The Date with Confidence Podcast - How to Be More Attractive to Men

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

EPISODE 47: How To Be More Attractive To MenWant to become more magnetic to the man of your dreams?In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, we’re talking about how to be more attractive to men including the pep talk every woman needs, actionable steps to feel more attractive in your own skin and common things that can instantly put men off.Episodes Mentioned:This Simple Concept Will Help You Date with ConfidenceHow to Be Confident When DatingHow to Feel Confident Having  Sex with Someone NewThe Nightmare First DateResources Mentioned:Build Body Confidence The Confidence CourseThe Confidence KitEverything PageThe Dating DebriefLevel Up In LoveLoved UpDon’t miss the Secret Announcement….Get Involved!You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Visit The Date with Confidence website here. Subscribe to our YouTube channel.Follow The Date with Confidence Podcast on Instagram + follow your host Rebecca Hawkes here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We've got a lot to talk about in this episode. We're going to talk about how to be more attractive to men. Now you know me, you know that I believe in being attractive for yourself and not changing anything about you to suit a man. So we're going to have a bit of a pep talk first but then because I want you to walk away with like actionable steps or actionable tips to take into your dating life I am also going to share with you some common things that can really put men off and some things that can make you even more magnetic to the man of your dreams so get ready it's gonna be a juicy one. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support and

stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that'll provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host, Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life,

you are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all falls to shit there's a special first season dedicated to breakups you are welcome my friend subscribe review and share with your single friends okay now as i said obviously this is entitled how to be more attractive to men and it's a little i mean it's not clickbait here because we are going to

talk about it but I wanted something to grab your attention so that I could give you this pep talk as your dating best friend you don't need to focus your attention on being attractive to men. The most important thing you can do for yourself is focusing on becoming more attractive to yourself. Because when you find yourself attractive, when you feel attractive, when you feel sexy, when you're confident in yourself, you naturally become more attractive to other people. So it's not about changing your appearance, it's not about changing who you are, it's not about tweaking your personality to suddenly make yourself more attractive to others. It's really about falling in love with who you are, what you look like, knowing that you can

love yourself now and be a work in progress and just finding yourself more attractive. So before I share what men can find attractive and unattractive based on the tiny little bit of research that I've done, no based on my personal experience, based on comments that I've done no based on my personal experience based on comments that I've seen from other men and based on a conversation that I had with a guy that I'm seeing yesterday when I told him that I'd be recording this episode um before I share those things with you I want to share some of my favorite exercises to help me feel attractive in myself and what I mean by that is you know when you walk past a mirror and you catch sight of yourself and you can look at yourself and go oh I look good today like I look hot today or you can see a photo of yourself and think wow

I look really good or you can maybe be getting dressed and you're in your underwear and you're in front of the mirror and you're just feeling yourself a bit and you're like damn like I am actually hot like that's what I mean by feeling attractive to yourself and I do think that this is so important because I've noticed throughout my life the more comfortable I am in my skin the more attractive I feel in myself the more I don't know if this is going to sound a bit weird but the more I turn myself on the more I find myself turned on by myself the more I seem to attract the attention of other men whether that's because I've been out in a bar and I'm feeling myself and they pick up on that energy whether that's the conversations that I go into on dates or not even the conversations but the way that I show up

on dates maybe I'm a bit more flirty maybe I'm a bit more playful because of the fact that I feel attractive likewise in this new dating scenario where I've been dating this guy for a couple of months the hotter I feel the more chemistry there is I mean there's naturally chemistry there anywhere there there anyway like there was like a decade's worth of chemistry waiting to be I don't even know what I don't want to use but there'd been chemistry for over a decade not that we saw each other in that time but the chemistry was remembered from when we first met all those years ago when we were young and in our 20s and yeah I just know that when I'm feeling myself the the connection the flirtiness the playfulness the more chemistry have and the more attracted he is to me I notice when I'm in that energy he becomes more attracted to me and that's why I think it's so important to focus on you

being attracted to yourself and feeling attractive in yourself. So the tips I'm going to share are based on the 90-90 mindset concept, which is the concept I created to help you feel confident in your own skin every single day. I've done a couple of episodes on this concept now, the main one being episode 19, which is titled this simple concept will help you date with confidence so that is probably the episode to go back and listen to where you'll get a full overview of the concept including the three core principles plus there's other episodes that will probably tie in nicely with the theme of this episode things like how to be more confident in yourself when you're dating and how to feel confident having sex with someone new there's a

lot of tips and suggestions in those episodes that will also enhance the information that I'm going to share in this episode so I'll leave those linked in the show notes so you can go and have a listen back to those as well so the tips are based on the 1990 mindset concept and the third core principle of that concept is that there are three layers of confidence that you need to master to become 90% confident 90% of the time and those three layers are think confident act confident and feel confident so we're going to focus on those three layers when it comes to improving how attractive you feel in yourself. So the first layer, the think confident layer, these are things that I would encourage you to do on a daily basis, perhaps not the third exercise, but on a daily

basis, things like telling yourself how hot you are. I cannot tell you the amount of times I will walk past a mirror or I will catch my reflection and I will go, oh my god, you're so hot. Like, look how fit you look today. You're so beautiful. I will say those things to myself and I'm not gonna lie, it is uncomfortable as fuck to do in the beginning. When I first used to look myself in the eye and almost like flirt with myself in the mirror and say you look so hot I would feel so cringy I would be like what the fuck are you doing like this is embarrassing this is cringy what like the shame and the who are you to tell yourself that you look hot like it was just so uncomfortable beyond belief but I can tell you now the way that I feel about myself and about my body especially how my body has changed over the last 10 years from going from my 20s to now my 30s the way that exercise has completely changed my self-perception

it was worth the early days weeks months of discomfort because I have never felt so confident in my body. I have never felt so attractive in my life. And this was before I started seeing this guy. So obviously seeing this guy getting naked in front of someone again, that has massively boosted my confidence for sure. But way before I started seeing him, I was doing this body confidence work and putting in the time and energy into these practices. So before I met him, I was at a space where I've never felt so confident in my body in my life. And I've never felt so attractive, which on paper doesn't really make sense as such based on what society tells us our bodies should look like. My body was like fucking great in my early 20s. I could eat whatever I wanted, never put in any weight. I had curves. I had like, boo, I've got quite a big chest, which

has been a journey for a start because like four years I hated my boobs and like I actually it's so funny before I got into bed last night I was obviously like naked doing my like my moisturizing routine doing my mirror meditation that you can actually download for free in the show notes but I was doing this this body confidence work and I saw my boobs and I was like do you know what for the first time in my life I actually really like them they are bigger than they were when I was younger and hated the size of them they are closer to the ground than they used to be they are obviously not as pert they have got stretch marks on them they are not what society would tell us are the most attractive boobs in the world but for the first time in my life I look in the mirror and I accept them and I genuinely like them and the hours spent

researching surgery visualizing surgery wishing and hoping and planning for surgery to get them reduced and like uplifted and just augmented, I don't spend a lot of time doing that anymore. Whereas thoughts like that consumed my brain for years because I've always had a really uncomfortable relationship with my chest. But now I'm at that point where I find myself really attractive I find my heavier body really attractive yes there are things that I want to work on I want to become stronger and fitter and healthier again I would like my body to be a bit more toned but I also love where my body is right now and that has come from me doing this uncomfortable thing of looking at myself in the mirror and flirting with myself in the mirror and telling myself that I look hot in the mirror and admiring my naked body.

I never thought I'd get to this point but here I am and let me tell you men like it when you are confident in your body as we will discover as we go through this episode that's one of the things that's on the list. That's one of the think exercises they're telling yourself how hot you are things like repeating affirmations I love and accept my body for how I am I am so attractive every day in every way I'm becoming more attractive to myself I find myself so fucking hot and with affirmations if you feel uncomfortable repeating phrases like that because if you are not feeling confident in your body saying I find myself so hot you're not going to feel hot at all it's going to feel uncomfortable and it's going to feel like a massive fucking lie and that's not going to help you change your mind so instead what I always encourage my clients to do is add

that I choose to at the front of the affirmation so in this case it would be I choose to find myself so hot today or I choose to believe that I am getting more attractive every day or I choose to love and appreciate my body as it is. It can just make repeating those uncomfortable affirmations feel a lot more comfortable. It can help you say it more easily. And when you start to repeat it, and it becomes a natural thing that you tell yourself, it starts to become your default thought. And then what you think you believe, what you believe becomes your reality so over time these thoughts that you are telling yourself on repeat will become your natural thoughts will become a belief that is ingrained in your brain and that will then become your reality you won't have to say to yourself every time you walk past a mirror i look hot

today you won't have to think oh i need to tell myself I look hot consciously because you will just do it naturally like I do it in front of the mirror all the time now without thinking to myself oh this is my body confidence mindset work this is what I need to say to myself on a daily basis and then the third think exercise I've put here is think about an empowerment list or write out an empowerment list of 30 things I find attractive about myself. Now if you're feeling really brave and you want to dig even deeper I want to encourage you to write a list of 50 things you love about yourself and let me tell you that's a hard list to write when you are not really feeling yourself but to get you started 30 things I find attractive about myself

write a list get it down on paper this is your empowerment list and what happens here is when you have this list of all the things you find attractive about yourself your brain reads that as a fact and goes oh yes this is true yes this is true yes this is true so you've got proof written down in front of you that you are an attractive person and what you think you believe and what you believe becomes your reality. So over time, you'll naturally start to feel like an attractive person. Now, before we carry on, I do just want to premise this by saying, obviously based on the 90-90 mindset concept, this is not how you're going to feel every single day like yes I find

myself attractive do I find myself attractive every day of the month absolutely fucking not there are definitely times throughout the month where I still feel disgusting and on those days it is really hard for me to say you look really attractive today so sometimes I'll try and g myself up a bit and be like yeah you look attractive yeah you look attractive other days I'll just be like nah today's not the day today I am not going to have an attractive day and I am fine with that and that's okay because 90% confidence 90% of the time is always the goal there is room for humanness there is room for hormones there is room for feeling shit around your period there is just room for feeling, there is room for feeling shit around your period, there is just

room for feeling like crap about yourself. And in those days, you don't need to be attractive, you don't need to feel attractive. Okay, on to the act layer. So these are like the practical actions I will do regularly to ensure that I feel attractive as often as possible because not only this obviously in this context we are talking about being more attractive to yourself and being more attractive to men or during the dating process you want to feel attractive but the more attractive I feel the more I show up on social media as well which for me having a business as a like content creator coach podcast host I need to be on social media all the time I need to be on video a lot to the more attractive I feel the more I can show up and be visible for

my business so it is really important for me to do this work not just so that I can feel good going on dates but also that I can show up in life and that's going to be the same for you whether you are a business owner whether you are employed in role, whether you are a stay-at-home mum, whatever your role in life is, the more attractive you feel and the more confident in your skin you feel, the better you will be able to show up in every area because you will naturally feel good the better you'll be able to show up in relationships in friendships looking after your kids showing up at work giving presentations you'll have that aura of confidence around you which just works wonders in every area of your life sorry i digress i obviously go off on tangents because i get these ideas in my head and this thought

comes in i'm like oh my god i have to say that because that makes so much sense of what we're talking about. Okay, we're coming back to the topic. The act layer. So these are the practical actions, practical things I do. One of the biggest things and the easiest things is to wear underwear that makes me feel sexy. So not even feel sexy, but just underwear that I put on so that when I see myself in the mirror I can go oh you look good now I wear like the same basic underwear every single day like every single day I wear a black thong from H&M that's my like default underwear that's what's comfortable for me it's what I like I think I look hot in it that's my like default go-to and then I'll wear a black bra so I don't wear matching underwear often obviously sometimes if I'm like

dressing up for an event or if I'm going out or if I'm gonna see the guy I'm seeing then I will put a little bit more effort into matching underwear but on a day-to-day basis yes my underwear is basic but it's also underwear that I know I look good in so even though it's not the fanciest it's not the laciest the silkiest the most expensive I know that I look good in it on a day-to-day basis and because of that it makes me feel attractive on a mostly daily basis obviously there's that room for the 10% room for not feeling attractive and I think this has been a big impact because for years my underwear has always been very mismatched like I have some sets of underwear but I didn't always want to wear those sets on a daily basis because let's be honest a lot of fancy underwear is really fucking

uncomfortable it's lacy or it's silky or it's just not the most comfortable in the world. Whereas now I've found something. It's literally like a multi-pack of thongs. And I like it. It makes me feel good and now we're just waffling about my underwear. So the next thing I would say is nourish your body with a good skincare routine this doesn't have to be a really expensive routine however what I have noticed about myself is since I've started investing in good brands of skincare my skin has changed which has naturally made me feel more confident

my commitment to my routine has changed because it feels like a luxurious pamper session every single time I either get my skin prepped in the morning or I take my makeup off in the evening and I feel like by investing in those products I've improved my self-worth because I'm no longer the person that just opts for the cheapest moisturizer the products that I want to offer the lower end things that don't really do a lot for my skin but I'm more conscious of the money that I'm spending whereas now I see my skincare as an investment and I'm still smart about the products that I buy like I like all the products that I buy I are typically on some kind of offer because boots have always got an offer on and I love

boots I collect the points I'm a massive boots fan so a lot of the skincare that I use is high end but I do always try and get it on a deal but I feel like it has changed the game for me in the way that I feel about myself not only that the products themselves feel so luxurious and they last for such a long time as well so it's actually more cost effective than me buying cheap things every month or every couple of months because I don't like what I'm using my go-to skincare brands at the moment are Clinique which I've been using for about 18 months now and Elemis so I started using Elemis skincare from Christmas and that was like a Christmas present as well so skincare was very much like Christmas present from mum because she knows I love this kind of stuff but I really take time to do the serums oh and Clarins as well actually I've got a Clarins

oil that I love but I take time to cleanse to tone to apply the serums to use the I've got reusable eye patches that go on most days to let my eye cream sink in I prioritize this type of routine and I am I say I'm fortunate this is the life that I've created for myself so yes I'm fortunate I'm aware that I have the time to do these things but also these were very um like these were very much decisions that I made because I wanted time so I could do this this is very much the life that I've created for myself but I do know that not everybody has the time to spend ages on their skincare having said that my morning skincare routine is I'm not one of those people that like applies a product and lets it sink in for 20 minutes as you're supposed to do I do very much just slap everything all on top of each other um so it does only take me about 10 minutes but having that morning skincare routine and having that evening skincare routine where I'm taking my makeup off I'm looking in the mirror

I'm telling myself nice things as I am applying my skincare I'm having that moment of pampering that me time so that I can get into bed wake up and already feel like I look good before I do. I mean, obviously not first thing because nobody looks good first thing, but I already feel like I look semi, semi acceptable because of the time and energy and intention I've put into my skincare routine. And that is the same with my body as well I take I spend a lot more time moisturizing my body now than I used to because I feel like that's important especially as we're getting older and again I suppose when I was younger I was like oh I just don't have the time don't have the energy it feels like too much of an effort but that has also come from me finding skincare products that

I really enjoy applying to my body. And I've incorporated it into part of my mindset routine, which again, you can download the Build Body Confidence Meditation that incorporates the guided visualization. It's like a mirror meditation. So you're applying your products as you're listening to the meditation. And that has really transformed the relationship that I have with my body and then lastly for the act thing this is something that I don't think many people would tell you to do but honestly I do this all the fucking time and it is a game changer practice posing in front of the mirror so practice sexy poses either naked or in your underwear or even clothes but just practice the kind of like sexy photos that you see online so there are times I shit you not where I am in front of the mirror and I am pretending that I've got an onlyfans account I'm not gonna lie even though nobody's gonna see that or I will take

photos of myself even though nobody's gonna see it but it makes me feel hot and that is the point it makes me feel attractive when I stand in some of these poses or I take photos of myself and I look back on the photos and I've nailed the pose and my body's looking good and I'm moisturized and I'm in underwear that I like I can look at those photos and really appreciate how good I look and again this has been a fucking practice. I'm not saying to you that I felt comfortable doing this for years, I'm not saying that oh it's easy for me to pose in front of the mirror because I've always fancied myself, I've always loved the way that I looked. This has been a practice, the only reason I can do this now

is because I've been practicing it for fucking years. I've been doing this work for so long, especially since my breakup four years ago, when my body confidence was on the fucking floor. If you can dedicate some time, some energy, and you can push through this discomfort, you can get to this place as well, where you don't care what anybody else thinks you look like because you feel and know you look fucking good and that is the most important thing you have to feel like you look good to yourself it doesn't matter what anybody else on this planet thinks of you your body the way that you look the way that you pose the underwear that you wear the way that you pose, the underwear that you wear, the way that your skin is, none of that matters to any other person in the entire world, just you. So ignore what society tells you you are supposed to look like, ignore what society tells you you are supposed to weigh, ignore what your family think you should be wearing, think you should be, how you should be treating your body, how much you

should weigh on the scales, ignore what your partner thinks you should look like, that is not important, the only person you need to be attractive for when it comes down to it is yourself, okay, pep talk, rant over, I didn't mean to shout but do you know why I think I get so passionate about this is because for so many years I didn't like the way that I looked because of how other people had told me I was supposed to look I didn't like the way that my body was because the boys at school used to take the piss out of me or when I did start getting boobs then I would receive seedy comments from men or strangers in clubs or people that I went to school with so it made me feel like disgusting for years I felt like my body was the wrong shape. I felt like it looked terrible because of all the ring, red rings around cellulite that we used to see in magazines. Like for so long, I did not appreciate

and accept and love my body because of how other people had made me feel. There's still that part of me that's really sad for that person. For my younger self. Who couldn't love herself because of how others treated her. Or looked at her or viewed her. Whether that be strangers or whether that be people that she knew. And I know how that feels. And I don't want you to feel like that I so badly so badly want you to feel like this like I so I can't cry because I've got fake dad on but I feel really emotional like I want you to be in a place where you can walk past a mirror and go damn I look good today

wow don't I look pretty aren't I hot I love how beautiful I am look at how good I look in that dress I so want you to be there and I'm really hoping that you that there's some of the things I'm sharing in this will get you to that point. And if this is resonating with you, or if this is something that you needed to hear, or if you would like me to do more content on this, then do go to datewithconfidencepodcast.com slash contribute and give me some of your feedback in there because I I want to do whatever I can to to help you so yeah okay I'm composing myself I'm not letting the tears come out of my eyes because because then I'm gonna have streaks down my fake tan that I really need to wash off soon okay oh right where were we the feel layer feel This is the, the things that I do to

feel good in my body and to feel more attractive. And this is one is so important. It's so boring, but it's so important. It's fueling your body with things that impact the way your body feels so for example drinking enough water eating fruit and veg not drinking too much alcohol not drinking too much caffeine you know the same shit we're told all the fucking time that does make a really big difference i know that i feel so much better in myself when i'm drinking more water i have more energy my skin is clearer my skin looks more hydrated I naturally feel more attractive when I'm eating and drinking well we can move on from that quickly because I'm sick of seeing people tell me that's what I need to do so I imagine that you feel the

same um moving your body regularly again we get told this all the fucking time um moving your body regularly and it's not about how you look, it is about how you feel because I don't want this to be like, oh you need to hit the gym so that your butt can look like this, so that you can have a flat stomach, no, no, no, no, no, we need to hit the gym because it is good for us mentally, it helps our body feel stronger, it gets those endorphins flowing so that naturally you feel good in yourself it's not about slimming down or making yourself look a certain way however if that is one of your body goals that's also not something to be ashamed of either i'm not

shaming anyone for trying to achieve a certain body shape or a body type or for their body goals that's absolutely fine if you've got no desire to have a flat stomach that's absolutely fine as well we are body positive here so i don't care how you look what is most important is how you feel and then i'd encourage you to use energetic practices like meditation, breath work or yoga because this really helps you to get out of your head and drop into your body. So when you're in your head about the way that you look, it becomes overwhelming and you can become anxious and you could be spiralling with all these I look disgusting thoughts which are not helpful whereas if you do the energetic practices you're not up in your head thinking

about all these things spiraling in all these negative ways you're in your body in a calm peaceful state and when you're feeling like that you're naturally going to feel more attractive because you're going to be in tune and connected with yourself and with your body which is such a beautiful space to be in before I dive into the things that men find attractive and unattractive I do want to say that personality has a big impact on how attractive you are to someone and I think so many people overlook this a lot of the times it is a lot of the times we can base attractiveness on how somebody looks but personality is huge when it comes to how attractive you are and I know this

only because of how I feel and as an example um I'm watching maths again so I'm watching Married at First Sight the Australian version again even though I try not to watch the first couple of episodes because I know once I'm in I'm in so now this has been my commitment for the last three weeks four weeks I'm like back in it obsessed every night so I'm watching Married at First Sight again and every single season there is someone there is there is actually normally multiple people but there'll be someone that starts off at the beginning who you think is quite attractive and you look at them and you're like, oh, he's quite hot. And as the series goes on, he becomes less and less and less attractive. I mean, this isn't just about the guys, like there's

also girls like this as well. But they become less and less and less attractive because you see their personality. And all of a sudden, what you thought was physically attractive is no longer physically attractive and just thinking about this actually so I like with my ex I thought he was like the hottest person on the planet like I I used to think he was so hot couldn't believe he would be with me he was so far out of my league based on his attractiveness I thought he was one of the hottest people I'd ever met in my life. And I was so lucky to be with him. When we split up, and recently actually, in the last couple of years, I think it was a couple of years ago,

for the first time I saw a photo of him and I was like, oh my god, I'm actually not attracted to him. At all. Like, I can appreciate, like like he's obviously not ugly like he's good looking but not not to the extent that I thought all those years ago because of the shit that I've been through with him from the like emotional perspective and because of the healing that I went through afterwards it's like I'd healed so much of the trauma that had happened throughout the relationship that suddenly I realized those rose-tinted glasses had been taken off and I looked at him completely differently and this is the same with maths and likewise there are always people in the series who you can appreciate they're attractive to start with

but as the season goes on they get more and more and more attractive because of who they are because of the person that they are because of the way that they behave because of the way that they treat other people and I think this is something that's really important to remember when you are focusing on how attractive you are it's not just about the way that you look it is the way that you treat other people it is the way that you can hold space for other people it is your kindness it is the way that you can make other people feel if you can make someone else feel good and comfortable in their own skin you are naturally going to be more attractive to them and i'm not just saying like sexual attraction but i mean like attractive in general like magnetic almost so never underestimate the power of personality when it

comes to being attractive okay this is this has turned out to be quite a long episode isn't it I was like oh this will be about half an hour silly me what do I know although maybe maybe we'll do it in 45 minutes when I decided that I wanted to record this podcast obviously the main premise when I first decided on it was I was gonna give like a whole pep talk around you don't need to be more attractive for men you just need to be attractive to yourself but at the same time this is a dating podcast and I know how important it is for you to feel attractive to men during or women during the the dating process so I wanted to get some feedback from the guy that I'm seeing about things that can be off-putting to men and things that can make you more magnetic to men so turn-ons

and turn-offs essentially um that are not necessarily sexual like we're not talking about sex here we're just talking about like what's attract what what other like what men can find attractive um in a woman in general and I also want to say like obviously I've asked him for his opinion but these are pretty universal from conversations that I've had with men over the years so yeah take from this what you will but it was it was interesting to discuss with him so turn offs first and actually I would be in a massive agreement with this one how they treat staff so whether it is restaurants whether it is going to the shop whether it's a cafe whatever it is how someone treats staff can determine how attractive someone is and I completely agree with this there is nothing more

unattractive than when somebody is rude to a staff member or to a person in general so I think this also applies to to people in general if somebody is rude like the date that I went on the um nightmare date I think it's episode 13 the nightmare date that I went on when he was rude he didn't even he wasn't like rude as such but he just didn't really acknowledge the staff and that was a problem for me like I found that really unattractive because I don't know if it's just because I've worked in the service industry didn't really acknowledge the staff and that was a problem for me like I found that really unattractive because I don't know if it's just because I've worked in the service industry or what it is but I just think you need to treat people with kindness and with respect no matter what job they're in um so how people treat um yeah how people treat other people is can be really

off-putting and really unattract make you really unattractive if you have a shit sense of humor I think a sense of humor is a big one and I think obviously the definition of shit sense of humor is going to be different for every person the my sense of humor has changed over the years when I was younger I was definitely much more into like ripping the shit out of each other being sometimes a bit nasty kind of piss taking that kind of banter vibes I'm not really here for that anymore I'm not like that that's not something that I enjoy so much anymore but I can have a laugh I can be playful I can understand like I can I'm here for jokes that's fine I think when you don't have a sense of humor that can be a problem poor communication which I found interesting I I don't know I never thought men that thought this deep I was like our men don't

give a fuck about communication what do you mean all the men that I've ever communicated with have been shocking it is, so they can't care. But poor communication evidently is a turn off to men and not saying what they want or what they mean and just saying it's fine. And I think this falls under the communication category. I have noticed this actually like all the men that I've dated when I've been in a space of confidence self-assuredness when my self-esteem is high and I go on dates or I show up in my relationships from that confident energy and I ask for what I want I say what I mean I'm honest if something's not right when I'm in that energy it is so much more well received than when I shut down than when I have said it's fine when I don't talk about things when I close off or when I don't explain what I mean which I've never really thought about until this, uh, until this conversation, actually. I think having that communication is, is really important. And I actually asked the guy that I'm

seeing to clarify what he meant by shit communication. And he said, not saying things um that you want lack of texting or expecting someone to always text first and being mad if they don't now this is a sore spot I'm sure for so many people because I know so many women and I've been part of the Facebook groups where these women are talking who expect the man to text first who if they don't receive a text they get angry about it I have never really been like that yes of course I love to be the one that wakes up to the morning text of course I love it when he of course I love it when he texts first of course I love it when he double texts if I haven't replied for a while but if I wake up and there's not a text message there I don't sit there and think oh well I'm not going to text him this morning because he hasn't texted me I never do that if I'm thinking of him I will message him first and just say good morning and I don't see that there's

anything wrong with that and in actual fact like obviously the conversation I've had with the guy that I'm seeing like it's proof that it's appreciated and it is something that men can find more attractive um understanding that sometimes work gets in the way this is still on the like this is kind of going into what good communication is is like understanding that work can get in the way and there was an experience that this guy had we were talking about this recently because I was like oh have you ever had any like shit dating experiences we've talked about loads of like dating experiences even on our first date this is the kind of stuff that we talked about and he said he met this girl on a dating app and they were chatting back and forth hadn't been on a date like that I think

they'd got a date planned but they hadn't been on the date yet they'd been chatting for a couple of weeks and he was at work now he works on building sites so obviously his job is quite physical there's a lot to do it's not like he's sat at a desk just with his phone there all the time so there will be days where like we haven't spoken for hours I don't message him and go why haven't you messaged me I'm like oh he's at work likewise I'm at work doing shit as well like I'll have days where it's a client day and I won't speak to him for the whole day because my focus is on my clients anyway so he had this he'd met this person on um a dating app they'd arranged a date they were chatting back and forth for I'm sure it was a couple of weeks and there was this one day where

he was working so he didn't respond to her and she texted I mean he said 73 times I don't know if that's just a massive exaggeration but every time he's told me this story it's been 73 so I think it maybe is 73 but she just bombarded him with all these messages around why haven't you messaged me and he was like it was so off-putting and this was like three or four days before they'd even been on the day and he just had this bombardment of messages and he was just like it was so unattractive he was like I'm not even dating you yet yet you're blowing up my phone because I haven't replied because I'm at work in my day job and he said that's just one of the most unattractive things so and to be honest I would agree like if a man did that to me I'd be

like what are you doing like why are you messaging me so much go the fuck away this is this is not good at all so I think that's something that could perhaps be considered and the thing is I know when people message like that it it's because of their anxious attachment. I know it's because you are feeling insecure, you are scared of being ghosted, you have maybe had bad experiences with men in the past who have just disappeared a couple of days before the day. I understand that that behaviour comes from an insecurity within you but here's the thing that's your responsibility to work on it's not fair to take your anxious insecure behavior out on the person you're dating and this is a hill that I will die on I am anxious as well I have a slightly more anxious attachment than secure

I'm working towards secure and actually the last couple of months has been a massive fucking learning curve for me but I am definitely more anxious and have in the past been more anxious and I have probably been the person that has messaged multiple times I think sometimes like for example when my ex was out till 7am and I didn't know where he was I think repeatedly messaging and trying to call I think in that that scenario that was perhaps justified especially when he said he was going to be home at 11 but in these scenarios where you're just expecting them to reply immediately being bad being mad if they don't reply triple

texting quadruple text it like just texting non-stop because they haven't replied to you and then getting angry about it that's something that you need to work on that's something that you need to work through and you need to in those moments reassure yourself validate yourself go chat to your besties in your group chat and explain what's going on and get your anxiety out in that chat you don't need to be getting it out to the person that you've just started dating this is one of the biggest reasons i launched level up in love and the subsequent reasons that loved up has become a thing now because i want you to have a healthy relationship i want you to enjoy your dating experience i want you to have a healthy relationship. I want you to enjoy your dating experience.

I want you to feel more securely attached and to get yourself away from this anxious attachment because it's so, it can, it impacts your dating life so much as somebody who was codependent and anxious in every relationship she's been in up until this point. I really want to help you out with that. So if you are somebody that recognises these are things that you do, do check out Level Up In Love and Loved Up, particularly Level Up In Love for this one, because the group is, it's like a group chat with your besties. So it's very much, that's the space you come to when you're feeling anxious when you're feeling overwhelmed when you're doubting yourself when your insecurity is trying to destroy this new connection that you've got with someone the level up in love group chat is where you go

so do check those out to really transform your your dating experience um and then moving on let's let's get onto the things that men do find attractive um which is I mean obviously this is just the guy that I'm dating that has given me these so humor communication sexual confidence so being confident sexually and this very much filters into the conversations that I've had with my guy friends in the past has been when a woman is not confident sexually and it's not so much being confident sexually but it's when a woman is putting herself down when she is calling herself fat when she tells herself she looks ugly when she's pinpointing all her flaws when a woman is criticizing her body in front of you for and sometimes people do that just to get

the compliments but a lot of people find that really unattractive and I as a woman find it really unattractive when men do it if a man starts putting down parts of his body or starts putting himself down i don't like it self self-deprecating is that the word self-deprecating humor is not for me i find it really unattractive i want a man who is strong and confident and self-assured and accepting of who he is and feels good with exactly how how he is for the most part obviously like just like us like they get their they get their 10 of not feeling great um so yeah and then being able this one made me laugh because he is a he is a big kid but also he's very much a man being able to understand that men are just big kids and look past it so i think like accepting that essentially I've interpreted that to mean like

accepting a man for who they are and not trying to change them I think that's a really big one um and then he also said if they put in effort with his dog because the dog was there first and the dog is his baby which I'm very understanding and accepting of because I'm also a dog lover as well he is wild he he told me once that like his exes have never like put in effort with the dog his ex used to just go and like sit upstairs when she came around whilst the dog was out because the like the dog has his set routine he goes down for naps like he's like he is essentially a baby he's adorable like I don't like I it's really hard I don't want to build too much of a relationship with the dog because

I don't want to lose the dog which I've also had a conversation with um the guy I'm seeing about because I'm just like I don't want to get too attached to him just in case this doesn't work out because that would be really really hard when me and my ex split I obviously haven't seen his dog again and I really loved her and that has been hard to lose as well um anyways so yeah putting in like effort with him like I'm always asking how he is even before we like fully started dating he was like I remember him messaging me and just being like I really love how much you like how invested you are in the dog it actually means a lot to me that you're always asking how he is and checking in on him and that you want to know about him he was like

I've never had a girl do that before like I've never had a girl care about him at all even my ex and it just really means a lot and I was like oh that's so sweet um anyways I'm waffling again going back to communication one thing that I did ask him to clarify was um one of the things that he said was um telling me when things are inappropriate and i was like what do you mean by telling you when things are inappropriate and he was like um setting boundaries which oh my fucking god who knew that men would find you having boundaries attractive this has got to be the most mind-blowing discovery that I was not expecting to hear at all. I am like shocked about this and it's only really as I'm reprocessing this now as I'm reading it out to you that I've realised

what that actually is. So he said like setting boundaries. So the other week we were having a conversation, a pretty flirty conversation. And he brought up something that he has brought up a couple of times now. And it struck a nerve with me. I was not in the mood for it. He said something that I'd previously said no to during different discussions before I don't want to go into like the topic of it because it's personal between me and him but he'd said something and I turned around despite the fact that we were having this lovely conversation and essentially just laid it all out I was like this is the reason why I'm saying this this is why it's pissing me

off, this is why it's not okay, I'm sick of you saying this to me, essentially, in a more structured, healthier way, but I was very solid in saying, these are what my boundaries are, I don't appreciate you overstepping them, and he came back, and was like, oh, I I was only joking and I was like yeah you were only joking and I was like I know your intention was joking but that's the second time you've joked about that exact same thing during this conversation and you've joked about it before and I'm not okay with it and then straight away he came back and apologised. And I was just like, thank you for hearing me. So we had this conversation that was uncomfortable. Like I'm still getting used to implementing these boundaries. I've done a lot of work on myself to set these boundaries,

to decide on what my boundaries are. And I did all this based on the lesson in the confidence call so module six there is a lesson on setting boundaries the different types of boundaries to have and then there's a lesson on raising your relationship standards I've done all that work on myself to get me to this point but it's only been now that I'm actually getting the chance to implement the work that I've been doing on myself and to like test out setting these boundaries etc so it's still a little bit uncomfortable standing up for myself in that respect and speaking and using my voice if you listened to the dating debrief the free masterclass that I did a couple of weeks ago, you will know that I was always unable to speak up in relationships. Yet now I am confidently

setting these boundaries. So we had this conversation. And then when I asked him yesterday, things that you find attractive and things that you find unattractive, one of the attractive things was the good communication, and then setting the boundaries and his response was um like he found it attractive that I set the boundaries but also he said what was it he said you set me straight he said I appreciated the honesty and you also listened to me saying that I'm joking and that's very much what we did we had a really constructive conversation that did, it was difficult because obviously we're not together at the moment. We haven't seen each other for a month. So all the conversations we've been having have mostly been over message, but we were able to have this constructive conversation because I said my piece,

he came back to straight away, apologize and to affirm what his intentions actually were I countered that with I appreciate that these were your intentions but actually this is how it was received based on what had happened and thank you for listening to me and hearing me and that was the conversation so nobody wants to be in those situations where you have to have an uncomfortable conversation I don't like confrontation I've never been able to stand up for myself because whenever I do in any relationship I've ever had whether that has been with a partner whether it's been with a friend whether it's been with my parents any time I have said that something makes me uncomfortable or something has upset me or I'm not happy with something, the other person always gets either

A, defensive or B, tells me that I'm wrong or C, tells me that I'm making things up nobody ever just hears me apart from this guy he heard me he listened he apologized he didn't jump down and be like well this is why i said this and blah he wasn't rude to me he didn't ignore me we ended the conversation in a kind way and then carried on the next day with things fully being resolved and i think that is really attractive from both parts I feel like we've gone off on a massive fucking tangent now haven't we but good communication is really attractive you can communicate your needs you can set your boundaries you can say you can tell people when they've done something to upset you in a healthy constructive way that brings you closer together and doesn't leave you further apart or in that negative energy

or with him feeling like you're just nagging and you feeling like your needs haven't been heard or you're not important so i think that is also such an attractive thing. And then we kind of like spoke a little bit more about that conversation that we'd had. And then the last thing that he said was really attractive was the ability to do nothing, to just be around one another, to not have to talk or do anything or go anywhere,

but just to be able to sit in peace in each other's company he said that was a really attractive thing and I'm in agreement because obviously if you're with someone for a long time there's going to be days where you don't actually want to have a conversation with someone but you do just want to sit there in their presence and I really like that and the last and final thing that will make you attractive and that will make you more magnetic is confidence. Confidence is the most important thing. Confidence is the thing you need in any and every area of your life. If you do anything for yourself, please work at creating more self-confidence on a daily basis. And if you need help with that, you know where I am. I've got the confidence course, which you can get for

free when you sign up for Level Up In Love. The confidence kit is in the show notes as well, so that you can download that free resource. And I've now got an everything page, which you can just go to, that's got all my resources whether it's dating resources general confidence resources business resources there are a couple of those as well I will also leave that in the show notes so you can go check that out so this has been a fucking epic episode it has been so much longer than I anticipated part of me thinking should we break it up into two episodes I am not sure but. But do you know what? You can listen, you can pause it, you can come back, you can dip in, dip out, save it. You're contribute, to share with me your dating stories, to ask me for advice,

to share your ics, to give me feedback on this podcast. And please, if you've got a second, I would really, really appreciate it if you could rate and review the podcast wherever you listen to it. So whether it's Spotify, iTunes, whatever player you listen on and don't

forget to share this episode with anyone that you think could benefit from it whether it's a friend a family member with your social media network i would very much appreciate it you can tag at rebecca lucy h or you can tag at date with confidence podcast come follow us over on instagram and i will see you in the next one thanks so much for can tag at date with confidence podcast come follow us over on instagram and i will see you in the next one thanks so much for listening to the date with confidence podcast i hope you've enjoyed this episode subscribe rate and review and share it with your single friends Thank you. you