The Date with Confidence Podcast - Am I Actually Delusional?! The Rollercoaster Of Modern Dating

Starting point is 00:00:00 Am I delusional? Is it me? Am I the delusional one? Do I make things up in my head? Do I get carried away? Do I just invent these stories that don't actually exist? Have I like lived on a whole other parallel universe? What? What? Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice support and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been with practical episodes that'll provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident af on your next date alongside light-hearted catch-ups where your host rebecca that's me by the way shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life. You are guaranteed to end each episode

Starting point is 00:00:48 feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups, you are welcome my friend. Subscribe, review and share with your single friends this is and i'm sure i'm not the only one that's ever felt like this even though i definitely feel like i'm the only one that's ever felt like this i've had friends tell me the same as well like this is something that has happened to me on more than one occasion where i've met someone i've been excited i've got swept up in the excitement the butterflies the feelings we like they have opened up been vulnerable led conversations and you kind of think oh this is exciting this could be going somewhere and then all of a sudden they just change their mind to

Starting point is 00:01:41 do a complete 180 and go nah you're not for not for me. See you later. I'm laughing. It's not funny. It's not funny in the slightest. This week has been, it's been a week, but I wanted to talk about that in this episode so that anyone who has been through this or has like been through it in the past or is worried about in the future or might be going through it right now I want you to know that you're not alone and I'm just gonna sort of process my feelings throughout this conversation because I've got a lot of them I've got a lot of thoughts I've done a lot of overthinking I have gone back and forth and back and forth but I'm just gonna share the whole story with you and share the story tell you what's been going on it's been five no six days now from the message that I received to say

Starting point is 00:02:37 that changed my mind so I'm gonna walk you a little bit through the story what's happened how I've been dealing with it and uh all that shit I'm probably gonna swear a lot in this episode as well just FYI I like to swear so just just know that if you are listening with little ears in the background probably put some headphones in probably wait till you're not in public right let's get into it so as you probably know by now I've been single for about four years and I've like dipped my toe into dating on and off. I've been on a few dates with a few nice guys. It's been great, but there's never been anything where I've been like, oh, this is quite nice. I've never been in a situation where it's been a bit flirty, where you've started to build a bit of chemistry, where you've had like

Starting point is 00:03:25 really good chat. Until I met this guy. I met him a few weeks ago on a on a day in app and you know when I, this has never happened to me before but I've read a lot of stories where people experience this. When he messaged me something in my gut, in my my intuition when this person is significant and I was like nah what are you talking about like nah how can you know I've just read his profile but there was something in there that I was like this person is going to have a significant impact on my life and I don't know what that's going to be yet and I was very open to seeing what it was going to be from where I'm sitting right now I feel like I feel like it's showing me a lot of lessons and it's almost like a bit of a test from the universe saying you reckon you've

Starting point is 00:04:19 healed for the last four years you reckon you've worked on yourself you reckon you're not gonna make the same mistakes again I'm gonna give you this guy here you go deal with it and show me that you've grown I'm not gonna lie the way in which I've responded I don't think I don't know I don't know anyway anyway so thought thought it was going to be a significant in some way shape or form we started chatting good chat like initially straight in with the deep conversations paragraphs of messages messaging back and forth moved over to whatsapp within like I think like two or three days which I much prefer because chatting on hinge is pretty shit and I don't always get the notifications and it's just it annoys me I'm much more prefer whatsapp so moved over to whatsapp after I think like two days three days

Starting point is 00:05:10 of talking he's like let's meet up in real life when can I take you on a date and that kind of thing and as it happened I actually had like a really hectic week and I was like actually I can't do until Monday so that was like five six days away and I was like oh I, I can't do until Monday. So that was like five, six days away. And I was like, oh, I kind of want to see him now. You know when you get a bit excited and like, oh, I really, like, crack's good, chat's good, really want to, I just kind of want to meet him now. But didn't, had a really busy week. So we arranged to meet the following, oh no, this wasn't then. I lied, I lied.

Starting point is 00:05:43 We started chatting on the Thursday. I think we talked about going on a date over the weekend and then we met up on the Tuesday so went on the first day on the Tuesday went in the evening met at like seven went had a really good day played uh table tennis which I hadn't done for years I was shite but it was hilarious like we had a lot of fun laughed our way through that and I like this we met at the train station I like to meet people at the station because when we meet at the station one I'm not walking into a restaurant or a venue or wherever it is we're meeting alone and doing that awkward thing where you stand there and you look around and you're like oh my god where is he am i first this is awkward when you meet at a train station i feel like you're kind of on like neutral

Starting point is 00:06:30 territory it's not overwhelming you can just go up to them and be like hi and then walk to the venue together and i feel like during that walk to the venue you get to break the ice almost so you get to just have like the general chit chat like how's your day been did you get all right sorry I'm late because I'm typically the late one um you get to have that kind of nice general chit chat before you get to the date so meet at the station chit chat our way to the venue which is like two minutes away from the station so not far at all get in there sat down and got a drink started chatting he didn't drink I'm not drinking at the moment either so just got a couple of soft drinks sat there chatting and then played table tennis we had the table for an hour so we kind of like played a few games had a bit of a

Starting point is 00:07:15 chat played a few games had a bit of a chat I think we played something like 15 or 16 games and I won one of them and by like play games it was like first to 10 or whatever so I was I was pretty shocking I don't I feel like I played some really good shots but like in overall winning like I was shit then I'm like okay so we like sit down and have something to eat sit down order some food and chat for a couple of hours and it was really nice you know when you're in a conversation and you feel like someone's engaging with you you feel like they actually give a shit about what you're saying listening skills were on point like it was a really good conversation and it got to like half 10 and I was like I'm actually gonna have to go like I didn't want to go but I also get anxiety when coming home on the trains late because if people have

Starting point is 00:08:01 been out drinking and they throw up on the train and I have a phobia or sick and it causes this whole big like anxiety ball. So we're like, okay, let's go all back to the station together. Got to the station. It was closed. Annoying, fine, whatever. Then we're like, okay, let's walk to, where did we even walk to? Farrington, I think.

Starting point is 00:08:16 We walked to like a different station that wasn't too far. I could go from there. He could go from there. Great. Go to the station. Hug goodbye. Have a really nice time. I think we'd also, had we arranged to see each other again at this point?

Starting point is 00:08:31 I'm not even sure we had. I'm not sure we'd even arranged to see each other again, but it was nice. I didn't feel like there was necessarily any physical chemistry initially, but I think that was because we'd like just met just met and I've never on all the first dates I've been on and second dates I've been on I've never felt that physical chemistry whereas when I was younger I'd kind of go on dates with people that I already had the physical chemistry with because I'd met them out or I'd met them in person first felt the spark and then got asked out on a date so So went home, great, carried on messaging, asked when I could see me again. This was a Tuesday and I literally had something to do

Starting point is 00:09:10 every single day. So the Wednesday I was out with the girls, the Thursday I was at dinner with my brother and sister-in-laws, the Friday, I might have been free on the Friday but I don't think he could do the Friday. Saturday I had my niece overnight so I couldn't do the Saturday or Sunday because I'm like a zombie when she stayed because she doesn't typically sleep so agree to me on the Monday which is bank holiday Monday great we can have like a day date so much better go to he organizes it we go to a bar play some pool for a while and I haven't played pool for years so while I'm there I'm enjoying it but it's also interestingly enough brought up a little bit of um like me and my ex played pool like that's kind of what we did when we first well when we were friends and then we were dating like we used to play pool together all the time

Starting point is 00:09:56 and the way that we played pool like it was always a bit of a like flirtatious game that we used to flirt and we used to put each other off and it was like quite a like sexy thing to do so we go and play pool like me and this guy we're there I'm playing pool and all of a sudden I'm like oh my god all I can think about is my ex and the kind of the kind of hurt of that relationship and how we used to do this together whatever and I'm like trying to like drag myself out of this mood and I'm like I don't know I don't know how I feel about this guy like yeah the pool's great fine and then we finish playing pool and we go and sit down and have some food and then we sit down and have food and the second we start chatting again there's like this connection where I'm like okay I'm actually into you

Starting point is 00:10:54 I feel like we connected on a completely different level than I ever have with anyone that quickly we were we were kind of talking about a lot of big things like our past relationships, our exes, our breakups, different kind of traumatic things that had happened. It was a pretty intense conversation, but the way in which we communicated, I really enjoyed. I hadn't really communicated with anyone like that for i want to say ever oh i don't want to say ever because i don't want to say ever but i think ever um so

Starting point is 00:11:34 that was great and then we were gonna the whole plan was to like play some pool and then go find a pub quiz looked for a pub quiz couldn't find anywhere we found a bar where we thought there might be one so we were like oh do you know what know what, let's just stroll, um, like, Farringdon Way, we'll stroll, see if there's anything there, got there, it was closed, so we just went and found a bar, and again, like, just sat chatting for literally hours, like, we met at two, was it two or two thirty, I think we met at two in the afternoon, and it was, like, eleven o'clock before I was, like, no, it was eleven, ten, eleven, I don't know, it was late, and I, again, I was like, no, it was 11, 10, 11. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:12:06 It was late. And again, I was just like, fuck, I really need to leave now. Because also didn't realise it was Notting Hill Carnival. So it was like busy. Walked me back to the train station. And on this, like when we were sat in the bar chatting, I was sharing stories about previous dates that I'd been on. He was sharing stories about previous dates he'd been on as well.

Starting point is 00:12:27 And I was telling him about a date I'd been on where this guy had waited for us to get to the busy train station to say to me, shall we have an awkward kiss? And how much it made me, like, cringe. And it was just wrong place, wrong time, not appropriate in any way, shape or form. so we get back to the train station together we're standing on the platform and obviously he's not going to try and kiss me now I've told him that story which is fine that's okay I then get majorly freaked out anxiety wise because there's a lot of drunk people around I essentially get on

Starting point is 00:13:00 the train freak out and just shut down completely. Say goodbye to him, get home, like message him. I'm like, sorry, like I was freaking out, that kind of thing. Carry on, messaging back and forth and then arranged to go on a third date. So this was a Monday and we arranged to see each other again on the Wednesday. And'm like in my mind I'm like okay I want to kiss this guy like I'm ready for him to initiate the kissing I didn't really want to initiate but I was like I'm ready for this like I know what we'll do we'll go to the cinema because that is such a good place like we'd already we'd already had two dates where we were like intellectually emotionally

Starting point is 00:13:45 connecting communicating really well knew a lot about each other obviously enjoyed each other's company now I'm like okay I want to I want to ramp the physical physical thing up a little bit so I'm like I'll suggest the cinema suggest the cinema find a cinema that is um that's like empty there's no one booked into it it's a small cinema independent cinema there's like 40 seats in this cinema and it's sofas so it's comfy cozy we go um in the afternoon there's no one else booked in the cinema just me and him i'm like oh my god amazing get like we meet up chat for half an hour before the trailers start trailers start carry on

Starting point is 00:14:26 chatting we're like a little bit cozy as well like sat next to each other trailers start talk all the way through the trailers Oppenheimer starts 10 minutes into the film I can't concentrate he can't concentrate so we just talk all the way through the film I shit you not like we every now and then we'd like dip into it for like five ten minutes neither of us had a fucking clue what was going on in the film because we were just talking about stuff the kiss didn't happen so i was a bit like you've literally had the whole film to kiss me why have you not kissed me but fine i think he wanted to be respectful and a bit cautious and didn't want to we talked about some like heavy stuff and previously so i think he wanted to be respectful and a bit cautious and didn't want to we talked about some like heavy

Starting point is 00:15:05 stuff and previously so I think he was being quite um respectful around not jumping in too soon he knew that I hadn't been dating for a long time date was a big deal this is the first time I've made it to a third date I think I think genuinely this might even be the first time I've made it to a third date with anyone because even throughout my 20s I feel like I didn't really go I went on some dates but I never made it to like the second date apart from with my first boyfriend when we then just ended up in a relationship anyway and other people I kind of just hooked up with people and then that became a relationship so I never really gone on I've never really made it to the third day so the film finishes and i'm like okay what we're gonna do suggest going to liverpool street like go to

Starting point is 00:15:51 spitalfield like let's wander around let's get some food i'm starving i want food so we get on the train go there carry on chatting we have like this little incident that what wasn't a big deal but it was actually like i really liked the fact that it happened I didn't like it in the moment because it was uncomfortable as fuck but there was this moment where I had I hadn't mentioned like pets or animals or talked about anything like that because I'm still processing the grief of losing my dog at the start of the year and animal chat is kind of a pretty general conversation that you have with people isn't it like when you're going on dates you're like oh you're a dog person

Starting point is 00:16:30 cat person that kind of thing so third day I kind of felt like I feel like I can talk about this now I hadn't wanted to talk about it before because I felt like if he doesn't understand how horrendous this time is for me it's going to be a deal breaker and it's going to put me off him straight away. So I didn't want to talk about it. And then at this point I'm like, okay, do you know what? I feel like I can open up about this now. So I like say like, have you got any pets? He shares a story about dogs, whatever. Like he starts talking about it. And then we have a bit of a chat about that. And then he says, oh, do you have any pets? And I was like, I can't talk about this right now I was like I'm really sorry I can't talk about it right now

Starting point is 00:17:08 and I just completely shut down and I was like it's not anything to do with you I can't have this conversation right now and instantly he also shut down because he felt like he'd done something wrong so we're're on the train, we have this, you know, and you can just sense something has changed. Like I felt the atmosphere change instantly. And I'm on this train and I'm like, fuck, I'm gonna have to talk to him about this when I get off because I don't want this to be awkward or weird. But also I was like, I feel like I'm gonna burst into tears if I actually mention Jasper. So we're on the train, few stops in, I was like, I feel like I'm going to burst into tears if I actually mention Jasper. So we're on the train, a few stops in, I'm like, are you okay?

Starting point is 00:17:49 And he says to me, no, actually, like, this is how I'm feeling, etc, etc, etc. We don't need to go into the actual conversation we had. He says, etc, etc. And I'm like, look, I'm really sorry. I promise it's not you, but I just really cannot talk about this on here right now sorry I promise it's not you but I just really cannot talk about this on here right now I promise it's not you you haven't done anything wrong there's not like it's completely a me thing so as we get off the train we're walking through the station I'm like I'm gonna have to address this because otherwise it's literally gonna ruin all this fun that we've

Starting point is 00:18:21 been having together so as we're walking I'm just like look this is what it is I thought I could talk about this at the moment I lost my dog at the start of the year I'm not coping very well with it I thought I could bring it up in conversation turns out I can't it's too hard I'm sorry that it's kind of caused tension between us and then after we, after we like discussed it, the air was clear. And I've never been, even with ex-partners, I've never been in a situation where an issue has come up and it's been safe for me to talk about it. And it's been safe for me to be honest about it. That's never happened before. before because typically if I'm upset about something or worried about something or or something has upset me I will say this is what's

Starting point is 00:19:16 going on for me and either my feelings will be belittled I'll be told that I'm worrying for nothing or I'll be told that my feelings are wrong and I've made a big deal out of out of nothing so it was really nice to actually have this like mini tension moment be able to talk it through and then be fine afterwards and I really appreciate that and I was like oh this is what it this is what it feels like to have healthy communication with someone so we go we like find some food wander around can't get in the restaurant we want to go to so we just go to like a like chain restaurant get in there and I'm like right I have to leave earlier today we met at three three three thirty and I'm like, right, if we're meeting earlier, I can leave by about half nine. So the trains aren't too busy.

Starting point is 00:20:12 Excellent. Go to dinner, get to dinner at like eight, maybe eight, quarter past eight, sit down. We're there until 10. And then I'm like'm like okay I really need to leave by half 10 it gets to 11 o'clock and I'm like okay like I have to actually go now because I don't know if my trains are still gonna be running I don't know I'm gonna get home so again we have really amazing conversation we talk about a lot of things we start to discuss like sex and intimacy and physical stuff flirting's there there's like a physical attraction now as well and I haven't felt physically attracted to anyone for four years so it's a pretty it's kind of a big deal to me because I've obviously not dated I've not seen anyone I've not hooked up with anyone I've been well and truly single for four years because the last the last relationship

Starting point is 00:21:07 and breakup really fucked me over or really really fucked me up so I had a lot of I needed a lot of time um on my own to kind of deal with it and then on the Wednesday we're like okay we tentatively planned to see each other Sunday weren't sure if it was gonna happen I was busy for a few days I had family stuff on the Saturday I had a family meal on the Sunday he was away and then I messaged on the Sunday and I'm like I'm still around to see you if you're up for it he's keen go out on Sunday and we're like what should we do let's go and see Oppenheimer again and actually watch the film so we go and see Oppenheimer again there's other people in the cinema we go back to the same cinema there's other people in the cinema great actually gonna have to

Starting point is 00:21:49 watch the film we're a lot cozier this time and he finally kisses me and I had been waiting for it for so long and I was so stubborn around I'm not gonna be the one that makes the first move although I did I think I probably would have done. Anyway, so make out throughout the film. It's great. Then I'm like, okay, what should we do now? Do you know what? Let's go to the South Bank.

Starting point is 00:22:14 Let's wander down Embankment. Let's wander along the South Bank. We'll go and get some food. Get the train to Embankment. Lights are amazing. The sun's setting. It's really pretty, really nice. We stroll along

Starting point is 00:22:25 talk about a few pretty big things um that I felt really uncomfortable sharing but I felt like now is a good time to share these things because it's fourth day that there was obviously something there talk about a few things he's really understanding feels really nice he opens up just as much and then as we're walking along he's like how do you feel about PDA I'm like because we see this couple like snogging each other's faces off in the middle of the street I'm like well that's that's a little bit too much for me like I'm that's that's just that's not me but what do you mean and he's like well like holding hands I'm like yeah that's fine because I didn't want to be like keen I didn't

Starting point is 00:23:10 like oh my god yes hold my hand I was like yeah that's fine so he holds my hand we walk along holding hands flirting chemistry's there it's great I'm smiling he's smiling it feels good carry on walking and then as we're walking along he's like I'm not actively dating anyone else so I'm like oh well that's quite nice part of me is a bit like oh my god that's terrifying we've been on four dates and you're saying that you're not dating anyone else the other part of me was like this is actually really nice because I feel like there's something here and that something isn't let's get married have kids and be together forever that something is whatever this connection is I want to explore it a bit more and see kind of what happens because it felt nice so I'm like okay well I'm not actively dating anyone else either and I wasn't

Starting point is 00:24:07 because to be honest I just literally didn't have time I was so busy I didn't have time I was like doing my I was working I was seeing friends I had a lot going on socially a lot of family things like I just wasn't actively dating I was enjoying my time with this guy so I'm like that's like that's pretty sweet I like that we go for dinner chat about some other things have pretty emotional conversations as per it's great we leave carry on walking I feel like our values were very aligned I feel like what we wanted eventually even if it wasn't what we wanted in this moment, was very aligned, um, I feel like our communication styles work really well, our love languages were very, like, very, like, very well matched, so my top two love languages

Starting point is 00:24:59 are physical touch, quality time, and then my number three is like words of affirmation. His were physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time. So I feel like as a, maybe in a, I don't even want to say relationship because I don't know whether we would have become like boyfriend, girlfriend, but in whatever type of relationship would have ended up, I feel like we'd have met each other's needs really well. I again have not been in a relationship where that has ever happened before because well I think a combination of reasons like my needs were never always met and when I asked for them to be met I wasn't always met with understanding but also I didn't really know how to meet my own needs in previous relationships where I whereas now like I'm very good at meeting my own needs like I can be everything I need to be for myself and I don't need anyone else to do that for me it's just nice to obviously have that addition so yeah we've and by this point like we've talked about meeting his parents we've talked about

Starting point is 00:26:02 going on trips together talked about meeting his family we've talked about going on trips together talked about meeting his family we've talked about sex and being intimate and he sent me screenshots of our star signs like the compatibility of our star signs and i didn't even look up our star signs like he was emotionally invested in whatever we could have been and he was very much although like I asked like standard questions like oh do you want to have kids like want to get married like those kind of things I feel like he very much led the conversation in terms of maybe maybe did he lead it if he didn't lead it we were definitely equal in terms of like what we want relationships to look like how like he talked about love and what he thinks about love and how it's a choice and you have to work it and

Starting point is 00:26:58 um how to like handle conflict in relationships like we put in like loads of different scenarios, like, oh, if you were upset about something, like, how would you want someone to react to you? And if I, is it okay that if I ask you that you're okay all the time, or like, looking for reassurance, and that, like, how I like my needs to be met, and what makes you happy, and what makes you unhappy, and what can you do? We talked about all the things that are super important in a relationship that i have never discussed with anyone even when i've been in a long-term relationship with them and i feel like these are the types of conversations that everybody needs to have before or when they're in a relationship because i feel like it would have if something would have

Starting point is 00:27:45 happened with us if we had progressed to being official or being in a relationship or whatever I feel like we could have had a really steady healthy emotionally available relationship and I think that's why I took the message that I received quite badly so all this happened then then then then and before before I tell you what happened it's really funny because I when I was like talking to my friends I was um I went to tell my friends the other week and when I showed them a photo of him they were like he looks like your ex and I was like no he doesn't they were like yeah no same eyes looks like your ex and me I'd been telling everyone oh my god he's so different to anyone I've ever dated before he's not really my

Starting point is 00:28:40 type he's he's completely different I feel like he's the person that I have always deserved, all this shit, where I was like, he's so different, and then I showed my friends, they was like, no, he looks like your ex, and then when I spoke to my mum, she was like, and my grandparents, my nan was like, yeah like yeah no I thought you looked like your ex it's the eyes and I was like what and my mum was like oh yeah you definitely look like your ex but I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to upset you and I'm like why did nobody tell me although in all fairness I'd have probably ignored everyone anyway I'd have been like I'm gonna ignore you because I like to make my own mistakes um so yeah anyways these are the four dates that we've been

Starting point is 00:29:25 on fourth date ends we arrange to see each other whilst we're out on the Friday so having dinner I'm like oh when are we gonna hang out again we arrange the Friday because I'm away Tuesday to Thursday and this is the Sunday so I didn't want to see him Monday because I had to like too much to do I'm like let's do let's do Friday great arrange another day date brilliant get home flirting a bit more oh make out at the station it's great I can do PDAs when we've kissed once that's fine um make out the station I go home I've got butterflies the sexual tension is off the charts I don't know if this is just because I hadn't had sex for a really long time or because there was like that physical attraction I think it was a bit of both I genuinely think it was a bit of both get home carry on chatting

Starting point is 00:30:16 flirting and then go to my friends on the Tuesday don't hear from him for, yeah, when did I go, Tuesday, message him on the Tuesday, he replies on Tuesday afternoon, I reply, don't hear from him for more than 24 hours, in this 24 hour period, and bearing in mind we'd already had a period where we hadn't spoken for 24 hours, a couple of times when he'd been really busy, or when he was away with his friend the weekend before we'd had long periods where we hadn't spoken and because of what I went through with exes I found it difficult because a lot of the way that they treated me came up so and a lot of the fear of oh my god he's out cheating on me or this even though like me and this guy weren't together all these feelings of like he's gonna realize he doesn't want to be with me he's looking for someone better what if he meets someone at this festival all this kind of shit

Starting point is 00:31:12 and I was doing a really good job of coaching myself through it reminding myself he wasn't my ex and calming my own nervous system to the point where I was feeling pretty relaxed I was like oh do you know what he hasn't replied it's fine like he hasn't replied I'm with my friends I don't need a response I'm seeing him Friday like this is cool and then I me and my mate went for a stroll around the park and we was chatting and I was just like I haven't heard from him I'm freaking out and I was like I don't want to freak out I don't like that this is how I'm becoming because this is how I used to be in my previous relationships anyway I leave it coach myself through it enjoy my time with my friends Wednesday evening like bearing in mind I am at my friend's

Starting point is 00:31:59 place again like I'm at my friend's he knows I I'm away my friends I get a message a well thought out message like it was well thought out it was better than being ghosted obviously put a lot of um time and thought behind what he was saying but it was essentially I don't know if I'm available for this I don't want to hurt you in the future I really like you I think you're great I don't want to bring you into my whirlwind of a life all this stuff around why we can't see each other anymore and you know when you see the first two lines of a message and your gut goes fuck and I I was sat in the garden with my friends like we'd had barbecue I was sat my um like sat with their little boy playing with him and I was like I got the message and I was like fuck I can't open it

Starting point is 00:32:59 I can't open it because my stomach's dropped and I know exactly what this is gonna be and I can't deal with it and then I was like well I can't not fucking open it can I because I'm not going to be out of sleep if I can't read the fucking message so I read the message close my phone sit there try and engage in conversation open it up read it again and then I think my friend maybe commented on it or messaged on it or like mentioned him in some ways and then I like was just like funnily enough just got this message read it out to them and they were just like what the fuck and I had a little cry because I was just like why is this happening to me again how can this be happening to me again this is what happens to me I get really excited I don't let myself get excited initially I'm like we're not gonna get

Starting point is 00:33:57 excited I'm not gonna overthink this I'm not gonna romanticize everything I'm not going to romanticise everything, I'm not going to get carried away and then I spend time with them and then they open up, they start the narrative of a future and of what we're going to do together, they lead the conversations, they say things like I just want to be with you, I'm not actively dating anyone else. I want us to be official. They say things like that and my hopes go up. I'm like, oh amazing, this is great, I'm having fun, I can relax now because this guy feels really good about me. This guy is certain about me. So I relax. I'm like woohoo amazing I'm not desperate to get into a relationship but it's nice to feel like I've been chosen we're having fun I like this guy on every level I like him as a person which I think is really important because I liked him as a person before the physical chemistry came best of both worlds best of everything this is great and then

Starting point is 00:35:06 get the message that says no and i was really angry about it i was like i was upset but i was angry that he had decided how i was gonna feel about things in the future it was like he'd created this whole narrative in his mind of how things would play out if we kept on seeing each other and I didn't get a say in it he decided that if we kept on seeing each other I'd fall too hard for him he wouldn't be able to commit and then I'd be left feeling used and abandoned and vulnerable and like this helpless little girl who couldn't manage her emotions or whatever that's how it felt I felt like he decided this was how who I was as a person this was how I would respond to the situation and he'd created a narrative that would not have

Starting point is 00:36:02 existed I mean maybe it could have existed, but that's not how I feel about it. I don't think that would have existed. So essentially, he had decided how I would perceive things and called it off based on a narrative that I personally don't think would have existed. But then when that happens, like it sent me into a fucking spiral. Because I was like, am I just delusional? Like like did I imagine the last few weeks because this this happened in like a three-week period so it was a really intense three-week period and I'm used to having quite intense quick relationship isn't the right word experiences with people especially traveling like there were instances where when I backpacked when I was younger I would have these really intense few week long um situationships

Starting point is 00:36:48 that then would fizzle out so I kind of yeah I'm used to that kind of happening but this one I was just like I don't understand I don't fucking understand. How can in the space of three days, you have gone from, yes, we're hanging out on Friday. I'm not dating anyone else. Let's do this. Let's plan this. Like we were planning when we were going to have sex for the first time. We're talking about all this kind of stuff. Like how can in the space of three days that suddenly all change? I don't fucking get it. And I don't understand how you can just cut someone off when you've told them how much you like them and that you don't want to see anyone else. I mean, and I think this kind of triggers like my past relationship when my ex was like, oh, I still really love you, but I just can't be with you.

Starting point is 00:37:41 Like, well, you don't fucking love me then, do you? Because if you really loved me, you'd want to fucking be with me so i also think it triggers me a lot as well because it happened when i was 21 i'd met a guy on a night out chemistry was insane found out i had a girlfriend told him i couldn't see him he dumped this is like the really abridged version he dumped the girlfriend we started dating within three weeks we were in a relationship through his choice i told him to go and be single enjoy the single life you've just come out of a long-term relationship he was like no i absolutely want to be with you i really like you let's be in a relationship you're my girlfriend and then he went out on a night like and then we talked about mortgages we looked at places to live together we went on holiday we booked another holiday for a couple of months time it was fucking intense and it was led by him again and then he went on a night out saw his ex decided he wanted to get back there and

Starting point is 00:38:36 cut me off so it triggers a lot and it it makes me feel like I've lost my fucking mind and I have done enough work on myself now to know that I haven't lost my mind. Like, I know that I didn't do anything wrong in this scenario. All I did was be my complete self, share openly, honestly, vulnerably, and open myself up to a genuine connection and unfortunately or maybe fortunately maybe I dodged a bullet who the fuck knows it just turned out that this guy changed his mind so whether I don't know whether it was all about him and he was worried about turning out to be a dick and hurting my feelings or whether I just said something or behaved in a way that made him change his mind whatever it is like it changed and yeah it just it just sent me

Starting point is 00:39:42 into a bit of a spiral and I like did the thing you know where you're like is this real like was have I just imagined the last three weeks scrolled through the messages and I'm like nah I didn't fucking imagine this I know how I felt in my body I know how I felt when we were together I know what it felt like in his present like I didn't fucking imagine that and judging from the way that he responded to me and the messages that he sent me he had felt the same do you know what genuinely I genuinely feel like my first gut instinct was this has freaked him out because it feels really good and now he's freaked out so he's gonna self-sabotage maybe that's wishful thinking maybe that is the case I don't know but that's kind of how I felt initially and

Starting point is 00:40:32 I really I really wanted to respond in two ways like the first way I was like I really just wanted a message back and be like are you just self-sabotaging? Like, are you sure about this? Are you self-sabotaging? Because this sounds very much like it feels as good to you as it feels to me. You're freaked out and now you've changed your mind. But I also didn't want to fall back into the trap of chasing someone that wasn't into me I've been in that trap before I've been in the situation where I've been more into them I've chased them I love a challenge I love a challenge I like the sense of achievement when someone isn't available and then eventually they do become available because you've pursued them that was how I used to behave when I was younger I always got what I wanted it wasn't what I deserved but I always got what I wanted and I felt like

Starting point is 00:41:33 I didn't I didn't want to chase someone that wasn't certain about me I didn't want to make someone try when they weren't as into me as I was into them so instead I responded honestly and probably from a little bit of a hurted a hurting self like it was probably a little bit abrupt I don't know I've been overthinking the message since I sent it um but also I've never really stood up for myself in that respect before because typically I've always been like oh like come back like I'll do anything like I I I don't know I've kind of I've kind of been like I'll change all that shit when I was younger and

Starting point is 00:42:26 insecure and I'm not young and I'm not insecure anymore so yeah I stood up for myself I was like pretty disappointing to be honest not sure how things can have changed I was enjoying it shame we couldn't just let it play out and see what happened like good luck goodbye kind of thing although now like I'll be completely honest and it's so funny because my mate messaged me this morning my mate Matt messaged me um this morning and was just like how are you doing because he's he's who I'd gone to stay with um the other week Matt and Justine I've gone to stay with him and Matt messaged me this morning was like how are you doing he was like you haven't messaged the guy have you and I was just like I'm better because I've got a date planned for I've got a date planned for this week I was like

Starting point is 00:43:18 I'm better um and I was like but it's taking every part of me not to reply like not to message him again and he was just like sack him off get back on the horse sack him off you don't need this um in some ways it was kind of good that I did get the message whilst I was stabbed with them because they're both very very supportive and very honest and they made me read out the message that I was going to send um as a reply um before I sent it and one part of the way that I'd worded things I'd put sorry in there and they were like take that out you're not sorry for anything you've got nothing to be sorry for take it out I was like yeah I know that you're right okay so that was quite nice I I just want to message him and just be like because we had such a good time together and I feel like the final message I sent

Starting point is 00:44:14 was a little bit it wasn't shitty it was polite enough but it was from a wounded place like I was hurt and I was in shock um and I kind of just wanted to message him and be like do you know what I had a really nice time like thank you for showing me that dating can be fun thank you for letting me open up to someone I don't know like my gut instinct is I think my gut instinct is like I really want to send that kind of message just to close things off just to end them in a nice way just to be like put a nice pretty bow on what was a lovely experience but then there's also the concerned part of me that's like is this my past patterns wanting me to open up the communication gates so that I leave it open and don't close the door because if I send a nice message

Starting point is 00:45:22 like will he reply back is that my ego being like, oh, and if he replies to you, then he's still into you kind of thing. Like, I don't know. So yeah, I'm not very good at closing. I'm not very good at letting things go. I'm not very good at closing the door on things. I don't like endings. I have this huge fear of loss, which funnily enough is something that I talked about to this guy on the on the date. Like, so I don't I don't like letting go of things, but I don't know. I've got a session with my mindset coach today, so I'm going to work through things with her. We're going to do some trauma healing. We're going to do some breath work.

Starting point is 00:46:00 She's going to help me. She is going to help me make sense of my thoughts and feelings and get rid of any negative energy that's attached to this situation in particular and then what I'm going to do is record a follow-up episode to let you know whether I do decide to send a final message or not and whether or not I get a response I can't imagine I would get a response it took him like four days to read my response which I thought was pretty disrespectful but it's fine it's what it is um yeah I don't know I'm really conscious that I don't want to make history repeat itself again but at the same time I do feel like I'm genuinely completely different and I'm well aware of the decisions I am or aren't making so whatever decision I make is coming from a empowered secure confident part of me as opposed to a desperate seeking validation needing reassurance space and I think that is really important

Starting point is 00:47:06 because if I do decide to send a message then no matter the outcome whether he replies whether he doesn't reply whether he reads it or doesn't read it I am okay I don't need anything else from him to be okay with myself and who I am. And I think that's really important. Whereas when I was younger, it's almost like I would send something like that to get a reaction, to have that validation, to seek some kind of reassurance. It was very much like, it would have very much been like an insecure um yeah like desperate space and I'm just not in that space anymore at all which I mean I shouldn't be I've been working on myself for four fucking years so I shouldn't be in that space and I'm definitely not

Starting point is 00:47:54 so this was long this was long I am very aware that this was a very long episode but there were lots of things that I wanted to talk about and I do genuinely feel like me speaking about these kind of things on here one is beneficial to you if you've been in that situation it I love conversational type episodes like this like these are the kind of episodes that I love to listen to myself so I think that's really helpful and and secondly like me being able to talk about it so openly and from a empowered space where I feel like I'm good like right now I'm good I yeah I'm gonna speak to my mindset coach and we're gonna work through some stuff energetically but I am good about the whole situation now I'm okay and I feel like being able to talk about it on here and kind of almost process it as I'm going along it just helps me it helps me as part of the process it helps me as part of the

Starting point is 00:48:59 I don't even know whether you want to say healing process like am I healing is healing necessary we've seen each other for three weeks like I don't know but I've enjoyed it so thank you for listening if this has happened to you and you feel comfortable too then I would love for you to send me in your story so that I can share it in that follow-up episode I'm going to do after I've had the coaching session with my coach um I'd really like to share some of your stories as well so that again any of us that go through this can feel less alone and we don't feel like oh my god it's just us because I think that's really important to build that sense of community around these stories that I'm sharing because we've all been in shit situations we've all I'm sure had experiences where it felt too good to be true and then it turned out it was or things changed suddenly and kind of left us

Starting point is 00:49:58 feeling a bit shocked and we were like oh my god what did I do we've all been there so I would love to hear from you head to the link in the show notes datewithconfidencepodcast.com contribute you can share your best or worst dating stories your biggest icks dating tips you think everyone should know or you can ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question that you need an answer for don't forget to check the show notes for resources and courses to help you date with confidence and you can also sign up to the date with confidence podcast newsletter where you'll get exclusive behind the scenes access your access empowering playlists that i've created for you on Spotify to hit you with whatever you're

Starting point is 00:50:46 going through right now, whether it's heartbreak, whether you need to feel confident, whether you're getting ready for a first date. And you'll also get some exclusive offers over there. So sign up for the free newsletter is what I'm trying to say. Thank you so much for listening, friends. And I will see you in the next one. Thanks so much for listening to the Date With Confidence podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Subscribe, rate and review and share it with your single friends. Thank you. you

The Date with Confidence Podcast - Am I Actually Delusional?! The Rollercoaster Of Modern Dating

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