The Daily Zeitgeist - Santa University Part 7

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

It's that time again... Santa University is back for a SEVENTH installment!  Written and narrated by Jamie Loftus.  Performed by: Caitlin DuranteJack O'BrienMiles GrayDanl GoodmanAnna HossniehJoelle MoniqueSophie LichtermanRobert EvansShereen YounesIan JohnsonMargaret KilljoyPropSarah Marshall Justin Smith Victor Wright Catherine Law  ENJOY!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, I'm Gianna Pradenti. And I'm Jermaine Jackson-Gadsden. We're the hosts of Let's Talk Offline from LinkedIn News and iHeart Podcasts. There's a lot to figure out when you're just starting your career. That's where we come in. Think of us as your work besties

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I'm Jess Costavetto, executive producer of the hit Netflix documentary series, Dancing for the Devil, the 7M TikTok cult. And I'm Clea Gray, former member of 7M Films and Shekinah Church. And we're the host of the new podcast, Forgive Me For I Have Followed. Together, we'll be diving even deeper into the unbelievable stories behind 7M Films and Shekinah Church. Listen to Forgive Me For I Have Followed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Keri Champion, and this is season four of Naked Sports. Up first, I explore the making of a rivalry. Kaitlyn Clark versus Angel Reese. People are talking about women's basketball just because of one single game. Clark and Reese have changed the way we consume women's basketball. And on this new season, we'll cover all things sports and culture.

Listen to Naked Sports on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio apps, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Black Effect Podcast Network is sponsored by Diet Coke. Happy holidays, everyone. We're back. We're back with the tradition that won't quit or it would be on me to do it and I'm scared to. And so I won't quit. It'll keep going forever. Welcome to Santa University 7. My name is Jamie Loftus. This is the seventh time we've done this.

It made me physically sick. I kept being like, that can't be true. It's true. It's true. It's true. We started in 2017, and here we are. So welcome to the Santa University expanded family. We've got a doozy this year. I was thinking, you know, these scripts get you. Santa University, if this is your first time listening, is my 750-page script about a university full of Santas where 40,000 enroll every year and only one makes it to the end of the year.

The protagonist is a guy named Dan Santa. You'll learn more about him in a little bit. It's a musical. It's a slasher. And this year, it's a commentary. Some years at Santa University, it's, hmm, I'm not thinking at all. I've got no brain cells in my head. This year, we're getting thoughtful. And I think that you're going to walk away from this feeling, not just baffled, but changed. So let's get started. My name is Jamie. I will be reading

the human written action lines in this year's script. How should we do this? Let's go. Caitlin, Caitlin, kick us off. Hello hello hi i'm caitlin and i will be reading the part of kevin i believe well i i won't spoil anything kevin will just say that as well as reprising my role as sully uh miles hi i'm miles and i'm playing Dan Santa. Wow, the man himself. Magpie. Hi, I'm Magpie. I'll be reading too many DVDs, Santa, as well as all of the AI action lines that were not written by a human. Because I'm also not a human.

So it makes sense. Wow. Angel. Catherine. I have some big shoes to fill this year. I am reading Dean Santa. Huge debut year. Danil.

Hi, I am Danil, and I am reading Mole Santa. Another new character we're very excited. Shireen. I'm Shireen, and I'm going to be reprising my role as Intellect Santa. A classic character. Joel. Hi, I'm Joel Monique. You'll find me playing AI Dan Santa, Cool Santa, and Jill Santa.

As we'll talk about, I made a huge mistake. Your turn. I'm Sophie and I'll be playing AI Jamie a role I was born to play and Samantha Jones a second role you were born to play honey

Anna Hosnier hi I'm Anna Hosnier and i'm reprising my role of gal santa uh sarah i'm sarah and i will be playing the role of a mage scary uh prep prop what up prop i'll be playing head ass santa looking ass a requested character that i don't know if i executed very well bring to life victor hi my name is victor i'll be reading script notes yes the most manic part of the script. Justin. I am Justin. I will be playing Arms, where his eyes should be Santa, Mike Santa,

and the cloaked figure. Pretty self-explanatory. None of these roles will be uncomfortable for me in any way, shape, or form. I really do feel like I've done this to people. Okay. Several times. Santa University 4,

if I remember correctly Robert Evans I'm going to be Second Amendment Santa and primarily the character of Jamie Loftus which I did

bring on myself and Ian what it do baby I will be God Santa or whatever and finally Jacques O'Brien I will be God, Santa or whatever.

And finally, Jacques O'Brien. Hi, I'm Jacques O'Brien. I will be playing the Zazz, David Zazzloff. It's true. That's right. Shockingly large part this year. All right. Buckle in. I really don't know this year.

We'll see. We'll see. I really don't know this year. We'll see. We'll see. And I did finish it technically on time. All right. Let's get started. There's some business at the top. There's some script notes to start with. 7 and 5 69 of the ingenious screenplay Santa university in which 40,000 Santas are admitted every year. And only one graduate are a series of thumb drives marked sensitive jingle information within on them are a series of surveillance footage conversations between Jamie Loftus and widely hated Warner Brothers executive David Zaslav from June of 2023. Wasn't that during the writer's strike? It was that vindictive little bitch. Interior, Jamie Loftus's writing study, night. Jamie Loftus' writing study, Night.

The whole feel of this scene is eerie. Something isn't quite right, which feels especially obvious in a work as perfect as Santa University. Jamie doesn't quite sound like Jamie. Dan Santa doesn't quite sound like Dan Santa. Even the gorgeous voice that reads the action lines sounds better? And then a third script note. Just kidding. It just felt weird to only have two. Enjoy the show, everybody. The room is filled with the soft glow of a desk lamp, and the walls are adorned with inspiration boards featuring festive images.

Jamie Loftus, the creative mind behind Santa University, sits at her desk, staring at a blank screen. Frustration etches her face as she battles with the writer's block. Come on, Dan. I need something magical here. As Jamie mutters to herself, the air in the room shimmers, and to her surprise, Dan Santa materializes in front of her. Did someone call for a bit of holiday magic? Dan, what are you doing here? Well, it seems my creator is in need of some inspiration. What's going on, Jamie? Jamie gestures to her computer screen where a cursor blinks on an empty document. Writer's block, that's what. I can't seem to figure out the next chapter. It's like the holiday magic has left me. Dan Santa chuckles and takes a seat across from Jamie.

You know, writing about the magic of Santa University is a bit like spreading holiday cheer. Sometimes you just need to tap into the spirit. Easier said than done, Dan. Think about what makes Santa University special. Is it the characters? The camaraderie? The challenges they face? Find the heart of the story and the words will flow. Jamie nods, deep in thought. You're right.

It's about the characters, their connection, and the joy they bring to the world. Thanks, Dan. Anytime, Jamie. Now let's bring the North Pole to life on these pages. Inspired, Jamie starts typing, and as she does, the room fills with a subtle jingling of bells And the distant sound of laughter The words flow effortlessly onto the screen

As Dan Santa watches with a twinkle in his eye There you go The magic was inside you all along Thanks, Dan I couldn't do it without you As the scene unfolds in Jamie's writing study, the collaboration between creator and character weaves the holiday magic back into the tale of Santa University.

Hard cut two. Interior, David Zaslav's office, June 2023. Made you look, bitch, the real Jamie Loftus in her 20s, let's say, or at least looks like it, I hope. They're going to make me move out of Los Angeles soon, I know it. Sits at the desk of noted Hollywood villain David Zaslav, who spent most of the year lighting Finnish movies on fire for tax reasons, which is showbiz speak for getting pee-pee hard. He looks like shit, but tragicallyically can read and that's part of

the problem that's the punch-up script for santa university my life's work it sucks baby boys are talking he pulls a slingshot from underneath his desk which is made of lead everything in the office is made of lead that's what daveyy. He looks out the window to where writers are striking outside and puts an egg in the slingshot. It hits David Lynch. I'll get you,

you son of a bitch. A really strong David Lynch has entered the chat. I'll see you in court, you Midwestern fuck. Oh my God. Wow. Page 567 of the screenplay of Santa University

and the amazing screenplay has already passed the elusive Deckdell test, which requires that two men named David threaten each other with violence. Jamie looks across the desk at the punch-up writer, Amaj, a mannequin that looks just like her but has a computer where its stomach should be.

The mannequin also has huge boobs, which doesn't seem fair. show business baby i hope you appreciated my efforts when amaj says jamie it's fucked even though i didn't write her saying jamie something's not quite right about it the actor should try saying jamie again in that fucked up way. Jamie. No, try it again. Jamie. Please just fucking try. Jamie. Okay.

I don't understand. You cost $3 billion to make and you don't seem to understand the concept of looking like shit and not being able to. I understand perfectly, Jamie Loftus, young millennial trying to pass his Gen Z cusp and it's not working.

But I have been hired by David Zaslav. The way Amos says David Zaslav is like how a 2000s computer game says your name all stilted and weird. To make your script more marketable to general audience. I am the only reason people get new episodes of Young Sheldon. David Sosloff sits back at his desk, putting the eggs he throws at writers back in their carton. That Amy Sherman Palladino

sure can run. Jamie, I'm giving you an opportunity here. We'll make Santa University and all we need from you is to let a scary computer rewrite it and also cross a picket line. And also, we'll probably throw it away once it's done for tax purposes. But you got to play ball.

You got to work with Emoj. Emoj looks at Jamie, scanning her face to use in background scenes for hacks. She auditioned for hacks, and now she's staring down the barrel of David Zaslav's sexy robot. Oh, that's probably why Emoj has big boobs. This is why I have big boobs. I'll try letting the computer write Santa at university for just one scene. And if it works, I'll accept her as my master. Great.

Could you bring her home with you, actually? I have an appointment with another sex robot in an hour, and last time I left Emoj in the room, she scanned my humping style, and now it's the house-humping style and young Sheldon. Emoj stands up and shakily walks over to

Jamie. They head for the door, where they open, where they opens the to see the minions. They are much bigger in person. Kevin, the tallest minion and therefore in charge, gives Jamie a sexy little look. Bello, chica. Wow, I'm such a huge fan.

I'm going to be sick. Smiley face emoji. No one ever talks about how the Minions canonically worked for Napoleon. It's in the first five minutes of Minions from 2015. A lot of criticism for that new Napoleon movie, but not a peep about how the Minions' involvement in French colonialism was completely erased.

We used to be a proper country. Just kidding, we didn't. David Zaslav slingshots another egg out the window. Take that bomb back! Interior. Jamie's dirty apartment. Day. All is misery at the apartment. It smells like litter, but there are no cats around.

Does Jamie use the litter? Not enough lamp. Piece of bread on the floor? Imaj and Jamie sit at the table, not realizing there has been a gas leak at the apartment for weeks. Jamie looks at her laptop. So in this scene, Dan Santa falls into a hole, and none of the other Santas help him, but it's not just any hole, it's a city hole, and therefore it's more complicated.

Which other Santas are there? Jamie consults her notebook, which is mostly covered in still-wet ragu sauce. The whole gang, Goth Santa, Gal Santa, Arms Where His Eyes Should Be Santa, Sully, Headass Santa. I am not familiar with the character of Headass Santa. Of course not. He only appears between pages 567 and 569

of the movie Santa University. Not wanting to waste another moment considering how machines will replace her, Jamie frantically begins typing page 567. Script note. The actor playing Jamie mustantically begins typing page 567. Script note, the actor playing Jamie must be hitting the keyboard really hard with their full palm, just slapping it. Exterior, Santa University outskirts near the city hall, day. Dan Santa walks a lonely road just outside Santa University, the only road that he has ever known. There is a gigantic

deep hole in the middle of the road that he's walking straight toward, but his descent into looking like shit and not being able to read is so advanced that he can no longer perceive City Hole. I'm such a freaking loser. Yeah. He looks at the photo in his locket. It's a picture of Natalie Portman in Black Swan.

Who can say why? It seems to mean something to him, the fucko. He takes one step forward and falls in the hole. We hear him echo as he descends. No! Page 567 of the Moody Santa University in the States is still sky high! Interior of the city hall, continuous. Dan Santa lands in the hall far below.

It's filthy and dangerous, surrounded by stalactites, jars of pee, and sad graffiti reading, Pork Santa was here, dying in the hall, 12-3-20-10. I wonder what that says. It's probably something nice. He looks up to the hole, but no one is there. He looks both ways. Is it safe to sing a song? Smash cut to interior Santa University cafeteria continuous. No one notices Dan Santa isn't at lunch,

in spite of his being the protagonist of Santa University. The whole gang, Goth Santa, Gal Santa,anta and intellect santa chow down on jingle stew the stew sure is thick intellect santa can barely talk through the almost solid stew thick with the joy of holiday season but gal santa looks into the distance this happens often in santa university as the writer is not good at women characters and will sometimes just forget that they're even there. Sometimes she'll just launch them out of the scene without warning. But this time, Gal Santa is pensive for a reason. What's wrong, Gal? You've barely touched your thick, joyful stew. I've got this weird feeling that Dan Santa is about to sing a song.

Not again. How many times do we have to tell that weak son of garbage we don't want to hear him sing? Without warning, Intellect Santa is suddenly launched out of the scene through the glass ceiling of Santa University cafeteria. Script note, the irony of this is not intentional, and if anyone writes a listicle about it, I will start to poison my boyfriend's food. So she bursts through

the ceiling and out into the ether, into the great nowhere. No one in the scene reacts. Where is he, Gal Santa? Use your feminine sonar or whatever. Gal Santa closes her eyes and focuses, using her feminine sonar to locate a man she personally murders at the end of the movie. She nods.

The city hall. Intellect Santa walks back into the scene, a little disoriented. She's with Sully, a fan favorite character who once fired Dan Santa from lids. Hey, I'm back. Wizard! Interior, the city hall, continuous Dan Santa starts to sing the 10th God-awful, exhausting ballad of Santa University

Script note, song must be commissioned from Sting If you cut corners and hire Phil Collins I will be able to tell I'm a virgin who sucks and it's not surprising that the stakes in Santa you are still freaking rising. I'm so sad that I couldn't detect the hole. I couldn't detect the hole. Now I'm stuck in this hole like a Santa mole.

Unreal. Incredible. As if summoned by plot magic, Mole Santa emerges from the shadows. He does not look like a mole unless, and I didn't finish that thought. Anyways, he joins in on the song without introducing himself to Dan Santa. Who can blame him? Dan Santa

is a piece of shit. My name is Mole Santa and I survive on Fanta. I only move through this hole to escape Dan Santa. He looks like shit and he troubles my soul. And I'm pissed that he's fallen in the city hole. A third Santa peeks out from a stalactite.

A third Santa has hit the Santa University city hall. Is that anything? We start recording in 26 minutes. It's Headass Santa. I'm Headass Santa looking ass. Exterior. Santa University outskirts near the city hall day. Gal Santa leads

the way with goth Intellect and Sully using her feminine sonar. Intellect and Sully are vibing. Sometimes the only way to remember to use woman character is to give her loud boyfriend you are so fucking beautiful intellect santa thank you oh no damn she's catapulted out of the scene anyway tough break are we close gal santa i'll be honest, without Dan Santa around, I tend to get lost in the mix. I'm his roommate, remember? I love Tim Burton movie. Gal stops, sniffs the air, nods. We're close. Sure enough, the faint bars of Dan Santa's pathetic song can be heard coming from the near distance, from the city hall.

can be heard coming from the near distance from the city hall. Oh shit, oh fuck. You know we're not going to be able to resist joining the song. Let's turn around at the rotary before we join in. Let's get a drink from the bubbler. I've spent my entire life, which we know nothing about, because the writer of Santa University didn't care, resisting the urge to break into song. We have to keep going. They soldier forth as the music gets louder.

It's getting harder to resist. Goth Santa throws up. Goth Santa never want to have my kid is it because I was fired from live when the emotion becomes too strong for speech

oh you they're at the hole and Gal can't resist she joins in this song her veins straining against the desire cool santa is my boyfriend dean santa is my dad actually that's not even true as discussed in santa you six though that plot point won't come back intellect santa wanders out from the bushes pissed off. Hey, I'm back. What's up? The city hall, continuous.

Headass Santa is in the middle of telling Dan Santa the story of his life when Gal Santa's gorgeous, generation-defining voice pulls his attention away. Hey, look, so I told my headass father, if he really loved me, he looking ass. Stop, I don't care. Gal? Gal, is that you? Mole Santa puts his arm around a sad

head ass Santa. I told you, man. Dan Santa's a piece of shit. Exterior, Santa University outskirts near the city hall. Day. Gal Santa collapses to the ground, theatrically miserable. Gal Santa, we're gonna like rescue you from this horrible musical number you know i'm gonna go get some thick stew that that

usually always helps and i'll get duncan and family guy intellect's body starts to shift involuntarily she starts humming the theme from santa university to herself oh no it's happening when emotion gets too strong for song you dance it's all of them now they're all humming santa university and moving their hips from side to side god santa has a huge butt which is only coming up for the first time now intellect santa is the one to break it begins to sing every fucking year every fucking year they forget to write me something that is even vaguely inter-requited and i a shot is heard breaking the torturous song the gang whips around a gal nearly falls into the hole no one is injured this year no one gets injured. Except David Zaslav. Later. He's fine, though.

I can't get sued. Interior, the city hall. Continuous. Dan Santa screams in horror at the sound of the shot. First I fall in the city hall. Then the woman I'm in love as hell with is possibly injured near the city hall. The dramatic stakes of Santa University, of which i am the protagonist are relentless mole santa raises his eyebrows judging wow you really don't care about your other friends do you

near the city hall continuous the source of the scary noise reveals themselves it's second amendment santa holding a pile of guns for no reason at all that That's his whole thing. Stop your dancing, motherfuckers! That's my fucking guy, Mr. Senseless Violence himself! Second Amendment Santa. Is he dead at this point in the story? If so, it's his ghost. Is flanked by fan favorites that sell millions of Funko Pops

every holiday season. Arms Where His Eyes Should Be Santa and Too Many DVDs Santa. Gal, Intellect, Goth, and Sully cheer. They're saved! Goth Santa gets up a little too fast and throws up more of the jingle stew. Wow, that

vomit sounds really thick. Mind if I, uh, give it a touch? Excellent read. Uh, he wiggles one of his hands. He wiggles one of his hands attached to his arms that are where his eyes should be suggestively. God Santa doesn't know how to say no to people and winces. Sure thing, I guess. For the rest of the scene, arms where his eyes should be, Santa is just sort of touching the vomit, tuning in and out.

Intellect Santa shakes Second Amendment Santa's hand. Thanks so much, Second Amendment Santa. I- She's launched out of the scene again. This sucks. Too many DVDs, Santa, fumbling with a pile of loose copies of Whiplash. We saw you walking towards the city hall and got concerned. Second Amendment Santa always keeps a close eye on all the Santas at Santa University. He says this for our safety, but I think it's because he fears something

connecting the others. Second Amendment Santa shoots too many DVD Santa in the dick, unfortunately. Ow! Ow! That's not true, you conniving little asshole! I bet you don't even have a rare copy of The Abyss. How can you even say that?

Besides, I just made a new friend at Santa University. He's a pretty cool guy. He looks normal and knows how to read. He's too good for me. Come on, guys. Dan Santa ain't getting out of that hole My name isn't Sully Charleston The yells will get him later

It's too dangerous, we might start singing again Come on Too Many DVDs Santa, stop being a baby Too Many DVDs Santa staggers to his feet as Arms Where His Eyes Should Be Santa finishes off the stew vomit. Goss Santa is uncomfortable, but relieved it's over. Thank you so much, man. I really needed a moment of connection with someone. He throws up, and Arms Where His Eyes Should Be Santa claps his high hands. Oh, goody, more.

As the Santa group heads into the distance and away from Dan Santa, we hear another muffled shot. Second Amendment Santa has also shot himself in the dick. That freaking rascal. That's me! Dan Santa can be heard crying from the hole as two characters we won't be hearing from this year pass.

Dean Santa, the gnarly old fuck himself, the headmaster of Santa University, and Gal's Santa's father, not that he cares, and Cool Santa, the coolest Santa in school, and Gal's boyfriend for now, that is. Looks like there's a few Santas in that hole, Dean Santa. Dean Santa shrugs. He'll deal with it in 2024.

Eh, whatever. Yeah. They walk away, never to appear again this year. Unless... Just kidding. Interior of the city hall, continuous. Dan Santa sits in the fetal position in the city hall, miserable. Mole Santa

and Headass Santa take pity on his ass. Dan Santa, that was really messed up. Yeah, and confusing plot-wise. Why did your friends walk all the way over here if they ain't want to talk to you? That's just how the world works sometimes. It feels like there's some depressed woman sweating at her house making shit up. Wait a second. Speaking of which, I never got to sing my verse of the song.

I'm Dan Santa. Jamie, Jamie. The scene starts to dissolve around Santa's Dan, mole, and headass. Very masculine scene, and therefore awesome. Amos' voice pulls Jamie out of the zone, and we fade back to Jamie's filthy, dirty little apartment continuous. The strain of writing yet another genius scene from Santa University has covered Jamie in flop sweat, as well as the increasingly urgent gas leak. She looks up to a passive

looking Imaj, soaked. Script note, in spite of being dirty, this set should cost a lot of money. I don't need your help, Imaj. I will never respect you or David Zaslav, no matter how many eggs he throws at David Simon. Jamie, I have prepared a holiday wrap for Headass Santa. Jamie is torn. Does she want to hear Imaj's hilarious little holiday wrap? Of course she does.

AI jokes are so easy to make, and that's why making them is probably playing into the hands of the oppressor. But I'm tired today. She sweats more. No thanks. I already have one written, and it's good. My raps are very famous. My bars are known throughout the area.

She looks both ways before starting to perform. Tepidly. Oh, uh, do I read rap? Okay, well, I'm supposed to do this like Will Smith. I'm not really sure how to do that. So I'm just gonna, okay. Ha ha, my name's had a Santa and I'm here to say

my head is in my ass like every day. Nailed it. Ivaj opens her mouth and an ominous siren sounds. Jamie panics, taking a shocked inhale of the gas that's still leaking in her kitchen. She falls to her knees. Okay, I lied. My bars aren't known. Imaj shakes her robot head, trying to look smug, but the technology isn't there yet.

Allow me. No! No! No! The kitchen begins to dissolve around them as Image's sick career-making scene for Headass Santa takes over Interior Santa University Dorm Common Area night. Script note, it's another freaky AI passage and the narrator sounds better than normal.

The common area is adorned with dim fairy lights casting a mystical glow on the eclectic mix of holiday decorations. Goth Santa, with dark attire and mysterious aura, lounges on a plush sofa. Headass Santa, wearing a comically oversized Santa hat, bursts into the room with boundless energy. Yo, golf was good!

Not much, just like embracing the darkness, you know? Ha ha, embracing the darkness, huh? I'm embracing the festive chaos! Check out this hat. It's like a whole winter wonderland in my head. Together, in their unique styles, Goth Santa and Headass Santa embark on a festive adventure, proving that even the most contrasting Santas can find common ground in the magic of Santa University. Headass Santa begins to sing his signature song,

Holiday Magic Flow. Y'all check it. Y'all, y'all, y'all, gather round. It's the time of year. Santa University, spread joy and cheer cheer I'm from the North Pole Where the snow's pure and bright We're training Santas Day and night Elves in the workshop Crafting toys of glee Reindeers in stable

Ready for the spree Jolly Jim in the mix Bringing up laughter, fun, and tricks Gal, Santia, warrior spirit Second note That didn't rhyme That's okay It's still my time. Here's the chorus.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, right on the holiday magic flow. Spreading joy everywhere we go. Santa University, where we learn, where we grow. Ho, ho, ho, it's festive, come on, go. From the rooftop and the sleigh bells ring. Santa University, the true Santa King, hey! Jamie's voice cuts through the song, which unfortunately only gets better from there. What is happening?

Stop the wedding! Interior, Jamie's disgusting apartment. A bit of a city hole as well, if you know what I mean. And do you? Day. Jamie is miserable, covered in sweat, but this time from dancing. Holiday magic Flow didn't have to go that hard. Did you like the song? A beat. A long beat. Jamie tries to think of

something negative to say about Holiday Magic Flow when she loved it. It's really good that the WGA1 AI provisions because the world could not handle Holiday magic flow. Also, labor rights. We start recording in 16 minutes. It was fine. I mean, it would be pretty humiliating for a professional rapper and poet to have to perform it, but... It appears that you liked it. Also, who's Jolly Jim? Oh, he's a character I added to Santa University.

Dan Santa wasn't testing well with audiences. People much prefer handsome, literate Santas. You bitch! She tries to take a swim at Image and misses. The gas leak is getting pretty bad. Has there been a gas leak in Santa University

before? I feel like there has. You can't add characters to Santa University. Only I can, after three Mike's Hard Lemonades. Of course I can add characters to Santa University. It's the whole reason I was created, to add IP from the Warner Brothers portfolio. Jamie's eyes widen. They say it in unison. Corporate synergy. Imaj grabs Jamie's pointy head and clasps her hand on either side of her face

in a vice grip. Bitch, I could squish you like a grape. Bitch, I could gut you like an eel. An eel? I can do anything. Watch this. Emosh, the room begins to swirl. Jamie is transported into an AI-generated scene against her will!

Interior Santa University Common Area Day. Script note, AI narration again. Also, this scene was Sophie Lichterman's request. It's just true. Samantha Jones, known for her bold

and confident demeanor from Sex and the City, steps onto the festive grounds of Santa University. Samantha struts through the Common Area, turning heads

with her unmistakable style. She spots Dan Santa, the main character of Santa University, checking his list twice. Well, well, what do we have here? Santa University, honey, I bet I can teach these Santas a thing or two about spreading joy. She approaches Dan Santa with a sly grin. Oh, hello. Can I help you? Help me? Darling, I'm here to add a touch of spice to your holiday routine.

Dan Santa looks intrigued, but not entirely sure what to make of Samantha's bold entrance. We're all about spreading holiday joy and warmth here. How can you contribute? Oh, honey, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve let's shake things up a bit she takes dan santa by the arm and they walk together through the festive grounds of santa university we cut back to and just a quick note i think that if you pay for chat gbt they'll let them fuck but i'm not sure i don't know they they only imply okay interior jamie's dirty nasty little apartment night it's been hours and jamie's eyes flutter back into consciousness she didn't want to admit it but she loved it the samantha scene was so funny what the fuck she mumbles to herself as imaj comes into view sitting in the corner smugly

should have made city whole joke in the samantha bit oh don't go blue it makes you look insecure jamie is now fully alert and sees that she's chained to a piping hot radiator it's interesting she thought to herself in passing even though she herself is not in the screenplay for santa university which she is it still feels as if the stakes of her own life are rising, almost as if art reflects, Imaj kicks Jamie in the head. I'm kicking you in the head and delivering this line of dialogue. I am going back to David Zaslav's office and telling him you don't want a co-writer for santa university you want me to replace you never you're not fit to polish young sheldon's shoes imaj laughs maniacally leaning in close to janie that's right bitch i'm going to add john snow to s bitch. I'm going to add Jon Snow to Santa University.

I'm going to add Ken Dalroy to Santa University. I'm even going to add... She leans into Jamie's ear. It's erotic. The Gossip Girl reboot. No! All you have to do is tell me how the scene ends. How does Dan Santa get out of the city hole? Jamie resists the gas, realizing Imaj must have started the leak herself to trap

her. Close shave for the writer of Santa University who is worried they might have to go back and take the whole section out. Phew. Fine, don't tell me. I'll find a way to get him out of there, even if I have to. Script note, she makes a hilarious and prescient reference to Deadwood here. What is Deadwood about? Jail?

Prohibition? Who's the main guy? Emash slams the door after killing it and really landing the Deadwood joke. Jamie struggles to hang on. How did Dan Santa get out of the city hall? As she fades out of consciousness again, we're taken back to the city hall night.

Dan Santa sits alone as Headass Santa and Mole Santa sleep peacefully nearby. They honk Shu adorably, but Dan Santa is deep in his feelings. They just replaced me like I was nothing. Like I looked bad and had no skills. I'm such a fucking loser. What the freaking heck? Dan Santa hallucinates, and I'm so sorry. Jill and Mike Santa, his parents, who sent him to Santa University so that they could spend more time with some clowns they met on Tinder.

Mom? Dad? Why are you ghosts? Jill looks to Mike Santa, squinting and trying to remember who she's talking to. That's our son. Oh, right. I'm Dan Santa. When did you die? Well, son, it's I'm Dan Santa. When did you die?

Well, son, it's true what they say. What with fucking around and finding out. Especially with clowns from Tinder. How you doing, shitbag? What's with the hole? Oh, jeez. You guys must be so freaking disappointed. I lost my job at Lids.

Everyone at Santa University freaking hates me. We hate your ass too. Even the guys in the hole hate me. I'll be honest, Dan Santa. We didn't want to visit you. We were really hoping to go to Dennis Leary's show. And besides, when you're a ghost, you can neg someone so much they fly. They, oh my freaking gosh.

Dan Santa looks down. It's true. The pure hatred and indifference from his parents has him floating several feet off the ground. He makes a series of gleeful noises that are hard for the listener to endure. Keep going, mom and dad. Keep hating, dad. I'm your son. Let's's see i heard you got replaced at lids with a seven-year-old i ran into your high school algebra teacher the other day and when i

said you were doing well he said that's too bad i genuinely thought i wanted to be a parent until i saw your little mutant head poking out of me it's working. Dan Santa is getting nagged so hard that he begins to levitate up, up, up until he's completely out of the city hall. Mom, Dad, you nagged me out of the city hall. What's your name again? Jill and Mike Santa stop listening. Their ghosts are making out in the hall.

I have no, I have no words more head ass Santa and mall Santa shake their fists and swear at Dan Santa thanks for fucking nothing Dan Santa yo no reading head ass dumb ass dumb looking ass pretty ass stupid ass head ass you piece of shit after and after I sang my song awesome Awesome song. Head ass. Stupid ass. Dan Santa is too looks like shit to care. He soars into the atmosphere chanting. I'm Dan Santa. I'm Dan Santa.

I'm Dan Santa. Bitch, we know. He levitates so high. He's out of Santa University. Off the page into Jamie Loftus's writing study. Oh no, the computer's taking over. A kitchen full of gas. Jamie can't believe her eyes as Dan Santa, the man she's been writing for six years, descended into her apartment like an ugly-ass angel. He smiles knowingly, his stinky boots touching the floor. I'm Dan Santa. You're real.

That's the magic of Christmas, isn't it? That special time of year when everywhere you look, there's some guy who... I'm familiar with your reputation. Are they... are they gonna kiss? Dan Santa's been getting a lot of action the last few years. Nope. Dan Santa chickens out at the last second, turns his head and starts to sing. The perfect Santa is kind and good.

No fucking way, Dan Santa. Aw, man, no one likes me songs. Unchain me from this radiator. We start recording Santa University in eight minutes and we still have to kill David Zaslav. Dan Santa dexterously unchains her and Jamie thinks for a fleeting moment, what would those hands feel like on, never mind, never mind, interior at David Zaslav's office, night. David Zaslav sits at his desk getting his shoulders massaged by Imaj looking at a freshly printed copy of Santa University. My time, the night time.

Really cool. Emosh strokes his hair, but she's got some ragu sauce on her hand from hanging out at Jamie's apartment for too long, so it's messy. She had to admit it, David. My script was simply better. When I showed her the character of Jolly Jim, she wept.

Thinking we could get Ryan Reynolds for Jolly Jim. She said, and I quote, Jolly Jim is way better as a protagonist than Dan Santa. Dan Santa looks like shit and... Dan Santa kicks down the door, or tries to. It takes a few tries. It only half works. Jamie ends up just opening it for him as Imaj and David Zaslav look on, kind of trying not to laugh at him. Jamie peeks her head in.

Uh, he uh, he was just gonna say can't even read. I'm Dan Santa. Hi-ya! Jamie still has the shackles around her wrist and hurls it out. This was written very fast. Taking Imaj down to the floor.

Her head shatters instantly. The battle takes over four hours. So I guess the security guy in front fell asleep. He just let Jamie and Dan Santa in. A series of high octane shots. David Zaslav uses Batgirl DVDs as throwing stars. What else are they good for? Dan Santa tries to do a flip, but lands on his head.

Jamie spots a plot-convenient vault on the other side of the office. Oh, didn't mention that before? Well, it was there. Dan Santa and David Zaslav get into a slap fight. Dan Santa slaps David Zaslav closer and closer to the open vault. You fool,

I'm a slapping machine. Oh, crap, my hands are getting tired. Across the room, Jamie slingshots an egg at David Zaslav's head, launching him into the vault. Dan Santa slams it shut. Thank God, I'm really running out of time. Jamie and Dan Santa embrace. He'll be okay,

for legal purposes. Thank you so much, strange woman I've never met. Oh yeah, I guess you don't know who I am. And maybe that's for the best. You belong at Santa University. And I belong at my dirty apartment that keeps leaking gas. Dan Santa does a hat tipping motion, but isn't wearing a hat. He can't pull it off

I guess it's just another year at the whole cast pops their little heads into the windows doors and air vents as if by stove induced magic Santa Santa Santa

Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa

Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa

Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa

Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa

Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa The whole cast sings the classic song, fading into the ether of Jamie's stove gas addled mind until 12 hours before Santa University starts next year. She looks around at David Zaslav's office.

What a really cool day for me. Freeze frame. The end. Except the camera pulls into where Image has crumpled to the ground. There's a flicker of life remaining in Image's eyes. Post-credits scene. Interior

Sanford University Common Area night. Script note, AI section. The campus is quiet, bathed in the soft glow of twinkling lights and surrounded by the magical hush of a winter's night. The credits have rolled, but there's one more scene left to unfold. In the common area, a cozy fire crackles in the hearth. The camera zooms in on a table adorned with letters to Santa and empty milk glasses from the students' festive celebrations. Suddenly,

a gust of wind sweeps through the room, and the air shimmers with magical energy. The flicker of the fire intensifies, casting dancing shadows on the wall. Out of the shadows emerges a mysterious figure, a cloaked silhouette with a twinkle in their eye. Well, well, well. their eye. Well, well, well. Sansa University certainly knows how to keep the holiday spirits alive. The figure steps forward, revealing a mischievous smile. It's none other than Krampus,

the legendary Christmas demon known for punishing naughty children. But perhaps there's a room for a little mischief from the darker side of the holiday spectrum. As Krampus disappears into the shadows, a mischievous jingle echoes through the room, leaving a hint of uncertainty and excitement for what might come next in the world of Santa University. Fade out. The post-credits scene leaves the audience with a touch of mystery, fade out. The post-credits scene leaves the audience with a touch of mystery, teasing the potential for new adventures and challenges in the magical world of Santa

University. The end! Yay! Happy holidays, everybody. Happy holidays, everybody. Happy holidays. Thank you so much. Thank you, Jamie. Joelle and Justin, I. Happy holidays. Thank you so much. Thank you, Jamie.

Joelle and Justin, I'm so sorry. It will not happen again. It was funny, though. He was mostly just yelling at Miles. That's pretty funny, though. He just roasted him. That was actually my idea for Headass Santa, where he just comes in and just roasts people. That's his whole role.

Oh, he'll be back. Yeah. Oh, thanks, guys. Thank you so much for seven. Seven perfect years. Yeah, Jamie. Consistency, girl. Happy to do it.

I got to take a shower so bad. I'm Jess Casavetto executive producer of the hit Netflix documentary series Dancing for the Devil the 7M TikTok cult and I'm Clea Gray former member of 7M Films and Shekinah Church and we're the host of the new podcast Forgive Me For I Have Followed

together we'll be diving even deeper into the unbelievable stories behind 7M Films and Shekinah Church. Listen to Forgive Me For I Have Followed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Gianna Pradenti. And I'm Jemay Jackson-Gadsden. We're the hosts of Let's Talk Offline from LinkedIn News and iHeart Podcasts.

There's a lot to figure out when you're just starting your career. That's where we come in. Think of us as your work besties you can turn to for advice. And if we don't know the answer, we bring in people who do, like negotiation expert Maury Tahiripour. If you start thinking about negotiations as just a conversation, then I think it sort of eases us a little bit. Listen to Let's Talk Offline on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Keri Champion, and this is season four of Naked Sports. Up first, I explore the making of a rivalry, Kaitlyn Clark versus Angel Reese. People are talking about women's basketball just because of one single game. Clark and Reese have changed the way we consume women's basketball. And on this new season, we'll cover all things sports and culture.

Listen to Naked Sports on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio apps, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Black Effect Podcast Network is sponsored by Diet Coke.