The Daily Zeitgeist - Santa University: Part 4

Episode Date: December 24, 2020

Santa University is back.THE CAST:Narrator: Jamie LoftusSimulation Santa: Danl GoodmanOther Simulation Santa: Miles GreatCinematographer: Sophie LichtermanDirector: Robert EvansDan Santa: Miles GrayJudge Santa: Joelle MoniqueGoth Santa: Jack O'BrienIntellect Santa: Shereen YounesGal Santa: Anna HossniehDean Santa: Danl GoodmanToo Many DVDs Santa: Isaac TaylorSecond Amendment Santa: Robert EvansSanta Woman: Caitlin DuranteCool Santa: Caitlin DuranteJury Elf 1: Danl GoodmanJury Elf 2: Sophie LichtermanJill Santa: Sophie LichtermanMike Santa: Jack O'brienSully: Caitlin Durante Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I guess let's get started. Interior, or wait, should we introduce ourselves really quick? I feel like I always forget to have people introduce. Let's all introduce ourselves. My name is Jamie Loftus. I'm the writer of Sandy University, and I'm going to be reading the action lines today. Hi, I'm Sophie Lichterman, and I'm playing the cinematographer, Jill Santa, Jury Elf 2. I'm I'm, and I'm playing the Santa with all the guns.

Like, also director. Yeah. Come on. I also directed this piece. Oh. We've been collaborating in this for a really long time. This is a Zoom production. I'm Miles, and I am Dan Santa.

I'm Joelle. I'm going to be playing Judge Santa. I'm Jack O'Brien. I will be Goth Santa and also Mike Santa. I'm Sheree, and I'm going to be Intellect Santa. And I'm Anna Hosnier and I'll be playing Gal Santa. I am Daniel Goodman. I'll be playing Dean Santa, Jury Elf One, and Simulation Santa.

I am Isaac and I will be Too Many DVDs Santa. I am Isaac, and I will be Too Many DVDs Santa. Hello, I'm Caitlin Durante, and I'm playing Santa Woman, Cool Santa, and Sully. You know, Sully. We all know Sully. Sully? We all know Sully. Interior. Where poetry lives.

Hello, my name is Grace Thomas, poet to the Santas and playing the part of Sonnet Santa. These are some poems that were found in the margins of the script of Santa University. Covered in blue cheese dressing and a salty substance, I can only imagine our tears. Or cum. That's right. Cum. The scrawl says, Sonnet Santa, fucking read this. And this is how it goes. Santa University Sonnet 1. goes santa university sonnet one we'll figure out name later fuck four years four years since santa's first took classes in your feed four years four years since dan santa saw santa's killed for greed. And now, this year, the Santas face their greatest challenge yet, when Gal and Goth and Intellect go to court and, um, sweat? Or maybe I should have said wet.

Or maybe I should have said wet. Although I must admit that this installment of the scripts, not horny. Not a bit. I just learned that a sonnet is only 14 lines. Fuck me. I didn't catch you up. Fuck me. I didn't catch you up. My bad. Try not to whine.

Poetry Santa ascends back to heaven. Where she lives and is unfortunately a landlord. Bucked up. Interior. A simulation lab. Outside of time or place. This page of the script of Santa University is almost unreadable, as it is covered in ragu sauce. It's a very sterile blue laboratory-looking room that opens this fourth section of the screenplay of Santa University. Simulation Santa sits there, In the very sterile blue laboratory-looking room that opens this fourth section of the screenplay of Santa University,

Simulation Santa sits there, looking at a monitor that holds an image of the Jingle Courthouse, a run-down courthouse with a few plastic garlands hanging from the front. Simulation Santa turns to the camera, looking placid, calm, as if she has never existed anywhere else. Hello, and welcome to page 487 of Santa University. I am Simulation Santa, and this is the section of the 750-page screenplay of Santa University where an audience member realizes

that after eight hours of uninterrupted viewing with no pee breaks, while the doors to the theater are barred shut, the whole movie so far has been a simulation and a waste of your time. That's right, a waste of your fucking time. Other simulation

Santa enters holding two bowls of hot, hot, hot pasta. She is the same character as simulation Santa, but less charismatic. Like when Amy Adams isn't available and they cast Isla Fisher. It'll do. Nuke the pasta from last night.

Fuck you. Other Simulation Santa puts the hot pasta down and shakes her hands off. That pasta was really hot. Simulation Santa looks back to the camera apologetically. We are fraternal. They should mention how hot ragu get on the jar. No, they shouldn't. Did you tell everyone about the simulation?

I was in the middle of it. In her annoyance, Simulation Santa takes a bite of pasta. It burns the roof of her mouth and she howls. Fucking unbelievable. It's enough to make you drop a ceramic bowl full of barilla and ragu onto your masterpiece, the screenplay to Santa University. Simulation Santa spits the ragu out into the bowl and exhales several times rapidly. She looks back to camera. Sorry, I'm going to finish this now. Santa University is a simulation, as I just told you.

But to be honest, the characters of the movie are not going to find out by the conclusion, so it's kind of a wash. I appreciate the screen time and the SAG card. Do I get a SAG card? No, you've only had four lines in this scene. Other simulation Santa tries to scream in protest, but she has no more voice. No SAG card for you, jackass. We've already spent the entire budget on prosthetic Santa corpses. Okay, let's get into it.

Simulation Santa looks back over to a different monitor, where the script for Santa University, the first one, of course, appears on screen. Dan Santa weeps, talking some shit about looking like shit and not being able to read. Simulation Santa chuckles and looks back at the screen of the Jingle Courthouse, where Dan Santa is brought into in tinsel cuffs. Ah, yes, the court case. But first, let's remember what Santa University is all about. Simulation Santa starts to sing a slightly modified version of the song

the writer of Santa University wrote last year, because I'll be honest, I feel like it didn't get its due because the cast was very large and the writer may have been a little anxious to be in a room with 20 people at once and didn't give effective musical direction. Fuck you! Here's the first song. It's called Santa University, except it's all a simulation, so don't worry about it. Dan Santa looked like shit and couldn't read about it, but the whole thing was a simulation and only I knew.

Other simulations Santa starts to sing, though less charismatically. Santa, you about snow. It's a brutal school where only one out of 40 000 santas live each year and the rest are brought to the santa killing fields dean santa save the brochure for someone else. Because I still can't read. The two join in for the chorus in perfect harmony. Though we can see in other simulations Santa's eyes that her lack of charisma is killing her and has likely held her back in her career so far. And they sing, and I repeat, they likely held her back in her career so far.

And they sing, and I repeat, they sing in perfect harmony. It's so beautiful. One Santa lives. Ooh. The rest are killed. It's a musical as well if this is

your first time listening Cal Santa's a lawyer now ooh Cal Santa's a lawyer now. Ooh, ooh.

Because the studio threatened to pull funding. But she comes from wealth and benefits and nepotism. Whoa! Santa University, that's basically all you need to know Just like I imagined it. So haunting, so beautiful. Simulation Santa gestures back at the screen of the jingle courthouse. At this point in the script, the writer of Santa University is betting on the majority of the audience to be asleep. But Dan Santa is being taken to court after being accused of stealing the jingle medallion.

But remember, no matter what happens, this is all a simulation and nothing matters. In fact, it's a near certainty that the simulation has failed. What will happen to us once simulation fail? You know, other simulation Santa, that's an interesting question. I think I will probably end up stripping you for parts and moving to Alaska. Oh, nice.

On with the show. The simulation begins to dissolve, just as other simulation Santa realizes she said more than five lines, and she is going to get her SAG card after all. It's a Christmas miracle, because she is dying of chronic dandruff and needs the insurance badly. Simulation Santa takes another bite of ragu, and the roof of her mouth falls off. We dissolve to

exterior jingle courthouse day. At this point in Santa University, it's clear that the heads of production did not budget the movie well. There is an estimated $14 left of the $140 million budget, and it's clear that some of the Christmas decorations have been relocated from the campus to the courthouse. A cough from the cinematographer can be heard audibly. Sorry. It's fine. It's fine. We're going to put put music over the shot he sniffs loudly fuck they forgot to put music over the shot interior judge santa's courtroom is fucking pandemonium as the santas have no fucking clue there's page 480 of 750 pages of santa university and they're lost writhing

confused somewhere in the dregs of the second act. This page of the script is covered in McCafe Coffee. Dan Santa, ever looking like shit and utterly unable to read, sits in the Santa Defendant box with Goth Santa, who wears an oversized name tag that reads, Best Friend of the Santa Defendant. Aw, jeez, I'm screwed as hell. Beside them is Intellect Santa,

dressed like a lawyer who is about to defend Dan Santa in the case of Santa University versus one Dan Santa. Judge Santa, a Santa who is a judge, bangs the jingle gavel, which is festive yet authoritative, on her judge desk. I hereby call the case of Santa University versus one Dan Santa to order. Told you.

Goth Santa giggles at the sound of Dan Santa's name. They said your name, Dan Santa. You're famous. That's right, Goth Santa. I'm Intellect Santa, by the way, and I'm Dan Santa's lawyer. That's true, and thank you for reminding me of our relationships to each other.

I just passed the Santa bar last night. It is a difficult test. Quiz me. Santa? Jingle. Christmas? Jingle! Jingle?

Jingle, but only for a first offense. Wow, Intellect Santa, you are smart as hell due to glasses. As you can see, I am wearing glasses, so I am a genius. Order in the jingle court! It is unclear why Judge Santa is yelling because no one was really making noise, even though the courtroom is packed. Instead, everyone was kissing. Did you know that just in the last year, five baby Santas were conceived and birthed in Jingle Court? Well, it's true.

Oh, wait, I forgot to say who the plaintiff is. Suing on behalf of Santa University is Dean Santa, the dean of Santa University, and therefore, that is his name. Objection! That's right, it's Gal Santa, the female lead and love interest of Santa University. Just kidding, I just wanted some attention. She high-fives her father, Dean Santa. You know, that sick old fuck.

He sits at the plaintiff's stand and holds a sign saying, Go Santa U, like he's at a jingle tournament. Good one, Gal Santa, my daughter and lawyer. Dean Santa breaks the fourth wall and looks to the camera. I know what this looks like. Me, Dean Santa, that sick old fuck letting my daughter litigate?

Santa University is the most reliably misogynistic billion dollar franchise that's ever been launched on HBO Max. But the writer of Santa University started catching some serious shit for He rolls his eyes. Defining gal Santa by gender. And...

He rolls his eyes again, but this time one gets stuck and he has to poke at it for a second until it goes back to the regular place. And having to kiss Dan Santa at the end of the movie. So we let her be a lawyer. Happy. Anyways, we see a bunch of Santas that tested well earlier in the screenplay for Santa University in the audience. There's Second Amendment Santa holding an armful of guns he snuck in after bribing the security elf with a stick of gum. There's too many DVDs Santa as the court stenographer and a bunch of people that I don't remember. Remember arms where their eyes should be Santa?

People like Tim. But he's not there, though. Hey, everyone. Just wanted to let everyone know if you need a copy of the Smurfs, I got a ton of extra copies. Tons. Dan Santa and Dean Santa, please approach Too Many DVDs Santa. Dan Santa and Dean Santa do so.

It's here we realize that since the last installment of Santa University, he's gotten, meaning Dean, four inches shorter. How did that happen? Must have happened between pages 200 and 487. All right, fellas, hands on the widescreen copy of Christmas with the Cranks. He extends out a still shrink-wrapped copy of the underrated classic, and Dan Santa and Dean Santa put their hands on it.

Tim Allen is such a cool guy. Karl Marx, Communist Manifesto, Wikipedia. Really makes you think. You're right, Dean Santa. I'm rooting for you to win. Jamie Lee Curtis is a sexy lady, in my opinion-o. However, I am innocent. Dan Santa, do you swear to jingle the truth, the whole jingling truth, and nothing but the jingling truth, with an extra jingle thrown in for safety?

Christmas. Yeah, me too. Thank you. Dan Aykroyd was good in this. Dan Santa and Dean Santa walk back to their seats. Dean Santa grabbing his crotch for some reason. Judge Santa walks around in the court sweating and looking nervous. Everything is riding on this. And then here's a song for Judge Santa called Order in the Jingle Court. Take it away.

Order in the jingle court. My job is riding on this. I never remember to listen. And at the end, I usually guess. And they choose to spare my life. But I'm a bullshit at this job. And I can't connect with my wife. This song goes on for a while and tells us more about Judge Santa,

who is only appearing now and won't appear after this scene, about how she cheated her way through law school, bribed Santa University administrators to be appointed to the role of judge, and had a bad habit of spilling hot coffee on herself in front of her wife when arguments got too stressful, if only to change the subject. Everyone's pretty bored and stressed out by the end. And Second Amendment Santa fidgets with his guns nervously. Oh my God.

I'm Second Amendment Santa, by the way. The woman who was sitting next to him. I'm having a panic attack. The woman sitting next to him looks around, trying to figure out who he was talking to. Sorry, were you talking to me no just for those of you who are just listening and they can't see ro Robert's holding a real gun. Oh, I forgot. Oh, he's holding two guns. He's holding two guns.

Oh, my God. What's happening? I'm not looking at the zoo. I want the mannequins. This is our Christmas party. I deal with this every day. I've been fucking wired on that fucking guest wish coffee all day. I'm out of my goddamn mind right now.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, one of the guns down. That's nice. Dan Santa, you've been brought before the court today, accused of stealing the jingle medallion. The audience

panics at the mention of the jingle medallion. Judge Santa quickly reads the rest of the accusations. As well as the misdemeanor counts for looking like shit and not being able to read in 16 homicides. Intellect Santa stands objection. Every Santa at Santa university has committed homicides. That's the only way the school even works.

Judge Santa thinks about this for a moment, then suddenly snaps the neck of the jingle bailiff sustained. Dan Santa whispers to Goth Santa, Is this how court works? I don't know. I've only been to Goth Court. It's the same as Santa Court, but you need to call the bailiff Jack Skellington

and the judge Sally. Oh, that's boring. That's boring. The plaintiff is requesting that Dan Santa return the jingle medallion and to stop looking like shit. Dan Santa gasps. What the fuck else is he supposed to look like? Dean Santa and Gal Santa look at him triumphantly. I now invite both Santa attorneys to give their opening statements.

attorneys to give their opening statements. Gal Santa and Intellect Santa give each other mean looks because women being mad at each other for reasons that are at first unclear test very well. Gal Santa stands and faces the crowd. Good morning, everyone. My name is Gal Santa, attorney at Jingle, and I'm here today representing not just santa university the university where every year 40 000 santas are admitted and 39 999 are murdered in cold blood before the year is through this is useful context for me a character from s Santa University 2. I am here! Reclaiming a family heirloom, the Jingle

Medallion. Contained within the medallion are some of the most sensitive secrets known to Santa kind. And I'm talking the first thing, the second thing, and the third and most significant thing.

Ha ha, nice. Gal Santa walks over to the defendant's stand. Consider Dan Santa. Looks like shit. Cannot read. Wants to kiss me. But I'm still dating Cool Santa at this point in Santa University. For now.

Cool Santa yells out from the jury box where he sits with Jury Elf 1 and Jury Elf 2. I'm Cool Santa, the coolest Santa at Santa University. Dan Santa has everything to gain by stealing the medallion. It would give him power, influence, the ability to seduce. She leans into Dan Santa. Any Santa he wants. Damn, I'm in love as hell. And today, I will prove that he took it. And if I can't prove it, I'm fucked. Because there was a small nuclear explosion in my dorm room, and I only have six hours before my muscles turn to goo.

Wow! Only page 480 of Santa University 4, and the stakes are rising with each passing moment! That medallion, if kissed, can revert the effects of nuclear muscle goo. And that roommate is... Intellect Santa stands, stumbling a bit, as if perhaps her muscles may soon turn to goo. Me, Intellect Santa, are you done? Whatever. She walks away, stumbling a little due to the fact that she will soon be goo. Why are they so mad at each other if they are both suffering from the same goo affliction

due to an explosion that neither of them were responsible for? Santa University 4 does not seek to answer this question. Gal Santa is right. What reporters are calling a little Chernobyl took place in our jingle dorm last night and we are absolutely fucked. last night and we are absolutely fucked. Which is why I am spending the last moments of my life on this Santa universe defending the meek, the innocent, and the shittiest looking of us all, Dan Santa. She gestures to Dan Santa. Consider Dan Santa's life at Santa University. He comes from the middle of nowhere after losing his drawback lids, being rejected by his parents Jill and Mike Santa, who abandoned him for clowns they met on Tinder. And he comes here. He meets Goth Santa. He falls in love with Gal Santa.

And he gets to witness multiple Santas die each and every day. Why would he jeopardize the first screenplay he was the protagonist of to steal the jingle medallion? Cool Santa stands in the jury box. Um, excuse me, it's hot up here. It's really, really hot. I'm okay, but I have ice in my pocket. I have a gun. Judge Santa is suddenly jolted to attention, and we realize she has not been listening even remotely.

Sorry, what? jolted to attention and we realized she has not been listening even remotely sorry what it's hot in the jury box where i cool santa who hates dan santa and two elves who hate dan santa will vote whether dan santa is guilty a beat we will vote that he is guilty i'm I'm so sorry, everyone. I just got so distracted thinking about Mank. Too many DVDs, Santa. Could you read me

back the transcript from the last five minutes? Too many DVDs, Santa looks up from a Blu-ray jacket of whiplash, which he paid 500 jingle bucks to get Miles Teller to sign. He kisses Miles Teller's signature. This is his prized possession. He rifles through his notes and looks up to Judge Santa with regret.

Sorry, Judge. I was journaling about Mank. I'm fucked. Judge Santa, if I may, I would like to bring some evidence before the court. Dan Santa stands. What about my evidence? Dan Santa, if you have any evidence, you are welcome to show it when...

I don't have any evidence. I was just lashing out. Gal Santa, you may bring your evidence before the court. Dan Santa remains standing and breaks out into a sweat. He looks around, remembering that there hasn't been a song in a while. Should that change? Oh shit, Dan Santa, are you about to sing a song? At the very suggestion of a song, Dean Santa seizes up. Oh my god, it's been 493 pages. Can't listen to Dan Santa sing another song.

I think he's going to sing another song. Dan Santa, we are fucking begging you not to sing another song. But it's too late. Dan Santa has begun to sing a song. And the song is called Evidence to My Heart. This one is a belter. They tried to cut this one in post, but I wouldn't fucking allow it. I held a knife to my throat and I said, it stays, motherfucker.

I just feel like I can never win. Just when the movie's over, it starts again. Gal Santa thinks I look like shit. And that is because I look like shit. And that is because I look like shit. Gal Santa sings the chorus. Women can do anything, including whatever this is. But I've got evidence to hit it, ha. I've got Blu-rays, I've got 4Ks, but who's gonna love me at the end of the day?

I'm old as fuck, I'm rude and mean, but remember at Santa University 3 when I had an evil twin named Bean. I don't remember your evil twin Bean because I wasn't in that script. I am an elf. I have two sons and lie. This page of the script is covered in barbecue sauce. The writer of Santa University would have you believe that this is because she was sharing some new scenes at a cookout with her many friends, but sources

indicate the sauce is from a half-rack of Chili's ribs she ordered to the house. Anyway, she got evidence to my heart. So much evidence to my... The cinematographer starts coughing again, much harder this time.

Dan Santa stops singing and looks to the camera. You good, Chet? The coughing continues. Goth Santa stands, walking toward the camera crew of Santa University, who are only paid in coupons? It's non-union. The coughing intensifies. It went down the wrong pipe. It went down the wrong pipe. It went down the wrong pipe! The cinematographer collapses in front of the camera,

and the cast of Santa University, who are being paid in Casper mattresses, they only need one, but they've all been given five, run to their assistant. The feed cuts. Interior. Judge Santa's courtroom. Twenty minutes later. The sound of sirens pulling away.

The cast of Santa University is very shaken up, drinking coffee from those teal and purple cups and whispering to each other. Jury Elf 1 and Jury Elf 2 have an audible chat near the camera. They're big-time gossips. I can't believe it. He was eating buffalo wild wings behind the camera. Poof, just like that.

Did he have kids? Yeah, but I hear the director called them, I can't believe it. He was eating buffalo wild wings behind the camera. Poof, just like that. Did he have kids? Yeah, but I hear the director called them and they were like, who cares? We hate that guy. Wow. Wow. Cool Santa and Too Many DVDs Santa walk up to the elves to make small talk. In the background, Second Amendment Santa and Judge Santa sip from the same coffee cup. Is there something going on there? Nice. I hear the new cinematographer is a huge Roger Deakins fan.

Things are about to get freaky here, man. Hi, I'm Cool Santa, the coolest Santa at Santa University. We're not up for a take right now, buddy. He's mathed, he's mathed. Whoa, buddy. He's mathed. He's mathed. Whoa. Cool. I'm cool Santa. The coolest Santa at Santa University.

In a way you are, man. In a way you are. All right. All right. We're back up. Start with the last piece of evidence. The cast of Santa University, too afraid of losing their daily rates, are all looking between each other, too traumatized by the death of the cinematographer to mention that they never broke for lunch.

We never finished my song. Yeah, we'll do it in post. And you were pitchy. Fuck! Everyone is back in their place. Did Second Amendment Santa just give Judge Santa a little kiss? Oh my god. Gal Santa returns to the front of the room.

And action. Proceed with your evidence, Gal Santa. I'd like to bring Exhibit A.B. Mistletoe to the jury. Audio of Dan Santa and Got Santa's podcast. Audio of Dan Santa and God Santa's podcast. At the sound of the word podcast, the entire court and jury gasp in horror. Dean Santa throws up! Not a podcast! Not a podcast!

I'm sick! I'm dying! Juror Elf 3, who was napping the whole time, takes out a knife and stabs himself in the neck. It almost seems involuntary. They say, remember me. They collapse dead and the court settles. One person chuckles a little at the death of juror elf three, then disguises it as a cough. What an asshole.

Or maybe they just laugh when they're scared. Does anyone ever tell you that bullshit lie when they're actually laughing at you? scared does anyone ever tell you that bullshit lie when they're actually laughing at you uh as i was saying a damning clip from dan and goth santa's podcast dated just last week she starts an audio file hello the internet it is november 1st 2020 and this is Season 60, Episode 9 of the Daily Santa University Jingle Podcast. Or Daily Santa University Podcast. Where we take a look at Santa University's subconscious and say, hey,

why are there so many dead Santas around campus, huh? There's a Cheeto in the North Pole for crying out loud. That's right. Galsanta sighs and scrubs forward in the podcast. Over in the Defenders area, Dan and Galsanta high

five at their awesome podcast. Fuck yeah. But enough about who looks like shit. Haha, that is you my man. But what is going on with this jingle medallion? The story of the jingle medallion is weird. It's ripped from the pages of National Treasure Book of Secrets. Oh, right. The writer of Santa University just watched that the other night. Ty Burrell is in

it. Can't believe they got Burrell. But this jingle medallion appears on page 274 of the screenplay for Santa University kind of like out of nowhere and is kept in Dean Santa's office. I would love to touch it like just once, you know, just to feel like the warmth of fucking anything. Please take your hands off my arm. It doubles as a hard drive where all the secrets of the past Santas are and even some JPEGs of... Back in the courtroom, Dean Santa stands up frantically.

Stop the clip. Gal Santa pauses it, a little jarred. The crowd settles. What a second rate podcast. This evidence proves that Dan Santa knew what the jingle medallion was and expressed interest in stealing it because it would be as warm as another santa's touch and i would know i am the romantic lead of a movie and the primary love interest for dan santa even though i have never expressed any meaningful interest in him hi i'm dan santa and i'm cool santa the

coolest santa at the i'd like to call a witness. Judge Santa appears to be mouthing her phone number to Second Amendment Santa. Isn't she married? Oh wait, that was the character. This is confusing. I'm drunk. The point is that Judge Santa wasn't listening and suddenly jerks back to attention. Write a witness.

Please. I'd like to call Second Amendment Santa to the stand second amendment santa can hardly believe it he wasn't even in santa university 3 but here he is taking the stand he does a long shimmy up the aisle pulls out a feather boa holds a gun in each hand performatively it's a bit much but dean Dean Santa appears to be enjoying it. I used to do this in my youth. Second Amendment Santa reaches

the stand, pa, and Intellect Santa goes in on him. Alright, Second Amendment Santa, were you with Dan Santa last night? I was. And what were you doing? I was shooting little boxes of Dunkaroos off of Dan Santa's head.

It's a sick little game I play just to see the look on his face. And so he couldn't have been stealing the medallion. Not unless he was doing so with a bleeding head injury. It hasn't clotted, but I am very brave. No further questions. She stands and Gal Santaanta approaches second amendment santa she itches at her back pocket a little and one of the jury elves says hubba hubba which is gross hubba hubba that is gross second amendment santa will you be making fun of trial of chicago seven

in this year's Santa University? I did not watch it. Too many DVDs Santa sucks in the air sharply through his teeth. Didn't watch Trial of the Chicago 7? Fucking charlatan. The only movies that I've seen this year are Ma and Manc. Would you like to hear a joke I made up about this? Gal Santa looks to Judge Santa.

Judge Santa nods. I'll allow it. This is going to be hilarious. Okay, so as I sit, can everyone hear me? We can hear you. Second Amendment Santa can barely get through the joke without cracking up. It's so funny, he really milks it. Okay.

Don't Mk ma drink alone the court audience burst into confusion I only saw mank I only saw ma I saw a meme similar to this that joke just sounds like the witness misread the joke and thought

the misread was funnier gal santa looks around panicked she's lost control of the witness misread the joke and thought the misread was funnier. Gal Santa looks around, panicked. She's lost control of the witness as Judge Santa bangs the jingle gavel. I will have order! I will have order! The crowd hushes. She turns to Second Amendment Santa and we see the gleam in her eye

that reminds us there is definitely a vibe between these two. That was a very funny joke. Smiley face emoji. No further questions. Second Amendment Santa shimmies back to his seat, whispering sweet nothings to his guns. I'm never going to give you up.

Never. The Biden won't take you. I'd like to call to the stand two people who knew Dan Santa as a piece of shit more than anyone else. Jill and Mike Santa. The crowd erupts into cheers. Fan favorites. Jill and Mike.

Wow, so amazing. Jill and Mike are not in a great mood, though. They just landed this morning, and Santa University could only afford to fly them on Spirit. And not just Spirit. The Spirit tickets where you can't bring any luggage, and you don't even know if you're fucking sitting next to each other until 45 minutes before the plane takes off.

That's right. We're back. I had to sit in a fucking middle seat. My legs hurt. jill santa pushes intellect santa as she walks by out of my way nepotism santa hey judge i call a foul the judge looks up from her copy of the girl who kicked the hornet's nest and squints at the situation that's a foul a deafening penalty horn sounds and Too Many DVD Santas kicks the dead bailiff Santa's body

away to pull them into the penalty box, which looks exactly like a hockey penalty box. The crowd laughs and laughs. Did I mention there was a penalty box? There is. And now Jill and Mike are inside of it. Any other witnesses, Gal Santa?

Gal thinks hard. Sure, everyone hates Dan Santa. He looks like shit, makes a terrible first impression, and I don't even need to say the third thing out loud. But there had to be someone who would get him. Someone... Yes, Judge Santa. I would like to call... Sully to the stand. The crowd panics. Who the fuck is Sully? It's page 500 of Santa University and we're still meeting new characters.

Jill and Mike Santa pound on the plexiglass window of the penalty box excitedly as Sully, a 5'6 guy from Boston in a flat-brimmed Red Sox hat, approaches the stand. Dan Santa is terrified and starts to sob. Now that's my kind of guy. Extremely loud and incredibly close. Ah, Sully! He fired me from the Lid store and stole my girlfriend, Janine, who was in Santa University back in 2017 and then never appeared or was mentioned again. Stay the fuck out of my script, Dan Santa. Sully takes the stand.

Gal Santa closes in. This is her ace in the hole. Sully, Sully, Sully. You're the assistant manager of a Litz, are you not? Fucking yip I am. Fucking yes, fucking i am him and you employed dan santa did you not against my fucking will my last guy who worked the reg trevor got his trevor i don't know how to do a Boston accent, got his hand sucked into the slushie machine at Auntie Anne's and I needed someone fast. Tell me, Sully.

You are so fucking beautiful, by the way. No, no, no. Tell me, Sully. Was Dan Santa a good employee? Fuck no. He stole a fucking flat brim. The crowd erupts into a roar. Dan Santa stands up in a fury.

I stole it to feed my family. Jill and Mike beat on the penalty box. That makes no sense, Dan Santa, you flaccid waste. That hat tasted like shit. Sully stands and points a finger at Dan Santa. You're a fucking loser, Dan Santa. I bet you don't even want the Bruins to win. Whoa, whoa, whoa. How can you

say that? Gal Santa looks at Intellect Santa and they both get a little goopier. Remember those steaks? Little Chernobyl. Anyways. No further questions. Intellect Santa, now goopier, goops her way to the stand. Sully.

No, Your Honor. I am a lawyer. Objection. You cannot object. You are a witness. Objection. You cannot object. I want a lawyer. I want a lawyer.

I am a lawyer. And you are so fucking beautiful, by the way. In an attempt to seduce Intellect Santa, Sully takes a yogurt cup out of his pocket and starts to eat the yogurt. It's called jingle yogurt. It's called jingle yogurt. But the jingle yogurt is really hot rotten and reeks sully realizes this

at the same time as the rest of the court but has already made a big deal about the jingle yogurt and doesn't know how to back down he takes a bite of it oh shit oh fuck he spits out the yogurt and flees the witness stand, running into the arms of Dean Santa. There, there, beautiful man. There, there. Gal Santa, Intellect Santa, do you have any more? Another penalty bell rings. Jill and Mike think this means they will be released from the penalty box, but it doesn't. This crew of Santa University will forget to unlock it at the end of the day,

leaving them there over the weekend and resulting in a number of expensive lawsuits that halt production for three years. That's the sound that means the writer of Santa University is almost out of time to write Santa University, and we need to skip to the verdict. I'm cool Santa, by the way. Coolest Santa at Santa University. Judge Santa puts down the girl. Coolest Santa at Santa University. Judge Santa puts down the girl who kicked the hornet's nest. Okay, jury, you may deliberate. Is there a different room to go to? Judge Santa looks to the camera.

A beat. The director hisses. We can't afford a different room. I just make the verdict here. We'll talk really loud so we can't hear you. This is epic. The jury, Cool Santa, Jury Elf 1, and Jury Elf 2 start whispering to each other loudly. We can hear them saying,

Santa is guilty. He's so guilty. He's so guilty. I wonder what they will decide. I just don't understand why Lisbeth and Blanquist reconciled at the end. Fincher did the best version. He understands women.

Manc. Yes, Manc. Everyone in the court remembers Second Amendment Santa's hilarious joke from earlier and started to crack up all over again. The joke was funny. Don't make me drink alone. Don't mank, as in the movie Manc. It just makes me laugh. It's just good humor.

Cool Santa and the jury elves turn to the court. Cool Santa, here we have made a decision. Song, we decided he was guilty yesterday. Cool Santa and the two jury elves sing a funky standard, grinding on each other as they sing. Dan Santa's guilty, you know that it's true. We decided yesterday that Dan Santa's gonna pay. It's funny because he didn't commit the crime. Dan Santa cuts off the song.

Wait! Everyone is relieved. Cool Santa, being method, was taking the grinding too seriously. And it was making everyone uncomfortable. I'd like to call myself to the stand. Intellect Santa is so fucking pissed. You can't do that, Dan Santa. Your foolish, scrawny, but gigantic ass

is going to blow the entire case. No, no, let him. This will be funny. Goth Santa here, by the way. I feel like I've kind of fallen into the background of this one. Me too. Sad face. But that's a goth's life.

Sad face tear. Dan Santa heads to the witness stand, and goth Santa falls excitedly. After all, he is Dan Santa's closest ally at Santa University. Hello, everyone. Hi, Dan Santa. Hello, everyone. Hi, Dan Santa. Before you announce the jingle verdict, I just wanted to say I know that I look like shit and cannot read.

And yes, I took the flat brim hat from Lids to feed my hungry, hungry father. But I did not steal that medallion. No. You did, Dan Santa. And now my daughter gonna be goop. Gal Santa, as the script of Santa University has indicated since your clumsy introduction eight hours ago, I am in love as hell with you. I am not interested. Nonetheless, I would never want you to turn to goop. Beautiful, sexy goop that I love. What about me?

Oh, stop that. I wish I got a song this year. I would never steal a medallion that would turn gal to goop. It would have to be someone who wanted power. Damn, Dan. Santa is smart as hell in this one. Gal to goop. It would have to be someone who wanted power. And damn, Dan, Santa is smart as hell in this one. The script has to end.

The writer is out of time. And wanted intellect Santa to liquefy for vague reasons. Gal, Santa's eyes widen. Is Dan Santa implicating her? Is Dan Santa implicating her? You mean me. I mean me. Yes, Gal Santa, you stole the medallion. Also, I saw it in your back pocket because I like to steal a peek. You know me. That's my daughter's ass you're talking about, pal. What can I say? The point is, gal stole it.

So I stole the jingle medallion fine! Wow. She takes the jingle medallion out of her back pocket where it has been visible in at least half of the shots she's appeared in so far whatever you are picturing the jingle medallion looks like it is much uglier than that oh that's it man that looks like shit better than dad santa this is my last line in santa university but it wasn't because i wanted power which i did want and it wasn't because I wanted power, which I did want.

And it wasn't because I hate intellect Santa because women hating each other for no reason tests well. It's because I wanted to be a lawyer. Dean Santa turns to the camera. Crooked smile face. And now all of you know I'm more than just Gal Santa, nepotism princess of Santa University. I'm Gal Santa, someone who will litigate you into an early grave and snap your fucking neck to be the final Santa at Santa University. Intellect Santa tries to clap, but she's gotten too goopy. Gal Santa offers the jingle medallion to Intellect Santa, who kisses it.

Her posture immediately improves. She ain't at all goopy now. Gal Santa kisses the medallion as well, and the same happens. Do you forgive me, Daddy? I guess we're out of time. Now give me that fucking medallion.

Dean Santa tries to snatch the medallion, but he is gross, and his hands are constantly covered in butter, so the medallion slips out of his hand and flies into the air as we hear Ave Maria play. Can we play Ave Maria? I swear to fucking God. Through a series of fucking clumsily edited shots, the medallion lands into the hard drive of TooManyDVD's Santa's, uh, laptop,

which he's had the whole time. No, not the Santa data! TooManyDVD's Santa turns the screen to the audience. It's a collection of JPEGs of Santa asses through the years. Everyone gets so horny they don't know what to do. I dream of adding my ass to this holy roster. My ass would add something a little different as it has a tattoo of a phoenix. My ass is a gun.

I guess we're just not going to read the verdict. Did this pass the Bechdel test? No. Shout out Bechdel cast. Not at all. In no way. Santa looks to the camera. It's just another year at...

The theme from Santa is Santa. The Santa University. The Santa, Santa, Santa University Santa Santa Santa University Santa Santa Santa

Santa University Santa Santa Santa University We all got there. The new cinematographer

keels over dead. The end. Yay! Perfect. Another! Perfect. Another amazing year of Santa University. Thanks, everyone. Thanks. That was an incredible script, Jamie.

Thank you. You wrote it all immediately before we had to read it. There could not be me doing that sort of thing. Oh, man. You are prolific. I welcome feedback. I asked to kill Robert, and I didn't get to,

and I'm sad about it. I wanted a song, and I didn't get a song. Well, that was the rehearsal, right? You did. That was, yeah, we're actually going to do the whole thing

starting right now. Okay. Because everyone has a few more hours now. Well, we're going to do notes, right? So who should I start with? Yeah, yeah. I would love some feedback. Yeah.

A little clunky sometimes if you wrote it. Like the reading could have been smoother. So I think maybe relax a little bit. Yeah, yeah. I was just saying relax. Okay, okay, okay. No, no. That's actually really helpful. I'm going to do a whole other thing.

I think I'm going to do like Ace Ventura kind of a thing. Wait, I thought that Dan Santa had an Australian accent. Yes, I was going to bring that up. He did. It's changed. I don't know. Oh, God. I was looking forward to that. I think I had it in one

and then I remembered it in the first year. It was in one of them. I had to listen to all of them because I forget what happens in all of them every year. The lore? The lore. You do it in all of the second one and then at the beginning of the third one and then you bail out in the middle

of the third one. So canonically it's no longer Australian. And see, I do that so anyone can play Dan Santa. Yeah, exactly. Caitlin, can you just talk like Sully from now on all the time, please? Oh, yeah. I'm just now changing my entire personality to reflect Sully. Not Sully.

I forgot to resolve Judge Santa and Second Amendment Santa. You know, there's going to be a Sully. I forgot to resolve Judge Santa and Second Amendment Santa. You know, there's just going to be a fifth year. There just has to be a fifth year. We also never really declared a verdict. That's true. That's kind of up in the air. What a cliffhanger.

Yeah. Well, thanks, everyone. Happy holidays. Yeah, thanks for writing. Happy holidays. Yeah, thanks for writing. Happy holidays. Happy holidays to you. Yeah, thanks for including me. This was fun.

Happy Honda days. Interior. Where poetry dies. dies. Sonic Santa has another couplet written on the back of the 514th page of Santa University. A script that couldn't even get a fucking meaty neck weeby. And look at how that worked out.

Santa University outlived weeby. Really think about that. Anyways, Sonnet Santa reads another shitty sonnet to close out the show. She's too good for this. She's a landlord in heaven, a plotline that never becomes relevant to Santa University. She reads, Santa University Sonnet 2. Even worse. So there you go, my frothy friends. The Santas went to court. It will never come up again.

Next year's all about sports. I must admit, I, Poetry Santa, did not read over the script. I don't know how court went for Dan, the Santa who looks like shit. Instead, I walked my dog and wondered how this script could exist. Fuck Santa University! But it should be on the blacklist. Sonnet Santa looks at the camera peacefully. Is anyone gonna tell her

that Sonnet was only 12 lines? Guess not. Landlords! See you next year, folks!