The Daily Zeitgeist - The Daily Zeitgeist Presents: Santa University Part 3

Episode Date: December 25, 2019

The Daily Zeitgeist presents part 3 of Santa University. Written by Jamie Loftus.Featuring (alphabetically): Nick CiarelliChris CroftonCaitlin DuranteBrad EvansMaggie Mae FishKatie GoldinDanl GoodmanMiles GrayAnna HossniehCody JohnstonSophie LichtermanSunny Loftus-TaylorLaci MosleyJack O'BrienKaty StollIsaac TaylorShereen YounesCatch up if you haven't heard or don't remember the first two!Find Santa University Part 1 here! Find Santa University Part 2 here! Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello, the internet, and welcome to yet another episode of Santa University. Well, this isn't even an episode. This is an event. This is an event. It's an annual tradition now since the beginning of this whole podcasting universe where the great Jamie Loftus, Loftust, I'm sorry, Loftust, blesses us with her magnum opus that is an ever-evolving script. I will let her intro the script a little bit more,

but at the very least, we want to give everybody a Christmas gift. Yes. Because it's Christmas Day today. It's St. Crispin's Day. Oh, it is. That's right. What is that from? Merry Christmas, guys.

St. Crispin's Day? Was that ever said in something? Or am I just tripping? Yeah, you're tripping. Yeah, Merry Christmas. We're in a room full of all our most talented friends. There's like dozens of people here ready to perform for you. All right.

Sorry, man. Jamie. Yeah. Hi. Hi. Okay, so thank you guys so much. It's always a Christmas miracle. Yeah, that you get the script done in time.

Yeah, I got it done. I think I had a lead of 7 minutes this year which is good for new listeners if you're you know rookie zeitgang can you please explain to people what this is what is Santa University what it means what's different what's new

yes okay so this is the third year that we're doing Santa University which is absurd so Santa University is a project that's been very close to my heart. I've been working on it since 2012. Oh, wow. The concept is simple. You know, we got more

Christmas content than ever. This is a concept that, well, we introduced it in song at the beginning of this one, just as a recap. But it's a five and a half hour long movie that I wrote, and i'm continuing to write in pieces it's an evolving it's kind of what was the kanye album that he kept changing it uh well it was yandi and then jesus is king and then i love donald trump it's that i love donald trump

it's that uh so this year uh there's a another chunk that's unsurfaced. Some might argue it's too long. We'll see. But it's about Dan Santa, played by Miles Gray. Dan Santa looks like shit and can't read. Can't read. And that's the character and is one of the richest characters in the canon. And luckily, I also look like shit and cannot read.

So I apologize now when I say lines that aren't written in your script. They're just completely improvised. As a function of my illiteracy. This year, and it's also, so Santa University is a university where 40,000 Santas get in every year. Only one graduates, the rest are brutally murdered. Right, right. It's also a musical. So we've heard different chunks of Santa University.

We heard the beginning and the end in 2017. We heard something somewhere in the middle last year. And this happened specifically in somewhere in hour three. So it's kind of in like deep in, but you can't quite see the light out yet. The conclusion is very far away. So there's a lot of new characters, but also the Santa U characters you know and love. So I think we should just get started. Let's do it.

All right. All right. So I guess we shouldn't go around. I guess we'll introduce ourselves at the end. No, we'll let people know who they're about to hear from. We should do it now. Yeah. There's so many people.

So when we say your name, please come up and introduce yourself and your part. And your character. Yeah, and your character. So my name is Jamie Loftus. I'm the author of Santa University. Thank you so much. And it's going to be produced any year now. And I'm going to be reading the stage directions this year.

So let's go this way. I'm Isaac Taylor, and I will be playing Too Many DVDs Santa. I'm Nick Cirelli. I will be playing Scientist Santa. I'm Jack O'Brien. I'll be playing Dean and Bean Santa. I'm Miles Gray, and I will be playing Dan Santa. I'm Caitlin Durante, and I will be Goth Santa.

Hi, I'm Lacey Mosleyley and I'll be playing Detective Santa. Hi, I'm Anna Hosnia and I will be playing Gal Santa. I'm Maggie Mae Fish and I'll be playing Wistful Santa. I'm Katie Golden and I'll be playing Exposition Santa.

I'm Shereen Lonnie Yunus and I'll be playing Intellect Santa. I'm Brad Evans and I'll be playing Boring Santa. I'm Shereen Lonnie Yunus, and I'll be playing Intellect Santa. I'm Brad Evans, and I'll be playing Boring Santa. I'm Dan, and I'll be playing the Doomed Elf. I'm Cody Johnston. I'll be playing Metaphorical Conjoined Twin Santa 1 and Knife Santa. I'm Katie Stoll, and I will be playing metaphorical conjoined Santa too I'm Sophie Lichterman

and I'll be playing romance Santa I'm Chris Crofton and I'm playing glory hole Santa laughter laughter that came out in the exact right order laughter actually perfect okay so it's a bit of a whodunit this year.

Oh, wow. Exterior, Santa University. Sometime between 3 and 3.45 p.m., I will know the difference if someone tries to cut corners. Here we are. Just cresting the third act of Santa University. What's going on? Well, I can tell you one thing.

Dan Santa does not have an Australian accent this year because people didn't like it. Oh, shit. A few thumb Santas lay dead in the courtyard while a priest Santa reads their last rites to them. The killing has started to get so that Santas are dying a little faster than the elves, and no, we will not be dealing with their B-plot this year either, can bury them in the Santa killing fields.

A heavy winter fog hangs over the campus. Never heard of a winter fog? Leave me alone. Wistful Santa wanders on screen, looking devastated as hell. She was introduced sometime in the second hour of Santa University, but that footage has gone missing,

so it's impossible to know a lot of what she's talking about. And this is a song called What Happened in Santa University in 2017 and 2018. And take it away, Wistful Santa. If anyone wants to add some background, you know. Yeah, yeah. Dan, Santa looked like shit, and he couldn't read about it. But the screenplay for Santa University asked that we root for him as a protagonist.

And he got into school. Was Santa's goth gal and cool? But the title university, after being refused for a low-level managerial position at Lyd, Dean Santa said no. Thank you, Lacey. SU ain't about snow It's a brutal school

Where only one out of 4,000 Santas live each year And the rest are brought to the Santa-killing field Then he gave a brochure And Dan Santa said, Sir, save the brochure for someone else I still can't read Okay, so let's all sing this part together. Once Santa lives,

ooh, the rest are killed. It's a musical as well. If this is your first time listening, maybe go back to the first one up to you. Gal Santa. Oh, wait. No, that's you.

Shut up. I'm so sorry. I'm okay. Please. Please. Ahem. Gal Santa's fighting. Ooh.

Ooh. For meaningful inclusion in the script as its primary female character. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. She stands a better chance than her friend, Intellect Santa. Ooh. Because she comes from wealth and benefits from nepotism.

Whoa. Whoa. Santa University, that's basically all you need to know. Somehow there's a second verse. Exposition Santa walks on screen and gives Wistful Santa a meaningful hug. I guess they know each other? Maybe they'll explain. They look to camera, so it looks like they're going to sing the second verse. Is Exposition Santa a good singer?

Then there's you, Wistful Santa, our beloved B-character that we meet in the second hour of the film Exposition Santa is not a great singer. And Wistful Santa knows this, but she's a good friend and she doesn't point it out. And Santa's parents are arrested And we briefly divert to the elves Who have always been intended to be included in Santa University

But never are who have always been intended to be included in Santa University, but never are, because the author is rarely able to get more than two Adderall at a time, and it feels like opening up a whole thing. But we see them uprise, and we meet a bow constrictor. Also, I should have clarified that Dan Santa's parents went to prison after one of the clowns they met on Tinder overdosed in their house, which qualified

as manslaughter in this case. Exposition Santa turns... That happened in the last one. Exposition Santa turns back to Wistful Santa and waves for the backing music to turn off, which it does. A production assistant can be heard offscreen saying, what the fuck? I'm sorry, I'm not feeling good about the singing part.

Yeah, you can just say it, actually, if you want. Exposition Santa is embarrassed and should be. What an awful singing voice. Why volunteer to do it if they were going to sing like that? They look back to the camera and rush through the rest of the recap. Right, so, um, Wistful Santa befriends Dan Santa, which you think would

have bearing on the plot. Then it turns out it really doesn't. This author has a tendency to have female characters appear because they feel like they're supposed to, but doesn't actually know what to do with them. And Shing Knife Santa appears with a large knife

and slits both of their throats. And that's good because that was getting boring. Exterior Jingle Manor Night. Title card, a Santa University mystery. A big decrepit jingle manor. Whatever you're picturing, it's that, sweetie. Dan Santa, Gal Santa, Goth Santa, and Intellect Santa walk up to the door.

Dan Santa eating a cruller. Dan Santa is not sure about this. I'm not sure about this. Relax, Dan Santa. My father, Dean Santa. The dean of Santa University. Thank you, Goth Santa. Thanks.

I'm Goth Santa. Where'd you get that cruller? I found it on the ground. He throws his dinner every year at the Jingle Mansion to mark the halfway point in the school year. 20,000 dead Santas. It really makes you think about how little time we have on it. Okay. Dan Santa has finished the crawler and doesn't seem to notice he's chewing on his own hand.

Gossanta rings the doorbell and it rings the doorbell tune. Jingle mansion. Jingle mansion. It's the mansion. Jingle mansion. Bean Santa answers the door. To the untrained eye, he looks just like Dean Santa,

but he isn't. He's Bean Santa. Gal Santa looks a little suspicious. Not sure. Are you? Bean Santa! Uncle Bean! Gal throws her arms around him with an enthusiasm she's never had for her father, who she considers a coward, not dealt with

or paid off in the plot. I'm not Dean Santa. Dan Santa looks at him, but he looks just like Dean Santa. That's not Dean Santa. Dan Santa looks at him, but he looks just like Dean Santa. That's not Dean Santa? That's what the action line said. Come on in, kids. They enter the mansion.

Anyways, I am Bean Santa, as opposed to my twin brother, who is... Dean Santa, my father. Uncle Bean, even I can't tell the difference between you and my father, who is... How will we be able to tell you apart if Gal Santa can? That will become relevant to the plot starting now. I'll go find Dean. Bean Santa wanders off and the four Santas head into the main foyer. I didn't know Dean Santa was a twin.

It's a good twist for the whodunit portion of Sani University, in my opinion. He seems much nicer than Dean Santa. That might not have been Bean Santa at all. They switch places all the time. Bean Santa is even worse than my dad. I've seen him kill non-Santas without a second thought. I am in love with you. So you're saying there's two identical Santas, one mean and one even meaner?

He looks to camera, but it doesn't have the impact he hopes because the audience understood it the first time. They cross into the Jingle Mansion dining room. The Jingle Mansion is a Victorian disaster that's covered in oil paintings of Santa's past from the exact moment they were killed. One features a buzzsaw making immediate and painful contact with a Santa skull. One shows a head dangling from a neck like a hangnail. A third is a Santa's head about to explode from the pressure of being inside a tanning booth whose temperature is set to a billion. There are various overdressed Santas milling about the room eating Christmas snacks based

on puns. There's science Santa, detective Santa, Arms Where His Eyes Should Be Santa, oh, did I not cast that? Oh, shit. Who wants that? I'll take it. You did it. Too many DVDs Santa, 2002 Santa didn't cast

that either. Katie, could you do it? Yes. And Boring Santa. No one seems to know each other. Come on, everyone. Our names are on these cards. They go to their seats at the long dining room table, cautious of each other because a crime is going to happen soon. There is a roasted Santa head on the table with the phrase, a crime is going to happen soon, spelled out in cranberries.

For years after Santa University is released, fans will praise this choice as one of the many subtle foreshadowings. Blink and you'd miss it, but there's a pretty long and close shot on it too. Dan Santa walks to his seat beside Gal Santa. I was hoping to sit next to my uncle and not you, Dan Santa. But you're the love interest

of Santa University. I'm going to get out of this place someday and Goth Santa points to Dan Santa's name card, which we can't see. Wow. Bean Santa was pretty hard on Dan Santa on the name card. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I cannot read, so it's impossible to internalize the insult. It says ugly sit here.

Oh, that's not nice. Dan Santa internalizes it. We cut back to the roast with the cranberry spelling. A crime is going to happen soon, just in case you missed it the first time. Bean Santa and Dean Santa enter together in identical sweaters, beaming. We're either Bean or Dean Santa. And now for tonight's entertainment. They get ready to launch into a song, and the guests have a physical response.

Too many DVDs Santa throws up into his Blu-ray case for whiplash. Science Santa sticks his head inside of the roasted Santa head to help blot out the noise. Gal Santa is crying as this song conjures terrible memories from her childhood that Santa University doesn't have the time or interest to unpack. The song is called, they should have just called one of us Mean Santa. And Jack, I didn't write words.

So if you could just take it away, you have four minutes. The best improviser in the room here to improvise a four-minute long song called They should have just called one of us Mean Santa. But instead they called us Dean and Bean Santa. Good so far. And I could just repeat that for four minutes

or do you just want to move on? So imagine it's four minutes. Everyone's fucking exhausted. The twins complete their song. Everyone's visibly upset and annoyed. Either Dean or Bean shrugs. Well, back to the glory hole. He skips upstairs and we hear glory hole Santa in the distance.

He loves his job. Back so soon? Goody. The other Bean Dean Santa sits at the table, a little out of breath. No applause, guys? Intellect Santa is not thrilled with this storyline. I have to say I'm getting pretty tired of all these white guys insisting on playing twins. It's exhausting.

Well, it's a good thing you're not writing the movie, Santa University, then, isn't it? Is that you, Uncle Bean? Does it matter? Either way, we are horny for each other in a vague and complicated way. Yes. Can you tell us why we're here? Excellent question, Josephine. Let's introduce

ourselves. Was that glory hole Santa back there? I'm surprised he's still alive. I said introduce yourself. Scientist Santa trembles as Bean Dean points a gun at him. Detective Santa has a notepad out and scribbles in it as the others argue. 2002 Santa rolls her eyes.

You're full of shit, either Bean or Dean Santa. Stay out of this, 2002 Santa. Hi, I'm 2002 Santa. I'm Scientist Santa. Been studying whether 39,999 Santas need to die every year after all. Women have gone too far. To answer your question, Scientist Santa, that was Glory Hole Santa. He came with the house.

I'm sorry, but is 2002 Santa even allowed to be in here? He was supposed to be killed with her tenure of Santa up until 2002. Who are you, arms where his eyes should be Santa? Hi, I'm arms where his eyes should be Santa. I personally don't trust Glory Hole Santas. One stole my Blu-ray of Drive right in the middle of my glory hole session last year. For the last time, too many DVDs, Santa. You told him he could borrow it when you were on meth.

Well, he got cum on my Blu-ray. Please stop saying cum. I'm about to cum. I'm feeling lost in this sea of new characters. Don't worry about it. There's no way they're going to live until the next act due to the format of the part of this movie. Glory Hole Santa is a valued member of our family.

He's been sucking my family off for... Sorry. He's been sucking my family off for generations. It's true. Glory Hole Santa has been sucking everyone who has ever lived in the Jingle Mansion at a competitive rate since Santa University opened. Glory Hole Santa and the other Bean Dean Santa can be heard gallivanting in the background.

More tea! More tea! I'm a professional. Just the one tooth will do ya. Goth Santa shakes his head, which is slightly less important to us than that of the protagonist, Dan Santa. Although if you think about it, isn't it really Gal Santa's story? I'm just kidding. That's what writers say when their movie with a male protagonist lets a female character do something for once. I only thought

Mad Max was okay, but maybe I just don't like steampunk culture. Grow up. I don't think it's right to imprison a glory hole Santa like that. My father was a glory hole Santa. A pause. He looks to detect a Santa who's been taking notes this whole time. She isn't taking notes anymore. Are you going to write that down? Uh, no. I'm not particularly interested in the background story of your character. No one is. What I want to know is, either Bean or Dean Santa, is why you and your brother invited us

here tonight. I thought you might, Detective Santa. The reason I... Too many DVDs Santa's points to boring Santa. Wait, what about that Santa? Everyone looks to boring Santa. He's deeply boring, but he's kind of tall, which is enough for a lot of people. They are all in love with

him right away. Hey. Regardless of sexual orientation Everyone loses their shit God he's so tall We had a thing In spite of my superior judgment I would die for him Ah

Ha They all snap out of it But man boring Santa There's something about him As I was crying I mean, saying, Bean or Dean Santa, whichever you are, why are we all here tonight?

It's simple, Detective Santa. While the person hired to play my character would normally play one part, he learned that if he played two with half the effort, he would make more money. I suspected as much. Intellect Santa stands furious. Don't you see?

Well, it can't be that many famous white actors that have done this. Intellect Santa doesn't even need to think about it. Oh, come on. Paul Rudd, James Franco, Zach Galifianakis, Ian McGregor, Tom Hardy, an untitled Seth Rogen project. That can't be right. I assure you, these are all from the past five years just off the top of my head. What's the thinking behind it?

I mean, why give screen time to a person of color or a woman when you can just have a lukewarm performance from James Franco, a known sexual predator, twice? Wow. In the background, you can hear Glory Hole Santa at work and either Dean or Bean Santa who is moaning in ecstasy. It really takes you out of the point that Intellect Santa is making, which if you think about it for even a second, actually has legs to it.

Rami Malek? No, he hasn't played twins. He is a twin. Oh, right, right. Women don't play twins ever? Well, they used to in the 80s and the 90s, but since famous men found out that they can get paid extra for doing it, not as much. It's like podcasting in that way. You are

wild. What about Vanessa Hudgens? Oh, shit. I think that passed the Bechdel test. Silence! Everyone at the table looks up to either Dean or Bean Santa, a little shocked at the sudden intensity. Intellect Santa breathes an internal sigh of relief.

She had totally forgotten Vanessa Hudgens played Twins in The Princess Switch just last year. You're right. But given that it's a low-budget TV movie versus prestige TV and film, the point is still a solid one, maybe. Let's say she's right. The true reason you're all here, in addition to creating additional acting work

for established white actors in need, is because you've all got a bone to pick with the Santa U administration. Almost as if it were pre-planned, it is a feature film that has gone through 14 hours of pre-production. Music begins to play as Glory Hole Santa continues to wail in the background in ecstasy, becoming syncopated to accompany the Broadway beat that is beginning.

Another song in Santa University? Yeah, you fucking idiot. There's 63 songs in this show. This song, I mean, it can go however you want. This is called An Explicit Statement of Motives to Save Some Time. As their verse begins, every Santa conveniently addresses the camera with their appropriate vague amount of suspicion. Some of them are stupid and appear more or less suspicious than they should. Which ones?

Not my business. I'm a Santa detective with a history of messing up my cases and was only caught by Bean. I'm a scientist Santa who is doing an experiment that the Bean and the Dean think isn't keen.

Good night. I'm Orange, where is I, Jimmy Santa? And I think the Dean sets bad optics. I think he's a trad, and he should die. I have too many DVDs. I was in Santa U last year, and since then I have purchased Avengers Endgame on Blu-ray. My personality is DVDs. It was 2002 when I became the true Santa, and I lived many years longer than Dean said.

He was mad. He said, hey, Santas only live a year, and if you try to challenge me, then they're dead. I don't know what to say. I am boring, but I'm tall, so I get fucked a lot. People mistake my height for being interesting I am not Don't tell Dean Dan Santa interrupts the song to wax poetic about nothing as usual

The melody he improvises badly I'm Daniel Santa Just kidding my full name is Dan I look like shit and can't read. This part of the movie is hard for me. I won't die, suspense is low. The regular music starts again abruptly, as if the production itself was bothered by Dan Santa's introduction.

I am either Dean or Bean Santa. I'm an actor who's playing two roles. I have two roles. Look at me. The song ends, which is well-timed because a crime is about to take place. Anyways, the lights go out in the room and everyone panics. A screen comes from somewhere. It's either Bean

or Dean. Hard to know as both are played by Jack. The lights are out for a full hour. For the first... For the first few minutes, there's some rustling and general upset, but it quiets down after a little while. Around minute four, we hear, Is anyone asleep yet? Yes.

Twenty more minutes pass, and we still have not turned the lights back on. There's the sound of a couple kissing, footsteps above and below the room, but for the most part, everyone stays still. The distant sound of Bon Iver is in someone's headphones and someone's mutters something about it not being 2013 anymore. Get over it. Dan Santa, is that you kissing?

In my dreams it is. Dan Santa, you are the funniest person I know. Thirty minutes after this, Detective Santa speaks up. Is anyone going to turn the lights back on? Oh my god, my bad. The lights come back on, and everyone panics as they realize either Dean or Bean Santa has been killed in cold fucking blood.

And he's laying in a pool of his own blood, which is solid. He's been murdered in every conceivable way. He's been drawn and courted. He's got a harpoon in his gut. He's been jingle whips to death. And a fourth thing, too. Dad! Mean Santa? Goth Santa whispers to him. It's Bean

Santa. Oh, right, because of the song. Detective Santa tries to calm the crowd in spite of the fact that she's a murderer. Just kidding. Too early to know. Cast of Santa University, relax in order to save time. They do so immediately. We have to keep this moving. Someone here has killed either Bean or Dean Santa.

And given that I am Detective Santa. I did it. Oh. The Bean Dean Santa who is not dead enters, looking like he just came. He did. What a ghastly. The only thing that could bring me down today is if,

oh my God. If your brother was murdered in cold blood. The only thing that could bring me down today is if... Oh my god! If your brother was murdered in cold blood! I was going to say if Bones was cancelled. It was cancelled 2017, Bean or Dean Santa. Oh my god. Frowny face. Pause.

I did not do it. I just wanted the attention. Too many DVDs Santa throws up in the Blu-ray of Looper he never shuts the fuck up about. Gal Santa pleadingly goes up to the remaining Bean Dean Santa, who stares at his brother's body, emotionless. Dad, is that you? Gal, due to the sensitive jingle nature of the situation, I am not comfortable saying. Gal is infuriated, and Bean Dean Santa looks up to the rest of the cast of Santa University. Who's your least favorite cast member so far? Don't be shy.

I am glad he's dead. Detective Santa begins pacing as she susses things out. Unfortunately, she is not watching where she's walking, and starts tracking the blood of Bean or Dean Santa across the carpet, destroying any useful evidence. That would be very interesting indeed, if you were Bean Santa and wanted to take your brother's job. Or if you were Dean Santa to finally see your brother receive his comeuppance for his crimes perpetrated as the Boston Strangler. He did it! I couldn't have done it. I was getting sucked off by Glory Hole Santa.

Glory Hole Santa yells his head off in the distance. Hello, gorgeous! Someone should call the police. Boring Santa would love the distance. Hello, gorgeous. Someone should call the police. Worrying Santa would love the police. Before they can figure out who trusts cops, a Santa cop bursts into the room in full uniform. The general vibe is, ew, we don't really want him there. Did somebody report a crime?

Arms where his eyes should be, Santa instinctively throws a hatchet at Santa cop's head and kills him instantly. No one is especially bothered. Did you know that cops legally have to say, did somebody report a crime when they enter a room? You're literally so smart. Also, as I feel I have fallen into the background a little. Who are you again?

Hi, I'm Scientist Santa. I need to go get some air. Bean Dean Santa heads for the door towards the Santa shed and a B-plot that is sure to be a breath of fresh air for everyone. Oh my God, he left in the middle of my sentence. Just say what you need to say, Scientist Santa. I think we should split up and look for clues. I was going to say that.

I'm 2002 Santa, by the way. Interior, Jingle Shed Day. Let's try out that B-plot. It's one of the sheds behind the Jingle Mansion. And Romance Santa and Doomed Elf french each other passionately. Soon one of them will die and you'll never guess who. Doomed elf, I will always love you.

Romance Santa, it cannot last. You are one of the final 23,000 Santas here at Sandy University. There's no way you'll live to see the end of the year. It seems unlikely. They speak in unison. As Dan Santa is the protagonist. Doomed elf coughs a little and blood comes up. It's elf blood, though, so it's a strawberry shake.

But it's sad. Also, I have elf tuberculosis. Didn't they cure elf tuberculosis? Yes. But Dean Santa won't allow the vaccine on campus. It's a B-plot to Santa University. That was included in earlier drafts. That was later abandoned.

Except for this scene where it inexplicably appears Dean Santa is an elf anti-vaxxer. Oh, right. Dean Santa and his brother Bean, who only appears in this section of Santa University. We haven't seen him in a while. Bean Dean Santa opens the door to the shed, smiles and waves.

I'm right here. Hi, Bean or Dean Santa. Bean Dean Santa grabs a harpoon gun hanging on the wall and leaves the shed Romance Santa and Doom Delph resume their conversation As I was saying, Bean or Dean Santa Is killing us Why didn't you just say anything to him just now?

I'm shy What are the vaccines made of? Due to the fact that we are elves The only vaccine is cookies Note, could be persuaded to change cookies to hot dogs It doesn't matter, Doom Delph. I will love you to the very end. Fade to very raunchy sex scene.

Note, this scene has to be absolutely debauched and fucked up. Their bodies, due to the culture of death at Santa University, are covered in sores and boils. However, it is a gorgeous consensual love scene. They are not particularly adventurous, but a lot of people in the crowd will be titillated. Tried to spell this word five times and kept fucking it up.

By the sheer difference in size between Doom Delph and Romantic Santa. Doom Delph pops one of Romantic Santa's back pimples. Really think about how that might look. This scene should be two minutes long, but feel like 20. Viewers will think, how could God exist in a

world in which this sex scene takes place? Romantic Santa and Doomed Elf lay in a pile of stinky bliss. Their flesh reeking of recent coitus is terrible. Doomed Elf seems upset. I'm dying, Romance Santa. That sucks. Yes. Doomed Elf dies, confirming the

suspicions of many. Dean Santa climbs through the window and speaks to camera. Well, I hope everyone enjoyed this little B-plot. On with the show. He snaps Romance Santa's neck. We return to the Jingle Manor dining room. Detective Santa is examining a mutilated body a little closer as Boring Santa behaves both hot and suspicious. Anything you're looking for specifically, Detective Santa?

Detective Santa looks up. She's a career-driven woman who doesn't have time to fuck, but for a man this boring, she's honestly a little flustered. Uh, just the standard stuff. Boring Santa. Lacerations, curses, goop. I like to get a little taste of the scene. In an attempt to allure Boring Santa, she takes a long slurp of Dean or Bean Santa's blood while locking eyes with him. It's working? Boring Santa is interested. Any lead suspects? He leans in closer

towards Detective Santa's blood-stained professional mouth. I have ruled out no suspects. Oh my god, boring guys can do whatever they want as long as they're tall. It's not fair! Interior, jingle basement. Gal Santa and Dan Santa wander through the labyrinth of tunnels beneath the jingle mansion.

Gal is frantically looking for clues, and Dan Santa's moving slowly and generally making things difficult. He is the underdog, but at this point in Santa University, everyone's just about had it with him. Ugh, I hate being alive. That makes sense. You're not good at it. Focus, Dan Santa. The murderer could have hidden a weapon down here or something during

the hour where I should have turned the lights on. But Gal Santa, it's like three hours into the movie, Santa University, and all my efforts to wear you down have been for nothing. You're not worn down at all. Gal Santa finds a gun on the ground with fresh, bloody handprints, then kicks it and walks by.

Too obvious. I don't have time for this, Dan Santa. Either my father or my uncle is dead, and either my father or my uncle doesn't care about it. How many times do I have to tell you? You look like shi- Before she can state the obvious, Dan Santa's looks and literacy are completely unchanged since moment one.

They bump into the metaphorical conjoined twin Santas. The metaphor is that what binds them is the oppression of poverty and being pushed to the margins of jingle society their entire lives. But this will not come across at all in the performance. Who dares cross the jingle labyrinth? Dan Santa, can you handle this? She walks off to go on her hero's journey that Santa University has no interest in. It

scowls Santa's story, though, and don't let anyone tell you differently. How long have you, like, been here for? The conjoined twins look into the near distance wistfully. How long has it been now, Christine? Conjoined twin two lifts up her pant leg and counts the scabs on her shin. Nine scabs,

Christopher. That means 50 years. The university told us if we came above ground again, we would be vaporized. But we send smoke signals up. It'll be... Since you're up here, or since you're here, would you mind affirming that I am entitled the love of Gal Santa through song?

The twins look at each other. This is their only chance for escape. With all due respect, we really need someone's help getting out of... But the movie Santa University doesn't care about

the plight of the long-oppressed conjoined twins and the music begins to play. They look around in dread as Dan Santa begins to clap his big stupid hands. A song just for him. The song is called

You're Okay. Note, as the conjoined twins go through their routine against their will, we can see that the dancing causes them a lot of pain. It turns out they're dancing on glass. You're not so bad. You'll wear her down. You're the protagonist. You've got the crown.

Take it from us. From underground. We can validate you, make you feel profound. Wish you're not! Keep dancing. Step on the glass. They sing the next part in a bridgy, quick-listing format. Not exactly we didn't start the fire, but that's about as close as I can think of.

Sure you look like shit and you can't even read, but you've got two hands and you still can't read. And you've got a nice smile. Wait, just saw it. I take it back. You've got a nice hat. A nice hat. The kind of smells. You're a catch, Dan Santa. And by catch, we mean not including looks,

skills, money, or personality. We'd love to tell you about how we got stuck down here many years ago when the... Dan Santa's angry. They should be singing about him. I don't care about your predicament. They head into a very painful finale. Don't worry, bud.

You'll win the day. We're in a lot of personal pain. But Dan Santa, you're okay. The song ends, and Dan Santa's flying high from the emotional labor He's subjected these characters to Although it would appear that it's they who could use the reassurance The conjoined twins are miserable You know what, you are right

Conjoined twins I am sexually appealing Now if you'd please unshackle us from this wall The twin, who I gave a name earlier But let's be honest, they're poor and who cares Reveals that he and his sister Have been shackled to the wall of the tunnel this entire time. Gal Santa comes back with a rock. I found a rock!

Gal, I am in love with you. Dan Santa, I am completely disinterested in you. In the movie, this means I have a chance. They take the rock. They take the rock, which Gal thinks is a clue, but honestly, in what world would that be a clue? And they run in the opposite direction of the conjoined twins. Neither Gal Santa nor Dan Santa would ever think of the twins again, confront their own privilege, or grow as people.

The twins would go on to live for 500 years, or 10 scabs. I hate to admit it, but I'm rooting for Dan Santa. Interior, jingle pantry. Goth Santa, Intellect Santa, and Arms Where His Eyes Should Be Santa follow some bloody footprints into the pantry, which is a pretty gentle way to describe a room full of frozen Santa body parts. I thought they just sent the Santas into the fields. I had no idea they turned them into chow.

You can see that? I thought you had arms to rise. Right, I forgot. Beautiful performance. God Santa gnaws on the arm of a deceased stand-up comedian Santa. It's for the best. It ain't half bad, I'll tell you that. Suddenly the kitchen door slams behind them.

Intellect Santa runs to it and jiggles the handle. It's locked! It's locked. She jiggles it again. It opens. Oops, no it wasn't. Well, I guess that's it for the scene. It's nothing personal.

Santa University starts recording in literally six minutes. Interior, Jingle Attic. 2002 Santa and too many DVD Santas examines a creaky old attic filled with signed headshots of either Bean or Dean Santa that no one wanted, but he mailed to everyone on their birthdays. 2002 Santa looks through them and discovers a hatchet covered in blood. She picks it up. Hmm. Think this is worth showing the detective?

Too many DVDs Santa completely steamrolls her. A DVD copy of Blade Runner 2049 sticking out of his back pocket. Have you seen Barton Fink? No. Oh. We can hear 2002 Santa's inner monologue as she sifts through an impossible number of headshots.

I've never watched Barton Fink. I'm never going We can hear 2002 Santa's inner monologue as she sifts through an impossible number of headshots. I've never watched Barton Fink. I'm never going to watch Barton Fink. Even if Barton Fink is good, everyone who has ever recommended it to me smells like salt and vinegar chips. Too many DVDs Santa persists, getting closer to her as she ignores him, as if that could possibly be the problem. No. Something interesting about Barton Fink is that it came out in 1991. 2002 Santa's eyes glaze over and a soft piano ballad

begins to play as her inner monologue begins to sing. Song, if another Cheeto finger dipshit tells me to watch Barton Fink on DVD

then so help me. I've never trusted men with two first names. A lot of good bonus content on the Blu-ray if you ever want to come over. The scene is mercifully cut short by a loud shot coming from downstairs, followed by another scream from Jack. Ah! Jingle Mansion Dining Room.

Everyone runs back into the Jingle Dining Room to find that Bean Dean Santa has also been killed. There's a hole in the ceiling from where the body fell, meaning it must have happened on the second floor. How many floors are in the mansion? Let's say six. The freshly killed Bean or Dean is now in a puddle of goop. It's a little funny to look at. Gal Santa looks on in horror.

That can't be possible! One of them has to live! Dean Santa appears in the climactic scene of Santa University! The big game. Detective Santa starts pacing with authority again, this time just walking on top of the corpses. Nevertheless, both Bean and Dean Santa are dead, and splitting up has not advanced the plot not even a little.

Who do you suspect, Detective Santa? Interesting you ask, Dan Santa. I'm Dan Santa. But first, we have to cut away to one more B-plot scene taking place in another area. Interior, Santa dog room. Dog Santa sits with Knife Santa.

Hello, Dog Santa. Dog Santa just sits there. What's he gonna do? He's just a dog. Cute dog. Nice guy. Hi, Sunny. Dog Santa, I wanted to apologize for how I behaved the other day. With the knife.

Dog Santa's just sitting there because he's a dog. Script note, dog's penis must be visible. Thank you. I totally understand. Silent treatment. It's like, I'm Knife Santa. That's scary. I didn't choose that for myself, but that's, you know,

it's kind of my lot in life. And sure, I see these other Santas and get jealous. I'd kill to be Peepy Santa or Dead Tooth Santa or a third stupid thing. But I'm Knife Santa. I got a knife. I'm sorry I pulled the knife on you. The dog stands as if he's going to say a line.

He goes to the mic. He's going to tell Knife Santa off. Man, this dog is going to tell him. Go, Sonny. Go, Sonny. The sound of Sonny. Go ahead, Sonny. This of Sunny. Go ahead, Sunny. This is it.

Sunny, do the line. Sunny, do the line. Sunny, you're blowing it. Sunny, you're blowing my seat. Sunny, this is the line. Sunny, do the line. Sunny, you got this. I can see the whites of his eyes.

Jesus Christ. Suddenly the dog remembers he's a dog, and while he does not look like shit, he cannot read. The dog explodes. Because the dog actor can't read, everyone boos him as he leaves the shop. I can't read.

What was that? Bad. All right, back to the jingle mansion. Detective Santa looks at the suspects with smug satisfaction. She knows exactly who did it, but this is a really long part where she doesn't say so for a while. If you start to lose interest, just think about the dog scene we just did.

That was fun. I know exactly who killed both Dean and Bean Santa. No one here lacks motive. Boring Santa raises his hand. I think it could be argued that I do. But there's only one Santa that could have committed the crime. The first Santa, either Bean or Dean, appears to have died of being drawn and quartered. At first I thought, arms where his eyes should be, Santa.

Arms where his eyes should be should put his eye arms in the air. Arms where his eyes should be, Santa. Arms where his eyes should be. Put his eye arms in the air. Note for all actors, everyone playing a suspicious Santa will need to come up with their own reason of why they are innocent. It is really hard to write these, and I overestimated my ability to do it, and I couldn't always think of a really good motive. So if you have to give a reason for why you're innocent, you know, just do it yourself. It couldn't have been me me i was masturbating on the

subway that's a good reason and who are you which santa uh arms where your eyes should be santa that's true arms where your eyes should be santa that reasoning is completely sound then what about scientist santa she's on a mission to cut down Santa's casualties, a decision brothers directly opposed. How would that make sense? I was doing science, and I couldn't

have done it. I'm good, not bad. I thought the exact thing. But then, okay, too many DVDs, Santa. Dean and Bean Santa were both outspoken about Burnett Miller being overrated. Who the hell is that? He's a patriotic filmmaker, not a nationalistic one.

Sounds boring. And it couldn't have been me. I was looking at the dog on the plexiglass ceiling. True enough. I considered that maybe goth Santa, but he's a flaccid waste. And then there's boring

Santa. But I love you. Really? No, but I'm tall. I couldn't have done it. I was busy bonking my tall head on different pipes and door frames. It's true. Dean is too sexy and tall and I have a crush on him pipes and door frames. It's true. Dean is too sexy and tall, and I have a crush on him to have done it.

And then I found this. She pulls aside a convenient curtain to reveal a lever and a sign that says pulling this lever will draw and quarter either Dean or Bean Santa instantly. But then again, whoever pulled the lever may not have known that it would happen if they had pulled it. That's ridiculous. The sign clearly states that pulling the lever would kill someone instantly. So who among us would do something so flagrant, so performative?

It's almost as if they wanted it to happen to either Dean or Bean Santa as revenge for what would have happened to them in 2002 if they hadn't escaped the death at Santa's penalty. Everyone turns to 2002 Santa. Oh yeah. It couldn't have been me. 2002 is the same number forwards and backwards. It's true. 2002 Santa couldn't have taken the risk of killing Dean or being Santa unless she was absolutely sure who it was. Or her cover as a fugitive would have been blown. So someone saw the sign and decided to ignore it. Unless... She paces back and forth.

That Santa couldn't read it. I don't think that was the proper use of unless. I don't know where his eyes should be, Santa. Re-enters the room with a large, heavy bag with a corpse in it. Gal Santa panics. What's that? Oh, sorry. I just found this in the back shed.

I thought we could snack on it. He dumps Doom Delp's corpse out of the bag. Everyone laughs. Ah! Oh, that's very thoughtful of you. Go to the kitchen and cut him into triangles. This is a nice house, and we need to act accordingly. I am in love with you.

There's no time. She corners Dan Santa, who looks terrified. Dan Santa. Hi, I'm Dan Santa. He's got as good of a motive as anyone. Disagrees with the rules of Santa University, so knocking Dean Santa off would help. Intimidated by the raw sexual energy, Bean Santa radiated to the love interest in Santa University a movie that he... Detective Santa looked right into the camera.

Is the protagonist of... Arms Where His Eyes Should Be Santa reenters with the chopped up doomed elf, and everyone snacks on his remains throughout the remainder into the camera. It's the protagonist of. Arms where his eyes should be, Santa reenters with the chopped up doomed elf, and everyone snacks on his remains throughout the remainder of the scene. Remember his sex scene earlier? Gross. Suddenly, it's starting to make sense. And then I thought of either Dean or Bean Santa's final words. Don't do it. It hurts! And I bleed! Maybe that wasn't what

he said at all. Maybe Dean or Bean Santa was announcing his killer! And that killer looked like shit. And couldn't even read. God Santa leans over to Dan Santa, concerned.

Dan Santa, did you commit the Santa murder? I'm starting to think I'm guilty as hell. God Santa looks disappointed, then perks up. I guess that's okay. It seems like a strange thing for us to harp on when we all commit multiple murders a day. That being part of the premise of the movie. I'm in love with you. No, you're not.

Oh, right. I forgot. You committed the murders, Dan Santa. How could you? I am Scientist Santa. Detective Santa is very pleased with herself. It was you, Dan Santa. You killed both Bean and... Stop the wedding!

Glory Hole Santa enters for the first time. He is visibly covered in the common blood of both Bean and Bean Santa. In whichever order that ended up shaking out. And as the face of a man who hasn't seen the light of day in years, Detective Santa is shocked. Dan Santa didn't kill both Bean and Dean Santa. I don't know. A strong case was made. That's right.

It was me. Damn, I thought it was me. Everyone looks at Detective Santa. She and Dan Santa are clearly the only people in the room who are surprised at this reveal. I... It couldn't have been you, glory hole Santa. You were in the room who are surprised at this reveal. I... It couldn't have been you, Glory Hole Santa.

You were in the Glory Hole, the Glory Hole time! Detective Santa pauses for laughs, but no one gets it. Intellect Santa steps forward. It was Glory Hole Santa? You knew? Intellect Santa gestures to everyone dramatically, knocking over a glass, but she plays

it off, okay? Duh, we all knew. I didn't. Except for Dan Santa, who's too stupid to be included. Oh. I've been planning it for years. We see what he's describing as he does. I don't have time to get specific right now. We start recording Santa University in one hour.

Ah, suck the Santa University administration off day in and day out for generations. Cowardly Santas who were too afraid of dying in a horrifying and unnecessary way to even unroll in their own school. Don't talk about my father that way! That is true! You're right, and I'm glad he's dead.

Continue. And one day, when Dean Santa shot a student at his office for saying dingle class instead of jingle class, I decided I'd had enough. Why did you hate Bean Santa? Because he took away my dental insurance. And that's the insurance that Glory Hole Santa needs the most.

So I hatched an egg. A plan? No, an egg. And that egg grew up to be... He looks to Boring Santa, who gives up the ruse and rushes to embrace his cum-stained daddy. Daddy. This can't be!

I still think I did it, though. And as my son grew up to become an aspiring Santa himself, I had him use his newfound charisma as a tall, reasonably symmetrical man. I wouldn't say charismatic, But there is something about him. To recruit other students to carry out my plan and create the distraction of a vaguely themed dinner in order to give me the time to murder the brothers. They were all in on it.

Except, as I stated, Dan Santa, who was never gonna cut out. Everyone talks among themselves for a second. Did that make sense? Was there a plot hole that makes this completely infeasible? Point out what you think is flimsiest about the conclusion. I think it worked out okay, hearing it all out in a row, and I'm relieved. Wow, I'm, like, innocent as hell. I think that solves your case, Detective Santa.

And by the way, the joke's on you. Prison makes me horny! My man, you are next level! Detective Santa looks around at all the plotting Santas. Gal looks at her father's corpse. I honestly didn't think killing him would be permanent, as he is in the climactic scene of Santa University. That being the big game,

oh well, maybe I can hire a task rabbit to replace him. Glory Hole Santa and Boring Santa are doing a complicated father-son handshake when Detective Santa approaches him. Glory Hole Santa, that still doesn't answer one question. Why am I here? I was waiting for you to ask, Marie! Detective Santa is shocked. Another twist? How did he know her non-Santa name?

Glory Hole Santa wipes the cum and blood from his face. There's a lot of it. It takes several minutes. Intellect Santa happened to have some wet naps on her, which moves the process along a little. After about six minutes, Detective Santa gasps with recognition. Glory Hole? My brother?

I thought you died in the- Glory Hole Santa hugs her. The jingle wars, I know. But I escaped Marie. And I started a new life for myself in the Glory Hole. Auntie. Detective Santa thinks about it for a second. She has sex with him.

You knew I was your aunt? Let's get away from here, Maria. Boring Santa. Scientist Santa is building a new society away from here. And everyone is invited except for the four characters from Santa University who are in the remainder of the movie.

Oh, shit. Everyone is happy and heads for the door, stepping over Dean, Bean and the cops' corpses. Before they can exit, cool Santa, remember him? He's appeared in Santa University in 2017 and 2018 as Gal Santa's jock boyfriend. Hey, Gal Santa, check this out. He takes

out a flamethrower and torches everyone in the scene. Who isn't Dan Santa, Gal Santa, Intellect Santa, or Ga Santa. They all die instantly. I lived. It does appear that the massive amounts of cum have preserved Glory Hole Santa. However, he is torched a second time and dies immediately. The gang is horrified, and Cool Santa is thrilled.

How'd you like that, Gal Santa? I cannot articulate my feelings, and so I do shit like that. Cool Santa, I... From the rebel, either Dean or Bean Santa sits straight up. I forgot, I'm in the final scene. He gets up and dusts himself off. Get back to class, kids. Oh no, I'm late for jingle class.

Dan Santa, you are wild. The whole gang sings the theme to Santa University The ghosts of the characters we have come to know and love Or at least sort of recognize the names of at this point Soar to heaven Let's all sing it together, gang Santa, Santa, Santa University Santa, Santa, Santa University

Every year Santa's come here Even though it means they may die. But just because it might cost your life doesn't mean you shouldn't try. You'd think there'd be a better vetting system, but there's not. Betray your friends and bring your own knife, or my name isn't Goth. You'd think it would be easier to have more than one Santa guy and you'd be right and the job is too much which is why all Santas die

relatively fast. Getting paid to do a bad job twice is the ultimate scam. Fuck you, I'm God! All the characters who were killed by the flamethrower sing in unison. You'll never see these characters again. We're at Santa, Santa, Santa University.

Santa, Santa, Santa University. Santa, Santa, Santa University. You can listen on your... Oh, and that's Santa University 3. Thank you guys so much. Oh, man. I'll be taking notes.

I'm still not sure if that made any sense, but thank you everyone for the beautiful performances and Merry Christmas, Zeitgang. Merry Christmas, Zeitgang. Merry Christmas, Zeitgang. Or whatever Mary laying on your couch doing.

Happy Holidays. Merry Holidays. Praise Christ. As long as it's religious, we support you.