The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz - Postgame Show: Thank You, Billy Bean

Episode Date: August 8, 2024

Billy Bean passed away this week at 60 years old. He was not only a one-of-a-kind trailblazer for Major League Baseball, but also one of Izzy's heroes. On today's Postgame Show, you will hear a section of an interview Izzy recently conducted with Billy. It was their first in-person conversation, and it was a powerful one. Billy touches on an array of topics around coming out of the closet including the tragedy of having to "deny everything that matters to you in hopes that [people] will like you." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Smirnoff, number 21 vodka, distilled from grain, 40% alcohol volume. The Smirnoff Company, New York, New York. Please do not share with anyone under legal drinking age. Izzy, you and I have been trying to put together a documentary here for a while about some of the athletes in sports who have had to overcome the obstacles that are all over the place even today for gay athletes and Billy Beane is at the forefront in baseball of trying to make baseball a or was of trying to make baseball a safer space a more enlightened space for some of the caveman views that have strangled us for

a while in and outside of sports. What is it that we're putting together here to honor Billy Bean now that he has passed at 60 years old as somebody who probably did more work here in baseball than just about anybody? Yeah, Dan, I had a pretty rough day yesterday when I found out that Billy had passed. And one of the things that after my divorce, I just really wanted to just help more people, I guess,

with the difficulties of being LGBTQ in sports and just sort of tell stories and spread messages and whatnot. And one of the people who was super influential to me growing up was Billy Beane. When I was in college, effectively my senior year, he was coming out publicly. And it was the first time I'd ever seen or felt that

from somebody in sports, somebody that I, I didn't know Billy Beane at the time, but I immediately looked up to him for what he had done. And I would say, I'm 47, can I have a career regret already? I have my biggest career regret is that this documentary that you helped me with, helped me begin, hasn't really gotten off the ground yet because I've got hundreds, I mean hours and hours

of just great content. And this was one of them, my interview with Billy Beane. And I had never spoken to Billy before. I had never told him that he was somebody that I admired so much and I had about an hour plus conversation with him as part of this documentary and it was just, it was mind blowing to hear Billy and what basically what you're gonna hear

is just a nine minute segment, a couple things pieced together of him just telling different elements of his story. And I think, Dan, the part that just gets me the most is when you hear him, you'll still hear pain and regret and guilt for not allowing others in, for not allowing others to recognize who he is, for not trusting those other people with this

bit of information that didn't allow him to be the person that he could fully be. He still felt that and in a way it's how he played his career, it's how he was closeted, just held back, he just wanted to keep other people happy and I just connect with that so much and there's a couple of things you're gonna need to know before we get to this interview. One of them was he was married to a woman and I had asked him within the context of the conversation was that a selfish move in your opinion?

Is that something that you were not worried about your wife's feelings so much as you worried about yours and so the question isn't there so that's why I'm saying you need to know that. And then there's where this interview starts which is just at a heartbreaking place he was obviously closeted when he was playing he had a partner for some time nobody knew about him and his partner his partner had HIV at the time effectively a death sentence I want to say in the early 90s he was

with this partner in a hospital, watched him die, walked out of the hospital, couldn't call anybody because nobody knew they were together. And that story in itself was just so heartbreaking. And the idea, some of the concepts that he throws out you out at you during this interview's just like putting yourself in his shoes. It's just a difficult thing to do if you've never been there. And if you have been there, to hear this guy talk about what he went through, and probably until his dying day

feeling guilt about not being able to be the person he is, it's just, it's a lot to handle. And I was just heartbroken that he passed, and he passed in a way I didn't know he had leukemia it was like that it was over a year and it was very much the way he lived just kind of in the background not really wanting to to be in everybody's face and he will forever just be a hero to me. And I walked out of there at 7 a.m. with a plastic bag full of his clothes and I got my car and I had to be at the park at 10 a.m. to go

play a one o'clock game with the California Angels. How did you greet? I just I just couldn't I couldn't deal with it you know and I didn't know who to call or what to say I had never introduced him to any person that I knew. I called his sister, she was the only person that really knew about us, he was a twin. And that was, you know, and I basically said, I can't talk right now, I have to go, you know, and you know, million questions. And, you know, she didn't even know that he was HIV positive. I mean, just to denial the layers of lies and how complicated your life becomes when you can't live transparently.

And it's just so hard to relive that moment. And I wish that I could have said a few things to him before he left. And those days will never And I wish that I could have said a few things to him before he left. And, you know, those days will never come back, you know. I think when I was alone and in the dark, I felt super sorry for myself. And then I started to resent baseball. And then I thought,

I just can't imagine what would happen if somebody found out about me. And I just, without talking to my parents or my brother or Brad Osmis, my roommate, you know, who's giving me a hard time about that choice all the time, like, how could you not believe that we would care about you? I just thought it'd be better if I just skipped out. And, you know, I just saw Trevor and Bochy at the winter meetings and, you know, grabbed a meal with Brad and, you know, we laugh. But then I think when I'm in the mix, there's a sense of disappointment.

And those guys have had, you know, two Hall of Fame careers and a guy's a manager in the big leagues after playing 18 years. Those are great success stories and I'm so happy for them. And I just wonder like what if I wouldn't have given up on myself what I might have been able to accomplish and those relationships is real were so important to me that I was afraid to test what they would be like if someone knew all about me. And I know that you can relate to that.

And maybe part of my life journey allowed someone like you to not wait till it was too late and how many people you touch in this world with your message, with your voice and with your what you're passionate about and it makes me it fills me with joy. Maybe it was selfish. I've met when my story came out and all of a sudden you know people were interested in who I was. I met so many people that were in their 60s that had grown children and had known that they were gay from the age of 10 or 15. And if I'd had one or two conversations with someone in our community, I would not have gotten married.

But I never had that conversation. I thought the only value I have is to be like everybody else. People that you loved and meant so much to you growing up were the same as mine. And what their value system I owned that and I wanted that for me and I didn't believe that I deserved the same. You were actually one of my my influence ability like I was leaving high school when you when you came out and I was going to college and I was going away on my own for the first time and

I was going to this scary place where I knew I was going to be at parties and I was going to be in these places with all these guys and I was like, man, there's somebody who's, you know, has done this. And if you were the first person, I was like, wow, that's entirely different. And so I just kind of packed it away. And I think as I kept going, yeah, your name is always just a source of

just light and just an ability. And I didn't even know any of your details, obviously, before that, sorry about this. And so, it leads me to my question about role models and the need for visibility and not saying, Hey, you know, pulling these guys out of the closet. It's unbelievable that I have been watching you on television for 10 years and not know just, you know, said because I felt invisible and, and like I let a lot of people down. If I would have had any kind of conversation, you know, going through school or something, even if it just kept me in a place where I was clear about who I am.

I would have not hurt so many people by trying to please everybody. There's not enough days in the rest of my life that are gonna allow me to let go of some of those times. And I feel like I've said yes to every single request since I've been here and I'm not tired yet because I had a lot of frustration pent up for a long time and I'm super grateful to be in a position to keep the conversation going. I was comfortable, even though I was so sad, I was comfortable with the way I was viewed by the people from the outside.

If there's anything I can tell people is that once you do shine a light on your life and you just stop lying about things, the quality and the depth of your relationships, your friendships, you know, I was so guarded with my partner when he was alive and I, he was way better to me than I was to him. And I wish I could tell him thank you and you know, my brother, you know, wanted to live with me when I was playing for the Padres and he was in San Diego State and for three years I told him no, like he felt like I didn't love him. And I hate that so much, you know, just, you know, people wonder like, why is it so important? You know, that they just,

I wish they could just feel for a day what it's like to deny everything that matters to you and in hopes that people will like you, you know? And then what's the hard part is you end up really pushing away. Like I can tell how much you love your sisters, you know? And that you lost some time with them and they missed out on some amazing moments and that you could have enriched their life with your life experience, you know, and now hopefully you've made up for lost time.

But those, that exact feeling of like, I thought I was everything for you, you know, and then by our choices it's saying otherwise. And, but in reality they are and you didn't want to alter the way that they felt about you. And so it sounds a little complicated, but... It's a lot complicated. This Billy Beane conversation that you had illuminates for me that at the end of his life, small soothing though it may be, he ended up in a place where he was actually able to live his passions more freely. He got a great deal of identity late in life from the work he was doing for Major League Baseball, in Major League Baseball,

to be supportive of inspiration that people needed. I hope so. I hope he got that feeling. I don't think there's necessarily that feeling of fulfillment because, I mean, like I think he said there, I know he was talking personally, he said it I don't think I'll live enough to make up for some of the things that he regrets but I also think that he probably wanted

to see more people out I would think he wanted to see more a different you know sports scene than he saw when he played and it's pretty similar now but I think the message that I hear the loudest is just that, like the idea that he felt invisible. Like are you kidding me? Like you made the major leagues for one and you did it hiding this great secret, this big secret and then when you come out, like he changed my life but you feel invisible.

Like that's how powerful this sort of overreaching, overriding, like just feeling of doom is because you're just like, well, nobody's going to like me. And it was just so relatable to hear. And I'm not crying because of that. I'm crying because he passed away and it's just so sad that he didn't get to do even more that he was only 60 years old. Yeah. I wasn't aware of your relationship and in that footage. And I'm sorry that you went through that loss.

It seems as though like even though I don't know how deep your relationship went beyond that bit of content But it seems as though you guys struck up quite the connection in that moment. So I'm sorry for your losses He yeah, it was it was like we were only supposed to talk for 20 minutes I think we ended up talking for like 70 minutes and you know, we both cried a little bit as you could see but Yeah, I think that idea of you know, the way he said it at the end there, giving up everything you believe in just so other people would like you, like that's basically what that's like, especially when you're in an environment like sports where you just think the worst of everybody around you in terms of this, right? Howdy folks, we're in August now.

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