The Daily Zeitgeist - Santa University: Part 9

Episode Date: December 25, 2025

It's that time again... Santa University is back for an NINTH installment!  Written and narrated by Jamie Loftus. Performed by: Miles Gray Jack O'Brien Anna Hossnieh Sophie Lichterman Joelle Monique Caitlin Durante Prop Robert Evans Victor Wright Bei Wang Justin Connor Catherine Law Molly Conger Ian Johnson Bryan, The Editor Happy Holidays!  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast, guaranteed human. Whether it is getting swatted or just hateful messages online, there is a lot of harm and even just reading the comments. That's cybersecurity expert Camille Stewart Gloucester on the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. Every season is a chance to grow. And the Therapy for Black Girls podcast is here to walk with you. I'm Dr. Joy Harden-Brandford, and each week we dive into real conversations that help you move with more clarity and confidence.

This episode, we're breaking down what really happens to your information online and how to protect yourself with intention. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. What are the cycles fathers pass down that sons are left to heal? What if being a man wasn't about holding it all together, but learning how to let go? This is a space where men speak truth and find the power to heal and transform. I'm Mike Delarocha. Welcome to Sacred Lessons. Listen to Sacred Lessons on the IHartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Dr. Laurie Santos from the Happiness Lab here.

It's the season of giving, and this year my podcast, The Happiness Lab, is partnering with Give Directly, a nonprofit that provides people in extreme poverty with the cash they need as part of the Pods Fight Poverty campaign. Our goal this year is to raise $1 million, which will bring over 700 families out of extreme poverty. Your donation will put cash directly in the hands of these families in need, and they'll get to decide how to use it, whether that's school transportation, purchasing livestock, or starting a business. Plus, if you're a first-time donor, your gift will be matched by giving multiplier, which means more money for those in need. Visit givedirectly.org slash happiness lab to learn more and to donate. That's give directly.org slash happiness lab.

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Welcome to Santa University Nine. My name is Jamie Loftus. I actually did, if you're returning to Santa University for a ninth year, please seek professional help. If this is your first time joining us, best of luck. I think it's pretty intuitive and should make a lot of sense. Santa University is part of an unproduced project I've been working on since 2012, the 600-page script, and I kind of just yank out 15 pages a year or so. We take a look at what it is, and we've been doing it for nine years now.

So I've actually written about 200 pages of Santa University. Let's not talk about it. Let's get into the cast of Santa University Nine, the cursed pages. I'm Miles Gray, and I'll be playing Dan Santa. I'm Jack O'Brien. I'll be playing Dean Santa, Goth Santa, and Baby Santa. I'm Anna Hosni, and I will be playing Gal Santa. I'm Sophie Lickerman, and I'll be playing Intellect Santa. I'm Joelle, and I have the honor of playing Jamie and Professor Santa.

My name is Caitlin Durante, and I'm playing Solie. What's that? I'm Robert Evans, and in a rare case of casting against type, I will be playing Second Amendment Santa. Yo, Loki, what's up, squad? This is prop. I'll be playing head-ass Santa. This is Victor. I'll be playing The Toilet Goblin. I'm Bay, and I'll be playing pregnant Santa. I'm Justin. I'll be playing Cool Santa.

I'm Brian the editor, and I'm playing James Cameron. I'm Ian Johnson, reading as arms where his eyes should be Santa. I'm Catherine Law, and I'm playing trauma nurse. I'm Molly Conger, and I'm thrilled to be joining the cast of Santa University this year as Gloryhole Santa. An important part, a crucial role. Well, guys, let's get into it. Interior, the asylum. A massive sprawling stone asylum, like the one in Shudder Island.

Remember Shutter Island? The twist is that the DiCaprio character was a patient at the asylum. You've had 20 years to watch it. Remember when the old lady said, in the trailer for Shutter Island, please stop listening to this and go watch Shutter Island instead. Anyways, James Cameron, who did not direct Shutter Island and couldn't see Martin Scorsese with the Hubble fucking telescope,

stands before the asylum as it begins to rain in a mentally ill fashion. He holds a large binder containing what should be a copy of Santa University, but the production's printer broke the morning of the shoot, and so the script has been replaced with a stack of receipts covered in either dried blood or ragu sauce. James Cameron howls at the door. Pickleball! I knew this was good casting.

Okay. Trauma nurse answers at the massive stone door. Yes, James Cameron, the password to the asylum is pickleball. Now what are your wishes three? James Cameron nods, understanding that trauma nurses can grant three wishes, but can never bring someone back to life. I wish that Avatar, Fire, and Ash to be the third best Avatar movie. I think this is what he sounds like. I wish to get invited to Seth MacFarlane's Christmas party instead of all those 20-year-old women.

I hear that. And I wish to see your patient, the writer of Santa University. The trauma nurse pinches James Cameron's little butt. He laughs and gets a playful boner. Interior Asylum, the next day, James Cameron awakes in the trauma nurse's bed, still reeling from the sexual experience of the night before. Jamie will understand. The trauma nurse leads him out of her chambers and to where the patients are.

Oh, how bad is it? Will she be okay? It's not looking good, Mr. Cameron. Please, after last night, you can call me James. Jamie Loftus, the writer of Santa University, has proven herself to be so mentally ill that we had to live. reopen this asylum quote old school end quote you know what we mean she opens another large stone door and reveals jamie haggard and miserable over 30 now she shivers behind a set of little bars with the

little phone thing because i realized halfway through that i did not set this in jail i said it in an asylum i'll leave you two alone james cameron yelps as the door shuts wait could i have your email so we can James Cameron must not be as good at sex as he thought. I didn't think you were coming. I did a lot. And that's why I'm confused as to why she doesn't want my e-mate. I need you to get me out of here, James Cameron. I don't belong here.

What happened? Jamie frowns. Page 550 to 562 of Santa University. She starts to sing a soft ballad. Sort of like I dreamed a dream. The song is called Will I Ever Be Free? from Santa University Will I ever be free

from Santa University No I'm a die here Die Dead Everyone's cheering A gust of wind blows through the chambers As the magic of Santa University

pierces the world once more Santa University The 600 page unproduced musical About a university full of Santas Where 40,000 Santa's enrol each year but only one survives that has leaked out installment by installment for nearly a decade. Santa University, who one other person on Twitter thinks of the idea for every year. And then another person is like, oh, Jamie Loftus does something like that.

It's called Santa University. And the Twitter user inevitably replies, I don't know who that is. The receipts that are supposed to be the pages of the script to Santa University lift into the air. And we are thrown into Santa University Nine, the cursed pages. interior jingle class day it's page 550 of santa university the first of the twelve first pages of santa university i wonder if i will actually make it to twelve pages i only have 68 minutes to finish the script all right santa's let's jingle those bells it's another day in jingle class and all the characters we half remember from years past and inevitably one i'm going to forget and accidentally hurt someone's feelings there's dan santa gal santa cool santa intellect santa second Amendment Santa. Hell, there's even arms where his eyes should be Santa. Ah, jingle. My bell

won't ring. He clutches his Santa stomach delicately. And I don't feel so good. Arms where his eyes should be Santa uses the arm where most people's right eye would be to shoot him with a harpoon. Shut the hell up, Dan, Santa. You would have died 400 pages ago if you weren't the

protagonist of Santa University. Plus, you look like shit. All the other Santa's in the room, especially the teacher, really make a meal of bringing it home. And can't even read. Really good, guys. Dan Santa turds to where he thinks Goth Santa, his roommate at Santa University, who will survive until close to the end of the movie, not quite, is.

Ah, jingle, got Santa. I'd be shot. He frowns, where is Goth Santa? Where is God Santa? A few students think about shooting Dan Santa with another harpoon, but harpoons are expensive, so they ignore him instead. Intellect Santa jingles her bell effortlessly. If the writer at any sense,

she'd make a woman the protagonist of Santa University. Good one, intellect Santa. And that's the Bechdel test. Let's move on. Are we missing a student? Gal Santa's eyes widen. Wait, did the Bechdel test just get passed from a third character? My name is Professor Santa, by the way.

It took until page 551 of the screenplay to Santa University, but this might actually be it. Ah, yes, where's Sully? Wasah! Sully burst into the classroom and everyone cheers into like Sanda crumbles. You be me, me. So much for that. Sully, you've got to be the second coolest Santa at Santa University.

I don't even go here. I'm just a regular guy from Dorchester. Everyone starts hooting and hollering. He out here shooting a noon. Yeah. Shoot the noob, Sully. Go shoot the noob. Noticing that Sully has recently gotten a BBL.

Second Amendment Santa, who, oh yeah, is here as well, smiles and disbelief. It's like looking at the sun. It's overwhelming. Sully sits beside Dan Santa, where Gauthent usually sits. Have you seen Goth Santa, Sully? I haven't heard from him since page 386 of Santa University. Sully looks around, then leans into Dan Santa and speaks in a totally new. normal accent for one line only.

It's actually kind of British. I'm sorry, Dan, Santa. I'm afraid I don't. It's possible the writer just forgot about him. This never happens again. It's clear, though, that the BBL is recent. Sully is uncomfortable. This all, this doesn't feel right.

He clutches his stomach again. I feel strange. Galsanta straightens in her seat, feeling a song coming on. No, please, God, Dan Santa, don't sing. I have six. more harpoons. So help us, Dan Santa, if you start too late. Dan Santa's already singing a classic Disney I Want song,

but it's not about anything he wants. He just feels strange. I feel so strange. Nothing feels right. What is happening to my wound? The blood won't stop gushing. And I just don't feel right. anymore. The song is

grating and features a number of key changes, one of which is just out of Dan Santa's vocal range on the high end, the other just out of his range on the low end. It's fucking embarrassing. By the end of the song, 16 minutes later, everyone looks pale

and ill, and Dan Santa clutches his stomach again. Dan Santa, why don't you... He throws up. The song is so bad. Professor Santa Pat's cool Santa on the back, then tries a little bit of the vomit and frowns as if to say, that wasn't so bad. Dan Santa, hit the locker room, you shit heel.

See you, ugly. Dan Santa runs from the room mortified. It's only the fourth cursed page of Santa University and things have already become too confusing to write out in the next 40 minutes. Interior Santa bathroom, 15 minutes later, the other bathrooms were closed and Dan Santa was banned from using the other one due to something explained in pages 214 to 289 of Santa University. Dan Santa enters the bathroom, almost doubled over in pain. He stands before a stall that says, beware, toilet goblin within. What's up, Dan Santa? Please enter. That's what he thinks the sign says. Dan Santa closes the stall door behind him and sits on a Santa toilet, a normal dirty toilet with a little

hat on it. A familiar voice can be heard stage whispering from the stall next door. Shh. Yo, Loki, you just wait a few minutes, and he'll leave, you fear me? Oh, come on! I cannot get into another conversation with this fool over here, with this piece of shit. Have you seen him? I've never seen Dan, Santa. It's hard to see from the glory hole. Shh, Loki, come on. He's going to want to talk to us. In the glory hole, I mostly taste.

Is that you? Head-ass Santa? That's you? God damn it. Taste. Um, head-ass Santa tries to pitch his voice up to disguise who he actually is. Uh, who's head-ass Santa? This is, um, uh, low-key, too many DVDs, Santa. Look, I don't mean to bother you while you're in the bathroom, okay? It's all good. He's in the glory hole.

He can multitask. Are, are you guys feeling strange, too? I've been feeling sick all morning. bro seriously did you look in the mirror no no no that's too much look there have been people coming in and feeling sick all day

there's some low key like dead ass some mysterious plot illness going on Dan Santa sits on the toilet fully clothed mostly because he is a fool but also because the studio made me swear on my life I would never show Dan Santa without his clothes off is that why you

you're going to visit the toilet goblin who's the toilet Gallum. Didn't you read this? Oh, I see what happened here. Too late, the toilet goblin emerges from the toilet Dan Santa's sitting on. Pregnant!

Who are you? Pregnant! Keep up, Dan Santa. The toilet goblin just told you you pregnant. What? Dan Santa feels a pain in his stomach again. His eyes widen. Oh, my freaking gosh.

I'm Oh, if you weren't getting too attached to the toilet goblin, because that's the last time you'll see them. Interior, Gal Santa's dorm later. Intellect Santa and Gal Santa. Look at Dan Santa with disgust. Intellect pulls a thermometer from beneath his armpit. I had to come to tell you right away, gal. I'm Gregnini.

I'm sorry, Greg. Greg. That takes me back. Okay, sorry. What do I care? I've never touched you and have no plans to. Dan Santa does what he thinks is a flirtatious blink, but it looks like he's being attacked by parrots. How is this possible, intellect? No one in their right mind would ever get Dan Santa prangent. Intellect Santa pages through some notes. It would appear that sometime between pages 400 and 500 of Santa University being written,

America has sunken deeper and deeper into fascism and rolled back reproductive rights, which has led to an unusual amount of media fear around pregnancy and horny pregnancy content in general. Meaning that the writer of Santa University might just, no, it's too stupid. I'm afraid so. The writer to Sandy University might panic and write a 12-page sequence in which the protagonist that Santa University gets pregnant along with half of the school in mysterious and unexplainable circumstances.

She is an immaculate Santaception. He high-fives himself. Huh. Sounds boring. May I have a kiss? No. Oh. Okay.

Pregnant Santa, remember her from last year? I genuinely didn't, but I'm relieved she's here. Pregnant Santa enters pregnantly with a very flungent. Mustard Second Amendment Santa. Gail, Santa, we wanted to tell you first. We're pregnant.

Why is everyone telling me? You two had an Immaculate Santa Conception as well? What? Oh, no, we fucked. Not safe. It's honestly shocking we didn't get pregnant sooner. Sully passes with his BBL. Looking very uncomfortable.

He peers into the room. What's up, everyone? I got some news. Everyone looks at it is huge, but it's grown a lot. It's silly, are you pregnant? Go Bruins! Pregnant Santa,

Second Amendment Santa, Sully, Gal Santa, Cool Santa, and Intellect Santa, smile and congratulate each other. This is so exciting. Congratulations. This is great. Isn't this great? This is so exciting.

They all looked at Dan Santa in disgust. Don't you dare have that baby Dan Santa it will unleash hell upon the world. Oh. Aren't you nervous it? I lost the accent. He just went to Australian. Aren't you nervous?

No one's ever. No one's ever lived at Santa University long enough to have a Santa baby. Will our baby be a gun? Well, that's not really what I was saying. Too late. A song has already begun. It's a duet between pregnant Santa and Second Amendment Santa,

the third punishing ballad of the cursed pages. Sully has a verse in the middle about his fear of giving butt birth. Song, will my baby be a gun? Well, we got pregnant. There's joking here about safeties and condoms because I'm Second Amendment Santa. That's what I got. That's the intro to the song. And then, um, am I going to give birth out of my ass?

You know? My baby be a gun. And will the baby be a gun, yada, yada. Great job. Okay. Interior of the asylum. Interior of the asylum, James Cameron's mouth is covered in vomit as Jamie looks away in shame. More beautiful than ever.

And that should be mentioned. Is that it? I can't bear anymore. I'm afraid not, James. Please. No. Just to say those. They say the inevitable in unison.

A scene where multiple characters from Santa University give birth in unison. Yes. But there's another song first, and it's just awful. Interior, the Santa Ward, months later. There's only 10 minutes left to write Santa University. Dan Santa is in a hospital bed howling. However you think a person looks about to give birth, I've never seen it, and I didn't get sex at at school.

I sort of saw my friend give birth over FaceTime this year, but I had other tab. open that it was impossible to be sure what this would look like. Oh, my freaking God, I'm in labor. Shut the hell up, Dan Santa. Arms where his eyes should be Santa restrains Dan Santa while preparing for the birth, which is maybe the first logical use of as many arms I've come up with in nine years. Second Amendment Santa and pregnant Santa run into the room. Pregnant Santa's in labor too.

Pregant Santa sits on one of the beds, pretty relaxed. It's not a big deal for me. Being pregnant is all my character is written to do. Sully's back was up Sully in his fit to burst cheeks Enter the first word Followed Concerned gal and intellect

Doctor please Sully's baby is coming fast Go Celtics How dare you Jamie How dare you? Yeah hold up I hate crime Time out

That's not okay He's not okay You guys I don't care Suspend your disbelief for one second I'm pregnant and what the freaking hell. Sully falls to his hands and knees as his left butt cheek bursts open.

God Santa. We thought the writer had just forgotten you. It's true. Goth Santa has burst out of Sully's butt cheek and embraces his father from Boston. Sully is emotional. What's up? Son. Wow.

Goth Santa still covered in birth goo. Kisses Sully on the lips. and runs to Dan Santa's side. Dan Santa, you're pregnant? I'm immaculately Santa deception. God Santa thinks about it, then nods. I wasn't going to say anything, but that makes more sense. Ah!

He collapses in Sam Adams pain again, as intellect Santa rushes to his side. There's a second baby. What? Dean Santa, my father and the dean of Santa University. Gal Santa, my daughter, and the love interest of Santa University. Arms or as I should be Santa, shakes his head and joy, disbelief. She did it.

That son of a bitch, Jamie Loftus did it, writing in both Jack O'Brien characters with just minutes to go. Come here, gal. Absolutely not. It's coming. Second Amendment Santa rushes to pregnant Santa's side. It's going to be a gun. I know. it. Please just say it's a gun.

It's, it's. Dean Santa grabs got Santa's arm as he experiences labor pain. Whatever that looks like. Again, I had other tabs open. Dan Santa enters birth psychosis as he and pregnant Santa give birth in unison. There should be a song here, but there's no time.

If something speaks to you, feel free. Second Amendment Santa holds his baby in confusion. Was it a gun? No. It's a book. He shows pregnant Santa the book, which is the opposite of a gun if you're a gender essentialist. Dan Santa gives birth, and God Santa cuts the umbilical cord with his teeth. Oh, I can't look.

It looks like shit, huh? Does it look like shit? Everyone in the room is completely stunned, not even close. This is the most beautiful baby anyone has ever seen. Good God. she's beautiful the baby squirms out of god santa's arms and reaches for the book baby it couldn't be that sexy little baby she's gonna do it dan santa's baby goes to the book and starts to read and gibraltar as a girl where i was a flower of the mountain yes when i put the rose in my hair like the andalusian girls used or shall i wear a red yes and how we kissed me under the moorish wall and i thought well as well him as another and then i asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would i yes to say yes my mountain flower and first i put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me

so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart is going like mad and yes i said yes i will yes yes you'll be me I have to say I googled beautiful poetry and I did not realize how sexual that poem got

Dan Santa is in tears reaching for the baby God Santa brings it to him and Dan smiles the baby is born the baby will heal all alternatively the baby sees Dan Santa

and throws up interior with the asylum Jamie puts down the last of the cursed pages of Santa University, reflecting on how nine years in, the premises are still getting worse. At least last year, she was willing to put in the effort to rip off lost. What the fuck was this? She's too ashamed to meet James Cameron's eyes. That's it. That's why I'm here.

A long pause. No answer. She looks up to see that James Cameron has taken a cyanide pill. I guess it's just another year at Santer. San da Sanda, Sanda University. Sankey University. Was I? Baby's got a gun.

That's been to University nine, guys. Ladies and chill and make some noise. Amazing. We did it. All right. Brian, the editor here. And if you made it this far, we'd like to extend our sincerest apologies and we'll see if we can do better next year, although I wouldn't

count on it. Happy holidays and we'll be back tomorrow with a brand new special holiday episode and we'll see you in the new year. Bye. Greatness doesn't just show up. It's built. One shot, one choice, one moment at a time. From NBA champion, Stefan Curry comes shot ready. a powerful never-before-seen look at the mindset that changed the game. I fell in love with the grind. You have to find joy in the work you do when no one else is around. Success is not an accident.

I'm passing the ball to you. Let's go. Steph Curry redefined basketball. Now he's rewriting what it means to succeed. Shot ready isn't just a memoir. It's a playbook for anyone chasing their potential. Discover stories, strategies, and over 100 never-before-seen photos. order shot ready now at stephen curry book.com don't miss stephen curry's new york times bestseller shot ready available now whether it is getting swatted or just hateful messages online there is a lot of harm and even just reading the comments that's cybersecurity expert camille stewart gloucester on the therapy for black girls podcast every season is a chance to grow and the therapy for black girls podcast is here to walk with you

I'm Dr. Joy Harden-Brandford, and each week we dive into real conversations that help you move with more clarity and confidence. This episode, we're breaking down what really happens to your information online and how to protect yourself with intention. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Dr. Laurie Santos from the Happiness Lab here. It's the season of giving, and this year my podcast, The Happiness Lab, is partnering with Give Directly, a nonprofit that provides people in extreme poverty with the cash they need as part of the Pods Fight Poverty campaign. Our goal this year is to raise $1 million, which will bring over 700 families out of extreme poverty. Your donation will put cash directly in the hands of these families in need,

and they'll get to decide how to use it, whether that's school transportation, purchasing livestock, or starting a business. Plus, if you're a first-time donor, your gift will be matched by giving multiplier, which means more money for those in need. Visit give directly.org slash happiness lab to learn more and to donate. That's give directly.org slash happiness lab. What are the cycles fathers passed down that sons are left to heal? What if being a man wasn't about holding it all together, but learning how to let go? This is a space where men speak truth and find the power to heal and transform.

I'm Mike Delarocha. Welcome to Sacred Lessons. Listen to sacred lessons on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. This is an IHeart podcast, guaranteed human.