The Date with Confidence Podcast - Date Three Would've Happened If He Hadn't Said This

Episode Date: February 22, 2024

EPISODE 34: Date Three Would've Happened If He Hadn't Said ThisReady for some pre-date stalking and a potentially awkward kiss?It’s another cringe-filled dating story!In this episode of The Date With Confidence Podcast, I’m sharing all the gossip about the first two dates I went on with Tech Guy and why I chose not to see him again (despite agreeing to the third date initially).Here’s what we cover:1. Online Stalking Revelation: Working in tech means he’s a stalking pro apparently. There’s a fine line between honesty and over-sharing, what side of the line do you think this was?2. Positive First Impressions: I talk about the positive aspects of the first date, from finding him attractive to the cosy little venue he’d booked and engaging conversation.3. Deal-Breaker Dilemma: We had an uncomfortable discussion about relationship deal-breakers on the way to the tube which left me questioning myself and my standards. 4. Quizzie Rascals: Date number two saw us teaming up in a pub quiz. But there were a few moments where I felt myself shrinking due to his behaviour. Not what you want from a potential partner.5. Train Station Awkwardness: Discover the moment that made me cringe harder than I ever have and ultimately led me to cancelling the third date we’d planned.Whilst this episode contains a funny story about my dating life, it also shares the importance of holding onto personal standards and boundaries in the dating world….Episodes mentioned:My First Date of 2024: Everything You Need to KnowYou’re Allowed to Change Your Mind at ANY PointHow to Cancel a Date with the ‘Nice One’Get Involved!You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.  ResourcesThe Breakup Bounce BackThe Confidence KitThe Confidence CourseVisit The Date with Confidence website here. Subscribe to our YouTube channel.Follow The Date with Confidence Podcast on Instagram + follow your host Rebecca Hawkes here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'll be ready for another dating story. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support, and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that'll provide you with easy-to-implement tips

to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host, Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life. You are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups, you are welcome my friend. Subscribe, review and share with your single friends. This story is all about someone we're gonna call the tech guy. So we matched on Hinge about a year

ago now actually. We matched on Hinge, we chatted for a bit and then I got what was, I mean it kind of, it was kind of disturbing. It was disturbing, but at the same time, I appreciated the honesty. So I got this message. It said, I can't read the full message, which is really annoying because I don't think we're matched on Hinge anymore. And I've only got screenshots of the messages. And that just shows you the preview of the message. So he sent like multiple messages in one go.

So I can read those snippets of the message so he sent like multiple messages in one go so I can read those snippets of the beginning of messages but I can't read the actual full message unfortunately but we were obviously chatting and I think he told me what he does maybe and I think that's the message where he told me that he was something to do with tech he was was into tech, worked in tech. I can't remember what it was now. And then his next message said, which means I also know how to use the internet very effectively, winky face. And then I just discovered your blog posts and podcast. And I'm like, what the actual fuck? Because on my dating profile, I use a completely different photo. Oh, actually, maybe I hadn't used a different photo, but I'm Becca on my dating profiles and Becca to everyone in real life.

And then when it comes to business, I use Rebecca, which is my full name. I mean, obviously. So I was like, how the fuck did he find this? And then he was like, I feel like I know your life story in chunks. I only read parts of this page and then the laughing emoji and it was my about me page on Medium which I also linked to my website because it's, when I was writing on Medium consistently I wrote an article for one of the publications on there and it's like an about me article. So it's pretty in-depth, it's like an in-depth story about my life, about who I am, about breakups. It's very in-depth. And this guy had stalked me and read it. And he said, I wanted to be open about that as I try to be very honest, mostly to my detriment at times. I don't have my story open

like that on the internet, but we can talk over the phone or grab a cocktail so part of me was pretty pretty horrified because of how much detail I go into about my life on this article and some people are like yeah but you put it over the internet so you should expect people to read it and I'm like I do to a certain extent but when I've specifically tried to keep my dating profile separate from my business life for multiple reasons it's kind of a bit freaky when somebody then finds me so he'd obviously reverse searched my image on google or done whatever it is tech wise he did found me and I I as I said I thought it was a bit, but at the time I was kind of like, oh, well, at least he's being honest. That's nice. So agreed to go on the date. We, he booked us a table at a cocktail bar in Covent Garden, which was nice. And he met me at the station. And first of all,

I was like, he's really attractive. He's tall. Obviously that's a big tick in my book. He was attractive. He, I don't know whether he was my type he was a bit geeky like the tech space he was a bit he's a bit of a tech geek but that's fine like I'm quite attractive to quite attracted to geeks I guess so we met him first impressions were good we started walking and we were chatting conversation was flowing quite well get to the bar and we've got this cute little table set aside now I wasn't drinking at the time so I ordered a mocktail now on the cocktail menu there were only two mocktails so I ordered one of them and he ordered the other one and the drinks came up all fancy it was nice and then I know we're jumping ahead a bit here but

if I don't say it now I'm gonna forget when it came to ordering the second round we tried each other's cocktails and then when it came to ordering the second round I was like I think I'm just gonna have the same because I really enjoyed it and he was like oh well I'll just have the same that I had then and I was like well you can order a different one just because I'm having the same doesn't mean you have to have the same and he was like no I'll just have the same that I had then. And I was like, well, you can order a different one, just because I'm having the same doesn't mean you have to have the same. And he was like, no, I'll just have the same. And I thought that was a little bit strange. But I don't know, maybe I was just overthinking things. So we sat down at the table, and the conversation was pretty engaging. He was very good at listening, or at least appearing to be listening. The conversation

was flowing quite well. We're talking about lots of different stuff I was talking about spirituality stuff he was talking about tech and he was launching a a business or an app or something with a friend so we had a lot of stuff to talk about and it was a really nice first date it was it was probably the first time that I had found someone attractive since my breakup. At this time, it was, what, three years previously that I'd been single for about three years. And it was the first time that I'd found someone attractive. And I'm not going to lie, there was a part of me that was concerned that I would never find someone attractive again. So this was quite nice. Although there was one thing, he told me that he'd never been in a relationship before now he was 32

I think I think he was he was either my age or a year older than me and he'd never had a relationship at all which he can't he explained why because he'd been focusing on his career and he'd been like setting up this business and all that kind of stuff but I do I do sometimes worry about people not having been in a relationship before I think that's because dating someone who's never been in a relationship they don't understand what it's like to be in a relationship for for a start whereas when you're with someone who has been in relationships you have that mutual understanding of what a relationship is like as such so you understand the different quirks and there are intimate things that only happen between couples and

you have different connections and closeness and it kind of concerns it concerns me the idea of dating someone that had never been in a relationship because I don't want to teach someone how to be in a relationship right I mean not that I've ever been in like the best examples of relationships but I don't want to teach someone how to be a good partner I want them to have learned that through their own experience if you know what I mean but didn't didn't overthink it too much he paid the bill I think I offered to split it but he paid the bill which was really nice and appreciated and then I said that I was gonna go back to Tottenham Court Road station and he said I'll walk you even though he could have got a train somewhere else he was like I'll walk you to the station which I thought was really gentlemanly and I like that I like that

that vibe that's really nice then I'm pretty sure he complimented me I'm sure he said something about being beautiful which was again nice because I'd been on a date with someone a couple of weeks previously and he hadn't complimented me at all and I like to although words of affirmation is like number three on my love languages list I still like hearing compliments especially having been single for so long it It's nice when someone tells you that you're attractive. So he said something about that. And then as we were walking to the station, we were talking a bit about deal breakers. Were we talking about deal breakers? I wish I'd recorded this sooner because this has been like a year that I'm trying to

conjure up from memory. But we were talking about different things and I'd asked him if he could drive and he couldn't drive. Now someone not being able to drive is a deal breaker for me and I was having this conversation with the guy that I went on a date with a couple of weeks ago saying it's a deal breaker for me because I want to be secure and taken care of in every area. So for example if I am with someone and I go into labour and they can't drive me to the hospital what am I gonna do now I know that that's very forward thinking I know that that's like but you're only on the first date with a guy but that's something that is very important to me I

know some people couldn't give a shit whether their partner drives or not when my brother met his girlfriend or his wife now when they met my brother couldn't drive and my sister-in-law just booked his booked his driving lessons for him and told him that he was going to be driving um but they were also early 20s when that happened this guy was early 30s and I'd said to him about would you ever learn to drive and he was like well I've never needed to because he's lived in London or on the outskirts of London and it's it's a deal breaker for me and then as we were having this conversation he said something along the lines of anyone that sees not being able to drive as a deal breaker is really small-minded like it's something along those lines it's really

closed-minded to not want to date someone just because they can't drive a car and that I think because of the rejection sensitivity that I have that to me felt like a rejection it was it a rejection it felt like a criticism even though I hadn't outrightly said to him it is a deal breaker if someone can't drive I didn't say that to him at all um but he had said if somebody uses this as a deal breaker if someone can't drive I didn't say that to him at all um but he had said if somebody uses this as a deal breaker or wouldn't date someone or would essentially throw away a person just because they can't drive that's really narrow-minded and then that made me question myself and this is what I didn't like I didn't like the fact that what he had said made me question myself and question my expectations

and my standards because then it made me think, should I not have this as a deal breaker? Am I in the wrong for wanting this from a person? And I didn't like that. And that wasn't necessarily his fault, but I didn't like the way that that conversation made me feel and then he asked me if I could drive and he was like oh you can drive me around then and this is a massive ick for me I don't want to drive anyone around I'm not a confident driver I get quite anxious driving I want to be driven around and I'm very upfront with people that I don't know like this is important to me I want to be driven around which is why it was so nice when I got driven home from my date a couple of weeks ago, if you want to hear the full episode on that, then you can go back to, um, I think it's three

weeks ago, that episode, I'll link it in there, I'll link it in the show notes anyway, but that was, yeah, it, it put a bit of a dampener on the evening because then that's all I could think about on the way home was, should I not have these standards that I have spent a long time deciding what I want? Like, should I not be having those? Have I set my standards too high? The answer to that is no, you've never set your standards too high.

If you want something, if there is an attribute or a quality or a desire that you want from a partner, your standards aren't too high if you want something if there is an attribute or a quality or a desire that you want from a partner your standards aren't too high you are allowed to want what you want and I had to remind myself of this afterwards and very much go into that space of what would I tell a friend or what would I tell a client who had this same question and who was thinking about changing their standards based on someone else's judgment and I'd be like don't you fucking dare you are allowed to want what you want so I had to do a little bit of work around that for myself and remind myself that I am not dropping

my standards for anyone because I deserve the relationship that I desire but aside from that he'd asked me out on a second date and I was like do you know what we had a nice time conversation was good I'm open to seeing him again despite the deal breaker I was like I'll give him a chance I think especially as I hadn't been dating very long at this point I was like I don't want to just close people off or shut down immediately when there could be something there. I feel like I'm a bit different now but at that time I was like okay I'll give people a chance, I'll go on the second date and we decided to do a pub quiz. So he had booked this pub quiz in Farringdon and we met at the bar, great, got a drink, went upstairs to the quiz room

and this was probably the highlight of the night was the quiz name that we chose. Now I hate more than anything deciding a quiz name. I think it comes down to, this is so ridiculous, I think it comes down to being worried about being judged for the quiz name that I've chosen so if I were to choose a quiz name and other people thought it was stupid or laughed at it I would receive it as a rejection and because I'm sensitive to rejection it would make me feel bad about myself so I hate naming quiz teams more than anything I love pub quizzes hate naming the quiz team. He came up with a quiz name,

one that he'd used before, Quizzy Rascal. Is that not just the best quiz team name you have ever heard? And I'm gonna use it forever more now. I thought it was hilarious. Quizzy Rascal, absolutely spot on. So that was our team name. He'd bought me a drink in the bar downstairs and then we were upstairs

and working our way through this quiz. And then I got a round of drinks for us and as we were as we were working through the quiz I told him already I am very competitive. It is important to me that we do well because I am very competitive and I was half joking but also very serious. So we're carrying on working through and we've got this sheet of images and he makes a joke about googling and to see what the answer is and I was like no absolutely not we are not cheating I want to win fairly I don't agree with cheating and he was like oh you don't need to worry I will never cheat on you and it took me aback a bit I was like we're on a second date why are you talking about not cheating on me? This is a bit fucking full on.

What? What? And I'm sure it was meant in a nice way, but it freaked me out. I thought it was too much too soon. Probably also because I've got a bit of a thing around commitment. It just, yeah, made me want to run away. But again again we brushed over that and carried on with the day now he had booked the quiz he had already booked the space so I assumed that he'd paid for it I assumed that when he booked it he'd paid for it and that was all done and that's why I'd like I mean I offered to buy him a drink when we got there and he was like no I'll get these and I also assumed that he'd bought the quiz and that's why I was very insistent on buying a second round of drinks because I'm like I want you to know that I'm not just expecting you to pay for

everything but then it was really awkward because someone came around to take the money for the quiz and I just kind of sat there and he was just looking at me waiting for me to pay and I'd said oh I mean I was I was so I felt maybe this is my own awkwardness as well I felt very blindsided because I assumed that it had already been paid for so when they came up I was like are we gonna are we gonna split it and he sort of looked at me and was like um and I was like oh it's like it's fine I'll just get it but it really it really threw me and it made me feel a little bit embarrassed because then I I felt ashamed that I'd expected him to have paid for it if that makes sense there was a lot to unpack after this date so I'd I'd felt a bit I think it

was ashamed I felt embarrassed that one I'd said to him oh shall we split it and two that I had expected him to have already paid and I didn't like feeling embarrassed again the whole rejection thing I really struggle with that kind of emotion because it makes me feel like I'm stupid and then I think oh people are gonna think I'm stupid and I don't know it's a whole thing like it was just it was just really awkward and made me feel awkward so I didn't really like that but anyway we carry on do the quiz when we were marking some of the answers there were moments where he made me feel really uncomfortable and didn't really pick up on the fact that I was shutting down

and this concerned me a little bit as well so we were going through the answers and there was one question where we'd both said a different answer and I'd written down I think I'd written down what I'd said or I'd written down something different to what he'd said and when it came to marking the answers his answer was right and he was like oh I said that and I was like oh yeah I know that's annoying and he was like oh but I'd said that answer I don't know whether this was just my interpretation which it very well could be but the way that he said it again it made me want to shrink it made me feel like oh I'm so stupid like now he's shaming me for the fact that I didn't write his answer down and he repeated it multiple times and was looking at me and tapping the page and

the just the whole way that he did it the whole interaction made me feel like I was bad like I was a bad person like I'd done the wrong thing like I'd fucked up like I'd got it wrong and it was all my fault that we didn't get that point. And I don't know whether that's just me being dramatic or whether, as I said, that's my interpretation, but the whole scenario made me feel, I could feel myself shrinking, it made me feel small. And I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel like that ever again. Because I've been in those situations multiple times with multiple exes I don't want to be with someone who is going to make me shrink and make me feel small ever again and the fact that okay maybe it's just the fact that it was the second day and maybe

that's something we could have spoke about further down the line but also no I didn't like the way that that made me feel made me feel uncomfortable and then I could just feel myself like shutting down and shutting down and shutting down as we went on so the quiz finishes we didn't win I don't think we came anywhere near but that's fine the bar starts to clear out and I go to the toilet and when I come back from the toilet there's literally just the two of us in this empty room and I think the bartender behind the bar. So there's literally just the two of us left and then we're putting on our coats like okay we're gonna go to the station. Now this is the moment where oh it's not quite the moment yet. It's not quite the moment. We get to the station. The station being London. Tuesday night. Station's busy. People are in and out running to get their trains. Like you expect London

tube stations to be busy so in the station people are walking past us backwards and forwards and he says to me about going on a third date and I'm like yeah okay that'd be nice and he's like maybe we could do a museum and because I don't I don't want to turn around and be like no whilst we're there because there is still part of me that's like I should give him another chance because we're still just getting to know each other like how much can you really know about someone on two dates well quite a lot I actually now believe but I was like maybe I should give him another chance like it's not been a horrific day it's been okay we've had some nice times yeah there's been some awkwardness, but surely

that's expected. So I agree to the third date. And then what happens next is the reason that that third date didn't happen. So we're standing at this busy station and getting ready to say goodbye. And he goes, shall we have an awkward kiss? Oh my God. Every time I say I say it makes me cringe so much shall we have an awkward kiss and my response is no but we can have an awkward hug because first of all we were just in an empty room where there were no where there was no one around you've waited until we are in a busy tube station with people rushing around to ask to kiss me. Why did you not ask to kiss me when we were in the empty room where no one would be watching and where it'd be much less fucking awkward? Secondly, there has been zero indication that a kiss would be likely at the end of this

date. There has been no flirting. There has been no chemistry. There has been no tactile-ness. There has been no arm touching. There has been no gazing into each other's eyes. There has been no look. And you know what I mean by look. You know when you look in someone's eyes and you're like, I'm gonna fucking kiss you. There's been none of that. Nothing at all. So not only did he wait until we were in the busiest place possible not only did he use the phrase shall we have an awkward kiss but also there was no indication that this is where the date would lead to so it was a bit unexpected and i was just awkward i was just like no he said can i kiss you maybe things would have been different maybe it was also i think the wording

was a massive part of it because it instantly made it awkward. The fact that he'd said it was awkward, but I don't know. I gave him like gave him the quickest hug. And then we talked for a second more and then he was like, Oh, give me a proper hug. So he hugged me again. And then I got in the train and was just like, my fucking God, what happened? What just happened? So by this point, by the time I got home, I know I'd agreed to the third date, but as we've established, you can change your mind whenever you want. I'd got home and I'd reflected on the day and thought about the first date with a whole deal breaker thing, thought about how I'd felt throughout the second day and I just knew that I I didn't want the third date to go ahead so a few days later or maybe a week later I just

messaged him and I was like look I've been reflecting on our date you know what I said because I've got the episode on how to how to cancel a date with a nice one I essentially used the script that I share with you in that episode so I said that and then his response was again it could just be my interpretation but it came back a little bit stroppy and was just like yeah I can see that as well or I can see that now because I think I said I don't think we're compatible um and he was just like I can see that now or whatever it was and that's fine and now he's blocked me on whatsapp so that was that but there were quite a few lessons that i learned

from this day and the main one being do not let anyone ever make you feel like you have to drop your standards or change your expectations just because they don't agree with it no matter what you deserve what you want you deserve, the partner, the ideals that you desire. You deserve that. And you are allowed to have your standards. Just because somebody tells you that your standards are bullshit doesn't mean that they are. That's just their opinion. Some people couldn't give a fuck about the fact that somebody doesn't drive. To me, it is important. and that's okay and this is something that i talk about so in depth inside the confidence calls and was one of the reasons i put this um lesson within the confidence calls there's a whole module around raising your standards so about setting standards for your

whole life there's four different areas there's the health and wellness there's relationship career and finance and in the relationship, it's all about raising your relationship standards and different exercises to help you distinguish between standards and expectations, to help you not to settle for anything else, to help you not to settle for anything less than you deserve, and to really help you feel confident owning what you want and asking for what you want so I put that in there because I do think it's it's really really valuable and that's come from the lessons I've learned on this date and I as I said I do you're allowed to have your standards you don't have to drop them just because somebody else doesn't agree so that was that that was that

date yeah and I think date three probably would have happened if he hadn't said that if he hadn't said shall we have an awkward kiss probably would have happened but who knows that probably would have been a disaster I can't imagine he was my person I'm sure he probably thinks the same now in fact he's blocked me whoops um but that's fine so yeah I want to hear your stories give me all the gossip on your dates. Tell me about your worst dates, your best dates, your average dates, dates where you would have had a third date, but then he said something weird. What did he say? Tell me everything. Go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com slash contribute. You can share anonymously. You can give me your

name. You can ask me questions all that stuff but just go there get involved i want to hear from you and i will see you in the next one thanks so much for listening to the date with confidence podcast i hope you've enjoyed this episode subscribe rate and review and share it with your single friends Thank you. you