The Date with Confidence Podcast - How To Be Happy In Your Skin When Divorced In Your 30s

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode has been a long time coming. So a few months ago, I got a message on Instagram, on my at yourconfident30s Instagram, from someone who was going through a divorce and wanted to feel confident in themselves again, dating and not need a girl's attention to feel wanted. So I'm gonna share the message with you and then I'm going to respond with my advice, what I would

Starting point is 00:00:26 suggest and what I would do if I was going through this situation. So let's get into it. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and stories that will either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that will provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside light-hearted catch-ups where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life, you are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet

Starting point is 00:01:05 to come and if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups you are welcome my friend subscribe review and share with your single friends so the message i received was hi i'm 34 i was married with two kids and had been in an unhappy relationship for eight years now single for two years I've been dating but coming to realize that I need to deal with some attachment issues I'm struggling to be happy on my own probably because I feel like a failure as my marriage broke down and I'm living with my parents until we sort out our family home what would you suggest the best thing to do for someone who wants to find happiness in their own skin and not feel they need a girl's attention to feel confident and wanted. I hope this makes sense. I really want a relationship when the time is right.

Starting point is 00:01:50 So first of all, I would say I think it is so good that you're able to acknowledge that there are some attachment issues here that need addressing because the first step to change is always awareness. And when we're not aware of these things we can't actually change them so the fact that you've tried dating you've dipped your toe in and now you've realized actually i've got some work to do that's fantastic like we we're all a work in progress all of the time i don't ever believe that we reach this point in our lives where we are 100 healed and% perfect and we've nailed absolutely everything I think we will always be a work in progress until the day that we die but the fact that you have acknowledged that is really important because so many people

Starting point is 00:02:37 don't acknowledge that they have some things to work on so this is fantastic so I just want to commend you there for actually actually like admitting to yourself that you've got some work to do so first of all amazing go you now when it comes to what you've shared here the first thing that I really wanted to focus on was shifting that belief that getting divorced and moving back in with your parents makes you a failure because it absolutely does not despite what you might see on the media despite other people's opinions despite what society says you are not a failure because your marriage didn't work out you are not a failure for getting divorced you are not a failure for moving back in with your parents and I think

Starting point is 00:03:21 that's the core thing that really needs some work is shifting out of that belief that there's now something wrong with you or that you've messed up or like these things happen I think around 42% of marriages in the UK end in divorce at the moment so you're not the only one experiencing this you're not the only person to have ever got divorced like this is quite a common thing that people go through that doesn't make anyone else a failure at all it's just one of those things and unfortunately it is more common nowadays I mean I say unfortunately I don't even think there's any unfortunate about it I think it's more common nowadays because it's more accessible whereas if you think historically like 50 60 70 80 years ago you would like divorce would have been a

Starting point is 00:04:13 shameful thing and it was something that wasn't readily accessible to a lot of people and because of that think about how many people lived their lives in unhappy scenarios, unhappy relationships, unhappy marriages, because there was no other alternative. And especially for women who were never allowed to be financially stable and financially independent from their husbands, the amount of women trapped in relationships and trapped in marriages because there was no other way out like divorce sucks as a child like as a as a child I'm obviously a woman now but as someone who experienced divorce from the child's perspective divorce does suck but at the same time I do think that we're really lucky to be in a position where it is possible nowadays and where we do have options

Starting point is 00:05:08 like however awful it is to have been in love with someone and then decide that actually that's not how it's going to happen or for the other person to fall out of love with you however awful that is i do think it's it can be seen as a positive thing like I'm a very hot glass half full person like I like to look for the good in everything I think it is a positive thing that it's better to go through the pain of a divorce than go through 30 40 50 years of your life unhappy in something because because there's no other option um so yeah maybe switching the the um like switching what divorce looks like and what divorce actually means that might be helpful as well and in terms of the failure thing as I just mentioned like my parents got divorced when I was a kid I think I was about eight when they split up my dad lived in my bedroom for must have been about

Starting point is 00:06:05 a year because I had one of those bunk beds that had um it was like a bunk bed and then I had a sofa bed underneath and it pulled out into a double sofa bed or probably wasn't a full double it was probably like a small double sofa bed um but he like lived in my room for like a year and then he moved in with my nan and granddad um for I don't even know how long months a year a couple of years I've got no concept of time it probably wasn't as long as I think it was but he moved in with them until he was able to buy a new house and as a child at no point did I see my dad as a failure because he had to move back in with my nan and grandad and I just wanted to say that because you mentioned that you have kids if you're concerned that your children will see you as a failure like know that that's not going to happen um if if that wasn't on your mind anyway then

Starting point is 00:06:55 that's fine but I'm sure someone will feel relieved to hear that like your kids aren't going to think that you're a failure just because you got divorced and also from that perspective just in case this makes you feel any better I hated going through my parents divorce it was obviously horrible and quite traumatic but at the same time them separating was the best thing that could have happened for our family because the arguments the tension the spitefulness the like resentment like I could feel all that as a kid yet when they separated obviously that wasn't well I mean it was there but it wasn't in my environment on a daily basis if you like so even though it might be hard for the kids like kids are resilient they'll be fine in the end which is not we're not going to get into

Starting point is 00:07:45 that um into that now because that's not what you've asked um instead of anchoring into the belief that you're a failure i'd really encourage you to adopt a new more empowering belief and remind yourself that this is only temporary and it's part of a living human experience so we all go through ups and downs none of me which mean we have failed at life. Unfortunately, it's just one of those things. I follow Catherine Zenkina, who's a manifestation babe. And I remember her talking once about the idea that we are all souls that choose to live a human human existence so our souls have come into our bodies

Starting point is 00:08:29 and chosen to live the like to live a human existence because obviously souls are just souls they don't have any physical attributes whereas the soul enters your human body so they can experience what it's like to live a human life and they want to like our paths if you believe in this like i don't know how much i believe in this but i like this concept that our paths are set out for us and we're supposed to experience certain obstacles and experience certain lows and also experience certain highs and that's just part of our soul's way of living that human existence so it was just written into your destiny that this was always meant to happen and if it was part of your destiny then it also means that there's a positive that's going to come out of it that's how i like to view things

Starting point is 00:09:21 because it just makes me feel better than thinking like focusing on all the things that absolutely suck so maybe that's helped as well then on to your question what would you suggest the best thing to do for someone who wants to find happiness in their own skin and not feel they need and not feel they need a girl's attention to feel confident and wanted so we're going to break this down into two parts so part one think about how can you bring more happiness into your life so what can you do for yourself that brings you joy without a partner and think about the things that you can do on a daily basis to feel happy so tiny little things like it doesn't have to be things like jetting away on holiday for

Starting point is 00:10:04 a month or like big grand things like it can just have to be things like jetting away on holiday for a month or like big grand things like it can just be little moments because what we will really want to focus on is creating like smaller pockets of joy throughout the day that then lead to a more joyful experience overall as opposed to trying to create one big happiness event and then spending the rest of the time trapped in the feelings of failure and anxiety and I'm not good enough. So what little things can you do for yourself regularly to bring more happiness into your life? Also so that you get used to feeling happiness again regularly and romanticise the shit out of of your life like i do this all the time the tiniest little things making a coffee i will make it into this like i mean it's not

Starting point is 00:10:53 aesthetically pleasing but it's like this beautiful ritual where i'm like i can like i'm filling up the kettle i'm pouring the coffee into the cup i'm using the like pre-made sachets of cappuccino coffee at the moment because that feels like a luxury as opposed to like an instant coffee. Like I stare out the window, I smell the coffee. Like I take moments to be really present with the simple thing of making a coffee.

Starting point is 00:11:19 And I imagine that it's like this big, like silky montage event, like really glamorizing the most basic shit and it helps me to romanticize my life and in doing that it makes the most mundane moments feel magical and then when I'm operating from that space of I'm so grateful for this delicious coffee and I'm so grounded in the present moment and I'm not thinking about all the things that I'm worried about it just shifts your energy in a way that you'll naturally exist in a more positive happy calm grounded state for the majority of the time now obviously we're all human beings so we're always going to have like the lows, we're always going to have the moments where we shift

Starting point is 00:12:10 away from being grounded, where our thoughts distract us, where we obsess over things that like failure for example, like that's just how we are but the more we can bring ourselves back to ourselves over and over again, it's literally just a practice that we just have to practice coming back to ourselves it's not a case of oh I've come back to myself once and now I'm going to be happy all the time like it is an exercise it's like exercising the happy muscle just like you'd exercise a part of your body so how can you bring more happiness into your life and how can you romanticize the shit out of everything that you're doing on a daily basis to feel happiness more often. And then part two to that, you need to be your own source of validation, which I'm so sure I've talked about on the podcast

Starting point is 00:12:58 before, but I was like searching my notes. And I don't know what episode I've talked about it in. So apologies for that you can go and have a little binge of all the other episodes um but yeah you need to be your own source of validation so ask yourself how can you feel confident in yourself on a daily basis is it about going to the gym to get your endorphins flowing or going for a walk to just shift any stagnant energy is it about wearing an outfit that you know you look good in or telling yourself on a daily basis how good you look so getting up looking at yourself in the mirror and going i look fucking great today and just validating yourself from that perspective in order to make that easier you need

Starting point is 00:13:40 to be doing things for yourself on a on a regular basis from a self-care perspective so whether that's like eating nourishing foods drinking plenty of water getting regular exercise not from a space of like changing how your body looks but from a space of these things naturally make you feel better mentally as well as physically so it's really more about the mental here and then yeah, telling yourself how good you look, rather than waiting for someone else to tell you how good you look, really getting comfortable and confident in who you are right now, rather than relying on somebody else to tell you how good you are. And that, again, is a practice, like telling yourself, I'm so proud of you, celebrating every little thing that you managed to achieve, celebrating the small moments, congratulating yourself when you've done something that was really hard. Constantly being your biggest cheerleader over and over again, rather than focusing on the things where not the what do I want to say here rather than focusing on

Starting point is 00:14:47 the flaws or your perceived flaws the things that you're perhaps not so successful of like don't worry about those we all have um like shortcomings in different areas there's always things we're not very good at but rather than anchoring into not being good at those things anchor into the things that you are really good at like maybe take up a new hobby that you can learn and that you can build your confidence in push yourself out of your comfort zone because confidence very much comes from taking action so the more things you do that feel uncomfortable whether it's taking yourself out on a solo date or joining a football team or like doing some kind of hobby where you have to go and meet new people or anything like that where you have to take action that feels a little bit scary you're going to naturally feel more confident

Starting point is 00:15:36 in yourself then and then it's going to be easier to validate yourself regularly because you'll build up this strong positive self-image that you don't need to rely on anybody else's opinion from so another helpful episode that might be useful when it comes to this is how to be confident in yourself when dating so I will link that in the show notes so that you can go and listen to that obviously if you're taking a break from dating then maybe it's something to listen to when you dip your toe back into dating and then in a few episodes time it's coming up in October I can't remember which date specifically but it's coming up in October so within the next three or four weeks I'm releasing an episode on how to overcome anxious attachment when dating someone new so I think that's going to be really helpful for you to help with the anxiety around dating so I will well just subscribe to the

Starting point is 00:16:33 podcast and it will come up in your feed in the next couple of weeks so I hope that that was really helpful if you're looking to increase your confidence even more, you want to build a really solid level of self-confidence where you can be your own validator, where you feel less anxious when it comes to dating, where you just feel more confident and accepting of yourself in your own skin and where you want to raise your relationship standards, then check out the confidence course in the show notes because that is going to be so super helpful in getting you to this place where you're not ashamed of where you are where you are confident in your own skin and it will help you date more like date more confidently in the future and that well there's a module module six has got four lessons or it's got five lessons because there's a lesson on boundaries but it's got five lessons because there's a lesson on boundaries but it's got four individual lessons around raising your standards and it includes raising your standards for your career or business raising your financial standards raising your

Starting point is 00:17:35 health and wellness standards and raising your relationship standards which is going to be so super helpful for you when it comes to dating so So you can check that out in the show notes. If you would like to contribute your stories to the Date With Confidence podcast, or you would also like to ask me a question, I can do a whole episode around, then you can go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com slash contribute. The link's in the show notes, you can just click through there. You can share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks. You can share dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life. Or as I said, if you've got a question that you need help with, then you can ask me there.

Starting point is 00:18:17 And don't forget to check the show notes for resources and courses to help you date with confidence. The questions I answer are normally answered in the community episode which is the second week of every month that comes out but for questions like this where they are where there's a lot for me to say I've done a whole episode around it because I think this is a really important topic that is going to help so many people whereas the community episodes are tend to be shorter questions or questions where you just want me to where you're just like curious about things um so yeah your question will either be shared in the community episode every second week of the month or if it's a really big question I have a lot to say then I will do a whole episode around it so thank you so much for listening if you haven't left me a review yet please leave me a review on iTunes I will see you in the next one thanks so much for listening to the date with confidence

Starting point is 00:19:13 podcast I hope you've enjoyed this episode subscribe rate and review and share it with your single friends Thank you. you

The Date with Confidence Podcast - How To Be Happy In Your Skin When Divorced In Your 30s

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