The Date with Confidence Podcast - Dating Advice: Should He Delete Photos Of His Ex?

Starting point is 00:00:00 Okay, we are going to kick off our monthly community episode with this hilarious dating story sent in by Leah. So Leah says, I loved the pod hun. I have an embarrassing story about how I met my boyfriend's sister a while ago. This one night we'd been on a date in the city and had quite a lot to drink. I think it was the sixth or seventh day. It was his sister's birthday and she'd booked a private room somewhere nearby. He invited me to join him but said there was no pressure. I wanted to go as it sounded really fun and I was happy to start meeting his family. When we got there, disco fever had hit and it was really loud. I love a good party so it was right up my street. We couldn't find his sister initially so I had a dance and then went to sit down. Next thing, a drunk girl came over to ask us where the toilet was. I'd spotted it on the way in, so I turned to point her in the right direction.

Starting point is 00:00:48 Now, as I turned, his sister was approaching to say hi. I pointed my finger and no joke, it went directly into his sister's belly button. Like deep in there. I completely froze and looked at her, my fingers still inside her belly button. Before I could remove it, she asked me, you into belly buttons then? I was mortified. Thankfully, everyone thought it was hilarious and now me and his sister get on like a house on fire. We make lots of jokes about it now and sometimes when we greet each other and one of us is wearing a crop top, we'll put our finger inside the other's belly button and leave it

Starting point is 00:01:27 there for a few seconds I think that's absolutely hilarious Leah thank you so much for sharing that with us and oh my god what a great accidental icebreaker I feel like that immediately gets rid of probably not on your part like obviously you were embarrassed but I feel like it just instantly breaks the ice stops making things uncomfortable you don't get that awkward like this is my girlfriend this is my sister kind of thing it's like straight in there and in your case it worked out really really well so thank you so much for sending in that hilarious story to kick off this episode. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support, and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes

Starting point is 00:02:16 that'll provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life. You are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit, there's a special first season dedicated to breakups. You are welcome my friend. Subscribe, review and share with your single friends. So we've got a couple of good questions to dive into today but before we do that I received some lovely feedback in the contribute form and I wanted to share that with you as well

Starting point is 00:02:58 because I know it might not seem like a bit like a massive deal to a lot of people but creating these episodes like running the podcast a lot of work goes into it and it's not like on social media where you create a post you put it out and you get like comments or likes or shares or so you know people are actively engaging in it you can kind of like sense that people are enjoying it and that it's making a difference to people's lives kind of thing like you get that validation you can see that see it's not even about validation but you get that more instant engagement so that you know that it is worthwhile what you're doing because you can see the positive impact it's having on people right and when you create a podcast it's very different because you don't

Starting point is 00:03:51 have that same like back and forth with people like you do on social media now obviously we've got the contribute form so I get your questions I get your queries that's amazing I have people message me on Instagram to say how much they enjoy the episodes but it's also so nice when you take the time to leave me a lovely comment like this because it makes it feel like worthwhile I guess I mean I get a lot of fulfillment from it anyway so from a personal perspective like I love creating these episodes for you but to then have people say oh my god you've helped me so much it like adds to that it's just great so obviously I'm waffling right let's um let me just read this

Starting point is 00:04:33 this is from Sarah you've helped me to be more conscious of my negative thinking in approaching slash experiencing dating and prioritizing my own standards while also relating with people I date with a more open heart and mind I feel a lot more secure and emotionally available to others because I feel I can say when I'm not happy with something rather than hide it my god I love that your openness and advice has really helped me with that process I'm now in a four-month relationship which is going really well oh my god I cannot tell you how nice it is to hear that so congratulations I'm glad that you are enjoying your relationship and the thing that you say here about um the fact that you can actually say when you're not happy about something I cannot tell you

Starting point is 00:05:20 how important that is that me sharing this podcast has helped you with that because I was the person who was terrified of speaking up like I put up with so much shit because I was so scared that if I turned around and said actually that's not okay with me they'd walk out and leave me and it has taken me years to get to the point where I don't care anymore. Like my self-respect is more important than me being abandoned, if you like. So me respecting myself is more important than me being abandoned. So the fact that you're also at that place now where you can speak up openly, I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy to hear that the podcast has helped with that and yeah I wish you all the love and happiness in your relationship so thank you so much for

Starting point is 00:06:12 sharing that right we've just got two questions today so I will dive into them both now the first one what do you think about partners having photos of their exes on their social media or phone should they delete them out of respect for their current partner I've spoken to my boyfriend about how I find it triggering to see photos of him with another woman almost like it diminishes what we have even though it was in the past I know it's silly illogical and that it's his past not mine but I create a story in my head which is almost intrusive and when I see the photos it solidifies my insecurities. For example I know about their history and how he ended it with her because of her addiction issues so I've got this idea in my

Starting point is 00:06:56 head of it being this exciting relationship of highs and lows where he must have really loved her to have stuck around so long to try and help her and feeling like I don't compete with that kind of relationship. There are so many things I want to unpack here. Okay, first of all, the first part, what do I think about partners having photos of their exes on their social media and their phone? own I find this a really tricky one to answer because and then should they delete them out of their respect out of respect for the current partner I still have photos of me and my ex on my social media because I just haven't bothered to delete it and I probably still have photos somewhere of us together I mean we were friends for quite a long time before we became in a relationship so we've got photos from when we were like just friends I don't want to delete those photos I got rid of most things but I've still got some

Starting point is 00:08:01 I don't want to delete those photos because that was such an important time in my life regardless of the fact that they're with him like we made so many memories together and I've got so many moments that I like to keep in my mind not because they were memories with him but because like we traveled the world together we were living in Melbourne and we lived on the farm and lived in Cairns and Honduras Australia like travel to Belize that we did so many things in so many different places but my memory isn't that great as I'm getting older and I want to keep the photos because I want to be able to reflect on those things in the future and it's not because I still love him it's not because I still want to be with him it's not because I'm not over him I like to keep the photos

Starting point is 00:08:51 because they remind me of things that happened that I otherwise probably wouldn't remember and I also I'm somebody that really struggles to let go of things and to throw things away because I'm like but what if I want to look at that in the future and I think if someone said to me if I was dating someone and they said to me you need to delete photos of your ex I'd be like no like because it's my it's my thing, like, it's got nothing to do with you, like, if you're insecure about it, then that's your issue to deal with, I think, but then at the same time, I can understand how triggering it would be, because I used to see photos of my ex with his ex, and'd be like oh my god and it would it would be one of those things especially when I was younger actually when I was younger and wasn't as secure

Starting point is 00:09:51 myself I would like stalk their Facebook profiles and I would go back this was like multiple exes this isn't just one this is like pretty much all of my exes I always wanted to know everything about his exes or their exes I wanted to know like why they split up I wanted to know all the details of their relationship I like stalked their social media to see photos of them together like and then I would obviously drive myself mad because I'd be like but I'm not as pretty as her I'm not as thin as her I'm not as funny as her like I'm not as stylish as her like all the things that we do as women when we aren't securing ourselves I would then torture myself knowing all this information about her so I do understand

Starting point is 00:10:35 how triggering it is and I don't think it's silly it's not silly in the slightest it's not silly it's not illogical like your feelings are valid it is absolutely valid for you to feel that way don't like diminish your feelings or tell yourself that you're being stupid you're not if that's how you feel that feel that's how you feel you're allowed to feel that way the part here we said um you create a story in your head which is almost intrusive and when i see photos it solidifies my insecurities. Two things here, you know that it's a story you're creating in your head which is a good thing because that self-awareness means that you can talk yourself out of that story, it means that you can remind

Starting point is 00:11:18 yourself like this is a story, this isn't true, I'm making making this up I'm choosing another story you have control about that because of your self-awareness around the fact that it's creating a story and then um when you see the photos it solidifies your insecurities I wonder if you could even ask him I don't this is me like not thinking this advice through at all but I wonder if you could even say like I actually find it quite triggering to see those photos on your phone could you put them into a different album so that they're not staring me in the face all the time like could you put them into hidden photos or something like that so that you don't see them there I mean you'll still obviously know that they're there and the same with social media like I don't think he necessarily needs to keep the photos on social

Starting point is 00:12:12 media like as I said I've still got my ex in my profile photos because I just haven't bothered like I don't use Facebook enough to go on there and take them off I don't I don't know if he necessarily needs to keep photos of him and his ex on the social media but on the phone if he wants to keep them because they signify that time in his life then maybe ask him to move them to a different folder I feel like the where you say you feel like it diminishes what you have now I would work on changing that story so work on changing the idea that what he had in the past is affecting your future because that's not the case like he ended the relationship because he didn't want it anymore and I think obviously he wanted to obviously wanted to help her obviously he

Starting point is 00:13:08 loved her and that's great but then he reached a point where he couldn't do that anymore and he made the decision to move on if he had still wanted to be with her he wouldn't have ended the relationship and he wouldn't be with you now and I think the where it said where you said um this exciting relationship of highs and lows I think maybe that needs to be reframed in your mind because I don't think it's exciting highs and lows I think it was probably more of a traumatic roller coaster as opposed to an exciting roller coaster and I also think that the older we get we don't want that relationship that's full of ups and downs and I'm sure he probably feels the same I'm sure he is much

Starting point is 00:13:59 happier in a steady relationship as opposed to something where he's not going to know where he stands where he's not going to know what's going on where he's not going to know what the mood's going to be where he's not going to know whether he needs to save someone like if he wanted to still be in the other relationship he'd still be in the other relationship right he's with you i think the best things that you can do for yourself around this do speak to him again and just see if there's a way that you can both compromise so that he still feels like he can have his memories without it causing without it triggering you in that way and I think controlling the thing that we can control which is always ourselves I would work on your insecurities look at the stories that it's telling you and rewrite those

Starting point is 00:14:53 stories so I have a process that I call the switch your story process it's like four steps I've probably talked about it on here before it's one of the exercises that's in the confidence course. But the first part of it is to uncover the story that you're telling yourself. So literally get a pen and paper, write down all the things you're telling yourself about this scenario, write everything out. And then once you've got all the stories written out, write them into the complete opposite. So that's step two is rewriting them. So it's rewriting all these stories into the opposite because they are just stories and you get to change them. You get to switch your story at any time. Then the third layer is preventing the story. So preventing these intrusive, triggering thoughts. And you do that by working on

Starting point is 00:15:43 your confidence daily. So whether it's working on your confidence daily so whether it's working on your mindset daily or doing a practical action like making sure you do your hair and makeup or in this scenario making sure you have plenty of quality time together where you don't feel insecure about his past whatever that is it's the the prevention stage and then step four is reprogramming your mindset by repeating more positive mantras to yourself or positive affirmations or positive stories so it could be something along the lines of i am so secure in who i am i love myself for who i am i am an amazing partner whatever it is you need to repeat regularly to stop yourself feeling insecure about his past so we went a lot deeper than I anticipated for us to go with that question I hope it was helpful please do go back to the contribute form if you want to

Starting point is 00:16:37 follow up maybe one day we will do that thing where I do it so that you can send me voice notes that would be really cool wouldn't it um so that you can actually voice note your questions in so that it's yeah easy to reply but anyway I hope that that was helpful now our second question how do you stop yourself from future faking and keep things easy breezy now I know future faking is something that I encourage you not to do but I am like queen of the future fake like I shit you not I was on hinge the other day and I stumbled across this guy's profile and instantly I was like he's the one this is what we're gonna do we're gonna have our life like this and this is the dates we're gonna go on and this is what our life is gonna be like and I can't help it but I just it's like I see a photo of someone and then I

Starting point is 00:17:28 instantly can project this like 10 year vision in my mind around how that's going to work out and this is probably a bad thing but this is how I like choose whether I want to match with someone or not it's almost like I make this decision around the type of person they are before I like just from reading their profile which is not a good thing to do like I know it's not a good thing to do but it's just who I am and I can't actually help it it's something that I'm definitely trying to work on but I think I think sometimes we can't help future faking with someone especially if the dates are going well but I think I think sometimes we can't help future faking with someone especially if the dates are going well but I think the most important thing is you having the awareness that that is something you do because then when you are having these um I don't know how you how

Starting point is 00:18:21 to describe it like delusions or these like future faking scenarios in your mind. Like when you're going through those moments, you can rein yourself back in and be like, I know what I'm doing right now. Like I'm gonna, like this is just me projecting what I want to happen. This isn't necessarily how things are going to play out bring yourself back down to earth a little bit and go back to that like more realistic state I think in some ways a future faking is nice like it's good it gives us hope it gets us into that like excitable energy like it makes us feel good it's better than the alternative which is like convincing yourself that every man's a dickhead and you're never gonna find love and dating so hard and all that kind of stuff I talked about

Starting point is 00:19:13 in one of the earlier episodes like the mindset shifts you need to make when you're dating I'll link that episode in the show notes because I think it's quite toxic to have that um have those thoughts that everything's gonna go wrong but I think honestly like I think just having the self-awareness and then whenever you're going into those moments where you are future faking reminding yourself that's what you're doing just to bring yourself back down a little bit. When it comes to keeping things easy breezy, I would say if you are someone that's impulsive and if you're someone who's, who does get a bit excitable, like I've got ADHD, I'm actually going for the official assessment in a couple of weeks, which has only taken like 18 months to get, so I'm really excited about that. But as someone with ADHD, like I am very impulsive and I can also act from a like anxious space. Not so much now, but definitely when I first started dating.

Starting point is 00:20:14 So in my mind, it's almost like I want to manipulate a situation, if you like. So I'll impulsively send a message or I'll if I'm feeling a certain way I did this with the guy that I dated last year I remember messaging him like a big long message to say that I was feeling insecure about something I can't even remember what it was now it was the delusional guy that I talked about last year but I remember feeling a certain way and literally like pouring out to him how I was feeling about like my fear of rejection and feeling insecure and this is uncertain because it's new to me and I think that is the opposite of easy breezy. I also believe there's a fine line between being open and honest with someone and giving too much away too soon. Like, I think when you're in a longer term relationship, if that's how you're feeling, absolutely express those feelings if you've been dating someone for a month two

Starting point is 00:21:27 months absolutely express those feelings I did that with a guy that I was dating at the start of the year when I weren't happy with things I would explain the story that I was telling myself I would explain the narrative that was going on and I would almost like process out loud to him because we we'd been seeing someone a considerable amount of time but if you've only been on like four five six dates and you then send them like paragraphs of messages with like how you're feeling or what's what story you're telling yourself or your fears or your insecurities I think that's really off-putting for someone I know that I would be really off-put

Starting point is 00:22:05 by that so I think instead of instead of doing those things you have to train yourself to do the complete opposite so if you want to message them a paragraph about how you're feeling and why you're insecure and you're being vulnerable or if you want to dive straight in and like tell them how into them you are because you really want them to tell you like to say it back to you and you don't want to wait for them to say it naturally you have to stop yourself and I know it's very hard but message your friend instead come to the confident af or the loved up membership and message us in the group there like send the message to yourself get it off of your chest but just don't send it to that

Starting point is 00:22:47 person because that's not easy breezy I think that takes a bit of I think it's a bit about having self-awareness and then self-control and knowing that the impulsivity is likely going to lead to you feeling bad about yourself down the line and we don't want that to happen. I guess that's my kind of like roundabout answer and I think ultimately it does come down to you feeling secure in yourself, to you feeling confident in yourself, to you not being anxious. I've got an episode coming up, I don't know whether it's going to be next week or the week after but it's how to overcome anxious attachment when dating someone new so that's going to be really helpful for you to go back to that easy breeziness so I really hope that this

Starting point is 00:23:31 episode was helpful I hope that those answers were helpful as I said you can contribute your own questions to the date with confidence podcast by going to datewithconfidencepodcast.com slash contribute you can follow up to the questions that I've shared. You can leave me your lovely feedback because that's always nice. You can even share your own dating tips, share your dating stories. Like that would be great.

Starting point is 00:23:55 I love hearing other people's dating stories. So if you've got a funny dating story to tell, come drop that in the contribute form. Thank you so much for listening and I will see you in the next one. Thanks so much for listening to the Date With Confidence podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode.

Starting point is 00:24:11 Subscribe, rate and review and share it with your single friends. Thank you.

The Date with Confidence Podcast - Dating Advice: Should He Delete Photos Of His Ex?

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