The Daily - Tilly Remembers Her Grandfather

Episode Date: May 1, 2020

Climbing on the roof to look at stars in the middle of summer. Making French toast and popcorn. Kind eyes. These are some of the memories 12-year-old Tilly Breimhorst has of her grandfather, Craig. Today, we talk to her about how she is processing sadness, anger and grief after losing him to coronavirus. For more information on today’s episode, visit nytimes.com/thedaily. Background reading: In personal and profound ways, the coronavirus crisis has created a sense of collective loss. Here are some ways to grieve.

I am recording and it is working. Hey, Tilly. Hi. Hey, how are you? I'm doing okay. Tilly, what is that in your hand? It looks like either a blanket or a stuffed animal. It's a blanket.

Oh, what does it say on it? It says powered by pizza. And does it look like it has an image of pepperoni pizza on it? Is that what I'm glimpsing? Yeah. Pepperoni. That's pretty great. Well, Tilly, I really want to thank you for

getting on the phone with us, or I guess this Google Hangout with us. And I wonder if you could tell me your full name and how old you are. Matilda Rose Brimhorst. And then I am 12. Mm-hmm.

And I just want to start with a very simple question. How have you been feeling this past week? I'm kind of in and out of moods, usually. The two moods that I'm mostly in are sad and angry. And why do you think that you're sad and angry? What about? I don't know. I feel like we're sad and angry because I think angry more that it's not fair that he's gone. And I feel like sad is really, we're sad that he's gone and sad that we're being sad. From the New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro. This is The Daily.

This is The Daily. More than 50,000 Americans have died from the coronavirus. One of them was Craig Breimhorst. Today, his granddaughter remembers him. It's Friday, May 1st. I wonder if you could tell me a little bit about your grandfather. How would you describe your grandfather physically? What did he look like?

What would he wear? Those kinds of things. Well, he'd wear pastor clothes and stuff. Was he a pastor? Yes, he was a pastor. He used to be a mailman, and then he didn't really like that job. And he had, like, white hair, and then the mustache that goes right into the beard. And when I was little, I'd play with his beard because it just felt so interesting touching it with my hands.

What do you mean? It felt all rough and scrapey, but not too scrapey. He'd wear glasses. And sometimes I stole his glasses. And he's like, Joey, bring them back. And like, whenever I walked into the house, he'd just be like, ho-dee-ho. I don't know where that came from, but just, it's always something he said. Ho-dee-ho.

Ho-dee-ho. It's more interesting than hello. Yeah. Did he have any kind of nickname for you? Tilly B was my one. Tilly B. Yeah, because her rhyme course, they just called me Tilly B and it kind of just rhymes. Wait, which part rhymes?

Tilly and then B. It's just kind of like, it just goes together. Hmm. Tilly B. Tilly B. It's just kind of like, it just goes together. Tilly B. Yeah. And then he'd always make me happy. I'd never like really get upset around him unless I was hurt. Unless you were hurt, you said.

Yeah, because we did all sorts of crazy things. Wait, now I need to understand some of the crazy things you did with him. Um, well, he'd take me out on the roof once we brought sleeping bags on the roof. The roof of your house? No, my grandpa's house. But we didn't tell my dad about it until afterwards. Wow.

It sounds like he has a slightly mischievous quality to him. Yeah. Can you tell me about that? What was that like? Well, it would usually be like the middle of summer. And we'd grab the step ladder and open the window, pull up the screen, climb up onto the edge of the roof, up to our special spot. the edge of the roof up to our special spot. Just laid there on the roof.

And we just looked at the stars and talked for a while. What kinds of things would your grandfather say? Um, here Tilly, let's look for the Big Dipper, maybe the Milky Way if we're lucky, and Mars. And I'd be like, wait, but isn't Mars a planet, not a star? You would just be like, but we can see it as a red star, kind of. The stars were really bright, and it was really warm outside and it was beautiful. How often would you see your grandfather? We wouldn't see him like every single weekend, but like we'd see him a lot.

He'd like come to my school and he'd sit in the lunchroom with me. Wow. He would just show up? Did he announce himself? Was it unexpected? He would never tell me that he was coming. And he'd just be waiting for me right next to the lunchroom door, just waiting for me. And then I'd just look around for him every time. He'd sit right next to me and I'd have my lunchbox and he'd kind of just pick out things from it. Sometimes he'd take my chips and I'd be like, Papa! He'd talk to my friends. He'd talk about like all these fun things.

Like all his stories about like going to Tanzania and all sorts of things. And what would you think when you saw him? I think I'd be proud. I'd be proud that my grandpa comes to my school a lot to just eat lunch with me and tell my friends all these stories. He was just there right when I needed it. Which made me feel really nice. Yeah, I don't know a lot of grandpas or grandmas who do that. It's really special.

Yeah. So, I want you to tell me, if you're willing, the story of the last few weeks and what happened with your grandfather. Yeah. And I wonder, I don't know where you think we should start. I think we should start from the beginning. Mm-hmm. So Papa and my grandma went to the Holy Lambs. He wanted to take his church group there.

So they went to the Middle East. Yeah. Where baby Jesus was like born and like that's sort of the place. And then they got like this morning there, an outbreak has started here of the coronavirus. And so when they come back back they were straight into quarantine but right when they came back papa started getting like really ill he had high fever really high fever and in my mind at first when he was home i was like oh he's fine he'll he'll get through this he's strong but then he got worse and worse and i was like oh no it's gonna happen i was just

kind of in a worried state but like not like a oh my gosh i'm really really sad that's what they until like a couple weeks later he just couldn't do it and he got lifted to the hospital here and tilly were you talking to him during this time? No, I didn't get to talk to him at all. I mean, he sent me letters, but I don't know if he even got to read those. I remember, so when I heard about that he was put in the hospital, because it got worse, mom was like, do you want to sleep with one of his shirts? Hmm.

I was like, yeah. So, she brought me this shirt. It was just like a greenish brown t-shirt. Were you wearing it, or was it just beside you? I was wearing it. Hmm. It felt, like, really, really big on me. It's kind of like cold, but it felt really soothing to wear it though.

I wanted to feel like I was close to him. I was giving him a hug. I thought about him the whole night. I prayed that he would make it through, that he wouldn't have to go. But my prayer really didn't come true. Because he had a stroke during the night from a heart disease that he had. And that made it super worse. And even if we did get him back, he wouldn't actually, like, his body would be there, but he wouldn't be there. He couldn't do anything. He couldn't talk.

He couldn't do the things that made him him. And how did you learn the news? Mom got a call. And then I looked at her and I said, worry, so I kind of just did stuff. And then Mommy told me what happened. And what did she tell you? She told me about the living world.

My grandma, my dad, and my uncles read it. Well, the doctor read it to them, that it said that if something happened, he wanted to go. He didn't want to have to suffer in this state. So your grandfather had written a will that made clear that if he got very sick and he'd reached a condition where things weren't working out, that he wanted to be allowed to die. Yeah. And he just wanted to go to heaven and be with God. Like he says, he wanted to fall in the arms of God. That's what he wrote. Yeah, he wanted to fall in the arms of God.

That's what he wrote. Yeah, he wants to fall in the arms of God. It's like a trust fall, really. Hmm. And I couldn't handle knowing that. I knew that he wouldn't be coming back. He wouldn't be with me anymore.

And that was hard to know. Mm-hmm. How are you holding up over there? I'm okay. It's hard talking about it, but it also makes me happy to talk about how great he was and what happened.

You know, I've lost my grandparents, too. It's one of the kind of sad, inevitable things that it means to be alive, is that the people before you die, and it's just really hard. Yeah. It is really hard. Mm-hmm. I want you to know you're being very brave in telling this story.

I know how difficult it must be. Thank you. We'll be right back. can I ask you to describe sadness to me um what that feels like I feel like it's hard sadness is probably like a hard one for me happiness I could do easily but like sadness is kind of hard why is happiness easy and why is sadness hard do you think um I don't know I mean sadness is an emotion that is kind of like more like deeper and it's kind of like a big big emotion happiness can be big but not as much as sadness there's a depth to it that makes it hard to describe yeah i kind of feel like sadness is like just an ocean filled with nothing. Mm-hmm. Have you noticed that the people around you, your parents,

that they are sad too? Yeah. So my dad will go outside a lot. You can tell that he's getting angry and he's really short tempered. At that point, mom will kind of just stay in her office, not really doing anything,

but she'll just sit around. Like I've seen mom try to keep crying to herself and dad too, but I can see it. I mean, try to, they're trying to shield it from you. Yeah. But I can still feel it. Do you wish that they would just do it in it from you. Yeah. But I can still feel it.

Do you wish that they would just do it in front of you? Yeah, I do. And why do you think they should do it more out in the open? I kind of feel like it helps me understand my emotions as well. Like, how they feel do i feel that it kind of gives you permission to feel the way you feel yeah like when i was talking to my dad about papa he started crying and i started crying and then we just hugged and it was nice you, a lot of kids are going through what you're going through right now because of this virus. And a lot of adults are going through this.

I wonder how that makes you feel. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. And it also kind of makes me feel a bit angry about how they still haven't figured out how this started i want to know so i could figure out like how it wouldn't happen again like was it a cause of a human that did it was the cause of an animal was it kind of both and if it turns out this is just something that nature and the universe gave us and it wasn't somebody who did something, how would you feel about that? I'd be mad at the universe. Hmm.

someone they care about or they love passes away, they end up looking for that person in the world or they end up thinking about that person unexpectedly. Yeah. Thinking that maybe they're there or standing by you, that sort of thing. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I feel like Papa was by me a lot, but sometimes I feel like he's out there with other people and helping them through their bad moments. a very specific sense of my grandmother whenever this song comes on.

Because when I was around your age, she died. And a song was playing on the radio, and it was a song that made me feel sad, even though it was a love song. I don't know if you've ever heard this song. It's by Richard Barks, and it goes, wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right there waiting for you. And it always makes me think of my grandmother and her death whenever it comes on. And I wonder if you're having moments like that yet.

Yeah, I do have those type of moments, but kind of different than just a song. It's more of when I saw my grandma in her backyard because we went over just to the backyard. We weren't allowed to get close to anyone though. I felt like he, I felt like sad, but I also felt

kind of relieved that he is in peace now. He didn't have to deal with this bad virus. He doesn't have to feel pain or sadness or anything. Mm-hmm. Tilly, have you gone outside and looked up at the stars since your grandfather died? Um, only a little bit, but not much.

It's not the same without being at my grandma's house. Mm-hmm. Do you think that you will do that? Do you think there'll be a point when you'll want to do that? Yeah. We said when we're going to go over to Grandma's house, me, Daddy, and my big sister are going to go up onto the roof and just sit there looking at the stars.

Hmm. with the stars. Well, Tilly, I really want to thank you for spending time with us. And I want to tell you I'm sorry I am about the loss of your grandfather. Thank you. It was really good to talk to you.

Yeah. It feels good to talk to someone about it. It's good to talk. We'll be right back. Here's what else you need to know today. Here's what else you need to know today. The latest data from the Labor Department shows that more than 30 million Americans have filed for unemployment benefits since the start of the pandemic. But the Times reports that the real figure is probably much higher. A new study found that about 8 million more Americans have either failed or not even tried to apply for unemployment,

meaning that close to 40 million may now be unemployed. And President Trump is letting the federal guidelines for social distancing, which were put in place in mid-March, expire as of this morning. I think a way of saying it, they'll be fading out because now the governors are doing it. I've had many calls from governors, governor of Texas. During a meeting in the Oval Office, Trump said that responsibility for social distancing

would now fall to governors. I am very much in favor of what they're doing. They're getting it going. And we're opening our country again. Do you want to explain that, please? Finally. We are doing a lot of things here that we've never done before. But this is as ambitious as anything that we've ever undertaken.

In New York, officials said that the New York City subway system, the only system in the country that runs 24 hours a day, will now be shut down every night between 1 and 5 a.m. so that trains can be disinfected. We have the essential workers who we are so grateful to because they're coming to work every day. We all say thank you. But gratitude is best acted upon, right? I want to know that they have safe, clean, decent transportation. And that means we have to disinfect the trains every 24 hours. The subway has shut down just twice in the past decade,

both times when it was flooded during hurricanes. The Daily is made by Theo Balcom, Andy Mills, Lisa Tobin, Rachel Quester, Lindsay Garrison, Annie Brown, Claire Tennesketter, Paige Cowett, Michael Simon-Johnson, Thank you. Mark George, Luke Vanderploeg, Adiza Egan, Kelly Prime, Julia Longoria, Sindhu Yanasambandhan, MJ Davis-Lynn, Austin Mitchell, Sayer Kaveto, Nina Patuk, Dan Powell, Dave Shaw, Sydney Harper, Daniel Guimet, Hans Butow, Robert Jimison, Mike Benoit, Bianca Gaver, and Asta Chaturvedi. Our theme music is by Jim Brunberg

and Ben Landsberg of Wonderly. Special thanks to Sam Dolnick, Michaela Bouchard, Lauren Jackson, Julia Simon, Mahima Chablani, and Nora Keller. That's it for The Daily. I'm Michael Barbaro.

See you on Monday.