The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz - Hour 1: Catholic To Your Core

Episode Date: May 14, 2025

Our unapologetic catholic from Chicago, Jessica Smetana is here to give her thoughts on the first ever American Pope, tell us who is allowed to root for the New York Knicks, and reveal that her grandfather may have invented LSD. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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To support sustainable food production, BHP is building one of the world's largest hot ash mines in Canada. Essential resources responsibly produced. It's happening now at BHP, a future resources company. This is the Don LeBattor Show with the Stugarts Podcast. As a man with a New York Knicks jersey tries and fails to replace Back Road Jess, there was a voice missed yesterday on the show deeply because this clown car this clown car needed somebody to make fun of this show

pivoting to becoming Nick's fans and thankfully Jessica has made herself available I cannot if you heard any of, I cannot imagine how much you were biting your own face wanting to yell at all of us in terrible disgust. Yesterday was really embarrassing, Dan, for the show, for Mike, for you, for everyone. I was listening to, first of all, Mike has been sending me these like, Knicks texts cheering on the Knicks

for the last like four days now. So I don't know when this started, but I do not like it. I know you tried to explain it as like, Oh, we're not Knicks fans. We're just rooting against Boston. It's not like that. Not really what it's not like to me. So with some help from some of our friends, I have a top five list for today's show of people who are allowed to celebrate a Knicks playoff run. And I'm hoping that you will realize that none of you are on this list and you will stop debasing yourselves. Do you have any other commentary on yesterday

that is missed before we get to that list? Because I imagine there's a lot left unsaid. I was looking, searching for your voice somewhere in our, you know, our fake fandom. You were very mean to Chris, I would say. Another text I got. Yeah, well, Chris was like, you know, what do you wanna talk about tomorrow?

And I was like, the Nick stuff, obviously. And then later in Invisible Inc. Also, Dan was really mean to you. We could talk about that. Yeah, I was like, I laughed out. I'm sorry, Chris. You got Ken Dolan's to you. We could talk about that. I laughed out, I'm sorry, Chris. You got Condolin's text yesterday? You're still with us.

Multiple, wow. I'm sorry, it's just return my calls, please. I don't understand invisible ink text messages. What is it for? It's for when you're saying something and you're like, ooh, if someone's reading this over this person's shoulder, they have a way to make sure that no one sees it. So they're like, Oh, this is something.

This is something spicy. Let me wait till I'm somewhere where I can press down and read it and be like, Oh, okay. I don't know. I say something. I mean it. Whatever. Well, okay. I would also like to add this isn't from yesterday's show, but Amin's shrimp in a cake analogy,

one of the greatest, I think of all time in the history of the show in describing some of Dan's requests. Very good analogy, I mean. From one Nick fan to another, thank you. I'm not even a Nick's fan, okay? Like this is not, I'm not on this list. You're here now, you're here now. No, we're here now.

Everything else. Honestly, I have very mixed feelings about this Nick's run because yes, obviously my boyfriend be happy, whatever, but he started this annoying bit where he jumps in the pool every time the Knicks win and it's just like, why are you jumping in the pool? This is- He does that too? It's our thing, it's kind of our thing.

I've done that once, I can't wait to tell you guys the story, one time in my life. Were you, okay, can you tell us the story? Yeah, tell us the same story. Suspense is killing us. No, no, now that's like the actual perfect time to tell us the same story. Come on, Dad, suspense is killing us. No, no, now that's like the actual perfect time to tell your story.

After a Knicks game? When we're talking about jumping into a pool. Was it celebratory? I didn't wanna interrupt what she was saying and I interrupted what she was saying. But you did, and then you left us with a cliffhanger. All right, so what was the team? Oh, the Patriots there were gonna go undefeated.

If indeed they went undefeated, I had to do some horrible thing where I talked to each of the 1972 Dolphins and wrote a column about each of them. And so when the Giants beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl, preventing another team from being undefeated, I joyously threw my hat in the air and jumped into a swimming pool.

It was just joy because I didn't have to do a ton of work. Ah, okay, good story. Not worth interrupting you though. No, but. I regretted it as soon as I said it. You did say you can't wait till I tell this story. You guys are good at it. It would have been worse if you teased it out for three hours and then told us that story.

So I'm glad we just got it out of the way. There you go, always produce them. Okay, OLI. This is again, the list of people who can celebrate a Knicks playoff run. At one point in your fandom, Pablo Prigioni was legitimately the best option you had at point guard. That's a tough name.

Yeah, that's a tough name. Prigioni, real Knicks fans know like us. Again, I'm not included in this list. I have another O.L.I. though. A glimpse of a photo of Rick Smith's stupid face will send you into a frothing fit of PTSD fueled rage. Bing bong. I hate that light bulb head he had

when he shaved his head. Hate him. There's a separate list of stupid faces, but we can get to that later. Now we're on to number five. You had a Langston Galloway jersey. Bing bong. Wow.

I hate, I miss the fanfare. I hate this bing bong, whatever. It just doesn't feel as good as getting fanfare. I'll give you fanfare if you want it. Thank you, Chris. God. Number four, you have a memory of Alexi Shved running a pick and roll at the Mecca basketball.

Shved. The fried enjoy of Cheska Moscow. The fanfare helps. Shbed. This is number three now. You had arguments that nearly ended friendships over the inclusion of Timofey Mazgov in the deal for Carmelo Anthony. Still a mistake.

He was going to come in free agency anyway. They had the cash face. They didn't need to do all that. Bing bong. And you've had arguments about it, Ameen. I can tell. Knicks fan. Number two, you have personally sat and commiserated with Bobby Bacala from The Sopranos on the

state of the franchise at the old Paris Cafe. Bing bong. I don't feel very specific. And finally, number one, you remember where you were when Andrea Bargnani tried to dunk from the foul line. Oh, what a time that was. Bing bong. I think he hurt himself.

It was not a good situation. What a horrific stretch of a generational Nick basketball for those to be the arguments. Bing bong. What about when Mario Hazonia dunked on Yana Sanacumpo? That was a time. I thought he was going to be good.

Make your own list. Also, yeah, so I'm happy for the Knicks. That was a time. I thought it was gonna be good Make your own list also Yeah, so I'm I'm happy for the Knicks. I love Timothée I heard the other day someone call him the patron saint of city kids I mean, I don't know if you can like I don't know if you agree with that That's a that's a big praise to give Timothée, but I'm happy for the Knicks I think if they do end up winning the series and I don't see the Celtics winning three in a row, I guess I do kind of see it

because all the things I just said in the list could happen to the Knicks again. But yeah, if the Pacers and the Knicks play in the next series and Reggie Miller and Kevin Harlan are on the call, that would be a bad time for Knicks fans, I think. So there, there may be still a lot of pain ahead. Well, Jessica, first of all,

I don't know why you said if the pace is in the Knicks play in the Knicks. I gave the caveat something really bad could still happen to the Knicks. There's three, I think Knicks fans all have PTSD, right? I also say all of this with the, also the caveat that I know the fans are sick of Nix talk, so I'm sorry, everyone. Also, Jessica, I wanna apologize to you because you said Timothy is the patron saint of city kids,

and I thought you meant Timothy Mozgov. And I was kind of confused, but I was like, I wanna yes, I'm gonna yes and, yeah, sure, I can see there are a lot of Russians in the city. And I was like, why was, why is she going on this Mozgov tangent? And then it hit me like, oh, she means Chalamet. Yeah, sorry. You described him as a patron saint,

and I believe in the past you've been described as unapologetically Catholic. How do you feel about a Chicago pope? Billy, the quote from Dan was Catholic to my core. Chicago pope was probably the most memorable day of my entire life, just all of it. The memes, the jokes, the disbelief, the informing Chicago people.

Why is David Samson wearing a pope? Oh, because he's in charge of Metal Arc now? I get it. No, he wants to be pope of Metal Arc. We can't let him do it. Well, it's an election. We gotta see what of Metalark. We can't let him do it. Well, it's an election. We gotta see what the smoke says. Are we a-

Ooh, we should do that. That's a good idea. The College of Metalarks, like where the birds, where Cardinals get it, cause they're birds, I don't know. Working on it. Workshop that, yeah. Yeah. You can have Sugat's host a con-clave,

but he's a con man. Are we ready for an American Pope? Because as soon as he was named Pope, I saw what happened was they're like, let's find out what his brother was up to on Facebook. And I was like, I don't know if we should have a Pope from America. Yeah, have you met us?

I mean, I was shocked when I heard the news and I told my parents and I'm staying with my parents right now because we haven't moved into our apartment yet in New York. But my parents were like, he's not not American they wouldn't elect an American pope and I'm like he's actually from Chicago too and they're like no he's not but they did say when they announced he was the new pope he's the least American American which is kind of a hilarious way to insult the rest of Americans but yes there there he is at the World Series game

at Kaminsky Park. Wait, which one is he? The one on the phone. He's calling in to God and saying, please, this is gonna be the only moment of joy this fan base feels for my entire life. Please let the White Sox win this game. This is gonna sound dumb,

but somehow a pope using a cell phone is such a mind eff for me right now. Like what? The pope had a cell phone is such a mind f for me right now like what the pope had a cell phone what year are we in? 2005. The Buck Rogers futures where we're at. Kelsey Grammer doesn't feel American even though he is. What? Do you remember when he fell off the stage at that one event and just like ate shit? That was a funny YouTube video back in the day. It was like the grape stomping lady, but it was Kelsey Grammer. Oh, the grape stomping lady. I don't understand where the accent came from.

What does he feel like to you? That's like Johnny Depp from Broward, but he pretends he's French or whatever. Johnny Depp, please. It kind of feels like British. Him and Nigel from the show. I don't know his real name. David Hyde Pierce.

Oh yeah, him. Wow, I have kind of like a depth of Frasier knowledge. What's the name of the dog? Uh, you got me. I guess I'm not, my back isn't as deep. Isn't it Frank? Oh, is that their dad? Someone's named Frank.

The dad was Frank. Frasier. By the way, that's probably what Kelsey Grammer's dad is like, right, like just like all American guy, and then he's got a son who talks like this. Billy, Billy, can you help me with why it is that that that your? Pope obsessed why am I I Pope obsessed how my Pope obsessed? I was trying to come out here and give you guys all the news while the papal conclave is going

I was a big story in the world. So I was letting you guys know and Jess is you know, I should a big story in the world, so I was letting you guys know. And Jess is, you know, unapologetically Catholic, as we've discussed, and also she's, you know, when you think of Jess, you think Chicago, and New York, and South Bend, and Pittsburgh, and just a number of different places, but Chicago's one of them, so I thought maybe she came across, she crossed paths with, you know,

the Pope in Chicago or something at some point. Billy, I never crossed paths with the Pope prior to him becoming the Pope. However, he was born at the hospital my grandpa worked at. My grandpa was a chemist. Yeah, so maybe their paths crossed, which is crazy to think because when you grow up Catholic,

there's one thing really that you're sure of and well, two things. One that you should feel guilty all the time and two that the Pope is never going to be from America and he's certainly not going to be from Chicago of all places. I am glad he's from Chicago though, because imagine how annoying like Philadelphia fans would be if he was from Philly or like Boston people. Like at least Chicago we can make funny like hot dog jokes and Malort jokes. What does a chemist do in the hospital? We're very confused by that.

Like in the 1900s, like 1918s. I did not know that they housed them in the hospital. We're having an argument right here that what does a chemist do in a hospital that's different from what a pharmacist would do in a hospital? Because then he's not a chemist, he's a pharmacist. Yeah.

All I know about my grandpa's chemistry career was that at one point he was a chemist, he's a pharmacist. All I know about my grandpa's chemistry career was that at one point he was a chemist in a lab working down the hall from where LSD was first invented. Yeah, your grandfather invented LSD. Your grandfather's a bad guy. I think it's fair to say. Drug dealer. Yeah.

Your grandpa sucks. At Levitard Show, does Jessica's grandpa suck? And at Levitard Show, what the hell, Johnny Depp, please get out of here, please. Like why are you doing that to- This is the grandpa, sorry, Dan, this is also the grandpa who never gave my grandma roses that she was talking about in that one flowers voicemail, so.

That was a bad guy. We had no greater failure around here than not yet turning your grandmother into a star. Like, do you guys have the sound? Because grandma came in here and yeah, she endured grandpa it sounded like. Well, I mean, I don't want to speak ill of my grandfather, but you know, my grandma, she seems like a hoot, right?

She seems like she thinks that a lot of things are funny and she's very humorous. Well, my sister sent our big family group chat last Thursday when the pope was announced an onion article about like the Vatican elects first Chicago style pope. And it was a Photoshop of the pope in a bun with, you bun with tomatoes and sport peppers and whatever relish. Like he was a Chicago style hot dog and my grandma just responded to the whole group,

like our entire 35 person group chat, not funny. Oh wow. She didn't take kindly to the Chicago jokes, huh? Holy crap. She did not like the Pope jokes. I don't think it was, well, although that's a good question. Maybe she was offended on behalf of the hot dog, like the Pope jokes. I don't think it was, well, although that's a good ques- Maybe she was offended on behalf of the hot dog,

not the Pope. I'll have to follow up on that. You guys remember when the Pope's official Instagram account was liking thirst traps a couple years ago? That's why you had to get rid of the last one. Yeah, you never- Are you sure you're not confusing him with Ted Cruz? No, it was a thing that happened.

It was a big story. The Pope likes Instagram models, thirst traps. Speaking of thirst traps, Dan, I don't know if you saw this. Have you ever heard of Yellowstone National Park? Yes, Billy. Well, Yellowstone National Park, apparently they're losing funding and they've resorted to, and it's time to tell us about this beforehand.

Yeah, apparently they're losing funding and they've resorted to posting thirst traps on TikTok, hoping that they go viral and then they can raise funds for their national parks through the help of hunky men. Oh, I thought you meant thirst traps of like the animals. Like it would be like Yogi Bear. No, that's like something Ron.

Like Bear Week. Thirst trap there would be like a geyser, like a hot spring because like, oh, there's some water, but it's a trap because it sprays you in the face with water that'll melt your face off. Also, one thing that I don't like about Instagram is, I followed you for science reasons. Me?

No, no, no. Oh. No, like certain accounts. I was following a Curb Your Enthusiasm account, and then all of a sudden it's like Softcore Porn. It's just porn. And then I was like, oh, alcohol facts. That seems like a fun follow.

Yeah, that happens to me all the time. Then all of a sudden, jugs. What are you talking about? That doesn't happen to you happens to me all the time. All of a sudden, jugs. What are you talking about? That doesn't happen to you? That happens all the time. Where IG accounts change, they sell, and all of a sudden, there's a butthole on your feed. Is this a wet lock situation?

No, no, no, no, no. Meme accounts sometimes change themes. Yeah, no, but they don't change the title. So the curb one, I follow too, and it's like, it's always these clips from curb, and like, ha ha, remember when Larry did this, remember when Larry did that, and all of a sudden, there's a school teacher, and it was like so easy clips from curb and like haha remember Larry did this one Larry Did that and all of a sudden there's like a school teacher and it's like boing

Everything pops out like what the hell's going on here in public and you got like there's a butthole and it shoots But whole shoot to the top of my feet. It's not even me Like you can do my discover page. Yeah, well don't do my like that Mike This is smart of you to get ahead of whatever your wife is going to find later on your phone. This is actually really good. No, I'm telling you, this is a thing. You're putting this out publicly now and this is the explanation.

And it's a smart move. I mean, granted my ally is a mean, but this happens all the time. All the time. He has to zoom in to make sure if it's science or not. Like it's the whole thing. Wow, Billy Wednesday. I'm gonna go take a victory lap on something. I'm gonna leave this to you not the thunder

And then you never return this is what we need we know Dan I'm gonna tell you we don't need a victory lap We need a losers lap. You got to do a loser lap in there. No. Yes, okay Careful you hurt your ankle yesterday. Yes, I did but I But I have something that I feel like I can be victorious on. I will leave you to your own devices for a moment. Don't take it personally, Jess, that he's leaving as soon as you're back. And Grandma will be thrilled. It's not you. She doesn't like Dan that much when she listens to the show.

Jessica, holy shit. Well, you guys have listened to Oral History, and you know that the origins of the show were once just a dream for Dan and for Stu Gottson. That dream turned into the show and now the business of MetalArk Media and the show that you're listening to today. But starting your own business is a dream that lots of us share. Too many of us let it remain just a dream.

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Don Lebatard. I don't think I ever got that many roses in my whole life. Stugats. Certainly not from your lovely grandfather, God and man, so rest in peace. This is the Don Lebatard Show with the Stugats. ["The Stugats"] Why are you afraid of mercury poisoning? Me?

Yeah. Because Billy, Lehman's been out of town the last few days and when you start dating someone who knows how to cook, you realize, A, I just don't cook anymore. But then when they go out of town, you realize like, oh, I actually, I don't know what I'm going to eat. And I know't know what I'm gonna eat. And I know basically how to cook like two things. And so over the last six days, I've just been eating cans of tuna.

And I'm starting to wonder at what point I should be concerned because apparently there's mercury in cans of tuna and it takes a long time for your body to process out mercury. So how much tuna reasonably can I eat? Jessica. Can I eat it every day? I think I gave you too much credit because I thought this story was going,

Lehman's out of town, so me and my best friend Priya have been going out and eating sushi every night in the fanciest places, and I'm like, wow, you gotta watch out for mercury poisoning from all that sushi, and instead it's like, no, I'm eating cans of tuna like a bachelor, like a sad bachelor. I mean, it's so gross.

I put like plain tuna on a piece of toast with like a little squirt of mayonnaise and that's my lunch. Also, have you guys noticed this protein trend that everything has like added protein in it now? That can't be healthy, right? You don't need 100 grams of protein every day. You need like, what, like 20, 25. If you take like 40, so like I'm big into fitness now.

And that's also my algo until it turns into drugs. Yeah. But like, if you, if you have like 40 grams of protein right before bed, it can increase your muscle mass. Yeah. Like 40 grams. And also cold plunges are bad for you, which is what I've always maintained. it can increase your muscle mass. I saw that. Yeah, like. Is that true? 40 grams? And also cold plunges are bad for you, which is what I've always maintained. Like there's no way the cold plunge craze is actually good for you.

What? No, no, it reduces muscle mass. Well, no, the cold plunge is all about, it's all about like extracting the lactic acid from your muscles, right? You're going hot, cold, hot, cold. Yeah. Which is never good.

No, it's all bad for you. But it was good for your vagus nerve. Yeah. So I feel like the cold plunge is like tuna and that it's probably okay in moderation, but I'm wondering what is moderation for me? Like I'm not that big of a person. I'm about 6'1", you know, 125.

How much tuna reasonably can I eat in a week? And how often should I be cold plunging? Because it's probably fine a little bit. So the FDA recommends that adults eat up to 12 ounces of canned light tuna per week. Wow, 12 ounces a week? Wait, how much comes in a can? Not a lot.

I would say probably less than that. You worried about microplastics and I thought the microplastics were in the balls. No, no, no. They were found in the balls too, but I'm sure they're found all over the body. Oh wait, I thought you meant the microplastics came in little balls, not they were literally found in the balls. I think it's both. So wait, if they're in the balls, how do they get out? Apple pectin. Do apple pectin, I'm telling you.

Apple a day. Apple peg what? Do you eat a whole, I mean, do you eat a whole can of tuna? They're five ounces. Yeah, and it's not enough. Four to five ounces. I would eat two cans

if I was not worried about mercury poisoning. That's like your weekly serving. If it's 12 ounces, it cans like five ounces. A week? Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, you're dead, sorry. It's nice knowing you.

Bad news, Hank Azaria's not going to your funeral. Can Hank Azaria cheer for the Knicks? I think he probably, yeah, he probably fits one of those criteria. Mike doesn't. That list was for Mike. No, no, no. I get to be a Knicks guy for this round. I do. No. I'm as passionate as anybody you know about the Knicks for this round. I mean, only in the way that you're passionate about things where you swoop

into a thing and then you really, really like it for a week. a top. Like brain pills or whatever thing you were on. Oh, AlphaBrain. Yeah. Exactly. I switched to EliteBrain and I'm out, but I'm still doing the Lions main. Did you have an Opie topping? Yeah, how's that top's out doing? Yeah, NFTs, that's another one.

That's still there for you. Big time Knicks fan. Jess, I really. It should be at a peak right now, right? They're in the top of finals. Yeah, sell. Well, business isn't exactly booming there. Why?

Jess, I've actually really missed you this week because Miami got the number one recruit in the nation. And I wanted to, I learned on social media that Miami has more money than both Oregon and Georgia combined. Why is this narrative perpetuated by schools that lose recruiting battles? Because Miami is a school that is private with a student body of like 18,000 with one of the worst broadcast sports deals ever. But anytime a recruit goes to Miami,

it's always because they have more money than, you know, Georgia. Mike, you need to stop being triggered by people on the internet. That's my take on that. It's the programs. Just be happy, you got the number one recruit in the country, like woohoo, yay, Miami.

Well, I did have the number one recruit in the country and upon committing to Miami, he already slid like four spots, which is also something that happens. That does happen all the time, yes. But I just get really bothered by all these other schools putting this out there, like, oh, we didn't lose this recruiting battle because Alex Mirabal's really good at developing offensive linemen.

It's because Miami has more money than us. Who believes this? Why do people perpetuate this? Why is there this narrative that Miami and their shitty broadcast deal have more money than Phil Knight? It makes no sense. And every-

Probably because Carson Beck is driving like several stolen Lamborghinis, not that he stole, but I know. And he got them at Georgia. Mike, I don't, I mean, just call them poor and move on. I don't know, you missed me so that you could find an entry way to talk about Miami to then make me upset. Okay, I got it.

Well, I don't. Yes, that's our dynamic, Jess. That's what I miss about us. I also wanna point out that last night, maybe I'm revealing confidence this year, but Mike proudly said that you is gonna whoop up on Notre Dame this year. Yeah, we're gonna kick their ass.

Wow. Like he said it with lots of confidence. They're gonna replace their defensive line with guys that took a break from football and are recovering from knee injuries. I think Dan's ready, guys. Who, Jason O'Neal and Gabe Rubio? Just running.

I think Miami's gonna eat that ass. He's not running hard enough. He's there for a second, then. Izzy was there. It's May, I guess this is all you have in college football You see what's happening as soon as I leave the room Mike goes He is out of breath Wow Mike goes right to the UM talk as soon as I leave the room

I'm trying to tell you not to leave the room. Okay. Well what's happening right now? It seems unfair to me because you guys say this is a loser lap and not a victory lap Are you in a church? I think they were just saying that because you're doing it, which is not nice. Okay, well, but, okay, so you guys, you guys tell me then, you make a ruling here whether I'm right or wrong and I'm sorry,

I've been running so long that my pants are beginning to fall, so if this- Not a lot of people run while holding their glasses like that. Well, I've been running for about nine minutes here, nonstop, and that's- All time. Yeah, that's the way we're supposed to do this. So you've gone about a quarter of a mile.

And my pants are falling, so there's the chance that the belt isn't gonna hold up throughout the rest of this, but you tell me whether I'm right or wrong, okay? On this bit, or? Not on the bit, on the question I'm about to ask. And the question is, are you indeed unapologetically Catholic if your grandma doesn't allow Pope jokes?

Wait, no. Wait, yes. I think your grandma is kind of. That's a definition of unapologetically Catholic. So Jess is unapologetically Catholic then, right? I get to be. I mean, I was raised Catholic. I don't go to church anymore.

Don't apologize, Jess. You're unapologetically Catholic. Are you apologetically Catholic? Is that what's happening? Yeah, don't apologize. I think you've don't go to church anymore. Don't apologize Jess, you're unapologetic about your Catholicism. Are you apologetically Catholic? Is that what's happening? I think you've apologized for the Catholic church plenty. Also. I don't think I need to. Also, isn't apologizing the biggest thing a Catholic

has to do. You've got to apologize for the Catholic church. She can't, she's unapologetically. You must. But I mean, I don't, okay. You have to. I don't want to get into my spiritual beliefs with you. Dan, you can't eat more than three cans of tuna a week we discovered while you are out. It's too much mercury poisoning. Dan can't eat tuna anyway You know the International Church of Satan has zero sexual assault allegations on record

Good job, what Dan I saw I saw just I thought about you the other day because I saw that one of your favorite tequilas is being sued in a class action lawsuit for using artificial things that I don't think would be good for you. I don't think this topic would be good for us either. I don't think so either. Well, Billy Wednesday, because I'm one of our sponsors.

Well, Dan's favorite tequila is Cuervo, and Cuervo's not in any lawsuits, so what are you talking about, Billy Girl? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Not hisale? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Not his favorite. I don't like additives.

Additives are bad. Also, Dan, it was Catholic to my core, not unapologetically Catholic. Okay, but so are you Catholic to your core? Are you Catholic to your core if your grandmother won't allow Pope jokes? I would say she is definitely Catholic to her core and unapologetically Catholic, yes.

Yeah, I think the grandma not allowing pope jokes is the most Catholic thing you can be. So that would confirm that you're like, usually when you're, are you such and such if this happens, they have to be opposites, right? Like, are you Catholic to your core if you don't observe Lent? That's the way that setup kind of works. The way you're doing? Like, are you Catholic to your core if you don't observe length? That's the way that setup kind of works.

The way you're doing it is, are you Catholic to your core if this Catholic to your core thing is happening? Well, yeah. Yeah, it is. And the point isn't I'm just right. That's the point. The point is just that I'm right. Catholic to your core sounds like a workout routine

run by like Catholic. A Pilates class. Yeah, yeah, like a thirst trap account of Catholics. It's like a shirtless dude, but he has the priest collar on, right? Exactly right. Catholic to his core. We're saving Yellowstone.

Do 10 reps of shame. Rosary counts, right? Like doing like one, two, three. I don't know how to count all the rosaries. But it's like the chains, but it's rosary. You say Hal Marries on the beads, and then I think you say the Our Father on the big beads. My grandma does that on the plane

every time she flies somewhere. Does she? It's very jarring. Yeah, and it makes everyone really anxious. Yeah, because it's like, why are you praying the rosary right now? And what's he praying for? Jess, can I ask you about yesterday's big NBA story?

It was, I argued that it was Jason Tatum. That was a massive story, but a lot of people picked, we put this on the poll, that it was Jason Tatum. That was a massive story But a lot of people picked we put this on the pole and it was Nico securing the number one pick and this I do want to talk about this. Yes. Tell me what you think this well My whole takeaway is I don't know why the NBA keeps doing this with this lottery because their whole Argument for it is to prevent tanking It doesn't do that and all it leaves them with, granted, there's theater and they probably love the attention that it got yesterday, but you have something that doesn't stop

what it's designed to stop, and it just leaves a whole bunch of NBA fans saying, this is rigged. So I'm very confused as to what the benefits are of this thing. I'm sort of confused about what the, so I was one of those people that when I found out the Mavericks won, I was like, it's rigged.

And then I thought about it and I was like, but why? So I'm sort of confused now what the argument is for why the NBA would rig it so that the Mavericks would get the number one place. Because apparently if you help Los Angeles, Chris Paul, you get rewarded. Anthony Davis, look at Don Trich. So they just decided though, like in the last few weeks

when the Mavericks became eligible to be in the lottery and have, I guess like, when did they decide to do this? Yeah, I mean, does it matter? They could have decided the morning of, like they decided to rig it. It does matter, cause that's a bad conspiracy theory, cause I don't understand it.

Right. That's precisely all conspiracy theories that gain traction apparently like yeah, they tended to defy logic Look, I don't want to divert audiences elsewhere But if you wanted to conspiracy theory talk basketball Illuminati has you covered we covered this exhaustively and it's not the lazy Oh, it's because they try to look at like we, we've got math involved, we've got numbers. You don't want to miss a thrilling new episode of Basketball Illuminati, wherever you go. I mean, I do want to get into it though, because I was listening to Tom on Bomani's podcast earlier,

and also I was listening to, he had Zach Low on also, and Zach Low was talking about sort of the injury stuff in the NBA. Like, it's almost a certainty that you're going to have some sort of injury like this now and there's a number of reasons why perhaps that's the case. And maybe it is comes back to a workload and you sports especially. And I think that that's really interesting too. But back to, I mean your point. So can you just sort of break down the actual conspiracy and why it would make any sense

for the NBA to rig the draft lottery for Dallas? Well, this is the easy explanation why it's not rigged, right? Is prison! Yes, that's why. They're in the, where the lottery happens in a back room, right, like what we see on TV, that's not the lottery. That's the lottery results that they create

a TV show around, right? The actual lottery happens in a back room and there's a representative from every team that's in the lottery. There's Ernst and Young who are doing the accounting and then there's NBA security and then there are also media members there. It's like a half dozen journalists.

Yeah, like Ben Golover for instance. People like me. He's always back there, yeah. Well, not people like you, actual journalists. So anyways. Right, and Golover also wrote in his story, he had a quote from a Mavs executive who was like, I can't believe that this happened.

Like I have been working on the draft lottery in this process and been dealing with conspiracy theories my whole career. And now like basically there's the subject of one, but go on Amin. One of the prevailing theories, Amin, is you have a brand new owner that just paid $3.5 billion for this franchise and immediately nuked it as one of the first actions of their

ownership reign. So it's kind of like a make good. Well, okay, so by the way, the exec you're talking about is Rick Welts. Rick Welts, I worked with him in Phoenix. Rick Welts is the guy that invented All-Star Weekend. Rick Welts was instrumental in the invention of USA Basketball. He was supposed to be, at one point they were saying he was gonna be the next commissioner of the NBA. So shout out to Rick Welts. But yeah, he's someone who's had to deal

with conspiracy theories when he worked in the NBA all the time and now he's on the opposite end of it. But to finish what I was saying about that room, like I said, the people were in there and then the way it works is there are 1,001 different combinations, 1,001. so when they say someone has a 14 percent chance really what they mean is there are 140 different combinations that are pre-assigned right and then you just wait and see what balls come up we've had years where people

have I believe there's a year where the Spurs kept winning it right like they won the top three picks because they draw number one yes first yes They should be allowed to do that by the way. Yeah, exactly. All the picks. Does that lottery be like all one team? I'm on the Ernst & Young Wikipedia page and there's an entire section dedicated to accounting scandals,

audit practices, exam cheating by audit professionals, investment banking, sexist training program. You don't think they're risking their firm over Cooper flag? I'm saying it seems as though this firm has a sorted history in which it seems as though in the past there's been malfeasances. Yeah, I would say that this is one of their higher profile accounts and I'd say that they would risk it

for that given that they have this in their past. And I would say I'm still waiting for an explanation why this would be worth rigging for the Mavericks. Please, Amin. The reality is, this is like what people say, oh, the only reason why X team won was because everyone got injured. You should just put an asterisk on it.

And the reality is when you go through, they hit you, the NBA, every champion has an asterisk. Same thing here. Any team that would have won, we would have been like, oh, if San Antonio had won, we would be like, oh, of course, they always win it. If won, we'd be like, oh, of course, they always win it. If Philly had won, like, oh, of course, they're trying to get them because of the-

Yeah, there was a moment where the top four teams that were vying for the number one overall pick, everybody outside of Charlotte, I was like, this is rigged. Right, three of the four were interesting scenarios. Yeah, it was like, San Antonio, that's rigged. Philly, definitely rigged. And then it went to one of the most rigged options.

I mean, if the end of, if the NBA wanted to interfere with Dallas, wouldn't they just try to interfere to get Nico fired because he's a bad executive and that is he just got them in the morning of all big, what are you doing? He didn't do anything. He's traded a superstar to LA, that's how you do it. He agreed to follow the league's orders to send Luca to LA. He only called one team. See, now you've lost me again.

The best conspiracies have the simplest premise, I think. This one is a little too convoluted for me. Didn't you see the video of Adam Silver at Duke and one of the graduates yelled at him, Adam, help out my math, we're going through right now. And he looked at him and he smiled and kept walking. I mean, smoking gun? Then he winked and like pointed at him, right?

Yeah, yeah. I like how LeBron, you remember when he was on McAfee. Wow. Billy Wednesday. LeBron continues you remember when he was on McAfee and LeBron- Wow, Billy Wednesday. LeBron continues insinuating, you know, that the draft is rigged. And LeBron, like, I mean, just explain. There's a thousand one different combinations. They draw four balls that all have numbers on it. And whatever that combination is, you look at a big booklet, I got it! Bingo!

And LeBron on McAfee talking about how the draft lotters Are you know when the ball pops out and says Cleveland like no clue how it works as this is the plight of? So many NBA players that they don't know shit about how this league work No, not how the salary cap work now how trades work now how the draft lottery works now how polls work now How awards work right they don't know shit. Like, LeBron, I guarantee you, when he was like shitting on all the guys who said, you know, this guy was overrated, he thought probably fans voted that.

He didn't even realize it was players. By the way, Rachel Nichols did the math. No, definitely media people, because media people are lame. It's the media that voted overrated. But this is my favorite thing. Rachel Nichols did the math. It was like, what the percentage of people who said

Tyrese Halbron was overrated, and then how many players responded in the poll, comes out to 13 guys. 13 NBA players said he was overrated. That's what we've been running with this whole time. And one of them was definitely LeBron. One of them absolutely was LeBron. Jessica, come on, come on.

Like that's a, I'm just trying to figure out, we're just trying to figure out who did this, right? Him in the hot dog costume right there. Okay,. I mean I do want to ask you another question though How screwed are the Celtics moving forward because I know you know, they obviously still have a lot of talent left on that team But with the new CBA and Tatum being out probably for all of next season if I had to guess he's obviously still really young Like what what do you expect them to do now? So, okay, so they already, before the injury, were dealing with, oh, what are they gonna do?

Because the money is incredibly high, and then they got new ownership, right? So those things were already coming in. Now you got Tatum is out. Tatum's gonna be out for an entire year. This is the recovery time for a ruptured Achilles. So how good are they going to be as is? I guess we'll get a taste of that tonight.

We'll see what it looks like when Tatum isn't out there. But there was already whispers that they're gonna have to start making some moves. Maybe those whispers turned into yells and screams.