The Date with Confidence Podcast - Dating Advice: How Can I Stop Comparing Myself?

Starting point is 00:00:00 Oh welcome, welcome, welcome back to the Day of Confidence podcast. It is our second official community episode, although we did have a bit of a community episode last week, but this is our like in full swing monthly community episode where this entire episode is about you, it is about the responses that you've given me in the contribute form, it's your questions your dating stories we've got a very excited follow-up from our last dating our last community episode so yeah this this episode is about you and if you'd like to be featured in the next episode you don't have to leave your name if you don't want to but you can go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com

Starting point is 00:00:42 slash contribute and as another reminder, next Wednesday, I'm running a free masterclass called The Dating Debrief for you. I would love you to come. So sign up for free via the show notes. Right, let's just dive straight in, shall we? Welcome to The Date With Confidence Podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that will either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that will provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host Rebecca,

Starting point is 00:01:19 that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life, you are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come and if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups you are welcome my friend subscribe review and share with your single friends. Okay so last month if you've listened already our community episode there was a question that was asked about fetishes and it was somebody who had a belly button fetish and they were anxious about when the best time to get in touch on when the best time to discuss this was with a new partner or with someone they were dating so I shared my answer in that you can go back and listen to that

Starting point is 00:02:12 episode in full but since then I have had a response from another listener regarding this fetish so this is from someone called Josh so hi hi josh and he says i just wanted to say hello to the listener who wrote in about their belly button confession about them liking belly buttons i have a belly button fetish fetish as well and i love belly buttons especially both innies and outies i have an outie belly button myself and I'm actually looking for a forever slash long-term partner slash girlfriend to be with and spend the rest of my life with with especially someone who will indulge and spend time exploring this um fetish with me would you recommend me to use the field dating app I would say yes yes I would um I would love to find a partner who has a belly button fetish and who would love to play with my outie belly button. Yeah I would recommend the app called

Starting point is 00:03:10 Field because it's a lot more sexually open, I feel like people are a lot more up front with their fetishes, with their kinks, what they prefer, there are all sorts of people on there looking for all sorts of desires, all sorts of relationships, there looking for all sorts of desires all sorts of relationships there are also people on like couples on there looking to add people into the mix and there are people with open relationships lots of different kinks and fetishes so 100% I would recommend field and I feel like that's a much safer space to be open about your fetishes because I feel like it's less of a judgmental app whereas some apps like Bumble and Hinge and your more traditional dating ones I feel like a lot of people would if you talked about your fetish on those apps then a lot of people would who are

Starting point is 00:03:58 perhaps not so open-minded would potentially judge you or not match with you based on you sharing that in your profile or if you share something a bit more kinky in your dating profile they might instantly think oh they just want sex they're not looking for a long-term partner whereas field you can put all that information in so i would 100% try that there is also another space which i haven't tried but i have heard of from other people in other communities and that is called FetLife. I think that's an online community for people with specific fetishes so that might also be somewhere that you would like to try as well. And Josh also said that he would love to get in touch with the listener who shared their belly button confetish. Confetish? What on earth? a confetish that is a whole new word that I've just made up

Starting point is 00:04:45 um he said he'd love to get in touch with the listener about their belly button confession and they'd ask if I could pass the details on now obviously I'm not going to do that because one I don't have the details because it was an an anonymous submission and for like privacy reasons but if you are the person that submitted your belly button fetish story then you can send me an email and we can we can try and sort something out I guess obviously I don't know this person his name's Josh he's 24 25 from from UK. I think 24-25 is maybe what he was looking for, but he's still young guy, UK based. That is all the information I have. And Josh also, he didn't leave me a contact detail.

Starting point is 00:05:32 So that is why I haven't been in touch with you. Didn't you build out the form? But I love this idea of like being a little matchmaker, potentially. I'm not also 100% sure because I don't want to be responsible for matching people up. But anyways, I just wanted to put that in there because I think that's to be responsible for matching people up but anyways I just wanted

Starting point is 00:05:45 to put that in there because I think that's the loveliest follow-up so the person who originally submitted their fetish question know that even just from this response you're not the only one and it just echoes kind of the advice that I gave in that episode which is amazing I hope you both will be very very happy with potentially each other but maybe also not each other but with people in the future and just goes to show that whatever you think is a very rare fetish is not the case at all so that was lovely also we had an amazing submission from Sarah this month or I think it was a couple of weeks ago now now I do want to say on the contribute form there are lots of sections there are one two three four five six seven different sections that you can fill out when you fill out this form you

Starting point is 00:06:43 don't have to submit an answer in every single section if you don't want to I've had people before just ask questions I've had people just leave feedback just share a dating story you don't have to fill out every single question however the lovely Sarah has filled out every single section which is brilliant because obviously this is what these community episodes are for so I'm going to share a couple of our answers to the questions in the contribute form and then I'm going to dive into the rest of the questions from you guys that I've received this month so first of all share your best dating story so this this really made me laugh and I've never heard this phrase before so I got really excited

Starting point is 00:07:26 about a date with a man who seemed to tick all the boxes in terms of lifestyle values looks etc when we met he had the highest pitched voice I've ever heard on a human and he was extremely flamboyant I felt voice fished this does crack me up um it's one of those things where you know when you're not expecting something from someone and there's obviously nothing wrong with someone having a high-pitched voice but when you've built up this image image of someone in your head and then they don't sound like how you expect them to sound it can be a bit um what's the word off-putting or it can be a bit of a shock but yeah we all have our preferences and I just love the term voice fished so thank you for sharing that what are your biggest icks so Sarah says tightness with money and I I agree with this like I don't expect to be with someone who is flashy or who is like

Starting point is 00:08:29 splashing the cash because I've also dated that guy as well and that is a bit off-putting when they're almost like bragging about how much money they have I don't like that that gives me the ick but then the complete opposite where people are really tight with money I've actually got a funny story about this and I'm sure my friend won't mind me sharing this because she has said that she is going to write the story out in full for this episode or for an episode of the podcast but one of my closest friends she went on a date with someone to I think it was was like a Costa or a Starbucks or somewhere like that, a chain coffee place. And he had a voucher for like getting the coffees or whatever.

Starting point is 00:09:15 And he was like, I'll get you a coffee, which is fine. No shame around having vouchers. Although I like if someone was taking me out on a date and they, I don't know, I don't know how I feel about it. I think it would be a little bit off-putting because I'm like making effort on the first date like you don't have to spend loads of money on me on a first date but make a bit more of an effort whatever anyway so he's got this voucher and he orders a coffee for himself and he asked my friend what she wants and she didn't want coffee she was like I'm just gonna get a bottle of water and he was like well I'm not wasting the voucher on your bottle of water and I'm pretty sure she's gonna correct me if I'm wrong because I know that she listens to this but I'm pretty sure

Starting point is 00:09:50 she then had to pay for her own bottle of water because he didn't want to use his voucher on water and in some ways I kind of understand this because I do think like water is water it's not a it's not a treat is it like it's a bottle of water but also if somebody has taken me out on a date I wouldn't expect to pay for my own water just because they didn't think that that was a superior enough drink for me to have on this date like I would be offended um so yeah tightness with money is a is a big ick um also being into um sorry what else was said here also being so into conspiracy theories that they don't have the headspace for rational conversation oh my god I can I believe that as well like I can completely understand where you're coming from

Starting point is 00:10:38 there um and then she's put can you tell that I'm talking about a specific ick. Yes, that is a very specific ick right there. But I agree with that as well. I love to hear a conspiracy theory because I find it interesting. I am very into hearing different perspectives, different points of view, different ideologies, because I'm quite a curious person. I love to learn new new stuff I get quite excited when somebody tells me something that I've not heard before and I do find conspiracy theories interesting but also they're just theories and I sometimes think people can be so into them that they can't see anything logical or rational as you say here like there's no space for rational conversation and that's just a massive ick um then what is the funniest most ridiculous response you've received

Starting point is 00:11:34 to one of your photos or prompts on a dating app and sarah's response was you are a solid seven out of ten wow like that's i mean I don't know whether that whether people think that that's like a compliment or whether they're just trying to be funny or whatever it is I remember my ex before we started dating um told me that I was a four out of ten and I know he thought it was funny like I know it was kind of a joke at the time but it like massively impact my impacted my confidence for a very long time and even this whole like you're a solid seven out of ten although having said that I was watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recently and one of the new wives oh my god what is her name

Starting point is 00:12:17 I can't remember what her name is but one of her one of the new wives came on and said that her husband said that she's when she was like or they were talking about like why he'd married her and she was like well he says that I'm a solid eight out of ten at everything I do he was like so I'm not the best at like being a mom being a sports woman in attractiveness like I'm not the best but I'm a solid eight out of ten in every area and that's really rare to find and I was like I don't know how I'd feel the best but I'm a solid 8 out of 10 in every area and that's really rare to find and I was like I don't know how I'd feel about that like is that a compliment like is it is it a bit offensive I don't know but yeah I just don't like to be rated out of 10 to be

Starting point is 00:12:57 honest um we're gonna save the question to a minute so I can answer all questions in one go I had such a lovely review from sarah she said i absolutely love your show you're so raw and open and vulnerable in the level of detail you share it inspires me to connect more to my insecure parts of myself it's one of my favorite podcasts so thank you so much for leaving that um review in the contribute form it like it actually makes my day when i had this form come through it makes my day to see you guys contributing and to receive your messages I've had messages in the dms where I've heard from you like telling me that one of my episodes has helped you in your relationship or telling me

Starting point is 00:13:35 that something really resonated or saying that a phrase that I'd used just set off this massive light bulb in your mind or even just hearing that you don't feel so alone it means that like my mission with the podcast is working essentially um so it's really lovely to hear that so thank you and then the last tip that Sarah wanted to share I asked in the contribute form do you have any amazing dating tips that you want to share with us and she said go on a hike or do an activity that doesn't just involve sitting in front of each other drinking I agree with that so much there is something so much better about activity dates I feel like as well I'm a big fan

Starting point is 00:14:20 of the activity happening first so whether that be going for a walk or I've been uh what have I done mini golf I've done table tennis I went axe throwing with a guy that I'm currently seeing doing activity stuff first really helps to break the ice because you've got that shared common interest in that moment so you can have fun you can have a bit of banter you can chat about the game that you're playing or the activity that you're doing and likewise even when you're going on a hike you're walking next to each other so you don't have the intensity of staring at someone across the table which can make things feel a bit more it can make it more of a pressured environment whereas if it is a bit more casual especially just for the first date I think that's a great idea so I'm 100% in agree in agreement with you

Starting point is 00:15:11 there okay we're gonna move on as I said if you want to contribute to these community episodes then go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com contribute because I would love to hear from you fill out as much of the form as you want to if you only just want to ask a question then absolutely that's fine it's your form these are your episodes you can contribute however you want to right on to questions we've got three good questions this week I mean all questions are good questions there is no such thing as a silly question as a stupid question as an irrelevant question like every question you have is important and if it's something that you want to know more about then go ahead and ask it and you can even ask me personal questions and I'll respond to personal

Starting point is 00:15:57 questions it doesn't have to be oh I need advice but yeah no question is a stupid question and I want to put that out there because I know sometimes a lot of people are like oh I need advice but yeah no question is a stupid question and I want to put that out there because I know sometimes a lot of people are like oh I feel embarrassed to ask this question or is this going to be something stupid and am I going to be criticized or judged for this question and that is never ever going to be the case in this community so I yeah ask your questions however much you want to right let's dive into these questions I've had before I carry on waffling so question one I've been seeing someone for a little while now and it's going really well woohoo congrats I really like him he's kind funny sweet and has been open about his feelings for me he tells me how much he likes me but I'm scared it's all going to go wrong oh my god i relate to this so

Starting point is 00:16:45 much um i can feel myself getting anxious and i'm worried i will sabotage things my ex had intense mood swings that made me hypersensitive and now the slightest change in his tone no the slightest change in tone in this new guy's messages makes me panic i don't want him to lose interest in me. How do I cope with this? This is so relatable to me on a personal level and I know it's relatable to some of my friends and some of my clients. I think when we've all had experiences with people who haven't treated as well and not even necessarily treated as well but haven't been able to manage their emotions and their mood swings and that's impacted us it's so normal for us to take that into our next relationship and what I want to say is this guy that you're talking to he's obviously giving

Starting point is 00:17:38 you reassurance he's being very open he's telling you how much he likes you. What I do in these scenarios is I have to sit with myself and remind myself and repeat to myself over and over again, he is not my ex, he is not my ex, he is not my ex and I've had to do that a lot with this new guy that I'm dating because my anxiety has been the same, I'm not in the same scenario in terms of my ex having the mood swings but I feel like things are going so well and I'm having such a lovely time with this guy he makes me feel safe he makes me feel steady but now I've got to the point where my feelings are getting stronger and because I'm now invested in whatever this is emotionally, the anxiety is coming up for me because now there's that fear of loss. I now have something that I'm scared to lose and because of that and because I know

Starting point is 00:18:43 how my anxiety can make me behave I'm also worried about sabotaging things so the things that I have been doing first of all you have to get to a point where for two there are two things you have to you have to trust to your core that you are an amazing person, that you have so much to offer a relationship and that anyone would be lucky to be with you. You have to value yourself and love and respect and have the confidence in yourself that you are enough for the person that you are seeing. And this takes a hell of a lot of practice. This is hard work to do, but I promise you, you can get to that point. You have to believe that you are enough for anybody that comes along.

Starting point is 00:19:37 And you also have to know and have the trust within yourself that no matter how anything plays out in life, you are going to survive it. And this is what's been working for me the past few weeks. To lessen my grip on the idea that I could lose this person, I have to remind myself that no matter what I am faced with in life I will get through it and I can survive it and by doing that in for whatever reason it helps me relax a bit it helps me loosen my grip a bit it helps me to be able to breathe and go okay I'm feeling anxious but you know what I trust myself I've got this no matter how it plays out if it works out and he is the one great if it works out for another six months and then

Starting point is 00:20:32 we realize it's not for us great if he turns around tomorrow and says do you know what I've changed my mind I will survive I can get myself through anything. And that, to me, empowers me and reminds me of my own power and my own ability to get through life, even when I'm really anxious. So I would encourage you to work on building your self-confidence, because also the more confident you feel, the more self-assured you are, the better your symptoms of anxiety will be and the less likely you are to self-sabotage because you won't be in the downward negative anxious spiral. You won't fall into any of those anxious behaviours that can cause you to behave from an anxious state with a more negative behavior so things like picking fights make it like making up stories or attaching yourself to these stories and ideas that he's

Starting point is 00:21:34 just like your ex it puts you more in control when you're more confident in yourself it puts you in more control and helps you to manage those symptoms of anxiety. And even when you are in a space of an anxiety spiral, you can sit in the spiral without reacting from that anxious space. And I had to do this myself very recently where I just had to sit with the anxiety and go, do you know what? We're just gonna have to let this work our

Starting point is 00:22:05 way through the body and in that moment I did what I shared in Monday's episode where I talked about how I stop obsessing over what a guy hasn't messaged the practices in there really helped relieve my anxiety so I encourage you to go back and listen to that but I want you to know that you're not on your own we all experience these anxious emotions especially when it finally feels like things are happening in a positive way for us I had this conversation with the guy that I'm seeing um last week actually when I was at his I was like I'd had a few things go on with my work um in my business in my in my coaching business I'd had a few things go on with my work in my business, in my coaching business. I'd had a few things go on with the launch of Level Up In Love, with my work in general, with my income, like the financial side of my income. And I was also going through stuff with the guy that I'm seeing as well, just in terms of feeling anxious. And I said, I've been working

Starting point is 00:23:05 to get to this point in my life for many years in terms of my business, but in terms of my love life as well. I've put in a lot of time and energy and effort to get me to the point that I am actually in right now. It's like I finally started to reach the top of the mountain and now I'm nearly there I'm scared that it can be taken away from me and I feel like it's going to be taken away from me and it's really learning and practicing to get comfortable in that up leveled point in your life so in that leveled up relationship or in this leveled updating scenario you're just simply moving into a new chapter that is better than you've experienced before and because it's better than you've experienced before it feels uncomfortable because you're not used to it you're not in your comfort zone of being hypersensitive dealing with your

Starting point is 00:24:05 ex's mood swings that kind of scenario you're in a completely different better scenario with someone who's kind funny sweet has been open about his feelings because you're not used to it and you're outside of your comfort zone that level of anxiety is going to be there and then probably that fear that it's going to be taken away from you so I know this was a very long-winded answer I will leave the link to a video that I've done on YouTube called the discomfort zone come down because it's very similar to that where when you have left your comfort zone in the video it specifically talks about doing something scary leaving your comfort zone and then dealing with the comfort zone come down but the same principles apply to this scenario as well so I'll leave that for you to go and watch because the exercises in there are also really going to help you to cope with these feelings

Starting point is 00:24:57 of anxiety and this fear that you could potentially sabotage things. I hope that that was helpful, I would love to hear back from you if you have found that helpful and also if you are enjoying the answers that I'm giving during this Q&A, you can submit your questions in the form like I said but I have got something very exciting coming soon, which I will be announcing during the dating debrief, which is the free masterclass that's happening next Wednesday. This is a brand new thing that I haven't talked about publicly yet.

Starting point is 00:25:37 I'm not talking about it publicly until the end of the masterclass next week. So if you are someone who really enjoys and finds this type of feedback helpful and you have a lot of questions or you would like ongoing support it's not about level up in love it's something completely different then come along to the masterclass and find out all about that there because it is something that is gonna completely change your dating and relationship life and I'm very very excited about it so that's all I'm gonna say now because we're not announcing it publicly yet but that's that come to the dating debrief

Starting point is 00:26:15 links in the show notes okay next question I came out of a six-month relationship recently because my ex wanted to start sleeping with other people. It was complex and linked to sex addiction but nonetheless really hurt my confidence and made me feel physically inadequate. It's also made me see other women as competition which I really hate catching myself doing. How can I stop comparing myself and feel good in myself again? First of all, I'm really sorry that this has made you feel that way. I can completely understand how that would have knocked your confidence. When somebody expresses their desire to be with multiple people, it can make us feel like we're not enough.

Starting point is 00:27:04 Like, as you say say it made you feel physically inadequate what I want to say on that is your feelings are absolutely valid you're not alone in those feelings and I'm sorry that it's hurt your confidence and I also want to say that there are occasions where it's not about you and you say, if this was complex and linked to sex addiction, this was more about that person needing other people as opposed to you not being enough. I believe, and obviously, I don't know this person, but my thought is that no matter who you were, no matter what you looked like, no matter how much you did for that person, they would need external people, they would need other lovers as well,

Starting point is 00:27:54 no matter, you could give your everything and it wouldn't be enough for them because of their addiction, not because you are not enough. And I also also I would suggest really giving yourself some grace to allow yourself to process that hurt allow yourself to feel the pain of that and the pain of that rejection don't try and bottle it all up but allow those feelings to come out when they need to and simultaneously look at rebuilding your body confidence specifically. So look at showering your body with love, saying kind things to your body, holding your body, doing things for your body that make you feel good in your own skin again and there are some exercises in the, I know that you might not necessarily be looking to have

Starting point is 00:28:46 sex with anyone else at the moment but in the how to be confident having sex with someone new episode um a couple of episodes ago i'll link it in the show notes i included a lot of exercises in there for feeling comfortable with your body again so ignore the like premise of it preparing you for sex. Just focus on the tips in there that are about you improving your body confidence. And there's also, I have a guided visualization called Build Body Confidence. It's a free meditation that you can download in the show notes. I'll also put that in there listen to that regularly because that made me that changed my entire relationship with my body after my last breakup when I I didn't go through a similar thing in in that respect but at the end of my last relationship I felt like my body wasn't

Starting point is 00:29:41 enough based on we don't need to get into it but based on a few different things I loath like my body wasn't enough based on, we don't need to get into it, but based on a few different things, I loathed my body and I felt like it was my body's fault that I wasn't enough for him anymore. And the practice that is in the build body confidence meditation is what helped me completely change my relationship with my body. So I would encourage you to really spend some quality time with yourself, doing whatever you can to feel good in your body again. Because when you lack body confidence as well, that impacts every area of your life. And I don't think people appreciate how much the relationship with your body does impact the rest of their life. It can make you not want to go out. It can make you not want to socialise.

Starting point is 00:30:24 It can make you feel vulnerable in front of friends. It can mean that you don't want to go out it can make you not want to socialize it can make you feel vulnerable in front of friends it can mean that you don't want to speak up at work it can make you feel self-conscious at work even just walking down the street if you have a poor relationship with your body you can feel like everyone's looking at you everyone's judging you and that can be really quite damaging and quite harmful and can make you feel really low. So do whatever you can to spend those moments with your body and build that confidence back up with your body. You say that you see other women as competition and I can completely understand why you would. I would say don't beat yourself up for feeling that way, like

Starting point is 00:31:06 feeling guilty or beating yourself up because you catch yourself doing that isn't going to solve anything, it's not going to make a difference to anything in the slightest. So in those moments remind yourself that you're human, remind yourself that it's okay to have that human reaction and just take some deep breaths and say it's okay for me to be feeling this way when it comes to stopping comparing yourself i would say social media is going to play a massive role in this i would say temporarily unfollow or mute any accounts on social media where you notice your mood dipping because you've been viewing their content or you notice negative thoughts coming into your mind when you've been

Starting point is 00:31:50 viewing their content i say actively seek empowering body positive content from creators who are body positive who talk about self-love who talk about body confidence i say actively seek those out and put those people in your feed to remind you to inspire you and to help you build that self-confidence again i would say look for exercises across the three layers of confidence so the three layers of confidence being think confident act act confident and feel confident. So do exercises for your mindset, things like positive affirmations. I love and accept my body the way that I am. I am enough for who I am.

Starting point is 00:32:36 I love myself every day. Anything that shifts your thinking into positive thinking out of negative thinking. You can write out empowerment lists, go on on mindset like positive mindset monologues there's more detail on these exercises inside the confidence kit which you can also download for free in the show notes so check that out likewise the act confident exercises things like make sure you're dressing in clothes that make you feel good make sure you're doing your hair and makeup if you wear makeup in a way that makes you feel confident every day, choose your confidence anchors like a perfume that makes you feel confident, put on a piece of jewellery, dance around the kitchen, sing along to your favourite songs, shift your posture, try some lion's breathing, these exercises are all

Starting point is 00:33:21 in the confidence kit which is easy for you to access but make sure you're doing practical actions to feel confident in yourself again because when you're feeling more confident in yourself you're also going to stop comparing yourself it's it comes naturally the more confident you feel the less likely you are to compare yourself because you know that you are enough as you are and you don't need to put yourself in competition with other women and then lastly from a field perspective things like visualization meditation practice yoga do breath work eft the five minute meditation for daily confidence is in the confidence kit so give that a listen but really prioritize your wellness prioritize prioritize your mindset, make an effort to feed your body nourishing foods, not because you're trying to improve the way that your body looks, but because you want to improve the way that your body feels. And it really is an inside job

Starting point is 00:34:16 sometimes. Like I know for a fact, when I am eating fruit and vegetables, when I'm drinking enough water, when I'm getting enough sleep, my body feels good internally and that naturally lifts my mood. So it's going to take a little bit of time. I am really sorry that this has happened to you. I say to you, I feel like there will come a point where you are able to reflect back on this and realise it's happened for you and that perhaps you've had a lucky escape but I am sorry that you're experiencing this in this moment but know that you will come out the other side of this, this isn't the way that you're going to feel forever, you are enough as you are and you will find yourself an incredible person who values you, respects you and who doesn't need multiple people within their relationship.

Starting point is 00:35:10 If you are not open to a non-monogamous relationship, you will find the perfect person who absolutely wants the same type of relationship as you do. So hold on to that. And there are episodes from before, which you may have already listened to, that are how to believe your, or what is it, how to manifest the one, your dream relationship exists. If you want something that's a bit more uplifting and you want to look at the practices that you can do when you are ready to welcome a new relationship into your life then go back and give those a listen so I really hope that that was helpful and then the last question I'd really like to hear you speak more about jealousy and dealing with that in relation to your partner I have struggled with retroactive jealousy and now still have flashbacks and intrusive thoughts of my recent ex with new women

Starting point is 00:36:07 I find it really hard I have always struggled with jealousy in relationships I've always felt jealous when my exes have been talking to other people whether it's colleagues if they've been texting friends if they have talked to a stranger at a bar. I always experienced a lot of jealousy but then I met the guy that I'm dating now and something has shifted and I think it's because of the way that he makes me feel. So I would say part of dealing with jealousy is being with someone who makes you feel so secure. Jealousy wouldn't even come up as an emotion. Because even if he talks to other women, even if he buys a drink for another woman, even if he's messaging another woman,

Starting point is 00:36:59 he makes you feel so secure and enough for who you are. It doesn't matter because you know that he's never going to be the type of person who is going to cheat or is going to make you feel like you're not enough my exes all of them i think openly flirted with other women in front of me on a regular basis and it left me feeling really insecure and really jealous and i and i do believe that a big part of us feeling jealous is because of the way that the other person is making us feel. So first of all, I'd say when you are with someone who makes you feel safe, you're not going to feel that jealousy

Starting point is 00:37:36 anyway. I know that you are feeling jealousy now about your ex with new women. Unfortunately, this is a bit of a roller coaster that you're gonna have to ride for a little while. And I know that because I had to do the exact same after my past breakups, multiple breakups. It is really hard when you see an ex with someone new. It brings up that real those real hard emotions it is really difficult i would say the best things that you can do are to ground yourself so things that practices like meditating practices like breath work anything to get you out of your head and into your body so that you can relax into your body and stop thinking those thoughts and visualizing those images, picturing those images in your mind. Anything that can calm you and ground you is going to be really helpful. And I would also say think about

Starting point is 00:38:39 the dialogue that you're having with yourself in your mind. Think about the things that you are telling yourself, the conversation that's going around with yourself in your mind. Think about the things that you are telling yourself, the conversation that's going around with yourself in your mind. And in those moments where you feel jealous, perhaps get a little bit curious and be like, okay, why am I jealous in this moment? Why am I thinking about this? And ask yourself, do I want to be thinking about this? Is this something that I want to be going

Starting point is 00:39:05 through my mind in this moment? And the answer is obviously going to be no and say to yourself, I'm choosing to think differently now. I am choosing to not let this be the case anymore. I am deciding to get this out of my mind. I'm deciding to distract my mind and go and do something for yourself. Take away those thoughts from your brain distract yourself with whatever it is you want it to be it's okay to numb a bit if you need to numb or do an empowering activity instead go and have a bath go for a walk do some washing up dance around the kitchen play your music do anything you can to distract yourself and to not anchor into that thought I think a lot of times what happens is we get this initial thought so we get the initial

Starting point is 00:39:54 flash of image or we get this initial initial picture of your ex with another woman and it's painful but it's like you know when you watch something gross on telly and you're watching something disgusting and you don't want to watch it because it's making you feel sick but you can't take your eyes off it that happens with these flashbacks and images that we get in our mind so that happens, your brain wants to anchor onto it, you don't want to look away, but you have to train yourself to move away from it as quickly as possible, because the longer you allow it to replay in your mind, the worse it's going to make you feel. So the second you get that image, the second you get that image, or the second you are aware that you're playing that image in your mind choose something else go to open up your photos app and look at a photo that makes you feel good

Starting point is 00:40:52 or like for me I've got videos of my niece and nephew on my phone if ever I need a mood boost I'll open up one of those videos and watch it and it'll make me laugh and I can't simultaneously be feeling jealousy be feeling rage be feeling like I'm not enough when I'm laughing at the kids so do whatever you can to constantly shift yourself out of that jealousy and then over time what will happen is that jealousy will ease and those periods of jealousy will become less frequent to the point where it may only come up every now and again and in those every now and again moments you'll be able to handle them so much better because by that point your confidence will be higher you'll be feeling a lot more self-assured in yourself and you'll have processed

Starting point is 00:41:33 this breakup during that period of time if you'd like me to do a full episode on jealousy obviously that was quite a quick response if you'd like me to do a full episode on jealousy do let me know if that's something that you are interested in i hope that the answers to those questions have been helpful for you I would love to hear your feedback from them so if you enjoyed the answers if you found them helpful if you've enjoyed that episode then go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com slash contribute and let me know if you've got a follow-up question to anything that I've answered again ask me in the form because I'm more than happy to answer that for you our next community episode will be the second Thursday in April oh my god we're in March with the second Thursday in April so that'll be

Starting point is 00:42:17 coming out then so you've got a couple of weeks to fill out the form get your responses in and be a part of the next episode thank you so much for listening thank you so much to those of you who have submitted your responses to the podcast it really really does mean a lot so I appreciate you being here I appreciate you listening don't forget to come along to the date in debrief which is happening live next Wednesday. If you can't make it live then as long as you have signed up you will receive access to the recording. As I said I've got a really exciting announcement coming and the whole premise is how I went from anxious, codependent and unable to speak up in relationships to confidently dating able to set

Starting point is 00:43:05 solid boundaries and having the time of my love life obviously we've touched on anxiety today we've touched on anxiety in the last two episodes so i feel like the masterclass is gonna be amazing for so many of you because we're gonna talk a lot about my history with being anxious in relationships and my codependency. So come along to that. And yeah, I have to run now because I got shit to do, but have a wonderful rest of the week. I'll see you again on Monday and yeah, see you in the next one. Thanks so much for listening to the Date with Confidence podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Subscribe, rate and review and share it with your single friends. you

The Date with Confidence Podcast - Dating Advice: How Can I Stop Comparing Myself?

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