The Date with Confidence Podcast - Dating Advice: When's The Best Time to Discuss a Fetish With Someone You're Dating?

Episode Date: February 15, 2024

EPISODE 32: Dating Advice: When's The Best Time to Discuss a Fetish With Someone You're Dating?When’s the right time to discuss your kinks with someone you’re dating?Did she know who I was when sh...e messaged me?And what should I do if my ex friend’s ex boyfriend swipes right on me?This episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast is dedicated to you, your questions and your dating stories. I’m sharing my advice and also discussing why having a unique fetish is nothing to be ashamed of.Here’s a glimpse at what we cover:1. Community Episode Kickoff: Every second Thursday of the month is now dedicated to YOU. Your questions and stories are at the heart of these community episodes, making it an engaging space for everyone.2. Navigating Fetishes in Dating: A listener bravely shares concerns about having a particularly niche fetish and seeks advice on when and how to discuss it with potential partners. I emphasise the importance of confidence and open communication when dating and share two different approaches to broaching the topic.3. Confusing Dating Scenario: We unpack a question left on The Date with Confidence Podcast YouTube channel and try to solve the mystery of what the listener should do next.4. Dating App Dilemma: Would you match with an ex friend’s ex boyfriend? I’m sharing how I reacted in this situation and what I’d recommend doing if you find yourself in the same one. 5. Hilarious Dating Escape: A lighthearted dating story is shared, recounting the amusing experience of running away from a date who expected a kiss. We all know how much I relate to this one! Thank you to everyone who contributed to this episode and remember, your dating experiences and questions are valued here. If you want to be part of the next community episode, visit https://datewithconfidencepodcast.com/contribute.Until next time, happy dating!Episodes mentioned:The Near Perfect Date That Became a Hilarious NightmareGet Involved!You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.  ResourcesThe Breakup Bounce BackThe Confidence KitThe Confidence CourseVisit The Date with Confidence website here. Subscribe to our YouTube channel.Follow The Date with Confidence Podcast on Instagram + follow your host Rebecca Hawkes here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome back to the Date With Confidence podcast. We have got our very first, is it our first? I mean we have done a Q&A before, but we have got our first official community episode. So from now on every second Thursday of the month is dedicated to you, the listener. It is dedicated to your dilemmas, your questions, your stories, your feedback on the podcast, anything you have shared with me in the contribute form which you can go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com slash contribute if you would like to get involved with the pod and appear in the next episode. So every single month, second Thursday of the month, this episode is all about you. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support,
Starting point is 00:00:52 and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that'll provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life. You are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups, you are welcome my friend. Subscribe subscribe review and share with your single friends
Starting point is 00:01:29 so we've got a few juicy questions to go through and we've got a dating short story to share as well so i'm just gonna get stuck right in i'm so excited to be actually doing this episode ever since i started the date with confidence podcast I knew that I wanted to grow it into more of a community podcast I knew I wanted to get you involved I wanted you to join in with the pod as well and alongside the obviously valuable episodes that I share in terms of how to date with confidence I wanted to build a community around it so the fact that we're actually recording this now is massive so if you have submitted your questions or if you have submitted a story if you've been involved in whatever way I just want to say a massive thank you to you because it really does
Starting point is 00:02:15 and really has made my day every time I've seen the email come through with new notifications saying that somebody has submitted something to that form or saying that someone has yeah filled out that form it has has really made my day because it just shows that I'm not talking I'm not just talking to myself so thank you very much continue to do so and we will have so many more of these episodes in the future okay question number one all the questions here were submitted anonymously if you want to share your name, you absolutely can, that's fine, it's entirely up to you, but you don't have to and I want to put that in there as well because sometimes I feel like people have questions
Starting point is 00:02:55 or they need advice on something but because they think they've got to tell people who they are, they don't ask for that support and I want to make this as supportive as possible so you don't have to share your name you don't have to reveal who you are it's absolutely fine right question one I have a belly button fetish and I'm not sure how to introduce it when dating I'm aware some people don't like belly buttons so I'm scared I'll meet someone I like but they can't get past the belly buttons I can't control my desire for belly buttons so what can I do to be forward about it I find it an embarrassing fetish to have because liking a belly button is very niche I'd appreciate any advice I love your podcast oh thank you so much um I love I love the fact that you love the podcast so first of all I want to say is fetishes are nothing to be ashamed of. They are nothing to be embarrassed
Starting point is 00:03:45 about or to want to hide. I think fetishes are quite, like some fetishes are quite niche and I don't want you to feel ashamed that this is something that you have. I guarantee you that when people start listening to this episode, will be people listening going oh my god I have the exact same thing I love belly buttons as well so please don't feel ashamed or embarrassed about this fetish it's perfectly normal to have these types of fetishes and whilst it marks might be niche that doesn't mean that you're the only one that feels that way so please don't feel ashamed you have got nothing to feel ashamed about now when it comes to talking about this when you're dating I feel like there are two ways you could
Starting point is 00:04:29 go first of all you could go down the direct jump in tell people straight away route which for some people that would be fine for others it may not me personally I was chatting with this guy and actually I think it's the I know what I deserve now episode I was chatting to him and within the first few messages he was very upfront about the fact that he wanted to explore sexually and there are a few kinks that he wanted to try one of them being the whole hot wife thing which is essentially where you watch your partner or you um yeah you watch your partner with other men typically in this scenario where you watch your partner with other men she's allowed to hook up with other people she's allowed to have sex with multiple other people at the time and you get off
Starting point is 00:05:16 on watching that or a slightly different version of that and bearing in mind i'm not well versed in all this so this is just my understanding of the research that I did based on talking to this guy um is cuckolding which I think is a very similar thing except it's more of a kink that focuses on the what is the word that I'm looking for humiliation of the man so it's humiliating to him for his wife to be having sex with other people as opposed to a hot wife where it's a more of a the man's in control giving his wife to other men kind of thing so that was obviously very niche and within a few messages of talking to this guy he was pretty upfront straight away now being on the receiving end of that I liked to hear that up front because then I could make my decision quite early on before I'd invested too much time with this person
Starting point is 00:06:11 to decide whether that was something that I was open to exploring or whether I was comfortable being with someone who had those fetishes so you could just start the conversation not right at the very start start the conversation I right at the very start start the conversation I don't mean be like hi my name's so and so by the way I have a belly button fetish but you can when you realize that you are building a bit of a connection with someone you can bring it into the conversation and you don't have to be like oh by the way this is my fetish but you can say to them do you have any kinks is there anything that you particularly enjoy are there any fetishes that you have that are important to you in a relationship going forward and that can open up the conversation
Starting point is 00:06:51 so that you can bring up your fetish if that's something that is important to you in a partner the other route to go down would be to obviously wait until you are very comfortable with someone where you trust someone where you've maybe been on multiple dates with them and you have that maybe you've talked about sex before maybe you've slept with them already and you want to take the sex to the next level and you want to introduce this fetish as well they're two very different you can either be right immediately up front or wait until you're in that environment of trust and I think that will depend on your own confidence within your fetish so if you know that you will feel judged if somebody doesn't like your fetish or doesn't understand it or laughs at you if you
Starting point is 00:07:47 know that that's going to impact you in a negative way then I would perhaps wait until I've built some trust with someone whereas if you are confident enough in yourself and you can own your desires and you can say to yourself no matter what anyone else thinks of this fetish that I have, I know who I am, I own what I like, and I know that I'm allowed to desire what I desire, and you get rid of any shame around that, then open it up relatively quickly. I think the most important thing to understand is some people will absolutely get it. You will get people that will get it, that will have their own fetishes, that will be into things that other people might find bizarre and you will also have people who will not understand at all and will not be willing to understand and the people that
Starting point is 00:08:39 don't understand or aren't willing to understand then that's not a reflection on you and what you like, that is a reflection on them and their perhaps small-mindedness. So I don't want you to, however, how do I want to say this? Do what you can to build your confidence and your comfortability in yourself so that no matter how anyone else responds you don't you're not made to feel ashamed because as I said you've got nothing to feel ashamed of in any way shape or form and also in that same note what I would say is if you are on the dating apps then you could perhaps try a dating app like field f-e-e-l-d because that's a bit more of an open community where people will openly talk about their fetishes fetishes and they will put it in their bios and they will say the things that
Starting point is 00:09:33 they like very specifically and i quite like i've been on the app for a little while now and i quite like seeing how open people are because then straight off the bat you're matching with someone and you can see that they're more open-minded and even if they don't understand or have the same fetish as you they are more likely to be open-minded to different styles of sex or to different um different kinks within sex so perhaps try that area as well but never feel ashamed for something that you desire I think the reason that people laugh at other people's kinks is because they don't understand it and when people don't understand something or it's alien to them or they feel a bit uncomfortable the the typical human response is to laugh or to take the piss
Starting point is 00:10:22 because they that's how they process that's that's how they process the fact that they feel perhaps a bit silly or perhaps a bit unintelligent around something the easiest thing to do is to take the piss out of something that you don't understand so don't feel like that's a reflection on you you're allowed to desire what you desire I guarantee that belly buttons is probably one of the lowest abnormal I say abnormal it's not abnormal that's not the word that I want to use it's probably one of the softer kinks out there so I yeah please don't feel ashamed about it go out there find someone who loves belly buttons just as much as you do or even if they don't love them then is willing to accept your fetish but also I want to say don't
Starting point is 00:11:13 settle for somebody who shames or won't allow you to embrace this fetish because they're not your person your person accepts you for exactly who you are for everything that you love for everything that you desire I hope that was helpful and if you want to write in and tell me whether it was helpful or not then go back to the contribute form and there's a feedback section on there so if this has been helpful I would obviously love to hear from you as well there we go right question two this is quite a long-winded question this was left on my youtube channel if you don't know the date of confidence podcast has got a youtube channel where I'm uploading all the episodes if you'd like to subscribe over there that would be amazing because we're growing the community over there as well um this was left on
Starting point is 00:11:53 a recent video and it's quite long-winded right it starts with do you think she knew who I was when she texted me via her private number or do you think she texted without checking who it was without realizing that it was without realising that it was my number? For context, I came across her at a bus stop and I asked her for her number. I'm not her client but she gave me her work mobile number, not her private number. I didn't realise this until yesterday. I've sent her a happy new year text to the work number and I even called this work number and spoke to her. All of this time it seemed to me that that was her number. I thought she only had one. However yesterday when I gave a call she no longer had that work phone. Someone else was now carrying that work number and yesterday I gave a call to
Starting point is 00:12:35 her work mobile. Her colleague picked up. I asked for her. The colleague said that she was not in the office so I asked for her number instead but the colleague hesitated to give out her private number. The colleague did not ask for my name therefore this perhaps means that previously the girl has saved my name and number in her work phone. The girl in question, the one that they met at the bus stop, texted me after 10 minutes not from the work mobile but from her private number. This is the first time I realized that she had another number previously I thought she didn't have another number I thought it was just her work number her texts were saying you gave a call to xyz company hotline which was the mobile number she'd previously given me and my colleague said you were looking for me how can I
Starting point is 00:13:20 help you she did not write my name in her text but I have a feeling she knew that it was me because will a girl call me from her private number to some unknown person who called the work mobile? I would say honestly either she genuinely doesn't know who you are and for whatever reason she thinks that you are somebody she's perhaps spoke to in the past about business and that's why she said how can I help you or maybe she did know it was you but she's maybe not interested in a romantic connection or she thought that it was just a business related phone call and that's why she didn't use the name of the text so I think this is confusing because I'm not sure what the ultimate answer is that you're looking for I don't know what
Starting point is 00:14:04 you what outcome you wanted from the situation I'm assuming that you're looking for I don't know what you what outcome you wanted from the situation I'm assuming that you're into her and you wanted to meet up so in that case I would just remind her who you are how you met and say to her look I was looking forward to getting to know you more I didn't realize it was your work number and then continue the conversation from there and just be honest with her and be like oh I didn't realize it was a work number that you had before but I'm messaging you because I'd like to get to know you some more or I'd like to take you out on a date. And then go from there. I think open communication is how you're going to get to the bottom of this.
Starting point is 00:14:33 Maybe she knew it was you, maybe she didn't. Either way, I think just stating your intentions for messaging her will help to clear up any confusion there. Okay, the next question that we have, my ex-friend's ex-boyfriend liked me on dating apps twice. When I was at school, I was in a group of friends and one of them met her boyfriend who was a few years older than her. We drifted apart, but from what I'm aware, they were together for more than a decade. I was on Bumble recently and noticed that her ex-boyfriend, I know he's an ex because I looked her up on social media, liked my profile.
Starting point is 00:15:11 I ignored it because I thought maybe he didn't remember me and he wasn't my type anyway. But then when I went on to Tinder a few days later, he liked my profile there too. Do you think he remembers it's me or do you think he was just swiping like they all do should I give him a chance or would it be weird so funny I've had this happen to me before where people from my past have liked me and I I'm like do you actually
Starting point is 00:15:36 know that it's me because if you know that it's me why have you not just messaged me on Facebook or are you just swiping and you've just forgotten that we know each other I think either way whether he remembers you or not it's not important as such especially if you've already said that he's not your type should I give him a chance or would it be weird I think if he's not your type and you already know that he's not your type and he's not something somebody that you would date then you don't need to give worry about giving him a chance just don't match with him and just move on if he is somebody that you think maybe he is your type I mean how long ago was it that you stopped talking to your friend if it was if it depends how close of friends you were if you were
Starting point is 00:16:21 like best best friends and you knew the couple really well and you would get involved with them like maybe you'd go on double dates or you'd all hang out together or you knew them and their relationship I think like it might be a bit weird and it might be a bit uncomfortable for the friend regardless of whether they're an ex or not like an ex friend or not but I think if you were never really involved in their relationship you only met him once or twice it's been a long time since you split up with a friend and you feel like you like him or you could like him then why not like why not give him a chance life's too short to worry about the right and wrong answers go for it but I mean you've already said he's not your type so I
Starting point is 00:17:05 would say if he's not your type then why waste your time just because he's somebody that you knew in the past if that makes sense so if he's not your type he's not your type don't worry about it but if you want to go there go there which is the most ambiguous answer anyway if it was me personally when people from my past or people that I've known in the past have liked me on dating apps I don't match unless it's somebody that I've maybe fancied before then I probably would have done but I've had this a few times where people have have liked me from the past and I'm like no I could no that was then this is now absolutely not I'm not interested okay on to I had a dating story this is a very
Starting point is 00:17:46 brief dating story but someone messaged me on social media when I was asking about your dating horror stories or your funny dating stories and I had this one I once ran away from a guy after a first date down the stairs towards the tube because he was expecting a kiss and to be honest I wasn't feeling it at all. So I quickly said goodbye and legged it instead of standing there awkwardly. I relate to this so much. If you listen to the near perfect date episode, you will know that I rushed to the train station as well, because I wanted to get out of that date as quickly as possible and I must have been walking pretty fast because the the day even said to me he was like oh you walk really quickly and I was like yeah I'm trying to get away from you trying to get away from you as quickly as possible so that that really
Starting point is 00:18:38 made me laugh so that is it for this community episode of the date with confidence podcast to those of you that submitted questions i do very much appreciate it and those of you that shared your stories it is as i said i made my freaking day to hear from you and i would love you to continue contributing to the date with confidence podcast just go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com contribute the links in the show notes anyway get yourself involved and this time next month I could be reading reading out your dilemma could be answering your question or sharing your dating story thank you so much for listening and I'll see you in the next one thanks so much for listening to the date with confidence podcast I
Starting point is 00:19:21 hope you've enjoyed this episode subscribe rate and review and share it with your single friends Bye.

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