The Date with Confidence Podcast - How to Break Up with Someone in the Kindest Way

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

EPISODE 02: How to Break Up with Someone in the Kindest WayEnding a relationship is never easy. When you come to the realisation that your relationship just isn’t working for you anymore, it can be hard to know how to approach it with your partner.Whether you’ve been together for a few months, a few years or a few decades, the last thing you want to do is hurt them. But how do you break up with someone in a kind way?In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast I’ll be sharing how to break up with someone in the kindest way so you can keep any hurt or upset to a minimum. At the end of the day, if something no longer feels right, you need to walk away. Living a miserable life for fear of hurting their feelings is not the way to go.Get Involved!You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.  ResourcesThe Breakup Bounce BackAttract on the AppsThe Confidence KitThe Confidence CourseGet weekly-ish updates, exclusive offers and access behind the scenes gossip when you become a podcast insider.Visit The Date with Confidence website here.Follow The Date with Confidence Podcast on Instagram + follow your host Rebecca Hawkes here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I've had some crap breakups. I really have. Welcome to the Date With Confidence podcast, a place to come for dating advice, support, and stories that'll either fill you with hope or relief that your dating experience wasn't as bad as it could have been. With practical episodes that'll provide you with easy to implement tips to help you feel confident AF on your next date, alongside lighthearted catch-ups where your host Rebecca, that's me by the way, shares her own experience dating after four years of the single life. You are guaranteed to end each episode feeling less alone in your dating struggles, empowered to never settle again and confident that the best is yet to come. And if it all

falls to shit, there's a special first season dedicated to breakups. You are welcome my friend. Subscribe, review and share with your single friends. Ending a relationship is never easy. When you come to the realisation that your relationship just isn't working anymore, it can be really hard to know how to approach it with your partner. Whether you've been together for a few months, a few years or a few decades, the last thing you want to do, I imagine, is hurt them. But how do you break up with someone in a kind way? In this episode of the Date With Confidence podcast, I'm going to be sharing how to break up with someone in the kindest way so that you can keep hurt and upset to a minimum. At the end

of the day, if something no longer feels right you need to honour your own needs and walk away. Living a miserable life for fear of hurting their feelings is not the way to go but there's also ways that you can let go of your relationship without actually really damaging them. Regardless of why you want to end your relationship there's a good way to do it and a bad way. Having been on the end of some shitty breakups I can tell you that the kindest way is to be honest, respectful and explain things without leaping into blaming or shaming your partner. There are also other things to consider that can help ease the pressure or discomfort of what will likely be an uncomfortable situation for the both

of you. So I've had some crap breakups, I really have. Some have been okay, like there's been I suppose kind of my first breakup we were together for two years but I think the relationship was really kind of finished around the 10 month mark and I think we didn't want to admit it we dragged it on for another year and a bit um because neither of us were really ready to let the relationship go it was my first proper relationship um I didn't although I knew that it was over we both knew it was over and I knew that this wasn't going to be the guy that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life I still didn't want to end it I didn't want to let it go and also I really struggle letting go of things I struggle throwing things out

I struggle letting go of past memories and deleting things and getting rid of like clearing out my wardrobe they're things I struggle with so it was really hard to let go of this relationship but I think we kind of came to a mutual understanding I mean it was a very long time ago now but I think we kind of came to a mutual agreement that it was over and I think we kind of came to a mutual understanding. I mean, it was a very long time ago now, but I think we kind of came to a mutual agreement that it was over. And I think we kind of dated a little bit after the breakup. I think we went on a couple of dates afterwards, maybe hooked up a couple more times,

but we were definitely like, no, this is done. And then my second and fifth breakups were absolutely horrendous and they were the second one was a massive shock so that was shit but I suppose it was done in face he was honest it happened my second breakup I don't even know if you can really call it a breakup because we were together for a few weeks ish but it was quite intense we were traveling we'd met abroad we were traveling um he'd flowed across from another country to come and be with me it was a very intense relationship we'd like moved into a private dorm like properly spent every day together he told me he was falling in love with me and then we went on a night out and he got really aggressive and just was not for me he tried to tell me what to do I didn't like it we argued he got aggressive I refused to go home with him and that was the last

I saw of him really although I think we met up a few weeks later when he came to the island I'd moved to but that was that and then the other breakup was I'd kind of tried breaking it up off a few times I think we'd we'd both tried to break it off a few times but it always happened when we were drunk so we kind of broke up when we were drunk and woke up the next day and acted as if it hadn't happened and this went on for a while but that wasn't too bad and then the last breakup was shitty in terms of the circumstances like over a Facebook call after five years together like that's shit right and if it hadn't been over a Facebook call it was going to be a coach station in London where I'd have had to travel an hour to and from and the from would obviously have been horrendously traumatic

so that was a shitty breakup so having been on the end of shit breakups I know that there are much kinder ways to break up with someone and I know that often when is this me making excuses I know often this is my problem I'm such a compassionate person and I always see both sides of the story that when someone treats me badly I'm like oh but maybe it was because they felt this way. Or maybe it's because they were treated like this when they were a child. Or maybe it's because they were scared. And I kind of, I'm compassionate, but sometimes it leads into making excuses for people, which is, I don't know whether it's a good trait or not. Sometimes I think it's a good trait. Sometimes I think it's just like messing myself up. I'm like, I don't know. So when people break up with you in a negative way, if someone just ghosts you, or if they end it via text,

it's typically because they are scared. Because it is easier for them to write out a text message or stop talking to you than it is to have to come face to face with you and say to you, I don't want to be with you anymore. Because not only do they have to find the balls to say that, they also then have to deal with your reaction in person. And nobody wants to deal with someone who might be angry or might be upset or might be in floods of tears. Nobody wants to have to deal with that. So I understand why people break up with people in shitty ways, but you're here because you're not going to break up with someone in a shitty way. You're here because you want to break up with someone in the kindest way. And this is not the easiest way. This is the kindest way, which is really important. So choose the right time and place. Now there's never really a right time to announce that you want to break up with your partner, but there are times where your partner will be able to absorb the information more easily. Instead of sending a text message,

giving them a call or telling them over FaceTime, arrange to meet them face to face in a comfortable place. Doing it in a packed restaurant or a place where there's lots of people, i.e. a coach station, could cause them to feel embarrassed or hurt or ashamed that they're in that situation. If you don't want to do it at home because maybe that's not going to be a healthy environment, you can maybe think about going for a walk in the park so that you can walk and talk, it's a bit more of an open space, it can feel a bit nicer with the fresh air, you've kind of got that safe space but you're not in the presence of people in a close proximity so if your partner who you're breaking up with does get really upset or does get angry you've still got a certain amount

of privacy and you can comfort them better than being in a really busy place. You also need to be mindful of the fact that they're going to need time to process things. So telling them whilst they're at work, hello that's happened to me, the day before a huge presentation or as they're about to attend a family event doesn't give them time to allow your news to sink in. So be mindful of yes you want to end it, you don't want to drag it out any longer than necessary. But if they've got something really important that's coming up, and you know that it's going to have a massively negative impact on them, try and be mindful, if you can not to do it right before that happens, because you've been with this person you obviously have cared for

them at some stage you might have even loved them for a period of time you don't want to hurt them and if the shoe was on the other foot when when and where would you feel most comfortable receiving this news so kind of put yourself in their position and just think would I be happy to receive a text message to say our relationship's over? Probably not. You can reflect on the good and explain honestly but briefly. If you've been in a relationship with this person as I said you've cared for them, you might have even loved them for a while, you've experienced positive moments together and have happy memories which is okay if you want to bring those up, don't feel like you have to, but if you want to reflect on those as like a kind of we've had a great time together but this is where it ends, like that's okay. When you no longer, when you explain that you no longer

want to be in the relationship, try to explain honestly so that your partner isn't left wondering why. When my ex broke up with me after five years, he didn't give me a reason. He also said like, I don't know why. I don't know why this is happening because I still love you but I think in the end it said something about can't maintain a career in a relationship or some bollocks like that but I didn't get a reason I didn't understand it came completely overnight and I didn't understand and because I didn't get an explanation I was left creating my own reasons for why he called it off, which all ended in the same place, which was I wasn't good enough. I made everything about me. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't fun enough. I wasn't skinny enough.

I wasn't, I don't know, good enough in general. I was the problem. I wasn't enough. And that's why he left me when that is not the case at all I'm brilliant but you don't want to you don't need to go into all the ins and outs of you don't pick your socks up off the floor or I'm no longer attracted to you or it annoys me when you chew really loudly you don't need to go into all the ins and outs but you can just explain to them like this is why I am moving through my life at this pace and this is where I want to go I don't feel connected with you in the same way that I used to and I don't think that's going to change don't make it about you you, you, you, you're in the wrong, you're this, you're that, you do this because that's kind of, I mean they're going to be upset

as it is, that's kind of damaging their self-esteem when it's not really necessary. If you're breaking up with them just, just end it and just say this is, this is why I feel like this is the right decision for me. It's going to help your partner move on and it will prevent them from spiralling into a state of self-blame. And hey, maybe it is their fault. Maybe they are just a dick. Maybe it's their fault. Maybe you don't want to be with them. Maybe the chewing is really annoying. Maybe you've had enough of their snoring. Maybe they just don't listen to you. them maybe the chewing is really annoying maybe you've had enough of their snoring maybe they just don't listen to you maybe they're just an arsehole and you don't want to be with them anymore but you don't need to put all of that onto them it's not necessary you could say something like I no longer feel a connection with you and I feel it's time for us to end this relationship whilst we're still in a good place.

Take that, use it. You also want to understand that it may be hard for them to hear and respect their reaction. So we can't control how other people will react to what we share with them but we can control our reaction to their reactions. Some people may respond to the news with immediate acceptance and understanding, unlikely but possible. Others, especially if it's seemingly come out of the blue, may react emotionally, angrily or in disbelief. I have not always reacted well to a breakup. My second breakup, the first traumatic one, I did not react well in the my mind I went home and just drank a lot of alcohol on an empty stomach I think I messaged him constantly maybe not constantly maybe just when I was drunk which was fairly regularly but I just I lost my mind and there was one night where I went

out and my friends took my phone and deleted all of our conversations and I wasn't ready to hit that stage of healing and I lost it and I walked from town to his front door and as I was about to knock on his front door I realised that I'd lost my mind and was like what on earth are you doing and then I ran down the road and called my dad and like was in floods of tears and he came and picked me up so sometimes people's reactions aren't going to be very good they're not going to be very healthy I mean hopefully if you're getting older like now in my 30s I can't imagine that I would react like that I didn't react like that after my last traumatic breakup because I had hit a point of growth of like personal growth and of maturity where I knew that alcohol was not the answer and I was able to work on myself rather than try and run away and live in denial about

what happened but you can't control people's reactions but you can control how you handle the reactions and you have to expect that some people are could react really negatively and that sucks but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be making that decision instead of jumping on the defensive arguing with them or immediately reeling off all the things they've done wrong take a deep breath and allow them to react in that moment now it goes without saying but i'm gonna say anyway if they react in a violent and aggressive or an emotionally manipulative way leave the situation call for help get support go you don't need to take that in any way shape or form and I think that's what I want to

say like it's okay like respect their reaction respect the fact that they are having a negative reaction but that doesn't mean that you need to take any physical emotional mental manipulative abuse you don't need to take any abuse from them in terms of their reaction just respect okay respect and understand this is the reaction they're having but if they try and be aggressive towards you then you have every right to absolutely get out of the situation and say do you know what i'm gonna leave you to process in your own time. Remember, as I said before, this is a person that you have cared for, so you'll likely still want to hold some space for them. You might even have some empathy for what they're going through.

Put yourself in their position and think about how you would like them to react if you had a very human, reactive response. And also, in saying that that their response shouldn't make you change your mind so if you've made the decision to end the relationship you made it for a reason know that however hard it may seem to know that however hard it may be to see them coming to terms with the breakup or struggling to come to terms with the breakup you still deserve to honor your decision so don't feel bullied or pressured into taking back the fact that you've broken up with them just because they've guilt tripped you into it you

deserve to honor your needs if it's not working, it's not going to work six months down the line because they've manipulated you to stay with them. And you want to make sure you both get the closure that you need. The hardest breakups to get over are the ones where you didn't get the closure you needed. I'm speaking from experience here. I've got a lot of experience in this area and yeah when I have been in the relationships where the closure didn't happen I didn't have time to process it it came out of the blue and literally side swiped me I it took me a lot lot longer to heal from it to process it to come to terms with it and to kind of get things back on track closure may look different from couple to couple but you may want to spend a little bit of time together to talk think talk through your relationship to hand back the things

they left at your place to wish them luck in their life like you don't have to end a relationship in a negative way it can be amicable it can be friendly it can be kind if you're comfortable enough discuss what closure looks like for the both of you and you can work towards that together respect the fact that your partner may need contact with you after relationships so they can process their feelings but also don't be afraid to put a limit on this I think the worst thing and I experienced this with my second breakup was he like cut all contact and we had messaged all day every day for the entirety of our relationship we'd seen each other most days and literally overnight it went from having that communication to nothing at all and I really struggled with that that was awful but then at the same time my last breakup we

continued to communicate but he kind of continued to communicate with me as if nothing had really happened and I found that really hard because then I reached a point of like you're still messaging me all the time you're still ringing me every time you ring me I'm waiting for you to say I've been such an idiot I still want to be with you and you're not saying that and it's making it harder for me to move on so I think it was after a couple of months I said to him I need a break from contact for a while we did say that we were going to still be friends but that hasn't happened and I just needed to to cut contact for a little while because it was really stopping me however much I wanted to kind of cling on to the relationship and the friendship I thought we were going to have I couldn't move past I couldn't move on with my life whilst we were still communicating so don't

be afraid to kind of put a time limit on that and to have a little bit of communication but then hit a point where you either decide that you are going to be friends and you're going to carry on talking or you go do you know what I can't I can't continue to communicate with you anymore because it's damaging for me and then you want to put boundaries in place to protect yourself so once you've had the closure you both need make sure you put boundaries in place to avoid dragging the breakup out or prevent you both from processing, healing and moving on from the relationship. So this may be things like cutting contact from them either forever or temporarily, removing yourself from their Netflix account or agreeing not to date people they know. I stayed logged into my ex's Netflix

account for a while after the breakup but this sent me a little bit crazy because I'd obviously see what he was watching and then I'd be like well is he watching that with someone else and it got to the point where I was just driving myself insane and I was like you don't need this anymore like this is a way that you're staying connected to someone that you're not with anymore and you need to end that so I I want to say I got my own Netflix account I didn't I started using my sister-in-law's instead. Be mindful that once you've put the boundary in place they don't overstep it. If the other party is struggling to come to terms with the breakup they may overstep your boundaries in an attempt to rekindle the relationship.

When someone doesn't respect your boundaries they're not your person and be mindful that you don't overstep your own boundaries as well because this is very common for most of us in any area of our life we often forget the boundaries that we've put in place and that's absolutely okay but just try and be mindful that if you've put these boundaries in place know that you've put those boundaries in place for a reason and don't overstep them yourself and lastly don't beat yourself up. You're not a bad person for breaking up with someone. When you've ended the relationship remind yourself that you're not a bad person. Seeing someone you loved or cared for upset can be really upsetting to you but that

doesn't mean that you should feel guilty. If you no longer wanted to be with them it's kinder to let them go so they can find someone who loves them in the way that they deserve to be loved. Just the same as you deserve to be loved by someone who loves you in the way that you deserve. They deserve the exact same. Holding on to them was never going to be good for either of you. So don't beat yourself up. The temporary pain of the breakup is better for all involved in the long run and this is coming from someone who's been on the end of the really shitty breakup so

I've been in the position where I've been absolutely devastated by a breakup I am fine now it took me a while it took me a couple of years to fully process it and move on from it but I am also fine and I know that that breakup was the best for both of us and I also know that no matter how I was treated I would never have ended the relationship I mean I like to think that at some point I would have done but I hadn't done after five years so I probably would never have done so in the long run whilst it felt like the worst decision from their part it was actually the best decision for me so that's from the receiving end of somebody that's been broken up with so take that if you're going to break up with someone and know

that that person is going to be fine without you and they will look back just like everything happens for a reason for you everything happens for a reason for you everything happens for a reason for them as well if you took the time to break up with them in the kindest way possible you have nothing to feel guilty about and if you made mistakes in the past don't stress yourself out about it because we are all human it's okay to make mistakes whether you're on the receiving end of being dumped or you've just ended a relationship, one thing's for sure, self-care is essential. Listen to the next episode of the Date With Confidence podcast to discover exactly how to self-care when you're going through a breakup. And make sure you check out the show notes for helpful resources on bouncing back from

breakups, healing from heartbreak and rebuilding your self-confidence and you'll also find links to the other episodes in this season so if you need help overcoming a breakup, getting over the guilt of ending a relationship or you want to feel confident after a breakup you can go and listen to the episode of your choice right now and I'll see you in the next one. Thanks so much for listening to the Date With Confidence podcast. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Subscribe, rate and review and share it with your single friends you