The Daily Zeitgeist - The Daily Zeitgeist Presents: Santa University Part 2

Episode Date: December 24, 2018

It's that time of year again! Join Jamie Loftus, Caitlin Durante, Edgar Momplaisir, Anna Hossnieh, Shereen Younes, Jack O'Brien, Miles Gray, Robert Evans, Jacquis Neal, Sophie Lichterman, and Anna Salinas as they do a table read of Santa University, part two!  Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Daphne Caruana Galizia was a Maltese investigative journalist who on October 16th 2017 was assassinated. Crooks Everywhere unearthed the plot to murder a one-woman WikiLeaks. She exposed the culture of crime and corruption that were turning her beloved country into a mafia state. Listen to Crooks Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Kay hasn't heard from her sister in seven years. I have a proposal for you. Come up here and document my project. All you need to do is record everything like you always do. What was that?

That was live audio of a woman's nightmare. Can Kay trust her sister or is history repeating itself? There's nothing dangerous about what you're doing. They're just dreams. Dream Sequence is a new horror thriller

from Blumhouse Television, iHeartRadio, and Realm. Listen to Dream Sequence on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. How do you feel

about biscuits? Hi, I'm Akilah Hughes, and I'm so excited about my new podcast, Rebel Spirit, or wherever you get your podcasts. even need? It's right here in black and white in print. It's bigger than a flag or mascot. Listen to Rebel Spirit on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. In California during the summer of 1975, within the span of 17 days and less than 90 miles, two women did something no other woman had done before, try to assassinate the president of the United States. One was the protege of Charles Manson. 26-year-old Lynette Fromm, nicknamed Squeaky. The other, a middle-aged housewife working undercover for the FBI. Identified by police as Sarah Jean Moore.

The story of one strange and violent summer, this season on the new podcast, Rip Current. Hear episodes of Rip Current early and completely ad-free and receive exclusive bonus content by subscribing to iHeart True Crime Plus only on Apple Podcasts. Hi, everyone. This is Jamie Loftus, and you're listening to Thank You So Much. I invited all my friends here to applaud for me today. It's that time of year, everyone,

where we read an excerpt from my unproduced five-hour-long screenplay Santa University. We did it last year and at least two or three people enjoyed it which was enough reason

to get back on the fucking horse and write another section of the movie so we've got approximately 500 people in the room today thrilled to have everyone there

nice touch in the room today. Thrilled to have everyone. Nice touch. And yeah, I will do a brief recap of what happened. I mean, if you are not caught up on the Santa University multiverse, we'll catch you up. But let's meet our cast first. My name's Jamie. I'll be reading the action lines today. Let's go this way. My name's Jack O'Brien. I will be playing Goth Santa. I'm Robert Evans, and I'm going to be Second Amendment Santa. I'm Anna Salinas, and I'm going to do Hot Elf and Mike Santa. Hello, my name is Edgar Mopizier, and I will be playing Cool Santa. Thank you. My name is Caitlin Durante, and I am Not Hot Elf, Jill Santa, Ticket Tearing Santa, Weed Santa, and Too Many DVDs Santa.

Yeah, hi, my name is Miles, and I'll be playing Dan Center today. So, great. be playing Dan Santa today, so great. Hello, my name is Jaquis Ahmad Neal, and I will be playing Onion Santa, Incel Santa, Podcast Santa, Arms for Eyes Santa, and honored to be also playing Jamie. Hi, my name is Anna Hosnier, and I will be reprising my role as Gal Santa. Hi, I'm Sophie Lichterman,

and I'll be playing the elf war woman. Hi, my name is Shireen Lanayunas, and I'll be playing Intellect Santa and Panicked Santa. All right, well, sorry in advance if this is bad. Let's begin. Should I read it regular? What? I'll be regular voice.

I think I did. Miles, I trust your work. I mean, you're reprising the lead role, so. It's just annoying. I'm going to keep it, like, regular. I should do it? You're fine. Oh, yeah, then. All right.

Here we go. Here we bloody go then. That little encouragement. One person gave a 10-bit, you could. And I jumped off the bridge. Really? Oh, I mean. Oh, if you said so, yeah.

All right. Exterior Santa University construction site, 1993. exterior Santa University construction site, 1993. Note, if any actor tries to improvise during the filming of this movie, I will kill myself. It's the prologue to the movie Santa University that no one has expressed interest in during the ensuing months of its last performance.

In fact, very little has changed. In fact, the expected trajectory of late capitalism and personal despair has just continued. Anyways, hot elf and not hot elf are using tiny hammers to build Santa University and hold discourse. I don't understand. All Santas need to die? Hey, shut up. You're not hot and I don't have to listen to you.

Why not just accept applications? Spectacle, you fuck! There has to be a better way. I don't have to listen to you. Why not just accept applications? Spectacle, you fuck! There has to be a better way. I don't have to listen to you. You look like shit. The elf four woman, progressive, appears. Does anyone remember what happened in Santa University last

year? Let's ask the writer of Santa University. She is hot. Not Hot Elf pulls Jamie from a nearby pile of rubble. She is a little shaken from whatever experience landed her in the rubble, but is nonetheless thrilled to be there. Hey, everyone.

The last time we heard from Santa University, it was 2017. Now it is 2018, and we have all decayed, including the writer's brain. So this might not be as funny as the first one. Anyways, Santa University is a tale as old as time. Dan Santa, who looks like shit and can't even read, gets recruited to go to Santa University.

After he gets rejected from every college, even Lids. He goes to Santa U and meets Dean Santa, the guy in charge who tells him that every year 40,000 Santas are admitted and 39,999 are killed before graduation, crowning the one true Santa. Also, there are female characters, but they are criminally underwritten. Gal Santa, for example, is dating Cool Santa, but Cool Santa's a bit of a jerk.

There was a Santa named Thin Santa who explodes into a cloud of blood. Anyway, at the end, Dan Santa is killed. Here are some scenes that did not make the cut last year. Goodbye. Thank you, Jamie. That was a useful update. Hot Elf strangles Not Hot Elf. She's had enough. Not Hot Elf simply isn't hot enough to continue to live.

Not Hot Elf dies. Aw, you two. Back to work. Jamie looks to camera and smiles. I hope you enjoyed this opening bit, everyone. On with the show. Interior Cafeteria Day. Dan Santa and his loyal Hot Topic friend Goth Santa sit at the table with Gal Santa and Intellect Santa. Three of them eat candy cane and ham broth. Dan Santa eats glass.

I failed my jingle midterm, and as punishment I must eat glass. You were bad at school. Sure, you will die soon. Is everyone going to Santa prom? Unless you're a Dan Santa and have a stupid mouth full of glass, that is. Prom is stupid.

Cool Santa, who is cool with muscles, approaches. Cool Santa coming through. He picks up Scrawny Santa, who never did anything but help raise his younger siblings when his mother died in an avalanche, and snaps his neck. No one reacts. Santa University is steeped in a culture of death. Cool Santa places his hands still covered in the blood of scrawny Santa on Gal Santa's

shoulders. Sup, babe? Hi, Cool Santa, my boyfriend. For now, that is. You excited for prom? Cool Santa, prom is for idiots. As a goth, I frequently adopt a counterculture stance to the norm, so I also feel that prom is not for me or should more closely resemble a Tim Burton movie.

But everyone's going to be there. Light music starts. Goth Santa looks alarmed. Oh, God, he's not going to sing, is he? He's snapping his fingers and looking vacantly into the distance as if he's about to sing. Hell, the Santas will be there. Oh, my God, he's going to sing. All the Santas will be there. Oh my God, he's going to sing.

Cool Santa, if you love me, you will not sing this song. Too late. The song has begun. As Cool Santa sings about each Santa, they pop out and sing a line themselves. So begins one of the worst songs in Santa University. Song, Meet the Santa. Writer's note, this is the song where you meet all the Santas. All the Santas, most of them will die.

Santa holding an onion sings to camera. I'm on your Santa and I think I might cry. There's an intel Santa who will try to give you a red pill. That's an intel Santa who wears a red Santa hoodie, flips the camera off. I never fuck and often that means I will kill. Everyone. All the Santas are coming tonight unless of course they die. Podcast Santa wears a flannel and a Supreme hat and waves a portable recorder at the camera.

I'm Podcast Santa and I've got a strong opinion. The only people who agree are his minions. Here's a Santa who has arms for eyes. My life is hard, I wish to die. And a Santa with too many DVDs. Too many DVDs, Santa does a cartwheel, holding Blu-rays of Whiplash and I, Tonya. My personality is DVDs.

Regretfully, the song continues for 26 more verses. There's a Santa who's in the DSA, a sneakerhead Santa, a Santa raised by old parents who has a three-minute acapella solo about how kids who grow up with old parents are fucking weird. Everyone's exhausted. Note, do not shorten this song or put it in montage for any reason. This should be a minimum of 14 minutes. Second note, there should be security in the theaters to ensure people do not leave during the song.

I will personally fund security staff to supervise people in their homes if they are streaming Santa University. If anyone, anyone at all, streams the movie illegally, I swear to God I'll kill my cousin. At the end, Cool Santa leans into Gal Santa. She is so upset the song was so long, she's crying. See you at the prom. He frolics off. Gal Santa is distressed. She looks to the others, but Goth Santa is gone.

Where's Goth Santa? Oh, he decided to go see Welcome to Marwen sometime during the third verse. Goth Santa returned to the bucket of popcorn. Tell you what, I did feel welcome in Marwen. Is the song done? It just finished, mate. Oh, wow. Long song.

I don't think I want to date Cool Santa anymore. Does that mean you want to date me? Me? Gal Santa throws a glass of eggnog at Dan Santa. Dan Santa, I can't say it enough. I look like shit and I can't even breathe. You know, Gal, the best way to break up with

Cool Santa would be to kill him. My dad would be so mad if I killed Cool Santa. Trust me, we could make it look like an accident. As an intellectual, I can hack the computers because Cool Santa can be layered to death during the prom. Oh, lasered to death. Thank you so much.

That's my fault. Smile emoji. Plus, if we mess it up, we can always have Dan Santa and Golf Santa finish the job. They are losers who will do whatever we say. It is true. Dan Santa, you don't have to kill Cool Santa.

But perhaps it would increase my esteem in your eyes if I did. Therefore, moving our relationship forward as we latch into the fourth act of Santa University. Dan Santa, shut your fucking mouth. I will do it, Gal Santa.

I will assist in the kill. Smile, smile, smile. Smile, smack, ellipsis, smile. Smile with my tongue out. Smile with angry eyebrows. A long beat between the four of them. You gotta see Welcome to Marwen. Exterior the Woods Day. Received studio note that Santa University didn't have enough Middle America of you.

Dan Santa's wandering around the fringes of the Santa University campus, looking like shit and not being able to read, as usual. Idiot. He talks to himself expositorily. Oh, man. Santa University is so messed up. He steps over the corpse of stand-up comedian Santa, which was probably for the best. We're only briefly into the second act of the movie, Santa University, and already I, Dan Santa, the protagonist,

have proven myself to be a fish out of water in this situation. Now I am left being asked to kill the coolest Santa in school, that being Cool Santa. With no knowledge of murder, I fear I will always be a virgin who will never get kissed if only there were a mentor for me to discuss these issues. A rustle in the bushes. Dan Santa quakes. I'm quaking. Second Amendment Santa, a grizzled Santa holding a musket, looms from the bushes.

Dan Santa continues to quake. Somebody say a mentor for me to discuss these issues? Who are you? I'm Second Amendment Santa, Stinky. May I explain my predicament in a song? He launches into his number, a sultry little number that is

a little Marlena Dietrich. Honey, note for this song, it has to be completely improvised by the actor, explaining how he escaped Santa University and has been living in the woods with a stockpile of guns. Unfortunately, if the actor complies with the

improvisation, he will have to be killed, per the note at the beginning of the script. However, it has to be improvised. Song. As many guns as possible, regardless of what society dictates. Some people say that dead children aren't worth it for some guns. But counter to that, may I propose to you, sir, they look kind of neat. They look kind of neat.

They look kind of neat. So some schools might die and some malls might get shot up and some churches are going to get shot too and nightclubs are going to get shot a lot, movie theaters, a lot of shootings in movie theaters, Christmas markets, really any kind of public situation you can imagine. Yeah, it's not. But, you know, it's if we have guns!

Wow, really incredible work. He does a full split, holding his musket up like a throbbing phallus. Dan Santa, still looking pretty bad and his reading skills not improved, applauds. So you escaped Santa University? Had to fake my own death. Harpooned a friend and made it look like me. I've been living in these bushes for five years, surviving on the rotting flesh of the stand-up comedian Santas. Wow, Second Amendment Santa. I've really formed a bond with you. Thank you. Did you know I kiss my gun before bedtime? No. Santa, I have really formed a bond with you. Thank you.

Did you know I kiss my gun before bedtime? No. Well, I do. Oh. Maybe I'll get to watch it sometime. What? That came out wrong. I hope so.

I just meant that, um... No offense, Stan Santa, but I'm not interested. That's not what I was saying. It's not because I'm not queer and completely accepting of queer culture, because I am. Oh my freaking gosh, mate. I am so embarrassed for you. It's because you look like shit. They sit in silence for a moment, ruminating on Dan Santa's predicament, looking like shit.

So, do you want to go to prom with me? I'd love to. Interior, the don't hack in here room day. Gal Santa and Intellect Santa sit in the don't hack room, and yet they're hacking. Intellect Santa, my dad said we're not supposed to be hacking in the don't hack in here room. What makes him say that? Gal Santa stares at the large sign reading don't hack. I'm not sure.

A male professor was telling me that if we hack into the Santa University mainframe, we can control what happens at the Santa prom. The Santa prom? The Santa prom. The Santa prom? How did he say you could hack the prom? Pretty simple. The gymnasium is rigged with all sorts of murder weapons during jingle practice and sleigh training and a third Christmas sport, but the Dean Santa turns them off during the prom.

To keep the Santa safe? To flick his stick to the security footage. My dad is really cool. Her dad is Dean Santa. Are you going to prom? Does Santa prom with Dan Santa? No way, he looks like shit. And don't forget he can't read. And at this point in the narrative, Cool Santa's still my boyfriend.

Hey, did this scene pass the Bechdel test? No, the author took special care that it wouldn't. Leo Tolstoy. Why did you say Leo Tolstoy? Because if I hadn't, that exchange would have passed the Bechdel test. Oh. Leo Tolstoy. Leo Tolstoy.

Jonathan Franzen. Interior, Santa Prom night. Dan Santa and Goth Santa wait in line for Santa Prom, looking like shit as usual. The Second Amendment Santa is there too, and he cleans up nice. Weed Santa cuts them in line. Weed Santa. Man, he's so cool. Do you remember the plant?

Goth Santa, my closest ally at Santa University? Yes, but for the benefit of the audience, I will repeat it. The objective of our promission is to kill Cool Santa. Both because he is a bully and because that song he sang was very long. In case the hack doesn't work, I will have Second Amendment Santa use his musket to end Cool Santa. It feels good to be part of something bigger than myself. He begins to cough heavily. I'm sorry, I've been living on rotten flesh for several years and am riddled with disease as a result.

Second Amendment Santa, you are wild. It's their turn to go into the prom. Ticket-tearing Santa tears their tickets. This is my time to shine! Nice tear, ticket-tearing Santa. Thank you, Dan Santa. Now that I have torn the last ticket, I can finally leave this earth, which has caused me such pain. Ticket-tearing Santa produces a sword and cuts his own head off.

It's sad at first, but then you see his spirit soar to heaven. Then it's kind of nice. Dan Santa, Goth Santa, and Second Amendment Santa proceed into the interior. Santa University Gymnasium Night. Everyone's loving the prom. Cool Santa, in particular, is dancing his cool ass off, eyeing the prom king and queen thrones across the room. Dan and Goth can't resist the music and begin to dance badly. Interior, the don't hack in here room.

Day. Intellect Santa is hacking. Gal Santa stares at the don't hack sign. Yeah, I'm just feeling like we shouldn't hack here. Okay, so I am in. Hacking and computers, the lasers are in place. Remember, just I am in. Hacking and computers. The lasers are in place. Remember, just kill cool Santa. I don't want to get blood on my hands.

Aside from the hundreds of Santas I will need to kill with my hands to survive this year. They're in position. Santa University Gymnasium. Goth Santa's dancing to I Write Sins, Not Tragedies. He's thriving. Dan Santa stands nervously on the sidelines with Second Amendment Santa. I feel that politically I should say that I don't agree with bringing a musket to Santa prom. You are heard.

Dan Santa looks up to the ceiling where the Santa lasers are in place. They start to shift, and we can see they're pointing directly at Cool Santa, who is mocking God Santa's terrible dancing. This is it. Interior, don't hack in here room. To repeat what Dan Santa just said, to increase tension. This is it. Interior, don't hack in here room. To repeat what Dan Santa just said, to increase tension. This is it. She presses enter and a loud zap is heard.

Gal Santa winces and we see gymnasium zap. The laser misses cool Santa and hits incel Santa. He explodes. The prom gasps. A panicked Santa shouts to the heavens. We have angered the laser. Don't hack in here room. Gal Santa's frantic.

Intellect Santa's frozen. You missed! You missed! Gymnasium. Dan Santa and Second Amendment Santa run to Goth Santa as the laser continues to zap at random, taking out Santas. We've got to get out of here due to the danger. Not before I get cool, Santa. Before he can finish the sentence, Second Amendment Santa is hit by a laser and explodes in slow motion as Ave Maria plays. Dan Santa is so upset.

Second Amendment Santa is an unrecognizable pile of Santa flesh. Oh my God. Another B character we have grown attached to. Deceased. Note, it is critical that the actor playing Second Amendment Santa is actually killed. Never catch me alive, Loppet. Due to their breaking of the improvisational rule earlier, I'm... Could someone please kill Robert?

The laser continues to rage as Dan and Goth turn to flee the room, but they bump into Jill and Mike Santa, Dan Santa's parents. He's shocked. They haven't appeared since page one of Santa University. Mom, Dad, what are you doing at the prom

at the end of act two? Dan Santa, we just wanted to say we're sorry for everything. We never should have rented out your room out to the clowns we met on Tinder. The clowns were rude and the sex was only okay. The drugs were great. Oh, yeah, the drugs were great. But then one of the clowns overdosed.

And their insurance was being weird about it. So we went to prison for involuntary manslaughter of one of the Tinder clowns. Prison was fun. Prison was fun. But then we got bored. So we escaped. Anyway, how's school? Guys, there's something terrible that's about to happen. We're kidding.

We don't actually care how school is. Is there free food? If the cops come for us, you have to lie or we'll have one of the clowns kill you. You guys don't understand. Something terrible is going to happen. The laser strikes again, taking out several Santas in the corner who are French kissing each other. God Santa grabs Second Amendment Santa's musket and throws it at the laser. It misses.

God Santa, you flaccid waste. God, Santa, won't be deterred. He grabs the musket and throws it at the laser again. This time it lodges into the laser and it explodes. Note, has to be real explosion with many casualties or I will walk off the set. Dan, Santa, look at what your flaccid friend just did.

In spite of his flaccidity, we are impressed. Who was trying to kill me? Dan Santa? Was it you? Cool Santa's furious. I'm furious. He makes a beeline for Dan Santa and God Santa,

but Gal Santa appears from nowhere before he's able to snap Dan Santa's neck like he's been having wet dreams about. Stop, Cool Santa! Dan Santa and God Santa were my stooges. I was trying to kill you. And Black Santa peeks around Gal. I was the brains of the operation.

She's cut off. Smart women never get to finish their sentence when hot people are around. It sucks. Gal Santa, this is going to cause friction in our relationship. Cool Santa, you never listen to me. All you ever do is play Nintendo Switch, kill your friends, and send me links to Wikipedia pages about various wars. Cool Santa breaks down in tears. A rare showing from a hyper-masculine Santa, and we applaud him for it. You're right, gal. I don't know how to express myself

and my love, and therefore send you links about the Gulf War. Please forgive me. Cool Santa, I am stunned by your tears and have resolved to give you another chance. And I'm hoping that this is not emotional manipulation. Oh. She begins to sing the theme from Santa U we all know and love.

It's just another year at... Suddenly, the music picks up and a ray of light shines through the gymnasium. Jingle bells ring and the ghosts of the prom casualty Santas rise from the grave and begin to dance to a jaunty beat. Santa, Santa, Santa University. Santa, Santa, Santa University. Every year Santas come here, even though it means they may die. But just because it might cost your life doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

You'd think there'd be a better vetting system, but there's not. Betray your friends and bring your own knife. Or my name isn't Goth. Santa, Santa, Santa University. Santa, Santa, Santa University! Santa, Santa, Santa University! The hack failed, but that doesn't mean we'll all get killed this year. I just love going to Santa University and living only in fear! Santa, Santa, Santa University! Santa, Santa, Santa University!

End scene. Wow, guys. Thank you so much. An incredible performance by all. Thank you. R.I.P. Robert Evans. Yeah. And that's all. Thank you.

Merry Christmas. Oh, yeah, Merry Christmas. Oh, sorry, Happy Holidays. Enjoy your holidays. Bloody war on Christmas. Jesus Christ. Sorry. I have some notes

for my character? Daphne Caruana Galizia was a Maltese investigative journalist who on October 16th, 2017 was assassinated. Crooks everywhere

unearthed the plot to murder a one-woman WikiLeaks. She exposed the culture of crime and corruption that were turning her beloved country into a mafia state. Listen to Crooks Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Kay hasn't heard from her sister in seven years.

I have a proposal for you. Come up here and document my project. All you need to do is record everything like you always do. What was that? That was live audio of a woman's nightmare. Can Kay trust her sister, or is history repeating itself? There's nothing dangerous about what you're doing. They're just dreams.

Dream Sequence is a new horror thriller from Blumhouse Television, iHeartRadio, and Realm. Listen to Dream Sequence on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What happens when a professional football player's career ends, and the applause fades, and the screaming fans move on? I am going to share my journey of how I went from Christianity to now a Hebrew Israelite. For some former NFL players, a new faith provides answers. You mix homesteading with guns and church. Voila! You got straight away.

They try to save everybody. Listen to Spiraled on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you ever wonder where your favorite foods come from? Like what's the history behind bacon-wrapped hot dogs? Hi, I'm Eva Longoria. Hi, I'm Maite Gomez-Rejon. Our podcast, Hungry for History, is back. And this season, we're taking an even bigger bite out of the most delicious food and its history.

Saying that the most popular cocktail is the margarita, followed by the mojito from Cuba, and the piña colada from Puerto Rico. Listen to Hungry for History on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.