The Daily Zeitgeist - Santa University 5: SAW-NTA University

Episode Date: December 24, 2021

It's that time of year! Get ready for Santa University part 5!CAST:Jamie: NarratorJack O'Brien: Goth Santa and Carlos SantantaJoelle Smith: Cassandra SantantaCaitlin Durante: SULLYWyatt Fair: Cran ZamboniNoah Britton: Dan ZamboniAnna Hossnieh: Gal SantaShereen Younes: Intellect SantaProp / Jason Petty: JINGLESAWMaggie Mae Fish: Heavily Armed and Volatile SantaSophie Lichterman: Lightly Armed and Reasonable SantaAristotle Acevedo: Jamie LoftusAnnie Brennen: Completely Fucked Santa / Movie Ticket HolderChris Crofton: Dan SantaWith Miles Gray. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jess Casavetto, executive producer of the hit Netflix documentary series Dancing for the Devil, the 7M TikTok cult. And I'm Clea Gray, former member of 7M Films and Shekinah Church. And we're the host of the new podcast, Forgive Me for I Have Followed. Together, we'll be diving even deeper into the unbelievable stories behind 7M Films and Shekinah Church. Listen to Forgive Me for I Have Followed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Keri Champion, and this is Season 4 of Naked Sports. Up first, I explore the making of a rivalry.

Kaitlyn Clark versus Angel Reese. Every great player needs a foil. I know I'll go down in history. People are talking about women's basketball just because of one single game. Clark and Reese have changed the way we consume women's sports. Listen to the making of a rivalry Caitlin Clark versus Angel Reese

on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Hey, I'm Gianna Pradenti and I'm Jermaine Jackson-Gadson. We're the hosts of Let's Talk Offline from LinkedIn News and iHeart Podcasts. There's a lot to figure out when you're just starting your career.

That's where we come in. Think of us as your work besties you can turn to for advice. And if we don't know the answer, we bring in people who do, like negotiation expert Maury Tahiripour. If you start thinking about negotiations as just a conversation, then I think it sort of eases us a little bit. Listen to Let's Talk Offline on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Keri Champion, and this is season four of Naked Sports. Up first, I explore the

making of a rivalry, Kaitlyn Clark versus Angel Reese. People are talking about women's basketball just because of one single game. Clark and Reese have changed the way we consume women's basketball. And on this new season, we'll cover all things sports and culture. Listen to Naked Sports on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio apps, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Black Effect Podcast Network is sponsored by Diet Coke. Hi, my name's Jamie Loftus, writer of Christmas classic, Santa University. Diet Coke. 99,999 of them are brutally murdered before graduation day, revealing the one true Santa. I realize that you have a number of Christmas entertainment options this year,

including an HBO Max special called Santa Incorporated, a new show that asks, what if someone took the idea of Santa University and made it so fucking horrible? But people return to Santa University every year for the strength of its storytelling, its beloved characters, and the fact that it's written in three hours or less each and every year. The pages you're going to hear this year are from a section of the script called Santa University, which is a section of Santa University that is basically the movie Saw. There's new cast members, there's returning cast members, and I thought, why not offer some director's commentary

for this momentous occasion? Between scenes, you'll be hearing from two former disgraced Santa University actors, Miles Gray and Robert Evans, who'll be commenting on this great media institution, as well as some insights from myself. So please enjoy Santa University 5, colon, are we really still doing this, colon, Santa University.

Got it. Here we go. This is going to be great. Anna's doing it. One, two, three, clap. Oops. Good enough. Yeah, I think that's going to be really helpful.

Welcome to the full half decade of Santa University memories. Wow. My name is Jamie Loftus, and they keep making me do it. I keep saying, maybe not this year, but they keep saying, hey, one more year. And now it's been five years of Santa University the worst holiday tradition in podcasting it's been an unproduced screenplay one of those kind of famous uh you know future legendary projects that has just been floating around Hollywood for the better part of a decade just waiting for the right auteur to take it on each year that I reveal more pages, people get more excited, more invested in the story,

in the music, in the characters, and in my incredible writing. Let's introduce everyone and the characters that will be playing in this, the fifth installment of Santa University. I am Jack O'Brien. I will be playing Goth Santa and Carla Santanta. Joelle.

Hi, I'm Cassandra Santanta. Hello, I'm Caitlin Durante, and I will be reprising my role as Sully. I'm Wyatt Fair. I will be playing the role of Cran Zamboni. I'm Noah Britton. I'm playing Sam Zamboni, which is mislabeled Dan Zamboni sometimes. Okay, so I'm being doxxed on the call. These are all intentional creative choices that I'm making, but go off. My name is Ana Hosni, and I'm reprising my role of Gal Santa. I am Shireen. I'm going to be playing Intellect Santa. I like that you went mononymous this year.

What's up? It's Prop. I'm the rookie here and I'll be playing Jingle Saw. Hello, my name is Maggie Mae Fish and I will be playing heavily armed and volatile Santa, originated by Robert Evans and improved upon by Blanc. Let's go, Maggie. I'm Sophie Lichterman, and I agree with everything Maggie just said, and I'll be playing lightly armed and reasonable Santa. I'm Aristotle Acevedo,

and I'll be playing Jamie Loftus. Wow, role of a lifetime. I am Annie Brennan, and I am thrilled to be making my debut as completely fucked Santa and movie ticket holder. Hi, I'm Chris Crofton, and I am lucky enough to play Dan Santa

because Miles couldn't do it. What is the right way to phrase this? Like, who took over? Like, you're like the Robert Pattinson, and Miles is the, who was the guy before him? Christian Bale. Christian Bale. Bale.

Bale. Christian Bale. Iale. Christian Bale. I am so excited. Rob Pattinson. My God. I've always thought of you as a Robert Pattinson type. So this actually works out perfect. I feel so happy. Okay, guys.

I think you can tell it's time to start reading Santa University because I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack and I don't know if this makes any sense interior santa university 3 15 p.m exactly it's dark really dark note to director make sure the crew is completely in the dark and it's fucking freezing for at least three hours before this is shot. Anything less and I will know. Stop emailing me that this shot can be replicated by a black tile card. You're fucking wrong. We hear the tortured breathing of completely fucked Santa who wakes up in the dark. He's breathing, breathing. Oh shit, he's coughing. Is he sick? Just kidding, he's fine. His voice

cuts through the darkness. Good, I thought I was sick. It would be terrible to be sick this close to Christmas, the holiday. Not that kind of sick. This script is being written in 2012. As a result, me, Jamie, the writer, does not know what COVID-19 is and thinks she will be married with children on some naval base in 2021. Idiot. The lights snap on and we see

completely fucked Santa strapped to a Christmas tree iron maiden with garlands. Spikes are pointed toward his head. Bobble ornament thumb screws are pointed to his completely fucked Santa thumbs. Oh rats, I am beginning to realize why I was named this. A little screen lights up in the room to reveal Jingle Saw, who looks exactly like Jigsaw from Saw, except he's got a little Santa hat on. Do you understand? This is hilarious in concept and execution, and if it isn't, I would like to blame the cast, crew, director, and everyone except myself. Hello, completely fucked Santa. Hello, Jinglesaw. Wait, Jinglesaw hasn't said what his name is yet. My name, Jinglesaw. Wait, Jinglesaw hasn't said what his

name is yet. My name is Jinglesaw. I know. I guess they just knew each other from before. It's not my business. I want to play a game. No, thank you. An ornament thumbscrew launches into completely fucked Santa's

thumbs and he howls. I'm sorry, that was rude of me! Where's Dan Santa? Dan Santa? The protagonist of Santa University? Yes. Who looks like shit and can't even read? Yes. I don't know! We're not close.

This is my first speaking role, and we're on page 375 of Santa University. Actually, I had a brief role as a featured extra in Santa University 3 when... You lose. We never get to find out what completely fucked Santa did in Santa University 3, but that was a pretty weak installment anyways.

I think we can all agree. The Christmas tree Iron Maiden slams shut and completely fucked Santa explodes into a cloud of blood and ribboned flesh. Like Reagan would have if John Hinckley Jr. had just gotten his shit together. It would have been awesome. We cut to interior Jamie's room,

1.25 p.m. on the dot, and if it's a second off, I'll fucking know. Jamie laughed at a 20-something, and don't you forget it, did she get hotter during the pandemic? Epic. Sits on the floor of her one-bedroom apartment with three hours left before Santa University 5 records. She looks at her laptop, which is covered in jam stains from all the little jelly waffles she makes intermittently throughout the day like an obsessive compulsive yogi bear, and she sweats. Wow. Year five of Santa University, and I still haven't gotten a driver's license. Five years of releasing pages from Santa University

on a second-rate podcast feed. What's the fucking point? HBO Max made some shit called Santa Inc. this year, meaning that after nine years of working on this 750-page behemoth, it all had come to nothing. Sure, whatever. Jamie isn't bothered. She looks at the computer screen with optimism. Something like that would never bother her. Something like that wouldn't bother me. She begins to type, the jelly staking to the keys ever so slightly in a way that would make

most people disgusted, but a few select perverts very horny. Dan Santa opens his diploma. Suddenly, Sam Zamboni and Cran Zamboni burst into her room like a SWAT team. They're not a SWAT team anymore, not after the events of the 2015 movie SWAT Sluts, a film that was never released after word came out that it was funded by the Tea Party, but they can still kick a door in. Hey, what the heck? I'm writing Santa University here. We've been sent to shut down Santa University. Oh, thank God. I mean, please, no, don't. Why? We don't ask questions. We get a Venmo request saying to shut down Santa University with violence if necessary. We do it. The Venmo was only for $14, by the way. Jamie clutches her laptop protectively, her left hand sticking to it a little. She turns to Sam, who she thought was her friend, and Cran,

who she started hooking up with. What was going on there? No one really knows, and it's driving her nuts. You can't stop me from writing another installment of Santa University. I'm too mentally ill. I'm sorry to do this. He picks up an air fryer Jamie got last Christmas and never learned how to use and lifts it over his head. They never had a conversation about where things were headed, had they? Kranna thought, huh, interesting, when she posted a picture to her Instagram stories with his elbow in the corner. Did that mean something? He was too shy to ask at the time, and now he was about to assault her with a fad kitchen appliance, so it was all gravy at this point. But someone me 14 to do it so i'm gonna do it obviously

smash the air fryer hits jamie's head and she passes out i wish anything for a little nap please don't assault me with an air fryer but if you do don't wake me up so this year i decided to introduce a fourth wall element to the story, just kind of a little look into my process. Because every year when Santa University comes out, I'm asked, Jamie, how do you have so many genius ideas for this amazing screenplay? And wait, how do you look so beautiful while you're having them? And so this year I said, okay, let's let people inside. Let's tell them, yes, I do have a fantasy where two men break into my home and bonk me on the head so I can sleep for once in my fucking life.

This next scene is what Santa University has come to be known for, which is nuanced feminist commentary, through the only two women in the cast, Gal and Intellect Santa, who are played for the fifth year running by Anna Hosnier and Shireen Lani Yunus. Entering the cast is newcomer Jason Petty, a.k.a. Propaganda, a.k.a. Way Too Famous to be Doing This, as a character I came up with completely by myself without the help of James Wan, Jingle Saw.

Cut to interior, Santa Santa University the next day. It's dark again, but this time you can use the black slide for some reason. The lights slip on and we see Gal Santa and Intellect Santa, the only two female characters in Santa University who experience an electric shock every time they pass the Bechdel test. They are chained to opposite sides of the room. Gal Santa! Intellect Santa! They both experience a rough shock to their Bechdel test callers and look at their surroundings. It is a cinderblock room built for torture. They're chained to the wall with jingle bell leather straps.

Note, I have a connection to the kink community that can get us these for free. A medieval torture stretching board in the middle, and the sonic torture of the Bob Dylan Christmas album playing at full volume. Where are we? Why did Bob Dylan ask the children's choir to sing with him on this? Jingle Saw appears on the little screen again. Hello, Gal Santa. Who is that?

Right, they haven't met before. Jingle Saw is an entirely new character to the Santa University Expanded Universe. Hello, Intellect Santa. Hello, Jingle Saw. I don't understand how Intellect Santa would know who that is. Remember me from the step team in high school? I want you girls to play a game with me.

Okay, I'll take that as a no. You'd better release us, Jinglesaw. My father is a very powerful man. He's Dean Santa, the Dean of Santa University, who will not appear this year due to lack of interest. Shh.

Silence. I want you to listen carefully. Do you know Dan Santa? Sure, he's the protagonist of Santa University and Gal Santa's love interest. And what would you say you would do to save Dan Santa's life? I don't know, Venmo someone $14? Cal, you're Dan Santa's romantic interest. You can't say that. Okay, but I thought you were dating cool Santa. Like the coolest Santa in school.

Sure, I'm dating cool Santa. For now, that is. Here's the thing. No matter how I feel about Dan Santa, even if I'm in love as hell with him, there is no way he'll die this early on. I may not be as smart as you in Alex Santa, but I do know three things. The protagonist doesn't die in the middle, the moon landing was fake, and a third thing as well. And I know two things, that the Unabomber has some interesting ideas, and a third thing. Silence! You're lucky the Unabomber was a man, or your little collars would have gone off. I hate the Bechdel test shock collar.

I do too. The collars shock them. Shock collars are genderless, so that passed the test. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Here's the game I want to play. Behold, Dan Santa and someone who I think works at Hot Topic. The screen changes to surveillance footage of Dan Santa and Goth Santa in their dorm room, laughing their asses off at a Sebastian Maniscalco special. He's got some good ones. Hey, that's goth Santa. Okay, if you want Dan Santa, the protagonist of Santa University to live, then the two of you must kill each other

before the clock strikes 4.30 p.m. And if you don't, the script ends and we all disappear. Why 4.30 p.m.? Because that's when the Zoom call to record this year's Santa University begins. No way, Jinglesaw. I'm not killing my best friend Gal just to save Dan Santa. He looks like shit and, well, you know the rest. I mean, to be fair, at least one of us is going to die before the end of the school year anyways. Only one

Santa lives until graduation. So you're saying you'd kill me? I'm saying that if the script to Santa University ends, we all die. Shit. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck! The stinks of Santa

University are still rising. Their collars go off again and they yelp in pain. For the love of Christ. Now, if you're a listener of Santa University, you'll notice this year we had a changing of the guard when it came to the protagonist of Santa University. After playing the lead, Dan Santa, who famously looks like shit and can't even read, for four years, Miles Gray decided that he's actually a little too busy this year. Maybe he's in love, maybe he's planning a wedding, maybe he doesn't want to quote-unquote fucking do this anymore, Jamie. And so this year, he was recast and cast out of my life, and we brought Chris Crofton into the role. You can hear Chris's performance here, and I'll have a little chat with Miles about his thoughts afterwards.

Dan Santa, still looking like shit and not being able to read after all these years, sits in his dorm room with his roommate, Goss Santa, still looking like a spindly tall boyfriend who puts his spider arms around his four-foot-ten girlfriend on the subway after all these years. I have to say, gosh, Santa, my roommate at Santa University and my closest ally, this A Star Is Born poster really ties the room together. A Star Is Born is to awesome movies as Sebastian Maniscalco is to hilarious comedy, as I always say. Wait a second. Dan notices the surveillance camera Jingle saw watches from with his shitty eyes from across the room. Goth, did you install a camera in here? Nope.

I installed a camera in the ceiling so I can take video footage of us sleeping and turn it into an awesome music video. Goth Santa spends the next three minutes rehashing his idea for a music video of him and Dan Santa tossing and turning over the course of a year. What thoughtful commentary it would be on the passage of time and on their friendship and how well it would compliment his shitty guitar music. That sucks. Dan Santa nods patiently supporting his friend's bad art. You're right.

It would be interesting if the chorus came back at the end of the song. It's an unconventional idea, but I think it would work. But who put this camera here? Dan Santa looks at the surveillance camera more closely. It has a label on it that reads, Do not move. This is Jingle Saw's camera to observe Dan Santa on. I don't think it says anything.

In spite of your illiteracy, I will take your word for it because I am tired. Let's flash our nipples to it to see if it's working. The boys flash their nipples to camera, loudly asking, Is this working? Interior, Jinglesaw's lair.

Jinglesaw looks at the tit flashing with a thrill. Yes, yes, yes. It's working. I wanted to have a talk with Miles Gray, the actor who originated the role of Dan Santa and, in my opinion, really grew with the character over the years. I'll show you what I mean. Here he is in 2017 as Dan Santa. I'm going to be a Diplomalist Virgin for freaking ever, probably. And here he

is last year in 2020 as Dan Santa. Hi, I'm Dan Santa. Can you hear the difference? Now that's artistry. And so with one great actor assuming the role another great actor once played, I wanted to talk to Miles about what he thought about Chris Crofton's performance. Here's some of our talk. So how do you think that Chris did? You know, it's funny that you asked me about, you know, how I sort of took in Chris's performance as Dan Santa, I found it surprisingly to be quite brave, more from the perspective that someone who is so transparently unable to hack it talent wise would take on such a complex role. And I don't mean that to be an insult. I honestly do believe that there is merit to that journey that he went on with the role of Dan Santa.

Now, I know it does seem harsh, but I think the thing that most people need to understand, especially listeners who have been listening to this journey for the last few years, should know that the time that I sort of spent embracing Dan Santa to really get into character, to get into the mind of someone who, A, cannot read and B, looks like straight up shit. The amount of time invested to really get to that place, to feel like I was actually able to give that character dignity through my words and performance. It was a very, very difficult task. It took a lot of introspection. And I just hope that, you know, for someone to just come in with their, you know,

laissez-faire attitude and rocker style could just kind of completely, you know, paper over the work that I had done in previous iterations. I just don't want people to miss sight of the work that was done there. But also, you know, good for Chris. Hi, I'm Dan Santa. Interior, Jingle Saw's lair. He turns to his two associates, heavily armed and volatile Santa,

and lightly armed and more reasonable Santa. Hey, hey, you two, you two, my trusted associates. Make sure those boys don't leave that dorm room. No problem, boss! I'll intimidate them with my many guns, which are also my personality! And I'll intimidate them with my one gun, which I have for safety and tend to define myself more by my friendships and hobbies, which include pottery and screen printing. What were your names again? which include pottery and screen printing. What were your names again?

That doesn't make sense. These are Jinglesaw's trusted associates. He just said that. He'd know what their names are. My name is... Heavily armed and volatile Santa. My name is lightly armed and reasonable Santa. Hi, nice to meet you. I am Jinglesaw.

Oh, wow, I've heard great things. They don't know him either? We should go before someone gets onto your plan. Here's a little peek behind the curtain of the script that makes so much sense and I work so freaking hard on. That part you just heard, heavily armed and volatile Santa, was originally written for my dear friend Robert Evans. I wrote it at the request of his and my producer, Sophie Lichterman, but Robert was in line for a booster shot for quote-unquote COVID-19, something I think is a hoax. No, edit that out. Robert was in line for the booster shot during the recording. And so I wanted to ask him what he thought of his understudy, Maggie May Fish. But then he couldn't answer my question because he was in the mountains. And so ultimately, I didn't get an answer. Thank you so much to my friend,

Robert Evans, the most regular person I know. Let's carry on with the show. Interior, interrogation room. Across town, someone is on to Jingle Sauce Plan. That is called plant and payoff, and it only works if you do it back to back and right away. Two detectives who are also twins, Carlos Santanta and Cassandra Santanta, Carlos Santanta and Cassandra Santanta sit in matching outfits across from Sully, a great fucking guy from Walpole, Massachusetts. They don't need to dress identically, but they do. And it's kind of scary because they're in their 30s.

Sully, do you know why you've been brought here today? Sorry, are you married or twins? I'll take this one, Carlos We're married and twins Thank you, Cassandra I'll repeat my question Do you know why you've been brought here today? I'm assuming it has something to do with the arson? Carlos and Cassandra looked at each other

What arson? Note, the arson that Sully committed will come into play once on page 569, then never come up again. We're not aware of any arson. Did you commit it? Sully tries to distract her with his disarming charm. No, you're the cute one. Cassandra is disarmed and charmed by him. She giggles shyly.

Please, Sully, I'm married to my twin, Carlos Santanta. We're here to ask you about a man known only as Jinglesaw. Sully's eyes widen. Wow, he even stutters in a disarmingly charming way. Stop flirting with him. Just say it, babe. Don't call him babe. Jingle saw?

Oh my God, that's not even new information at all. He took me hostage first semester right when Dan Santa got to Santa University and I was the first to shove him into a pile of rocks. Jingle Sauce stuffed my mouth with Holly and played Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time until I told him everything I knew about Dan Santa. He's obsessed. It was a miracle I got out alive. How did you escape? Stop flirting with my wife. But seriously, how did you escape?

All I had to do was... And stop flirting with my sister. But how did you escape? All I had to do was get at Jingle Saw's one weakness. I almost took his mask off and he ran out of the room. That's so erotic. It's like the Phantom of the Opera.

She turns to Carlos, who is not looking forward to another weekend of being cucked by his sister wife. Fortunately, that will take place off screen. We've got to get over there before he can do any more damage and maybe take his mask off. And maybe give him a little kiss?

Cassandra, I have to say, you're so fucking beautiful. Enough! Interior. Jamie's room. 3.32pm. There's only one hour until Santa University 5 records and the writer of Santa University is out cold. It really is so easy to use.

I don't know why she didn't just open it. So what, do we just, like, leave her here? The Venmo instruction said to do a soft lobotomy. What, like a Selling Sunset rewatch? No, just a little... He makes a cutting motion towards her scalp. Cran-Zamboni frowns, wishing he'd asked her for clarity

before smashing her skull in. Oh well. They lean her back and begin to perform the soft lobotomy. Note to director, make sure you really the soft lobotomy. Note to director, make sure you really show the lobotomy as it happens and that it's happening to a real person. Spare no expense. So what are you going to do with your $14? I think that I was going to check out Encanto. Nice. Sam is so excited about the prospect of seeing Encanto with his friend that his knife slips and Jamie's entire body flips inside out. Note to director, I will fund this personally as long as you can procure a real cadaver.

Whoops. Shit. What did we do? We just need to, I guess we just need to make sure that no one will be able to prove that we accidentally flipped the writer of Santa University inside out. We could... Light it on fire. I was going to say bronze the body like a baby's shoe. That's a funnier idea.

Let's do that. This is an unpleasant development in the screenplay of Santa University. He looks at Jamie's laptop to make sure that this was what was written to take place in the scene. Yep, that's what it says. What do I say now? Cran Zamboni shows Sam Zamboni the script to Santa University, something that exists in their world that they also exist inside of.

It makes their head hurt to think about it, so usually they just don't think about it. Sam reads from the computer. Wow, page 378 of Santa University and the stakes are still rising. Yep. That's what it says. Now the choice to include flipping my body inside out and then bronzing it like a little baby shoe was once again, just kind of a look into who I am. I've been, I've been having this nightmare my entire life,

because yes, would it be interesting to have your inside guts exposed to the elements? Of course. Would it be terrifying to be trapped inside a golden coffin like a little sketcher's boot? Yes. And this scene further explores how much I would really like to just be asleep. It's a scene that says, I'm never ready to write Santa University, and the thought of it gives me a nosebleed, but this year, I'm uniquely not ready. So let's see, did I stick the landing? Spoiler alert, I didn't.

Interior, Dan Santa's dorm room at Santa University, where the movie takes place. Dan Santa and Goth Santa continue their disgusting nipple display when heavily armed and volatile Santa and lightly armed and reasonable Santa burst into the room. Oh my gosh, just like in my Will Butrin dreams. Dan Santa pisses himself, partially because he is a coward,

but mostly because I forget to give him bathroom breaks in the script and he is too shy to ask. Ah, sorry. I was shy to ask. Ah! Sorry. I was about to ask for a pee break. Sorry, Dan Santa. That's okay. Hey, those guns are scary.

Wait, Vincent! My chick's trying to keep an eye on you guys while he executes his confusing plan. I'm heavily armed with volatile Santa. And I'm lightly armed but volatile Santa. And I'm lightly armed but... Alright, you're taking up enough space. Lightly armed Santa has fucking had it. Heavily armed Santa has been

giving her the runaround for fucking years, all for having a more lighthearted and fun approach to life. She shoots him to death. She leans over his corpse. I did request to kill Robert. I consider myself

a reasonable Santa and a lightly armed one at that, but when you've got that volatile and heavenly armed, it was the only reasonable thing to do. Wait. I love you.

Lightly armed but reasonable Santa shoots him directly in the head. Dan and Goth Santa look on in wonder. That was really cool. What is happening? Lightly armed Santa looks to the boys, relieved. I've been wanting to do that for years. Boys, none of this is worth $14. Gal and Intellect Santa are being held hostage at Jinglesaw's lair, and if you don't get there by the next scene of

Santa University, this whole screenplay will cease to exist. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to reconnect with my teenage son. She leaves the dorm with a dignity she hasn't felt in years. Finally, she is free. Goth and Dan look at each other, confused. Who's Jingle Saw? Interior, Santa University. Gal and Intellect Santa are still chained to the wall, holding jingle whips in self-defense. Intellect Santa desperately tries to reason with her. Gal Santa, we can figure this out. No one needs to die for the screenplay of Santa University to get finished. Speak for yourself, Intellect Santa. I grew up with a shitload of money and my capacity for empathy has a very specific limit. Intellect Santa sheds a tear. Had things really come to this? A petty physical altercation between her and her dearest friend?

Then she remembered. They are the only two women in the script and therefore must hate each other for no reason. Bring it, you nepotism little bitch! For Dan Santa! For the brilliant and amazing script! Student University! That girl burn. The two begin to spar to the death with Jingle Whip

in a way that I am counting on the director of photography, a known pervert, to eroticize to a completely unnecessary degree. Interior or exterior, Jamie's backyard, 425 p.m. Oh my god, I emailed everyone doing Santa University to say I needed 15 more minutes, but I probably need another hour. We'll see what happens. Oh my god, Sam and Cran Zamboni have dug a hole to dispose of Jamie's body in, but struggle to drag it out to the yard. I'm starting to think we should have bronzed the body once we got outside. This corpse has to weigh at least 250 pounds.

Just get it in the hole, okay? There's a screening of Unconto at 830, and I'll lose my shit if we miss the trailers. All right, hold on. They take the next 15 minutes dragging jamie's bronzed corpse towards the shallow grave she was so young cran zamboni leans into her big bronze head jamie i am very sorry that i threw an air fryer at your head so that you could never finish the screenplay santa university it's, man, I really want to see Encanto, and when Jingle Saw

promised you those $14... Wait, Jingle Saw knew Cran-Zamp-Boney all along? It's a twist that will not be explored further. I just called Nuber. Hurry up. Interior, Santa University. Dan Santa, Goth Santa, Cassandra Santanta,

Carlos Santanda, and Sully all burst into the lair as Gal and Intellect Santa are at each other's throats with the jingle whips. Why? Because I have two minutes to finish the script, that's why! Stop!

Gal and Intellect Santa, stop. I hate that I'm conditioned to listen to male Santas like that. Dan Santa, you look like shit today, but at least you're not dead. Jingle Saw appears on the little screen again. Well, well, well, if it isn't... You motherfucker! Whoa! Sully grabs Gal's jingle whip and shatters the screen,

crumbling the wall and revealing Jingle Saw's lair. Note, Jingle Saw's lair should have been behind a thin layer of paper beside the dungeon the whole time. Jingle Saw is shocked. Oh, shit! Oh, fuck! Dead Santa pulls the mask from Jingle Saw's big old scary doll head. Oh, my God! It's... dead santa pulls the mask from jinglesaw's big old scary doll head oh my god it's wow i really love it when he does that spit it out we know who it is it's

it's cool santa the coolest santa and also my boyfriend at Santa University. Twist! She's not wrong. It is, in fact, Cool Santa. Even when he's getting caught as a soft parody character, he is still very cool. Yeah, yeah, it's true. It's me. It's Cool Santa, the coolest Santa at Santa University. And also Gal Santa's boyfriend, you know what I'm talking about? And I'm also Jingle Sawyer. And I want to kill Dan Santa. Cool Santa snatches the jingle whip

from Intellect Santa's hand and lunges at the defenseless Dan Santa, whose Santa uniform is covered in a thin layer of sweat over his already piss-stained clothes. He howls. Ooh! Ooh!

he howls. But Cassandra and Carlos Santanta intervene. Cassandra catches Cool Santa in the jingle cuffs of justice, something I just made up. Stop right there, Cool Santa. We've still got 300 pages and 16 more years of Santa University to go. That many? Oh my God, that's so much. Let's just let him kill Aunt Santa. You're off to detention, cool Santa. Wait, what? Just detention for murder?

Yeah. They take him away, and Cassandra grabs her husband twin's ass as they do. It's in these moments of catharsis that she remembers why she married her twin. They're gonna be just fine. I want to cut in one last time with some thoughts from Miles Gray, who's played Dan Santa for years.

Miles, what's your take on the will-they-won't-they love story between Dan and Gal Santa? Is it forced? Is it real? The fact that we have stretched the tension for this long i think is a testament to obviously uh jamie you your ability as a writer and auteur um because this is no small task and i always find myself every script opening it up and going okay are they are they? Are they not this time? And it's something that I look forward to, I think, as much as the audience does to see

or hear the show. And when it comes to being nearly murdered by Cool Santa masquerading as the villain Jinglesaw, unpack that masculine rage for me. It truly evoked, I think, something that I feel like I talk about in a lot of my work um about sort of the masculine urge uh to create or destroy uh and this is something we see a lot in our politics in our culture the idea with jinglesaw here it was very clear the second

that the power had sort of left cool santa's grasp it was no longer about creating because that is what a truly potent being would feel is the ability to create and those without the power the truly impotent choose to destroy choose violence choose chaos because if they can't make things happen then the next best thing is to watch them all come apart this was just sort of laid bare in this scene i think for many people to see the the despair that i think most western men are feeling at the moment and you know whether or not that's a tragedy i think is up to the performer the listener and the director but in this instance i think there was just something really, really powerful about watching this play out through the rage within Jinglesoft.

And what do you see happening to Dan Santa moving forward in this very successful franchise? It's clear that Dan's illiteracy and lack of, you know, traditional good looks is only going to lead to, and I don't want to be flippant, but it's going to lead to a very, very dark place. I see him being unable to maintain his personal relationships, going into just a deep, deep state of isolation. And then from there, developing quite a bizarre addiction to

microwave popcorn and truly going deeper into a world of not being able to read, of looking like shit more and more and more that, to be honest, I'm hoping, and I'm not trying to put any kind of pressure on Jamie, that I think he would eventually just turn into a sentient pile of shit. Excellent. Let's see how this ends. I wrote it six hours ago, and I already forget. Dan, Goth, Gal, Intellect, and Sully all look at each other. Hi, it's me, Sully. I'm not a main part of the cast, so I'm gonna go. It's me, Sully. I'm not a main part of the cast, so I'm gonna go. The others mutter in agreement. That makes sense.

They wait for Sully to leave, but he really takes his time for some reason. Once he's gone, Gal Santa looks to her friends. It's that time. It's just another year, right? Santa University! Santa University! Santa University! Santa University! we know the song yeah it's like that that you guys actually really did it that was guys no notes that was perfect okay and then I also wrote a mid-credits scene that happens at AMC Theaters that closes it out. So this happens, the credits start

for this section of Santa University, and then this pops in interior AMC Theaters the next night. Dan and Cran Zamboni enter the AMC Theater as a screening of Spider-Man No Way Home gets out. No one will shut the fuck up about it. Enough, I'm sure it's fine. They approach the counter where a movie ticket person looks at them with sadness in their eyes. Their dog just got eaten by a pack of coyotes

the previous week. Not that anyone asked. Who for Unconto? Movie ticket person checks the system. It was her fault. She took her eyes off of her dog for just one second. How are there that many coyotes in a residential area? That'll be $15 each. But we, we only have $14 each. Thinking of the coyotes. It costs $15. Cran Zamboni looks at camera. Nope. I guess it was all for nothing. Oh my God. I forgot to include songs in this year's script. The script ends here. Someone threw an air fryer at my head and I died. The end. Wow, you did it! That's awesome! We did it! I would listen to it again.

Thank you for five wonderful years of Santa University. I can't say it enough. I don't remember anything that happens in this from year to year, and I promise I will always make myself very, very sick when asked to do it. There's never enough time. I always feel like people are mad at me for some reason that they're volunteering to do this. But if spending time with your treasured loved ones during something labor- under duress doesn't capture the spirit of the holidays, I don't know what does. So from my underfunded 40 pound Santa University script to yours, happy holidays. And next year will make

even more sense. Goodbye. I'm Jess Casavetto, executive producer of the hit Netflix documentary series Dancing for the Devil, the 7M TikTok cult. And I'm Clea Gray, former member of 7M Films and Shekinah Church. And we're the host of the new podcast, Forgive Me For I Have Followed. Together, we'll be diving even deeper into the unbelievable stories behind 7M Films and Shekinah Church. Listen to Forgive Me For I Have Followed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Keri Champion, and this is season four of Naked Sports. Up first, I explore the making of a rivalry. Kaitlyn Clark versus Angel Reese. Every great player needs a foil. I know I'll go down in history. People are talking about women's basketball just because of one single game.

Clark and Reese have changed the way we consume women's sports. Listen to the making of a rivalry. Kaitlyn Clark versus Angel Reese on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Hey, I'm Gianna Pradenti. And I'm Jermaine Jackson-Gadsden. We're the hosts of Let's Talk Offline from LinkedIn News and iHeart Podcasts.

There's a lot to figure out when you're just starting your career. That's where we come in. Think of us as your work besties you can turn to for advice. And if we don't know the answer, we bring in people who do, like negotiation expert Maury Tahiripour. If you start thinking about negotiations as just a conversation, then I think it sort of eases us a little bit. Listen to Let's Talk Offline on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Keri Champion, and this is season four of Naked Sports. Up first, I explore the making of a rivalry.

Kaitlyn Clark versus Angel Reese. People are talking about women's basketball just because of one single game. Clark and Reese have changed the way we consume women's basketball. And on this new season, we'll cover all things sports and culture. Listen to Naked Sports on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio apps, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Black Effect Podcast Network is sponsored by Diet Coke.