The Date with Confidence Podcast - Dating Advice: Is This Really a Red Flag?

Starting point is 00:00:00 Okay this isn't the episode that I had planned to share with you today but I am currently staying with a guy that I'm seeing and I didn't factor in the amount of traffic that would be going past during the day so I can't actually record what I wanted to record for you today. So this is an episode that I recorded a couple of weeks ago that was going to come out at some point in the future. It wasn't on the list to come out today but I wanted to share this with you anyway. I wanted to make sure that an episode went out today so I've got my backup plan. This episode is all about red flags and before you get listening to it I also wanted to let you know that I'm hosting a free masterclass on the 20th of March. It's called The Dating Debrief and it's how I went from anxious, codependent and unable to speak up in relationships

Starting point is 00:00:54 to confidently dating, able to set solid boundaries and having the time of my life. So we're going to cover a lot in this session. I've called it a masterclass but it's not a sit down watch a load of slides take a load like take a load of notes type thing it's essentially going to be like a podcast episode really we're going to sit there have a chat you'll be able to ask me questions you'll be able to share your feedback share your thoughts it's going to be interactive I the vibe is going to be us sitting down and having a cup of tea while we chat about my dating and relationship history and

Starting point is 00:01:32 the lessons that I've learned and my hope for you is that you're going to come along and you're going to leave feeling a lot more confident, a lot more empowered and more hopeful in your own dating life. So as I said it's completely free. It's happening on the 20th of March live. If you cannot make it live, there will be a chance for you to access a replay, but I would love to see you there because then obviously, as I said, you can ask me questions, you can get involved. I will see you there. Now let's get on to this episode that's all about red flags and I'll be back again on Monday with an episode that was actually supposed to go out on the right day so I will see you there. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and

Starting point is 00:02:20 stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that'll provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life, you are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups, you are welcome my friend. Subscribe, review and share with your single friends. Welcome back to the Date With Confidence podcast with me Rebecca Hawkes. Today we are talking all about red flags.

Starting point is 00:03:08 So I've got a selection of questions and comments that have been asked about whether something is a red flag or not. So I thought I would share my opinion on what I think and whether I would class these as red flags or whether I think it's something that the person who's asked it is maybe overthinking or being oversensitive about now this is my personal opinion but one thing that I do want to say at the start of this episode is if you think it's a red flag and it looks like a red flag and it feels like a red flag chances are it's a fucking red flag okay so I'm gonna go through these um questions and share my opinion but for the most part whenever you feel like something is a red flag it's probably gonna be a red flag okay first of all I've been speaking to

Starting point is 00:04:01 a guy and I'm not sure if this is a red flag. I matched with a guy on Hinge and we totally hit it off, messaging and voice noting for hours. We've had a few long phone calls too, some lasting more than two hours. The banter's great, we have chemistry and both have the same sense of humour. However, a couple of times when we've been talking, he started talking about women in an absolutely disgusting way. He referred to a girl he used to know as skinny but not sexy skinny she looked like a starved animal it was disgusting. Wow. Another time he said another time he described a friend's ex-girlfriend as super fat. He's spoken like this a few times now and I'm really uncomfortable with it. I don't like it when men comment on women's bodies and I don't understand

Starting point is 00:04:44 how he can talk about them with so much disgust to someone that he's only just met I really like him otherwise and he seems like a great guy apart from this I don't know if I'm being over sensitive or if it's a red flag and I should run well I like personally if a guy spoke about another woman like that it would be a massive red flag for me because I'd be like well what the fuck are you saying about me if you can talk about another woman's body like that and you supposedly liked them or just just it doesn't even matter about liking them if you can speak about another woman's body like that then what's to say that you can't speak about my body and what are you saying about my body and what are you thinking about my body if I was going to be intimate with a man and I already knew that he was so judgmental and critical and disgusting about

Starting point is 00:05:34 somebody else's body it would really hold me back from being intimate because I'd feel like if I was naked he would be judging what my body looked like so it would be a massive issue for me I think people can have preferences around the shape of the body that they like around the body type around what they find attractive I have my preferences I expect men have their own preferences but if somebody has a body type that isn't your preference that doesn't mean that you get to be nasty or rude or downright disgusting about their body I think the issue is and this isn't justifying the way he's talking because we're in 2024 you should know that this kind of talk is not acceptable anymore but I think the issue is we have and are brought up in this society where it's always been acceptable up until very recently as

Starting point is 00:06:35 in the last couple of years where it's always been very acceptable to talk about other people's bodies and to judge them and criticize them and give your opinions on them and there has always been this acceptance of a certain figure yet anything that deviates from that strict type of body type is thought of as wrong or like skinny or fat or like that just not a good body type to have if that makes sense so I think there's a lot of conditioning that comes into it and why he think probably doesn't see anything wrong with speaking about a woman's body like this but for me personally it would be a red flag especially as if he's just met you you'd also expect him to not be on his best behavior but you'd expect that he wanted to make a good impression on you if he liked you and I'm very

Starting point is 00:07:42 much about being your authentic self and I don't believe we should wear masks or we should try and be someone that we're not or we should try and only show our best side when dating but I do feel like if he is comfortable enough or doesn't see an issue with these types of comments now when he's in the early stages of dating you or of him trying to impress you then what else could he say when he's at that comfortable state and I do feel like if he feels like it's acceptable to say these kinds of things about a woman's body then I would see him as the type of person that would be comfortable criticizing other aspects of a woman which I don't agree with I personally I would run it would be a red flag unless he was

Starting point is 00:08:33 the sort of person where you could bring that up and you could say actually the way that you're speaking about women's bodies is an issue for me and I don't know whether you realize this but it's quite a derogatory way to speak about a woman if he is somebody that would be open to a conversation where you could explain why it's making you uncomfortable and why it's not okay for him to speak like that about a woman's body and he was self-aware enough to go oh okay maybe I have got it wrong or maybe this is just how I've been conditioned and I'm willing to change great but I don't know that many men that would be open to such conversations purely because if you say to someone the way you're talking is pretty disgusting a lot of people and this is me completely stereotyping and generalizing here but a lot of people would have their ego hurt by that

Starting point is 00:09:31 so I would run now before you fall in love with him because it's much easier to escape the red flags before you get to that point whereas when you get to the point where your emotions are more in control, then you could just find yourself in a situation with somebody who is just not really a very nice person, to be honest. That is my opinion. And if he asks you why you're backing off or why you don't want to see him, then you can be honest about it and you can just say, it's uncomfortable to me the way that you speak about other women's bodies. It's not something that I'm looking for.

Starting point is 00:10:08 At which point he might go, oh, I didn't realise. Or he might go, well, fuck you, in which case, dodged a bullet there, love. Okay, the next one. Is it a red flag if someone unmatches you on a dating app immediately after getting your number? I mean, I don't think I would like it. I would maybe find it

Starting point is 00:10:26 a little bit of a I just don't know why they'd bother like why would you go for the effort of unmatching someone because surely you could just then pop back up in their feeds or for me I like to keep matched with someone so that I can go back to their dating profile to a see the multiple profile the multiple pictures that are on there because obviously with whatsapp you only get one and to just remind myself of what they'd put in their profile if I need to so if I'm talking with someone on whatsapp and then I don't remember what we spoke about before or if I'm not really feeling the conversation or if I'm really feeling the conversation and I want to remind myself of what they've said about their self in their profile

Starting point is 00:11:09 I would just never bother unmatching but then I don't bother unmatching anyone even people that I've been on dates with and it's not worked out I just don't think of it as being something to do so what would be the reasoning for unmatching once they've got the number i think this is probably a personal preference if you would feel uncomfortable if someone unmatched you after getting your number then it's a red flag red flags can be fluid they can be different for every single person what's a red flag for me might be might not be a red flag for you and i know you get the generic ones that are absolutely red flags like the one we just spoke about a moment ago but ones like this would you maybe

Starting point is 00:11:51 call it a beige flag I don't know to me I'd find it a bit weird but I don't know if it would necessarily be a big enough issue for it to bother me you could always just ask them and say oh I noticed you unmatched me is there a reason for this if you're that curious but I don't think that would be a massive deal for me however if you do have a different opinion on that I would love to hear your reason why it would be a red flag if someone unmatched you because right now I can't think of why that would be a massive issue but I'm very open to seeing and hearing lots of different perspectives so I would happily welcome what you would have to say so perhaps you can share that in the poll if you're listening on and share that in the comments if you're listening on Spotify or you can go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com contribute and

Starting point is 00:12:40 there is a form there where you can fill in some information or you can answer the question that I just asked because yeah I'd really like to hear your thoughts. Then we have this one, I've been chatting with a guy for a couple of weeks and we've already been on three really awesome dates, the chemistry's there, we talk for hours and have those dates that you don't want to end. We don't communicate non-stop in between dates which is fine by me and we've organized a fourth date for a few days time. My issue is I noticed he'd updated his dating profile with new photos after our third date. During that date we talked about continuing to see each other and becoming intimate. I told him it might take me a little time but I would really like to. He seems just as keen as I

Starting point is 00:13:26 am and on each date has always asked when can I see you again. I thought it was a good sign when a guy plans the next day on the date but now I'm worried that him updating his profile is a red flag. This is quite uh this is this sounds quite familiar. I was in a very similar situation with the am I delusional guy I think it's episode 12 you can go back and listen to that and I'd also been on a few dates with him and I think I'd been on two dates and thought things were going really well and I noticed that he'd updated his hinge profile but I wasn't 100% certain whether he had or whether I just hadn't realised they were the photos that had been there before. But now thinking back on it, actually, I do think he had changed his profile after the second or third date. I personally, it's really tricky.

Starting point is 00:14:21 Part of me is like, yeah, I would see it as a red flag if after date three, he's talked about having sex with me and then gone back and updated his dating profile. However, there's also the argument that you're not exclusive, you're not a couple, you're not boyfriend and girlfriend. So he's entitled to continue dating and seeing other people but then why update your profile to me that would show that he's actively looking at matching other people whereas if he didn't update his profile but stayed on the dating apps then he's maybe not so fussed but to actively change the profile shows that he would be actively looking for someone else so then maybe that connection that you thought was there is

Starting point is 00:15:13 perhaps not there like I don't know I don't know if I'd want to continue dating someone I do think I do think that is a bit of a red flag like it's great that he's organized the next dates with you but if he was as into you as he said he is he wouldn't be updating his profile I always come back to this phrase if he wanted to he would and I feel like the same in this scenario like if he was as invested as you as he said he is he wouldn't be looking for anyone else so to me I hate to say it that is a bit of a red flag you could maybe bring it up with him and ask him if you feel like he would be honest with you but if you think it's a red flag if it feels like a red flag it is a red flag, if it feels like a red flag, it is a red flag. So trust your intuition on that one and decide before you become intimate with him. Because what would be worse is you thinking, do you know what, I'm going to sleep with him because that will hook him in.

Starting point is 00:16:18 That's not going to be the case. Okay, the next one. Is a guy being on multiple dating apps a red flag? No, I don't think so at all. I'm on five. I don't think looking in multiple places is a bad thing. Gives you more options. Not every woman is on every dating app. So he might be on different ones because he wants to get different matches in different places. I just don't see how like spreading yourself out a bit is an issue when you are actively dating. I think it's fine. And he might just be curious like me.

Starting point is 00:16:54 Like he might just be curious about what the different apps are like. I don't see it as an issue. Not a problem for me. Okay, I've been seeing a guy for a little while now. And we recently spoke about love on one of our dates he's been in several relationships but he said that he didn't love any of them I've been in the same amount of relationships but I loved two of them is it a red flag for a guy to have been in multiple relationships and not have been in love with any of

Starting point is 00:17:24 them I think there's a few things to unpack here. First of all I think it would depend on their age, how old are they? If you are someone in your early 20s then great, if you're someone who's in their 40s, 50s, 60s then maybe him not being in love could be a bit of a red flag because it's like well if you're if you've been in relationships where you've spent a lot of time with someone if you perhaps lived with them if they've been long-term relationships we also don't know how long these relationships have been if they've been a couple of months here and there different if you've been with someone for five years and you didn't love them that might be a bit of a red flag because it's like are you capable

Starting point is 00:18:08 of being in love do you know what it means to be in love if you could be with someone for five years and not be in love then what's to say that you could fall in love with me I also think he could just be saying that he hasn't been in love because he doesn't want to admit it then maybe if he's got low self-esteem or if he has been in a relationship before where there's been jealousy and he's admitted to being in love before and the person he was with didn't like the fact that he'd been in love with before he'd been in love with someone else before maybe he thinks it's easier for me to say no I haven't been in love so that you don't potentially get jealous or feel less than because he's loved someone else maybe he doesn't want you to bring it up further down the line that you like that he loved his ex does he love you more than he loved

Starting point is 00:19:05 his ex because there are women that will behave in that way if they're feeling insecure or if they're they've got like an anxious attachment style they may be like but but do you love me more than x person so he might just think it's easier to just say no he wasn't in love which I mean is kind of a red flag in itself the fact that he's not being honest with you but there's so much like context is everything is it a red flag for a guy to have been in multiple relationships and not been in love with any of them yes and no we need to know more of a background how long has he been in the relationships for has it just been a couple of months how old is he have these relationships been back to back has he been in anything long term there's so much context that's missing here so I feel like I can't say whether it

Starting point is 00:19:56 is a red flag or not so in that scenario you have to go with your gut and if you think it's a red flag and it looks like a red flag and it feels like a red flag to you, it is a red flag. So you're going to have to use your own judgment in that scenario as to whether you feel like that's a big enough deal to you to end something that could have potential, but also could lead nowhere. The next question question is it a red flag if a guy doesn't have social media no a lot of people and I know this because I've read it online a lot of people are like if he doesn't have social media it's a massive red flag everyone has social media nowadays how can he not be on social media I don't agree with that at all I know multiple men and I've dated multiple guys that don't have social media that aren't active on social media and I kind of like it to be honest

Starting point is 00:20:53 I think I would find it harder to date someone who is active on social media because I'm used to not having to deal with the scenarios of who is the guy following, is he messaging someone else on socials, that kind of thing, I don't, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing, maybe, okay, maybe if he has zero social media profiles, then, oh, could it, now, am I going to change my mind mind now if he's not active on social media I like that I like that he's not investing all that time and energy in being on socials if he has zero profiles across the internet anywhere maybe it is I don't really know to be honest I don't think it would bother me if I met him in real life and got to know him personally I don't think it would bother me if I met him in real life and got to know him personally.

Starting point is 00:21:46 I don't think it would be an issue for me if he had no social media at all. I don't think I would see that as a red flag. But again, that's my judgment. I would very much judge it based on the person that I'm with, as opposed to a blanket statement of, yes, it's a red flag if they have no social media or no, it's not. Again, it has to be your decision personally wouldn't bother me that much then we have do you think it's a red flag if a guy mainly follows women on instagram i've been seeing someone for a little while and his instagram following is 60 to 70 female they're not Instagram models or influencers, just ordinary women like me.

Starting point is 00:22:28 I don't know if this is a red flag or if I'm being sensitive. First of all, I'd ask why you feel like you might be being sensitive. Is this from your own personal insecurities is there something where you feel insecure like you are not enough because he is following all these women and I would also say again like this can vary because 60 to 70 percent if he's following 100 people and there's like 60 women that's not really that many in the grand scheme of things whereas if he's following like I don't know a thousand people and 600 of them are women that's there's a big difference between that um and I would say it really depends on it depends on a few things it depends on the way he's engaging with

Starting point is 00:23:25 these women is it people that he knows is it friends is it people that he went to school with is it people that he's had conversations with is he sending flirty messages is he sending fire emojis is he responding to stories how is he engaging with the women that he's following is far more important than whether or not or why he is following these women. I would also say this would come down to trust. And I would say, how long have you been seeing them for? Do you trust them implicitly who they follow online is not going to make a blind bit of difference to you if you don't trust this person then I would

Starting point is 00:24:14 ask myself why don't I trust this person is it because the way people have previously made me feel or the experience that aren't experiences that I have personally lived through previously that mean I don't trust this person or is it because he has given me reason not to trust him i.e by messaging other girls by flirting with other people in front of me by notifications coming up on his phone, whatever, by cheating on me previously. I'd look at those two things, find out why there is a lack of trust and why this would bother you. If it is because he has given you reason not to trust him, I would say the fact that he's following these other women, then maybe it is an issue and maybe here's somebody that you need to cut ties with now before

Starting point is 00:25:06 it gets too serious if you don't trust him because of your own past and the way that other people have treated you then i would say get yourself some therapy do some work on yourself to overcome that past trauma and to ensure that you're not taking those trust issues into what could become a future relationship. I've gone really around about the houses answering that, I think, but hopefully you found that helpful. I've been chatting with a guy for a couple of weeks now. We wanted to meet sooner, but I had other commitments, so we've arranged a date for next week.

Starting point is 00:25:41 My concern is sometimes when I message him, the message doesn't deliver straight away sometimes it could be a couple of hours before it shows as two ticks on whatsapp is this a red flag this again sounds quite relatable to me because the guy that was messaging Ted real name's not Ted obviously but in the I know what I deserve now episode I think is episode 20 the same thing happened with him there would be moments where I would message and the message wouldn't deliver for ages but he also supposedly worked in telecommunications and worked away and worked nights so there was part of me that was like oh maybe his messages

Starting point is 00:26:26 aren't delivering because he's busy at work or because he's somewhere where he doesn't have signal I would be slightly dubious about the messages not delivering straight away however having said that this has just made me think I've got a group chat with a couple of my friends who I've mentioned before like the girls um that I've talked about before on the podcast we have a group chat and there are times where I will message the group chat and the messages won't deliver straight away to at least one of them and I know that they're not out and about putting their phone on whatever so that the messages can't be delivered because because they're like having an affair or something like I know that for a fact so

Starting point is 00:27:10 again I really think it depends on different scenarios do they live in the countryside if they live in the countryside then perhaps they just have really poor signal where they live and that's why the messages aren't delivering do they have a job that requires their phone to be put on airplane mode again that could be why they're not delivering I would say if it is something that is concerning you there is no harm in bringing up that topic I, oh, I've noticed that my messages don't always deliver. I wondered why that was and see what their response is. If they get defensive, if they become cagey, if they try and gaslight you into you're being crazy, then massive red flag. If they are quite nonchalant about it and like, oh, I just, I don't get reception when I'm in this part of the house or I have to put my phone on airplane mode when I'm

Starting point is 00:28:10 at work or whatever the reasons are, then maybe it's less of a red flag. But again, you got to trust your intuition on this one, as with all of them. I matched with a guy on Bumble recently and as we were chatting chatting we got onto the topic of how long we'd been single for. He asked me why my last relationship ended and then I asked him. His response was quite aggressive about his ex. He said some quite nasty things about her and seemed to point the blame at her. I know I don't know their relationship so he could be telling the truth but relationships are made of two people, you know? Is it a red flag that he was so openly rude about his ex?

Starting point is 00:28:51 Surely he must have had feelings for her at some point. So how can he talk about her with so much disgust to someone he doesn't know? I'm not sure if I'm just being sensitive or if this is someone I should avoid. To be honest, when a man speaks negatively about his ex, it gives me the ick a bit because I think regardless of the way that they've treated you, something would have been there. You would have had feelings for her or them. You would have had feelings for them. You would have cared for them at some stage for them to be an ex you're not just with someone because you don't care about them so when somebody talks negatively about an ex regardless of what the situation was and it's not even negatively i think you can talk about someone and an experience you've had in a negative way, without being nasty, or malicious, or spiteful

Starting point is 00:29:46 about it, I think you can fact state, and you can say this is what happened, this is why we split up, but when you bring in things like, oh she was a psycho, or fuck her, like it's an ick for me, I don't, I don't like it, have you, if you've watched Sex and the City, you'll have known, you'll have seen the episode where Berger gets a voicemail from his ex. She leaves a voicemail on his answer phone and he sticks his fingers, his middle fingers up at her or he sticks his middle fingers up at the answer phone

Starting point is 00:30:20 and carries like, what the actual fuck was that? That's how I feel when a guy slags off his ex in a really negative way in a in a malicious way so to me it would be a little bit of a red flag because I'm like if you can talk about somebody that you supposedly cared about in such a nasty way what's to say that you wouldn't suddenly turn on me if things didn't go to plan with me and I think as well having been on it having been on the receiving end of the opposite when I was talking to I know I deserve now guy he when I spoke to him about his ex he was actually really nice he was like oh we just drifted apart we just fell out of love with each other nothing bad happened but we were just not compatible anymore it was really refreshing to hear that perspective or to hear him talk about his ex in a kind way because I thought no matter

Starting point is 00:31:19 what's gone on between you you've still got the respect to talk about the end of the relationship nicely so yeah it would I don't think you're being sensitive it is something that would be an issue for me and would bother me as well why did he lie about the number of people he slept with and is this a red flag I've been speaking to someone who I felt a real connection with for the first time since I left a relationship where my ex cheated on me. Because of my past, I know I have trust issues. When talking to this guy, I asked how many people he'd been with and at first he said four, but when I told him I'd only been with two people, he changed his answer to 56 56 fucking hell i made a joke out of there being a big difference between four and 56 and he blamed his neurodiversity for the impulsive first

Starting point is 00:32:13 answer he acknowledged how that must have looked and felt to me and apologized immediately i don't know whether i'm being sensitive or whether it's a red flag that he lied to me first of all. First of all I do feel like a lot of the questions that have been asked people are like women women in particularly are like am I being sensitive and I'm so sick of us being labeled with this sensitive label our feelings and our emotions and the way that we react to something isn't sensitive if that is a feeling and an emotion that you have to a situation you're not being over sensitive you're having a human reaction and I'm sick of being told that our reactions are us being too sensitive or overreacting that's bollocks we are allowed to feel and we are allowed to

Starting point is 00:33:06 have the reactions that we have we are allowed to have the emotional response that we have we are not being fucking sensitive and that's not having a go for the person that wrote this question that is just i'm so i'm so over it yes we can be reactive and we can have reactions that perhaps on reflection might feel like they've been blown out of proportion. But we're not being sensitive because we have an emotional reaction to something. So your emotional reaction to this person changing their mind about how many people they slept with isn't you being oversensitive. It is you having that human reaction. So don't ever beat yourself up for what people consider being sensitive.

Starting point is 00:33:48 You're not sensitive. You are just a human being. Is it a red flag that he lied to me? Yes, I mean, any lying full stop, I think is a red flag. I think what's good about it is the fact that he has immediately acknowledged the way that that would have made you feel and he has apologized for it i think we can all make mistakes and we can all say things

Starting point is 00:34:15 impulsively and i know that this is a fact with the neuro neurodivergent community myself being adhd as well i know that sometimes we can say things and be like oh actually I didn't mean that I don't know where that's come from it just comes out so I think the fact that he has acknowledged the impulsivity and he has apologized for it is a good sign I do think it's weird that that's such a big difference and I also think when it comes to people that you've slept with I mean I've always been honest about it but there is this theory that when a man is asked how many people he slept with he will inflate that number to be seen as more of a stud whereas when a woman is asked how many people she has slept with it's believed that a woman will lower the number of actual people she slept with

Starting point is 00:35:22 in order to not come across as a for want of a better word slut or whatever um so i don't know i don't know whether this guy has perhaps done that whether he's maybe inflated his number or whether he is like genuinely being honest i don't know maybe he maybe it was the impulsive thing maybe Maybe it was his neurodiversity. Maybe he just didn't want to be completely honest with you because he felt like his number was really big. But I also don't understand why it would have been a lower number and then when you said you'd only slept with two people, he would suddenly go to a much bigger number

Starting point is 00:35:59 because surely he wouldn't want to inflate it that much if you hadn't slept with that many people I don't know it would be something that would bother me because I think if you can lie about that what else could you lie about throughout the relationship however I also think we do have to recognize the neurodiversity and what he said about that and how he has been up front and if he is somebody who is going to say things impulsively but then recognize he's done it and apologize I think you have to give him grace for that and I think that that's fine if he recognizes oh shit I didn't mean to say that I'm really sorry I understand that that would have made you feel bad. That is okay. But again, it's,

Starting point is 00:36:45 it's all down to personal preference. Are you somebody who now he's lied about that one thing? Are you then going to spend the rest of the time together that you're speaking with them? Also says that you've been speaking to him. It doesn't say that you've been dating them. So have you even met this person yet? If you haven't met this person person yet i would just call it quits now before you start to get emotionally involved um personally but if you are somebody who is already struggling with trust issues and is already concerned about the fact that he has lied about this chances are you're going to spend so much time thinking every time he answers one of your questions well has he told the truth or has he just been impulsive again and that's not a healthy way to live your life so personally in this instance I

Starting point is 00:37:30 would call things quits before you get too involved but I've just got a couple more I've been talking to a guy for almost three months there are moments where he stops replying out of nowhere or he stopped replying at 7 p.pm but texted me the next day saying he fell asleep. I really like him but this behaviour bothers me so I texted him last week after a night out to tell him that it bothers me how on some days he's really into me then other days I feel like I don't exist. This was a week ago and he hasn't responded to my message but today he unfollowed me on Instagram. Should I message him again or should I see this as a red flag and move on? Don't message him again. Sack him off. You've been talking to him for three months, again it doesn't say whether

Starting point is 00:38:07 you've been dating or not, I would say it doesn't matter whether you've actually been seeing each other or not, if he is not making you feel important or special or like you matter and he's being very like all in or all out of his communication, he's not into you, he is just not that into you, which is probably gonna suck to hear but why waste your time on somebody who is not communicating with you in the way that you want to be communicated with like no it's been three months sack him off right now uh he unfollowed you he's he's definitely not interested he hasn't liked being called out on his behavior he could have somebody else he could be dating somebody else he could have a girlfriend who the fuck knows is it really

Starting point is 00:38:48 important no it's not this is a red flag move on now before you become more emotionally invested because this is not like honestly is this somebody that you want to invest more time with is this somebody that you want to invest your time and your energy in in whether it's messaging or dating like if he wanted to he would if he was interested in you he would communicate with you consistently he's just not he's not sack him off move on you deserve better raise those standards um talking of raising standards i actually have an entire lesson inside the confidence course that is dedicated to you raising your relationship standards and if you are somebody who is settling for the bare minimum then i would highly encourage you

Starting point is 00:39:41 to check out the confidence course because it is going to help you not only raise your standards in your relationships but it's going to help you set boundaries, it's going to help you increase your self-confidence so that you stop settling for these bullshit men who are just not worth your fucking time. Okay hang on, I feel like I got really ranty there but it really frustrates me the number of women I see who are consistently accepting bottom of the barrel men who are not treating you the way that you deserve to be treated. All these red flags and people are like is it a red flag i'm just not sure it's a fucking red flag and the thing is if you had more self-confidence if your self-esteem was higher

Starting point is 00:40:32 and you were more self-assured you wouldn't even question these things these wouldn't even be questions that you would be asking because you would see it for what it is and you would go straight away, I deserve more than that, I am worthy of more, my standards are higher, I'm gonna leave now. And I don't know, it upsets me sometimes that so many people are happy to settle for so little and I understand those reasonings because I've been there. I've been the one who's like, oh, I'll just accept these breadcrumbs or I'll accept these micro affections or I'll accept this one thing that he's done well and ignore the other 50 times that he's gaslit me or made me feel bad or treated me like shit. I've been in that position and I've had the low self-esteem where I've been willing to accept, as I said, bottom of the barrel behaviour. No more. Absolutely no fucking more.

Starting point is 00:41:32 And I really want you to be the same. I really want you to recognise how much you have to offer someone. I want you to recognise how valuable you are. I want you to feel so fucking confident in yourself that the second a red flag appears in your face, you go, no, you're not for me. See you later. And you can become that person with the confidence call. So you can check that out in the show notes. If you feel inclined to. Okay, the last two. If a guy has slept with a lot of women is it a red flag I've recently started dating a guy who told me he slept with a lot of women brackets close to 100 and I'm not sure if this is a red flag or not my personal opinion is no if a guy slept with a lot of women it does not

Starting point is 00:42:17 bother me in the slightest I personally would rather a man that has had more experience, whether that be experience in multiple long term relationships or whether that be experience as in he's slept around. I would rather that than somebody who has slept with maybe one person and doesn't have a lot of experience because I feel like the sex will be better with someone who has more experience. Maybe that's me being naive. Maybe he could just have had like 101 nightstands and be shit. But my personal opinion is that if he's slept around a lot, he is likely going to be better in bed. And I prefer that. So it's not really a red flag for me. If a guy hasn't had a relationship, that to me is more of a red flag than if you slept with a lot of women. So if a guy is in his 30s or 40s, and he hasn't had a long term relationship at all, that to me is a bit more of

Starting point is 00:43:17 a, I'd be a bit more dubious about that. Because I'm like, well, why have you not why have you not at least experienced one relationship um so yeah to me sleeping with a lot of women isn't isn't a red flag but again it's personal preference if you don't like the fact that he has been with that many women and it's going to cause problems or it's going to make you feel insecure then there are two ways you can go about that you can sack him off now or you can work on why it makes you feel insecure him having been with that many women. To me, I'm not insecure about the fact that he's been with that many women.

Starting point is 00:43:56 It doesn't affect my own sense of self-security. Self-security? Self-esteem, self-confidence, whatever. It just doesn't bother me either way because I also I'm like I know I'm not going to be comparing myself to all the hundred women that he slept with or I'm not gonna think oh is he comparing me to someone else I couldn't care less the last one I have been seeing someone for a month or two now and taking it pretty slow as he's very newly single neither of us are seeing anyone else but I mentioned I was out for a month or two now and taking it pretty slow as he's very newly single neither of us are seeing

Starting point is 00:44:25 anyone else but I mentioned I was out for a drink I mentioned I was out for a few drinks after work and then asked and then he asked me if I was going to be on the pool I can't tell if he's just being silly and joking or being serious is this a red flag or am I reading into it too much he could be asking you because maybe he's insecure or he's trying to gauge whether or not you're dating other people but he doesn't want to ask you outright because he doesn't want to be seen as maybe possessive or jealous or maybe he doesn't want to let you know how into you he is so he puts on this little joke that could be the case I when I was dating the the guy who lied to me which I think is episode 22 you can listen to that story there when I was dating him he used to ask me all the time about

Starting point is 00:45:18 did I have any dates planned had I kissed on the first day had I met someone else and I did find it a bit weird especially before we met but then after we'd met we'd been on that first day and I knew that he I say I know I got the impression that he had low self-esteem and and was insecure I saw that the reason he was asking me those things is because he wanted reassurance perhaps that he was the only person that I was seeing unless it was a bit of a fetish and he just liked that liked the idea of me dating other people but I didn't get that vibe from him um yeah I think it could come it could perhaps come from a insecure place it could be that he's jealous it could be that he is just trying to gauge how you feel about him so I wouldn't take it as a red flag as such but then if you've been

Starting point is 00:46:16 seeing him and it's going quite well I would be open with him and I'd be honest and I would say why are you asking me that or would that be an issue or like bring it up in conversation and just say oh when you asked me that I didn't know whether you were joking or whether you're being serious why did you ask me that question and then you can get the response from there I think open communication is so important and I don't think enough of us are confident enough to ask those questions because we feel like if we ask a question then that person might run away or they might accuse us of being psycho or they might gaslight us or whatever but one thing that I repeatedly try and remind myself is something that my friend said to me a while ago. She said

Starting point is 00:47:05 you can never say the wrong thing to the right person. So if you ask someone a question just to clear up any miscommunication or if you're concerned about something and their response is aggressive or defensive or gaslighting you or they start teasing you about it they're the wrong person in the first place whereas if you ask someone a question and they can communicate openly with you then they are the right person does that make sense so I would just ask the question I don't know if it's necessarily a red flag to be perfectly honest maybe he was just trying to yeah just trying to gauge where you were at but didn't want to openly ask you that for whatever reason I really hope you have

Starting point is 00:47:52 enjoyed this episode I have very much enjoyed going through all these red flags it's so interesting because a lot of red flags I see are or a lot of comments and questions and things that I read questions that I'm asked we can all relate I feel like we can all relate to these scenarios there's a couple of scenarios as I said when we were going through these questions there are a couple of scenarios that I really related to in my own dating life so I hope that you have found this helpful in some way and even if you didn't get the direct answer that you were looking for I hope it's encouraged you to trust your intuition to be able to coach yourself through these questions that you have yourself and just as

Starting point is 00:48:37 one last reminder if you think it's a red flag if it looks like a flag, if it looks like a red flag, if it feels like a red flag to you, it is a red fucking flag and go find someone else. I really don't think it's worth clinging onto somebody who is a walking red flag just because you might have some feelings for them in those initial stages. If there are red flags in the initial stages run for the hills now before you end up getting hurt there is an amazing guy waiting for you who isn't full of red flags he is out there you deserve him don't settle for anyone who is causing you to question things who is causing you concern who is a walking red flag you deserve the world know that for a fact okay if you want to contribute your red flags to the date of confidence podcast if you want to ask for my advice if you've got any questions you want to

Starting point is 00:49:39 share your dating stories anything at all go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com contribute and I will see you in the next one thanks so much for listening to the date with confidence podcast I hope you've enjoyed this episode subscribe rate and review and share it with your single friends Thank you. you

The Date with Confidence Podcast - Dating Advice: Is This Really a Red Flag?

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