The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz - South Beach Sessions - Nicky Jam

Episode Date: December 1, 2023

"I don't know if God brung me here to get a lot off my chest..." Nicky Jam, a beloved Latin icon recognized around the world as a Reggaeton pioneer, shares with Dan the harsh truth about the isolating nature of fame, his battle through addiction, and the chaotic struggle for authentic connections in the spotlight. In what Nicky describes as “the best interview I’ve ever done”, Dan guides him through the demons he had to confront in his family dynamics and artistry in the quest for inner peace and happiness beyond the superficial trappings of success. This is where vulnerability and authenticity collide to remind all of us that we’re not alone.  The holidays can be a challenging time for all of us. If you or a loved one are struggling with loss, addiction, depression, or need help maintaining good mental health, here are some resources to help:  The National Institute of Mental Health at nimh.nih.gov/health/find-help The National Alliance on Mental Health at nami.org TheTrevorProject.org The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration at samhsa.gov/behavioral-health-equity/hispanic-latino The American Society for Suicide Prevention at afsp.org Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to South Beach sessions. We don't usually have this kind of fame around here. There's a lot of bustle around you. It seems like a lot of responsibility to be Nicki Jam. I can say I think I've done pioneer, correct? You feel like a pioneer. You don't have to be humble here. You feel like you helped to introduce this music. I've knocked a lot of doors for this music to be where it is today. I'm one of the ones.

I'm one of the guys that knocked a lot of doors. I can't take all the credit, but there's a lot of records on artists that are not active today that started with me back in the days. So it's been almost 30 years. Your journey is fascinating. I'm curious what you think is most interesting about your journey because I don't know if it came with all of the expected things. What's happening around you, I don't know how comfortable you are in it. Certainly you're used to. But the bustle and the economy around you, the number of people around you buzzing around you, it seems like a lot. I mean, yeah, you know, I mean, it seems like a lot, but most of the people that surround me, they family, you know, they family, they've been with me for more than

a decade. Some of them have been with me for more than two decades. And so I feel good. I feel good with the people I'm with. You know, most, I could say crazy thing about my career is the comeback. You know, I was, I started in 1994, my first album. I was discovered at a, at a supermarket. I used to pack groceries and freestyle while I pack groceries and this lady heard about me and then she took me some weird, she took me that same day, she heard me, she took me to her husband and her husband was, he worked for a record label called MP Records back in the days. I don't know if that record was still exist, but literally bagging groceries, you were discovered bagging the groceries for a customer? Yeah, I used to, that's the way I used to make money

when I was a kid. I make $20 a day and with that I'll buy bread, milk, coke, ham, cheese, and bread, and cigarettes from my dad. And that was like my job every day. And if I wanted to go to the theaters with the with a girlfriend or something like that I will make $20 and I will hope that she won't ask for more than then $20 you know and in the theater because that's sometimes you know you with your girl she won't popcorn she won't do she won't that you were sweating

oh my god it was it was stressful but it's good. It's good to go through that cause it makes you value life way more when you get more money or whatever. But you were dreaming back then. You were thinking to yourself, you're free styling, you're doing it out loud, while you're doing your job, and you're discovered by somebody who just,

Yeah, I became like a celebrity, like you know, a small celebrity there at the supermarket. But like, you know, have you seen this care that he'd be wrapping while he's packing groceries back in the 90s in Puerto Rico, wrap was something that it was new. So for everybody, it was like magic, you know, and I got, I was, I'm always been really good when it comes to freestyle. So I was freestyle, you know, like a freestyle about the letters, the tomatoes, the bread, and all that.

And, you know, with the client that was there, and then, you know, they give me $2, the tomatoes, the bread and all that and you know with the kind that was there and then you know they give me $2, $3 and you know and that's how the lady came to me. They told me you rap, you're not going to rap for me and then I started rapping for her and then she took me, she asked me can you come over with me I'm like no because I didn't know her I was only like 11 years old, 12 years old and I did that album. And from there, the album sucked, to be honest with you, because it's how creative could you be when you're 12 years old. But the reality is the DJs from the underground world, you know, the mixtapes, they like my style. And they're like, yo, he's a young kid, but he could rap. He has a good delivery. So I started, you know, recording and mix tapes.

And I became one of the biggest mix tapes, uh, singers in the industry. No preparation for what it would bring, right? Like what kind of training, what kind of adulthood, what kind of practice did you have with what success brought? I mean, no, I mean, you never prepared for all this for the reality is I didn't know it was going to be as this big, you know, back in the 94 or 90, we would 93. We would just go to a sweet 16 and just ask, we could perform on stage, you know, so from from dream into going stage and letting people let us perform to become in somebody that people will pay you to perform. That's a new ball game. But the reality of everything is, I was very young and I came from a

really, really dark past. My mom was a drug addict. My dad was a drug addict as well. And we was really poor in Massachusetts. My dad, they locked them up because an undercover cop caught him with 25 kilos of cocaine and he paid bail instead of fighting in court for the case. He just took us as a fugitive to Puerto Rico to raise us because he was scared because my mom wasn't in condition to raise us. So he knew something was going to happen. So he took us to Puerto Rico. That's how I got to Puerto Rico to raise us. Because he was scared because my mom wasn't in condition to raise us. So he knew something was going to happen. So he took us to Puerto Rico.

And that's how I got to Puerto Rico. And I was 10 years old. I was born in Lawrence, Massachusetts. What chance do you have of being stable when your life growing up in the formative years is that unstable? Because I cannot imagine what the details are of both parents being addicted to drug. Well the reality of everything is I'm still not stable.

You never going to be stable. It's something that it's a trauma that's going to haunt you the rest of your life. But the reality is I'm a happy guy. I'm always joking around. I have good energy. So I let that take over and I Think music, you know help me a lot and music stabilizes me as you know a little bit I can't say I'm full stable. I can't say I'm full happy. I can't say I don't have my demon from the past

You know my skeletons in the closet. I do have them and I fight with them every day And I think that's just you know something that that that a of people won't say you know like a lot of people see me they call me the the Phoenix you know because I came from the ashes and I did a comeback in my career and you'll probably go there later but um the reality of everything is they probably expect me to be in a perfect uh moment because you know I did a comeback my career is really good and I've done so much and I did my Netflix series and that talks about my life and all that and obviously it's a beautiful story but the story never ended.

You know I'm still here, I'm 42 years old, I'm still performing, I'm still singing, I'm still touring, I'm still fighting with these demons from the past and What you do is you try to you know get better and better every day, you know to take a day by day, but If you ask me how I am now if I'm better than when I was 20 years old 100% If you know if you ask me if I still make the same mistakes that I made back in 20 20 years ago Of course, no, well, you know yourself better, right? 100% 20, 20 years ago, of course, now, well, you know yourself better, right? 100% it also sounds like what you're saying is the come back as improbable as the original Phoenix story is. Is that it sounds like the comeback was even harder if you're saying that's

what 100% 100% it was huge. I mean, I had my hits before my downfall, you know, before I got in jail, before I fell off undrugs and all that, but when I came with the comeback, it was like global hits, you know, I'm talking about back-to-back five songs, number one, in the whole world, global songs would reward that one billion views each, so it's like something that's crazy. It's something that was never seen before in the music industry. And that time now today is different, you know,

because we open doors for singers like Bad Bunny and all these great superstars that are making all these numbers. Cause yeah, you had all these old school cats open in the doors, you know, and making the way. This is a broad question, but what did the downfall teach you? It teach me... It teach me that discipline is everything, you know, discipline is everything, and

a good mentality, a good energy is everything, Because if you think to yourself that you are just trash, you are gonna be trash. If you have a mindset that you are a diamond, you're gonna be a diamond. And if you have your mentality, everything's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay. But another thing that I learned is when you do good, when you were good human being, you're genuine

and you do good things you know, when you were good human being, you're genuine and, and you do good things, you know, bad things could happen, but more good things are going to happen, you know, when you do bad things, it's going to be a train of bad things coming for you, you know, saying you're bringing that bad energy, you're bringing that bad, that that dark cloud to yourself. So that's what I do, you know, I try to have a good mentality. I try to have good energy and try to do good, you know, saying help people and I needed that downfall so I could fix myself as a human being and become the human being that I am today. What needed fixing? A lot of things, you know, I first of all just because I didn't have my mom You know, I didn't see my mom for more than 15 years. I Fell abandoned so I was a rebel. I didn't care about life. I didn't care about dying I didn't care about doing anything. I didn't care about going to jail. I didn't care about Taking somebody's life. I didn't care about nothing

Nothing. I just my mentality like, I don't care because I loved it, right? I loved it. Yeah, 100%. But once I went to Colombia, the country that, you know, gave me everything and gave me that comeback that I felt that the country gave me they backed me up and they told me you were legend. We love you. We backed you up. You know, I'm saying like you're everything. Like they gave me that love that made me love myself, you know, and they made me change

my way in my mentality because this country, specifically Medellin Colombia, the people are so humble. You know, these are people that have you asked them, do you know what street, where's the street? They will stop doing whatever they do and they take you to that street. You know, these are the people that you go to a restaurant and you ask them if they have this particular plate and they're like, no, we don't have that here, but we'll go buy the stuff and we'll make it for you.

This is a country where for them buying the new clothes they're going to wear for Christmas is so big. And in the States, it's not even like that. You know what I'm saying? Like they will tell you like, is that brand new? And they'll be happy with that. And in the States in Puerto Rico, it was like, you will never say it's brand. Is that brand new? And they'll be happy with that in the States and Puerto Rican. Like you will never say it's brand new.

Like, no, no, I've had this, you know, because that's the mentality we have, you know, the Puerto Rican mentality is specifically. So if I was already a humble guy because my dad's shown me that, Medellin made me way more humble. And I transmitted that on social media as soon as a Instagram was

Available as soon as they gave those 15 seconds of video on Instagram. I was probably one of the first influencers Known in the Spanish world and that's why I became so famous, you know, I have almost 50 million followers and I don't even post anything anymore, you know, like I've stopped posting on Instagram and all those followers because of the impact I caused in that time that I was showing my life and showing people, you know, who I was really in the new Nikki jam and the new mentality and the new energy I had and I showed that to the world and that's what made me the guy who I am today. I'm not sure you finished the answer on what needed fixing.

I know with me when I do therapy, one of the things that I wish the most for myself that I have some difficulty with is I have a hard time forgiving myself or being gentle with myself wherever the failures or the downfalls are. How did you treat yourself as somebody who felt a little bit unloved when you're looking at yourself and you're like, I need fixing, I don't care about anything, I'm unloved. Um, I think, I think first of all, just cleaning myself, you know, with drugs, that was one of the first movements. And before I went to

Columbia, it's crazy, but there was a small church, and I heard a preacher. He was preaching, and I stopped in my car. I was on my way to Columbia, and I knew I was going to move to Columbia, and I knew it was a country that was going to give me what I needed, the piece that I needed and everything that I needed to get back on track. And I went to this church, I was standing behind the church in the preacher. He was preaching and he would say, I know that, I know why you came here and then he kept preaching and he kept talking and he said, it's time. And then he kept talking and he kept preaching whatever he was saying. So I felt he was talking to me.

And then I just walked to the preacher and I got on my knees and I started crying and I cried for almost a half an hour. I was letting everything go, everything out. All these things that I saw, my mom, my dad, doing drugs, I felt like I had zombies in the house. I'm saying all the bad things that I saw that there's so much things that we probably don't even have the time for me to, you know, tell you everything that I saw with these eyes when I was a kid in my house. And all the things that I saw, what

I was getting, what I was raised, getting raised in the hood, you know, you know, how people go to war, right? And they see so many ugly things and see so much blood and so much unreal things that they they they never come back the same, you know? And I saw so many so many of this in the hood, but I'll even go into war. And I had all this inside, you know, and push down like was it repressed in some of the Latin male places where when you start sobbing, you know, and pushed down like was it repressed in some of the Latin male places where When you start sobbing you can't even believe it because you're finally letting go exactly and I just I just cried

I cried for so long. I was letting all that out and I'm telling you that was the day I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior and I felt Automatically automatically that I got all these breaks out of my body. I felt I was way better. And then when I got to Columbia, my energy was so good that I just felt that I cleaned myself and I got way better. I mean way better. That's what I'm saying.

You never fully recover, you know? You never fully... What's a daily struggle you're saying? It's a fight you're saying. They're daily demons. You don't figure, you're humble enough to know that you never fully what's a daily struggle you're saying it's a fight you're saying they're daily demons You don't figure your humble enough to know that you do not have it conquered and that you can remain powerless in its presence You're not gonna fall anytime, you know You never know, you know, you could fall anytime because you we the end of the day. We are human beings

We're not robots, you know, it's like it's like it's like when people say no I don't like going to church because I see a lot of Hippocrits and church and a lot of people like but you wrong man when you go to church They're not angels they're human being they have demons too Even the pastor got demons, you know, I'm saying that everybody in that church is fighting They all there because of the reason they want God to clean themselves to clean them So, you know, it's we have a battle every day. What's happening with you before though,

when you're in front of the church, like how lost were you? When you say you knew Columbia was gonna give you what you needed, what were you searching for and where were you in the dark place? Oh, I was in the dark as whole in the world because I was doing so much drugs. First of all, I was doing 30 perks a day, minimum.

You know, my career was in the floor. I was the embarrassment of Puerto Rico. Everybody was making fun of me. Nobody wanted to record a song with me anymore. This is after me, I haven't so many, so many hits and being a young superstar in Puerto Rico. And I went through some years where it was just embarrassing, you know, to be me, it was embarrassing.

I got so much weight and a fat probably got a, I was probably weighing almost like 260 something like that and self-esteem in the floor, not only physically and mentally and the music, everything, Not only physically and mentally and the music, everything, everything. The reason why I decided to move to Puerto Rico to Colombia was because I was in Puerto Rico not doing anything and no shows and I can't even barely pay the rent. And they call me for a show there and I went there and when I went there, I had to change my voice and act like I was my own manager, you know, saying like put the deep voice and act like I was my manager. And when I went there, I remember that all the performers there were there before me, were like really popping, like they were doing so good. And I was like, you could say the wack is one because my songs were like old. But the reality is what people saw as old songs in Puerto Rico, they saw as

classics in Medellin, Colombia. So for them, they were really waiting for me. They didn't care about the newborn. They wanted to see the legend in their mentality. I don't feel myself as a legend. Because for me, a legend is somebody that had more than 40 years. Like now I can feel like now you can tell me I'm a legend and I probably I could probably like understand why you tell me this but in that moment I was like I had a lot of good years in my career but a lot of bad years. So I didn't feel I was a legend and and then I went to this country and everybody made me feel so good I got on stage and it was like standing ovation and I started performing my songs and people being really crazy and that gave me like hope, you know, like, well, wait a minute.

What were the 30 perkestets doing just making you not look at the shame? Um, num? Probably making me not feel anything and not care about anything. And it was just something for me to feel good. The reality is, I did every drug. I did cocaine. I did weed. I did perks.

I did ecstasy. I was in the ecstasy time where I was a raiver and I used to do ecstasy. And for some reason, perks gave me the same feeling that ecstasy gave me without driving me too crazy because ecstasy is too much. So I just felt good and it made me feel good, but the problem is when you get into a drug,

when you do something like heroin or perks that it's similar because it has the opium on it, you're a slave of that first high and you're always looking for that high, but you never get it. It's never like that first time. So you become a slave of that first high. And it comes to a moment where if you don't take the drug, your body hurts. And it's not one day of hurting. It's two, three, four, even five days of hurting your body is destroyed because it needs the drugs. So I was avoiding

those three days. I knew because I've hurt other people that stopped and it was something I didn't want to go through. It wasn't until I got to Columbia that I said, okay, I want to clean myself. I have this good energy. I feel way better about myself. I have to stop doing drugs. Have you examined the roots of the behavior

or is it, you get famous, you get to success, you try something and it feels good and then you can't stop and I don't need to examine whether it's self-medicating or not. The reality is a lot of things. First of all, I come from a mom and a dad that come from the addicted personality. That's the first thing and the second thing is,

in the movement of the streets of Puerto Rico, it was so common. Everybody was doing it. It was like, you don't do it? People were surprised if you didn't do drugs. So, you know, it's like everything. You start with, you start with a cigarette. From cigarette you go to weed, from weed you go to coke.

Coke you go to this and that, that when you realize you get hooked onto something that really, you really find yourself, you know, I would have to travel with these if I had if I was touring and I'm not talking about I would do these tours and make a lot of money. I'm talking about a thousand dollar per show tours, you know, I'm saying because it was like the only thing I could get in that time that I was in my downfall. If I was a whole month, time that I was in my downfall. If I was a whole month, I needed probably to take 300 perks, 400 perks. So part of the money that I made on the shows were for the pills. And then I would

travel to these places with these perks on a I will buy a buyer of, you know, aspirin and, you know, the prox looks a little bit like buyer So I would just fold that bottle and put it in the bag and travel everywhere with that If I were to lost that it would have been a problem because it would have been two or three days of Agony of the pain and you knew while you're in it. You're addicted. You know 100% and you're is there some shame in it or is it just time? I mean the reality is when you were hooked on Joe, you don't care about shame.

You have no time for shame. You need to find more perks. You know what I'm saying? There is no shame. The shame is when you have to ask somebody for money to buy that's the shame and that happened a lot. You know what I'm saying? Like I had to ask like random people that I would never ask

because you're a drug addict and you need to feed it, you know what I'm saying? You need like they say, you need to feed the monkey and how you gonna feed it? You gotta ask for somebody, you know, sometimes I would do crazy stuff. Like I would go to a show and I did this, this happens a lot, I would go to a show

and a lady would, you know, be like, yo, I would tell the lady of the show, like, can I use your computer? Like, can I use your laptop? And I knew I didn't have no more money because I wasted the money of the show. I was still a laptop. And I would sell it. I would take it to a pawn shop to buy more

when I got to the state. So it was like, it's horrible. It was just horrible. I was those sort of the kind of things. And the other shame was all the things that were happening, like, you know, it's horrible. It was just horrible. I was those are the kind of things. And the other shame was all the things that were happening, like, you know, child support, I didn't have money to pay it. You know, it would take my cars away, stuff like that. Stuff that would happen to a person that does not have money to pay their,

uh, their, their addiction. Without rummaging too much in the scars left by your parents, can you explain to me what it is that your childhood imprinting is that is hardest for you to shake or adjust or accept in adulthood about yourself? Wow, I could say, I could say not having my mom, you know, it's something that is the biggest car, you know, like a mom is everything. With that, you could say, you know, we do need my dad. You need your dad and I love my dad with all my heart. And my dad was my mom and my dad.

But the reality is, a mom is very important, you know, and anybody's life. And I think that I feel like, you know, I feel like, wow, you preferred drugs over your son. You know, and that hit me hard. And that made me be the rebel that I was for a long time. And till this day, my mom and me and my mom, you know, we linked up together after a lot of years,

we found me in the Dominican Republic in a show. And I know it was gonna happen, because I felt it was gonna happen. But till this day, we do not have the relationship that mother and son should have, you know, just because of all the time that we wasn't together. It's like, you know, being with somebody that you don't know. And it could be awkward sometimes, you know,

could be uncomfortable, but you keep trying. Do I forgive her? Of course, I forgive her 100%. You know, I bought her a house. I take care of her. Is it 100% though because it sounds like wherever it is that your self-esteem was lacking in some of those places, you could trace it to, hey mom, the feeling of you chose addiction over me, a child looking at that, what can't shake that kind of rejection. So you say, I forgive her 100% and I ask you, do you? I probably don't. I probably don't know that that's a situation in my life.

You know, I'm gonna be honest with you. I probably, it's probably something that, you know, I probably need that therapy. You know, I've never been to a psychologist, I say, psychologist. Psychiatrist. Psychiatrist, I've never been, I've never done that. Iotic, I say psychotic. Psychiatrists. Psychiatrists. I've never been, I've never done that. I've always...

Well, Latin males have trouble with this. I've meant... I know that I had to feel... I needed help and I had trouble asking for it. But the things you're talking about, of course, they're going to leave damages and they're going to leave damages if unexamined will affect your relationships. All of them, the way that you trust people, women, anything like this, if you don't find wherever the forgiveness is for, hey, mom, you left me damaged here by making me feel like I wasn't worthy of love because the drugs mattered more to you. I'm surprised you have that viewpoint as someone who has also had trouble with drugs and probably wouldn't say to anyone that I'm choosing drugs over love. Well, the reality is, like I said, I probably do need it.

I probably do need to recover from that 100% and I do need to forgive for 100% and I probably do need help, you know. I'm just being honest with you 100% um, probably have to make a move, probably have to sit down with somebody and talk and see what's my situation, probably it's because what you said, you know, probably me being Latin and being a man, thinking I'm very, because I'm a smart guy. And sometimes I feel like I'm on my own psychologist, you know, saying and I have that I'm a strong guy, but you're never that strong You know reality is we all need help. We all need somebody to help us You have found some solace in religion when you're telling the story of

Falling before the priest I can imagine wherever a Latin repressed man or repressed child is I can imagine the release of finally letting go of I've been trying to shove all this stuff down. I don't know how much crying you did when you were younger I it sounds like you saw a horror after horror, but the freedom of release Must make you feel very close to God to just let go of Whatever it is it was tormenting. God helped me a lot. But sometimes we move away from God. I can't say, I'm talking about that moment that I accepted God as my Savior. It doesn't mean that I stuck with God. It doesn't mean that I became a church person. It doesn't mean that, you know, then success came. You know, a huge success came. And when a lot of success, a lot of temptations come, you know. And so it's like I'm saying, like I'm saying,

I have a new battle now, you know. I have a beautiful career. I have four beautiful kids. They're 21, 21, 18 and 11, but they're kids that I've had with different women and they're not kids that I raise them there in my house. That probably make a lot of change in your life too and reason why probably I don't have that That affection with my kids like normal parents would have is because probably I didn't have that you know And a lot of people say that they give They tried to give to their kids whatever they They didn't they didn't have that's a lie

That's not always like that. Because how you're going to get something you never had, you don't know how to do it. Sometimes when you have a good house in your house, you have love, it's easier to show love. Because they showed you that. It's a foundation. You saw that. You saw how mom should treat that and how dad should treat mom and how dad and mom should treat the kids. So it's something that you're prepared for and you're raised and you're trained for that. I wasn't trained for this, you know. And that's why some people would judge me sometimes, like, oh, why you have so many relationships. But then they

see my story in the past and they see my Netflix documentary and then they say, oh my god He had it hard Okay, so now when you see me and unstable relationships you should understand where I come from You know and they still judge me, you know, they judge me because I I last one year with a relationship. It's just cuz You know, it's it's a Probably a matter of time where I could be a stable guy, you know, probably I still have a lot of healing to do. You know, and when you have all this toxicness inside you, it's hard for you to like, you know, give the best of you, the best version of you to any girl.

But also, what does love look and feel like to you if you have spent a lifetime feeling on love? Exactly. Exactly. And even though I give a lot of love, you know, even though I'm a guy that you can ask anybody about me and I'm the guy, I'm a bragging, you know, you can ask any of my friends or any of my ex-girls. And they're going to say, he's a, you know, he's a good guy.

He gave me so much love. He just has a problem with being stable, you know, just staying like, I don't know. I feel like I'm a free spirit. I just can't be, I can't have nobody lock me in, you know. But if you didn't have any discipline in your childhood, if you don't have parents teaching you something, I don't know what you feel like you learned in your childhood, then of course you're going to be a free spirit, right? Like what you're going to be a rule breaker because when have you ever had to adhere to rules? 100% 100% no agree 100% and that's just the way it is, you know, but the world don't understand that and I ain't trying to make the world understand anything because the reality of everything is just it's my life You know, it's I have to do my own healing. I have to understand myself. I had to understand what I do I try to fight with the world and I try to make the world understand me because the reality is

If you don't live what I live if you didn't go through what I go through you never gonna understand me It's like my mom mom wasn't the best mom in the world But then I learned about her story what she went through when she was a kid. And I forget their understanding. Probably not forgive their 100%. Like you said, but I understand her. And I don't judge her one bit. Cause then my life came through

and then I saw how I acted and the way I do things and I'm like, okay, you know, probably my kids have to understand why I came from and the way and why I act the way I act and why I do the way things I do. Where were you in your life? I don't know what the period was. How many years it was between success, then the shame that you're saying you're a punchline.

You say people are laughing at you, you're living in your shame, and then you make an improbable comeback. When in there, over how much time that was, did you consider yourself most hopeless about the idea of a comeback even being possible? What were the details happening in that space in your life? Like I could say, I started in 1994, right?

And it wasn't too, and then I blew up like around 98, 98 was when I became like the biggest, you know, the biggest young artist in Puerto Rico. And 2003 was when I caught my case and they put me to jail. You could say from 2003 to 2011 was the worst a year of my life. It was disastrous and where I felt like I would never come back.

I thought, like, misery was just my life. And my mentality is like, let's all come back to me. I would never imagine what's going on with me here, but the mindset is everything. Because when I went to Columbia, my energy changed so much. And the way I was thinking and the way I was sleeping and how happy I was for everything that happened.

Another thing happened was, I did so drugs, so much drugs once that I had a brain problem. You know, it's a motor system, the part of the brain that controls the movement of your body was affected. And I almost like lost it. You know, like I was walking one day

and I couldn't even stop my movement and I was just scared and of course I did so much drugs I said and ecstasy and all this that my brain was just Not working so So I thought I was gonna die. I thought was gonna be you know somebody on a bed forever and Just you know surpassing that that and getting better of that made me enjoy life better and all this happened in Colombia. So everything the time was perfect.

These people, this country's loving me, backing me up, telling me I'm the best, I'm a legend, I'm everything and at the same time, I'm feeling better about my health. I stopped doing drugs. All that combination set what's set the tone for what's for what happened the rest of my career and all the success. Performance give you anything that the 30 perksassettes we're giving you. Like is the performance is the high of the performance, is the music something that can even be comparable in any way, any, any place where you're so emotionally connected, whether it's performing in Columbia, Puerto Rico, that it's, it's even comparable to what a drug's artificial high can be. I could say create in music, not really a performance on stage.

I like performing on stage. I enjoy the people and yes, it gives me a lot of energy, but create in music is what gives me that same thing that drugs would give me. Inspired because you feel something deeply emotional. This is the best you. Is it not the one? This is the most confident to you. the one who's preparing something in the studio is the artist in you most

speaking in the humble language of art. Psycho chef, you know when he's cooking, you know, he feels he's doing his magic, you know, and it's The drugs make you feel magic to sometimes too. The answer to you. And, you know, something about creating music, writing music, and producing makes me feel that, you know, probably, it's something that happens time by time, because I'm not gonna lie there. At times where I just don't even want to create. This time there's just don't want to do music.

I don't want to do anything. I just don't want to work. But what's the I just don't want to do music. I don't want to do anything. I just don't want to work. But what's the answer to that question? Why am I not doing this more? Like, what is the answer to how do you? Probably is. Sometimes I just don't want to do it. Sometimes I just don't feel like it.

Sometimes I just don't want to create. Sometimes it doesn't give me the same feeling that it gave me in those days that I'm talking about, you know, sometimes it happens. Sometimes it's just don't push like that. You know, I'm tired of it. I've been doing this for 30 years, you know? It's a lot, and I'm 42 years old, you know? It's not like I'm old, but I have a career

that old people have, you know, it's lasted 30 years and nobody could say you have a 30-year allowed to be tired occasionally, you're allowed to, you're, you're due, you've been doing it for 30 years, you've been your own economy, you've been running from demons, you're allowed occasionally to not want to do it. What came with fame you weren't expecting? Like, what's the stuff that came with success that when you dream, when you dreamt of what you wanted this to be, you're like, oh, I didn't know that that came those problems came with that. I could say feeling

Let me see the word on Can I say an in Spanish? Yeah Embadido When you're timid to feel they have the right to just step on your life. They take a piece of your life saying you know, saying, and there's no respect for your intimacy, you know. I understand that once you become a public figure, you probably have to, you know,

say, say, buy it to all that, but the reality is, I feel like people, whoop, you know, it's scary sometimes. It's scary how people could just get into a life like that and think they could judge you and put everything out there. That's the bad part about fame, you know. Today, we're not in the 70s, you know, Elvis Presley and even Elvis Presley had problems and we know how he ended but the reality is he didn't have this if he was crazy in the 70s imagine now with this there is no privacy there is no privacy people would say hi with

the phone in your face people will ask you for a picture recording you. People will record everything. It's like a whole bunch of zombies with phones in their heads. And it's just, it's scary, you know? That's just my mentality. I'm not saying I don't appreciate my fans. I love my fans. I love the people that love me. I love being loved. You know what I'm saying? My hero was my grandfather rest in peace. He was a guy from Spain and He lived in the street until this day they called that street a lot of the street because he used to help everybody in the neighborhood If somebody needed a hammer, he'll give him a hammer somebody needed money to buy groceries He was like the hero of that street and I always wanted to be

Like my grandfather. So till this day. I love my people. I love my fans and I love to help my fans and be there But there's there's another part There's other people that are not fans Because a family family Talk shit about you a family. We'll try to make you feel like you want a ground or a family disrespect you like that. A family judge you. That's not a fan. And that's the part where it really, I didn't, to be honest with you, you asked me what

I didn't know, but in the second part of my career, my manager went to my house more than five times trying to, you know, make me come back and I didn't want to do it. And I told him, I remember, I don't like what comes with this fame. I'm scared of it. I told him, I told him straight up. I'm scared of it. But he was very smart and he knew how to, you know, take me time by time, but I was telling, bro, I don't think I want to go back to that. I just want to make a little money here and make a one here a couple of shows here. I don't want to be big. He's like, you don't know how big you could be. And I know how big I can be. I just don't know if I want to do it.

Well, what were you scared of? Because it sounds like you thought it might just be applause. And then you realize, oh, wait a minute. There's cruelty in here. Feeling violated, you know, feeling invaded by the people. You know, when you have your own situations, you know, it's not easy. I mean, imagine a normal person feeling invaded because mom got into his problems and probably two neighbors. Imagine the world

You know the whole world making fun of you The whole world saying oh you messed up all that's what it felt like to you It felt like to you everybody that everyone was laughing at you Not only that not only in the past when I know even when I break up in a relationship till this day, you know, it's just, that's the bad part of it. I'm talking about the bad part. There's a lot of good things I can talk about in my career. A lot of good things I can tell you, that's about the bad. I gave you the bad. That's the bad one. That's the one that I don't like. That's the one that I don't respect. That's the one that sometimes makes me angry and makes me say, fuck the world. You know what I'm saying?

And I'm sorry, you know, it's just me being me. That's just the way I am. I don't like people, you know, thinking they could get into my life because you don't know me. You don't know what I went through. Like, it's, why would you judge me if you don't know every part that I went through? Like, what, you don't know the story.

You know, you can't judge people if you don't know the story. People don't know what the fuck they talking about and they just talk, that's the bad part. If I may though, it feels like you've got a little bit of armor up here and I wouldn't blame you because it is invasive and if you're sensitive in this area, wherever it is, you can't trust the internet with your vulnerability.

You cannot trust that people are going to be kind instead of cruel about whatever difficulties you might have with love. But it's not only internet. It's not only internet. It's when you walk on the street. It's when you go buy something. You know what I'm saying? I wish it was just internet because you turn off the fucking phone. But sometimes you buy groceries. You know, and somebody comes in and like, yo, what happened, you know, it's crazy. I know it comes with the territory. It comes with being a public figure.

It comes with being a superstar. It's just the part that I don't like. I'm not saying that I'm gonna go crazy over this and I hate the world and I don't like people. No, I love people. I love good people. I love good people. You know, I love real fans. It's like the other day, bad bunny.

Um, and shout out to bad bunny if he hears this. Uh, he, uh, I remember he, uh, there was, uh, there was a situation with him with somebody recorded him and he threw the phone out. And first, the first mentality of mine was like, okay, that wasn't okay, that was fucked up. But then he did a song where he said, you know, the person that put that phone that I threw the phone in the water when they put that phone,

that person wasn't really my fan. And I understood him a hundred percent. Cause the reality is, if you really are fan of somebody You you talk to that person's like yo, I admire what you do These people just want some of these people just want to trophy for their Instagram. They don't give a fuck about you They just want to show off. They just want to brag and they don't even have like You know decency to come to you in a good way. Like sometimes people come to me like, yo, can I get a picture?

I'm like, yo, say hi. Say hi first, man. Give me a hug, man. I just told you. You're just craving a human connection. Just to have a normal human moment. Yeah, like, you know, like if you're a fan, really? Like, you love me like that.

Show me that. Don't show me your name. You need me for your phone, for your social media, because you just want attention, because the reality is, that's the biggest drug today, attention. Everybody wants attention.

That's just sad. What were you equipped with the second time that you arrived at the attention that you were better equipped to handle because you were more mature, more of an adult. You had learned things from the first time that you liked or didn't like in a period. You said it right there. You said it yourself. I was more mature, more adult. I've learned out of all of my mistakes. And that made me, I always said this.

I said, God gave me the fame that I have today in a good time. Because if you would have gave me this money that I have now and fame when I was 20, it would have been a problem. But he gave it to me in a moment where my head is stable and I have a more business mentality now. I have a more mature mentality. But the reality is, you know, it was a lot of fame and a lot of success. And sometimes, you know, you have to be trained for this, you know, and I was trained a little bit, but sometimes, you know, it's lonely in the top, you know, you feel lonely in the

top because it's right now, I'm in the moment in my career where I love it I enjoy it because I'm not the number one artist in the world anymore because there's there's always gonna be a number one Artisan the world you know saying today is me tomorrow is somebody else and then somebody else Because that's the way you can't just be on top forever. It's just life is the way it works But I have I have a lot of fame. I'm successful, but I'm not in the spotlight as much and I can move around a little bit better, you know? And I'm enjoying that.

I'm enjoying that. My brand is still big. I'm still touring around the world. But I can move a little bit easier because I'm not the number one. When I was the number one artist in the world in that moment, I was really sad and scared. You know, happy because of my success, scared about what's going to be the math on all this. You know, it's too much. Every year I will come out with a number one hit,

you know, a global hit and every year it got bigger and bigger and I felt that more enemies and more MB and more haters and more, you know, it's a scary moment. And if you're not prepared for it, you could go crazy, you know, eventually, you know, I was prepared for it, but it's a lot it's a lot you got to be really smart to deal with it I mean I don't like right now and I know I've mentioned it twice already but

bad bunny I don't know like he's the biggest artist right now in the world I don't know how he thinks you know I don't know how he feels but you don't envy it necessarily right dude like you're looking at it and like man that seems like a lot that's you know I don't know how he feels. But you don't envy it necessarily, right? Dude, like you're looking at it and like, man, that seems like a lot. That's him. But I don't envy it. Nothing. That's how I went through it. Remember this, that money right now is no more

in artists in the world. It doesn't mean that 10 years from now is going to be one with bigger numbers in him. But it doesn't mean that he didn't feel the same thing. You know what I'm saying? Oh, I'm asking you, if you look at that, when I say envy, I don't mean envy. I say, do you look at it and like see a lot of pressure?

I feel like that. Like a lot. Yeah, but I got it the way you said, I'm trying to say is that it's scary. Like I know what I've went through the same thing. It's what I'm saying. Lonely how though, when you say lonely at the top, what are you thinking of there?

Everybody wants a piece from you, man. Everybody wants a piece from you. It. Everybody wants a piece from you. It's just not, you're distrustful. You don't every, there's a demand on your time. You don't know who to trust. It's you're alone with your responsibilities. No one knows what it's like to be you. And they just want Nicky Jen.

They don't want Nick Rivera, you know what I'm saying? It's just, is that. And it's the scary moment because you don't know where it's gonna end, you know, it's like Wow like you really need to be really strong for that and and It's it's a scary situation and nobody knows what it is until you there, you know Well when you say these people don't know what it's like to be mean these people who don't These people who are judging me and don't have any idea about the details of my story. What are the details of your story that you would like them to know? Not necessarily to soften them,

but to explain to them who you are and how you are imprinted and where it is that your flaws reside and where you accept them and where you'd like to be better. Well, I think I explained it with everything that I've said in this whole interview. I mean, you know, it's just, you know, it's I'm a guy that like to keep to myself my intimate life. I do have no, I have no filter when it comes to talking, but at the same time, there's a line where I don't like to be crossed.

I'm a humble guy. I just don't like to be judged, does it? You know, I don't like to be judged. That's it. You know, I don't like to be judged and I and and But that it comes with a territory. I understand, you know, it comes You understand the question I'm asking you. I'm talking about the things that imprinted you the people who are judging whatever it is let's make it it bothers you that they're judging your relationships What would you like them to understand about, hey, do you know what it's like to come from a life in Puerto Rico where I was singing for money

and my parents were both drug addicts and I didn't have a very good chance at success in life from there. Well, to answer your question, I did a documentary just for that. I did a documentary just for that. I did a series just for that. So they know, but they still don't know. I want them to know what, what, what is like to be Mickey and what I've been through.

That, you know, what I did with my documentary is not easy to show the situation of my, my mom's addiction, my dad's addiction, my addiction, I open myself to them, I show them my story. So that's in a way, I'm gonna tell you something, my legacy is my story. Cause it shows you where you could come from the deepest hole in the world. And if you have discipline and you have love for yourself

and you have love and you have a good mindset and you love yourself, you could come out of any hole, you know? And especially if you have God with you, but even even if I showed and I This literally opened myself to the to the world with my story You still gonna receive judgment. You still people because they don't understand they forget They can see the documentary today and say wow, Nikki. I remember when they came out in 2018 But like they saw me I posted a car in my Ferrari like Nikki you deserve it

What you mean I deserve I deserve it because you saw my story you saw where I went I have to join that one of my work for my shit. I deserve my car because I worked for my car Not because I went through all that shit, you know what I'm saying? But a year goes by and they forget about it and What I want people to understand is Who I am where I came from What I went through What I did to be where I'm at today and the type of you are being I am, you know, and One of the thing is you got to know me before you judge me. You can't judge somebody without knowing the person just that

That's just that's just that. Why did you open yourself up that way in the documentary? What was the need? The impulse for it and what was difficult to share? It was difficult to share the situation of my mom, you know, because it's in a way I, I feel like I have invaded her, her intimacy. And I invaded my dad's intimacy. And I did talk to them, but I know they weren't comfortable with it, you know, and I didn't, and I did my part too. So I was really hard with it, you know, and I'm and and I didn't and I did my part too

So I was really hard for me, you know to show all that and you know, just talk to my mom and say mom, you know I'm gonna do this story I'm gonna show my story and what we went through, you know and a lot of people judged my mom Because they don't know the her story, you know. A lot of people judge my dad, mostly my mom. And you know, it's a hard situation. But the reason why I did it was, because I felt that I needed to, I needed people to learn from my story. I needed to get a lot off my chest.

You know, I needed people to know who I am and where I came from, and I wanted to do it in life. I didn't want to die, and then people somebody else tell my story. I wanted to tell my own story. I wanted to be there while people saw my story. But why the need to feel the freedom of I'm going to show everyone everything? Because I don't think nobody had a story like mine.

I don't think people, there's a lot of people that went in the music industry, that went through what I went through. In life, yes, a lot of people suffering in the world. A lot of people went through a lot. I don't, I don't doubt that, of course. It's called life. It's the world is crazy. It's fucking world is, it's fucking crazy.

But I felt that people had to know my story. It was an urge I had. I woke up one day and I said, I wanna tell my story. I want people to know why of a lot of things. Why that time that I was the embarrassment, why I went through those things, why those rebel moments, why every moment of my life? Because it has to make sense after you see my story.

Is that? You proud of yourself? 100%. I am part of myself. How did you get to better self love? Loving other people, taking care of my family, you know? Taking care of my friends. I'm a good friend. I'm a good father. I'm a good son. You know, I could sit down and say, hey, I took my dad out of a hood and

out of the hood and I put him in a got him in his house. I got my mom's house. I got my sisters out, you know, I'm saying I take care of my. I'll take care of people that I don't know. I would answer DMs from people of Venezuela in different parts of the country that need a situation to help, even my best friend, one of my best friends, he's from Venezuela and he even told me, yo, you got a cheer, you got a stop helping these people.

Cause some of these people are taking advantage of you. They don't even need help. And they just, you know, it's just a scam, you know, and I would help people, because I like helping people. I feel good. I like watching people smile, you know, like when I give somebody something and sometimes I can see a movie and I see somebody going through something and it's something that I know

that I could like fix. And I'm like, wow, I wish I was right there and I could fix that situation for that person, that person right now sleeping on the floor. And he don't have a bed or he don't have a house to sleep in or he's in the street. I would have helped in that moment. Even when I start pursuit of happiness,

I would have wanted help that guy when he was sleeping and about the wood of sun and just giving him some place to stay, that's the type of person that I am. And that's why I'm proud of myself, because I like doing right. I like helping people. I like seeing people smiles and they face when I help them. You know, I will stop and my sister's the same way.

Like my sister will take over. Sneakers to give to you if you like them. You know, that's just the way we are. When did you feel least free? Least free? Right now, to be honest with you, I can't say why. But I could say right now is when at least free I feel. Is there any, is it too close to the bone to ask you for more specifics there? because one would imagine that at this place in adulthood without knowing the details of what you're trying to protect

here and without trying to be invasive, one would think that at this point you are freer than you've been. For some reason, because of the fame, because of friends that I have that don't make me feel like that because in general, you know, fame more than everything, I could say, I don't feel free. I think people would be surprised to hear that just because what they imagine success to look like and because you do obviously have a gratitude for all of the good things that success has brought you. Yeah, I do and I'm grateful and I appreciate every fan and I appreciate everybody, but I'm being serious. I do not feel free today. I don't and if and if and I think that's if you don't feel free, you don't have peace. And the most important thing in the world is peace, you know? That's what we really need in life. That doesn't mean that I'm not steps away from it. I could be, you know, I am planning other things in life, but I do not feel free. And it's, and it's, and you tell me this,

and it, and it, and it hurts me, you know, in a way, because I'm, I'm just being real, you know, I can't lie. And for some reason, I don't know if God just bring me here to just talk and get a lot off my chest. But yeah, I do have success. I have a beautiful career. I have family. I have everything.

Does that mean do I feel free? No, I don't. Where does happy fit in there? Because I would imagine some of what you're saying there again not trying to press too much here that there is distrust that an absence of peace comes with I cannot trust motives, I cannot trust intimacy, I cannot trust people that treat me like a human being whatever it is it seems like there's earned distrust there. I think it comes with the territory, not to feel free and not to be a hundred percent happy when you come when you're when you're famous.

I think it just comes with it and you just have to take it because it's what I have, you know, it's just what I'm a performer. I'm a singer. I'm a famous person and it comes within and and and and how many people How many artists how many famous people been through what I've been through and some of them But some of them are not with us today just because of that situation you know some of them Are just sad some of them were depressed some of them

Even stop performing stop being famous because they didn't like what it came. I mean, you know, there's so much that it could be, but there's so much I can't say here on this mic right now, you know, saying because I just don't feel like it. But I think I said a lot. Well, people would imagine that it's all your dreams coming true and all your dreams coming true, especially when you have the gratitude of not everyone gets this part of the story because being broke and being poor is one thing, but being broken, being poor and then being very rich and then going back to being broke and being poor can be even harder than never having it all and never is over again. He better is even worse. I went through that

is over and it's getting better. It's even worse. I went through that, having fame and money, and then people seeing you from having a good car to having a bust down car and say, hey, what happened? Because the world is cool. The world will tell you right there. They don't care.

They're like, y'all, what happened? You used to be popping. You know, like, sub with all the, you know, like, what's gonna happen with you? You know, that's really hard. And that's, because it's like, it's like you said, if you, if you haven't seen something, it don't hurt. If you've never seen fame and money or anything and good things, it doesn't affect you as much.

But once you've seen it all and you lived it and then you lost it all, it hurts double. I can only imagine how much stronger you got beating yourself up over those eight years, wherever the shame resided on. Oh those people are laughing at me. Do I deserve to be laughed at like that? I'm a shitty person. I'm going to medicate and self-medicate because that feels better because I've thrown it all away and I imagine it would be hard to be easy on yourself during all of that. The reality is I'm a strong guy.

I'm really strong. Like I said, I have my situations. You ask me some questions that I answered you where I'm lacking, but it doesn't mean I'm not a strong guy. I'm a very strong guy. I'm always prepared for that bully saying because I'm a, because I'm going to, I'll bully back, you know, saying, you tell me something. I don't like, I'll snap back on you. I'm ready. Because I'm from the hood. I come from, you know, like I was, I come from, I was trained in a hard place, you know, to deal with these situations.

Sometimes I hear other people's problems, I'm like, what? Like, that's your trauma. You know, but the situation is, every world is different, every mind is different. You know you're strong though, that, you know. That, you know, that, you know with total confidence. Your strength has been tested and you know that it is, it was formidable. A hundred percent.

That's a good thing to know. Oh yeah, it is, yeah, I know, I know I know I hate you asking me about the bad things No, but you got the scars you have the scars you you have the proof all in your life experience because your story shouldn't happen Exactly Yeah, I mean, you know and these scars is They gonna be my testimony one day, you know all these scars and everything I went through is going to be what's going to help other people not go through it. I'll take that sacrifice for my people and for the world.

When has performing made you feel best? You say you like the creative process. When have you felt you're talking about all of the energies that you feel that you absorb, performing where is the place that you think of when you think about an emotional connection to an audience and an emotional connection to your music? I guess you're in both. When I perform in stage and I have all this love, it feels really good. It's something that it's what makes me say, okay, now I know

why I wanted to be artists, you know, this is this is the reason why I wanted to perform and be a superstar and all that because I wanted this love. And obviously when I create magic, you know, I think one of the best things in the world is when you create something for the world and the world accepts it and it becomes big and everybody wants it. And you feel good, you feel proud of yourself as a human being. But it's the little things in life. Like, you know, I remember when I got my award, my first number one song on the radio in Medellin, Columbia. And it was just, you know, they have like a countdown for the number one song. And I remember that after all those years, I didn't have no hits.

And I did one song called Beances and Me in this song became number one on the mega radio station in Medellin, Colombia. I cried for almost an hour. Obviously, I cried because it was like the first time I had acceptance for the people in a song. And when I performed the song in a stage and everybody sang the song, I cried even more. And it's funny because after that I did really big, big hits. And I didn't feel that way with these huge hits that I fell with these little small hits that I did in these local cities in Colombia and sometimes it's the little things in life you know that that really hit you hard. So you know I mean it's a package you know performing in life I could tell you so many shows that I went got up stage and and fell so good, you

know, like I did a show in Chile a couple of years ago, probably two or three years ago, where I performed and I cried because it's just feeling all that love. It's like, it's amazing. You know, it's amazing to feel people love you so much. And sometimes you forget, you forget the impact that that that you give to people and how much people love you. Sometimes people see you and they're like, oh my God, you don't understand who you are. I don't. Thank you.

Thank you for letting me know how big you think I have. Because for real, sometimes I just don't, you know, and it's not that I have a low self of steam and nothing like that. I know I'm Nikki Jam and I know, you know, I know what I have. I know the magic that I bring, but sometimes it's good to hear people give you that love and tell you the good things you've done in your career. I should tell the people that tour dates, tickets, and more. I am Nikki Jam.com is where they check you out. I appreciate the honesty.

Thank you for being open about all the things. I'm sorry if I got a little close there on some stuff that didn't feel quite. If it happened, it's because it needed to be happened and a God's time and it's perfect. I appreciate you. I think you are one of the best interviews I have ever done to be honest with you. One of the best interviews I have ever done to be honest with you. Yeah, I mean I could tell you a pro Oh, thank you, sir. I appreciate it. Thank you for coming through. Thank you so much