The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz - Hour 1: The Greatest 30 Seconds in TV History

Episode Date: May 16, 2024

David Samson is still here to discuss why he believes the Heat, and this isn't a joke, need "a change at the top" in their organization. No. Seriously. David Samson said that. Then, Mike Schur stops by to discuss what he believes is the greatest 30 seconds in television history, a 9-1-1 clip that Mike and Lucy love, a Nikola Jokic stat of the day that compares him to Michael Jordan, and what his Celtics group chat looks like throughout the postseason. Plus, we have a segment of this week's Pablo Torre Finds Out featuring our favorite play-by-play voice Boog Sciambi reading some calls compiled by a group of comedy writers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're listening to Giraffe King's Network. This is the Don LeBattor Show with the Stoogats Podcast. David Sampson of Nothing Personal has fired people up here locally because he has had very strong opinions about whether or not Jimmy Butler is going to come back or should be back, and he believes the Heat have a giant problem and he will have an ally, I imagine, here in Mike Ryan. But what is the problem that you think the Miami Heat has?

I think there's an issue when you have so much continuity and they've had, it's been great when they've been good and having Riley there, and I love Pat Riley more so as the Knicks coach and what he's done for the people of Miami with all their rings, but the game's changed and the way he wants to have players and run his team and the way he's holding on to that 90s view, I just don't think is realistic.

I think their roster is flawed. I think that you can get suckered into thinking because of their postseason success, that they are a championship team. And if you don't want to settle for appearances, but you want more rings, I think you have to change who you get married to in terms of your players.

And I think it will take a change at the top for the Heat to get another ring. Wait a minute. What was that last sentence? I think it will take a change at the top for the Heat to get another ring. I mean, no, he doesn't have an ally in me. And I think most, I respect and value David

and I know that he won a World Series down here, but I think in a vacuum, if I tell you David David Samson says that he should let go of Pat Riley That usually gets laughed out of the room and I think Pat Riley has shown in recent years that he has pivoted let go of Pat Riley hold on no no no you say change at the top He's the czar of the franchise. What are you doing? Yeah? Listen he's valuing draft picks now. They've leaned more into development. I think he's shown you that he's able to adapt

with the times. If anything, he could probably hop in the old throwback machine and just not care about draft picks and get a superstar and do the old Pat thing. Well, maybe that's what it's gonna take. So I don't want to make an enemy. I love Pat Riley and I've known him for decades. I'm trying to look at the team and think about the teams that he's competing against and look

at these teams in the Western Conference, even look at teams in the Eastern Conference. It's hard to look at a Knicks team playing without half their team as saying they're just better than the Heat in every possible way. Looking at the Celtics as much as they've got problems that are better than the Heat and going forward in every possible way. And I think both those teams are worse than the four teams remaining in the Western Conference. So Pat's never wanted mediocrity ever. But he's always either wanted the ring or nothing. David, but I love Pat Riley. I've known him for decades. He should step aside. There need a change at the top. Like that nobody's saying that.

step aside, they need a change at the top. Like, nobody's saying that. It doesn't matter if nobody's saying it. The question is, do people believe in the leadership that exists right now that they will do what is necessary for the heat to get a ring? Why wouldn't they believe that given that that's been the standard here for 20 years? Has it been the standard here for twenty years uh... has it been the standard here for twenty years it's been the standard here since he got here since he got here the standard riley is the most successful executive i've ever seen both on the sideline and in the front office in my entire and you just saw bella check run out of eight town but riley doesn't have that relationship

with ownership uh... and furthermore, Riley is the one who is a little more off to the side than he's ever been because the organization is run by five people, not one. It's five people. And I would argue that Pat Riley, were he to tell you the truth, would say that he is as involved today as he's always been. No, I know that to not be true. I know that to not be true. He's asked? No, I know that to not be true.

I know that to not be true. He's asked Pat Riley. I know that to not be true. No, I'm just saying, like, he is. Not knowing it to be true. Yeah, look, I've been as hard on the Heat franchise as anybody, and I'm not saying Pat Riley, step aside. I think you'll figure it out.

I mean, you're largely right in that they need to do something here, because it's not trending in the right direction. I would also buck up against the notion that the Pacers and the Knicks are that much better in every way. I think the difference between those teams are very little, and in some cases they might be the acquisition of OG and Inobi and Pascal Siakam, places where Pat Riley actually, well I don't even know if he went to the dish let alone struck out. Or just

health, or just health. Yeah, like if the Miami Heat are just healthy and I know Knicks fans are probably hoping they don't win that series again that that playoff game the play-in game against the Philadelphia 76ers but if the Miami Heat are healthy I think there's a very tight series I don't think they're appreciably better. When everybody got concerned about what Pat Riley said about Jimmy Butler, that was sort of where it stemmed from, was his idea of not just if Jimmy Butler himself played through bumps and bruises, quote unquote,

to play 75 games, but if he, as the leader of the team, was doing more of that, then you get some of those role players doing the same. They were four games worse in the regular season than the Knicks, and if they had had, while healthy, the same path, I think Pat Riley's view of it is they'd be going to another Eastern Conference Finals as the boogeyman

for a Celtics team that doesn't know how to close out games late, and they'd be getting all the love the Knicks are getting right now. Is that the answer? Maybe not. Which is also probably skewed too. I think the answer is probably somewhere in the middle. It probably is, which is why I would expect the Heat

to make some sort of significant move in this off season. I don't think it's blowing up their duo of Bam Edibayo and Jimmy Butler. No, no, no, no, no, no. The significant move Sampson is suggesting is change at the top. I didn't hear you wrong. Change at the top is what Sampson said.

I believe that until there's change at the top, I didn't hear you wrong change at the top is what Samson said. I believe that until there's change at the top the moves will not look all that different people are who they are and when you have been successful doing what you do you tend to keep doing it even when the rules have changed or the characters have changed. That's just life. That's why change happens at the top at corporations or it sports teams or any business or an immediate company,

because people who are at the top do what they do and they've done it fantastically, but they tend to do it that way always, even when times have changed. Right, but we've seen with the Celtics and with other teams, you can microwave a brand new roster immediately in that sport. And I understand they're not trending in the right direction,

but it was just like one bad year. They can dig themselves out of it. When you talk about evolution too, when it comes to the heat and the way that they've built their roster, Pat Riley was the ultimate have a big man who you throw the ball into the paint. And then he drafted Bam Adebayo

to build around that skillset, a versatile guy who could do a lot of switching on defense that Eric Spolstra helped to revolutionize the roster and drafting young players like Nikola Jovovich and Tyler Hero, guys who were one and done or European players, that's the opposite of everything Pat Riley did for the first several years here in Miami and elsewhere.

He never drafted old players. Yeah. What did he draft, old players? He specifically drafted players who had gone through three or four years of college, even into when the one and done There's a huge difference and now they just did it again with haquez and look at the way that he contributed Immediately as a rookie he was always the guy that said I don't care about potential I care about what you can contribute to this roster right now

And they found a way to sort of at least hybridize that that doesn't mean that it's worked with this roster as presently constructed sort of at least hybridize that. That doesn't mean that it's worked with this roster as presently constructed, but I would fight back against the idea that he hasn't at least sort of altered the route in which they build this team. Boys, that's circular reasoning, Jeremy. Both of you, shut up about this. Do each his own, bro.

It's gone about five minutes too long, and even I heard it, which is mortifying to me. Review your movie before we get you out of here, and Mike Ryan, if there were a heat game being played tonight the biggest that's ever been played and I wanted to get tickets for that heat game somehow how would I do that? Oh in an instant like this where the the primary market is probably all sold out Dan there's only one place that you go you download the game time app you create an account and use a code.

Dan, that is spelled D-A-N, for $20 off, your first purchase, terms apply, last minute tickets, lowest price guaranteed, a little bit of Mel Kuyper in there. But look, it doesn't just apply to sports, it applies to concerts, a big theater, a theater is hosting a comedian. I know you love-

David Samson show, maybe? Yeah, David Samson at City Winery. I don't know if that meets the threshold. But look, Game Time, I told you, I practiced what I preach. I was a Game Time truther, a believer, a customer, a user for several years before they even came aboard. For my money, it's the best one. And it is my money.

And it is your money. When you're scouting for the best flash deals in the country, I always go to Game Time first. No surprises with the fees. They're all up front with me and the Game Time app, so I appreciate them for coming aboard and supporting us, and I appreciate the Vine, Dan.

Samson. I came aboard Game Time when they came aboard Metalarc, and I use it exclusively, and let me just tell you, it's awesome. There you go, David. It is exactly what they say it will be, you can get tickets to anything, just not my show. Samson, what are you reviewing for us this week

i want to talk about niki glazer i watched her special and i will admit here and i apologize i'd never had heard of her before the time brady roast and she was so funny that i then went to max and watched her special someday you'll die which i assume she was talking just to me because that's exactly how i think it turns out that the Tom Brady roast was only the beginning of her crassness and incredible brilliance as a comedian.

You get a full hour of the humor of her saying things about herself and about you, not you, Dan, but you, the collective you, that you wouldn't imagine since maybe Eddie Murphy, that there would be that type of humor and it works. So if you liked the Tom Brady roast more than Tom Brady, which is pretty much everybody, and you knew what a roast was,

which is everybody but Brady, go watch Nikki Glaser, someday you'll die because the truth is in the title. She is having a tremendous moment. Thank you, David. Don't do that with Belmont moment. Thank you David. Don't do that with Belmonti anymore. Thank you. I'm happy to tell you why but you never asked. Well I just don't do it anymore. Please. Well tell him not to do it

anymore and then I'll stop. Well no I'm telling you not to do it anymore. No. I'm allowed to I'm allowed to respond Dan on the air just like he does. Get out of here. Okay, happy to get out of here. All right, go ahead and do it. That's right, it's time for Thursday Thunder and it is brought to you by Giraffe King Sportsbook. Check out what Giraffe Kings have to offer throughout the show. Giraffe Kings, the crown is yours. Juju Gadi in the lab cooking it up.

Jeremy, what do we got? Yeah, I'll deliver this on behalf of Juju Gadi, which I know the audience loves. First on Thursday Thunder, the New York Liberty at the Indiana Fever. There's an over-under set at 13 and a half points for Benijah Laney Hamilton. We're taking the over.

Moving over to the NBA, Anthony Edwards has been playing great for Minnesota, backs up against the wall, over-under set at 29.5. We're taking the over there for Anthony Edwards. And Nasri, sixth man of the year for Minnesota. They need the win. He's going to be up to the task as well. We have him over nine and a half points. I need the help as a bad leader who doesn't set the proper boundaries of Lucy, Chris Cody, and Mike Ryan. I need your help. When Jeremy gets heat bulldoggy, how do the four of us grab his collar and throw him into the sea?

Have you thought about asking nicely? I just did. That wasn't very nice, Dan. We got to work on your language and your tone. Stuck out here for my friends over at Simply Safe. When you travel to concerns back home nag you. Did you lock up? Did you leave a window open? That's why I recommend investing in Simply Safe home security today

for award winning security and peace of mind wherever your summer plans take you. I've had SimpliSafe in my home for many years now. The peace of mind it gives me, especially during the summertime when I'm all over the place is incredible because I know the things I care about, the things I value back home. I can always keep an eye on it using SimpliSafe's indoor and outdoor cameras. So do me a favor. Before you head out on your next vacation, make sure to protect your whole home with SimpliSafe variety of indoor and outdoor cameras plus add sensors to detect break-ins, fires, floods and more. It's backed by

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Stugats. Go pee pee. This is the Don LeBattard Show with the Stugats. I am a little concerned because we haven't quite gotten to the bottom of this story, but at present the Nix PR department has still not responded to our request for comment on deadline in which we asked, quote, Can you confirm or deny that Alec Burks dealt the reported, quote, epic fart before game five? New York Post reporter Steph Bondi has responded to our inquiries with exclusive commentary on his own.

He says, quote, sorry, this is dumb, end quote. So- Oh, that guy. Yeah, the Knicks, that guy and the Knicks in general, they're not being cooperative. So I don't think we're going to get any closer to this story than we already are. Before we bring on Mike Schurr, though, did you guys, you guys have been dying to talk about this 911 call? Did we want to share this with Schurr? Or do you want to just share it with our audience and have Schurr wait for a second? Mike Schurr is there in the Zoom,

so I think he can watch like what we're doing. So this is not a 911 call, Dan. This is a 911 clip, as in like 911 Lone Star, the show that Rob Lowe is on. And you could not watch it. I don't know how many in our audience do, but I'm just gonna play like a very short, like eight second clip to perhaps entice you into this upcoming episode, a recent

episode of 9-1-1 Lone Star. I'm starting compression. Cap Medical's here. Oh I saw this on John Oliver. I saw this the other day. Yeah, that is a frozen man that Rob Lowe had to do chest compressions on. So when he gets the script, he reads that, and if we could play it back one more time, I think he knocks the assignment out of the park.

It's great, it really is great. He's starting compression. Cap medical's here. Ha ha ha ha. Mike sure worked with Rob Lowe. That is probably some of the best work you've ever seen Rob Lowe do. Literally.

That's a catastrophe. You gotta turn your microphone on. It's on. Okay, all right, all right. It's on. I'm not an industry professional. It's Chris Cody, he's not an industry professional. Go ahead, continue.

I was gonna say that it's up there with Dog Ate Dan's Heart, if you've ever seen that, from One Tree Hill. Yeah, Lucy's giving me a wonderful applause. When we were talking about this, Lucy and I were talking about this clip before the show, and immediately she went dog eating a heart. Yeah, that's the greatest 30 seconds in TV history, I think.

Really? Wow. Yeah. We were on the Good Place, in the Good Place writers room, we were obsessed with that and we watched it hundreds and hundreds of times and just broke it down. Here we go.

All right, let's do it. There's so many things. Let's do it together. No, let's do it right now. We're gonna roll this right now. Yes, this is horrifying. No one moves. And then, first of all,

why is there a dog in the hospital at all? To eat the heart. He really needed that heart transplant. But look at the look that Chad Michael Murray gives here. Oh, you just cut it off. But he gives him a look, he gives Dan a look like I told you, like as if he knew this was gonna happen.

Also, if you play it again, there's a couple really great details one of which is that the heart when it rolls out of the container here we go okay so watch what happens here the leash trips him it rolls out of the container it's right next to a black line now we cut to this shot and it's nowhere close to the black completely different place. I mean, okay, okay. The nurse gives a look of like, Oh no, not again. Which is like, I think this is a hospital where several organs have been eaten by pets.

And then the look, but the, the ending look is like, I told you so. I told you that if's trying to stop the dog The dog just takes the heart and goes no one makes a move Like the guy even the guy who falls down and drops the heart just kind of lies on his stomach For like I don't know 15 seconds just frozen in a sort of like as if he's a chalk outline on the ground Look at that. Look, that's amazing. Like it like, I told you, we all knew this was gonna happen. Here we go. Mike, sure, before we get to the day and before we get to your beloved Celtics,

that's gonna happen to you this season with your Celtics, metaphorically. Something, a dog's gonna run on the court. Or the chest compression. Something's gonna happen, the chest compression, that's correct. I wanna show you, would you like to see Deshaun Watson's back tattoo?

I wanna show you this. Are you somebody who's interested in this at all because you're not? Okay, show it to Mike Schur. All right, so there's a lot going on in this back tattoo. I isolated two things that are fairly absurd about this back tattoo. Anyone wanna take a guess?

Sorry, you isolated two things? Just two. Everything else seems like pretty run of the mill for NFL player back tattoos. So there is, if you see right beneath the NFL logo, there are three rings. One I think is like a high school ring, the other one's a college football

national championship ring, and then there's a college football national championship ring, and then there's a blank ring on his back. Yeah, that's right there next to Martin Luther King in a fitted, there is a blank Super Bowl ring. Martin, you have a dream hat if you weren't here. And I have a dream hat, yeah, you made merch. And I have a dream fitted hat on Martin Luther King. That somehow steals the show from the empty Super Bowl

ring from a quarterback that we don't know is actually any good anymore. What is underneath the blank ring? Is that an astronaut or something? That is an astronaut. Yeah, that's an astronaut. That's an astronaut. That's a dumb question by you.

Yeah, what's the matter with you? Isn't it obvious that it's an astronaut? Yeah. And that it's Martin Luther King with a baseball cap that reads, I have a dream. Can we put that in our merch store? With a New Era sticker still on the fitted cap? No, no, you can't.

You can't. It's important to me that you know that you can't do that. Just the tattoo. I'm not saying just the hat. I'm saying the guess. You think we can do that? He also hedged his. No, you can't.

It's, I'm sure it's copyrighted. All that stuff is copyrighted. You cannot sell merch of his back tattoo. If you see the back tattoo, like the empty Super Bowl ring, he's actually lucked out because it kind of seems like it's a Cleveland Browns helmet on the ring, but their helmet is such that you could also shade that in if he were to win one as a backup somewhere else. Well, correct me if I'm wrong. It looks like the helmet is blank in the same way that

the top of the ring is blank so that when he wins his ring, ostensibly he could fill in the logo on the helmet and also the, right, okay. Right, but he can presently claim like, oh no, that's a Browns tattoo. Oh, I see, I see. Before we get to Mike Schur's stat day just play that again not the dog, please I just want to see Rob Lowe cave that frozen person chest in again He's turning compression cap medicals here. It's just a terrible result to have if you're a paramedic who's trying to save a life Yeah, it's just it's very worth worst possible result. It really is

Vitals first before going in for that move. It stays with you forever. Imagine that night just going home, honey You're not gonna believe what happened at work. I was just I was trying to save a man and then instead I just Caved his frozen chest in it was horrifying. Yeah You know how I do the thing where I like do the chest compressions. Well, it's something different happen this time the thing where I like do the chest compressions, well, if something different happened this time. Is that gonna happen? This is actually my fear. If someone's ever choking at a restaurant

that I don't know my own strength, now it's not usually with a frozen solid person, but I just feel like I'd break all sorts of ribs and actually push through someone's cavity. Your fear is performing CPR in front of people and hurting someone more and not saving their life. Right, like now. Because he's so strong, because he's so powerful.

Well, it's also not just because I'm so powerful and strong, though I am those things. It's also because I don't have the proper form down. I never paid attention when we actually went through these things. I wasted too much time watching YouTube on how to do this, that the person's probably dead. I think it happens most times, though,

that the ribs are broken. I don't know where I read that, but I don't. Most times? Yeah I Most times? Yeah Most times? If you want to save a life, you gotta break a few ribs Put it on the poll please, that Levitage show, does the Heimlich maneuver most times break a few ribs? What is the stat of the day music that we're day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day, start of the day I'm really shitting the bed today. You were saying Mike, sure.

Nothing, forget it. I was hoping Stu Gatz was going to be here for this. Yokochi had 40 points the other night against the T-Wolves. You know, I know I heard you talk about it, but people are saying, you know, I'm going to be the best player in the world. I'm going to be the best player in the world. I'm going to be the best player in the world.

I'm going to be the best player in the world. I'm going to points the other night against the T. Wills. You know, I know I heard you talk about it, but people are saying, you know, it was the greatest ever. I just want to say slow your roll. MJ in the playoffs. You know how many times you get 40 points in the playoffs?

Thirty eight. Thirty eight times. Of course, you could also at seven rebounds, but whatever. You know how many times Jordan had 40 and seven in the playoffs? 17, 17 times 40 and seven. Greatest ever. And yes, fine.

OK, you could just have 13 assists. Who cares? You know, many times Jordan had 47 and 13 in the playoffs. Never. He never did that. And you know, many times in the playoffs, Jordan had 40 and 13 assists. Forget the rebounds. Also never. You know, many times Jordan had 47 13 in any game in his career, regular season or playoffs

once April 13th, 1989 against Indy. Also in that game, he had four turnovers. He didn't hit a three. He took 30 shots and Yoke Hitch only took 22 in his game. And also the Bulls lost to Indy by four. Whatever. The point is MJ's the goat. We all know it. By the way, LeBron has had one 47 of 13 playoff game May 3rd 2018 against Toronto. So in his whatever it was 14th season. But it doesn't matter.

Not with zero turnovers he didn't not well. It's just insane We've got less than 90 seconds remaining go ahead Tell us whatever you've got on your Celtics here because it's not a coincidence that you showed up today You know it's not at all. I told your producer that I would only show up the Celtics one. Here's the thing that every Celtics Text threat is the same in all of these games. The sky is falling. The sky is falling.

Missoula sucks. Tatum can't hit a shot in the clutch. We won by 15. It's the same thing every time. And I'm I'm I'm sure. Let's got it all wrong. Charlotte's outlook on this is is completely wrong because getting the Eastern

Conference finals was the bare minimum for this team. Like it's like it is a little bit of like, OK, it's time to win a chip. But to me, the expectations game with the Celtics is helped so much by Jokic because if you can get to the finals and you lose to that guy, no one's no one thinks that you screwed up it doesn't matter it's like that guy the guy's invincible he's a termination Tata math right no it's not dude no we have to win one you have to win have to win sure yeah love of God yeah how much as you guys talk about here have to win the whole as much as you think you guys are a big deal, win it. Please.

Win one in 4K. Win the whole thing. Win one in 4K. Always great to see you guys. See you later. Go cats. See you later. Go cats. Balls in a blender.

That was pathetic. Go cats was pathetic as a sign off. Show us Morgan Geeky. Fred Katz. The Dan Lipitard Show off. So is Morgan Geeky. Fred Kats. The Dan LeBattard Show with Sugats is sponsored by BetterHelp. We all carry around different stressors, big and small. When we keep them bottled up, it can start to affect us negatively. Keeping things bottled up can feel like carrying a weight that gets heavier with

time. Whether it's talking to a trusted friend, journaling, or seeking professional help, finding ways to let out your thoughts and feelings can bring relief and help you navigate challenges more effectively. Remember, it's okay to reach out for help when you need it. It's helpful for learning positive coping skills and how to set boundaries. It empowers you to be the best version of yourself. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional

charge. Get it off your chest with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com.dlb today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash D-L-B. Don Lebatard. You don't remember the idea? I was probably like, that kind of thing. Something? Okay, no. The home run call was, that kind of swing, that kind of thing.

Stugatz. Oh, that's a good call. Thank you. And plus, it doesn't matter who's hitting it. Like you're not tailing it to a particular name. know all that jazz you know you don't gotta do that you know that would be a great call. That kind of swing, that kind of thing. This is the Don Lebatar Show with the StuGats. So you heard me mention before that Boogshyambi is the voice of the most popular baseball video game in existence, MLB the Show.

What I did not mention, however, is that that video game is so intricate that if you were at bat, let's say, and you repeatedly asked for timeout, virtual boog would get a little frustrated with you. Time call. This is brutal. No one has time for this. Just hit pause. And that is the thing about baseball in a nutshell. Approximately one zillion weird scenarios

can happen in a game, like someone abusively calling for time, and these scenarios can involve a zillion different people. And so I wanted to understand what doing that job, the job of the guy who has to simulate, call all of these hypotheticals, what that job involves involves so that this show and maybe the show as a result could take full advantage of that too. OK, so it'll be the show. Yeah, I want to introduce this concept by explaining how it is you did that job. Yeah, what did it involve?

So there's multiple things, but there's. Base hit left field, Here comes the runner around third and the Mets are going to the World Series. And then base hit runner comes around third and the Mets are going to the NLCS. Like I have to do every version of it. And then- Every possible timeline. Every possible, right.

You are a nexus announcer. And then I have to do, and then I have to do your name. And I do Pablo Torre. Torre. Torre. Torre. Torre. So that they can stitch it all together. And that's for everybody's name.

Are you afraid of being replaced by AI Boog? Nah, not really. I mean, eventually I probably will ask for it. The part that I love is that I do some of it in my apartment in Chicago and it dawns on me, even with, you know, sound muffling, et cetera, that the people across the hall from me are like, man, he is just so into his craft.

Or just like, that guy is insane. Yeah, he's just practicing his home run calls. That serial killer. Spong on Melton. Yeah, he's just practicing his home run calls. That serial killer. Smug on Melton. Yeah, mm-hmm. That's me. How, so, but truly, like, when you do the math on it, it's like thousands upon thousands of reads.

So I would say, so we've done, I think I've done it for five years, and in five years, we've done over 300 hours of recording. My God. So. So you are, I mean, you are, your consciousness is effectively uploaded into the MLB, the show.

Yeah, it's intense. And so what I am gonna venture to guess is that you were never asked to describe some of the following scenarios. Go. This is gonna be hard because what I did was assemble a writer's room of Mike Schur and Alan Yang and Mina Kimes and me and Cortez

just vaping in the corner, uselessly. I basically am giving you the office writer's room and I was like, they're all baseball fans, what do you guys wanna hear? And they gave me some prompts. So I'm gonna give you the prompt and I want you to call this like it's happening in a sporting event. Yep.

So here's one prompt. Yep. In the middle of a Royals-Twins game, Nicholas Cage drives onto the field in a Subaru Outback and attacks the shortstop with a Nerf gun. This is so stupid. It is. It's really, it's really. Two, two to Buxton is foul back and account remains even.

And whoa, hey, what do we got here? Like there's a car in the field. Good Lord. And it's out of shortstop. Bobby with Jr. is backpedaling. He is skid. That's Nick Cage. Goodness.

Nick Cage is out of the Toyota Outback and he's got a gun. He's got this... What is going on over there? Oh, it's a Nerf gun. Everybody will be fine. He's shooting the Nerf gun at Bobby Witt Jr. This is terrible. I stink at this. Let's say it's Mets Cubs. Yeah. And in the stands is sir Anthony Hopkins. Okay, he's wearing a Well, actually he's wearing and then systematically eating in its entirety a sombrero made out of

tortilla chip material And if there's there's guacamole there's salt. There's nacho cheese There's nacho cheese. Back here at Wrigley as we go to the top of the fourth, Cubs lead the Mets 4-0. Oh, and look who's here today, Sir Anthony Hopkins. Tell you one of the great things about coming to Wrigley Field is a giant sombrero hat made out of tortilla chips. And nobody loves it more than that guy, Sir Anthony Hopkins. And I mean JD, look at him getting down

on that sombrero hat. The guac's going everywhere. I think I see some fava beans there. You know that he is enjoying himself a little bit of Chianti and oh gosh, get him a napkin for the love of God. Clean it up. Okay, Alan Yang submitted this one.

Can you have Boog do Leonardo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arm wrestling Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor to a violent emotional draw that culminates in a embrace may be respectful but wary. So whatever your spin on that is. Back here in Wrigley and chide now for our heavyweight arm wrestling matchup. It'll be Sonja Sotomayor and Leonardo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And away we go. Release the arms and Leonardo.

Very, very strong. He's got Sonja Sotomayor. Close to a win. Very, very close. Sonia Sotomayor. Close to a win. Very, very close. Sonia Sotomayor back the other way. She's got some guns. I got nothing else. Okay, hold on.

What if you're calling a cub game, you're at Yankee Stadium, in the bullpen, Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg are there. Yeah. And they're actually going to do their MMA fight. OK. During the seventh inning of this Yankees Cubs game. OK. And after a few sad moments of wrestling, they suddenly just decide to start staring in each other's eyes and they start kissing. Gently. Am I allowed to change it?

Of course. Okay. So here it is, the matchup we've been waiting for. Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg, they will square off in this UFC Battle Royale. And we are underway and Elon right now with the upper hand. Elon with a takedown and he's punching him in the face, punching him harder. Wait, what's that? It's Nicolas Cage.

He's driving his Toyota Outback onto the field and he has run them both over and killed them and this fight is over. That is so stupid. Yeah. All right, Boog. At the end, here's the only way to sort of send you off into your job. Can you call me hitting a game winning triple

at Wrigley Field? I'm Chicago Cub this time. Right. My teammate on first base scoring the game winning run is a velociraptor. Yes. It's just figure out how to open doors and hit off speed pitches. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. That just happened. But now we're here. Bottom of the ninth. Okay.

Two down bottom of the ninth. The Cubs trying to pull out a win. It's a two, two game play homes in the mound for the Yankees, and here's the Cubs. Pablo Torre, right-hand hitter, digs in. Velociraptor over there at first. Holmes listens in for the sign, and he's ready. The kick and the pitch. Swing and a ball driven.

Right field towards the quarter. Slicing. Fair ball. That's going to get into the corner, and Velociraptor is on his horse. On his way to third, Velociraptor, they're gonna send him. Soto trying to dig it out. Velociraptor on his way to the plate and save. Ball game, Cubs win.

Pablo Torre the hero as he knocks in Velociraptor and the Cubs walk it off. Boog, you are too good of a friend to me. Thank you for doing this. Absolutely. Love you, buddy. This was fun. God bless. Thanks for having me, man.

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