The Daily - 'Animal,' Episode 4: Ferrets

Episode Date: June 23, 2024

In a broken world, what can we gain by looking another animal in the eye? "Animal" is a six-part, round-the-world journey in search of an answer. In Episode 4, the writer Sam Anderson soothes his anxiety by visiting a convention center in Ohio.For photos and videos of Sam's adventure trip to Ohio, visit nytimes.com/animal.

Hey, it's Michael. Today we have something really special for you, a blissful break from the news. It's a new series from NYT Audio called Animal. My colleague Sam Anderson from the Times Magazine traveled the world to have encounters with animals, not to claim them or to tame them, but just to appreciate them. Not to claim them or to tame them, but just to appreciate them. Each episode is a journey to get closer to a creature that Sam loves. For the next six weeks, we'll be running this limited series every Sunday here on The Daily Feed. But if you want to hear all the episodes right now, you can search for it wherever you get your podcasts.

Today, episode four. Hope you like it. Where are we? Is this actually where? Yeah, I think we're here. This looks pretty sketchy. Turn right into the parking lot, then arrive at your destination. here this looks pretty sketchy turn right into the parking lot then arrive at your destination what what do you see that license plate the license plate says ferret what what what what are you pointing at you get oh my god that license plate says i love my ferrets ah it's happening my people okay let's go check in. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm a middle-aged man.

My life is dull and soft. I'm basically a human butter knife. But there's one thing that instantly fills me with joy. Giddy, squeaky, childlike joy. We found my people. They're loading up a cart full of, like, ferret products. From the New York Times, I'm Sam Anderson. This is Animal.

Episode 4, Ferrets. How many ferrets were in that van? I saw... Oh, we're not done yet. How many ferrets were in that van? Oh, we're not done yet. It's August, and I've just arrived with my colleague Crystal Duhaime in Columbus, Ohio, which at this moment happens to be the most ferrety place in America. People come from all around. I came from Minnesota.

Because ferret enthusiasts from all over the country are pouring in for one of the major stops on the national ferret circuit. A competition called the Ferret Buckeye Bash. Basically, imagine the prestige of the Westminster Dog Show. But instead of beagles and Pomeranians, it's just hundreds of ferrets. I'm sorry, this is a rolling tower of ferrets. As we're standing in the lobby of the official competition hotel, a woman walks in, rolling a luggage cart stacked with cages. There's four in here, two in here, three in there.

There's brown ferrets, albino ferrets, ferrets lounging around in miniature hammocks and snuggled up in comfy little beds. This is Phineas Weaselton. He's really long. Did you say Phineas Weaselton? And before I know it, I'm helping her and her ferret friends unload. A ferret, for anyone who doesn't know, is basically a weasel. It's long and tubular, sort of like a badger crossed with a snake, but also crossed with a teddy bear.

What am I seeing in the cage that these ferrets are eating? Every raw meat. Well, this is salad and chewies over here. Some of the cages we're unloading are littered with bones and carcasses of, like, whole dead birds. Why is this ferret bald? They have adrenal disease, which is common, especially in martial ferrets. This might be the place to mention that ferrets can be pretty polarizing pets. People who love them, like me, really love them. And people who don't love them, which is probably most of humanity, really do not love them.

Wait, what happens if I put my fingers in that bottom cage? He will probably bite you. To the bone. To the bone? What? The word ferret comes from the Latin for little thief. They were domesticated basically yesterday, historically speaking, around 2,500 years ago. Just for reference, dogs were domesticated more like 20,000 years ago.

And ferrets were mainly used to hunt rodents and rabbits. They have sharp claws and oily fur and glands that make them smell weird and also extremely strong jaws, which they are not at all afraid to use. In fact, this is part of why ferrets are actually illegal to keep as pets in a couple of states. But in spite of all that, I have loved ferrets my whole life. As a kid growing up in Oregon, I desperately wanted one. They were at all the pet stores I went to. And I'd go running past the gerbils and hamsters and parakeets and just stand there with the ferrets,

communing for as long as I could, letting them bite my fingers through the cage. But I was never allowed to take one home. And here's the thing. Unfulfilled childhood dreams, they don't just die. I feel like I might go home this weekend with some ferrets. They follow you around and scratch at you and burrow a hole deep into your heart. We'll see you guys around. Hey, how are you?

Are you guys checking in? Yeah. Which is why I've come all the way here to the official hotel of the Ferret Buckeye Bash. All right, cool. You guys have a good weekend. Thank you so much. Where are we?

Because this hotel is filling up fast with chaotic ferrets and ferret people. All the way down here. One of whom has agreed to help fulfill my childhood dream by initiating me into the ferret lifestyle. Hello. Hey. Please come in.

Oh, look at this guy. Hi. This is Millie Mildred. Hi. Look at this lady. But the first ferret we meet is actually a large dog. I'm sorry. Yeah, I just adopted her on Tuesday, so we're still kind of getting to know each other. Whoa. Hey, I'm Sam. Hi, I'm Erin. Erin Ehrman just drove here from upstate New York, many hours in her tiny car with not only Millie, her newly adopted dog,

but also her friend Karen and of course her ferrets, whose cages are now wedged around the room. There's one by the microwave, one by the coffee maker. Well, should we meet some buddies? Yeah, you can. This is Erin's first time competing in the Buckeye Bash. Genesis looks exactly like the ferret of my childhood dreams. But she's gorgeous, right? Yeah. What a beauty. Here, Ashley, you want to hold her?

Uh-huh. Thanks, sweetie. Thanks, sweet ferret. She's so slithery. You know that classic thing they do in movies when they want to show something is beautiful? The shaft of heavenly light pouring down, angel choir singing.

Well, a majestic heavenly light is not worthy of Genesis. If you really wanted to signify the spectacular, otherworldly beauty of Genesis, you'd have to make a shaft of little Genesises pouring down from the sky. Genesis is really checking me out. I'm really being stared at. She's probably my favorite. Don't tell the others. Genesis is also the key to Aaron's ferret future because Aaron wants to breed ferrets. So if I could have like just a whole

line of ferrets that have her temperament and her structure, I'd be very happy with that. happy with that. She's such a sweet face. I know. So is she your big hope for the competition, Genesis? For him, he's just gonna show because he's gonna show. This is when we turn our attention to the other

competitor in the room. So this is Gooseberry. He is. Yeah, Gooseberry. The yin to Genesis So this is Gooseberry. He is Gooseberry. The yin to Genesis's yang. Goose. Born in March. Yeah, Mr. Goose. This ferret is light brown and weirdly small. But he's still a juvenile, so.

And where Genesis is calm and thoughtful and seems to be reciting poetry in her mind, Gooseberry is an absolute freak. Trying. He's trying his darndest to get out. He won't stop moving, thrashing around in circles, biting the bars of his cage. What are you doing, crazy? What are you doing with your claws? Gooseberry is of Hungarian descent, and at six months old, he's technically an adolescent hob, or in human terms, a teenaged male. Ow! Oh, you got me good.

You are a nut. Did he try to take a bite out of the mic? He grabbed the mic with his paw. Mine. What kind of animal acts like this? A ferret. As Gooseberry works on destroying his cage, there's a knock on the door.

This is just chaos everywhere. Sorry, we'll be quick. I know you're not. Hi, no problem. Okay, so here's your baby's paperwork. It's a ferret delivery i had no idea you could get a ferret delivered like a pizza okay so this is the first time i'm meeting this guy oh my gosh hey buddy oh you have a pretty head Yes you do

He is a beauty He is a beauty right Oh yeah oh gentle Very nice Very sweet boy He's biting you sweetly Yeah Why are you into ferrets when did you first

Encounter a ferret Um Okay so I grew up in california and they're not legal there so i didn't actually come into contact with a ferret until i was an adult and moved out of california i didn't hold one until 2019 and the first one i held was mr groot groot and i had to i had to have him. As soon as I held him, I just kind of knew that's what I wanted. I don't know how else to explain it.

Some people say that there's like a dog-shaped hole in their heart or a cat-shaped hole, so I guess it would be like a ferret-shaped hole. A ferret would get right into that hole. Exactly. Absolutely. I also have a ferret-shaped hole. And a ferret would get right into that hole. Exactly. Absolutely. I also have a ferret-shaped hole in my heart. My childhood was kind of chaotic. There was a divorce and a bunch of step-parents,

and we always seemed to be moving, including a big move from Oregon to California, where ferrets are illegal. And so every summer when I'd go back up to Oregon to live with my dad, I would see the ferrets in the pet stores and I would beg him to get me one. And he would say, no. And in my little tiny child mind, everything would have been fine if I could have just had a pet ferret.

I think they're grounding for me. Grounding. Which is ironic because they're very crazy, right? They're kind of off the wall. But it's like you really have to be there with them. Yeah, you have to be in the moment. Yeah, they're very in the present moment. I do have a hard time being in the moment myself.

Like, I'm usually thinking about either the past or the future, and I miss the moment. But not with them. You have to be in the moment with them. They demand it. So, he's being silly, isn't he? He turned himself upside down and bit the bar. It's like hanging upside down from it. A ferret is a paradox. It's so chaotic that it wraps all the way around into zen. Absolute chaos forces absolute presence. And so tomorrow, when I am immersed in hundreds of squiggly wiggly ferrets at this show, I'm going to be so freaking present.

I might be fully in the moment for the first time in my whole life. All right, we should let everyone get to bed. Thank you so much for letting us hang in the hotel room. And who knows what could happen then. I might have to figure out how to get eight ferrets sleeping hammocks onto the airplane home and a bunch of dead birds for them to snack on. Oh, amazing. Thanks for coffee. oh he brings her coffee a breakfast sandwich too oh thank you aaron how do you not have a ferret vanity license plate i know i i really if i get a um suv or a wagon i want to call it the woozle

wagon and like have that on the back of it as a decal and then like woozle one as the license plate. The next morning, we meet Aaron in a parking lot at the Ohio State Fairgrounds. Oh, I just noticed your earrings. Those are great. Aaron is all decked out in ferret gear. Earrings, t-shirt, purple ferret boots. Hey Genesis, today's your big day. Today's the day where you win

genesis is looking glorious yeah she looks even prettier this morning than she did last night now you can see her in the full light yeah really look how clean and perfect she is gooseberry you is also there i can't even talk to you I know he's very calm this morning he's in game shape oh no there he goes oh yeah that's gonna happen there he goes all right let's get checked in we are a real parade of animals heading toward the hall Aaron carries gooseberry I carry, and Aaron's friend Karen is walking Millie the dog. How are you? Are we going in that way?

That way. But it turns out, we're actually too many animals. You know no animals are allowed in here. Dogs are allowed in. No dogs are allowed in. Oh. That's pretty obvious. You can't have a dog in this ferret show hall.

Sorry. What are you going to do with him then? The woman in charge of the ferret show, Scarlett, is saying that Millie has to go. That will set all the ferrets off. Okay. We don't want them biting the judge. And as we're standing there clutching our animals, Go ahead.

You can go. the line behind us starts to back up. Do you know how many ferrets in there don't even know what a dog is? And you know how good their smelling is? Go ahead. You can go. The line behind us starts to back up. Do you know how many ferrets in there don't even know what a dog is? And you know how good their smelling is? And I am finding this extremely stressful. So it sets them off. You need me to do it? I'll do it.

This is your gig. This is what you do. That's when Erin's friend Karen very stoically announces that she is going to walk Millie back to the hotel. Nine miles. Halfway across Columbus, Ohio with this dog she just met. And she takes the leash and just heads off. Okay, where are we? Where did you say we were? Jamie's like, I'm over somewhere. So with the dog gone

and feeling slightly shell-shocked, we are finally allowed to enter the hall where we meet up with some of Aaron's ferret friends. This is Roy. Hello. Nice to meet you guys. Hi, Crystal. Do you feel bad at all about getting yelled at by Scarlet on your way in the door? No. Because I have no idea what's going on. Everybody will be yelled at by Scarlet. Everybody. Yeah. It's like a it's just a thing. Just wait

your turn. So she's famous for this. Yeah. Oh yeah. She's really nice. She's just very aggressive. Oh, interesting. Yeah. You just kind of have to take it and keep going. That's kind of perfect because ferret owners are the people who can do that the best, right? Yeah. They actually all take it very well. Yeah. I just nod and smile because I really don't know what the hell is going on.

So, yeah. You seem, I have to say, you seem existing like in a level of sort of chaos I do yeah oh you seem chill and stuff's going on all around you don't quite know what's going on and probably because I took my anxiety meds today so that's good okay um I take Lexapro so it's like yeah yes i had to get mine increased recently actually um so i'm i'm good now i'm good how many milligrams are we talking a 20 milligram okay i'm on 10 good good times yeah you do seem very chill though like getting yelled at about your dog you're fine it is what it is she's yelling at us about the line nobody's going ahead of us it's fine i think that as i get older i just care less so that that has something to do with it

there is that about getting older that i like i felt that in my 30s for sure yeah just kind of okay now i'm in my 40s i'm like hardly even present on this earth. It's like a floating consciousness, unaffected by everything around me. So, okay, what's the plan now? I don't know. I think they start judging at 10, so... Oh, really? I think so. Probably waiting.

Oh, a schedule. Okay. There are so many ferret categories, just blizzards of categories and subcategories. But there's really only one that matters to us. The big one that Genesis will compete in. Breeder. Breeder. That's her. Three to six.

Three to six. It's going to be a long day. I know. Which means I have approximately seven hours to marinate in ferrets and try out the whole ferret lifestyle. So we're just walking around, kind of getting the scene and interviewing people. Hey, how's it going? Good, how are you doing? Hey, how you doing? And as I start talking to ferret owners...

What was it like about a ferret? Was there something that appealed to you? What becomes clear is that... I feel like, oh, these are kind of my people. Ferret people are their own special breed. It's always good to get together with a group of ferret people. And everybody's so kind. Anyone can own a cat or a dog. She has ferrets on her shoes.

She's got so many ferret pins on her hat. But ferret owners take things to a whole different level. I've had ferrets since 97. 86. That was my first ferret in 1982. And then after that I got more, of course, because there's ferret math, as you can ask any of these guys. You start out with one, you end up with many. I came home with 27 ferrets when I was only going to come home with three.

20. That's low for me. They're really cute and they're fun to play with. Seven ferrets. When I was only going to come home with three. Twenty. That's low for me. They're really cute and they're fun to play with. He just came up to me and he was just loving and just really cute. I started playing with Muskie for ten minutes and I absolutely fell in love. The love ferret people have for their ferrets. I love my little golden nuggets. It is a special love that can lead to some pretty wild situations.

I set up a baby pool. Like filling a pool with cool whip. And the next thing you know, we let the ferrets go. And this cool whip. Of course, some of them just lit. But after a while, you've seen them coming up through the cool

whip and down through the cool whip. It was chaos. It was absolute chaos. So are you all judges? Yeah, we're board members, past presidents. She's current treasurer, and I'm in charge of shit. At one end of the hall, up on a stage, sit two official-looking women, Sally Heber and Vicki McKimmy.

And today you're judging. Yeah, we're judging. They've been working together in the ferret world since the 1990s, and their official duties have taken them all over the place. Japan, Australia, Germany. Flights paid. Hotels paid. We helped folks in Japan set up their organization. Sally and Vicki helped establish the American Ferret Association's official judging criteria. We wrote the standard in a perspective of what did nature mean it to be. And it gets pretty detailed.

So what we're looking for is... They're looking at every little bit from snout to tail. ...structure of the ferret, so we're actually feeling all the bones. And then we go into the muscle mass. This is very important. Hundreds of ferrets will pass through the expert hands of Sally and Vicki today, including Aaron's ferrets, Genesis and Gooseberry. What's the rules on biting? DQ'd.

Disqualified. If they puncture, draw blood, they're out of here for all three judges, regardless if the other judges have seen them or not. This is a long day for you. Long, focused day. Is it exhausting? Yes, it is. The pool at the hotel closes at 9.

I want to be back there to get back in the hot tub. My wife is calling me. Yes. All right, well well have fun. Judges, to the stage. We do this as a blind showing if you've never been here before, so therefore the judges do not know who is bringing their parents up to be seen. And then Genesis is up.

I have no idea. Yeah, because they're running behind, so I don't even know anymore. I am a little concerned because I have an appointment to get to at 7.30 today, so I don't know what I'm going to do. At what time? 7.30? Yeah. In the middle of all this, I gotta go get a car. Erin tells me that she has decided

to buy a car today. I acquired another ferret while I was here, so and then I was thinking to myself, where is it going to go? I hadn't thought that far to be honest with you, and that's a little embarrassing uh but i figured it out and you had not planned this when you left new york no it was i mean it was

in the it was on the back of my mind my car is almost old enough to vote it has a giant rust hole in the side and i still cannot bring myself to buy a new one. What kind of car are you getting? It's a Hyundai Santa Fe Sport 2013. This has already been by far the most ferret-y day of my life. And yet, as the hours crawl by, one, go. It keeps getting exponentially more ferrety. We watch a tube race. It's going backwards. And then an Elvis contest.

Oh, they're weighing. To see who has the fattest ferret. Look at the big belly. You're being funny too. Look at the big belly. And then we peruse the infinite merch tables. Are you going to buy any merch? So many t-shirts to choose from. And then we peruse the infinite merch tables. You gonna buy any merch?

So many t-shirts to choose from. I'm definitely gonna buy a shirt. I think I'm gonna buy the introverted but willing to discuss ferrets. There's a black shirt that says, Ferret hair? Don't care. It's covered with little white lines that looks like actual ferret hair. There's another shirt that says, unless you're a ferret, please get away from me. That's the one you should get, revenge of the ferret. By late afternoon,

Things are so far behind schedule that the schedule might as well not have existed. And I've reached a point I didn't think was possible. I feel like I'm going ferret blind. Like I can't see ferrets anymore. I've seen so many ferrets. That's a lot. I've maybe had my fill of ferrets. That's a lot. I've maybe had my fill of ferrets. But that doesn't stop Erin from trying to sell me one of her future ferret babies.

So you're ready now? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe next season. Yeah, I'm scared to get a ferret. Why? Maybe I'm not up to it. All the energy it takes and all the like

because i get like you know anxious and like overwhelmed and like depressed and then what if and then this ferret needs me and then okay so i get anxious and overwhelmed and depressed too and they help remember we we take the same pills yeah just different dosage um and the way that you handle and you look at genesis i think you'd be a good ferret dad if you want but now if you get one you know you got to get three three's the magic number i thought two was kind of the magic no because two is harder because then they'll bond together maybe and then if one of them, the other one gets really sad and it dies shortly thereafter. So if you have three, it's just a better life. Huh. Yeah, I would say three.

Three is like having one, but better. Looks like we're ready for the Breeder of Jills. It's time. Is it time? Breeder of Jills. Finally, it's time for Genesis to be crowned the greatest ferret ever to live on planet Earth. We head to the stage where Sally and Vicky are working their way down the line. Number?

613. Hey, kitty. And then they get to Genesis. Here goes our girl. Oh, my God. What do you have? I'm going to get out of here. She's a little squirmy. She's got a giggle. I don't know if that's good or bad.

Easy, easy, easy. Don't get all excited. It's all fine and good. There's like a maraca portion of the judging. And a rubber duck portion. Don't give him squeakies. Like she responded well to the duck.

That's like silk. I know, her fur is gorgeous. As we wait for the scores to be tallied, for the finalists to be called up... It's like Erin is over there getting all packed up. I see Erin leaving the hall. Yeah, there she goes. She's coming back after she gets her new car. It's the plan.

This means I am in charge now. We are ready for callbacks for Greeter. 501, 503, 506, 507, 507. 501, 503, 506, 507. I'm standing clenching my sweaty fists as the announcer calls back all the ferrets that have placed in Genesis' category. Genesis' number is 613. 609, 611, and 612. But they never call it.

Genesis wins nothing. Yeah, I feel too blasted to talk to anybody. And I actually feel crushed. I got all swept up in the rush of competition, and now my nervous system feels like a dirty old wrung-out sponge. By this point, we've been here almost 12 hours. Things are running so late that the guy who rented out the hall is standing in the doorway looking furious with his keys in his hand. The vendors and breeders are all scrambling,

packing their merch and breaking down tables. One of the winning ferrets gets her foot stuck in the trophy. She doesn't like that. And the whole thing is ending in a crescendo of ferret chaos. All right, we got a loose ferret. Did somebody pick it up? Yes. But someone needs to identify it.

And yet, somehow, there is still one last category left to judge. It's called Passport for ferrets with foreign ancestry. Which means Gooseberry, our Hungarian ferret,

will be the last chance to win anything. But Aaron is still gone. It's just me and Goose. And I really want the two of us to get a win. So I open his carrier. I look at him. And he looks at me. Then he pops right out and nestles into my hands like he belongs there. Like he's been custom-shaped to fit my grip.

How's it going? Good. He's pretty chill. He's interested in my beard. He's definitely going to shoot out of my hands in a second here. Ow! Bit my arm. Vicky beckons us up to her table. She twists and turns Gooseberry in her hands. She looks in his mouth and his ears.

And he doesn't bite her or claw her. For once, he's actually a good boy. And then very matter-of-factly, she hands him back to me. Like he's my ferret. He's an attic so we've always meant to do something that's pretty big and what if he was be a really good place for a ferret yeah two or three ferrets they could really run around have their own space They wouldn't smell up the rest of the house. In eighth place, it's 905.

Vicki starts calling out the winners, countdown style. Fifth place is 405. Sixth place is 904. Fifth place is 101. It's happening. Fourth place is 901. Holy crap. Third place is 909.

That's you, little pig. Can I see 108 and 109? Sam has to show Gooseberry again to break a tie, I think. To the second place goes to 109. And first place, that's perfect. There you go. Second place. In the final competition of the Buckeye Bash,

Gooseberry, the world's most ferrety ferret, has won second place. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, buddy. I gotta get the jigsaw. I pick up my triumphant green ribbon. Did you get second? Awesome. And Gooseberry and I get our official Buckeye Bash photo.

Congratulations, guys. All right, thank you. Cool. Congratulations. Thank you. Cool. Congratulations. Thank you. We did it, buddy. I told you we'd do it. I told you coming into today, you were a star and a champion.

Is Aaron coming back? Just then, Aaron texts us a photo of her new car, a brown Hyundai with a giant yellow bow on it. Just then, Erin texts us a photo of her new car, a brown Hyundai with a giant yellow bow on it. It's big enough to fit her dog, her friend Karen, and all of her ferrets, at least for now. This guy got second place. And we text her back a photo of me with my ribbon holding Goose,

looking almost terrifyingly happy. Have says she'll be wrapped up with paperwork for a while and asks if I will take the ferrets back to the hotel which of course I'd love nothing more. Second place? Yeah we did. Holy crap look at you. When we meet Erin, I tell her everything. So that's all your ribbons. I have my ribbon. Yeah, I was going to say, you're going to give that one up? And then I reluctantly surrender my ribbon, which I was hoping she would let me keep. Thank you.

Thank you for doing that for me, for being there. My pleasure. What is that? He's tired and hungry. We all say goodbye. And when I leave, my ferrets stay behind. This episode was produced by Crystal Duhaime and Larissa Anderson with help from Caitlin Roberts. It was reported by me, Sam Anderson, and edited by Wendy Doerr and Larissa Anderson, with help from Caitlin Roberts. It was reported by me, Sam Anderson, and edited by Wendy Dorr and Larissa Anderson.

It was engineered by Marion Lozano. Our executive producer is Paula Schumann. Original music by Marion Lozano, Dan Powell, and Alisha Ba'itup. Fact-checking by Caitlin Love. Special thanks to Jake Silverstein, Sasha Weiss, and Sam Dolnick. Also to all the ferret people who showed me their ways. Scarlet Grace Sailing, Sally Heber, Vicki McKimmy, and all the many others I met at the bash and at the hotel bar who told me that ferrets don't actually smell that bad and I should just get one.

who told me that ferrets don't actually smell that bad and I should just get one. Aaron Ehrman now runs Sugar and Spice Ferretry, and I am happy to report that last summer, Genesis gave birth to a litter of 10 gorgeous kits. The father was Gooseberry. You can listen to all of our episodes wherever you get podcasts, or visit our website at nytimes.com slash animal. I'm Sam Anderson. Thanks for listening.