The Date with Confidence Podcast - "Do you swipe right if their mate's more attractive?!" Dating Q&A

Starting point is 00:00:00 Whoa, we're going in with a bold question. This is not easing in gently, is it? This is like a big, big question. Okay. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support, and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience

Starting point is 00:00:20 wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that'll provide you with easy-to-implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life, you are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit, there's a special first season dedicated to breakups. You are welcome, my friend. Subscribe,

Starting point is 00:00:51 review and share with your single friends. Hi friends, and welcome back to the Date With Confidence podcast. I'm feeling very excited about this episode because this is a Q&A episode so I put up a poll in my stories on Instagram and said that I really wanted to do a dating Q&A and I was like you can ask me anything you can ask me anything personal it can be like a burning question you've got about dating it can be my opinion on something and I've had some really good questions I haven't read through them all but I've got them in my notes app because I was questions I haven't read through them all but I've got them in my notes app because I was like I don't want to focus too much on the questions before I record the podcast because I wanted my answer to be very like authentic and in the moment

Starting point is 00:01:35 rather than like a let me plan the perfect answer kind of thing so I've got some really good questions that I'm going to answer for you and I would love to get into doing more of these kind of episodes because I love listening to this type of stuff so if you have a question that you would like me to answer on the pod then you can send me a message on Instagram I'm at Rebecca Lucy H or you can send me an email hello at Rebeccabeccalucyh.com or I might even put a form in the show notes that you can just go and put your question in there it can be completely anonymous so you don't have to worry about um being like having your name read out or if it's something really embarrassing or something really personal you want to ask then that's absolutely fine we can do that without you needing to reveal your identity I'm not showing the identity of the people that have asked me

Starting point is 00:02:30 these questions either because again I think it builds a bit more of a like safe space if um if we don't read out names so let's get into it also can I just say before we continue this is the first Q&A type episode I've ever done so I don't know how it's gonna go. I'm like I'm just gonna answer and we'll see but if I ramble on too long then I'm not gonna I'm not even gonna apologize it's who I am it's just it's who I am it's what we do here anyways, let's dive in. So the first question, how do you deal with rejection and turn it into something positive for the next date? Whoa, we're going in with a bold question. This is not easing in gently, is it? This is like a big, big question. Okay. I want to answer this in two parts because rejection is something that I very

Starting point is 00:03:28 much um struggle with it's something that I've always really really struggled with I've always felt quite sensitive I've always wanted to be chosen I take rejection quite personally and I do also believe that this now I have got ADHD now I've got ADHD now I've discovered that it's a probability that I have ADHD ADHD and rejection sensitivity I want to say disorder but I don't even know if that's right they kind of come hand in hand so I know a lot about rejection I know a lot about handling it for me personally I have to handle rejection in almost like two stages. So first of all, the rejection happens and my instant response is feelings of hurt, feelings of sadness, feelings of not being good enough, sometimes, sometimes depending and this very much depends on

Starting point is 00:04:28 where I'm at that day so if I'm having a really good day if my mindset's in the best place if I'm feeling really confident in myself if I'm not on my period or it's not the lead up to my period and I'm feeling really good then typically if rejection happens and I'm not attached to the person or I've not started like fantasizing about future dates or anything then the response will just be like oh well here's loss never mind and that happened when I've been chatting to this guy on one of the dating apps we've been chatting for about three or four weeks. We'd booked a date in like weeks in advance because we were both really busy. I hadn't been on a date in seven years.

Starting point is 00:05:12 And it was a kind of a big deal. It was the first time someone had asked me out because I'd been in a long term relationship, then had a really traumatic breakup. So I kind of, this was the first date that I'd been asked out on and kind of agreed to. And I think it was two days before the day bearing in mind we chatted non-stop in the lead up to it I messaged him it was just like are we still on for Thursday and he didn't respond he like completely ghosted and I was like oh okay cool and in that moment, oh, well, his loss doesn't matter, like, I didn't care, I was like, do you know what, yeah, it's kind of a bit of a bummer, because I'd just got to the point where I felt like I could put myself out there after two and a half years of being single,

Starting point is 00:05:56 and after kind of recovering from this breakup, but at the same time, I was very much, like, in the headspace of, I think I know what I want I know that I deserve more than what I've had before in the past I was just quite in quite a confident state and obviously I've never met this guy so that that's kind of one way that I initially deal with rejection the second way is I am very sensitive to being rejected so if it's someone that I really like if it's someone where I thought I was going somewhere maybe or if I'm in a vulnerable position anyway for example when I got back on I kind of like paused my dating app on and off on and off for about a year and a half and I'd had a big break from the apps because it was just too much I'd lost my dog and just couldn't cope with dating anyone got back on the

Starting point is 00:06:52 app started chatting to this one guy and again we were like back and forth back and forth it was like shit chat it was just like general oh what you doing the weekend oh I'm going here like just just poor chat but then I didn't reply to him for I don't know a day because I was busy and it was shit chat so why would I bother replying quickly and when I looked on the app he'd like unmatched from me and I'd never like that had never happened to me before and I was just a bit like okay I felt quite hurt by it because I was like almost offended. And me and this guy were never going to be anything because of the shit chat. Like I just knew I was like, this is, yeah, this is not my, not my person at all.

Starting point is 00:07:36 But that kind of rejection was upsetting. So in that scenario, I kind of recognize that I'm feeling rejected. I recognize that I'm feeling hurt and upset and I try to understand what's making me feel that way and why it's an issue and in doing that I just kind of bring myself back to back to a place where I can work through the rejection in a healing compassionate way to myself rather than making it mean that there's something wrong with me so instead of going oh they rejected me I'm not pretty, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not enough, full stop. I look at it and go, well, I'm steady in who I am, so this rejection has happened for a reason, like, maybe it was not going to be what my mind thought it was going to be and that's why it ended and that's fine because better is going to

Starting point is 00:08:46 come now I've had this experience but better is out there for me and I am a very firm believer that if something hasn't worked in the past it's because better is meant for you and because better is coming for you so I really try and anchor into that belief so that I don't let it hold me back in the future because I can get very attached to rejections and I can allow it to let me spiral into a really negative state so instead I'm like do you know what better is out there and then I reach for my self-care tools I open up my confidence kit like I immerse myself in the things that I need to do to get me back to feeling amazing so that I don't let this small event really really impact me and I the second part of this question so it was how do you deal

Starting point is 00:09:38 with rejection and turn it into something positive for the next day I reflect on what wasn't good so rather than kind of romanticizing what was amazing I reflect on the things that were perhaps maybe red flags or maybe things that weren't quite there that I was perhaps overlooking and I use that and go okay well the next one's gonna be better and I can remember to look out for these things so that it doesn't happen again I think that's all I want to say on that um the next question is how do you stay consistent on dating apps and honestly my honest answer is I don't I have never been consistent on dating apps I'm not consistent at anything in my life um part of that's ADHD I get bored really easily I don't

Starting point is 00:10:31 like doing the same thing over and over again for me I date when I feel like I am in the place to date which is perhaps a fault slightly um because I will only date when I'm feeling amazing almost like I only deserve to date when I'm feeling really good about myself which is something that I've been working on with my mindset coach and honestly if I need to take a break I need to take a break I had been out of the dating game for years. So I'd been in a five-year relationship. We'd kind of been like seeing each other for seven years, officially together for five years. I hadn't been on any first dates for a very long time

Starting point is 00:11:14 because we'd had the traumatic breakup. I was single for two and a half years before I even opened up the dating apps. And I started with the dating apps, got chatting to a few guys, went on a first date with someone in a kind of like five six week period and then I took a break for six months because I was like no this is too much like I I can't handle this right now took a break for six months opened up the apps

Starting point is 00:11:38 started chatting to a couple of guys went on some more dates those dates were nice but they weren't what I wanted um through no fault of theirs but just weren't matches and then I lost my dog took another break for about four or five months got back on the apps and yeah like chatted to a few people and I think we're gonna leave that there because I'm gonna do another episode on the kind of dates that I have been having recently and they're very nice so that yeah so the answer is I don't stay consistent and I'm not gonna beat myself up for not being consistent on dating apps it's fine it is what it is. Right. Dating apps bore me. How can I make this fun? Oh my God. Me too. I do not enjoy being on dating apps at all. I'm not going to lie. I kind of like the validation you get. So I like the little dopamine hit of like, this guy likes you, this guy likes

Starting point is 00:12:39 you. That's nice. Especially having been single for so long, I haven't had anyone to validate me, I haven't had anyone really pay me attention, because I've been very closed off to anything in a romantic sense, so having that validation of, oh yeah, okay, people are interested in me, is very nice, but then I go on people's profiles, I'm like no you're no you're not what I want um so it bores me as well I hate shit chat as I have mentioned previously a lot of people are just just don't give you anything and I don't have the time for it I don't have the patience for it it's not for me so there will be quite often where I'll start chatting to guys and we'll have a few sentences and it'll be like

Starting point is 00:13:29 what you been up to this weekend where's the next place you want to travel to what do you do for a job and I know it's not it's not for me I and then and I'm not engaged like I'm not I'm not engaged enough in the conversations to find it exciting but then what I will say is this can all change when you match with the right person because someone I don't know how to say this someone I am dating at the moment, our conversations were instantly very deep, very intense, like three or four paragraphs a message, not talking about jobs and where do you want to travel next to next? And it wasn't shit chat. And then it became a bit more interesting because I was like, oh my God, I'm actually connecting with someone. Like this person actually gives a shit about what I want to say. And then it was more fun. So in all honesty, I don't know how you can make it more fun. I would say that there are other ways that you can date

Starting point is 00:14:45 and that you can meet people there are events that you can go to especially if you live in a city like I'm like right on the outskirts of London so there's always lots of single nights or like single events um so you could perhaps try things like that but I would say use the dating apps intentionally and also I'm very specific in my dating profile like my dating profile is really specific and it's very intentional and I created it with the intention of weeding out all the people that I weren't interested in which I mean yeah you still get shit chat but it's very specific around this is what I want like I know what I want I know what I deserve now this is what I'm looking for and I think that helps because then you do match with people who are in a similar way and I've actually got a course

Starting point is 00:15:43 called attract on the apps and it's all about how to write a dating profile that attracts the right people to you which is working out quite well for me right now so you can check that out in the show notes if you want to know how to um just how to create a good dating profile that stands out to people and this is something I've had comments on as well so this is not just me like thinking oh yeah my profile's really good like it's actually been mentioned to me that uh my profile was very appealing and it and it stood out because of um because of what I what I wrote in it um so yeah and you can see exactly what I wrote in it. So yeah, and you can see exactly what I wrote in it in the attracts on the apps course. The next question, are there really some apps

Starting point is 00:16:30 better than others to find relationships? Honestly, I don't know. I have only ever been on Hinge. I specifically avoided Tinder because I wasn't up for casual sex and sleeping around. it wasn't really what I wanted at this point in my life maybe when I was younger I'd have I'd have gone for tinder but I specifically didn't choose that because I know it's a really popular one but from what I've heard it's very much geared towards hookups casual dating it's not particularly serious um there's an app that I don't really like to the sound of

Starting point is 00:17:06 called Thursday where you only match with people on a Thursday with the intention to see them that day I never signed up but I really loved the concept of it and I think that would be a really cool one to go on but at the same time I can also see how that could be quite a hookup kind of app which again there's no shade around like if you just want to hook up and sleep with people like that's great at a certain point in my life that was exactly what I wanted at this point in my life it's not um and I specifically didn't download Bumble because I don't want to be the first one to talk I like it when someone introduces themselves to me so in all honesty I don't know I based on the dates I'm the person that I'm dating at the moment I would recommend hinge because I feel like

Starting point is 00:17:55 I feel like the um connection we've had I feel like you, I essentially feel like I asked for what I wanted. I made it very clear what I wanted in terms of put it out there in the universe. And what has been delivered in this human is everything I wanted and so much more. So, and if I hadn't been on Hinge, then that wouldn't have happened. So I do, I do think that Hinge is a good one, especially because there's lots of prompts and stuff that you can answer. I didn't particularly answer a lot of prompts, but my prompts are things like, what are you looking for? I don't even think it's what you're looking for. I can't remember.

Starting point is 00:18:39 As I said, my exact profile that I've been using, I've put it in the attract on the apps course. So it's in there, but you could be very specific with your answers. You can answer good prompts that allows you to get to know someone. And I don't know whether that's the case on other apps. The next question is who should pay on a first date? Who should pay on a first date? My views on this have very much changed from when I was younger. When I was in my 20s, my early 20s, when I was dating, I expected the date to pay. I

Starting point is 00:19:14 expected the guy to pay. If I'd been asked out on a date, I expected, I expected him to pay. And I still, to a certain extent, I kind of agree with that. I think if they have initiated the date, then I would expect them to pay. And the only exception I would kind of make for this is if we were on the date and I knew that I wasn't going to see them again I knew that they weren't going to be for me and I knew it was very much going to be like a friend zone I'm not going to see you I'll let you down gently kind of thing I would happily agree to pay half and I would happily suggest splitting it because I don't you know when you watch first dates and the guy offers to pay and the girl just sits there and says nothing, waits for the guy to pay and then they get in the room and she's like, yeah, I don't want to see you again. I personally think that's a bit shitty. That's my personal opinion.

Starting point is 00:20:14 I think if you know you're not going to see someone and it's not going to go anywhere, I think allowing them to pay for the whole thing. If you offer and they go, no, no, I've got it, it's fine. That's absolutely okay but if you sit there quietly and you don't offer to pay when you know damn well you're never going to see them again I it doesn't sit right with me it's not it's not my thing um so when I was younger yeah I very much expected the guy to pay and in fact I used to the bill used to come up and I would purposefully go to the toilet so that I kind of just was like okay I hope that he's just gonna pay um but now I feel very different and I also think it's very interesting I went on a date a few months ago and this guy was lovely he was a really great guy he he booked for us to go to this museum in

Starting point is 00:21:07 London, we went to this like interactive museum thing, booked it, paid for the tickets, amazing, had a really nice time, and then we went for dinner afterwards, so we go for dinner, finish eating, and I'm like right, I'm just gonna go to the toilet, come back, and we carry on chatting for a while, and I have every intention of picking up the check for the meal because in my opinion he's paid for the museum I'm gonna pay for the meal I think that's fair we've both been on this date it's like expanded whatever go for dinner and then I'm like okay I need to go home now like let's get ready and he's like okay then come then and I was like well no we've got to pay and he's like oh I've already got it I really liked that. I do appreciate it when a guy pays. But that was like a nice little surprise. But then we didn't end up seeing each other again afterwards because I just, it had been a couple of weeks and whatever.

Starting point is 00:21:53 But then I've also been on dates like at the moment, I feel very comfortable, especially when it's someone that you really connect with. I'm'm I very much want to be an equal partner like yes I don't get me wrong I love it I find it really attractive when a guy pays for stuff and this happened again um the other night like we'd been out I'd bought cinema tickets because it was like a third day I'd bought the cinema tickets he bought us snacks and then we went out for dinner afterwards and I got back to the table and was like ready to split it and he'd already paid and I was like I wasn't expecting it at all because we were kind of in our other dates we've kind of been 50 50 and I like

Starting point is 00:22:36 that I don't want anyone to think that I'm taking advantage or I'm just dating people to get free dates or anything like that and I'm sure that that wouldn't be the case but yeah who should pound first date it's entirely up to you I like it when a guy offers but I would always offer myself I always offer to split it and it's a nice surprise if they're like no no I've got it like that's great and then if I know I'm gonna see them again it's like okay well I'll get drinks next time or sometimes you don't even need to say that like it is what it is the next question do you swipe right this is such a good question do you swipe right if you fancy their mate in the photo. Do you feel like, right, if you fancy their mate in a photo, this is so tricky. And I've, I've like experienced this as well, where I've seen someone's profile

Starting point is 00:23:36 and you know, you see the first photo and you're like, Oh, I really hope their mate is, or I really hope this is the, this the guy's profile and then you scroll down and you realize that it's not it was a friend I personally haven't swiped right if I fancied their mate more because I think it would be really awkward and okay if you go on a date with them and there's not really a connection and you're like I don't know can you hit me up with your mate instead like it just might be quite offensive and it could could potentially really hurt someone's feelings so I just personally never have if you have or you would that's fine um it's not it's not for me because also if you started dating this guy started to get to know him liked him and then met his mate in the flesh and was like actually I fancy his mate that's just putting yourself in a disastrous situation

Starting point is 00:24:30 it's not necessary at all so no um but you do you next question is do you give people your whatsapp number I found this really weird when i first started dating like on the dating apps and guys would ask me for my whatsapp number i'm just a bit like but why do you want my whatsapp number like why do you want to speak to me on whatsapp i and i was new to it so i didn't really know if that was a thing whereas now i kind of like I prefer WhatsApp I hate the app in general it's irritating um I'm happy to chat on WhatsApp although I did change my WhatsApp settings because my WhatsApp had like my website and my social media handles my email address and like my businessy stuff on it and if I'm matching with guys I don't necessarily want them to go and stalk my business before

Starting point is 00:25:27 we've been dating because I feel like and I purposefully as well don't stalk other people's social media because I feel like we can build up our own perceptions of people before we meet them and in doing so I think it can ruin any chance of like a genuine connection because you've already got your perception of what they are like based on what they put online and I don't want that like I don't know I like to meet someone and it'd be very genuine and authentic um but yeah I've I give people my whatsapp number I'm not not fussed about it but I think again it's kind of got to be that's your boundary like if you don't want to give out your number don't give out your number and if they're adamant that they want to speak to you on whatsapp or they're not going

Starting point is 00:26:14 to speak to you anymore then see you later mate you are not a good one that's like got red flags all over it so it's your choice then we have how can you trust someone to set you up on a blind date oh my god I love this how can you trust someone to set you up on a blind date I think if you are going on a blind date with someone or if someone's setting you up on a blind date then typically they are your friend um unless it's someone that you don't know obviously but I'm assuming in this scenario that they are your friend and if they are your true friend they would want you to have a good experience and they wouldn't want you to be in a uncomfortable situation.

Starting point is 00:27:11 They've probably got someone in mind that they would, that they think you would match well with. So really it depends how much you trust the person that's setting you up on a blind date. And also I do think like dating is supposed to be fun. Like surely going on a blind date is a lot more fun than matching with someone on an app. I think that I would look at it as, oh my god, this is gonna be so exciting because I don't know who they are, don't know what they're like. It's that almost like when you bump into someone in a bar kind of thing. It's that kind of vibe. So I think just go through it with an open mind, make sure that it's a person that you trust. And if it's a bad day, it's a bad day. It's not the end of the world. You'll just

Starting point is 00:27:51 have a story of a bad day at the end of it. And if it turns out amazing, then amazing. And okay, last question. How do you reject a friend of a friend without making it awkward for everyone? Oh, how do you reject a friend of a friend without making it awkward for everyone? I think first of all, it really comes down to the way that you deliver that information. If you, you can let people down gently we did a whole podcast episode on how to break up with someone in the kindest way possible and I know that this isn't um like breakup terms but or like in the kind of breakup zone but this is still applies to rejection in general so you might want to just have a listen to that episode. But I think as long as you're kind, as long as you're honest,

Starting point is 00:28:47 as long as you communicate it in a way that isn't about them. And what I mean by that is when you're giving your feedback, it's not, well, you do things this way. I don't like the way you chew loudly. I don't think I'd get on with your friends. Like you, I don't know, you annoy me kind of thing. Like you don't want to make it about them. What you want to do instead is give the feedback with, I feel like there wasn't a connection. I feel like I'm looking for something different. I feel like this wouldn't work. You can say it in a really kind way and make it about, make it kind of about like, how can I say this? So it's, I feel like this, I feel like that, not attacking, you're this way, you're that way,

Starting point is 00:29:45 because that can be quite abrasive and can be quite hurtful for someone. Just be kind and just let your friend know as well. Like if they're your friend, they're going to understand that you've rejected their friend. Like at the end of the day, your friends should support you no matter what, and your friends should want what's best for you and if you've realized that their mutual like their friend isn't what's best for you they should love and support you enough to accept that that's your decision and it not be an awkward thing so I hope that this was helpful in some way shape or form I loved loved loved answering your questions so please do send more in and then I can maybe do these more regularly you can literally ask me anything as well so you can ask me questions

Starting point is 00:30:31 where you actually need advice or support you can ask me personal things about my own dating life you can ask me whatever you like I just find these episodes really fun to do don't forget you can grab attract on the apps via the show notes and that's really about how to create a dating profile that actually attracts the right people to you um so that you can have better dates and yeah that's what we all want right okay i hope this was helpful i will see you in the next one thanks so much for listening to the date with confidence podcast i hope you've enjoyed this episode subscribe rate and review and share it with your single friends Outro Music

The Date with Confidence Podcast - "Do you swipe right if their mate's more attractive?!" Dating Q&A

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