The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz - Hour 2: David Samson's Rules For Using The Bathroom

Episode Date: February 6, 2025

It turns out that David Samson doesn't just have rules for how he uses the bathroom in a public setting, but he also has rules for the guests in his home, whether they can sit or stand to pee, and which of the several bathrooms they're allowed to use. Then, do you have a strong feeling about how it feels to put your bare feet in a shower or bathtub? Plus, the Heat made another trade deadline move while we were recording, so Izzy, Amin, and Jeremy break down the details. Also, because PJ Tucker was sent away in said trade, Ryan Cortes bombs back into the show to express his dismay. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Giraffe King's Network. of the most iconic famous places in the country. You know what helps me do that? Gold Belly! This amazing site where I order from all the time. Where you can get all these amazing foods from all across our great country. They will ship free to your door anywhere in the US of A. Gold Belly will ship you Philly Cheese Stakes from Jim's or Pat's in Philly. I'm treating my office right now to a cheese steak party from Pat's courtesy of Gold Belly. And on top of that, I threw in some original buffalo wings from Anchor Bar in Buffalo. You could get Kansas City's most legendary BBQ from Goldbelly and if the pizza near you sucks they will ship you New York style pizza from John's on Bleecker or Chicago deep

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is presented by Venmo. Did you have to do that? I thought it helped. I could have done it as Joe. It's brought to you by Venmo. I you have to do that? I thought it helped. Yeah, I could have done it as Joe. It's brought to you by Venmo. I love that app. I like doing reads and voices. Yeah.

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I'd like you to do every read. You did 1-900 flowers. Whoa. Whoa. But thank you, Vendor. On Stephen Smith's voice, Stephen A. Smith. Oh, yeah. Every read should be done in that voice now.

The Obama voice. I've thought about that before. But never actually saying anything explicit that would identify me as Obama. But just saying, you know, when I want to give my wife flowers, I go to 1-800 flowers You may get Secret Service knocking on your door really now like mr.. President. Are you okay? You're doing reads I've never noticed how much the a in Stephen a Smith helps his name because he just called him Stephen Smith No came out really I had to change it like that guy's pulling in zero percent way less interesting

I beg your pardon that guy's polling great with the NFL audience. Steven Smith, wide receiver. Steve Smith. Junior. Never heard him referred to as Steven. Never heard of Steven A. Smith. There are two different Steve Smiths, both played receiver in the NFL.

Steven A. Smith. Yeah, again, polling at 0%. Also a basketball player named Steve Smith. Steve Smith, Smitty from the City. I cried when he got traded from the Heat. Also, there's another Stephen A. Smith that's from American Dad, Steve Anita Smith. Yeah, that's a great show, I love it.

I feel like I'm Greg Cody right now. David said something to me in the break that I just want everybody else to know and be aware of. He's doing his Dan imitation. David, this is actually a real thing. Was it in the eating area? Wait, you say Dan doesn't do, that's not real when Dan doesn't? This is this is a genuine revelation to me. David said you're peeing again at 11 a.m. I just found it annoying that it's twice, two days in a row when we're trying to get going

and then he's the guy who the kids are in the car. You're ready to roll and all of a sudden one of them says, oh, I gotta go to the bathroom. He's keeping track of when you guys pee. It's too late. He knows when all of us pee. Why this phrase was invented, but that is the ultimate pecker checker.

I wasn't looking at his pecker. You're checking it. But you were checking it. Have you ever peaked before in the bathroom? I've never used the bathroom in this studio. No, I just meant in general. Are you a peaker? I sit to pee always. Really?

I do not stand at your distracts. Somehow that's not shocking. I do not. There's too much splash potential. But in any case- Wait, hold on, but that's an interesting decision you're making there, right? Because you're inviting a whole other world of germs.

Yeah. Right up the... Wait, what kind of toilet seat do you have? Exactly. You are, wait, you sit though. It's a- You touch the seat. Oh no.

No. You hover? Am I the only one who squats with your thighs? To pee? No. Hold on, is this really happening right now? Hold on, is Jess here today? I'm sorry. You, I'm not doing this, but you have contact

with the public toilet seat? Okay, here's the thing, I'm fine with sitting to pee. Like, that's just a comfortable thing, I don't need to make all the noise, don't need to do all the splash. On the road, if you will, not at home, I'm standing every time, David. Splash! Splash! sitting to pee, like that's just a comfortable thing, I don't need to make all the noise, don't need to do all the splash. On the road, if you will, not at home,

I'm standing every time, David. You deal with whatever splash situation you can, but you avoid the touching and the awkward position that you're hovering over the toilet seat. My stream has such incredible aim, I get zero splash. You work on that, David. Just direct it it I am surprised to hear all of your take I use I create a layer between me and the seat

you're talking about a public bathroom yeah I'm putting down people's homes though I do that you put toilet tissue on the seat yes they got well they have those seat covers you do that no I don't touch them. Would love a seat cover. No, we'll use a seat cover. Yeah, that's what I'd do. Gladly. If I have to, rare, you know me, I'm pretty regular, so I don't have to deal with that. There's way too much about your ability.

Sometimes when you're at a friend's house that you have to use tissues on the toilet seat because you don't want to throw them into the toilet because you may clog it. And then when you're done, you just clump the tissues and put them in the waste can. So I'm always doing math. I've never been in that bathroom either.

I never sit, I never sit. The only time I sit is to do the other thing. But even at a friend's house? Not at a friend's house, no. That's just rude. Lift that seat up, nope, my aim is true. Like a laser, it's like the Death Star. I've never thought when someone goes pee in my house,

like they better not be standing. Oh, I actually ask guests, make sure you sit. No, David. David, I'm gonna tell you right now. Let me tell you right now. No. You will not stand in my house. You're gonna hear it.

I will make sure. And how do I know? Because you hear the double click. Clank. Is no one else knowing the noise? What other demands do you have of your guests? This is very strange. I keep, there's a, I mean it's not that unreasonable.

And do you like list them upon arrival? Or do you have like a list on the wall? It depends on you. So when people are coming over just to pick me up, I know they're not using the restroom. I don't have to go into the restroom rules. If someone's coming over for a meal. You lay these rules out like you explain them

or do you hand them up? People want communication. And do people leave immediately like Homer Simpson's dad out of the bar after he walked in. Let's put it this way. David, you're hosting like, there's a big fight, right? There's a boxing match. You're hosting people over, right?

All right, David, I'll come. I'm not doing anything. I want to watch the fight at your house. I show up, okay, well, thanks for inviting me, David. What's going on? When you say, hey, I have to use the bathroom, I'll say fine, just make sure you sit. So you don't say it until?

That's what I'm just trying to say. If you said that to me when I came in your house, I would pee in the sink. Not when you come in the house. If you said that to me, I would assume you're telling me to poop. I'm just saying, David, if you said to me when I'm going to your bathroom, please sit,

I would just be so offended by that that I would pee in the sink. I would be like, I need to get even with him, and this is how I'm gonna do it. I am very to your bathroom, please sit. I would just be so offended by that that I would pee in the sink. I would be like, I need to get even with him and this is how I'm gonna do it. I am very much missing this and I guess it's one of the issues I have. Where's the bathroom? I just need to wash my hands.

No problem. Where's the bathroom? It's right over there, but I would send, there's several different choices depending on what you're doing. There's a bathroom just for hand washing. And there's no toilet in there? That's called the half bath.

The half bath is just a toilet and a sink. Is there a bathroom you- Yeah, I've got a sink that I send people to. Like a bar bath. Wait, do you send, is there a bathroom you send people that you think are dirtier than others? That's a yes, that's a yes. That's a yes.

Prejudice. This is very uncomfortable, this conversation, and I will tell you that that is a very normal thing that when you have, for for example if there are workers profiling You're a bathroom profiler Pablo not have a shovel let him dig it's not by race It's not by it's by if your hands are dirty because you're you're in the you're doing weeds

For an example sure I'm not letting you use the main, I don't mean smoking them. What do you mean doing weeds? We're definitely not talking about that. You're having people over immediately after pulling weeds from the garden. If someone needs the restroom and is cleaning something that makes them dirty,

I don't want them in the nice bathroom. The misinterpretation you have here is, these are not his friends, these are his workers. I get it now. This is for the help. People in the house. He's got a bathroom for the help. Gardner, they're coming in to pee. Super Bowl Sunday, everybody pull weeds.

It's fight night, right? Hey David, the gardener's here. And also, so I'll keep going, kids, there's certain bathrooms for the kids to use. I don't want kids, because kids. How much money do you have? You said you weren't a billionaire, but how many bathrooms do you have? It's an upset that you allow kids in your house.

Hey, David. It's only when forced to. Amin Jr. needs to go to the bathroom too, by the way, just to wash his hands though. Different directions. What if I like, you know, what if we're having a fight night and I've had a few too many beers and I gotta throw up, dude? Oh yeah. I'm feeling sick.

I've had that happen. There's a place outside. Where'd you send Greg Cody? You have a mount house? You cannot, if I see that, like we won't over surf. That's the thing too. What's the spot that you pick outside? It's, because clearly you've picked a spot.

You know this, you've been there. So there is, behind a hedge. You've been there. You've been there. surf that's the thing what's the spot that you pick outside it's clearly notice it's been there so there is behind a hedge you've been you've been where we're talking about I've seen there's a hedge you've been a finite I've seen a couple of the bathroom wait did he did he give you the instructor to give you the pamphlet when you walked in now I'm reliving every every I mean he limits drink consumption how do you just drink consumption. How do you do that? Just drink responsibly. How do you do that? Wait, hold on. First of all, I'm liable. No, how do you do it? I say you can't have any more drinks. You're watching every

time someone gets up to go to the kitchen? It's not hard to pay attention to 40 people. Or are you the one? Paying attention to when all of us pee. I can pay attention to a lot of people. Okay, so here's what- Wait, don't criticize me for not over serving people. I'm not criticizing. I'm merely asking, how do you actually police all these rules? Pablo's going to the bathroom, Chris is throwing up, I gotta make another drink, how are you making sure the gardener's here?

Amin Junior has to wash his hands, how are you keeping track of all these different things all at once? It's not hard, I swear to you, you should try it sometime. No, I hate hosting. I host a lot, I hate hosting. So I host a lot. I hate hosting.

I'm surprised you as a germaphobe are- People love coming over and love, and I want people to feel welcome as long as they follow the rules. Rich people love hosting. I hate hosting. This is not about, I did the same when I had a two bedroom apartment with one and a half baths.

Oh my God, how'd the rules work back then? It was dicey. Pee out the window. No, there were, so I love where your head's at. New York City, in Doorman buildings. That's what you said when they were peeing out the window. There are bathrooms in the lobby.

Oh my God. Oh wow. I'm sending people to the lobby? What floor? What floor did you live on? Honey, elevate it on down. What floor did you live on? 31.

God damn! Oh, what floor? David, I gotta go! Plan better in advance. Pablo, somehow you can set Greenwich called and said it must be 1102 Eastern. Pablo's going pee pee. I didn't know that about myself. It just so happens.

It's been two days in a row. I just wanted you to know that whatever you were drinking, because you started the today with two big cups Yeah, I can see well But it's causing you to have to go to the bathroom and slow the show at a normal pace like it's okay to go to The bathroom there's nothing wrong by the way with us as long as it's because you're drinking a lot and not because of other Health issues there's nothing wrong with going. It's a go problem. Not a flow problem flow max What is I I'm still stuck on the first thing.

The oldest show ever. Before we get into. We followed Max on Flow Max. Commercials. I'm still stuck on what David is doing in terms of his hovering. So you're, you are just. You must not know any women.

You're doing that, you're doing that. Yes, it's squatting. I know women that hover at like porta potties. Like my wife is not hovering at every toilet she sits. What I wasn't sure about was whether David was on top of the seat and squatting like feet on seat. You were thinking whether he was like this. Gargoyle style.

I had David Sampson gargoyle. I'm sorry that I misrepresented. Is that what you thought? I had you just like hovering, like your ass is like six inches above the toilet. That's a hover. Yeah, I have you, your quads are burning by the time you take a long pee.

That's exactly correct. I'm told by many people that I do a lot of things wrong and I was never modeled it. I had a weird, so I do a lot of things differently than most people and I don't know why that is. But David, you realize it, right? You know that- It's a habit now.

No, but it should not come as a shock to you, I guess is what I'm saying. Well, you look like at the beginning of this conversation, you're like, you guys don't sit down with people. Well, I still assume that no one would sit on a public toilet, even with a- I'm talking about the act of urination for men to be that sitting down is the norm.

I know that most of you stand, but I know that most people are not you where they can control the splash. You have an, I mean as an angle. I got the best- I assume you're lying. What's your name? Duncan with a bank shot. I'm really good.

I'm really, you know what? Yeah, are you Tim Duncan? What's happening? Now, I'll give you one better, Jeremy, that's true. So earlier Izzy said sometimes I don't wanna make sound. This typically doesn't happen when I'm at home, but sometimes when I'm at someone's house, I do wanna do the silent P,

so I can aim it at the exact angle where it won't make much of a sound, but also it reduces splash because it reduces It does not eliminate. Yes, it's true. That's true There is a little bit of trickle, but a lot of it gets caught up under the rim Which is the whole point of the aim it depends also the water level. There's certain bathrooms where the water level is so high Yeah, there's nothing you can do Great athletes refer to as being in a flow state?

Dick Trickle. Thong for thong thong thongs. The thing that I do that I realized very early on that I'm the only person that does this, a poor walking into a shower barefoot. I always have spots. This was a problem at the spa for me last time. Even at my own house.

Wait, in the shower? In your own home? In my own, literally it could be. Now we're in crazy town. What's that, what I'm talking about? Yeah, you don't trust your own shower? I could have the shower have been built and installed, I'm the first person to use it,

and was cleaned and everything. The feeling of my barefoot against tub or tile disgusts me. Oh, I'm with you here. It disgusts me. Do you pee in the shower? What? No, I don't. Even though Costanza says it's all pipes.

I'm reacting to Izzy's agreement with Amin. Yeah, no, there's a lot of things about showers. Like, don't even get me close to a shower drain. I don't care if it's mine, I don't care how clean it supposedly is, it's the grossest place in the world. So not a finish all burn then? That is the most disgusting,

I didn't even watch that scene. I had to cover my eyes and find out when it was over. But the tiled shower floors, right? Where sometimes they firstly get wet and you step on and maybe they feel slimy and you're like, ooh, they did not do a great job of cleaning this floor. Or I don't want any grout under my feet while I'm showering because I just feel like every grout

is just gonna be disgusting, especially when you've got people washing themselves. You talk about grout the way that David Samson talks about gardeners. He's disgusted by gardeners? I'm not, and I resent that implication. As long as they're outside. Does it also use the right bathroom? Do you travel with thongs?

And then what do you do when you have to leave? Now, I do not wear shoes in the shower. I do not go as far as wearing shoes in the shower, nor do I travel with my thong slippers. But I do have a pair. So I have at home, I have flip-flops that are designated just for when I'm coming in and out of the shower. And on the ropes here, I have slides that I pack in my,

Is there a surface you'd prefer your shower floor to be? I mean, I like a standing shower. By the way, I don't like tubs. What's that good floor? I don't like tub showers. I like a walk-in shower. I'm with you on that. I would rank, yeah, a walk-in shower ahead of the tub.

Yeah. It's a recipe for getting injured at this point. Tub? The oldest show in the world. But yeah, so I guess in that way, I guess I would prefer the tile over the smoothness of a tub, which is just, oh, that's so gross. Only when you say smooth like that.

That's the only time it's gross. Dolphin smooth. Oh, that's worse. I didn't know you guys all didn't trust your own shower floors. I just, I don't wear shoes in the shower. I've never heard anything like this before. I've heard it regarding hotels or staying elsewhere. I am shocked by the lack of trust in your own shower floor. The times that I put a scrub brush to the shower on the which I have one

of those sleek like white smooth bathtubs in my master and I'm sorry are we calling it that anymore? No. My main bedroom bathroom and, and when I scrape it, I'm just like, wow, I've just been standing on that for like the last week and a half, it's just gross. It's not a cleanliness thing, I just don't like the sensation. So I- I mean, do you clean your own tub?

I do, well I don't have a tub, I have a walk-in shower. Oh, a shower, I was just saying. Will you walk around barefoot in your home, or are you someone who's constantly wearing socks? I have house slippers. You have slippers. That I walk around barefoot in your in your home or you someone who's constantly wearing socks I have house slippers you slippers walk around in the house I give socks to guests because I don't know you have a shoe policy feet Do you have shoes no shoes in the house so shoe policy and when people come in without socks? I will I like a new fresh pair and then they get to remove them No, but you can buy my name

At the foot locker when you try shoes on try shoes on. You can buy them in bulk. I hate those socks. They're extremely cheap. I just don't want people's toes on my floor. So it's just like a handout of, hey, here you go. And then they wear that. Part of the rule. Protect themselves from ear flora.

So you're forcing women who wear heels come into your house, take those heels off, and then you give them, I guess, what? Trampoline socks. Footies. No, yeah. Bowling socks. They've socks grip. You know what they're really good for You ever want to rob a bank just Over your face right? No, not those. Oh not those. I know it's time

I hate that I know the ones David's talking about because in the same scenario you go to a bar about mitzvah and everybody's taking off They're their heels to dance and they're getting the little socks with the grip on them so that they're not slipping on the dance Wait socks have grips? Yes. It's not, you can't give people slip socks. I knew exactly where he was going. That would be obviously liability. You can't have people on your floor with slip socks.

Can you imagine the gathering now at his house? It's just a bunch of people with those socks on, holding their hands like this, so they don't want to get anything dirty. Trying to sort of ration their drinks, trying not to drink too much, and trying not to seem too sloppy, lest he kick them out of the house.

You make it sound not fun, Izzy. You make it sound not fun. Oh no, people have a ton of fun. You give them gloves too, don't you? It's a laugh party. They get to look at you, I believe. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, did you just say it's a laugh party?

People are having a great time. It's a laugh party is what you get when you're using Google Translate four times. It is laugh party. And you get it back and it's like, oh. Laugh riot. Having a real laugh party. I think Roy's been amazing today.

Roy's efficiency has been off the charts. It's what I do. He dropped a Title IX, then he dropped a yep when it came to master No No That statement cut it by itself. Oh My god efficiency sort of like what Andrew Wiggins is gonna look like any heat in for now. It's not efficient You got here I want to tell you a story I'm serious here my wife and my two daughters That was not efficient. no one else was using it and I paid for it. I mean, so why not? Then I realized eventually that they bought it for me. And I gotta tell you, way more challenging

than I could have ever imagined. Peloton coaches are walk in the walk. I love the coaches. I do the Grateful Dead one. It's fantastic. They have a sub three hour marathon runner, military trained athletes, a former college basketball player and so many other well-rounded coaches on their team.

All this experience really shows in their classes, which are never short of challenging, especially for me. So I jumped on it that first time, it was challenging, more challenging than I thought. Then I wanted to beat the bike, and so I kept jumping on it, and I absolutely love it. I mean, I'm the only one who uses it, but again, they got it for me.

I mean, I had no idea. That's a little passive aggressive, don't you think? Find your push, find your power with Peloton at onepeloton.com. Friends, it's JerBear, and you know that I'm obviously a bit of the romantic type, and Valentine's Day is coming up. And for me, there's only one place that I trust, 1800flowers.com. Every year, I order stunning stunning high quality bouquets from 1-800-FLOWERS that

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Hey folks, it's Mike Ryan, and I need to talk to you about something that I use religiously. Anytime I'm hosting a big dinner party, I want to impress people and I get food from some of the most iconic, famous places in the country. You know what helps me do that? Goldbelly, this amazing site where I order from all the time, where you can get all these amazing foods from all across our great country they will ship free to your door anywhere in the US of A. Gold Belly will ship you Philly cheese steaks from Jim's or Pat's in Philly. I'm treating my office right now to a cheese steak party from Pat's courtesy of Gold Belly and on top of that I threw in some original buffalo wings

from Anchor Bar in Buffalo. You can get Kansas City's most legendary barbecue from Gold Belly and if the pizza near you sucks they will ship you New York style pizza from John's on Bleecker or Chicago deep dish pizza from Lumal Natties, I do that all the time, or even New Haven or Detroit style pizza. If you are truly gluttonous though, they will ship you Guy Fieri's famous trash can nachos, which I kid you not are the ultimate game day centerpiece. So if you're looking to host an epic Super Bowl party or any party for that matter, go to goldbelly.com and get free shipping and 20% off your first order

with promo code Dan. That's goldbelly.com code Dan for free shipping and 20% off your first order. Dan Libertard. Oh, I like firing people. So I take the opportunity to fire whenever I possibly can because I can use it as a learning experience for them and try to help them out

and try to point out what they did wrong. But in this case, the employee was enough levels below where I was that I did not do the firing, but I had it done within moments of discovery. I'm just like, I like firing people. It's just absurd. It's absurd. Stugats.

I'm talking about people who I fire who deserve it, who have done something that actively requires me to fire them. It is my unadulterated pleasure to do so. This is the Don LeVatar Show with the Stugats. ["The Iron Libertar Show Theme"] Jeremy so badly wants to talk about this young core for the heat. Can't do it anymore. The backstory-

Where is he, what? We haven't even talked about it. The backstory of what's been happening on the show today is that we've been trying to prevent more heat talk from happening and it's peeking through. No, I'm talking about bathroom etiquette. We're just in the city. All right, Jeremy, you get 30 seconds.

Tell us about the young core that we haven't heard before. I mean, this is a really wonderful setup for me. No, I mean, look, when you're looking at the Miami heat, if you want to hear something you haven't heard before, it's that they have three All Stars under the age of 30, technically. If you include Andrew Wiggins, Tyler Hero, and Bam Adabayo, who have all been to All Star appearances

in the last few years. But what's more important is you look at the actual young cord that they have when you add Andrew Wiggins to it at 29. You have a 20-year in Kaleo wear, a 21 year old in Nicole Jovovich, a 23 year old in Jaime Haquez Jr., Tyler Hero at 25, Bama Di Baio at 27.

There's a future there for the first time. Time! Thank you. Great. The Mets signed Pete Alonzo, and it was a huge... I'm really glad we're talking about this instead. For Scott Boris. Why is Izzy wearing a hockey sweater?

Across the street. Well it's funny because David tried to convince me that I was making a political statement by buying this fairly expensive jersey. Izzy, I asked. He asked. Well, but he thought that that's why I did it and that's kind of a leading question, not a leading question, but it suggests that that's what I want to do. Look, did he profile you as somebody who might want to make a political statement and also use a bathroom that he's not comfortable with you using? Yeah, I'm at the point where I don't even watch the news, so I don't even know what's

going on with tariffs or Canada or anything. There is actually a bit of a funny story to this. I bought this by accident. We famously have spoken about the hockey group chat that Mike Ryan started on the show. Except for from the Hakez group chat. Different, different. Also, I'm in a Hakez group chat. It's called Jaime Hakez is the next Jimmy Butler

and it includes me, Dan, Mike Ryan, and Mike Schur. And we talk about basketball all the time together. Do you have Mike Schur? Do you have Mike's cell phone? Yeah, I have his cell phone number. He told me not to give it to you. Don't give it to you, yeah. He specifically told me.

I'm so glad I'm not in these things. He actually told me yesterday, quote, casually mentioned that we text all the time, but don't give Samson my number. I'll show you that text if you want. So we're on the text thread, right, and I think it was Ethan, well it was Ethan, who mentioned that his birthday, no let me rephrase, somebody had pointed out that these jerseys were now on sale. It was the Four Nations jerseys and it was at the first sale at the Iceplex where the

Panthers practice, which is over by where I live. And it just so happened that I saw those texts as I was a block away from said Iceplex. And then one of the very next texts was Ethan, who I don't know if you know, Pablo, Ethan is someone who works here. We measured him yesterday, didn't we? Whoa. Where'd you start from?

Oh. So Ethan sent a text that said- birthday is Tuesday as if to suggest hey somebody should buy me that and I'm not somebody who just goes around buying people gifts even though I do on occasion but sometimes it just feels like oh it's the perfect set of circumstances. I'm going to buy him this as a birthday gift. I will seem like the greatest person in the world. Right? That's really my intention for all this. And so I get here on Monday or Tuesday, I can't remember, and I ask somebody else who works here, Mally,

if he thinks that Ethan already bought this jersey. And turns out he did already buy this jersey. I asked Ethan to confirm. So rather than return it and get a little bit of money back, I ended up keeping it for myself. So now Ethan and I can match whenever we hang out, which is never. 2010 Winter Olympics, Canada's playing

in the gold medal game for hockey, and I have never in my life seen a more unanimous crowd where every single person was wearing the authentic Canada jersey, stitches and everything. It was just a sea of red. It's pretty dope though, like check out this jersey. It better be for how expensive it is. I bought one, I bought a USA one,

and good God is it expensive. But it just staggered me that there wasn't a single person who scalped their ticket, or a single person said, oh I don't have the jersey, I got this other t-shirt. Everyone was wearing it, it blew my mind. God would it be amazing if they were a state? I mean, then that would be a US victory. I'm stuck on Iceplex.

Every hockey team practices at something where it's a weird ice pun, because the Coyotes, when they used to be the Coyotes, were practiced at the Ice Den. That's what the Panthers called their last practice facility. And then also the thing about the Ice Den was, same thing with Izzy

It's like it's your practice facility also It's kind of open to the public where like other like kids practices from 9 to 11 And then there's free skating yeah 12 to 2 and they have a gift shop And I'm just like I don't think this exists in any other sport where you can just come in and get some open run in Don't the Knicks practice like it's SUNY purchase Is that there was a gentleman at the Iceplex when I went in there who got too close to the windows as the Chicago Blackhawks were practicing and he got yelled at and I was like wow that's an experience. Blackhawks. Blackhawks. Right. Separate from the vultures. I found by the way I was in so- Come on man. We were measuring we were measuring Ethan and David because we were trying to get a scientific verdict from Ron McGill on which of these Two people would the turkey vultures circling the Elsa perpetually be most likely to take away and I found I mean I was on the balcony of my room last night and

I was Admiring the vultures and then I looked up and saw 100 of them perched on the floor above me. 100? I will, I will, I should. First of all, there's hyperbole everywhere in his story. I'm so glad you challenged this. Because it's not perpetual around the Elcer because if you listened to Ron McGillie yesterday,

they migrate here during the winter. Okay, perpetually during the migration season, they're circling the Elcer. God, do you hate not being this far to start? Oh, the NBA trade deadline, guys. It never stops. And someone get Ryan Cortez on live support because his beloved PJ Tucker is being rerouted.

Get Cortez's throat back on the Zoom and open that up real wide. Unclog it. PJ Tucker is going to his original NBA team, the Toronto Raptors, along with second round pick and cash in exchange for the man they call off night, Daveon Mitchell. Oh, off night.

Does that bring them below? Is that the same as trading Kyle Anderson? I've gotta look up Daveon Mitchell's salary, okay. Does that bring them below? Is that the same as trading Kyle Anderson? I've gotta look up Daveon Mitchell's salary, but it might be yes. Because we said that they had till 3 p.m. Eastern, and if they don't get below the tax, then the whole Butler trade's a nightmare, and it sounds like-

PJ Tucker makes 11.5 million this year. Daveon Mitchell will make $6.4 million this year, so. Ladies and gentlemen. They've done it. Andy Ellsberg has done it again. They had no choice. He is the absolute master. I don't know if there's a, well, you guys don't have a salary cap. But like in our sport, when we talk about, hey, they've got 20, 12 hours to get under

this threshold right here. There is nobody, nobody in our league who's as good and creative as Andy Ellsberg, including the year where he got, what's the Slovenian guard, not Goran Dragos, the other one. Zewon? Beno Udre? Beno Udre. He got Beno Udre to just lower the guarantee

on his deal in order to get under. I'm sorry, but make sure we speak to our heat people. I believe what happened here is the Raptors did not want Anderson, and the Raptors knew that they had the Heat over a barrel because they had until 3 p.m. to get below, and then they upgraded to PJ Tucker. Is there a chance that's what happened?

And the Heat didn't wanna trade PJ Tucker, but they had to get under the line more than they wanted to keep Tucker. Close, I would say it's the second round pick in the cash that they squeezed out of him. They got another little draft asset and some money out of it as opposed to just a player for player or maybe a little bit of money.

In a shocking development, Jeremy likes this move for the Heat. Oh I do too. Why? Oh it's not a bad thing, with this team given what their backcourt looks like. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. It's just depth wait what love PJ Tucker Where you think about a Tucker where is Ryan Cortez by the way Chris Cody now knows what Davion Mitchell looks like so he's three

For three like a nice player Davion Mitchell also might be the PJ Tucker of the perimeter that guy is such a good defender That's it. You're talking about Andrew Wiggins BAM Kaleel Ware, Davion Mitchell. Like this team could shut some people down. They got you too. Gap me. I would say that the reason this would be positive in terms of an exchange for Tucker is Tucker likely, given the Heat's front court scenario, was not going to play for them at all.

He would have been a cool guy to have on the bench and motivate some of these younger players. I did say cool guy. And I noticed it because I noticed both of your heads perk up as soon as I did it and thought maybe I could power through that one. But the thing about acquiring a player in Davion Mitchell, does he solve all your problems in the garbage?

Obviously not. But now a 26 year old at a lower number who's also a free agent and can contribute at a position that you need production from as a benefit compared to where you were five minutes ago. Ryan Cortez has responded on Twitter about this move. What? All caps, six question marks.

Okay, now I've had enough fire rally. I can't imagine PJ Tucker and his level of despondency. He's gotta hate the heat now. He went from loving the heat, I just want nothing but to come back there, because they tried to get him, and then he went somewhere else, and she's like, yeah, I definitely want to come back. Oh, sweet, I'm back.

Holy shit, I gotta get out. Do you think he was on a plane already? PJ? If we can find out the travel of PJ Tucker. That's a great one. Did you mean to do that? Was he on his way here no so he was waiting till 3 p.m. they I'm pretty sure when they do the deal they tell him hey man don't don't book that flight yet don't you think that the heat were already knowing that Anderson was not gonna be able to be moved you tell his agent more of a like

hey like so you know, this could be you. You gotta get under the tax, like we're gonna probably move you. David, right now, other than guys like Luka Donchich, for all these flotsam, salary flotsam. Jetsam even. Sure. A great Cody moment right there.

Meet George Jetsam, that's a good Cody moment. But for all these guys, nobody gets on a plane. Everyone just, hold on, relax, until we figure out where all the pieces will land you think Butler didn't get on a plane He's the Jetson. No, he's the non Jetson the non Jetson. I'm trying to be cool here never heard that expression Flotsam you ever heard flotsam and Jetson. I've never heard flotsam and Jetson am I the only one in the room? No, I have no idea. Okay. Thank you flots, thank you. Flotsam is like debris, and then it's like, this is the debris. They were also the pair of Moray eels

in The Little Mermaid. Eels, that's what they were. Yep. Never saw it. You never saw The Little Mermaid? No, I wouldn't watch movies like that. Really? With my kids.

I wouldn't watch movies like that. The seaweed is always greener, and somebody else is like. But now. You dream about going up there, but that is a big mistake. Just look at the world around you, right here on the ocean floor.

But now it's Barack. I don't know, that might, no, no. You put him on tilt. No, no. You finally did it. Not because I can't, but because I won't. Mitch McConnell doesn't want you under the seat. Well, Mitch McConnell wants me to stay under the seat.

That's what it is. The folks across the aisle, they don't want us to get up on the land. Let Cortez in. Is he in the waiting room? Did you guys see Mitch McConnell fell? Oh my God. Three times.

See, both sides of the aisle fall. Ha ha ha ha. Cortez, is Cortez here? Different background or no? This is what I'm excited to see. He's back in Japan. Nope, same every, yeah, same last. Ryan Cortez. He's back. Different background or no? This is what I'm excited to see. He's back in Japan. Oh, nope. Same every- yeah, same left.

Ryan Cortez. Where were you when you found out that PJ Tucker was trained? Japan, clearly. Oh my god. I can't believe this. This is like literally gut- this hurts me more than not getting Durant. The idea that they're gonna lose PJ Tucker. You gotta be- you gotta be kidding me. Can you reveal where you are so we can emotionally have a visual on your actual true self?

If there's a PJ Tucker poster behind you. Oh man. It's so sad because there's the photo that I love when Andy Ellisberg. That's Andy. Cortez has a framed photo of the back of Andy Ellisberg that's right that's an iconic photo yeah but explain the moment though I don't expect everybody to know Andy Ellsberg's back is an iconic thing for you guys

sure no the moment is Nikola Jokic commits a crime on the court and he hits Mark Keefe Moore's in the back, and the whole team is being held back by Andy Ellsberg, of all people, menacently looking like, we're gonna kick Jokic's ass. And I got the photo framed, and then they played Jokic, and they never did anything. So it's sort of a nothing moment now.

Cortez, I hesitate to point out the obvious metaphor here, which is that Andy Ellsberg has turned his back to you. Yeah. You know, he's the one that did it, right? Well, I don't know because there's five people that make decisions, but I'm at the point now where I've had enough of Riley. I'm good. I'm good. I'm Pat Riley. Thank you for everything you've done. Please, please leave. I've had enough.

Cortez, I'm going to dig deeper. No, enough. I'm going to dig deeper with you on this. So Pat Riley may have made the decision, hey, we've got to get under, but the man who made the numbers sing is Andy Ellsberg. And them, ooh, them numbers be singing. Let's go ahead and add it up. Whoa!

Them numbers be singing. Better you than me, man. Them numbers be singing. Magic credit card set? It may be the worst background I've ever seen of anyone who's been on the air. I mean, he has a parakeet jersey. Well, watch your mouth.

You sit in a literal glove. glove like who are you talking about? Love it all you literally sit in a glow 69 Jersey that you're covering with your head parakeet 69 Jersey show some respect that's covering a haslam Jersey, right? And you've done it rather see the haslam Jersey. No, I know 69 is retired I have a Jimmy Butler Jersey that I tried to put here and I was gonna put tape over it, but I don't have any of the tape,

so instead I just have been using it to blow my nose. But listen, I've had enough of Pat Riley. Please. The Miami Heat are now $1.96 million below the first apron, congratulations. That's a winner. Yep, they did it. They also upgraded players in that move too.

This is the part that Parakeet doesn't want to. Davion Mitchell's a really, like a much better player than PJ Tucker at a position they need him to play. Allegedly. I like Davion Mitchell. He has been referred to in the past as one of those guys that is sort of a heat culture player

who's not on the heat yet. I understand the interest. Getting rid of PJ Tucker is offensive to me. That's like the thing that you can't do. That's ridiculous. I just like how that euphemism, he's like a heat culture player who's not in the heat yet means can't shoot, seems to try hard, would enjoy being yelled at. Good at defense. You're a Ben Simmons fan and you're going to sit there and talk try. You would be grateful to have a heat culture player. You had a heat culture player in your midst and you didn't know what to do Organization is a bumbling bunch of fools Butler has never been better than he was during that six years run that should have been a finals run

What he was better the two and three years after that was actually in the finals 56 points talking about final 56 points talking about Crazy not ending the day with Ryan Cortez on the screen in front of her at the end of the day already Jersey I'm just not doing it 69. It's I'm not allowing I just what is your objection to parakeet 69 Jersey It's if I have multiple parakeet. Do you want one? It's nice No doubt jinx Listen the other day on Mystery Crate.

This friendship between Roy and Samson is really throwing me off. The other day on Mystery Crate, we did a top 10 list of the best numbers. And I believe 69 did crack the top 10. It was a very confusing list to listen to, but it was a very good. Don't worry though, we'll get Chris's top 100 numbers

by week every week for the next 99 weeks on Mystery Crate. So everyone has that to look forward to. I think that's what the Super Bowl is actually gonna come down to. Oh yeah, they're doing that, huh? Yeah. Finally we mentioned Super Bowl. By the way, you know last year's,

this year's Super Bowl licks? Next year? Also, Super Bowl licks. LX. Oh yeah! Licking it. OkayX. Oh yeah. Goodbye everyone. Licking it. OK, bye. Friends, it's JerBear.

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