brokenness and failure and moments of stress and being able to to go towards God's Word and towards Jesus in those seasons rather than having it all.

And that has taught us how to love one another in our home. You see, in our imperfections, we learn to love one another. And so in the process, I wrote the book, The Seven Traits of Effective Parenting. And love putting in stories in there of time with my son and time with my daughter. And each of those have been very unique. In fact, my daughter and I have written notes to each other in this journal where I have mine on the kitchen table. All four of us have it, but mainly my daughter and I have used it. And my daughter has her journal.

And we just are write in hers. And these are words that only the family can write to her in that book. And so it's quotes and verses and life giving words to her, the words of encouragement. Then she writes stuff in my journal there. And that has been just so special to have God speak through her. into those words where I'm going, oh my goodness, I needed to hear this today. My daughter wrote to me, and I've let her know that. I've said, you know, God speaks through your words, and you're writing in there. You may not, you may think you're just grabbing a quote or just some words, but God's writing through you to me

because I've needed to hear those words. And thank you so much for faithfully doing that along the way. And I've enjoyed the uniqueness of the relationship with a son compared a relationship with a daughter. And yeah, I'm looking forward to the next chapter here as their adults. Yeah. Oh, that's such a neat idea, having that journal. I love that. Now, I know as kids grow, go through their teenage years, and especially in this culture,

there's a lot of challenging conversations that parents have to have with their kids. What have maybe been some of the hard conversations that you have had with your kids? And how have you navigated that? What tools have you drawn on? to be able to speak life and truth into some of the things that they're navigating as young people. Boy, that's a fantastic question. One of the big ones has been the topic of sexuality with both my son and my daughter to prepare them to not only be contributors in their relationship instead of consumers of another person,

but contributors in another person's life. but learning what God's design is around sexuality, how to date well, and what's an unhealthy way to date and a healthy way to date, just all that topic of sexual identity, identity of who they are in Christ. And I've drawn from many different resources, including mentors, and then I remember reading some of just starting off with Sacred Marriage with Gary Thomas and a long, long time ago. and reading that and then renovation of the heart from Dallas Willard and what it means to have a heart that's deeply rooted there. And just going into scripture and Deuteronomy and Proverbs and Colossians, those three books have been fantastic in drawing some wisdom along the way on this topic and others. And my kids and I have talked about the culture and the presidential dynamics, the LGBT. things that are happening and racial when CRT was was and continues to be a part of cultural conversations and other news things that are happening.

How do we know what's true, what is not true, what's politically driven? How do we enter into that prayerfully? And that's been me just praying about that as I got that conversation. My wife and I have tried to be intentional around that as stories come up. And then the topic of depression and anxiety and how we can have compassion on people that are struggling and wrestling with that because all of us have some type of moments of depression and sometimes of anxiety and stress where we can we can empathize with people that truly have it as a full-blown severe disorder. and how can we come alongside friends and have compassion and really guide them in loving ways towards help. And so those have been kind of main ones. And then the topic of family and how important it is to be intentional with the time that we've got

and the importance of a family system that culture seems to be trying to unravel. And why that's important. and what God may have for them. And I do remember having a recent conversation with my daughter. She was 15 at the time. She's now 18. And I asked her for the first time. I said, what is it that you actually believe about prayer?

Do you believe that when we're praying? You're actually talking to a Heavenly Father that's listening to tons of prayers at the same time. He cares about what you're thinking about. I mean, that's a big thing to believe. And she goes, well, Dad, I don't know. I mean, that's a hard one to believe. It's, I'm wrestling with it. So we, for months, just kind of wrestled through her beliefs and what it means to believe.

They got to go to Summit Ministries here locally to deal with worldview topics. From that point forward, we're kind of digging into all the, you know, what are the different world views that are out there? And how can we, how do we know that the Bible and Christian faith that are true? And so we would just carve out whenever we could. It wasn't like a daily thing. It wasn't even weekly. It was whenever we could, we would do that. Yet we would continue to pray daily and read God's word.

And I would continue to tell her, this is what this means to me as a dad. And I realize you're on a journey. And so we've had powerful conversations that way. And a big one that my daughters appreciated is me just listening to her wrestling match of her beliefs and being present. trying to change it or panicking, but allowing for her to be on this journey of discovery and exploration of what it means to believe in God herself. So those are a few of the things we've done together as a family. My son is currently in Taiwan on a missions trip, on a basketball

missions trip, and it's just exciting to see him sharing his faith along the way and seeing him own his faith. It's been it's been a fun time of discovery and a lot of imperfections along the way. I don't want to present a picture that's all just beautiful, right? We've had our moments of disagreement. I still ask my son. So what does it mean to have a clean room? What does that look like to you, you know, 20 years old? And so anyway, we continue to have some fun, lighthearted conversations and also just now being able to teach them how to own the life they've got in a way that's healthy, healthy balance on the area of, you know, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, relationally, how can they be healthy human beings?

And I've been asking them, how can I be of support now as your dad? Because I love you. I would die for you. I want you to know that. So I want you to do life well. And let me know how I can be of help. That's beautiful. how have you personally stayed in a place of peace or maybe grown a muscle of comfortability

when your kids are questioning things that you believe are true, they're foundational to your life for you, obviously your faith, but for many parents, you know, obviously they raise their children to have similar faith perspective, maybe a similar political perspective. And then when kids start to question that and push back,

it's very easy to enter that place of panic. And oh, my goodness, you know, you're sort of future-tripping in a way. And you're thinking about, wow, what if they walk away from this view or this belief? And what is that going to mean? How have you managed to kind of lean into that space and just be comfortable with your kids wrestle and asking those hard questions? Yeah, I think it's because I did the same thing at 16, 17. It was allowed to have the space to do so and know the value of that.

And I love the word future tripping. I've never heard that one. That's pretty good, Virginia. It's not original to me. I know a great counselor that uses that term. Oh, really future tripping. I like it. So with that, I do realize that God loves my kids more than I could ever love them,

even though I love them to a great degree in depth, I know that he's pursuing them in that that I maybe sometimes just need to get out of the way of that. And I can just do my best. That's all I can offer. I can't control my kid's faith. Now, are there moments where I feel a sense of anxiousness? Absolutely. I go, okay, are they going the wrong direction?

Are they going to lose the faith? And they're not going to see them for eternity? in heaven. And when you start thinking the full picture, you're like, whoa, it starts to create an anxious feeling. And what's reassuring to me is the continual prayer, but the continual conversation, that we have an open conversation on it. And when my daughter, and she is owning it, now she's reading her Bible every single day. She's writing her own Psalms. As they own their faith, it creates a steadfastness for when they're outside of the home. And that's what I want them to wrestle with their faith while I'm there.

And I can be a part of their conversations rather than somebody else being a part of the conversations as they're doubting things. Critical. Dr. Weirta, a focus on the family. Dr. Werta, how can we follow your work? How can we pull on the resources that focus on the family offers to be a good parent, to be a good dad, to be a good mom? Yeah, focus on parenting.com. We have a lot of articles, including one on the superhero powers of dads. And that's one way.

And we've got Instagram, Focus Parenting, Instagram page, and then we've got Focus on Parenting podcast as well. So many, many ways you can follow us and have resources given to you. And I have one specifically to fathers here for fathers. Their moms, I guess, can grab these as well. They're dad jokes. And you can just text joke, J-O-K-E to 32728. Again, text joke, 3-2-7-28. And then you get some dad jokes like this one is, what animals are in depth?

This is one of my favorites, ducks. They are always, they always have bills. And so the more cheese, the better. And you can bring those to your family. You'll get two a day from here until Father's Day. and if you want some beyond, just let us know. We'll continue to send out those dad jokes. Then we also have conversation starters, age and stage that you can sign up for on that text

to you as you look for those that you'll continue to get some of those texted to you. And we just want you to have some simple, simple tools and wins as you create momentum that is life-giving in your home. Excellent. Dr. Daniel Werta. Thank you so much for your time today. And happy Father's Day. Thank you, Virginia.

Thanks for having me on the show. And with that, that's going to do it for today's episode. Again, happy Father's Day. To all of our dads, we hope that you all feel celebrated this weekend. Get outside. Do something fun with the kids. And if you haven't had the chance, be sure. Maybe this weekend is maybe you're driving to the lake or something.

But check out our evening show right here in this podcast feed. where we keep you up to date on the news of the day. And take a minute to leave us a five-star rating and review wherever you like to get your podcast. We're across all podcast platforms, and we love seeing those five-star ratings and reviews come in. All right, have a great weekend. We'll see you right back here at 5 p.m. for our top news edition.

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