The Daily Zeitgeist - SANTA UNIVERSITY PART 6

Episode Date: December 23, 2022

It's that time again... Santa University is back for a sixth installment!  Written and narrated by Jamie Loftus.  Performed by: Caitlin DuranteJack O'BrienMiles GrayDanl GoodmanAnna HossniehJoelle MoniqueSophie LichtermanRobert EvansShereen YounesIan JohnsonMargaret KilljoyPropSarah Marshall Chris Crofton ENJOY!  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jess Casavetto, executive producer of the hit Netflix documentary series Dancing for the Devil, the 7M TikTok cult. And I'm Clea Gray, former member of 7M Films and Shekinah Church. And we're the host of the new podcast, Forgive Me for I Have Followed. Together, we'll be diving even deeper into the unbelievable stories behind 7M Films and Shekinah Church. Listen to Forgive Me for I Have Followed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Keri Champion, and this is season four of Naked Sports. Up first, I explore the making of a rivalry. Kaitlyn Clark versus Angel Reese.

Every great player needs a foil. I know I'll go down in history. People are talking about women's basketball just because of one single game. Clark and Reese have

changed the way we consume women's sports. Listen to the making of a rivalry Caitlin Clark versus Angel Reese on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcast. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Hey, I'm Gianna Pardenti

and I'm Jermaine Jackson-Gadsden. We're the hosts of Let's Talk Offline from LinkedIn News and iHeart Podcasts. There's a lot to figure out when you're just starting your career. That's where we come in. Think of us as your work besties you can turn to for advice. And if we don't know the answer, we bring in people who do, like negotiation expert Maury Tahiripour. If you start thinking about negotiations as just a conversation,

then I think it sort of eases us a little bit. Listen to Let's Talk Offline on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Merry Christmas! All right, and here we are. We're back. It's Santa University.

We've been doing this shit for half a decade now. Wow. Welcome back to all returning Santa University cast members, and welcome to new folks on the block as well. My name's Jamie Loftus, and this is a little tradition we do around here. It's from an 18-hour unproduced, so far, screenplay that I've been sort of taking around town the last 10 years. more and and you know we get a new look into about 21 pages of Santa University each and every year so at that rate we will be doing this for about 30 years

and you know hopefully the next 25 will will go a little better I was reflecting on if if I may I was reflecting on the first Santa University from 2017. Everyone from the first Santa U is still here. And I was thinking about how on that day I showed up with two diapers strapped to my torso. Does anyone remember that? I certainly do, Jamie. I certainly do. I've just been trying to take stock of things

recently and you know, today things are a little different. I'm just free bleeding. I'm not using a diaper. So, this year at Santa University, we've got a doozy.

It's the theme of this Santa University. Well, it comes out in the script but a little hint, It's the theme of this Santa University. Well, it comes out in the script, but a little hint, it's in papyrus font. So before we get started, we've got to meet the cast of Santa University 6, Santa University 2022. So I'm just going to kick it over to each person and let everyone know what parts you'll be playing this year. And let's get started with Ana Hosnier. Hi, I will be reprising my role of Gal Santa. All right, prop. Hey, I will be James Cameron's cameraman, and I will be Goth Santa.

All right, Maggie. I will be Scab Santa and Prepper Santa. In that order. Okay, we've got Shireen. I will be Intellect Santa, reprising that, and Ryan O. Santa. A new character who has one line. Sophie. I will be playing Horse Girl Santa and Rocket Computer.

All right, Sarah. I will be playing James Cameron, Skater Santa, and Dead Jack Santa? Question mark? That's correct. Sure to be a new fan favorite. All right, we've got Chris Crofton back on Santa University. Hi, I'm playing Glory Hole Santa. For those of you who don't remember Santa University 3, that's a reprised role.

It's one of my personal favorites. Chris Crompton doesn't remember doing it. I don't recall. I thought I was always cold. But, you know, Santa University has a lot in common with the Avatar movies in that no one remembers what happens from year to year. Glory holds Santa to refresh your memory, he was the big villain of Santa University 3.

You ended up being Lacey Mosley's father. Oh my God. I forgot that. Yeah, it was huge. It's all coming back. No, it's not. No, it's not. It is not.

Jack O'Brien. Hey, Jack O'Brien. Hey, Jack O'Brien. I will be playing Dean Santa, the old shithead himself. To quote Jamie Loftus. Also, Sarah is Sarah Marshall, and Maggie is Margaret Killjoy. So everybody knows who those voices are. Oh, everyone was next to her. Oh, crap. I was trying to get full names

for the new cast member. It's true. And that's on me. It is true. You're welcome. Very Dean Santa of you. You really answered his role, ain't you there, Jack?

We do have some new students we'd like to welcome. Jack's method, you guys. Yeah. Miles. Hi, Jack O'Brien. And I'm going to be Dan Santa. What? Oh, man.

I was just repeating what you said, sorry. Daryl Goodman. I will be playing Boy Soprano Santa, pretty good DJ Santa, I claimed it, sorry, Ian. And Nathan, for you, recap Santa. All right, we've got Caitlin Durante back reprising another beloved role no one remembers. Oh, excuse me. Everyone remembers Sully.

Okay. I sure do. As well as arms where his eyes should be, Santa. Wow, two icons have entered the chat. Unintended icon. Joelle Monique is back. Hey, I'm playing cool Santa, related but not related Santa, and not like the other Santas.

We got Ian Johnson, another rookie on the SU team. I will be playing the best boy, Sopranos boy Santa, and good DJ. And finally, returning to reprise two roles, and one that we had an argument about before we turned the mic on. It's Robert Evans. Hi, I'm Second Amendment Santa and Knife Santa. Knife Santa, right? Knife Santa, right. But then there's also the Australian Santa.

Well, I'm going to be Australian, yeah. I've been dusting off. Once I learned that the Australian accent was just a version of the Boston accent, it really fell into place. Oh, boy. No, that's a separate character, right? Yeah, it's also a separate character.

It's a separate character. It's not a direction. I told all of you to not let him do this. Sophie tried to warn you, but now we're locked in. Now we're locked in. It's too late. It's too late. That character I gave too many lines to.

All right, here it is. Santa University 6. Yay. All right. Interior, the set of Avatar four. James Cameron enters speaking loudly in front of a green screen as a crew works behind him, including all of the actors with all those dots on their faces.

Do you really think they use all that stuff? I kind of think they end up using cartoons. Hi, I'm James Cameron. Do you know what I mean though? There's this really interesting video online of Benedict Cumberbatch playing Smaug the Dragon in one of those Hobbit movies. And he's just like covered in dots and hissing at the camera. There's no way anyone could have used that for anything other than as evidence for a humiliation kink.

And I am one of the executive producers on Santa University. They say don't bet against this guy unless you're looking for a decent portrayal of indigenous communities then bet against him all you want. James Cameron is pissed and rip shit. Look I've seen the trades. I know Santa University is murdering Avatar 2 water water everywhere at the box office. A distant awooga sounds. In the distance. Good job, Jamie. Behind James Cameron on the set of Avatar 4,

they said if 3 made a billion, we could just do straight hentai porn. Sam Worthington appears to have fallen off a crane. Zoe Saldana crying? Not my business. Relax, we have a spare. I've been following Santa University carefully since the first 18-hour draft was leaked five years ago. I thought, should have been longer. A musical about a university where 40,000 Santas are admitted every year and only one survives until the end, it's... A panicked cinematographer approaches James and is crying.

Sir, um, Sam Worthington's not responding. I said bring in the spare. That's the last one. That was Sam Worthington's ninth life. James Cameron snaps the cinematographer's neck. Shut up already. Yes, Santa University grossed $3 billion in its first minute. But I can accept that. It is a superior work of art on every level.

It's what I like to call one for the sluts. But it wasn't without its production hiccups. For example, he takes out an envelope labeled sensitive jingle information within. You might notice that people's ages fluctuate throughout the movie. That is because production was put on hold for six years between between page 64 and 65 of Santa University, when producer Jerry Bruckheimer came onto the production and wanted everyone's teeth removed and replaced with one-foot-tall veneers. Insert shots of before and after Santa University actors. Dan Santa with nubby little teeth under a picture labeled 2017, then foot-tall porcelain monstrosities that appear to be straining the very limits of his shitty face. There are little cuts on the side of his mouth.

There's another side-by-side comparison of too many DVDs Santa, whose veneers have stretched his head so much his scalp is bleeding. Also, he is holding a copy of Inherent Vice. I'll say it. Titanic is no Santa University, whether it's Santa University 1, Santa University 2, about the hacker prom that was only okay, Santa University 3 and 4,

which were pretty good, but very structurally similar, or Santa University 5, Santa University. Who could forget? This year, in the screenplay, I would cut my own head off to have written myself, oh fuck, oh shit, we find ourselves in that classic movie pickle, the Mamma Mia. A best boy approaches James Cameron with a cell phone.

Sir, it's Sam Worthington's mother. She's very upset about the ninth life. James Cameron snatches the phone and screams into it. Oh, grow up! He shoots the phone. Long beat. I'm the best boy. The remainder of this page is covered in ragu

sauce. In papyrus font, we see the title of this, the worst segment yet, appear on screen. Daniel, if you could just throw in some of the theme music from Avatar, because we are stealing it for this segment of the movie.

So just imagine kind of like a James Horner soundtrack. Okay, Santa University 6, Mamma Mia? More like Papa Pia in space. The theme to Santa University plays like it's a sea shanty for some reason, which is confusing because that doesn't fit with this year's theme at all. Interior, Jingle Cafeteria Day. We're back at Santa U.

It's early in the movie Santa University, and the whole gang is eating a hearty lunch of jingle bread. I'm tired. Goth Santa, 18, calls Gerard Wade Jerry because he feels like he knows him. Gal Santa looks at a salad but can't touch it because a woman eating passes the Bechdel test and Jerry Bruckheimer told me he'd eat me if I let that happen. Intellect Santa, glasses, smart, and a third thing too, and Dan Santa, looks like shit and it never gets old to share with you, cannot read. Thinks he's enjoying a hot jingle ham sandwich, but is actually teething on three of his own fingers. Interesting. Gal Santa, what's wrong?

You've barely touched your plot salad. Barely touched your plot salad. We've been experiencing budget cuts due to the writer of Sandy University writing a music cue for Eye of the Tiger into every scene. It's not even lettuce. It's... Piss seaweed. Oh, wow. That's not like the other seaweeds. I'll check if it's piss seaweed. Oh, wow. That's not like the other seaweeds. I'll check if it's piss seaweed.

Dan Santa tastes the piss seaweed and frowns. It is piss seaweed. It is piss seaweed. I know. We're going to have so many children together in the sequel. Cool Santa, the coolest Santa in school, who is... Hey, gal. It's me, Cool Santa.

The coolest Santa at Santa University. And your boyfriend. Gal Santa and Cool Santa speak in unison. For now, that is. In the background of the scene, two other Santas, Boy Soprano Santa and Soprano's Boy Santa, start kissing. Our gang doesn't notice. We're on campus.

Or should I say, frampus. We're at on campus, or should I say, Frampus? Is that a Santa is going to get drafted to Santa's space today. Really? That's a death sentence. The Santa who sends people to space is a notoriously unstable lunatic with a penchant for human rights abuses. That sounds like a reference to someone. No Santa's ever been to Santa's space and survived. Hey gal, wasn't your mom drafted to Santa's space before you were born? Yes, but girl can't have mom in movies, so she die.

Oh wait, I figured out the reference. Of course she did. It's the same reference every movie villain of the last five years has been making, and we're stuck with it for the next decade. What's next, an Elizabeth Holmes pastiche? Fucking try me! Anyways, the Soprano Santa smooch in the background and sing a song called Love Me Al Dente.

Please love me al dente Love me firm to the tooth Hey, just love me al dente Like some pasta fugu That's really great Dean Santa, the dean of Santa University The old shithead himself Bursts into the cafeteria Kicking the door down

He's wearing military regalia Just just like in the Santa Claus 2 when Tim Allen militarizes the North Pole and we were like, awesome, sure. The Santa space draft has been chosen. The door he just kicked down flies across the room and beheads the boy Soprano Santa. He hits one last high note. It's very beautiful! Soprano's boy Santa falls to his knees in horror. My boy! Dean Santa!

Dean Santa throws one of those scary sharp little stars, note to prop master, Google this, and it lands in Soprano boy Santa's neck. Dan Santa gasps, but everyone else cheers! Knife Santa claps, not realizing he is stabbing himself with his own knife. What amazing leadership.

Something is not quite right about this place, but I can't quite put my finger on it just yet. Still early in the movie, Dean Santa strides over to the table and slams down an envelope. Sensitive jingle information within. Dan Santa, can you tell me what that says?

Sir, he can't. He- I know damn well what he looks like and what he can and cannot do, and that is why- He pulls out a piece of paper. It's identical to the acceptance letter Dan Santa got from Santa Yu. It's actually the same letter with a bunch of things crossed out, and Dean Santa struggles to read it. Greetings, Dan Santa. We know you did not apply to Santa Space Force University, but regardless, we have drafted you. Please report to the nearest rocket and bring peace to the war-torn country of UMass Dartmouth.

What? There's a war? Why is only Dan Santa being drafted? Figure this out later. But UMass Dartmouth is close by. No, it's not. First, I get fired from LIDS. Now, I'm getting drafted to space what the freaking heck well look at it this way dan santa it may by page 67 i think it may be university wait let me read that i think it's a typo look at it like this dancing oh i fucked up I think it's a typo. Look at it like this, Dan Santa.

Oh, I fucked up. Leave this in. What? Leave this in. It's like 5,000 typos. I was like, wait, what does this say? Maybe. Yeah. Oh, is this incoherent?

It may be. Maybe. Look at it this way, Dan Santa. It may be page 67 of Santa University, but the stakes are still rising. Thanks, my close associate, Goth. Please keep saying that, or the writer of Santa University will forget and I will be killed off. A sword descends from the ceiling, barely missing Goth. Thanks for the reminder, Dan Santa.

You're welcome. He walks over to Gal, who makes eye contact with him and gags a little. Oh, hey. So, I'll be back, Gal Santa, to slowly grind you down into being

my girlfriend between pages 160 and 407 of the Screenplay Santa University. He's dragged away by the jingle bailiff. Remember him? No? Oh, that's fine. Santa University 4.

Gal Santa sighs to Dean Santa. Ah. My mom died her year at Santa University. She lived until the very end. Do you? Do you ever feel bad about killing her dad? Oh, shut up. You're right, that was out of line.

Who gave her that emergency C-section, huh? I think it was the elves. Well, at least we can have a relaxing lunch now. The vibe in the cafeteria shifts abruptly. With Dan Santa gone, the writer of Santa University sort of forgot what to do with everyone else. Um, okay, let's try something. Gal, I read your mother's old diary

and there are two other Santas who might be your father. Gal nods and decides to raise the stakes a little herself. I need to find out who my real father is in the next ten pages of the whole movie, Santa University, or my whole body will turn to goo! Ah, yes, the little Chernobyl from Santa University 4. Intellect Santa gets a little excited at the idea of a Mamma Mia situation.

Who would have thought? She wears glasses, so most assume she computer. It's a papapia! Bring in the daddies! The DJ Santas, good DJ and pretty good DJ, let the actors decide among themselves who is who and pause the broadcast to have them explain their reasoning, enter with turntables, and they start singing Mom Santa Bimbo Era.

Their beats are... They're fine. So wait, could you really quickly explain why Daniel, why you're pretty good and why Ian's good? Yes. Ian has a better sense

of what... I know the answer, but I want to hear what Daniel says. Wow. Ian started DJing long before I did and has a better sense of what the crowd wants to hear. I'm just very excitable and good on mic. Are you? That's fair. How humble.

No, it's good. I was just gonna say because I feel like white men have had enough. But Dan's answer was good too. Dan's answer was good too. There you go. Okay, good. You guys can hash this out off mic. For now, you've got a song to sing, and it's Mom Santa Bimbo Era. Best of luck.

Mom Santa Bimbo Era. All the Santas they were scared of. Mom Santa Bimbo Era. Glory, Hole, and Michael Cera. Just kidding. Not that last one. He meant Second Amendment Santa. That's right.

My bad good DJ. I'm just a pretty good DJ Second Amendment Santa. That's right. My bad good DJ. I'm just a pretty good DJ. Mom Santa bimbo era. I wish I were 20% better at DJ. The potential daddies emerge. It's Second Amendment Santa, who we know dies at the Santa prom later, but he doesn't know that yet. All he knows is he's heavily armed and had sex with Mom Santa once.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Gal Santa. Second Amendment Santa? I thought you were a student! I don't remember, and the writer of Santa University spilled a carafe of cheddar broccoli soup on the page of the screenplay that specified it. Then there's Glory Hole Santa, who we will later learn committed murder. He does know that. He's already planned it.

Stop the wedding! He realizes there is no wedding happening and tries to play it off like nothing happened. He even brushes his hair off his forehead all casual like, but he's bald! Feels nice to get a slurp of fresh air outside the old

glory hole. Coughs up a hairball? It takes a while. Pretty exciting, huh, Gal Santa? I'm cool Santa, by the way. End of scene. Exterior, Santa University Space Station.

Note, this scene takes place after the Bruckheimer veneers incident. So the actor playing Dan Santa is both seven years older and 40% big teeth. It's an improvement on his looks, but he still looks like shit. Everyone in the scene has such big, fake, glass, scary teeth that theaters should expect a lot of walkouts during this scene. Dan Santa enters the Santa spaceship field, an area outside of Santa University. Script note, all rockets should be functional and built to scale. To make sure no one's cutting any fucking corners, I will be personally blowing them up for B-roll later on.

Maybe there's this chance to get out of Santa University for good. Maybe I can get a job at Space Best Buy. Well, look who it fucking is. Sully, the terrifying fucko from Boston who once fired Dan Santa from lids, leans on the side of the rocket. Dan Santa is dismayed. Not that he could read a word like that. Sully?

What is that? Sully notices Dan Santa and slaps the flat brim of his Bruins hat. He slaps it, slaps it, slaps it. And each time he slaps it, it changes color? Can Sully do magic?

We don't have time to know. but his teeth are so big now. I've seen you've been drafted into the Santa Space Force along with these other highly killable B characters who have been on the same Google Doc list for years. He gestures over to the other space Santas, who should probably just be wearing proper space suits, but are just wearing crop tops. There's Horse Girl Santa, Offensive Australian Accent Santa, Dead Jock Santa, Woke Santa, this one would have sucked, Scab Santa, really long recaps of old episodes of Nathan For You, I've already seen Santa,

and Santa who is convinced you're distantly related, but you're not actually related Santa. The whole gang. This has to be a mistake. I'm the protagonist of Santa University. Sully laughs. He keeps laughing. He can't stop laughing.

Sully, snap out of it that's no way to speak to your general manager no what that's not that's a great line that's a great line it stays but Sully notices that a woman has

spoken to him but you are so fucking beautiful by the way Dan Santa offensive Australian accent Santa wants to say his name to do told you not to give him that part not even close Jesus Christ it's's Dan Santa. See? Hey, that was pretty good. There it is.

Found it. I think James Cameron can speak to it. That's just kind of part of the process. Sully pulls Dan Santa closer to him. His hat changes color again. What the fuck is going on with his hat? Let me tell you something. We're opposites, buddy.

You fucking hear me? I look like piss, and I can read. And what I've been reading in Santa University so far makes it seem like old Sully has become a bigger fan favorite than Dan Santa himself. And when Santas get sent to fight at UMass Dartmouth... He does a performative neck-cutting gesture, but the noise he makes to accompany it doesn't match up. He makes a sound like a truck backing up.

The beep noise. Beep, beep, beep. It's confusing, and the other Santas start to panic. I'm not ready to die. I actually am ready to die. So the whole show is a rehearsal, right? Hold on. I don't think you're getting it.

Get out of here, Dan Santa. You weak son of garbage. The Santas load up onto the rocket, all very nervous because the rocket is about to explode. Whoops, spoilers. Dan Santa will be fine though. Sorry, spoilers again. Interior, the rocket, continuous.

Studio note, this scene was shot pre-Bruckheimer. Dan Santa's teeth look even smaller than usual. The rocket is named after Cornelius Santa, someone that no one knows anything about, including me. The name has bad vibes, though. You're flying this thing, right, Horse Girl Santa? Yes, Sully said that flying a rocket is just like riding a horse. What's up?

So your last name is Santa, huh? So wild, my last name is Santa. Did you ever happen to... The hatch shuts and Dan Santa takes a seat on a lawn chair that seems available. He's sitting next to Nathan Recap Santa and is extremely uncomfortable. So this one is a bit of a send-up of popular dating shows on network TV, but there's a bit of a twist and it's pretty cerebral. I can't do this.

Before Nathan Recap Santa can start to recap the gas station rebate episode, Dan Santa paces away as the rocket grows louder. In a panic, he heads to the cryo chamber, separate from all the other Santas. Horse Girl Santa can be heard over the loudspeaker. All right, everyone. I'm going to count down from five, then we'll take off. One. Two.

It's counting up, mate. Dan Sona. Not Dan Sona. Santa. As they say in Australia. Robert just created a character for Santa University 7. Dan saw that. Yes, he saw that.

Oh, shit. Oh, crap. That's right. My woman brain is very small. Okay, let's try again. Five. Too late. The rocket's already taken off and immediately explodes!

Studio note, must explode rocket with actors in stye. If I see a Hollywood Reporter article about how anyone made it out, I will have sex with the tailpipe of my car! Except for Dan Santa, of course. The cryo chamber breaks off the ship, sprouts wings, and continues to shoot towards space. In the new tiny spaceship, Dan Santa giggles. Hee hee hee. I knew it! I am the protagonist of the movie

Santa University! Where to, computer? He looks to the control panel, which is covered in labeled buttons. He frowns. Where to, computer? Ugh, terrible. The rocket computer? Is this a thing? Just kidding, you don't have to check.

Talks back to him. Please read instructions, then enter destination. Dan Santa raises his arms to the sky. Still can't breathe! Script note. Dan Santa's inability to read has nothing to do with a lack of access to higher education, nor does it have anything to do with a learning disability on the part of Dan Santa. It is simply attributed to, wait for it, bad writing.

Heading to planet of lost Santas. Ooh, exciting cliffhanger. Exterior, Santa University Space Station, continuous. Sully shakes his head as he sees Dan Santa's tiny rocket continue to fly upwards as the Cornelius Santa spaceship continues to blow up, body parts and glass teeth falling right and left. God damn you, Dan Santa! Sully's co-worker,yan o santa shows up he is exactly like sully but one inch taller so sully can't stand his ass damn sully what happened you think you're better than me

exterior the planet of lost santa's day studioeth big again. Frowny face. Dan Santa's spaceship lands on the rough terrain of the planet of lost Santas. It's a little dark, a little dirty, but at least the sun is out all day and all night, so it's also very disorienting and it feels like shit to be there. You have arrived. Damn! How the heck did you know where to bring me? The writer of Santa University only has two hours to finish writing the script. Dan gets out of the ship and looks around in the blinding sunlight, finding three figures in the distance.

It's the Doomsday Prepper sisters or possibly wives, it's a bit unclear and we're going to really play that up in the marketing. They look into the distance. It's Skater Santa, a tall and willowy roller skater who makes a beeline for Dan. Not like the other Santas, who has kind of this bangs thing going on, not sure. And Prepper Santa, who's fully armed and gives Santa a cute little look. Are you seeing this robot computer? Maybe they know where the best buy is. But the rocket computer is gone because they forgot to put it in the shot.

It'll be back, though, and it will be jarring. Dan Santa tries to wave the girls down. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come here. I'm the protagonist of Santa University. Skater Santa gets to him first, skidding to a stop and getting a bunch of fucked up space dust into Dan's helmet. He coughs at first, but then realizes it tastes good and just kind of licks the inside of his helmet instead. So he's kind of hard to see for the rest of the scene.

Like nerds or something. Did you say Santa University? Hi, I'm Dan Santa. Okay, but did you say Santa University? Hi, I'm Dan Santa. Jack Nicholson. Skater Santa turns to not like the other Santas and Prepper Santa, who are right behind her. I don't think we should talk to him.

Word can't get back. What did he say? I love his jokes, by the way. He said Santa University. Prepper Santa looks at Dan Santa with curiosity. Attraction? It couldn't be. After all, Dan Santa looks like blank and can't even so forth.

And yet, she gets close. Did you say Santa University? Hi, I'm Dan Santa. Sorry, could you lick an area of the helmet clean so I could get a better look at you?

Dan Santa is all too happy to lick a helmet. He is very fucking weird. Pepper's eyebrows raise. So you come from Santa University. Is that true? Dan Santa still does not give a straight answer, but his voice is more methodical, lustful

this time. It is gross for the audience to see, and we all wish that Prepper Santa had higher standards. Hi. I'm Dan Santa. They say it in unison. You're not in love unless you say it in unison. I'm in love as hell.

Oh, for fuck's sake. A jaunty piano ballad starts playing the jukebox classic, You Better Not Fuck Dan Santa. Oh, you better not fuck Dan Santa. Oh, you better not fuck Dan Santa. I don't care how lonely you are. It doesn't matter what he looks like or what he can't do. But we've already come this far. No, you better not fuck Dan Santa.

We've been hiding for all these years. You'd have to give Dan Santa. We've been hiding for all these years. You'd have to give Dan Santa our canned goods. And those powder meals you say are good, but we can all agree aren't good. They've got a Ronettes thing going on, and I think

that read in the performance. Dan Santa starts licking his helmet to the rhythm as Prepper hits him with the bridge. Who says that I'd fuck dance Santa? Women characters can do lots of things like... She searches for something, but she can't think of anything. The writer of Santa University has had so much time to learn a single thing about women.

What the fuck gives? Prepper Santa is silent for the rest of her verse, then just starts again. Girlies, I'm going to fuck Dan Santa. Cha-cha-cha. Skater and not like the other Santa laugh.

Cross their arms. Push Dan Santa to the ground a little harder than intended, but then just start kicking him because it's fun. That's our prepper. Let's get out of here, Dan Santa. I need to give you an important plot point about the movie Santa University. I knew that's what he said.

Wait, what about the papapia? There's only 20 minutes before Santa University starts recording. Oh, shit. Smash cut two. Interior, jingle cafeteria day. The students of Santa U are enraptured as Gal Santa's three potential fathers stand at the front of the auditorium.

In front of the jingle guillotine. Intellect Santa paces back and forth in front of the three nervous-looking fathers. Dean Santa, Second Amendment Santa, and Glory Hole Santa. I would like to repeat the stakes of the scene as some people have been getting confused.

Arms where his eyes should be Santa walks into the cafeteria, a little late for lunch. He gasps. Oh my god, boy Soprano Santa and Soprano's boy Santa are dead. We don't have time to revisit that plot point. At least they died together. It's what they would have wanted. Dean Santa shoots Arms where his eyes should be Santa. Not mortally, though. He's a fan favorite. Thank you, Dean Santa. We will now have the three potential fathers of Gal Santa sing for their lives and for their paternity or... She points to Gal, who's looking a little goopy. Remember that?

Gal Santa will turn to goo if she doesn't learn who her father is. Also, she points to the jingle guillotine. Studio note, jingle guillotine must cost $3 million. I don't care how you do it. Just do it. Anyone who isn't the father will be beheaded. That was my idea. Cool, Santa.

You're the funniest guy I know who would like to begin Dean Santa raises his hand and gal Santa whoops go get him dad convince me I'm of your flesh Dean Santa gets up to the mic and puts on his tap shoes this is his moment he has. He improvises the whole song? So quick notes. Dean Santa's moving. So here's where Dean Santa's song, it's a moving, little bit funny,

and heartwarming appeal to Gal Santa as her father that also references the fact that he killed her mother on purpose and would do it again if given the opportunity. And it goes a little like this. Oh, okay. Written specifically for me for my strong improv skills. Gal Santa, you are my daughter

or at least I think it's true gal santa you are my daughter and i killed your mother while she was making you and that is uh and then fast forward a couple like 15 minutes and that is why we are here to learn if you are actually my daughter. Yeah. No one knows how to feel about Dean Santa's song. I loved it. The gal loves it. She tries to clap her goopy hands together.

That was beautiful, Jack. He's just practicing radical honesty, everyone. That's what he always said when he threw jingle bells at me at my ballet recital, saying if I was any good, I would let Kunis kill me with a piece of glass like Black Swan. Now everyone just sort of feels bad for Gal Santa. I'd like to go next. Oh, God, this character is extremely polarizing. Oh, God, this character is extremely polarizing.

And yet, Second Amendment Santa comes to the stage and improvises his whole song. Unfortunately, Second Amendment Santa appears to have forgotten the assignment and sings one too many verses about different times he almost accidentally shot his own arm off and one time where he actually did. And that song goes something like this. Oh, a gun is a lot like a penis. In this metaphor, the bullets are come. Anyway, I don't think I've ever technically had sex, but I accidentally shot a jogger through my bay window once.

Maybe that counts. This song goes over a little better. Second Amendment Santa then shoots down a jingle chandelier where it falls and crushes three nondescript Santas. That's what you get for looking at my daughter. So he did know what the song was supposed to be about. Glory Hole Santa, Dean Santa killed my mother for me. Well, not for me. I guess for fun.

Second Amendment Santa killed three teen Santas who weren't even looking at me for me when they weren't even looking at me. What do you have to say? Stop. The wedding. A soft piano ballad starts playing from nowhere, and he steps forward to the mic. He, what if I wrote his song and no one else's? No, that would be mean. He improvises the entire song.

Some facts about this song. It's a ballad. It's about how Glory Hole Guy had always wanted a daughter. For many long, dark nights in the Glory Hole, he wept, dreaming of the day his Glory Hole sentence, unclear what this means, would end, and he could go forth and sire a Santa of his own. He was so in love with Gal Santa's mom,

and yet the song goes something like this. I wish I'd had a daughter but i had to suck whatever came through the hole because of the things i did which i will say, but it's a long time I have to suck things, and I wish I had a daughter. Ahem. Ahem. At the end, everyone is

crying. We are really on Gloria Hall Santa's side. This will change later, when he is revealed to be a stone-cold killer in the plot of Santa University 3, but for now, oh hell yeah, we're rooting for him. I don't care if you are my daughter or not.

I want to be your father. There's enough room in the glory hole for us both. No! No! What? Exterior. The planet of lost Santas.

Later. Prepper Santa and Dan Santa lay in a pile of post-coital fuck bliss between carefully organized tools, canned goods, and whatever else Preppers do. I quite honestly do not fucking know. Generators, maybe? Dan Santa, that was the greatest sex of my life. Prepper Santa, I am in love as hell with you.

But it's... She sits up, knowing exactly what he's going to say. After all, she is an actor playing Prepper Santa in a movie. What are you going to say, Dan Santa? When I tell Gal Santa I'm in love as hell with her, it's because it's the line in the movie Santa University that I am the protagonist

of. But when I say it to you... Yes, Dan Santa? Oh, sorry. That was the end of the sentence. Oh. I think I got it. Hi, I'm Dan Santa.

Dan Santa, I don't think you look like shit. And I don't care that you can't read. I love you just as you are. That is freaking nuts. I'm so weird and hard to be around. But this can never be. I only have so many

cans. And my sisters, or my wives or whatever. It's kind of hard to tell. It's for marketing. But they'd never accept our love. We've been living here for so long after escaping Santa University and I just can't go back. Could you give this message to Gal Santa?

She gives Dan Santa an envelope labeled, Sensitive Jingle Information Within. He squints at it. Oh, okay, but I won't be able to read it. Well, you shouldn't anyway, right? It's not your mail. What?

You shouldn't read other people's mail. Oh. Wait, what? Prepper Santa gives Dan Santa one last deep kiss and licks his helmet for good measure. Don't let them get you down, Dan Santa. I just know you're going to make it to the end of the movie, Santa University. I will always remember you, Prepper Santa. Unless too many other things happen.

Because, you know, my head is really small. Interior, jingle cafeteria, moments later, really rushing to the finish here. Studio note, everyone's teeth are different sizes now. It's really confusing. When was this scene shot? As the three Gal Santa dads

stand, Dan Santa runs into the jingle cafeteria with the envelope. Stop the wedding! He brings the envelope over to Gal. Gal, I have no time to explain because Channel University is recording in one minute. But this message is from a person I just absolutely raw dogs on another planet.

Even though I love you so friggin' much canonically. And you need to read what it says. Kay, she opens the envelope. Dear Gal Santa, this is your mother, Prepper Santa. I'm thrilled to announce that after escaping Santa University after Dean Santa thought he'd finished me off,

I joined a coven on another planet and am doing very well. Please don't worry who your real father is. They are all chode losers with boring interests and you're better off on focusing on what really matters. Winning the year at Santa University. Love, Mom. P.S. I had sex with your boyfriend. He is not good at it. Everyone is on the edge of their seats. Goth Santa falls off the edge of his. Everyone wants to know what this letter says. Hey, what did it say, Gal Santa?

Gal Santa looks to camera. It's her villain origin story. Bet you wouldn't have guessed that. Oh, nothing, Dan Santa. Nothing at all. Everyone's disappointed. Oh. I guess it's just another year at...

Santa! Santa! Santa! Oh. I guess it's just another year at... Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa University. Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa University. Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa University. Oh, wait, this sounds bad on Zoom. No, it sounds good. Wait, can we get the accordion going? Slanta.

Santa you never see. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas. I'm Jess Casavetto, executive producer of the hit Netflix documentary series, Dancing for the Devil, the 7M TikTok cult. And I'm Clea Gray, former member of 7M Films and Shekinah Church. And we're the host of the new podcast, Forgive Me for I Have Followed. Together, we'll be diving even deeper into the unbelievable stories behind 7M Films and Shekinah Church.

Listen to Forgive Me for I Have Followed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Keri Champion, and this is season four of Naked Sports. Up first, I explore the making of a rivalry. Kaitlyn Clark versus Angel Reese. Every great player needs a foil. I know I'll go down in history. People are talking about women's basketball just because of one single game.

Clark and Reese have changed the way we consume women's sports. Listen to the making of a rivalry, Caitlin Clark versus Angel Reese on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Hey, I'm Gianna Pradenti. And I'm Jermaine Jackson-Gadsden. We're the hosts of Let's Talk Offline from LinkedIn News and iHeart Podcasts. Women's sports. If you start thinking about negotiations as just a conversation, then I think it sort of eases us a little bit. Listen to Let's Talk Offline on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.