The Daily Zeitgeist - The Daily Zeitgeist Presents: Santa University 12.24.17

Episode Date: December 24, 2017

The Daily Zeitgeist presents Jamie Loftus's much anticipated table read for her screenplay "Santa University." Cast members include Jamie Loftus, Jack O'Brien, Anna Hossnieh, Miles Gray, & Sophie Lichterman. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Daphne Caruana Galizia was a Maltese investigative journalist who on October 16th 2017 was assassinated. Crooks Everywhere unearthed the plot to murder a one-woman WikiLeaks. She exposed the culture of crime and corruption that were turning her beloved country into a mafia state. Listen to Crooks Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. a lot to figure out when you're just starting your career. That's where we come in. Think of us as your work besties you can turn to for advice. And if we don't know the answer, we bring in people who do, like negotiation expert Maury Tahiripour. If you start thinking about negotiations as just a conversation, then I think it sort of eases us a little bit. Listen to Let's Talk Offline on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Kay hasn't heard from her sister in seven years. I have a proposal for you. Come up here and document my project. All you need to do is record everything like you always do. What was that? That was live audio of a woman's nightmare. Can Kay trust her sister or is history repeating itself? There's nothing dangerous about what you're doing.

They're just dreams. Dream Sequence is a new horror thriller from Blumhouse Television, iHeartRadio, and Realm. They're just dreams. Our podcast, Hungry for History, is back. And this season, we're taking in a bigger bite out of the most delicious food and its history. Seeing that the most popular cocktail is the margarita, followed by the mojito from Cuba, and the piña colada from Puerto Rico. Listen to Hungry for History on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, guys, this is a special episode of the Daily Zeitgeist that is absolutely nothing like any other episode of our Daily News Comedic Podcast. This is something that Jamie Loftus, probably our most beloved guest

and most frequent guest, at one point during one of our many seasons, let slip that she has been working on a script for a film called Santa university. And it sounded awesome. So we asked her if we could give it a read for the holidays. And so you're about to hear a dry run.

So without further ado. Gang, I just want to thank everyone for joining me today for the first ever table read of a preview of my five-hour-long feature film, Santa University. I've been working on it for five years, that's the truth. And this is as far as we've gotten so far. We've got today, we've got a select scene, some of my faves, from one of the longest movies to ever gross $3 billion. And so we're going to, I mean, I think the cast. Should we say who we are and what we're playing?

My name is Jack O'Brien, and I will be playing Janine and Goth Santa. My name is Anna Hosni, and I will be playing Mike Santa and Gal. Santa. Santa. My name is Sophie Lichterman, and I'll be playing Jill Santa, Professor Santa, and Intell. Santa. Santa. My name is Sophie Lichterman. I'll be playing Jill Santa, Professor Santa, and Intellect Santa. Beep, beep, beep. My name is Miles Gray.

And today I will be playing the part of Dan Santa. Thank you. Long, difficult casting process went into this. But this is years of hard work. My name is Jamie. My name is Jamie Loftus. I'm the writer, creator, director of Santa University. And I'll also be playing Dean Santa today.

So let's start, shall we? We shall. So without further ado, Santa University. Please enjoy Santa University. Interior Gymnasium Day. The remnants of a normal high school graduation fill the gymnasium. Streamers, hats, and a banner that says, Hey, good job, you guys.

As celebrating students and their families file out, sitting in the center of the dispersing frenzy is Dan Santa, 18, and looks like shit. For some reason, Dan Santa's always wearing a Santa suit. He holds a diploma in one hand, his head in the other. I'm such a freaking loser. Dan Santa opens his diploma holder. In it is a piece of scrap paper that reads, You suck, Dan Santa.

I'm going to be a diplomatless virgin for freaking ever, probably. Dan Santa's parents, Jill and Mike Santa, in their 50s and very hot, approach their loser son. They look pissed. At least they let you pretend to graduate, Dan Santa, you waste. Yeah, Dan Santa, you didn't even get into your backup college, lids. You never believed in me, Mom and Dad. You're damn right we didn't, Dan Santa. We never wanted a son who was a Santa.

We wanted a cool son, or better yet, just give birth to money. I asked my buddy down at the meth lab fronting as a Burlington coat factory if the mall needed a Santa this year, but all he said was that he couldn't hire my failure of a Santa son. Then he sold me my meth, obviously. I'll figure it out, I promise. I'll deliver papers. I'll become a dancer. I just need some time.

Time's up, Dan Santa. We need you out of the house by morning. We want to rent your room out to clowns we meet on Tinder. Oh, no. Page two of the movie, Santa University. And the stakes are already high. By the way, this came to the house for you today. Goodbye,

Dan Santa. We wish you were never born. Mike and Jill Santa leave the gymnasium mumbling something about being on their way to buy some more meth. Dan Santa examines the envelope. It's labeled Sensitive Jingle Information Within. What the freaking heck? Before he can open the envelope, Janine, 17 and in a graduation gown, slaps the envelope out of his hand.

Hello, Dan Santa, my boyfriend, for now, that is. Janine! Dan Santa leads in to hug her, but she pushes him away. Dan Santa, I'm breaking up with you. Jeez Louise. I'm going to Dartmouth next year, and I deserve better than you. You can't read, and you look like shit. I'll be better, I promise.

I'm sorry, I just don't believe in Santa. Dan Santa cries big fat stupid tears. I don't understand the wordplay, but regardless, I am hurt. Good luck, Dan Santa. Maybe they're hiring at Best Buy. Janine exits. Dan Santa is shaken. It's only page three of the movie Santa University, yet the stakes have been rising from moment one.

Surely a break in the tension is forthcoming. He looks at the envelope again. Sensitive jingle information within. I don't know what jingle information could be more sensitive than the jingle information within my heart that is currently broken. Stan Santa opens the envelope. It reads in a tacky font, Congratulations! Welcome to Santa University!

I didn't apply to any Santa University. He examines the paper closely. We see the first paragraph. Greetings, Dan Santa. We know you did not apply to Santa University, but regardless, we have admitted you. Please show up tomorrow with everything you own and report to the dean's office. Dan Santa's elated. He whoops.

He hollers in the now empty gymnasium. And this is where a musical number would go. It's called, I Believe in Santa. I believe in Santa, and I will go to Santa University. I'm going to Santa University. Hell yeah. A faceless voice is heard over the crackling loudspeaker in the gymnasium. Wow, only page four of the movie, Santa University, and the plot is really moving.

We cuff forward to the next day. Exterior, Santa University campus day. And at this point, Jack, I'm actually going to recast you as also Dean Santa because I realize that there's too many stage directions. Okay. They're written in block form. Okay. Okay. They're written in block form. Okay. Okay.

Dan Santa wears a fresh red suit with a Santa University logo emblazoned on the front and moves through a sprawling, tinsel-covered campus. Script note, this set will need to be built to scale and in its entirety. Please set aside $3 million in the budget for this one shot. Dan Santa moves through a crowd of 40,000 identically dressed Santas of every race and gender and looks deeply intimidated. Script note, important that 40,000 extras are hired and fitted for individual Santa suits.

Suits must be real velvet. If I find out any corners were cut, I swear to God, I'll throw my cat in a river. Jesus. Neat! Or an alt line, campus? More like Krampus. In interior Dean Santa's office day, Dean Santa is a gnarled old fuck in a red suit.

Maybe he was a Santa at one time, but now he's a mean old bitch with an agenda. He is the godfather of all Santas. Dan Santa enters in a signature Santa suit, the uniform at Santa University. He's extremely nervous. You must be Dan Santa. You must be Dean Santa. You must be Dan

Santa, new student at Santa University. You must be Dean Santa, the dean of Santa University. Yeah, I'm fucking with him. i'm fucking him oh fucking it stays i'm the dean and i'm a santa also my full name is dean santa nice uniform fuckhead it only came in one size fat yet agile dean santa wilds out and throws his computer at the wall you're damn right it only comes in one size.

You don't know the first thing about Santa University. I didn't even apply to Santa University, Dean Santa. The letter just appeared. Santa University is a destiny, not a choice. It's like that book about the British orphan who gets out of all those scraps using plot magic, except way more violent. Violent? There's only one rule at Santa University. They can only be one Santa each year.

But there's so many of us. There sure are. At the end of every year, only the strongest Santa lives, and all others are sent to the Santa killing field. Dun-dun. I might die this year? You might die now! Steve Santa pulls out a tinsel-covered harpoon gun and aims it at Dan Santa.

Dan Santa screams and cowers behind his chair. Dean Santa laughs and puts the gun down. But not before you meet my lovely daughter. Get out from behind that chair, loser. Gal Santa? Gal Santa, 18, enters in a full Santa University red suit. She looks annoyed. What?

Dean Santa stands and puts his big meat hand onto his daughter's shoulder. This is my daughter, Gal Santa. Short for galactic. No, it's not. It's just to indicate she's the primary female character in the movie Santa University. That's bad writing. Regardless, I want you to get a good look at my daughter, Dan Santa. Hi, Dan Santa.

Hi, I'm Dan Santa. This is your competition. Gal Santa is smart, she's hot, and she's frothing to be seen. I'm also fluent in five language. Pipe down, Gal Santa. We don't need to know more than three details about the female character. Gal Santa gets in

Dan Santa's face, eyes narrowed. Welcome to Santa University, Dan Santa. I look forward to competing with you. Dan Santa looks at camera. I think I'm in love as hell.

I've got to go, Dad. Cool Santa is waiting. And Dan Santa? Yes, I'm Dan Santa and I'm wanting a kiss from you, but it is too early in the movie. Gal gives him a once-over. Get a suit in your size. She exits. Dan Santa and Dean Santa sit.

You hear that? Gal Santa saying something sassy before leaving the room? That's great writing. Who's this Cool Santa she's going to meet? That's her boyfriend, the coolest Santa at Santa University, and thus his name, which is Cool Santa. He's captain of the Jingle Team. Whoa. Actually, that's a fourth detail about a female character.

Let's take back me saying she's smart. Here's where a song would go. This is where Dean Santa would sing a song called You Don't Know Nothing About No Santa. You don't know Nothing About No Santa. You don't know nothing about no Santa. Ooh. That was good. I know.

I know it was. So to be the one true Santa, I'd have to kill Cool Santa and your daughter? Plus the 40,000 other Santas we admit to Santa University every year. It's a safety school. We accept a lot of Santas. That's not sustainable. Dean Santa flips the table. This isn't about about sustainability dan santa you flaccid waste it's about santa uh okay okay have a good first step okay we cut forward to dan santa's first day of class dan santa sits next to goth santa 18 his roommate who is a santa goth and therefore a

little different from the other Santas. At the front of the classroom is Professor Santa, who writes the words Jingle Class on the board and chalk. Okay, Santas. Today there are 40,000 of you. Come Christmas, there will only be one. Now let's learn how to jingle a fucking bell. Cool Santa, 18, and beefy hot and very cool laughs.

Oh, I'm Cool Santa. I'm so cool the bells jingle themselves. Gal Santa sits next to him and scoffs. Yeah, right, Cool Santa, my boyfriend. Intellect Santa and 18-year-old female Santa also scoffs. Just pay attention in class, Gal Santa. I'm sure that the real Santa will value hard work and dedication to the Santa craft. You suck. Dan Santa and Goth Santa whisper in the back

of the class. They pull out two small jingle bells. Goth Santa rings his. I may be a Goth Santa, but that doesn't mean I can't ring a bell just as good as any other Santa. You're damn right, God Santa. My roommate and only ally at Santa University. Thanks, Dan Santa, and thank you for also stating our relationship to each other. Try ringing yours. Dan Santa shakes the jingle bell, but nothing happens. He looks around embarrassed and tries again. Stupid bell must be broken.

Professor Santa appears beside Dan Santa's desk. She snatches Dan Santa's bell and jingles it effortlessly. It's not the bell who's broken, Dan Santa. It's you and the fact that you cannot read and look like shit. Oh, man. You'd better be careful, Santas. Who can't jingle their own bells? Bells don't last long at Santa you very long.

You suck, Dan Santa. There's no way you'll live until the big game whispers to god santa the big game that's the final showdown of all the remaining santas at the end of the every year remember it it's a major plot point later in the movie santa universe oh okay okay dan santa continues to watch people laugh at him but god santa pulls him in again to get his attention i know it seems like logically we will not live that long, but due to the fact that you are the protagonist of Santa University

and I am quickly establishing myself as what I'm optimistic will be a fan favorite B character, it stands to reason that we will appear at the big game or the final scene. I can't be the only Santa who can't ring their own bell yet, right? Dan Santa observes the classroom full of Santas.

He sees Gal Santa jingle her bell perfectly, cool Santa his, other classmates like non-denominational Santa, hype-beat Santa, baby Santa, and arms where their eyes should be Santa, all jingle theirs as well. He is dejected. Dan Santa's gaze falls on the only other frustrated-looking Santa in the room, Thin Santa, who shakes a noiseless bell annoyedly. Dan Santa approaches him. Hey, man, don't feel bad.

I can't jingle my bell either. Thin Santa looks up, tears in his eyes, which are also thin. I've been trying all week and nothing. I'm Thin Santa. He extends his hand to dan santa i'm dan santa hold it right there thin santa that was cool santa cool santa pulls out a harpoon gun and aims it at thin santa i'm not afraid to be the first santa to kill this year if you can't jingle that goddamn bell cool it cool santa Thin Santa's very scared and freaking out. This is Thin Santa.

Can't handle the pressure of Santa University. Don't mind him, Thin Santa. He's just... Too late. Thin Santa has become too stressed and explodes into a cloud of blood. The blood is very far-reaching and splats everyone in class. Very graphic. Lots of brains. JFK. But if his head were three times as large!

Awful. A long beat. Then, Santa? The classroom bursts into applause. God, Santa's covered in blood. Always such a relief to have the first death over. The rest will feel like nothing. Gal, Santa, and Intellect Santa, high five. That's my shit, Intellect Santa. What a splat.

Did everyone see that? I scared Thin Santa so bad he freaking exploded. Well done, class. Well done. Back to your jingling. Professor Santa passes Dan Santa and gives him a meaningful look. I'd recommend you figure out how to jingle that bell, Dan Santa. Dan Santa is in complete shock. He has never seen anyone explode into a cloud of blood before and is horrified.

Everyone else returns to their work, cheery and not bothering to clean themselves of the blood of thin Santa. Dan Santa tries to ring his bell again, but it's full of the blood of thin Santa. Close shot on Dan Santa. This, in my opinion, is perhaps not the right thing to happen. Later that day in the cafeteria, Dan Santa, Goth Santa, Gal Santa, and Intellect Santa all sit around a lunch table eating cookies and milk.

Goth, Gal, and Intellect talk cheerily while Dan Santa broods. What a long face, Dan Santa. While my face is fat like Santa's, it is also naturally long. However, I am sad. Dan Santa, Santa's exploding in the middle of jingle class is totally a normal thing. Every student at Santa U knows that.

Well, maybe it shouldn't be a normal thing. Where I come from, people were bullies too. And bullying stinks, in my radical opinion. Where are you from again, Dan Santa? A nondescript lower middle class suburb. Suburban hamlet. God damn it! Intellect Santa places her hand on Dan Santa, trying to calm him down. Look, Dan Santa, we all know that Santa's system is super messed up. I for one wish this whole thing could be decided based on who Tim Allen scares off a ladder.

But that's a fantasy. The real world is bloody, and I'll kill every Santa I have to in order to take over and change the system for good. Dan Santa stands with purpose, looking dangerously ready to burst into song. Is he going to sing? I hope he doesn't sing. Cool Santa heckles Dan Santa from a nearby table. Don't you dare sing a ballad, Dan Santa, you weak son of garbage! Dan Santa ignores them. I was brought up believing that Santa was good and smart and hot and didn't want to kill other Santas.

I've always believed in the perfect Santa. Oh, he's definitely gonna sing. That sounds like a song title. We're fucking screwed. Here comes a song. And then that's where Dan Santa sings the ballad, The Perfect Santa. Not The Perfect Song, which is what I wrote. In the yard, I would drink Fanta. Dreaming of a perfect Santa.

Everyone is horrified at this song. Now we're skipping forward about three and a half hours in the movie now. We're approaching the end of the movie. Smash cut title card five months later. Wait, so what happened in between? Did I, what's it? Am I stronger? Am I weaker?

Well, you guys see the movie. Okay, great. I'm just rolling. Okay. Because they're $500. So five months later, it's you guys see the movie. Okay, great. I'm just rolling. Okay. Because they're $500. So five months later, it's right. Five months later. Here we go.

Well, you guys will catch up. It'll be clear. Five months later, the once vibrant Santa University campus Krampus. Haha. Looks markedly different. Where once it was filled with 40,000 Santas. Most of the courtyard is filled with corpses. Now, every few seconds, a Santa will mill through of the courtyard is filled with corpses now. Every few seconds,

a Santa will mill through the yard, navigating around their fallen classmates. Studio note, we will need to make sure these corpses are real. Spare no expense. We see Dan Santa now wearing a gas mask to filter out the stench of the Santas who could not hack it. Walk through the campus with

Goth Santa. They pause for a moment and look at the corpse of professor santa dan santa shakes his head sorry so where the situation with the santa's dying was bad before it has now worsened i can't help but agree okay now we're uh so there's a i got a studio note that the movie although five hours long did not pass the Bechdel test. So we went back and we did some reshoots. And this scene takes place the night before the big game in Gal Santa's dorm room at night. Gal Santa and Intellect Santa sit on their respective beds and stare at the ceiling wordlessly. Intellect Santa?

Yes? Tomorrow's the big day in which we will battle to the death. We, meaning you, myself, Dan Santa, Cool Santa and God Santa until the advisement of. Oh, under. Excuse me. Under the advisement of Dean Santa, who is my father? Very, very, very long pause. Yes.

OK, next scene. The big climactic scene. Big sports field outside night. It's the big game. The stadium isactic scene. Big sports field outside night. It's the big game. The stadium is decked out in full Christmas regalia. Because there are no more Santas left, the stadium is full of elves, and some of the Santa corpses have been placed in the seats to make it seem more full. Jock jams play throughout the stadium as Dean Santa enters the center of the field with great applause.

Am I Dean Santa? Yeah. You are, Mr. Santa. It is I, Dean Santa, and today is my favorite of all days in the school year. A better man would say their favorite day is the first day when all the student Santas are still alive. But, honey, I am not that man. Y'all ready for this? Pauses for laughs, none come. The audience, after all, is mostly dead or afraid.

Dean Santa becomes enraged at the lack of response to his stupid joke and shoots a gun into the audience. Let that be a lesson to you. Before we bring out the five Santas that will be dueling for the job of one true Santa for the next calendar year, we must engage in my favorite Yuletide tradition, the retirement of this year's Santa. Everyone, please give a warm welcome to Santa Claus. Santa Claus is coming to town. Blairs over the speakers as real Santa Claus enters on a parade float style sleigh filled with presents.

Everyone is clapping and so happy. And Dean Santa gives real Santa Claus a hand a parade float style sleigh filled with presents. Everyone is clapping and so happy. And Dean Santa gives real Santa Claus a hand down to the field. Yes. Welcome to the real Santa Claus graduate of Santa University last year. He toiled in this very field for the position, just as my daughter and a bunch of chode losers will today. And he brought us an excellent Christmas last year. Santa Claus, do you have any words for your people? Real Santa Claus suddenly looks nervous and gingerly takes the microphone.

I'd just like to say that things don't have to be this way. Too late! Dean Sesa pulls out a harpoon gun and harpoons Real Santa in the head! He dies instantly, and Santa Claus is coming to town stops abruptly. We see that the audience is horrified and crying in the head. He dies instantly, and Santa Claus' coming to town stops abruptly. We see that the audience is horrified and crying in the silence. Long pause, shots of sad elves watching their beloved boss senselessly slaughtered. Dean Santa feigns

surprise at his own crime. My goodness! It appears we are down one Santa! Looks like that means it's time for today's events! The final countdown starts to play, and the audience is suddenly excited again. The real Santa's corpse is dragged from the field by masked elves.

That son of a bitch isn't the real Santa anymore. Dan Santa, Goth Santa, Cool Santa, Intellect Santa, and Gal Santa all enter the field in glorious attire equipped with jingle bell whips. Let the big game... I friggin' love the big game. Begin!

He runs out of the way of the battling Santas, slowly because he is withered and old. It takes a while, embarrassing for him. A horn sounds, and the Santas lunge at each other in gladiatorial battle, but dumber. Gal Santa immediately points her harpoon gun at Cool Santa and shoots him dead instantly. But my girlfriend! Making this a vow of trust broken! He dies. As Galsanta and Intellect Santa spar with the Jingle Whips,

Galsanta and DanSanta exchange a loving glance. Oh, you guys should note they fell in love at some point in the past three and a half hours. I saw it coming. It's just good writing. Thank you so much. That was amazing. Shut up, opponent! Gal whips DanSanta in the face, and he is refocused.

On the other side of the field, Intellect Santa has critically wounded Goth Santa, and he crumples to the ground in a sweaty, fat goth mess. Intellect Santa roars. One let Goth less! She leaves his body and attacks Gal Santa, and they begin to spar. Dan looks to Gal Santa, and she flips him off as if to say, If you try to help me, I will murder you. He runs to Gal Santa's side instead, as Goth is barely breathing through his hot topic mouth.

Goth, my sweet Goth, say something. Dan, Santa, I'll win it all, Goth Santa, for you, in your memory. I'll be Santa for us all. God Santa coughs up a bunch of blood. Then we realize he's laughing. He struggles with his word, but he's definitely making fun of Dan Santa with his dying breath. No way, dumbass. You look like shit.

And can't. He dies. Dan Santa wails to the sky. Even Raid! And can't. He dies. Dan Santa wails to the sky. Even raid! He turns his attention back to Intellect Santa, who has Gal Santa pinned to the ground with her sword. They have swords. Santas have swords. I didn't mention that earlier.

Dan Santa runs across the field in pursuit of Gal Santa. It gives me no pleasure to snap your neck, Gal Santa. But snap your neck? I must! Gal Santa! No! Gal Santa gasped through her fear. There's one thing you forgot, Intellect Santa. And what's that, Little Miss Nepotism?

Dean Santa on the sidelines. A sick burn for the person about to kill my daughter. A greater man would intervene. I am not that man. I'm the hotter of two female characters, the bloated plot to the movie Santa University wrote in. And so, it is I

who must live! Shit! Gal Santa wriggles free out of Intellect Santa's clutches and knocks her to the ground, delivering a devastating jingle whip blow that splits Intellect Santa's head clean open.

Oh, man! She looks up to Dan Santa, hungry for blood. Dean Santa cheers wildly from the sidelines. Kill the bastard, Gal Santa! Dean Santa does not notice that a pack of elves have picked up the corpse of God Santa and sneak up behind him. Kill him, Gal! Dad, look out.

Kill him, Gal! Dad, look out. The leader of the rogue elf pack, righteously outrage elf, gives the signal to his guys. Kill! The elves whack Dean Santa with the corpse, killing him. The elves celebrate, but Gal Santa is devastated. Dad! She runs toward him, and Dan Santa realizes this is his chance.

He lunges toward her and grabs her by the shoulder. Gal is shocked. Would this bitch really pull this shit? Gal Santa! My father is dead, Dan Santa! But, like, I have to kill you so I can have a job. Dan Santa, this is seriously messed up. I'm kind of going through something right now. And I recognize and respect that, but you know the industry only allows for...

Fine, Dan Santa, kill me. She outstretches her arms, offering herself. If you want to be Santa so bad, kill me. Dan Santa aims his harpoon gun at Gal Santa, tears in his loser eyes. He lowers the gun. I can't do it. Before Dan Santa can finish his sentence, Gal Santa pulls out her own gun and shoots him.

He dies instantly. Gal Santa shakes her head sadly. Oh, Dan Santa, you sweet, weak, loser, son of a bitch. I loved you. She looks to the bleachers. Dad, you don't have to play dead anymore. I got him. A long beat.

Dan Santa's body does not move. Righteously outraged elf raises his hand awkwardly. Sorry, we, uh, we really killed him. Damn. Rough. Celebratory music plays and just jock jams again over an announcement that rings through the stadium. And that makes Gal Santa our new Santa Claus for the coming year! Congrats, Gal Santa!

The music fades and the crowd disperses. Gal Santa's left alone in the center of the stadium field that's littered with the bodies of everyone she's ever loved. She kneels to Dan Santa's body and kisses his forehead. This looks bad, but killing and winning feels good, so it was worth it. She looks to the camera and winks. Music begins to play softly

and a magical wind whistles through the air. The ghost of God Santa rises from his bloody Santa corpse. It's just another year at... Suddenly, the music picks up, and a ray of light shines through the blood clads. Jingle bells ring, and the ghosts of 40,000 Santas rise from the graves and begin to dance to a jaunty beat. And this one goes, Santa, Santa, Santa University. Santa, Santa, Santa University.

Santa, Santa, Santa University. The ghost of Dan Santa dances badly next to Gal Santa. Every year Santas come here even though it means they may die. But just because it might cost your life doesn't mean you shouldn't try. You'd think there'd be a better vetting system, but there's not. Betray your friends and bring your own knife or my name isn't Goth. The ghost of Intellect Santa hovers above the entire scene, annoyed. There had to have been a better way to do this.

Gal Santa is no longer sad and dances with the ghosts. The ghost of Dean Santa embraces his daughter. You'd think it would be easier to have more than one Santa guy. And you'd be right, and the job is too much, which is why all Santas die relatively fast. The Santa matriarchy will rise with me as its host. But just because I'm an empowered female Santa doesn't mean my boyfriend isn't a ghost. Hey, that's me! Cool Santa's ghost approaches Dan Santa's ghost. Man,

looks like the coolest Santa got straight up snuffed and bested by a loser Santa who looks like shit and can't even read. Guess so, bitch. He extends his ghost hand. Shake. Cool Santa accepts the handshake. Good, I think that's the last loose end in the script.

He floats away. Dan Santa floats to Gal Santa and they kiss. Wow. I love you, Gal Santa. I'd like to take things slow as I think the fact that I slit your throat will become a major blockage for progress in our relationship. Ah, jingles. They kiss again. The Santa goes to rejoice.

We're at... Santa, Santa, Santa University. Santa, Santa, Santa University. Santa, Santa, Santa University. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer flies in front of the camera and winks. And don't forget about me. Gal Santa pulls out a harpoon gun and shoots Rudolph. His blood sprays onto the camera lens. Oh, fuck.

Santa University! The end. Wow. A hot preview to Santa University in theaters Christmas Day. Alright, well, we're gonna be back on Tuesday, the day after Christmas, with some year-end

stuff, so tune in for that. But this has been the Daily Zeitgeist preview of Jamie Loftus' Santa University. Bravo, bravo. And Merry Christmas to everybody, too. Merry Christmas. Have a good... Or, you know, happy holidays.

Just get it how you live it, guys. Don't at us. Daphne Caruana Galizia was a Maltese investigative journalist who on October 16th, 2017, was assassinated. Crooks Everywhere unnerves the plot to murder a one-woman WikiLeaks. She exposed the culture of crime and corruption that were turning her beloved country into a mafia state. Listen to Crooks Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, I'm Gianna Pradenti. And I'm Jermaine Jackson-Gadson. We're the hosts of Let's Talk Offline from LinkedIn News and iHeart Podcasts. There's a lot to figure out News and iHeart Podcasts. There's a lot to figure out when you're just starting your career. That's where we come in. Think of us as your work besties you can turn to for advice. And if we don't know the answer, we bring in people who do,

like negotiation expert Maury Tahiripour. If you start thinking about negotiations as just a conversation, then I think it sort of eases us a little bit. Listen to Let's Talk Offline on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Kay hasn't heard from her sister in seven years. I have a proposal for you. Come up here and document my project.

All you need to do is record everything like you always do. What was that? That was live audio of a woman's nightmare. Can Kay trust her sister, or is history repeating itself? There's nothing dangerous about what you're doing. They're just dreams. Dream Sequence is a new horror thriller from Blumhouse Television, iHeartRadio, and Realm. Listen to Dream Sequence

on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Captain's Log, Stardate, 2024. We're floating somewhere in the cosmos, but we've lost our map. Yeah, because you refuse to ask for directions. It's Space Jam. There are no roads. Good point. So where are we headed? Into the unknown, of course. Join us on In Our Own World as we uncover hidden truths, navigate the

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