The Daily Zeitgeist - Icon #5: Santa Claus w/ Blake Wexler

Episode Date: December 15, 2025

Hello, The Internet!™, and welcome to this spinoff episode of The Daily Zeitgeist we’re calling The Iconograph: a show about icons. In this episode, Jack and Miles are joined by comedian Blake Wexler to talk about the only man in history that people actually WANT to invade their homes in the middle of the night: Santa Claus! They'll explore his origins and evolution, where he got his iconic fit, and the true existential terror of being Santa Claus!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast, Guaranteed Human. I'm Stefan Curry, and this is Gentleman's Cut. I think what makes Gentleman's Cut different is me being a part of developing the profile of this beautiful finished product. With every sip, you get a little something different. Visit Gentleman's Cut Bourbon.com or your nearest Total Wines or Bevmo. This message is intended for audiences 21 and older. Gentleman's Cut Bourbon, Boone County, Kentucky. For more on Gentleman's Cut Bourbon, please visit

Gentleman'scuturban.com. Please enjoy responsibly. Have you ever listened to those true crime shows and found yourself with more questions than answers? Who catfishes a city? Is it even safe to snort human remains? Is that the plot of Footloose? I'm comedian Rory Scoville,

and I'm here to tell you, Josh Dean and I have a new podcast that celebrates the amazing creativity of the world's dumbest criminals. It's called Crimeless, a true crime comedy podcast. Listen on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey there, Dr. Jesse Mills here. I'm the director of the men's clinic at UCLA, and I want to tell you about my new podcast called The Mail Room. And I'm Jordan, the show's producer. And like most guys, I haven't been to the doctor in way too long. I'll be asking the questions we probably should be asking, but aren't. Every week, we're breaking down the world of men's health

from testosterone and fitness to diets and fertility. We'll talk science without the jargon and get your real answers to the stuff you actually wonder about. So check out the mailroom on the IHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite shows. What up, y'all? It's your boy, Kevin on stage. I want to tell you about my new podcast called Not My Best Moment, where I talk to artists, athletes, entertainers, creators, friends, people I admire who have had massive success about their massive failures. What did they mess up on? What is their heartbreak?

And what did they learn from it? I got judged, oh, horribly. The judges were like, you're trash. I don't know how you got on the show. Check out Not My Best Moment with me, Kev on stage, on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcast. Hello, the internet, and welcome to this iconograph episode of Do Daily Zytheist! Ah!

Instead of looking at, oh, you just found out about this? Instead of looking at the Zykegeist through current events, once a week we're looking at the Zykeyes through the lens of the, the powerful pop cultural whor cruxes that are our icons. We've done Einstein. We've done Urkel. We've done Miss Piggy with Jamie Loftus.

Arnold Schwarzenegger with John Gabris. We use these characters and celebrities to create meaning to build identity to insert some pagan black magic into our Jesusy holiday celebrations to learn that obesity can actually make you immortal and to give old men something to do around the holidays when they'd otherwise

be watching Fox News. That's right in episode five. We're talking Sannie Claus. Maybe the most recognizable figure on the planet. In this context, I am now wondering, is this our most famous figure? Visual. Yeah. Very recognizable.

And he's got a recognizable voice. Yeah. Yeah. Today's dossier was prepared by Dave Ruse. Stick around until the end for my final thoughts and my no, no, no, no, notebook dump. Um, this time my final thoughts are a mind-fuck thought experiment about the time space continuum from Santa's point of view. That's a stick around for that. And I'm thrilled to be joined as always by my co-host, Mr. Miles Gray. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, yeah. That's how people laugh. Um, really? I mean, whoever came. What a time that was. And you go, oh, my God. Did you hear what Fred?

What the fuck is wrong with that guy? You hear what Fred just laid down in the booth, dude? Oh, my God. Run that back. Really? Yeah, one more time. Oh, oh, whoa. You got it.

You got it. And in our third seat, a brilliant comedian writer, actor, coiner of the phrase plumbers to describe his jacked thighs. Auto correct keeps trying to change it to plumbers because it knows that the word that he created should not exist. Please welcome the brilliant, the hilarious, the riding a recumbent bicycle in short shorts. It's Blake Waxler! Hey, this is Blake Waxler, a.k.a. Jiggle legs. Jiggle legs. My plumbers cause dismay. Little shorts is where they thrive. A metric ton is what they weigh. Oh, B. Hey, baby. We're not doing Austin Powers. That's next week, Blake. Ah, damn it. Okay. The runner up for the most recognizable.

second most famous person on the planet. Santa and Jesus, yeah. And awesome. Yeah, I do want to just open up with that question. Is Santa Claus the most famous figure on the planet? Do you have an answer to this question? I do. I think it is. I think it's Santa. I mean, we, Jesus we've talked about before. Like, Jesus is very

recognizable, but like, you, he doesn't have a recognizable laugh. He doesn't, like, his voice could be anything. It's just really a sense of humor. Yeah. I think Beard is helpful for. for iconism, for icon status. Because you can just throw one on and everyone's like, it's Jesus or it's Santa. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think the only other pop culture icon that challenges Santa is Mickey Mouse in terms of recognizability. But unlike Mickey, Santa's open source, you won't get sued for dressing up as him or have to like tiny fuppets, a version called like Marky Morse or some shit. Yeah, right.

And then also, unlike Mickey, he almost never looks the same. It is truly iconography. Like, he, he's like AI art before AI art. Like, his face changes in every depiction that you see of him. But his signifiers are so iconic that, like, it doesn't matter, you know, what his facial structure looks like. He can be, you know, the old guy from Jurassic Park, uh, who played, Santa and Miracle on

34th Street Miracle on 44th Street Yeah He can be the fucking Grinch In a clearly in a bad Santa costume Do not say that name Do not bring up that man Not now

No no no Not on this day He could be your school's assistant principal I actually talked to a Santa We took our kids to see Santa And he Like I was talking to him off the clock and he's the assistant principal at a local elementary school and he's never

once been clocked because he's wearing and he not not like a fake white beard like he has a beard coming out of his face and i was like you so do you shave that when you're not doing santa he's like no i have it the whole time no yeah wait also talking to i was talking to him off the clock what were you like hanging out in the parking lot of vaping or something like poker yeah i was rolling and dice in the back behind the grove and he came through on a smoke break what's so bitch

oh Santa but yeah this guy is a normal big white beard in his normal day to day like the type of person you'd be like all right Santa Claus right right that's amazing he's hiding in plain sight like the mystique is that powerful you know yeah yeah I mean

when you know when you're going to visit Santa like as a kid your brain shuts off. Yeah. Completely. And I've only done it twice and they were both disasters as a kid. So it's, but I, I wanted it to work so bad. You still time.

You visited Santa twice as a kid and they were both disasters? Yeah, like one. Yeah. Yeah. I fucking stabbed the first guy real bad. I set the second one on fire. No, like the first time was just so petrified of this fucking guy. I was like ready.

You know what I mean? It was built up my head. got up there and I was like get me the fuck away from this freak was sort of like my energy suddenly like on a dime it changed and then the second time I think it was like around the time when I knew

it was bullshit and I just did it because I thought everyone else was doing it and I just I think I debased myself I think so why that was a disaster character wise I feel like he's somewhat consistent Santa but not always like I was looking back through

you know stereotypically he's jolly basically like an old jolly drunk guy but then in the Santa Claus which I watched for the first time for this you're welcome he's like the most divorced man of all time well Tim Allen yeah but also just yeah okay

he starts as the most divorced man of all time and then the second he starts growing the beard he starts caring about toys and little kids it's like a weird physical transition he like gets fat and immediately like can can't do his job without being like the kids deserve better um did you watch the stop motion rudolph growing up i've seen it before yeah he is such an asshole in that he's so mean he's kind of a mean old man right yeah he's like really mean like they there's this one part where the elves

are like so worried about performing this song that they wrote for santa and santa's just like all right I'm busy so you better make it quick and then they sing it for him and like the lead elf is like conducting and like looking over his shoulder and terror is he smiling and then at the end he's like did you like it and he's like it needs work

I have to go wow whose dad was that I know they were writing that part Jesus he also like Rudolph's like nose is treated like a birth defect and like it's the Spartans from 300, he, like, tells his dad that he's like, you better hide that away.

Nobody wants to see that shit around here. Like, he puts a nose covering on Rudolph, and everyone, it, like, falls off and everyone's like, oh, get the fuck out of here. And Santa tells his dad he should be ashamed of himself. Not for, like,

covering it up, but like, I think for letting him live, like, I think that's the implication. Jesus. But yeah, I think Elf kind of has that, that, like, there are different genres of Santa. I'd say elf is in the

harried, stressed out by the job genre of Santa's. Right, right, right. Yeah, try to play it real. Like, could you imagine if you were Santa, I'd be fucking stressed. There's an idea. Do you know the Trenton sign like that you see off of, like,

off my favorite thing? It's my favorite, not just sign thing. Yeah, that exists. Amtrak, when you're riding the Amtrak, you go through the city of Trenton, New Jersey, and there's a big sign that says, Trenton makes the world takes, and that's the energy that I get from that genre of

Santa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got to bring toys to everyone. Nobody cares about Santa, which I feel like that's a very evolved American version of Santa, where it's just like, harried boss who's got like too much shit

going on. Right. And also probably like as stand, like I think people are projecting like the stress of providing parents onto the Santa character too in that version. That's funny. Hating your kids onto that Santa. Like this guy's too nice. But I did want to ask up top, like,

who is the most iconic Santa to you? I asked my kid to close his eyes and like picture Santa and he was like a red clothes, big jelly beard white or big jelly belly white beard. And I was like, okay, but where did you like, where is that

image from he was like white beard big jelly bell like he he couldn't yeah couldn't like figure out where he was getting it from hmm i don't have i don't think i have i know it's weird it's like oh this is good podcasting yeah i don't know i don't have one but i don't know i think that's the point though i'm joking i'm joking i joke i know yeah it is hard because there's so many obviously it's not tim allen right it could be there's like 50 Coca-Cola ones right you know so it's hard to pick one of those it's probably some it's probably not a person for me it's probably some like printed image of santa that probably sticks out in my mind the most yeah yeah yeah i think i think that's right like but it just like nobody has been played by more people

than santa claus like batman and bond don't have shit on him which it's a pretty easy role to play like it doesn't really force you to stretch your chops too much uh because he's just like happy and then the suit does as we as I saw with that like assistant principal like that does most of the work you don't you don't have to be doing shit um but yeah yeah I think there are I definitely remember Santas that were like took me out of the magic of it even though I never really believed it as a kid I remember seeing like if someone was in like a janky Santa costume I was like this is a fucking bullshit this is stupid and you stink like your boots are like little spats you're wearing over your sneakers they're not even real fucking boots your belt buckles plastic like that

it's weird when i see the lack of attention to detail on a costume because i think the costume does so much for the fucking character that the second it's like phoned in or whatever um i'm like you're not you're not him bro i think the tim allen movie is actually like a good metaphor for like what happens to certain old men like as they get older they're just like this is my shit it now. I am Santa Claus. The guy I was talking to he was like yeah I give all the money

to charity except like a big chunk of it I invest back into the suit and I'm just like getting a new suit and like improving my suit every year like he's just really into the magic of it which is really cool but like it does become a calling

for certain old guys which I think is fucking great like honest there's way word calling. At least there's some positivity. That or to Miles. Yeah, yeah, it's really a coin flip. Or in Tim Allen's case, both. Yeah. He did both.

But I did come into this show with an agenda to Miles's point is that as a Philadelphia Eagles fan, we have been trashed for decades for throwing snowballs at and booing Santa. And I want to set

that record straight. It wasn't an immaculate but Santa, like we're talking about, you know, like a great suit. This person did not reinvest their money into this suit. He was booed and was pelted by ice because he looked like shit. And that's why he was being booed. It was the worst costume you'll ever see. And it's kind of like Bigfoot or Loch Ness monster footage of actually seeing the old clip

where it was in the 70s or 80s and everyone just went nuts because he just looked like, I was wearing like a red crew neck and just some. floppy ass hat was like gaunt. Yeah. Like everybody who had kids there with them was like,

what's wrong with Santa? Yeah, it was like, now I have to explain this drunk of my way home or drive. It's just so, for the average. It's literally a spoon hanging out of his back pocket. Like track marks on its arm.

Hey man, I'm here for the Santa gig. Scratchiness. What the hell? Yeah. Sure, a lot of them out. They have put him in veteran stadium.

But I do want to say, it wasn't like, it wasn't a, heartless thing. It was correcting a behavior that he was corrective. It takes you out of it. It takes you out. I don't know why, but yeah, I get it. It's like because if he, if he looked like

Santa, he'd fucking command the respect for sure, standing ovation. That's a fucking usurper. And I think that's what people were reacting to. And I think that's an appropriate. Is that also the case when you threw batteries at the Easter bunny? Was that, wasn't that a thing that also happened in Philadelphia sporting about?

So that bunny was actually a guy in a bunny costume. Okay. That's why we were pissed. We were promised a humongous rodent. Yeah. Oh my God. Put the money into the suit, asshole. Yeah.

So I think the most iconic Santa, the one that like if I, if my brain is forced to pick just one Santa, it's probably the Coca-Cola Santa, which I think this is where the long-standing myth comes from, that Coca-Cola invented Santa Claus. We just had a guest, like, say that, matter-of-factly on an episode,

episode and we'll fucking fool okay um no but everybody thinks that uh we'll get into it santa's been around for centuries before coca cola uh they did do they contributed a lot to like kind of crystallizing what we think of as santa but like all of the details were there before coke um they started using santa for christmas advertising campaigns in the 1920s um it's like not quite there yet. And then the guy who in the early 1930s really like turned it into the one that

we know today is this guy Hayden Sunny Sunblum aka Adolf Hitler. No, just this guy just an artist who broke and clock worked for a Chicago marketing firm. He

also created the Quaker Oats guy. So this is again, we talked about Bonnie Erickson. In our Miss Piggy episode, Blake, we talked about this woman, Bonnie Erickson, who made, designed Miss Piggy and also the Philly Fanatic. God, that's awesome. The two

greatest things that have ever been paid. Yeah, exactly. Two greatest things. Oh, that's so cool. Bonnie Erickson, you said? Yeah. I'm going to write that. I'll just listen to the episode. I'm a fan of all you guys. I don't know why I don't just listen to the episode. I'm going to write down Bonnie Erickson. Yeah, Bonnie Erickson. All right, what are you going to do with that? Miles was going to

test with this. Quaker Oats guy was on my list. I was like, Who should we cover first? The Quaker Oats guy? Yeah. I find that guy really like, he's frozen in my mind. And there was like earlier versions of the Quaker Oats guy who looks like shit. His like suit is like brown and he's like,

he just looks like overweight and terrible. And then he gave us the one that we know today. And say he kind of did a similar thing with Coca-Cola, came in, drew it. He is Swedish. And he, uh, kind of copied himself, gave it the rosy cheek, big belly, and a lot of the really iconic images that are like still sold and collected as pop art

are his work. There's one where like Santa's like big bellies out and he's holding up a Coke. There's one where he's opening a refrigerator and like a kid is catching him, like raiding the refrigerator. And this one brings up a big question. that comes up a lot across the history of Santa. How tall do you think Santa is? Oh, damn. Oh, God. 510.

5.10. Interesting. I don't think he's very tall. My 7-year-old thought he was 6'3. Actually, he first he said probably 2 feet taller than you. I was like, he's 8 feet tall? Yeah. He's like, no, no, no, like the top of that window right there.

He just wanted me to leave him alone. um i don't know what is this for your podcast yeah literally bigger than you the one of the window you could probably kick your ass if that's you're asking but in some of these drawings like the kid comes up to his shoulder he's fucking tiny mm-hmm it's like a jake jillen hall situation where like he's very famous but we have no idea how tall he is you know six feet tall okay uh-huh that's what he says sure he said i mean that's what charlie being tall is one of the worst tragedies i think of our time more he's someone who you would think

personality-wise would be quite short and that's why he like might act that way but yeah he's like he's a taller than Obama I almost I almost didn't vote for him I almost didn't vote for him did a long look at Kamala and Biden

hey I had to pinch my nose on at the ballot box it's like listen put me in this position um this guy also sunny sunblom Sundblom was a prolific pin-up artist which was a skill set back when people jacked off

to drawings of naked women and Playboy in 19792 commissioned a special Christmas cover that was basically a naked woman in a Santa costume like with the front open

when was this if I how do I type this in to find this why are you sifting through files that are open on your desk. In December, 1972, enjoy our gala

Christmas issue. Nutty new humor by Woody Allen. It's right there on the first is the first subtitle right there. Yeah. They even wrote it in

Coke font. The gala, they wrote a gala and coke Hey, Ralph Nader even gets a little piece in there. There you know.

You got Nader in there. Nader. You got the girl. You got producer, Robert Evans also in there. Just so perfectly 1970s. Wow. And there's a bunch of things that we

drew that you're going to want to jack off. Yeah, that you're like, oh man, you've seen the 1972, you seen the December Playboy with that hot roaring on it? What the fuck is this? My God, she forgot her dress was

open. They didn't, she had no idea and they got her at a bad time for her, great for us. Wow, that artist must have really caught her at a weird time. She must have been posing like that for hours. Wow. What was going through her mind? So the guy who gave us Modern Santa, a bit of a pervert.

I'm Stefan Curry, and this is Gentleman's Cut. I think what makes Gentleman's Cut different is me being a part of developing the profile of this beautiful finished product. With every sip, you get a little something different. Visit Gentleman's Cut. Bourbon.com or your nearest total wines or Bevmo. This message is intended for audiences 21 and older. Gentleman's Cup Bourbon, Boone County, Kentucky. For more on Gentleman's Cut Bourbon, please visit

gentlemen's cut bourbon.com. Please enjoy responsibly. Have you ever listened to those true crime shows and found yourself with more questions than answers? And what is this? How is that not a story we all know? What's this? Where is that?

Why is it wet? Boy, do we have a show for? you. From smartless media, campside media, and big money players comes crimeless. Join me, Josh Dean, investigative journalists. And me, Roy Scoville, comedian, as we celebrate the amazing creativity of the world's dumbest criminals. We'll look into some of the silliest ways folks have broken the laws. Honestly, it feels more like a high-level prank than a crime. Who catfishes a city? And meets some memorable anti-heroes. There are thousands of angry, horny monkeys.

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I'm the director of the men's clinic at UCLA Health, and I want to tell you about my new podcast called The Mailroom. And I'm Jordan, the show's producer. And like a lot of guys, I haven't been to the doctor in many years. I'll be asking the questions we probably should be asking, but aren't. Because guys usually don't go to the doctor unless a piece of their face is hanging off or they've broken a bone. Depends which bone. Well, that's true.

Every week, we're breaking down the unique world of men's health, from testosterone and fitness to diets and fertility, and things that. that happened in the bedroom. You mean sleep? Yeah, something like that, Jordan. We'll talk science without the jargon and get you real answers to the stuff you actually wonder about. It's going to be fun, whether you're 27, 97, or somewhere in between.

Men's Health is about more than six packs and supplements. It's about energy, confidence, and connection. We don't just want you to live longer. We want you to live better. So check out the mailroom on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite shows. but yeah so in reality modern santa is a combination of medieval catholic miracle stories pagan european folklore and some good old-fashioned american myth making but had nothing to do with

coca cola uh so let's get into it it goes back santa claus was a fourth century greek bishop from a city called Myra, which is modern-day Turkey. His parents died and left him a lot of money, original Nepo baby, sold all his possessions and gave his money to the poor, died around 3.43, was buried in Myra, and then his grave became a popular pilgrimage site because his Crip issued a miraculous liquid called Mana that was believed to have healing properties.

And then in 1087 Italian sailors stole St. Nicholas's bones from Myra and relocated them to a new crypt where the relics kept producing healing goo. I just love how boring life was back then. Oh, man. We're organizing a raid to dig up the magic bones that produced the medicine out of the walls. Goob bones.

Is there any like modern day take on that? They're like, yeah, they were eating mold that was collected. Yeah, I don't know. Emulsified insects. Like, I don't know. what it could have been. They were liars. Healing goo.

You're going to get sick. You're going to get sick. You're going to get sick if you keep eating this shit. Oh, yeah. Stop eating the bones. Ah, we got to steal the bones. We need it for ourselves. What's the fuck?

On that grave over there. It is a little bit of a hot part. There's like not that much is known about him. He's similar to Jesus in that like a lot of the stuff that was written about him was written hundreds of years after his death. and there's also other St. Nicholas's so that shit like got lumped in there. Not my St. Nicholas.

But then there are like a bunch of miracle stories about the St. Nicholas that you can see the beginnings of the Santa Myth. There's one where rich guy falls on hard times. He has three beautiful daughters approaching marrying age. Or without money for their dowries, they're never going to get married. Uh-oh.

And you know what that means? You're going to be forced into prostitution. And then in the middle of the night, St. Nick tossed a bag of gold coins through the poor family's window, not as a proposition. Don't get your head out of the gutter. Yeah.

It landed in a stocking left out to dry by the fireplace. Presumably he was like, LeBron. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And then she got married. He did the same for the other three daughters.

and that is the first Santa origin story is basically like the setup for a dirty joke where it's like this farmer has three daughters and they're all hot and he's like if I don't get some money soon I'm gonna have to letting people bang them what the fuck and then St. Nick is just throwing fucking coins out into a sock magically

what a beautiful man which is how people beat each other in jail I believe coins in a sock yeah times of change sorry white collar jail that's what they do they put gold in a sock these CEOs beat each other to tell how cool would that be well we're pretty close yeah one place that i feel like we see the coca colaization of santa is in the edit because like some of the early legends are pretty fucked up uh there's one from france that is apparently still very popular that they still read to young

children scarring them for life in the story three young kids wander off to play lose track of time they're hungry and tired and far from home they spot a light in a butcher shop and ask the man for food and shelter the butcher who I feel

like the butchers are never good guys in these little stories invites them in and chops the kids into pieces and seals them up in a large pickle barrel seven years past St. Nicholas shows up

and is like give me the kids and he's like what are you talking about St. Nick and he gets them to rise from the pickle barrels and then that

that's like a foundational Christmas story in France. What's the moral of that story? Wait, he raised them from the dead? Raises them from the dead. They were just chopped up.

Jack, they were just chopped the fuck up. That's what I'm saying, man. But you don't know what. Pickled mincemeat and then St. Nick just pulls up and he's like, rise little goblin motherfuckers. Yeah. That's demonic.

That's demonic. I'm sorry. An earlier version of the story, the kids were traveling university students that he drugged and killed, which sounds like, yeah, that one sounds like it's like more based in fact, you know. Is that from the 70s? Yeah, I know, right? Okay. So thank God for studio notes. Otherwise, we'd be, you know.

hampering traveling university students. But yeah, I feel like this is one of those things that like when it gets taken to America, they're like, that's a little dark, man. Oh, no. Let's get that out of here. And also, we don't like stories where there's like, and that's why you got to be a good person. Like, right? It's like, what?

The American ethos is like, and that's why you had to steal it from that weaker person. And they're punks. And it's funny like that, like even for something like, Christmas, it's never like, got to be careful, you know, at the end of the day. You never know what's going to happen. It's like, that fucker didn't bring me what I wanted. Yeah. You must consume. That is the backstory of one of the people who doesn't believe in Santa and the Santa Claus is that he does, like the kids don't get the gift they wanted. They're like, see, Santa's not real. It's like, hey, shut the fuck up. It actually, Jesus went down for that one. That's when I was like,

this is a scam because at my Christian school, they said to pray for. is some shit that you wanted and that didn't happen I said this is a scam then Santa was up next and I said let's see what you got asshole nothing so fuck them both so I ended up by 1991 Miles I thought your problem was that when Santa didn't give you your gift his boss Jesus

didn't step in right I'm not going to blame the middle manager I'm gonna go above his head Jesus fixed it let me tell you some he came through he came Jesus Christ so in France where this story again huge fucking explains a lot

about France the evil butcher transformed over time to the dark figure of something Per Fletard which translates to Father Whipper or Father Flog and there in many European countries St. Nick is

accompanied by a helper who punishes the naughty children like there's we'll get into Crampus a little bit later some of the early American celebrations in like more Germanic communities had some like fucking terrifying pictures

Are you sure we all have more on father flog? That's the sickest name I've ever. Holiday S&M god. The leather daddy. You know there's some kinky ass father flog

fucking shit out there now. But I do feel like the dark side of the Santa mat like I have kids who are right in the wheelhouse of the Santa thing right now and I've always been like all right like the dark side seems excessive to me like we we don't need that but like we do this tradition where like an el one of Santa's elves like visits one of our closets between Thanksgiving and Christmas and like leaves one gift

for each of them um just to like it's like an appetizer for Christmas it's fun itcabod is the is the elf shout out I have like a long one-sided conversation with them yeah um and two and a half hours in that closet a lot of a lot of grievances aired but immediately after my seven year old got his presence he was like

and so like he can't take this anymore right like if I'm bad he can't take this anymore like this is mine now right I was like what am right like is he coming back to rob the house and he's also like been coming home

school like all the kids in his second grade class are obsessed with crampus like he's coming home with like all these questions about like where the alps are and like how does crampus attack france from the alps like are the alps in in france or like how does he get there um how does he get past the maginot line exactly that's exactly what he asked um but he i think he believes in crampus more than santa claus maybe that's wait so what is that what is so what does that even me like crampus is a phrase you get his ass kicked yeah i think so he's like i mean my parents wouldn't make up crampus you know but they'd probably tell me he wasn't real so i'd put it end so what are you gonna let him you're gonna let him be terrorized by crampus or what no i've i've

told him crampus isn't real um but i think he doesn't believe me oh shit yeah he's like exactly that's what you're right yeah sure just like saw ron but i do feel like this is probably where we get the Grinch from. I feel like of American Christmas icons, the Grinch is the most he's the biggest riser to use a term from sport. Like he's, he's really

coming up fast. Yeah, he's really got spring ability, great stretchability. Great measurables. He's tall. Grinch is definitely taller than Santa like significantly. Right? Yeah. You think so?

I think so. I think of him as like a tall parasite with legs like he's yeah yeah yeah yeah he's got he's gonna die of a heart attack soon not just because his heart is three sizes too small he's just got that build big gut skinny legs yeah but I feel like that's because

we need a dark Santa like helper or something and that's where that's where the Grinch like comes in we need a bad guy he needs some teeth for whatever reason when the Grinch would come on it like ruined it because I'm like this is not fucking this is not christmas this is some asshole ruining it and i know i don't want any fucking

part of it i want to have a nice ending to the year my and now my fucking kid loves the fucking grinch the the the the benedic cumberbatch one the whatever the animated cumber grinch yeah yeah yeah the elimination one yeah yeah exactly exactly that one he that one he fucking the one the jim carrie one he saw like for a second and he was like what's he's like who are these people no thank you again another horny christmas thing the key party and the but yeah

also like the ultimate dark act that a holiday figure can do which is like you know property theft it's like a porch pirate yeah exactly the sneaker collabs around

Christmas about or the themes around the Grinch are often really cool looking you know like where they release like a new Kobe that's like neon green with like red and it's like this is so sick. And then if you buy it, it's like, where would I ever wear this? Like, this is so ugly when you actually

have it. It only works in the context of me being Kobe Bryant playing on Christmas Day on a professional basketball him. Otherwise, what the fuck is? Hey, you never know. You never know. You never know. You never know, Dad. I might become Kobe Bryant on Christmas day. Fine. Fine.

We'll buy them. Are there any Santa-based shoes? Like, has anybody ever rocked with like bright red patent leather shoes with, like, the fur around the piping? I don't know about, oh, that would be, I feel like that would definitely be something you'd seen like the NFL more than like NBA. Or like Meta World Peace would be the only guy I can picture, you know, going, like putting a little bell on his toes, like running around.

Because do you remember he had those sneakers called the Panda's Friend where it was he, they were an actual stuffed animal. He basically put on his shoes. And played in the NBA. Yeah. In either of the end, that was in China when he was playing in China, yeah. Because didn't he change his name to, like, Panda something, too?

I think he may have changed his name to the Panthers' friend. It was, there was like a whole thing, I remember. He's just like, that's serious. I think that happened. Who cares about my name anymore? Yeah, his name was Panda. His name was Panda's friend. Perfect.

Anyway, yeah. What a treasure. That's a guy who turned his narrative around. That guy was a Grinch in Detroit when he entered the stands. and he became totally turned it around. And now he's panda's friend. Yeah, but I think that's the closest we've seen

to a whimsical sneaker. Although I feel like these younger players now are more into like super out there sneaker. Kyrie did like a, didn't you do a serial based one? They've all had. Yeah. I mean,

that's a pretty well. It's a big one. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yep. Santa doesn't really like, I feel like he's too mainstream. It wouldn't be cool to have a Santa sneaker.

You want you want the Grinch. no and there's no edge to Santa too you know what I mean That's what I'm saying man He needs the Grinch I think he needs to officially go into business with the Grinch Oh like they need a team up So that's kind of like fire nice

It's just like our mind craves Like I didn't introduce Fucking Crampus to my kid He just like was like All right Tell me about Chris Tell me everything about crampus Straight with me

Yeah I didn't know about crampus Till like college Yeah I think it's becoming I think dark alternatives to Santa are invading the culture and the iconography around Christmas. Same-sex marriage. Just say it, Jack. Just get to it. Let's not talk around it. That's why I never heard it crampus when I was a kid. 15th century St. Nicholas is starting to spread Germany, Netherlands, St. Nicholas Day.

For a while I was celebrated on December 6th because that was his patron saint day. I feel like that was a much bigger deal back in the day. It was like, you know, who's Saint Day it is? They just needed something, you know? Well, then you had a whole party. I'm fucking bored. I've been sucking on this grave for three days in a row. I haven't gotten to medicine.

It just hits different ever since we stole the bones from Turkey. But yeah, this is the first time that, like, kids would wake up to little gifts, like, sweets and dolls, and they had to make up an excuse for how St. Nicholas was getting into the house so he could like pass through doors and for the first time he started talking about sliding down chimneys but his outfit was still pretty fucked up at this point he wore a pope hat that is fucked that is weird he started wearing the red rubs but he was wearing a pope hat which the pope hat is just the funniest fashion choice of all time is it just like I'm a humble servant of god and then the hat is like three feet tall right

Just so over the top. But you will never have a hat like this. I'm taller than everyone. It's an antenna. I couldn't hear God if my hat wasn't so high. So his voice could pierce the hat and then go into my head. All right. Enter the Protestants. And I feel like the origin of Santa is one of the only stories where Catholics come off looking good by comparison. So Protestant leaders like Martin Luther are like, get rid of that shit. No. Catholic saints no worshiping.

It was just a thing where you brought presents to baby Jesus on his birthday. Chris Kringle, by the way, an anglicized version of Chris Kindle.

So his nickname is basically just a translation of baby Jesus, which is why we sing Big baby Jesus, I can't wait. Every Christmas Eve in my household.

That's what it really. That's what it meant. It was Baby Jesus? Yeah. Chris Kringle is Christi. Oh shit. Christ Kindle.

Christ Kindle. Okay. But yeah, Protestants were kept trying to put out the Christmas thing. They're just like, fuck it. Like, this is so bad. Everybody's so happy and they're having fun. They keep fucking each other. And so.

They're looking at the window of their hut. These fuckers always have time. What's that? Martin writes it. about this. I'm on 98 motherfucker. Just wait. I've got one more loaded

for your fucking ass. So in so in trying to kill the St. Nicholas thing, they rebrand it like, they're like this fucking this shit won't go away. Like all our people are still wearing

the big fake white beard and stuff. So they rebrand him as Father Christmas in Germany. He's known as, why not schemann or Christmas man and looked exactly like St. Nicholas. I like that.

Yeah. So basically he gets like written out of the show and then his absence makes everybody miss him and he becomes stronger and becomes like the Marvel Avengers version of a Christmas superhero at this point. Oh, wow. So they did the, okay.

They banned cereal flavored vapes for the teens. Yeah, exactly. And they're just going to want it more popular. Wow. Okay. Okay. The Puritans come along in the mid-1600s, try to ban Christmas all together, and they thought the whole celebration reeked of Catholicism.

This stinks. The worst insults at the time, yeah. It reeks of Catholicism. I say that every Christmas, this whole thing. When it were where my house gets dirty, I'm like, this reeks of Catholicism. Yeah, you can always count on the Protestants to make the Catholics look. look good for the only time in history. First and final time.

Yeah. Late 1700s, early 1800s, it comes over to the U.S. People from England, Germany, Netherlands, bring their Christmas traditions with them. You get like a whole mixture of Father Christmas, Christkindle, Cinter Claus that kind of coalesces into the figure we call Santa Claus. And specifically New York City becomes a big focal point of this. like in the late 1700s, early 1800s. New Yorker Christmas time was like a little fucked up

because everybody got so drunk. And the holiday was an excuse to get drunk and harassed Catholics, according to the dossier. And so we get the Christmas riot of 1806 where mobs of drunken, anti-Catholic, anti-Irish sailors and journeymen butchers attacked St. Peter's Church. A local Irishman defended the church

and a police officer, Christian Lundswanger, was killed, making him the first NYPD officer killed in the line of duty at that time. And so Washington Irving

and other New York area writers are trying to like do a remake, create a new identity for New York at Christmas time because it was like at that time famous

for being a place to go like kill Catholics for sport. And so they mind the legends of, like, the first Dutch colonists. You create this thing, history of New York, written by this pen name pseudonymus author, Diedrich Knickerbocker. And this is where we get the phrase, Nickerbocker, which is like how we get the name of the basketball team to this day. But that story, that book, like, has a St. Nick part that people think. And like in that one, we get the first time where he's like riding a flying wagon.

There's no reindeer yet. And then climbs down chimneys, leaves gifts for children. So he's basically like popular fiction at the time starts taking these traditions and making it all. Making them like part of the popular consciousness. All as a distraction to be like New York City. Let's not talk about all that shit that happens at Christmas with the anti-Catholic. Right. Yeah.

There's a fucking guy who flies in a wagon. Yeah, look up there. Look up in the sky. How about that? Isn't that cool? Not that cool? Is that something, guys? And yeah, it was amazing.

So, what was the night before Christmas is the most famous Santa Claus poem? Some people say it's the most famous American poem of all time, which fucking sucks for America. But it turns out there's an even earlier anonymous poem. And we'll get to why it was anonymous in a bit. But it's called Old Santee Claus with Much Delight, published in 1821. and illustrated children's book. And it basically invents Santa's reindeer, delivering the gifts on Christmas Eve,

the slave flying over chimney tops. And when they like, it became so influential, they were like, wait, why don't we know who wrote this? And he says that the person who wrote it was from the far north near the Arctic lands

and that he had like brought this back. And it was basically like an indigenous person had like written this poem. And because they had, like, indigenous ancestry, he was like, we're just going to call this one anonymous. Yeah, we're essentially. Wow. Of course.

Completely all. It's fucking wild. So that's sort of like we're, like, attributing to the North Pole-ish, too. That's all sort of everything. It's from the North. That's why the reindeer get written into it. Wait, like, we're, like, indigenous people up there. No, no, it's like way, way norther than that.

No, even North. northern than that. He's probably never even met indigenous people. Hey, why's your hair so beautiful, man? Why is your hair so beautiful? Hey, what the fuck? What is this about? Like I said, some guy fucking told me from the north. But the guy

in talking about like the guy who wrote it, he said that his mother told him stories where he had heard that reindeer's could fly and his mother being an Indian of the area. I got a little

shout out. God, I just love, you go. So we're good here. It's just so funny that, like, all this, like, xenophobia is generating all this Christmas shit. Like, they were killing, like, beating up Irish Catholics and killing them. And they're like, we need a fucking new story for this city. And then I was like, uh, this indigenous thing.

It's like, what? What? I mean, wrong. North. North is what I. Better. Better. We like that.

Now, we like this story. Let's make a Viking guy or something. I don't know. Yeah, for sure, for sure. He was a Viking probably. Definitely, definitely. He had like blue eyes, I'm sure. Okay, okay, okay, yeah.

Okay. So fucking American. It's like crazy to me. They're like, those are the pressures. Like, you know, lightly forming this entire story. Yeah. He's got little sleigh, uh, helpers. Help, sorry, helpers.

Slay, he's in a sleigh. Slay is what I'm going to say slave. No, no, no, they're helpers. They assist. Not a wagon, a sleigh. Unpaid assistance. There's also a theory that goes that, because that, the tribe, the indigenous tribe that they kind of stole this flying reindeer thing from, also like the reindeer, eat a bunch of magic mushrooms, and so do the shamans in there. And the magic mushrooms are like bright red and white.

And they have a tradition where the shaman would come to your hands. house, come down the chimney, eat magic mushrooms, go to the underworld, that you feed him, you give him food. Cool, cool, cool. He eats the magic mushrooms, goes down into the underworld,

brings back gifts from the underworld. So it sounds like the whole thing could be like basically lifted a whole lot from this like mushroom trip tradition in a shamanic. And I'm sure like these gifts are like metaphorical too,

like wisdom and things. No, no, shut the fuck up. I want a rocking horse. Way station. But yeah, a shaman from near the North Pole drives a reindeer, pulled sleigh, enters through the chimney, eats red and white shrooms, goes on a trip, brings back gifts from the underworld. Like, it feels very similar. So, yeah, wow.

So how do we get milk into this? It was all covered except the milk. Yeah, right. Yeah. And Coca-Cola. But if you want to, speaking of Coca-Cola, if you want to, if you want to, find who really designed Santa. It's probably Thomas Nast. In terms of like what we think of when we picture

Santa, it's this guy, the most famous newspaper cartoonist of the 19th century. And so obviously a household name. But Thomas Nast coined the use of the elephant and the donkey for the Republican and Democratic parties. And one of the first cartoons that he ever did of Santa is he's bringing gifts to the Union soldiers and he has a puppet of Jefferson Davis with a noose around his neck so like Sansa's fucking

hey all right we're back yeah okay Santa all right all right Santa but these are ones where he kind of draws him as an elf again back to the height thing I feel like tall Santa is more

and more of a new invention and like back in the early days they were like no he's an elf too he's tiny but he drew images of Santa in his workshop, located at the North Pole, had an account book

in which he kept his list of naughty and nice children, and it's the first time that you see him. Like, there are a lot of paintings where it's like, okay, I see, like, this guy has a white beard, but prior to this, it's like, he kind of looks like an opium addict. Like, he has a pipe, but it's really long, and

he looks kind of gaunt and fucked up. Looks a little like the Philadelphia Eagles Santa Claus. But this is the guy who, like, kind of gives us big jolly, white bearded, red with white fur piping Santa Claus. This is, yeah, he's definitely, the pipe is, he is piping it up in, like, every one of these images. He's a big, like, smoking a pipe is a big part of his iconography that's gone away because of woke. Right. Woke.

I mean, you got to ask, like, what was in that pipe, man? It seems like Santa was into some real trippy shit. Yeah, man, whatever. You know what I'm saying? I'm smoking krills, baby. Don't worry about it. Krills. I haven't heard that term.

Chris, you want your present or what, man? I got a fucking lot of tables, man. I wonder why he's so happy. I mean, and his eyes, too, like, he's, the eyes are very, like, definitely what's in the pipe. It's not, like, it's not sort of, like, stoic pipe smoker man image. It's like, he looks high as fuck. I'm a lot of these. He's like, oh, shit, dude, you want this little puppet, dude?

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Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite shows. America. He shed a lot of the darker aspects of the St. Nicholas story. In France, as mentioned earlier, he's accompanied by a Punisher trickster figure who meets out beatings to all the bad kids. And like that's, I mean, that is essentially like the way that people, like the Trinch traditions that I've seen people doing in viral videos, it's like the parents come in and like steal the presence dressed as the Grinch. Like that feels like that's what they're trying to do. That's what they're trying to recreate, even though they probably don't know about it.

Cranpus, most famous one, hailing from Germany and Alpine, Austria, half man, half goat. Shit. He actually predates St.

Nicholas. I can't get out of here. I like that they were like, yeah, oh, St. Nicholas, you like that part. See,

we have this tradition mainly, our main part of the tradition is where, um, you know, this crampus guy comes in, uh, crampus means claw.

And he comes in. and he scratches your shit up and eats children who are bad. And like, some of the images are so fucking horrifying. It's just like him pulling children who are out of like a basket that they're hiding in with like a giant

fucking tongue. Yeah. Oh, my God, dude. This, these are really dark. Yeah. He's really trying that tongue. Put that away.

Yeah, this one right there. Yeah. there's another one this this child is in chains he's like ripping the kids ears off while licking his hair why is he licking everybody i don't like how he's got one hoof and one naughty foot you know that's for you you're like uh oh what's this what exactly are you crampus this is yeah he's oh yeah he's always got one foot and one hoof what is that about how did um this is probably probably actually don't answer this but i'm going to ask it. How did goats become

like satanic like iconography? Do we do is that anyone know that off the top of their heads? Have you ever hung out with a goat? They're fucking, their, their eyes are really fucking creepy. They are a little devilish. You feel it in the way they speak. It's the clove and hoof, right?

That's what it is biblically. It's like things with, I mean, horses have clove and hooves, don't they? Isn't that? I don't think. Yeah, but they got big asses. Uh, oh my God. Blake just got so horny. Sorry, sorry. For Jack and Santa, for me, it's a harsh.

Well, like, this is still, like, in the 1800s, crampus carton or crampus cards became a popular fixture of Christmas in Germany depicting a cloven-hooved, fork-tongued crampus, spiriting bad children down to hell with the cheery message, a grousse von Krampus, greetings from Kampas. Oh, shit.

And I'm taking you down to hell. A polite bastard. Is there, like, are the kids at your kids' school? Are they like, hell yeah, crampus? Are they like, fuck, dude, crampus, man? What are you doing at your house to fucking guard against? I think they're just like, it's anti-claws. Yeah, this is one kid who will always be like, yeah, I've seen that movie.

Here's how it is. And then, like, he, like, makes up the ending. And then my kids. I love that guy. Yeah, yeah. That's a cool. That's the best underrated. He actually fooled my ass.

He was like, yeah, I've seen the end game. And I never made it through end game. And so my kids came home. They were like, I know how Tony Stark dies. What's the, what was the big, um, purple bag.

Thanos? Yeah. He's like, I know how Tony Stark dies. Thanos chokes him and crushes his suit into his neck and like breaks all the bones in his neck. I was like, that's so fucked up.

Like what a dark thing. I was like, no, you guys aren't allowed to watch. Yeah, exactly. No, fuck. No. I'm going to puke. I'm going to puke.

But yes, that in fact wasn't. Oh, Jesus and fucking Christ. I'm going to fucking, oh, I'm going to shit. I'm so upset. There are other parts of Germany where he's more of a trickster, bell's nickel visits the home of Germany. kids a few weeks before Christmas to determine who's been naughty and who's been nice. And then

German immigrants brought Bell's Nickel traditions into central Pennsylvania where there's some just amazing photos from the early days of like St. Nicholas and then have you ever seen like those old Halloween pictures where it's like what the fuck kind of like

dark shit is this? This is way worse than I thought it was going to be. Yeah. This is as bad as it gets. Who the fuck are these freaks? This is really bad. That's what Santa used to look like there in the middle. Like the one on the... Holy hell.

Dude, this is fucking terrifying. It is one of the scary. It's scarier. Like, picture those like old Halloween costumes where it's like, what the fuck were people into? Like weird horse was way worse than that. Yeah. And like, are the other, are these dudes in blackface

or something? Yeah. We're about to get to that. Oh, no. No discussion of Santa Helper is complete without a mention of Black Pete. or is Warty Pius, as he's known in the Netherlands. His original role was to hand out treats to good kids and carry off the naughty kids in his oversized sack. He's one of Santa's helpers.

Over the next century, Black Pete was a celebrated part of Centrocloth traditions in the Netherlands. He was always depicted by white actors in blackface with large red lips and afro wigs, gold hoop earrings, and Moorish costume. And this has been a big, controversy in the Netherlands is like people have been like guys this is this is just black face

and like the people are like no no he's actually blackened by the soot from the chimney but his clothes aren't just like you just made that up on the spot yeah yeah yeah where's the so where's the soot from I don't know man you gotta ask him yeah I don't know what he's thinking about

yeah but Dutch people of color report being called black Pete pretty much from birth and the Centrocloth season is particularly traumatic so there was a 2012 nationwide campaign called Zwarti Pete is racism that succeeded in raising awareness of it

but also there's like a same thing like in Spain I know that I think with one of the wise men where it's like a huge thing like everybody's getting like everybody's getting in on it they're like hey man where's your where's your Balthazar where's your Balthasar

where's your Boulthar This is our black face. Yikes. No, this is just, this is just Christmas. This isn't racist. You're being a Grinch. Are you serious? Like, I'm doing this because I'm so happy.

It's like the happiest time of year right now. I'm so filled with joy right now. This isn't racist at all. Come on. Come on. But yeah, Thomas Nast gets a lot of the credit. It's like those two guys, the guy who designed the Quaker Oats guy and Thomas Nast, the guy who gave us the donkey and the elephant.

It was Coca-Cola hired the Quaker Oath guy to kind of create the image. But it's, I don't know, you can stop, people can stop saying that like Coca-Cola invented Santa Claus. Well, I think what it is is probably more just like at that point with mass media, that depiction so early on from a company like that sort of cemented that depiction of Santa Claus. Yeah, if you want a better explanation, it was like some northern shamanic. tribal cultures that ate mushrooms and, like, imagined flying reindeer and a guy coming down their chimney, you know? And that is, that is the most, like, you want to know what I just heard on a podcast-ass response about Santa.

There you go. It ain't Coca-Cola, actually, my guy. You're welcome. They stole it from indigenous people. And then a podcast person has entered the chat. That's right. tell that to the Santa Claus that shows up at your work Christmas party

Hey, hey, get over here, man. Hey, you on the clock? You're on the clock. That laugh is looking bare. Let me tell you some stories. About how racist is holidays. Yeah, I mean, there's all sorts of different like, is he immortal?

Is it more of a Game of Thrones situation where you kill him to become him? It's hard to say. I prefer to think that it's, you know, a different Santa each year after like a, a battle has been fought in accordance with the Jamie Loftus tradition. Blake, were you a Santa kid at all ever? Oh, yeah.

You were? Yeah, of course. Yeah, I was all in. I remember when I found out it was, it was very, I think I handled it pretty well. I think I handled it pretty well. I think considering my volatility as a child, I would say I handled it pretty well. I flipped a table. Yeah.

I was pissed for like an afternoon. I was like, why would they lie? My older sister told me, I was like, why would they lie to us? That's crazy. Oh, right. Because now it's more about the trust with your parents even more than the sand. You're like, what? Yeah.

I mean, there's a lot of that lost someone. Like, I felt like I lost a brother. Like basically was like what I felt. Damn, you had a really close relationship with Santa. That's like, I didn't realize. He was so sorry. Yeah. I'm so sorry, bro.

I didn't know. It's okay. I didn't know. That's sweet, but thank, yeah, thank you. Was there a person in, like, a relative that really kept reinforcing it, or, like, it was full court press from everyone. Like, that was the myth of it. I mean, my dad did, my dad's Jewish, so didn't give a shit.

Right. Saw it as, uh, and my mom. You were like, why does dad always make the jack off hand motion every time mom talks about Santa Claus? Why is he always waving, unfilled out divorce papers at my mom whenever she's, pinching his fingers together, going, needle dick. I had a thing in here about whether Santa has a big dick or not, but I don't, I don't think we need to get into it. I think we have time. There's plenty to cut.

Some Santas have big dick energy, you know? Big time. Yeah. Wow, I think of, man, I don't even want it. I would think you have, like generally my first assumption is little dick. Oh, sorry, what? Yeah, Chode would probably be the right answer. It would be like, it would be Rudolph's nose down there for me.

Like, it's not even a penis. It's just like, whee. That is correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's nothing. There is no... It was having a cherry nose and cherry dick. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Just old cherry dick. That is a thing. There's like a lot of questions now. Like, people are like, do you or don't you? Like, does the Santa myth harm children, uh, child psychologists say yes, but what the fuck do they know? Oh, books. book idiots fucking idiots wait what why for what reason just because of like parental trust or is it

the like the expectation of gifts thing because i know that's a huge thing too when you're yeah what did santa bring you know isn't real maybe the first developmental loss that a child experiences but it's also like a chance for them to figure some shit out you know i like you're arguing with child psychologists right now yeah but like it's also like you got to figure some shit out yeah wait but is it that bad like do people really I guess in that sense, what, it's, it's an unnecessary trauma for a child to endure. Yeah, I think that's kind of, it's not like, I'll tell you, I went through it. There's no clear cut answer on it.

Yeah. Yeah, it was traumatic. They say the kids who experienced the biggest letdown were ones whose parents really built up the Santa myth and came up with like elaborate hoaxes to perpetuate it. Right, because you're just, yeah, you're just fucking gaslighting your kids and whatever the fuck. So I forgot about this. My dad would, uh, so we don't, cut this part out, but we, We had carpeting in her home.

So, again, please cut that out. So my dad would step in, like, baby powder somehow and leave tracks that would be inferred to be Santa's footprints. Snow footprints? Snow footprints. Did he think that you didn't know how snow works? I am now thinking about, my dad was also a massive cokehead. You get back from the drug lab. You got to line up a couple rails for Santa to keep them going through the night.

You would have footprints like Santa footprints around the house. And then our stairs, the carpeting matters. I remember it was so the powder. There was so much powder. It was slippery. And the first year they did that, I just fucking flew down. I tripped and fell down the stairs. And then my parents forgot like 364 days later.

So then I tripped and fell down the stairs again. Like two years in a row on Christmas and it was like hobbled that morning. So they like, Santa tracked shit through the house. Like he tracked like white powder. Yeah. Did they do a creepy thing where like his footprint stopped at your bedside? Santa was watching you for a while, man. Just watching you sleep.

Oh, my dresser where there was this a gun with a single bullet in it. What the hell is this? Why did you have this Jameson in your room? Yeah. What is going on here? Noddy question mark? Blit. Yeah. Wait, this is Santa's old high school yearbook.

It was captain of the basketball team? There's tear drops all over it. They say the best advice is to follow the child's lead when a kid hits a certain stage of cognitive development and start asking questions about what's real, then you can like kind of be like, what do you think? Some people think Santa is more of a magical idea than a real person. and try these mushrooms. There you go. There you go.

Now I'm going to put the light show on and I'll be right back. Blake, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. I'm so glad, like, Miles and I were, like, where we were like, does Blake know that Santa's not real? And so I'm glad that we didn't take that from you. It would have been a very different recording if we had to pretend like this is a historical figure. It would have been pretty tough.

Yeah, it would have been very, uh, aggressive. Wow, so he's old, huh? Yeah. Wow. So when are we going to get to what he's up to these days? Oh, yeah. Is he coming on the line? Victor, Victor just reminded me. We like to close out by asking the question. Yeah. Were Santa a real figure, would he have been on Jeffrey Epstein's flight logs? He'd have his own. So he wouldn't, because he has a sleigh. So I know it's kind of a cop out, but he wouldn't be on the Santa logs is the question. That was our answer for Urkel. has his own jet pack so like he wouldn't need to like yes he is sciencey and horny which seems to be the main indicators

like that somebody like a famous scientist who's like a little uncomfortably horny like would be on there but he has a jetpack so why would he need to be Santa's similar thing I also feel like he doesn't I say no

on this one I can't I can't that's my Christmas present to you guys Santa would not be on the flight log No. However, people with weird dicks do hang around that guy. That's right. And I do believe it is a reindeer nose that lights up. It is always the last person. Like, not always the last person you expect, but in the case of Bill Clinton, but like,

Noam Tromsky. For that reason, it is not actually a, it's not a phallis. It's just how he's anatomically built as like a mythical monster person. Yeah. Because he's, in my mind, he's a monster. Santa's a monster. Santa is a monster. He's not a human. I mean, he has the human features, but he is scientifically a monster. So, no, I think he is not because he's a monster. Right. This is an answer that's going to really hurt me to say, but this is my real honest answer, is that do you think a man who has access to every children's home in the world needs to go to that island?

Wow. Wow. And we'll leave you with that. Merry Christmas. Everyone will leave with that. We'll be right back. Ruminate on that. Blake, where can people find you, follow you, tell you how they feel about that last comment? I know how you feel about it. I think we all, I don't feel, no one's going to feel good about it. You can find me at Blake Lexer and all social media. Some fun shows coming up.

I was just in Chicago, whole audience, I was just telling Jack Ziking people. I saw that big you a Starfula, which was a, which was a thrill for me. Snarfula that made these amazing shirts that said the Philadelphia plumbers in old retro Eagles writing. And then like a little eagle chicken with big fat lines, which is amazing. So thank you, Snarp.

It was great meeting Starfila. And then also, if you want to see me live, New York Zite Gang, this is the biggest show in New York of the year for me. January 16th. Huh? Oh. I think you do New Year's Eve, Times Square, the biggest show of the year. Yeah. If I wanted to ruin my life and career in that order, I would perform.

New Year's Rockin' Eve I'm going to be in the ball and it's going to be uncontrolled They're going to throw me off a roof Well there's a naked guy in the ball He died of exposure He's not asking for help He just seems content with this being his demise

Look at his legs Holy shit Good Lord There's some multiple torsos That's a monster January 16th I'm going to be at Littlefield in Brooklyn Again

Biggest show a big a show of the new year for me. And then March 5th, I'm coming down to Atlanta to headline for the first time. And yeah, there'll be a chance of March 5th. You have your assignments, guys.

Amazing. You have your assignments. Thank you. Miles, where can people find you? All that good stuff. Find me everywhere at Miles of Gray. All right.

Yep. How you find me a Jack underscore O'Brien on Twitter. Jack OB1 on Blue Sky. I'll be back after this to give you my no, no, no, no, no, no. Book dump. And I'll talk to you then.

All right. That was Santa. I think standing here five episodes into our iconograph, a series of episodes. I think Santa's got to be the most iconic person we've covered. He's at the top of the iconograph. I learned a lot during the course of these five episodes. I think Miss Piggy is probably the biggest mover had no idea how massive the Muppet Show ratings were

when that was on like hundreds of millions of homes were watching that show. So Miss Piggy is going way higher than I expected at the outset. I think she's probably coming in maybe tied at number two with Einstein, but Santa, you know, so iconic that when you put on

the three main accoutreement of his iconography, the beard the suit the hat people like can't even see you you could be their assistant principal and they just like can't perceive you as anything other than Santa my final thought on Santa one piece of Santa lore that I meant to hit

is the time space continuum as it relates to Santa obviously he's a mystical magical being the various movies have a lot of different ways of dealing with the fact that he has to deliver so many presents on a single night. My dad's version of Santa, he told me that his older brother, like one night heard the sleigh bells, snuck down, saw Santa and he was moving at a blinding speed, but then stopped for a second, turned around,

gave his older brother Barry a little wink, and then turned around and, you know, delivered the presence and was gone. And that's usually the main way that we deal. with this time continuum conundrum is fast. He's moving at light speed. People have noted online that he has about 31 to 34 hours in which to deliver presence due to time zones. I don't know how that's exactly possible,

but I think they're trying to buy him a little extra time there. But everyone acknowledges he'd have to be moving at essentially light speed to get to all two billion homes with children. on the planet. But that's all from our perspective, right? I want to take a page here from Einstein's book. Einstein's first breakthrough on his way to the theory of relativity, thanks to reading a bunch of sci-fi when he was a kid, was to imagine himself riding a beam of light as a child. And I want to do that same thought experiment here. What is it like to be riding that beam of light of light speed travel with Santa Claus on Christmas night.

What is it like for him? And usually when you see him in the house, in one of these movies, he's not just a flash that like blows through the house. He's a guy moving around delivering presents. And sometimes he's like going fast and then slowing down and going fast. Like in my dad's story, the movie, the Santa Claus explains this by implying that there's something where the fabric of time space changes inside that house while he's in there. One house at a time, time slows down as Santa moves through it, delivering presence.

And it's sort of like a bullet time thing where as he's going through your house, if you looked outside, there would just be, you know, everything would be frozen because your house is moving at an incredible speed. But if Santa is spending a, let's be generous and say a minute of his time to place the presents, eat the cookies, again, generously fast. But he's doing all of that in one minute. But he's doing that two billion times every Christmas Eve into Christmas morning. A Christmas night from Santa's perspective in Santa Bullitt time in the time space continuum would have to last three, thousand eight hundred and five years that it that is two billion times one minute would be three

thousand eight hundred and five years and i i don't know any other way to imagine it from his perspective um even if he's like a blinding flash to us to him he has to move around through the room and get the presence out and set the toys up and eat the cookies for you got to think at least a minute now if you won't grant me that if you want to say know it's just a second for him somehow like he has like hyper computer brain and like even to him it's perceived as a one second flash even then that night the process of hitting all two billion homes would last 63 years so just from santa's perspective every time he leaves the north pole to deliver presence he's saying goodbye to his home to his wife

to his bed, to his elves, for somewhere between 63 years and 3,805 years, at a minimum, just perceptually, existentially. When he gets back home, he's like Ken Watanabe's character at the beginning of inception. He's been gone forever. For Mrs. Claus, it's been a night. For him, it's been an eternity. And that time off in between, that time. between Christmases, where he's off and not delivering presents,

perceptually, from his point of view, must be a blink in between just eternities of eternal night, just breaking and entering into people's homes over and over with no sunlight, just twinkling Christmas lights. I'm just saying, it's no wonder he's a bit cranky on Christmas Eve in that Rudolph stop motion right before he's about to just once again. enter the existential eternal night of Christmas, a true existential nightmare that I hope you pass on to the children in your life this Christmas.

I hope you have a warm, wonderful holiday with your family. We're back with, I think, one more week of regular episodes this week, and then we're going to take off from iconograph episodes over the holiday, but over the holiday, I think we have our best lineup of holiday and year-end episodes ever in the history of the daily zeitgeist and we'll also be counting down the top 10 episodes of the year your 10 favorite episodes according to how much you listen to them and like them and shared them uh that's going to do it for the santa iconograph episode five hope you're enjoying this new format uh if you are please share them uh happy holidays everyone

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