The Date with Confidence Podcast - Dating Someone New? Expect This To Happen

Starting point is 00:00:00 I did not expect this to happen when I started dating someone new and it's been a bit of a shock to me over the last few weeks some of the things that have actually been coming up since I started dating this guy in January so I thought I'd do a quick little episode on that what's been going on what I didn't expect so that hopefully when you start seeing someone new or when you enter a new relationship or things start going well with someone that you're dating you are not as shocked as I am. Let's go. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes

Starting point is 00:00:49 that'll provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life, you are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come and if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups you are welcome my friend subscribe review and share with your single friends so I started dating this guy in January and before that I'd been single for like long term for over four years and I'd been actively dating for about two years on and off taking breaks in between and then I had a big period over the summer kind of autumn last year where I went on a load of first dates and I felt like in all the time that I was single, in all the time after

Starting point is 00:01:49 the last breakup, I had done a shit ton of work on myself and I had done a shit, it's not like I felt like I had done a shit ton of work, I had done a shit ton of work on myself. I had released a lot of the past, I'd been doing breath work for a year to really shift all the trauma and the pain and the heartbreak from my body. I'd done all the things, I'd had one-to-one coaching for six months with my mindset coach I've worked with on and off the past three, four years. Anyway, I did all the things to help me get over that relationship and really process it, really process the relationship itself, but then process the breakup. Because one mistake I made in my twenties is when I went through a really traumatic breakup at 21, I didn't actually deal with it very well. My response and the way that I handled things was to just get drunk a lot really and then leave the country I essentially ran away from my problems thinking that if I

Starting point is 00:02:53 moved to Thailand by myself then I would I wouldn't be dealing with the same emotional fallout from that relationship and obviously I was incredibly wrong but that's how I dealt with things alcohol running away so when this last breakup happened when I was 28 so yeah before it was four and a bit years ago so just before I turned 29 I threw myself in to healing myself to processing that relationship to processing the breakup so that when it came to dating again and even though I was in absolutely zero rush to date again I knew that by the time I started dating again I wanted to be healed I naively thought that I would be completely and utterly healed and I would enter a new relationship completely fresh no trauma sticking around like no bad patterns no fears no worries no what-ifs no nothing I'd be able to enter a brand new relationship

Starting point is 00:03:53 completely trusting 100% confident which we know is a lie because 100% confidence doesn't actually exist but I would just be able to enter things from a new fresh place without any of my past coming into it however this year was has been the first time that I've been dating someone ongoing so it's been a couple of months now although I haven't actually seen him for the last three weeks but it's been ongoing for the last for the last couple of months since January since our first date and so many things so many triggers so many memories so many moments from my past relationship have come up since I've been dating this guy and I did not expect it at all because I thought that I'd left the past in the past I thought I'd moved on and it wasn't until the other day when I was watching I think it was on Instagram actually I saw it and there was a

Starting point is 00:05:01 reel on there let me just find the reel because it was really poignant and I was like, okay, like this makes so much sense. I wasn't expecting this, but now you've said it, it's actually made me feel better because I've been thinking about and dreaming about my ex a lot recently. Not because I miss him, not because I want to be with him not because I'm not over the breakup but so many thoughts of him have come up and it really shocked me and then I saw this real on Instagram and it said my therapist said that once you're experiencing a healthy relationship it's normal for sadness hurt and anger about a previous one to resurface because you're coming face to face with what you were missing out on and you need to give yourself permission to grieve that without feeling like

Starting point is 00:05:50 you're stuck or unable to move on and this was scarlet long street is the instagram handle if you want to go and see that but it made so much sense to me i was like oh my god I I'd almost been feeling a little bit guilty that I was enjoying this new these new moments with this new guy and I was enjoying getting to know him I'm enjoying his company I'm enjoying the way that things are unfolding but then there was that massive part of me that felt so guilty because all these memories of my ex kept coming up and I've been dreaming about my ex a lot and I've been dreaming about my ex's family a lot and I'm just like what the fuck is going on like why am I thinking back to these moments in the past and it's because I'm finally experiencing things that I wished and hoped

Starting point is 00:06:49 and desperately wanted my ex to do as part of the relationship that I desired and it never happened so there's almost this part of me that has still got some grief stuck from the ending of that relationship. And that would never have come to light until I started entertaining the idea of a relationship with someone new, with someone different. And it really shocked me and I wasn't prepared for it. And I found it a little bit hard, to be honest. I found it tricky to know how to deal with it and to not feel guilty about it and when these memories and moments and dreams come up about my ex puts me in a really shitty mood like it can leave me feeling really emotional it can leave me feeling really down really low really sad almost like bringing

Starting point is 00:07:44 up the same feelings of the heartbreak just on a lower scale than what I experienced at the time of actually going through the breakup. And that in itself is heavy. That feels heavy to have to deal with. So I'm really trying to be kind to myself, to accept these feelings. And one thing that I have to constantly remind myself is that I don't want what I had with my ex. I don't want what I had with my ex. I definitely don't want my ex. I don't want that past. And it's almost like I have to reconvince myself that I am absolutely better off without him. And reassure myself that that is not a relationship that I want to be in or that I deserve to be in anymore.

Starting point is 00:08:33 So repeatedly telling myself those things. And it's also interesting, on a slightly different note, the way that the new things, or the way that the new things or the way that the how can I don't know how to explain this so for example this weekend the guy that I'm seeing has gone to stay with friends and I was absolutely fine with that like I don't care what you do like I have a social life you have a social life amazing he's gone to stay with friends and it wasn't until he was there that past memories from my past relationship like I felt triggered from my past relationship because whenever my ex would go and stay with friends whenever we would be apart because we did long distance for quite a while even whenever he go on nights out like I didn't trust him at all in the slightest I was like pretty convinced that he would get really drunk he would hook up with someone or he would flirt with someone

Starting point is 00:09:34 or he would just not give a fuck about me and our relationship and when this guy was going away for the weekend he the way that he behaved for a start was completely different he messaged me on the Friday night saying that he'd check in with me as and when he could he messaged me on the Saturday morning when he got to his friends to say I've just got here I'm going to charge my phone but I'll message you in a couple of hours lo and behold a few hours later he messaged me to say that he was having a really good time and how was my day and continued messaging a couple of times that night and then this morning he got up and messaged me to say that he'd had a really good night and this is what they were doing and we've been in contact and at no point have I got any reason to think that he is there hooking up with someone else like that's

Starting point is 00:10:25 just not the vibe that I get and I knowing who I've got to know over the past few months I don't think he's that sort of person but there was this flicker of doubt in my mind that when what if there's another single girl there and he ends up sharing a bed with them and he ends up sleeping with them just like your ex probably would have done. And I had to reassure myself again, and say, he is not your ex, he is not your ex, he is not your ex. And I find that that's the best thing that gets me through those moments where I relive my past relationship, or I the behaviors of my ex to this current guy that I'm seeing without meaning to I have to constantly remind myself he's not your ex he's not your ex he's not your ex so I think it's completely normal when you do start seeing someone new

Starting point is 00:11:24 or when things are going well with someone that's treating you really well I think it's completely normal for you to have those moments of hurt and of sadness and of um upset about your previous relationship and those memories coming back from your previous relationship especially as I don't know about you but being single for so long there's so many aspects of a relationship that I forgot existed so things like your little in jokes things like forehead kisses in the morning like I love I like I absolutely love it and the guy that I'm dating does this when he gets up for work in the morning and leaves me in bed he kisses me on the head now most of the time he thinks I'm asleep

Starting point is 00:12:12 most of the time I'm awake and I feel it and I know it's happened and tiny little things like that you don't experience that anywhere other than when you're in a relationship and I forgot about things like that actually existing and actually being a thing and I forgot how much tiny little gestures like that bring me so much joy and make me feel so special so when things like that happen and when you're reminded of all the wonderful things that can come from being within a relationship with someone it's so natural for you to then reflect back on your past relationships and then think about your exes more. So if you're like me and feel guilty for that or feel ashamed for thinking about back to the past, like don't, it's completely natural to do that it's okay but instead of focusing and over analyzing and obsessing over those past moments acknowledge them let them go and then choose to focus your attention

Starting point is 00:13:16 on this new scenario on this new relationship or whatever's going on that is what i've been doing personally and it has really been helping me so i hope that this was helpful for you if this has been helpful or if you've got any questions that you want to follow up with then don't forget that you can contribute to the date with confidence podcast just go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com contribute and don't forget that on mondays mondays are our loved up days so if you're not inside the loved up membership yet and you really want some support with your dating life over the next six or twelve months then join the loved up membership you can currently join at the founders rate until the 12th of april so it's a super affordable accessible way for you to come and receive

Starting point is 00:14:07 confidence coaching from me on a weekly basis so that you can date with confidence build better boundaries so that you can navigate these new relationships if you're getting into a relationship so that you can find support if you don't know how to respond to someone, if you've been ghosted, if you're doubting yourself, if you're feeling low, wherever it is, Loved Up is the place to be. And if you want an even greater level of support, then you can also check out Level Up In Love. The resources are there for you in the show notes. Go and check them out. And I will see you in the next one thanks so much for

Starting point is 00:14:46 listening to the date with confidence podcast I hope you've enjoyed this episode subscribe rate and review and share it with your single friends Thank you.

The Date with Confidence Podcast - Dating Someone New? Expect This To Happen

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